My readers, the present article will be the last I will write this year. For that reason, it will be my personal review of the year 2020, which was for many a confusing year, but for me, a rebirth from the ashes.
I start with a Tedeschi & Calhoun reference:
“Post-traumatic growth refers to deriving meaning from highly stressful experiences that lead to positive changes in views of self, the world, and/or relationships (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 2004).“
The Professional Field: The power of letting go and accept that we can only change or fix what’s under our control.
For ten years of my life, I worked in the agriculture field. Firstly as a raspberry producer, and then the last five years as an agricultural manager of my family’s business. As a young woman and with a different way of thinking, because I believe farming is a thriving business in the right hands, I changed production methods betting on low-cost production with high yield crops. Redirected the company to produce winter seed crops such as barley and wheat. But I had a serious problem in my hands to resolve: 1. Stop capital flight and 2. keep my father out the business.
Needless to say, I found diverse obstacles as a way of sabotaging my work, denigrating my image, and also pass me a certificate of incompetence. Here I want to emphasize that sabotaging someone’s work, be it a woman or a man, isn’t an illusion or a movie scene. In reality, malicious envy is a destructive interpersonal emotion that motivates others to harm the person they envy by sabotaging them and pulling them down. And such a feeling can come from members of your family, friends, and co-workers.
Envy being poisonous is axiomatic in most cultures and is present in many movie scripts or stories that we tell our children before they go to sleep. Kant described very well envy, as the tendency to perceive with displeasure the good of others, promoting not only the acquisition of the possession of another but also a pleasure response from seeing that person torn down.
The constant judicial demands to fix other mistakes, the hard work on the fields, and the higher levels of stress all the time started to undermine my health conditions. And stress is one of the biggest causes of hormonal imbalances in women, having a profound effect on your body and brain. I never felt anxiety in my entire life, and I was so, so anxious and hyperactive all the time as a way to respond to stressful events.
I decided to leave the business at the end of 2019 and look and take care of myself, delegating responsibility to the root of this whole situation, my father. It was time for him to stop running away and assume the consequences of his acts, which he practiced for over 20 years.
I didn’t give up on anything. I just decided to use my oxygen and stop giving it to other people or situations who aren’t at my vibrational and belief level. It’s what I call self-respect, discipline, and self-prioritizing my needs above anything or anyone.
But there was one thing left to be done, rescue my tractor after delivered it in May of this year to pay a bill, which I was never allowed to negotiate. They wanted the tractor, my father was talking with them all the time, and I was the weakest figure, they thought!
In October, my birthday month, Alexandra, in her red high heels, demanded the return of the tractor because the bill was paid. And in high heels, I drove the tractor back home.
The experience that I take from these ten years is that I did my best. I was alone all the time, only with the help of my brother. But through my intelligence and emotional resilience, I could, and I will always bounce back from adversity.
The Power of Attachment: Personal Growth and Love.
As many of you know, I’m not the kind of woman who runs away from hardships or shies away from intimacy. I had a healthy childhood, and yes, I had a traumatic experience in teenagerhood when I discovered that I wouldn’t be able to conceive a child naturally. And the need to have surgery to unblock my vaginal channel (Müllerian agenesis). However, I think that was the first momentum where life taught me of what material am I made. I came from a very long journey of self-discovering, emotional awareness, empowerment, and attunement. I perceive intimacy as a gift, and no, we don’t need to try many people to decide who is the right person for us because the right person is the one who will work with you and hold your hands no matter what.
And just a few people are worthy of knowing intimate details of your life. You share your story with people who earn the right to hear your story. And they respond to you with empathy, not sympathy. Leading to the question, am I in a relationship with someone who can bear the story?
Typical responses of sympathy: “Oh, your poor thing!”; “God bless your heart!”. Stay away from these people as much as you can for your emotional safety.
For two years, I had a relationship with a man from another country. And the very first time I saw him in Lisbon everyone, and everything faded away. It was just him and me. The first holding hands, the first hug, it was a pure moment in gold embroidery that I will save forever in my heart.
