Human beings are complex creatures, and the more complex they will become when in one intimate relationship. At some level, all of us experienced traumatic experiences in our lives, which left an imprint in our subconscious mind. For this reason, we all have unmet needs that can be dangerous when in the wrong hands, and this is why so many men and women fall into the trap of toxic relationships with emotional predators or unavailable people.

Men were and are still being taught that it is wrong to express their feelings or talk about emotions. Even though this scenario is changing with many men educating themselves for love, many relationships still failing because of the lack of efficient communication. But also how our unmet emotional needs play harsh games with our emotions and perception of our partners.

So before you leave the partner that you have by your side, because somebody else comes along and is closing the gap in one of your unmet emotional needs. Ask yourself why you are not feeling seen by your partner, and see if you are expressing your needs correctly.

More than exchange partners, we should be honest with ourselves and allow vulnerability, fear, and uncertainty to be part of a healthy emotional life. We don’t have to be happy all the time. We have to be who we are and do the hard work of self-discovering and self-acceptance.

The right woman for you, because this post is about men, will see you and love you exactly like you are. A healthy woman will want to connect with you not because of the things you possess and your abilities in bed, but for how much safe she feels around you.

“In many attractions of inspiration, it can take time for our attraction to build. In such cases, it can be difficult to resist fleeing in search of something more clear-cut. As a result, many potentially wonderful relationships are cut off before ever being given a chance. The truth is that we can deepen our healthy attractions, and intensify their passion.

When we desire someone and then postpone the sex (for at least five or six dates), surprising new pathways of attraction form. It’s a great way to grow passion. More important, having sex too early is like Miracle-Gro for any fear of intimacy we might have. It makes us want to flee. So go slowly on the outside, but allow yourself free rein in your fantasy life.”

I hope you enjoy the video below.

With love,

Alexandra

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34 comentários

  1. “Men were and are still being taught that it is wrong to express their feelings or talk about emotions.”. One can construe this as the feminization of men. I think that men and women express themselves differently, so a woman may analyze and man and say that he’s not expressing himself correctly. Yet, to a man, he is.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t agree, but I accept your point of view. True that men and women express themselves differently, but it is also true that men have a hard time verbalizing their needs, and this is a fact not a feminization of men. I am talking about the Power of relational Intelligence.

      Did you watch the video?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I did but I still I suggest to you that it is exactly the feminization of men. Presentations are rarely objective, and usually created to provide a point of view, and the woman in the video is describing relationship behaviors through her personal prism. I think that men should be in tune with their emotions, but not to express them in a feminine way.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. But it does, especially when you consider evolutionary psychology. There are lots of visual cues that have made the attraction of men to women critical over the evolution of our species. Lately, masculinity has taken a hit for men and in come instances, masculinity is considered toxic. These are liberal ideologies that fly in the face of millennia of male/female interaction.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I’m talking about communication skills, not about masculinity or whatever.

        And the phrase you used to show me your point of view is part of this context: “Men were and are still being taught that it is wrong to express their feelings or talk about emotions. Even though this scenario is changing with many men educating themselves for love, many relationships still failing because of the lack of efficient communication. But also how our unmet emotional needs play harsh games with our emotions and perception of our partners.”

        Emotional education or educate people, men, or women, to have healthy relationships aren’t liberal ideologies, are real concepts that we try to teach people to have better emotional lives and sexual fulfillment.

        Names like John Gottman or John Gray are basilar stones in these principles.

        Gostar

      4. I think that this is where we disagree. I do believe it’s a feminist adjunct to their ideology. I fully support a womans right for equality. I just oppose the idea of gender fluidity. There are traits associated with men, and some with women. They are and should be unique to those genders. And I don’t believe that the term education applies in this instance. It infers lack of knowledge as opposed to disagreement on the subject.

        Gostar

      5. “Where we disagree is that you look at this topic as isolated”: Because I know about what I am talking about, but I respect your opinion.

        Anyway, let me tell you, many men are suffering every day with performance anxiety, for example. And just a few talk about it because of shame. Is this healthy? Of course not and many things have to change, like it or not!

        Gostar

      6. I understand that there may be a bit of a language barrier, so that might be a bit of this. For example ‘because I know what I am talking about’ infers that I don’t. I’m sure that you couldn’t possible mean that, so I won’t take it that way. If men are experiencing ‘performance’ anxiety, then they should call their doctor.

        Gostar

      7. No, there is no language barrier (I didn’t like that observation). I forgot to copy the part of your answer that I replied to, but I corrected it already. I know what I am talking about, I know my point and is nothing related with gender fluidity or making men feminine.

        Gostar

      8. Male- and female-specific traits only appear statistically, when looking at large numbers of people. You can’t say anything about individual people, who in either gender can run the whole range of any behaviour you want to look at. And people’s behaviours are dynamic— they change over time.

