Today’s article is about one of the most controversial topics in our society, the relationship between a narcissistic mother and her son, how it will affect a boy’s emotional development and ability to maintain healthy relationships with other people, including future female partners. This article will also be part, partially, of my Master’s thesis next year because the scientific work that I am already writing is about emotional abuse and how it impacts our daily lives.

I hope the knowledge that I will expose here can help as many men as possible. To get out of toxic relationships and also breaks bonds that prevent them from experience life truly. And freely.

As I mentioned in previous articles, I don’t want you to use this information to call people out. But for self-protection and education, instrumentalizing yourself with the necessary tools to navigate and set free from toxic drama finding peace with you and others. Narcissism is real, one real form of abuse, which can leave you scars for the rest of your life. Also, once again should be mentioned that just because someone is a narcissist. That doesn’t mean he or she has NPD (Narcissistic personality disorder).

Now, think about this quote:

A Healthy World would Start with a Healthy Mother.

then,

What is the role of a healthy mother?

Parenting behaviors have been identified as one of the key mechanisms through which parents directly influence children’s development and wellbeing. For this reason, a healthy mother will teach and raise us to face the world. She is warm, nurturing, but will also set the necessary boundaries for our development, letting us know what is ok to accept or not from others. She might not be perfect at times, but she intuitively knows that a child is not her property but rather an independent individual.

However, when we are talking about a narcissistic mother, the situation is different. Talking about narcissistic mothers is the synonym of neglect, enmeshment, idealization, and criticism. Triangulation, seduction, envy, control, shame, because she wants to be the center of her’s son life, using him as a source of validation to fulfill her’s unrealistic needs for high regard and admiration.

What is the damage a narcissistic mother can do to her son?

Be you the son of a narcissistic father or mother. You never felt loved for who you are but instead for everything you could provide to your parents, but talking about men who are sons of narcissistic mothers. You learned to silence your needs, feelings and wants by accommodating only the wishes of your mother. Whose handicap (silence) became a nightmare in your adulthood relationships. Perhaps you self-sacrificed your boundaries feeling now resentful towards every woman, thinking they will use you as your mother did.

In reality, perhaps you heard from your mother that women are out there to use you. Or they only want your money. Like it or not, this constant talking is now print in the subconscious/unconscious mind leading you to self-prophecies by sabotaging even healthy relationships or pushing away women who love you as you deserve.

Son’s of narcissistic mothers feel unsafe to express their feelings. Therefore having been manipulated, emotionally abandoned will avoid intimacy (something that he wants the most), prompting his partner to demand more closeness which will escalate his apprehension and emotional barriers.

Some sons of narcissistic mothers may develop or become narcissists themselves. Others might become people pleasers. Or repeat their maternal relationship with women who are demanding, controlling, and abusive. He might partner with older women, addicts, or narcissists because this way will be able to feel the same intoxicating familiarity of his mother’s bond, ending relationships with a healthy woman out of nowhere just because his mother is unhappy with his choice. A healthy woman will be a threat to his mother and a competition source that she wants to avoid.

How can a man who is the son of a narcissistic mother heal?

  1. Recognizing that he is worthy of love.
  2. Learning how to set boundaries and protect his intimate relationships from external attacks and nosy people. 
  3. Learning how to prioritize his partner and protect her.
  4. Protecting his mind and rewrite a new paradigm about intimacy and relationships.
  5. Accepting that narcissism exists and now that he is an adult, he has the power to say no and decline what goes against his core values. 
  6. Rebuilding his self-esteem by also accepting that there are in the world good women who will love him for who he is. 
  7. Knowing that if his mother doesn’t accept his partner, that’s her problem. 
  8. Love is giving and receiving.
  9. He is an individual and deserves to feel safe.
  10. Seeking professional help without feeling shame. Because at the end of the day, he is a human needing help. 

Now, to conclude, I am leaving some words of love for these men. As a woman and teacher, I understand how much society and roles teach us not to express ourselves adequately. This reality is harsh for men being our duty to change this reality as soon as possible.

Men are also targets of abusive environments, more than we know. And today, I brought to the table one of the reasons and one of the situations that we should be aware of as the more we teach, the more reality will change.

You don’t need to suffer in silence. You can trust people, but you have to pay attention to people’s red flags by setting boundaries. Real boundaries. Allow yourself to heal by seeking professional help with a psychologist trained in narcissistic abuse because, with time, someone healthy and stable will appear in your life.

It will be hard but will be worthy as you deserve it!

With love,

Alexandra

DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE.

References:

Adams, K.A. (2011). Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners.Deerfield, Fl: Health Communications Inc.

Adams, K.M. (2007) When He’s Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment. New York: Fireside.

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