There is plenty of information and disinformation about narcissism, but when it comes to information about how it affects others, scarcity is relevant. Narcissistic people use others as objects, and their children, sons or daughters, are no exception.
As I explained in the previous article, sons, and daughters of narcissistic parents were never seen. They were tools used for validation and taught that love is conditional, no matter what they provide. So to feel, at least safe, they should rely only on themselves facing a lifetime of self-doubt and anxieties, struggling to feel loved.
Educators, parents, and society should understand that no children deserve to experience the burden of being the receiving ending of frustration and emotional demands from adults. In reality, children are born free, which down the road, requires parents and an educational system in tune with their emotional – developmental needs.
Can narcissistic or emotionally unavailable parents provide it? No! Cases of depression, chronic anxiety, substance abuse, and emotional instability (development of attachment issues such as avoidant, fearful-avoidant, and anxious) among men and women are related to difficult upbringing, even though they tend to describe it as idyllic.
When reaching adulthood, and need to bond with other people. Men who have narcissistic mothers or fathers will face great difficulties with emotional intimacies even if the wounds are likely layered and not always easy to spot. It will affect the quality and prosperity of intimate relationships. Sexual dysfunctioning, womanizing behavior, or eroticized rage is very common.
A narcissistic relationship is equal to a psychological possession, and women who love men with narcissistic mothers should know that at some level, the man they love belongs to his mother.
If you are a woman who loves a man with a narcissistic parent, here’s what you should expect:
- Your boyfriend or husband might feel guilty and obligated because he has to choose between you and his mother all the time.
- You might feel like you are the other woman, mostly when he doesn’t protect you or stand by your side.
- He is overly insecure, struggles with self-esteem, and is extremely sensitive to invalidation or criticism.
- He Suffers from toxic loyalty binds towards his mother and family of origin, which is detrimental to the new forging bonds.
- Overly concerned about appearances and impression management.
- Because he was manipulated and emotionally abandoned by his mother or other narcissistic parent, he fears being engulfed and controlled by you. This engulfment and controlling fear may make him decline your sexual advances or have sex just when he wants and needs.
- He might see or perceive oral sex as the swallow of the self. Losing an erection or not wanting it at all.
- He is a high-achiever person, self-sabotager, or both.
- You might feel that you are walking on eggshells and constantly editing how you think/talk because he might not fully understand your feelings.
- You see and sense that your boyfriend or partner has no clear boundaries letting others cross the line more often than not, resulting if you call it out, you are the one who is wrong and the one to blame.
- There is in the air the feeling that, sooner or later, you will be discarded for no apparent reasonable reason. Your body might notice and give you all the signs such as digestive issues and hormonal changes, trouble with memories and speech, muscle tightness, and gut reactions.
- The existence of a hidden agenda is always on the table, and you will notice it. The hidden agenda can be getting married. Or have a child as a form to please the family and receive their validation.
- Your love will never be enough looking unfamiliar, and your kindness seems unnatural to your boyfriend, partner, or husband.
- It will be noticeable that the man you love can’t relax, always trying to find something else to make him or you busy.
More than look at the signs. Every woman in this sort of situation should ask herself if her’s emotional needs are being met and if the man she loves is aware of the whole situation willing to seek therapy to heal. Learn how to build healthy boundaries with other people. Learn how to say no or rebuilt a new versus stronger image of himself as a whole individual.
Some sons of narcissistic parents become narcissists themselves, and for this reason, they tend to feel good with the abusive dynamic, never seeking professional help to heal. But the price they pay is higher than any achievement because the inner loneliness and emotional void will always be present.
Sadly, the validation and perpetuation of this scenario leave a trail of emotionally broken individuals who are constantly searching for the “perfect one” or “the one” as a way to fulfill one void. When, in truth, diving deep into hidden traumatic events with the guidance of a good therapist or trained professional in narcissistic abuse. Would solve, heal, and set free these men from pain while reprogramming their subconscious paradigms and old painful stories around intimacy, women, and love.
Never remain in situations if it can damage your core values and worthiness. Love is a school where you have to be brutally honest ready to give and receive lessons because only this way will growth happen.
Adams, K.A. (2011). Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners.Deerfield, Fl: Health Communications Inc.
Adams, K.M. (2007) When He’s Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment. New York: Fireside.