        ‘Masculinity’ is not an objective property. It doesn’t even exist as a concept to some people.

        The whole discussion in the post is equally applicable to anyone of any gender, race or anything else you want to distinguish people by. The post is discussing potential negative societal influences on men’s behaviours, in a statistical sense. It’s only indirectly about men, not about intrinsic properties of men.

        Liked by 1 person

      9. As with everything, the middle ground is correct— behaviours are a combination of genetic and environmental factors, to greater and lesser degrees. It’s never one or the other. It’s demonstrable that culture can have an effect of changing someone’s behaviour to something they may not necessarily be comfortable with, or which is not ideal. E.g. racism, which has roots in both genetics and culture.

        In fact regarding your ‘feminisation of men’, if you accept that that is possible, then you must also accept the possibility of the ‘masculinisation of men’ through culture. There’s no way of stating that any particular state is the ‘correct’ or ‘natural’ one. These discussions are only motivated by wanting to find improvements for everyone. The value of them is entirely subjective to each person. A take-it-or-leave-it.

        Liked by 1 person

      10. Hello Robin 🙂

        And thank you for your commentaries. What I still don’t get is why and how that idea of “the feminization of men” emerges here because the post and video are about attachment style, subconscious unmeet needs, and why it is so important to talk about what we want and need in relationships.
        What Thais talks about in her video can be applied to both genders, and this isn’t a new topic to the psychology community. However, topics like this one have been widely discussed to help both men and women to find new and healthy ways to relate with each other.

        When we start a relationship with somebody else or feel a deep attraction towards that person, our subconscious mind is playing all the necessary methods to allow us to explore that new relationship possibility to suppress our unmeet needs and heal our wounds. It can be great if you find one amazing partner that will assist you or a complete disaster if the other person re-traumatizes you. And in this last point, re-traumatize, all of us need to understand which is our principal attachment style and the second one.

        https://blogs.psychcentral.com/attachment/2012/04/our-attachment-style-determines-our-relationship-style/

        http://bettertherapy.com/blog/unmet-needs/

        Liked by 1 person

      11. That feminisation stuff, it just comes along with the perception of ‘militant feminism’. Of course, it will be true that you could find people trying to force views or attitudes onto other people. But I see that some people automatically denigrate the whole idea of ‘feminism’ by equating it to the style shown by those ‘militant’ type people. I got quite annoyed at two of my best friends once for viewing it this way, and I have pretty intellectual friends. The concept of feminism as an idea is separate from the actual implementation of it. Anyways I could go on, lol.

        “our subconscious mind is playing all the necessary methods to allow us to explore that new relationship possibility to suppress our unmeet needs and heal our wounds.”

        Yes, I’ve been guilty of this myself and learned my lesson. And my life has mostly been in some state of turmoil so far, hence being single for most of it. Those unmet needs, exactly, in the last year I have been able to describe and formalise them and feel the closest ever to meeting them :).

        I will read those articles!

        Liked by 1 person

      12. All that you wrote in your commentary is correct, and I am glad to know that you have self-awareness. I don’t defend the feminist movement because, for me, it’s extremely disrespectful for the image of real women.
        My point with this article and video is to call attention to everyone, but men in particular to the necessity to talk about needs. And how those unmet needs can lead great men to horrible relationships.

        Yes, many men are victims like women of abusive relationships, but no one talks about it. Or explains why that happens!

        🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Eu aprecio muito a forma como tu te colocas. Faz com que o tema tratado seja fácil de ser aceito e compreendido até por nós, homens. Sendo homem, eu me reconheço na tua fala e aceito meus erros. É difícil para todos nós admitirmos que a vida toda temos oprimido e tratado mal às mulheres. E não digo isso porque quero subir no teu conceito. Eu, simplesmente, acho que entendo o teu ponto de vista.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Bom dia Ricardo,

      obrigada pelo teu comentário! 🙂 Sei que estes são assuntos que à primeira vista podem parecer recentes mas, a verdade, é que têm sido discutidos ao longo de várias décadas por vários autores. A nossa mente inconsciente tem um papel fundamental nas escolhas ou decisões do dia-a-dia e até mesmo dos nossos relacionamentos. E é esta compreensão que deve ser dada a conhecer aos cidadãos. Além da mente inconsciente, deveria existir educação nas escolas sobre como as nossas hormonas funcionam e como elas em conjunto com as nossas necessidades que estão por suprimir nos levam a relacionamentos tóxicos.

      Não me arrependo em nada dos assuntos que trago aqui e deveria existir mais pessoas com a minha frontalidade e vontade de pôr o dedo na ferida, não para magoar, mas para educar.

