We are beginning a new week and also the last two weeks of August month, so today, I decided to write about the following topic: When it’s the right time to have the marriage/having kids conversation? Without sounding an ultimatum.
For a large percentage of women, even with social and economic emancipation, the dream to build a traditional family is part of their life goals, and this implies getting married and has kids with her partner. But what is surprising is how often women are afraid to have this conversation with their partners. And sometimes even remain in relationships where the man gives clear signs that he doesn’t want the same. Or at least not at the same time as she does.
Without forgetting the social pressure that we suffer to find a partner and have a baby, the reality is we have a limited time frame to conceive even though. There is a raise of women having kids after their forties, which is becoming the new motherhood pattern.
Now I have three questions for you:
1. What is your principal goal: have kids or a partner?
2. Why do you want to get married? It is your dream or satisfies family and social expectations?
3. Did you ever consider the possibility of having kids on your own?
Why oocyte cryopreservation matter for women?
Some voices call this a feminist movement. I call it prevention, fertility preservation, and the possibility to have a baby later in life with no pressure. Also, it can release anxiety and make you enjoy the dating process and be able to focus on a healthy selection process where you will find a suitable partner. Oocyte cryopreservation was used in the past for women who had cancer, problems in their reproductive system, or family history of early menopause. Nowadays, as long as we want, we can use this technique to gain time on our fertility timeline and focus on other areas of life.
I did this technique when I was 24 years old due to health problems, and although it was an expensive process (because I did it in the private health system), and also physically transformative because I felt like I was pregnant. I am in peace knowing that not only sooner or later, I will be a mother, but also as long as I live. I will always dictate the rules of my life.
For sure, I want to have a man in my life, but I want that man because I am madly in love with him. Not because I am desperately seeking someone to father my children.
I strongly suggest you consider this option if you truly want to have a baby and feel your time is “running out.”
Why should you talk with your partner about your desire to get married and have kids?
We, women, tend to begin relationships with men only if we like them enough, and if we see on them a good potential to raise a life together. Also, we will be intimate with them if their words match their actions, and if all this together can connect within us. But a more profound conversation about this will be for another post.
Let’s imagine that your main goal when you enter a partnership is to get married and have kids. But as time goes by, you sense that your partner is reluctant to the idea of getting married and have a family. What should you do? You have to be very clear about your timeline but also your willingness to walk away if that is necessary.
If your relationship is firmly based on a mutual agreement where marriage and kids are one of the main goals, be firm and courageous speaking your truth and don’t have afraid if it sounds like an ultimatum.
We all know that people are scared nowadays to assume major commitments due to the high rates of divorce and their consequences. But also, because of the large number of available potential partners, even if it is a virtual potentiality. Either way, you should speak your truth and be very clear about your needs. Assuming that you have been talking about this before and you are in a long term relationship, your partner has to give you a timeline that will allow you to decide “should I stay or should I go.”
You can say: Babe, I love you madly, but I want to let you know that I will leave if we don’t get married or at least have kids any time soon because I want to be a mother and the time is “running out for me”. I’m not threatening you, just speaking my truth and my needs. So if you are not ready to take this step with me, let me know, and I will seek other options.
Remember: No one wants a proposal triggered by a threat.
An ultimatum will only be an ultimatum if you don’t take action and follow it through. An ultimatum is a synonym that you reached your bottom line, not because you are irritated or being demanding, but because you have the right to live your life and dreams. For someone who truly loves you and is sure about their feelings for you, the answer will be immediate.
Be always upfront about your needs, desires, and dreams. Speak your truth and hear theirs. Remember that a real relationship happens when we are willing to walk through rough paths holdings hands.
Finally, I want you to be happy and see you achieving your dreams.
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