“All hurt is founded on attachment to anything regardless of its nature. When we detach we vibrationally send ourselves back into the flow of life.”
― Dr. Jacinta Mpalyenkana, Ph.D, MBA
Everyone is worth to experience the real love as long as we begin to internalize a new image of ourselves and break up with old patterns.
The more we stop to look at the way we deal with relationships and how some situations trigger emotional turmoil or deactivating strategies, the more we can start to forge a path toward security and create healthy long-term intimate connections.
The following image represents the four attachment styles:
Studies have shown secure attachment style represents 50% of the worldwide population, and the rest 50% is divided by 25% for avoidant style and 20% for Anxious.
I will write about each one in separate articles because it’s easier to understand.
Attachment style theory emerged with John Bowlby in the 60’s. In his experiment Bowlby wanted to understood how our brain are programmed to help us to survive and thrive in the environment we are born into. Our self-esteem, ability to control emotions and quality of our relationships are affected by our attachment style.
I must let it clear that even if you have a secure attachment style, you may have some portion of anxious or avoidant depending on the situation.
Don’t use attachment style as a table to categorize your partner, but as a powerful tool to enhance yourself, your partner, and your relationship. To find the root of misunderstandings and argues.
You can understand why and how you withdraw, why and how you get anxious in some situations. How to recognize and fix it and to have more successful lasting relationships.
Relationships should be the stage of self-development and emotional growth, not as a battle camp where someone thinks has the right to diminish his/her partner.
Your partner might have avoidant attachment style, if:
- Loves you but is always waiting for you to do something wrong?
- Use deactivating strategies to push you away?
- Withdraw when faced with issues?
- Shut down emotionally?
- Need to have some alone time and sometimes deny your advances for intimacy and have sex?
Your partner might have anxious or avoidant – fearful attachment style, if:
- You need to go somewhere and stay one day or two away, and he/she thinks you are going to leave him/her?
- When you are busy doing something, and you can’t reply to messages or phone calls from your partner, does he/she shut down emotionally and start playing games?
- Do they give you the silent treatment?
- Is he/she always thinking about where the relationship is going?
Your partner might have a secure attachment style, if:
- Can you rely on your partner?
- Are they direct with their needs?
- They don’t have afraid to face tough situations in life and always stand up for their core values?
- Are they consistent in their actions and not reluctant to express feelings for you?
- Are they available when you need them?
- Do they have the interest and ask you deep tough questions to fully understand you?
Intimacy and closeness can be scary but don’t have to be painful.
Relationships are the most rewarding and challenging aspect of life.
With the right work, and with the understanding that we all have flaws, we can connect and create beautiful bonds.