      Gostar

  3. Thank you for making me feel less crazy! :D. You may as well just view me as a woman for all that I relate to these descriptions of guys, lol. I’m completely on the side of wanting intellectual attraction equal with or above physical attraction, and therefore sex is just like any other relationship thing you would do. No logical reason to rush that over any other. Conversations are the thing you’re gunna spend most time in so best to sort that out first xD. It’s beyond logical, and the rest is just self-discipline.

    “A healthy woman will want to connect with you not because of the things you possess and your abilities in bed, but for how much safe she feels around you.”

    Tell me, where can I find such unicorn woman? 😅

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello Robin,

      I will be honest with you, the more we know what we want and need in relationships and life, the more it will seem we are crazy. Not because you are crazy but because people around you are terrified and confused. They may say they want you, and then disappear, or they left you for someone lesser, making you feel you aren’t enough. Never fall into this trap because when someone dumps you. The reasons why they leave are more related to them than to you, and they might leave you because you are real relationship material, and so they will get hurt to love you. People are afraid to get hurt and burden by love.

      The more we delay sexual intercourse with one potential partner, the more we will be able to get to know the real him or her. As you must know, sexual intercourse releases high doses of oxytocin and dopamine in our brain and body, which will make us connect with the other person. And this is the real explanation of why men and women who had sex with narcissists or other types of emotionally unavailable individuals experience trauma bonding and intrinsic inability to move on and find happiness in healthy relationships/partners. Their brains are addicted to these high levels of dopamine and oxytocin, like cocaine.

      Where can you find such a unicorn woman? There are in this world plenty of women who want and can sustain healthy relationships. They know what they want and where they are going. They are single and enjoying it, but at some point, they will want to have a relationship and settle down. The owner of this blog is one of them.

      Have a lovely day 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks Alexandra! That was all very fascinating and insightful. I appreciate the advice :). You make a lot of sense.

        “The more we delay sexual intercourse with one potential partner, the more we will be able to get to know the real him or her.”

        I agree. I’ve heard people justify the opposite of that, by saying that it’s important to find any dealbreakers in the bed upfront. 😨. I mean what, all the emotional and personality stuff is directly relevant to stuff in the bed 😆. And as if you’re gunna find your soul mate, but turn it down because things are a little bit ‘awkward’ in bed somehow (if that’s even possible?). That point of view seems really callous to me. Anyways, I’m never in a rush for the physical stuff. It should be emotional and intimate!

        It’s hard to imagine getting any pleasure out of sex with a narcissist, but anyway xD. Narcissists always give me the shivers. The wrong kind of shivers 😅.

        I seem to have found a fellow keyboard ninja! 😜

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Hello Robin, good morning! 🙂

        For me, it is a huge turn-off when men approach me saying hello sexy, or you are beautiful, and I will explain why. Just because I am beautiful or sexy, it doesn’t mean that maybe, I am a woman with a personality disorder. And this is what I call attention to my students, trying to teach them how to use social media or even how to approach potential romantic prospects or even avoid the usage of dating apps.

        Twenty years ago, we didn’t need dating advice to navigate the dating world. Because everything was more straight forward and consistent. When somebody else wanted to know you, they would only focus on you, and not get distracted by outsiders. We lost it. We are living this period where relationships are menus à la carte, you chose people by their looks, and then you will see. And this is why I open my commentary with the statement: “it is a huge turn-off when men approach me saying hello sexy, or you are beautiful, and I will explain why. Just because I am beautiful or sexy, it doesn’t mean that maybe, I am a woman with a personality disorder.”

        The menu à la carte emerges with dating apps, cell phones, and social media. The addiction to seek perfection never in the history of human relationships led to so many heartbreaks. I know how it works, I know how players play their games and believe me, you will drive a player crazy when you deny having sex with them. And this reminds one episode a few months ago on Facebook when I received a message from one man that I never saw in my life, that he was excited to meet because I am sexy. He was in a relationship with another woman, and my answer to him was only one sentence: “You rang the wrong doorbell, for now, I don’t do couple counseling!”

        I wish more women and even men would do this, self-protection, self-respect, and self-love.

        I am glad you have found a fellow keyboard ninja! 🙂

        Gostar

  4. Great article. It has been awhile since I stopped by. Trying to adjust to COVID Quarantine took away my normal reading times in the AM.

    How have you been? These articles continue to be great. I hope all is well, and thank you for sharing. There is so much to be said about delay of gratification and its effects on growing not only sexual but emotional intimacy.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Thomas,

      Everything is well in here, and thank you for stopping by. I hope you and your family are well too. The truth is, the more we delay sexual intercourse and instead use the dating process to ask necessary or fundamental questions, the more we will build over time great relationships.
      Nowadays, people start things from the end to the beginning, and even if they meet great people, they will do anything to sabotage the relationship because of fear and because they don’t know themselves.

      Big hug and have a great week!

      Liked by 1 person

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