We are beginning a new week and also the last two weeks of August month, so today, I decided to write about the following topic: When it’s the right time to have the marriage/having kids conversation? Without sounding an ultimatum.

For a large percentage of women, even with social and economic emancipation, the dream to build a traditional family is part of their life goals, and this implies getting married and has kids with her partner. But what is surprising is how often women are afraid to have this conversation with their partners. And sometimes even remain in relationships where the man gives clear signs that he doesn’t want the same. Or at least not at the same time as she does.

Without forgetting the social pressure that we suffer to find a partner and have a baby, the reality is we have a limited time frame to conceive even though. There is a raise of women having kids after their forties, which is becoming the new motherhood pattern.

Now I have three questions for you:

1. What is your principal goal: have kids or a partner?

2. Why do you want to get married? It is your dream or satisfies family and social expectations?

3. Did you ever consider the possibility of having kids on your own?

Why oocyte cryopreservation matter for women?


Some voices call this a feminist movement. I call it prevention, fertility preservation, and the possibility to have a baby later in life with no pressure. Also, it can release anxiety and make you enjoy the dating process and be able to focus on a healthy selection process where you will find a suitable partner. Oocyte cryopreservation was used in the past for women who had cancer, problems in their reproductive system, or family history of early menopause. Nowadays, as long as we want, we can use this technique to gain time on our fertility timeline and focus on other areas of life.

I did this technique when I was 24 years old due to health problems, and although it was an expensive process (because I did it in the private health system), and also physically transformative because I felt like I was pregnant. I am in peace knowing that not only sooner or later, I will be a mother, but also as long as I live. I will always dictate the rules of my life.
For sure, I want to have a man in my life, but I want that man because I am madly in love with him. Not because I am desperately seeking someone to father my children.
I strongly suggest you consider this option if you truly want to have a baby and feel your time is “running out.”

Why should you talk with your partner about your desire to get married and have kids?
We, women, tend to begin relationships with men only if we like them enough, and if we see on them a good potential to raise a life together. Also, we will be intimate with them if their words match their actions, and if all this together can connect within us. But a more profound conversation about this will be for another post.

Let’s imagine that your main goal when you enter a partnership is to get married and have kids. But as time goes by, you sense that your partner is reluctant to the idea of getting married and have a family. What should you do? You have to be very clear about your timeline but also your willingness to walk away if that is necessary.

If your relationship is firmly based on a mutual agreement where marriage and kids are one of the main goals, be firm and courageous speaking your truth and don’t have afraid if it sounds like an ultimatum.

We all know that people are scared nowadays to assume major commitments due to the high rates of divorce and their consequences. But also, because of the large number of available potential partners, even if it is a virtual potentiality. Either way, you should speak your truth and be very clear about your needs. Assuming that you have been talking about this before and you are in a long term relationship, your partner has to give you a timeline that will allow you to decide “should I stay or should I go.”

You can say: Babe, I love you madly, but I want to let you know that I will leave if we don’t get married or at least have kids any time soon because I want to be a mother and the time is “running out for me”. I’m not threatening you, just speaking my truth and my needs. So if you are not ready to take this step with me, let me know, and I will seek other options.

Remember: No one wants a proposal triggered by a threat.

An ultimatum will only be an ultimatum if you don’t take action and follow it through. An ultimatum is a synonym that you reached your bottom line, not because you are irritated or being demanding, but because you have the right to live your life and dreams. For someone who truly loves you and is sure about their feelings for you, the answer will be immediate.

Be always upfront about your needs, desires, and dreams. Speak your truth and hear theirs. Remember that a real relationship happens when we are willing to walk through rough paths holdings hands.

Finally, I want you to be happy and see you achieving your dreams.

With love,

Alexandra

One article to read:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/singletons/201606/6-benefits-children-older-mothers

Junte-se à conversa

7 comentários

    1. Dear Rebecca,

      Thank you for your commentary and your suggestion of how to approach men about this topic.

      However, the bit that sounds manipulative is part of this entire context:

      “Babe, I love you madly, but I want to let you know that I will leave if we don’t get married or at least have kids any time soon because I want to be a mother and the time is “running out for me”. I’m not threatening you, just speaking my truth and my needs. So if you are not ready to take this step with me, let me know, and I will seek other options.”

      When we are dealing with our dreams, hopes, needs, and wants. We got to be proactive and take steps to solve situations that are inconvenient and unsatisfactory for us. Our conversations only will be manipulative if we don’t take action and if we don’t follow through what we are saying. I ended a relationship of six years 4 years ago because, after many conversations about having a family, his behavior was always the same. Why? Because I allowed it to happen, and I waited too long.

      In many cases, men will wake up for life and for what they want when you leave, but then it will be too late.

      We should be upfront, real, and respect our dreams. If our principal goal is to have children, we should approach this subject with our boyfriend, partner, or husband early on. And depending on the answer, decide what will be the next step.

      Have a lovely week 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  1. in my experience, i was upfront with her about NOT having children and she told me she was fine with that as we wanted to do things and not be held back with a child. yes we didnt feel we could share a life with children. or that was what i thought and lead to believe. then i found out she stopped taking the pill. that ended the marriage.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your commentary is the real reflection of how telling the truth and what we truly feel, need, and want from the very beginning will avoid heartbreak in the long run.
      Maybe, in the beginning, she was happy with the idea of not having kids because she loved you, but then she changed her mind and thought that maybe with a pregnancy, you would change yours, which is wrong.

      Go with the flow or accommodate our partner’s needs and desires while secretly wishing other reality will never lead to a good journey.

      Thank you for sharing your commentary!

      Have a lovely week 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Olá Ricardo,

      obrigada pelo teu comentário!

      Sim, são de facto temas difíceis e sensíveis que necessitam ser discutidos. Vejo por aí muito boa gente, mulheres e homens, a colocarem os sonhos de ter uma familia em suspenso à espera de que a pessoa com quem estão acorde para a vida. Devemos dar ao outro a oportunidade de se expressar mas, acima de tudo, de nos dizer a verdade mesmo que doa para que possamos seguir em frente.

      O primeiro relacionamento que tive terminou porque a pessoa em questão teve a infame ideia de me dizer que ter filhos não é como ir ao supermercado. Estive com ele cerca de seis anos, que considero tempo demais quando olho para trás.

      Infelizmente, por razões que talvez um dia possamos compreender, as pessoas consideradas determinadas e que sabem exactamente o que querem são uma afronta. São consideradas difíceis e muito exigentes.

      Podia dizer tanto sobre isto. Porém a mensagem principal que quis passar é de que independentemente de como ou quando, se temos a real vontade de ser mãe, devemos lutar por isso sem medos. E se tivermos de ser mães sozinhas, que o sejamos com a plena consciência e responsabilidade de que o somos para o resto da vida e não porque é giro ter bebés! Os bebés crescem e fazem-se homens e mulheres.

      Um forte abraço! 🙂

      Gostar

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