Since I was a little girl, I always remember myself thinking about having a family on my own and a place that I would call home sweet home.
Even though, years later, that reality would be partially shattered by the Rokistanslky diagnosed. I knew I would find a way to cope with this and have healthy intimate relationships with others. In my previous article, I talked about narcissism and other sorts of abusive behaviors that we should be aware of while we are getting to know and dating someone. This reality is especially true for men and women that were raised by an abusive father or mother.

I had only two long term relationships, not because I didn’t have perspective men seeking a relationship with me, but because I always had and still have this motto in my life: “Don’t give your precious “cookie” away for at least 30 days!”.

My vagina and my body are the most precious things I have in this life, so I have to nourish, cherish and protect it as long as I can from people that are unhealthy or unable to see.

When I look back and see in the chronology when these two relationships happened, I understand it was in moments of intense vulnerability and where it was easy to hook me up through love bombing. The first relationship happens after a while of my surgery to correct Rokistansky syndrome, the second when I was dealing with a huge emotional roller coaster solving all the mess in the farming business. I am not ashamed to say either that these two men were the only sexual partners that I have had so far.

The second relationship and the way it ended was a huge punch in the soul for four reasons:

  1. I loved him deeply
  2. I was in Australia without my network of support
  3. I was emotionally empty after a long 2019 year in court battles and working at the sunflower fields. 
  4. The conversations I heard before the break-up made me feel like I was with him to get a visa and get married quickly because of money. 

There was something inside me warning that the discard was coming, that I was an intrude, and not welcome at all. Because one thing is what you hear, another thing completely different is the non-verbal communication and the energy around you. And the funny but not so funny thing around all this was a dear friend of mine, who lives there, told me it wasn’t a good idea to stay at his parent’s house. And she was the only person that ask me to send messages till I arrive in Portugal again.

In normal circumstances, this relationship wouldn’t reach almost the two years mark, because of these examples:

  1. Telling one online friend (female) that he never saw in his life that he was coming to Portugal to visit me.
  2. That woman asked him how was sex and if he was in love, which he replied “I guess so”
  3. He sent pictures to her of the view that we had from our bedroom hotel
  4. He had sent me print screens of one conversation between him and one colleague of his degree, where she shows to him another conversation where one girl wants to get married to him. 
  5. He said he showed me that because it was funny, and I am a secure partner.
  6. When I was looking for jobs to apply in Australia, and after I shared with him I lost one of my farms, he said I was trying to use him to get a visa as his brother’s girlfriend did.
  7. He calls his brother’s girlfriend bitch, narcissist, but added her on Facebook.

I could write so much more about this topic, but the only thing that I want you to understand is that we need to be careful. If you desire to move to another country seeking a new life or spread your acknowledgment, don’t accept a partner visa. I would never accept that because I have a university diploma, and I could apply to the Skilled Independent Visa.

My responsibility in all this was I let things went too far. I should have ended the relationship and went back to Australia to take care of my life only. My life is a precious asset that I don’t allow anyone to mistreat, use, or discard. This man gave me all the signs that he never saw me. What he saw was the image he has about what should be a woman and what that woman should give to him.

We can fall in love with people from different countries, but if you can, don’t use dating apps to meet your future partner. Or at least know your boundaries and educate yourself about attachment styles and emotional unavailability. There are plenty of men and women that will love us for who we are, even when we are in the middle of all this pandemic of narcissism and selfishness.

To conclude my article, I have to say that I only shared with my ex-partner partial parts of the rokitansky journey. Why? Because now, I understand, I never felt emotionally safe to do so because he was sharing our conversations with his family. And this one enormous red flag, because when you can’t share your intimate journey with your partner, he or she isn’t the right person for you.

We had good moments I will carry those moments forever inside me, but now it is time to continue my healing process, and live my beautiful life.

Remember: Know what you want, speak your truth, and move forward.

With all my love,

Alexandra

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27 comentários

  1. Dear Alexandra, I’m sorry you had to experience all those! I can definitely relate to your partner not being trustworthy because he shares your intimate conversations with his parents. At first, we may be blinded by thinking that it’s nice that he’s close with his family until we realize that even the secrets we share to them, they also share with the whole family! It’s just ridiculous.

    Also, thank you so much for your book recommendation ‘Attached’. I am still reading it right now and I’m learning a lot! 🙏❤️ I’m proud of you getting out of that relationship. I know that one day, you’ll find the right man for you — the one who’ll not make you worry but make you feel loved and secure every single day. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Camille,

      Thank you for your commentary! Unfortunately, I saw many things that are just unhealthy, but also I had to comprehend what life was trying to show me and, and the truth is, all these situations were the catalyst I needed to go back in time to grief my father.
      I had to merge completely the child I was with the woman that I am today because we all need that.
      I believe anyone has the power to work on themselves, learn how to let go of old unhealthy patterns, and maintain healthy partners in their lives. But that requires self-awareness, discipline, and commitment.

