The Adult Children of Divorce: The Love and Life Acknowledgment After Pain

“O amor é evidentemente mais grato quando não é perturbado pela aridez da necessidade, mas deriva da bondade fecunda.”

For many of us, the word Divorce cause chills representing the end of a life’s project.

With a divorce, with the separation, the heavy losses for children no matter how age they have, will impact the way they see life and future relationships as adults.

Does anyone talk about the Adult children of divorce?

Witness the dismemberment of the nuclear family is one of the greatest pains we can experience as human beings. There is a part of us that dies, and we will never be able to rescue it.

As you enter into and deepen any healthy, intimate relationship, you need to know yourself. What identify you is your personality, which develops unconsciously and can be shaped by your upbringing and environment.

So, the question is: How personality of Adult children develops into this emotional turmoil, which is divorce?

How do they look at life and their future relationships?

It has been emphasizing that children of divorced couples would have a greater tendency to embark on destructive paths and have an unconfigured personality. It’s important to clarify that although the pain and loss associated with divorce, adopting destructive behaviors will depend on the support network that children and adolescents have around them.

But yes, we shouldn’t and can’t devalue the impact that divorce has on our lives. With a divorce, there is the need to mourn a family structure that disappears. And no, there are no easy divorces.

I want to clarify that we divorce every day from love in slow motion when we don’t verbalize, and we don’t discuss what we feel.

As much scoundrel as it may seem, the truth is when one couple has one argument means they still have feelings towards each other. What kills relationships aren’t arguments but instead the way we argue.

The art of love has been enhancing by the art of failure and the art of self-help, which is the same as nothing.

As a 34-year-old woman and daughter of divorced parents, I can say I lived several days and years that weren’t easy. I lost my family, I lost my father, and I lost a large part of myself. I was entering the period of adolescence, that troubled phase in which we say goodbye and mourn our body of children, to embrace the women and men of the future. As the eldest daughter, I played the role of the healer of the family. The connection link. Do you understand what I mean? I became a woman much sooner than I was supposed to because I had to “survive” and protect my people, my tribe.

No one explained the reason for the separation I only knew that there was emotional and physical infidelity.

I had to face for real and in the most hardest way what means the word: dismissive and avoidant.

How does a teenager deal with this situation, and what impact will it have in adult life? Without flowerbeds, it made me realize that intimate relationships require work from both parties. That love, to be loved, you need gestures. You need surprises. But it needs, above all, words accompanied by actions.

There are no white horse princes there are men who bring their family experiences as well as I have mine. In love, there is no room for laziness or suffocating passivity.

In love, there is no room for “me too” when all we want to hear is “I love you!”. “Me too” is like a wall in the rubble when there should be a window, the window of opportunity to experience love.

Honestly, it took me a few years to feel ready to make an intimate commitment to someone else. Because a relationship requires that we have above all space and emotional openness to accept and cherish the other person, even the most irritating details of their personality.

Maturity!

Of course, I have my fears and scars I can’t deny it. I have my moments when certain situations trigger my survival mechanisms and, then I feel, that I must run away, and close myself in the shell.

Our partners, if they haven’t been through a similar situation, aren’t able to understand how we feel or how was the loss the way I describe in this article.

But our partners, if they are the right one, will be able to forge with us strong bonds and emotional connection. That’s what we crave the most. We need to feel that we can be vulnerable and have our soul naked.

Those experiences gave me, the ability to identify when something is off in the relationship, and also be hard workers to fix it as soon as possible.

Those experiences gave me the ability to give my love and express in a healthy way.

Those experiences gave me the power to recognize when I met someone who that lights all the precious lights I have inside instead of running away from him, I want to stay and invest my time and my emotions.

Create. Embrace.

As reflection and to finalize my article, Eduardo Sá, Portuguese Psychologist wrote:

“When we have to fight for a person, in the early stages of dating, we are careful with messages and small gestures. When a relationship installs, we save in the messages. Isn’t very clear the last time two people exchanged a hug or a surprise. It isn’t that clear at times the last time they have said “I love you” to each other with the heart, not only with the mouth. And when we enter through this kind of routine of gestures in which, suddenly, the days seem to be all indifferent, we are falling apart from each other.”

My last question for you is, how to overcome this situation?

My answer is, date everyday even when you don’t feel like it.

Do I have any kind of regrets? As long as I live and as long as my name is Alexandra I will always love the same way and believe that dreams are true.

May we have the ability to reinvent ourselves intimately to love someone regardless of vicissitudes and chaotic life agendas.

With love,

Alexandra