Today I decided to share a conversation that happened on youtube while ago between another user and me. Breakups are hard. And a large percentage of them tend to occur in moments of anxiety, and misunderstandings.
When we go “no contact” after a breakup, it isn’t because we are playing mind games, but because we want to heal, grow, and move on with our lives. We all know that time apart helps our brain and body to recover from the loss, and also re-establish the normal function of our endocrine system.
No contact is also a form of respect for our ex-partner’s wishes and desires. with our silence, we are saying to them: “I heard what you want and need!”
The example I bring here is the reflection of how long it can take for us to recover from a breakup. Also, after two months, the ex-partner tried to contact her, which stopped the healing process, awakening doubts, and longing feelings.
So what all this means?
Most of us don’t know or had someone to teach us at home what is real love and intimacy.
Love is: Action and Muscle!
Intimacy is: Into me see
Soon I will write one article about fearful-avoidant attachment style. But now, I can say that men or women who have attachment trauma are more prone to experiment limerence and a strong need to finish relationships out of the blue, which is dangerous for them. Why? Limerence is not only addictive but also a response to trauma. Homeostatic impulse or confirmation bios like we call in psychology is the subconscious attraction towards what is familiar, and the repulse towards what is unfamiliar.
Example: You meet a partner that your conscious mind say he or she is healthy for you. But something is missing, you don’t feel the intense attraction of the beginning, and their actions of love are quite repulsive. Your subconscious mind will give you all the shreds of evidence why you should dump them. On the paper, and for real, they are amazing people, but you, because you have attachment trauma, you will discard them and seek what is familiar. And familiarity, in this case, is toxicity.
Limerence or Infatuation happens when:
- You are drawn to traits in another person that you are repressing in yourself.
- You have a deep unmet need.
- You have painful stories about yourself.
We all experience limerence in the early stages of one relationship. But for individuals with attachment trauma, limerence can lead them to bad decisions in life, reject healthy partners and also, lack of consistency to sustain a relationship.
The rule is, the more you have a lack, the more you crave wholeness. So, the more lack of something, the more infatuation you will feel for someone.
“Levitan offers a handy list of five signs that suggest that an infatuation is not to be trusted.
- The infatuation is the whole relationship. There’s nothing else there. No shared vision or values of the life pathways you both want. Minimal shared interests. Not much to talk about after the initial getting-to-know-you conversations.
- You’re so caught up in the chemistry of initial attraction that you can’t, or don’t want to, see who the person really is.
- You’re infatuated and at the same time know that the person is bad for you.
- You’re moving toward marriage but find yourself thinking about someone you’ve dated in the past, or looking at others you might date in the future.
- You know at some level that you are wasting your time enjoying being infatuated with someone whom you wouldn’t want to marry. “
Infatuation or limerence are repeated thoughts and impulses that mimic what you have done in the past and raise the hell on you to keep you in your comfort zone.
Now to the end of this article and to make you think:
What most people nowadays do after a breakup?
They go to dating apps to seek new validation or start dating new people right away, mimic again what they have done in the past. The cycle will only end when they realize that love begins within and trauma exist not to demonize who we are, but to help us to grow.
I hope the girl on the youtube commentary one day find the love she deserves, because I believe and feel, that people who educate themselves to be better humans deserve the best.