The lyrics of All or Nothing, a song performed by Cher, is the reflection of how human beings sometimes stay too long in relationships that aren’t right for them.
“I’ve been trying to get to your heart
But I’m chasing shadows
We keep falling further apart
So near and you’re so far
Do you care now? Do you know how?
Baby it’s all or nothing now
I don’t want to run and I can’t walk out
Breaking my heart if you leave me now
Don’t want to wait forever
Who do you think you’re fooling
Who do you think you’re fooling
Baby it’s all or nothing
Baby it’s all or nothing now”
Let’s go straight to the point. People are whimsical. In all this technological dating era that we are living now, people are even becoming more whimsical, and very few know how to be consistent or understand that a real relationship needs consistency. Some are chasing a lurching fantasy. Others don’t have the skill set to be present and sustain a relationship, and they know that. Perhaps their friends and family said you weren’t a good match, or you were too good to be true. Perhaps they love the idea of having someone, but the task of it is too difficult for them. And then, they leave you after promising the world, urging you into a relationship, and being the ones who tell you first how strong their feelings were about you.
No, you can’t oblige anyone to love you, and you can’t have a relationship with someone scared or gave too much too soon. And no, you don’t have to ruminate or enter in one ongoing diagnosis of what you did correctly or wrongly.
Your duty is so much more profound, which is to pick up the pieces, find strength and peace of mind.
Here’s what you should do after a breakup to heal and stay healthy:
1. Go No Contact, and this isn’t a game. It is a tool for your inner recovery, which allows you to reconnect with your authentic self without distractions. (No phone calls, no messages, or social media stalking).
2. Surround yourself with good close friends and family to talk about it openly, get their support and emotional comfort.
3. The first few weeks will be heavy, so allow yourself to cry, to grieve, to feel anger, frustration, and loss, because bottle up emotions will make you sick and emotionally unhealthy in the long run.
4. Find a good therapist, because a good therapist will guide in this new journey and help you to get excited about the future.
5. Exercise and hydrate your body. Outdoor workout maximizes your serotonin and dopamine levels, but also endorphins, which are necessary to keep your mood and self-esteem balanced. And if you can do your exercise with a friend or with your pet. Hydration helps you to release toxic fluids from your body but also decreases the levels of cortisol (Stress hormone).
6. Consider a dating detox and enjoy this sabbatical period. Perhaps you think that you should start dating other people and go to dating apps, but that will only lead you to disaster and re-traumatize yourself. I have a personal opinion about dating apps and how people pretend to date nowadays, which is if we want a real long-term relationship, we should use the old fashion methods to get to know people. Online dating is a peculiar animal where you should be smart and be aware of the visible and invisible red flags.
More than dating and have sex with other people to forget your ex or feel good about anything, use, and live a sabbatical period to improve yourself, your career. And life in general.
7. Buy a new sex toy and learn to explore your body. Yes, yes and yes, and one more yes! Learn how to have sex with yourself, and have fun within your sheets. Perhaps your partner avoided having sex with you. Maybe it was mechanical. Maybe was addicted to masturbation or porn, and couldn’t experience the real pleasure given by a real sexual relationship and a real partner, anyway, now you have the power to experience whatever you want and satisfy your needs.
8. Project your confidence in the world, and give yourself a self-date.
9. Be present for your loved ones.
10. Flirt! “The ideal flirt is a pioneer in a crucial democratic science: they are attempting to correctly identify attractiveness in a way that will serve the many rather than the few. We should not only be grateful to good flirts; we should try to become good flirts ourselves.” – School of Life
11. Hug hard yourself, people, animals and trees. You deserve it!
12. Allow time to heal your heart, mind, body, and memories.
Remember who you are now and who you were before you meet them. Take your ex out from the pedestal, and end that cycle, the chapter you had because you can’t go back in time. Do you have an idea of how many men and women who claim their whole lives that they want to have a partner with certain characteristics, and when they have it in front of them, they run away and scare themselves?
How many men and women reject good partners because they are easily influenced by family and friend’s opinions? Or because they have afraid to be rejected, they will do it first?
I invite you now to take a deep breath and be sure of one thing: YOU ARE ENOUGH!
In love or in Life it’s all or nothing, never accept less!