Imagine that you are in one committed relationship, but for some reason, you feel that your partner withholds sex and intimacy. Inside your gut, the alarming bell is always on the warning mode telling there is something unnatural. He or she doesn’t kiss you that much, don’t hold hands with you, might walk ahead from you on the street. And sex is mechanical like he or she is doing you a favor, or to satisfy themselves. They miss when you are away, but when you are near, you can sense their discomfort.
The experience of hot and cold dynamic start to deplete you emotionally and after many conversations trying to understand the situation, seems to be no resolution in sight.
You may ask yourself: Is he or she into me? Am I attractive enough? Where is the man or the woman at the beginning of our relationship?
Believe it or not, attachment styles explains the roots of how we relate with others and how we see sex. And because the video I will use to this article has the title – why the narcissist frustrates you sexually? – You have to know that narcissism is a toxic protective shield of individuals with low self-esteem and emotionally damaged.
Individuals, men, or women, with avoidant or fearful-avoidant attachment style, will withhold sex from you as a form of control, fear of intimacy, fear of enmeshment, or emotional suffocation. They did not experience emotional attunement and consistency while growing up, so real intimacy is perceived as something dangerous.
What this will cost long term:
- Disconnection in relationships
- More frequent break-ups
- More short-term relationships; low number of long-term relationships
- Lack of closeness
- Decreased sexual arousal and pleasure
- Isolated and lonely sexual experiences (compulsive masturbation, addiction to pornography)
- Higher levels of Inhibition and anxiety
- Dissatisfied Spouses
- Creation of superficial and quick relationships
Typically, we, society, perceive abuse, or associate the word abuse with physical action. However, the most destructive form happens in silence and within what should be a place of sharing and love.
If we look at those individuals with attachment trauma, or with avoidant/ fearful-avoidant attachment style, they experienced abuse in their lives. And being avoidant, or avoid intimacy is a technique to protect themselves from pain and rejection.
We are not fixed or broken beings. People with attachment trauma can learn to open up and be more emotionally and sexually expressive. Learn new skills to connect with themselves and their bodies to gain self-awareness, acceptance, and personal growth.
Withhold sex from your partner is abusive and blame him or her for the problems of the relationship dismissing your participation in the dynamic is also part of that abusive cycle. In severe cases, attachment trauma and narcissism can cohabit, so you will seek romantic fantasies, and jump from one relationship to another without looking after your actions, words, and punitive behaviors towards others, and yourself.
The key to starting the change happens when we admit we have a problem and that we need help.
Where to find professional help: