Imagine that you are in one committed relationship, but for some reason, you feel that your partner withholds sex and intimacy. Inside your gut, the alarming bell is always on the warning mode telling there is something unnatural. He or she doesn’t kiss you that much, don’t hold hands with you, might walk ahead from you on the street. And sex is mechanical like he or she is doing you a favor, or to satisfy themselves. They miss when you are away, but when you are near, you can sense their discomfort.

The experience of hot and cold dynamic start to deplete you emotionally and after many conversations trying to understand the situation, seems to be no resolution in sight.

You may ask yourself: Is he or she into me? Am I attractive enough? Where is the man or the woman at the beginning of our relationship?

Believe it or not, attachment styles explains the roots of how we relate with others and how we see sex. And because the video I will use to this article has the title – why the narcissist frustrates you sexually? – You have to know that narcissism is a toxic protective shield of individuals with low self-esteem and emotionally damaged.

Individuals, men, or women, with avoidant or fearful-avoidant attachment style, will withhold sex from you as a form of control, fear of intimacy, fear of enmeshment, or emotional suffocation. They did not experience emotional attunement and consistency while growing up, so real intimacy is perceived as something dangerous. 

What this will cost long term:

  • Disconnection in relationships
  • More frequent break-ups
  • More short-term relationships; low number of long-term relationships
  • Lack of closeness
  • Decreased sexual arousal and pleasure
  • Isolated and lonely sexual experiences (compulsive masturbation, addiction to pornography)
  • Higher levels of Inhibition and anxiety
  • Dissatisfied Spouses
  • Creation of superficial and quick relationships

Typically, we, society, perceive abuse, or associate the word abuse with physical action. However, the most destructive form happens in silence and within what should be a place of sharing and love.
If we look at those individuals with attachment trauma, or with avoidant/ fearful-avoidant attachment style, they experienced abuse in their lives. And being avoidant, or avoid intimacy is a technique to protect themselves from pain and rejection.

We are not fixed or broken beings. People with attachment trauma can learn to open up and be more emotionally and sexually expressive. Learn new skills to connect with themselves and their bodies to gain self-awareness, acceptance, and personal growth.

Withhold sex from your partner is abusive and blame him or her for the problems of the relationship dismissing your participation in the dynamic is also part of that abusive cycle. In severe cases, attachment trauma and narcissism can cohabit, so you will seek romantic fantasies, and jump from one relationship to another without looking after your actions, words, and punitive behaviors towards others, and yourself.

The key to starting the change happens when we admit we have a problem and that we need help.

Where to find professional help:

https://www.betterhelp.com

https://www.psychology.org.au/for-the-public/about-psychology/types-of-psychologists/Counselling-psychology

With love,

Alexandra

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11 comentários

  1. Thanks Alexandra, this is a very sensitive, but important topic we talk way too little about. I’ve learned all of this by now, but it would really come handy years ago. I hope this post will spare some pain to other people and encourage them to start talking about it. Thanks for spreading the awareness.

    Gostar

    1. Dear Maja,

      Thank you for leave here your commentary!

      Feel free to share this article with your audience, because unfortunately, we are living this period where avoidant attachment and narcissism traits are on the rise. Also, we have to acknowledge that the difficulties we experience in intimate relationships, or relationships, in general, is rooted in our attachment style system, and the way we were raised by our caregivers.

      When someone you love withholds intimacy from you, it can damage your self-esteem and make you crazy to the point of blaming yourself. Communication is the key to start a new path, but the other person has to recognize he or she has a problem and needs help.

      Real relationships need real intimacy, and that is why now I advise anyone who wants to use online dating as a form to meet people, to understand first attachment style theory.

      So when someone dumps you, they dump you not because you are needy, clingy, or unhealthy. But because you and your love is a threat to them.

      Have a lovely weekend!

      Alexandra

      Liked by 2 people

      1. It’s completely different when you meet somebody online or elsewhere. Because elsewhere the whole seduction games look different. People need to actually put some effort in order to get your attraction (other than just typing some sweet words).

        Thanks a lot for offering, the sharing option. Does it mean that I can publish it as a guest post (with your credit of course)?

        I wish you a lovely weekend too. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Donovan,

        thank you for you commentary!

        Yes, you are absolutely correct! Porn can itself cause significant disinterest and blunting of desire. The same happens with masturbation.

        Unfortunately, withhold sex intercourse is a typical deactivating strategy applied by people with avoidant/fearful attachment styles in intimate relationships. It is all about self-protection because they have a deep fear of abandonment and because they want relationships but with distance.

        These individuals experienced feelings of engulfment and enmeshment in their childhood, even if they don’t remember.

        Have a good day 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’m reading interesting book called mating in captivity that talks about the numerous dynamics in long term relationships similar to what u mentioned…very interesting!!

        Liked by 1 person

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