      Like I wrote yesterday, it will take me a long time to think about or feel that I can date again because for me the relationship was real, and I have to honor the feelings and the experiences.

      I am glad you like the book.

      Take care of yourself!

      Big hug ❤

      Gostar

  2. Everyone is precious and complete . You do not need anything or anyone to be complete as a representation of God .
    Wherever you choose to live , you have your intuition to guide you through your heart and mind…
    You have an EU passport to live in the most developed countries…
    Everything in life is just a dream that we may wake up from sooner or later but what remains is only love and spirituality…
    If things or people do not make you loving and being the best you , just leave them while sending them prayers of love and forgiveness wishing them all goodness …
    Everyone is responsible for the outcome of what they do or feel or say …

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The decision to live in another country is a personal choice based on many aspects like level of life, education system, health system, and so on goes the list. Never should be because of other people, because people can change their minds and their feelings all the time.

      I have a passport to live in the most developed countries in the European Community, and studies also. Which is another reason why I chose Australia because I wanted and not because I was looking for a husband to rape and use for money or visa like I had a hidden agenda.

      The main propose of this article is to make it clear that we shouldn’t shut up our intuition when it says it’s time to leave or there is something wrong. Also, I believe many men and women had faced the same issues in the past, and no one ever heard them, so through my voice, I hope it can reach many people as possible.

      Respect people and their feelings should be a rule and not an exception!

      Have a lovely day!

      Gostar

      1. Dear “Horizons”,

        I appreciate your commentary, and I don’t want you to misinterpret my previous answer. The propose of this article is just a reminder of what we shouldn’t accept, whether from boyfriends, husbands, family members, or co-workers.

        I agree when you say I should only communicate with people who resonate with me because when you live big life-changing experiences as I had in the past or similar, your conscience expands. You look at life and at people with a different perspective, perhaps more serious and more conscious.

        If you work with couples, you know that partners rarely have the same motivation to work on the same problem in the same way at the same time.
        The motivation gap is a serious impediment to progress, and is frustrating to realize your best insights and interventions can be helpless in the face of an unmotivated partner.

        We shouldn’t ask why a particular situation happens, we should find the way, and the right tools to change and create a better reality, our reality. My grandfather once told me that we don’t need much in life, just the necessary to live in peace. And now, I want to live in peace for the rest of my life.

        Big hug!

        Gostar

      2. Regards from Wael…
        Yes , experiences are for us to expand awareness but I learned to choose mindfully the right people to be friends with while consider people I know as acquaintances and leaving a healthy distance .
        Sure send live and move on …This is all. .. Your heart is your own guidance …yes …
        Best wishes …

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Wael,

        I agree with you. I can say, I was always conscious while choosing people to enter my life, for that reason, I still have friendships with more than 20 years.
        This time I failed with my selection process, and I take my responsibility for that because I relax my boundaries, and I was too tired emotionally. Besides that, I am the kind of woman that works towards her goals, the type of woman that won’t let it go before without exhausting all the chances first.

        I learned a lot, and next time it will be even better.

        Best wishes! 🙂

        Gostar

    1. Dear Joshua,

      Thank you for your commentary!

      You are not the first person that tells me that I should write a book, and I have been thinking about that lately because these situations should have visibility and voice. Not to mistreat or demonize anyone, but because abuse can assume many forms, and it has become a new norm.

      When I created this place, I wanted to have a clean, honest environment where my readers would be able to absorb information, and at least, make their lives better.

      I believe I am doing it well, and yes, I will think about your suggestion.

      Have a lovely day! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

    1. What I feel, deep inside my heart, is that we are living in this period where men and women are addicted to intimate relationships that they found on dating apps. But, even though they succeed and find a good partner, they are more interested in social validation, than in the partner as a person.

      I have a motto in my life, which is when I love someone, I love with all my heart. I don’t care what they have or don’t have, because life as a couple is nothing related to possession.

      I don’t hate anyone, but I am healing the scar I have right in my heart and my soul.

      Have a lovely day!

      🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes, I think you are right – and it is very sad. As you say, there is more to life than possessions or social validation. Your life is so much richer if you build it on loving, meaningful relationships – relationships which are secure and have some permanence to them. Have a lovely day as well.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. mrkh? interesting and again, i see you as being very brave to share such a personal condition but in doing so, i hope it will help others to know they are just as special as others and they are not alone.

    each entry on this blog solidifies just how awesome you are.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, it is my dear friend MRKH that taught me so much about life, people, and how to be a real human being.

      I hope my writing can reach as many people as possible, because I am like many others the living example that our weakness is, in reality, our strength.

      Thank you so much for your support! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

    1. My dear Robert,

      I think I will never be able to understand the whole situation. I do understand why, but I will never be able to understand why men and women discard good partners out of the blue.
      I don’t understand why people play games. I don’t understand why they pull you into an intimate relationship when they know deep down they can’t make it work.

      I have to admit I had a serious nervous breakdown in the second week of January, but I will write about that in the next articles.

      Sigh…

      Liked by 1 person

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