Now that we are approaching another valentine’s day, it is urgent and critical to say that our society is losing touch with the real art of dating.
Text messages and date someone through the screen of our phones has become the norm. But is this dating?
Besides the possibilities to meet new people through dating apps and social media, the reality is that nothing is a substitute for human contact, only that way you build a relationship and intimate connection. Of course, for individuals who have avoidant or fearful-avoidant attachment styles, online connections offer the safety of not having someone around to take care of or meet their needs. More often than not, you might see someone with an avoidant attachment style experiencing high levels of infatuation and arousal over someone who lives away or in another country because of the distance. They need to experience difficulties or obstacles to feed their internal programming that relationships might never work out for them. And it is hard to trust someone.
The way we date today is detrimental to our mental health by constantly igniting the flight and fight response or by feeding mixed messages and dynamics. Consistency and kindness are perceived as boring traits, but the rapid and magic romance model is seen as the golden diamond of the dating crown.
Today, I would like to call your attention to two situations that you should recognize, never ignore and avoid: “The Maybe Box” and “The Flaky Behavior“.
“The maybe box”: Happens when someone isn’t sure about you, is seeing other people, but don’t want to lose you in his or her’s life. They like you but not enough to have a relationship with you. In such a situation, you should evacuate yourself from the dynamic and move on by cleaning the space and allowing someone new to come in.
“The flaky behavior”: They make plans with you and cancel last minute, more than once? It is a pattern that you will see him or her repeating, giving you the right to end the interactions or relational dynamics.
Both situations aren’t for you. Because if you want to connect for real with others, you know what you want, your standards versus boundaries. Allowing these behaviors to happen and giving them justifications, you are only abandoning and disrespecting yourself.
What I want you to do?
I want you to have and cultivate within yourself DISCERNMENT.
Discernment isn’t only a critical skill these days. But it is also the tool that you need to navigate in peace the modern dating (confusing) world and find your tribe, your match.
Never allow anyone to call you: Too Sensitive, too dramatic, resentful, sour because you expressed your discomfort and needs. It is your duty to use your voice, find your place by never allowing toxic behavior to disturb your brain, your values, and beliefs.
Use your discernment to find and chose someone who will never see or feel your goodness and strength as a threat.
Runaway from individuals who define themselves as “picky” because, in other words, what they are telling you is that they don’t possess the necessary skills to build a relationship with time and pace.
Permit yourself to get to know someone with time, without rushing into the idea of “I found my soulmate.”. Remember that trust is something that people should earn.
Remember that discernment is equal or synonym of holding out for quality.
To conclude the article, I would love to invite you to reflect on this: Who am I, and with whom do I want to connect? Is shallowness for me? Do I fear being alone?
We don’t need games, we need real connections!
Wishing you a lovely weekend!