Aren’t real relationships made of memories, also?
Now that I look back and after our breakup, the main problem of our relationship wasn’t our dynamic itself, but the interference of other people that constantly reaffirmed his internal fears and subconscious programming.
The fear of abandonment, the fear of not being good enough for me, or that I had something wrong and wanted to use him for personal reasons. How would he feel as a man and my boyfriend if my family and friends would keep telling him that I was only infatuated, confused, and didn’t love him? What kind of woman or girlfriend would I be to let this happen and let others bother him with bullshit?
I saw him, and I understood where he was coming. He is someone who needs emotional security, nurturance, and consistency, even if he has afraid of it. He hates being exposed because it can allow other people to shame him. His emotional defenses and old relating paradigms inhibit his authentic self from flourish. When he is safe, he expresses his nurturing side, which is special and genuine. But he is also a multi-talented and creative guy. He was building a guitar, which I hope he finishes.
We were equals, no pedestal for anyone, and that’s sexy, as it is sexy to wear beautiful and blowing away dresses because I have the body, the height, and the confidence to do so. Never try to control or put a bird in the cage. That sort of action will only backfire, at least with me.
When the breakup occurred, I knew for him to be the one doing the abandoning/ending things was important as a way to control the situation, feel safe, and be protected, releasing himself from the uncomfortable anxiety that he was feeling at the moment. The non-verbal communication was: The emotions it brings with it are too much to deal with, and I have no idea how to stay present with them because I think they can or might hurt very badly. So, I am going to avoid them and leave you.”
The pain I felt was the same when my grandfather passed away because both will be forever two important men in my life. And this is the reason why I gave him the gold heart that my grandfather gave me when I was a baby.
I didn’t fail as a woman or girlfriend. But yes, unsolicited behaviors and opinions overtime started to upset me in real ways, making me feel that my privacy and intimacy were being violated. As I explained to him many times, we should put people in their places when they cross the lines, even if it seems inoffensive or funny. So I accepted his decision to end the relationship without agreeing to it, and I decided to disappear not to play stupid games, but to heal my wounds and find emotional balance.
Attachment teaches us in real ways that when someone tells you that you should move on after a breakup. 1. They don’t understand that the detachment process takes time, involves your endocrine system, your brain, and grieving. 2. They don’t respect or acknowledge that your pain is real, and you feel it in your body.
After all this, I finished my master’s degree, which was on pause since 2008. I am taking a second master’s degree right now in a field that I am passionate about and which will give me direct access to the Ph.D. because I deserve and the timing is right. Yes, I am physically and emotionally different.
Am I dating? – The question that I hear over and over again. The answer is no, and I don’t want to. I’m too happy and busy being wild and free (hahaha). So dear men, please, at the moment, I’m not accepting CVs from candidates for the boyfriend/partner role.
When you had a serious relationship with another person (attachment), including meeting and staying in his/her parent’s house or thinking about having a family, build a home and life together with that person. The process of letting go takes time (detachment), and the more you are in contact with your real self and real emotions. The more you understand that love in healthy adult relationships is conditional, and for that reason, after a loss, recalibration and emotional rebirth is necessary.
Seeking to leave as a way to relieve discomfort is seen by many individuals and couples as the only option, but stay and work through the terrible pain, patterns, and unconscious programming is the best rewarding experience.
Although no one tells us that, sometimes, a relationship has to die in the form that it is in to be born into a brand new structure. We shouldn’t be defeat by hardships but allow ourselves to grow with them. We shouldn’t allow other voices to blind us emotionally to our partner’s needs, and we should avoid the need to escape but instead go inwards the relationship and compromise to find a solution. And please, don’t lose good people in your life because of fear. Toxicity should be erased from our lives even if it seems a familiar dynamic. Good people should be preserved because they will teach how to grow and will look within you without judgment or second intentions.
To conclude, the only thing that will be left after a nuclear holocaust is Alexandra and cockroaches. So now, give me a break because I have been an incredible Diva for thirty-six freaking years.
Wishing you a wonderful Christmas and a delicious new year 2021.