As all of you must notice, I have a different way to approach relationships because I believe humans are complex creatures that deserve respect and deep understanding. I try to give you as much information as I can because around the internet there are plenty of places and plenty of people that demonize other people.
I’ve seen lots of youtube channels where the topic of the videos is all about narcissists, avoidants, breakups, and whatever you can imagine. But, in some cases, I feel in my body that the content they produce is to instigate drama and blame against people who are, traumatized and scared like hell.
Emotional trauma and fear of intimacy is one good cocktail to sabotage intimate relationships when they become real, because there are unresolved issues. Small behaviors can trigger the old memories you have in your brain and projecting them in the present moment, causing anxiety, and the need to escape.
And at this level, we are talking about avoidant attachment style.
My last relationship was with one man with an avoidant attachment style, but more than blame him, and call him names the questions I made after the breakup were: what did he, and our relationship teach me? The answer was simple! It was time to end my family’s legacy.
I had a family pattern in which one of the members of all generations was avoidant. Also, the most stable/secure person would take over the business, solve problems, assume more responsibilities that he or she should, and be the provider.
My grandmother from my father part, my grandfather from my mother part, and now me. We are visible examples of that reality. Is it healthy? No! Because it erodes our health, our lives, because we are too available, always there to help and to solve.
All this was the legacy of my family, while some people pooped, others would clean up the shit creating a cycle of vicious in which those who ran away, never assumed the responsibility for the shit they did.
People, who are ready to clean the shit, are the ones who are always available, available to fix, available to solve, available to give.
Is this healthy?
BIG NO! You can not give and solve everything without having your needs met. And because I am the most important person in my life, this is the real reason why I left the company of my family and delivered one of the tractors for sale. I’m not going to sacrifice myself anymore.
Now, did I loved my ex-partner? Yes, I loved him with all my heart. I saw the real man he is, the human being, the soul.
But was he in a position to be the right partner for me?
No! He is a man who is still angry with women and ended the relationship not because he didn’t love me, but because being there for him was something that he didn’t have even in his childhood. Unfamiliarity breeds repulsive behaviors, which are unhealthy ways to answer.
This man showed up in my life to heal himself, to hold his hand to mine, and walk side by side till I could. But now, I won’t try to rescue or fix anything or anyone. Now I am the principal character of my movie.
More than using your time to look for “the one”, use that time to work on yourself and look inwards. Look at the dynamic of your family, and understand that some people will cross your road. But because they are far behind in their journey, you have to leave them behind with gratitude and compassion.
You can assist the growth of someone you love, but never slow down the pace of your journey to accommodate them!
Mindfulness is the key to success and a better life!
With all my love,