I know it might sound strange and counterintuitive, but unless you were dealing with one abusive or toxic individual, the reality is I don’t want you to blame your ex when the breakup happens. Here are the reasons why:
Unfortunately, when it comes to human psychology and the depth understanding of how the human brain works, we don’t have that much access to a scientific explanation that can support us in times of need or emotional pain, such as a breakup. Unless you work in this area, or you have the curiosity to explore other subjects, the reality is a large percentage of the population doesn’t understand the internal mechanism of how people behave. Therefore, it is essential the understanding how our subconscious programming/subconscious mind and even our attachment style play a vital role in the failure or success of our relationships. How can we achieve this? Introducing emotional education in schools and creating places where the population can have free access to this knowledge.
We perceive love, how to give and receive love, from a very young age through our caregivers. As I mentioned here more than once, during your dating life, the probability to date someone with attachment injury or with subconscious programming that makes them perceive intimate relationships as a threat is high. And this is why I don’t want you to blame your ex when a breakup occurs. Instead, I invite you to look at the situation and look at yourself and ask these questions:
- Was I sure that I wanted a real commitment from the very beginning?
- Did I communicate my needs correctly? And did I allowed myself to be who I am, instead of what they were expecting me to be?
- Why I stayed too long in this relationship when I already knew the other person wasn’t meeting my emotional/relationship needs?
- Am I the kind of man or woman who is resilient and wants to work things out before giving up altogether?
- Do I see the value of the people I chose to be with, but they don’t?
- Do I evaluate the relationship to proceed with the necessary adjustments?
- What is an intimate relationship for me?
A lot of men and women were taught from a very young age by life and even by people around them that they could only count on themselves to self soothe and get their emotional needs met. Also, they see an intimate relationship as a trap or a way to lose autonomy. In the paper, they know what a relationship needs to progress, but exists an inherent inability to allow intimate relationships to flourish and tend to end them too soon, mostly when the inebriant honeymoon hormonal cocktail is fading away.
The habitual problems in intimate relationships that are necessary to help the couple grow are view as a clear sign that the relationship won’t work out, and it is easier to find someone new.
We aren’t talking about mean people, but about people that had to survive. We are talking about individuals that even if they claim they had a happy childhood, can’t recall specific episodes to testify it, suppressing memories to protect the self and maintain the image of perfection. Why relationships are a threat to them, even they want it so badly? Because real love is unfamiliar territory, and yes, they will leave because they love you. Because, in reality, they don’t see themselves worthy of the love you have to offer them.
So please, if you can, don’t blame your ex. Instead, allow this experience to become a necessary lesson that you will use in your dating life in the future, not only to understand right away with whom you are dealing but also to promote within yourself the light that the right soul for you wants to see.
Now I invite you to view the videos below and search for more information on this youtube channel. Thais have been doing a great job of promoting the understanding of the attachment styles and how it impacts our relationships.
Remember that when it comes to humans, we have to look beyond their actions, and even if we chose not to have them in our lives, at least we can continue our journey with a smile believing we did our best.
Wishing you love,
Alexandra
Ouso Escrever 
I loved this article and thanks for sharing these videos. The first time i read about these attachment styles, my perspective on relationships changed and started approaching them with compassion.
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Thank you for your feedback about this article and the topic. I have to say that the attachment theory was created at the end of the ’50s of twenty century by John Bowlby, and then developed by other psychologists. For many years it remained hidden from the population, I would say, but now with all this breakup’s epidemic and people seeking faster/superficial connections seems like the theory is gaining more visibility.
We should understand the archetypes of attachment theory and how we bond with people, not to change others, but to see what we are attracting and what we need to heal within ourselves to have future fulfilled relationships. I would say it is critical for women who are in their middle 30’s and single to look at all this and redesign a new path for dating. The probability to date an avoidant partner is high, but some can change. Everyone can change if they want to.
Have a lovely day 🙂
GostarLiked by 2 people