As I wrote in the past, breakups are difficult. I’ve been there. You have been there too. But if to some getting over someone or the end of an intimate relationship is relatively easy. For others, it may take years or never fully recover from it.

When a relationship ends, one of the most tumultuous aspects of the loss is that you think you are doing fine, but then, out of a sudden, feelings of confusion, disgust, fear, anger, and pain start to daunt your mind. It doesn’t matter if you were in a turbulent relationship or not. When the breakup occurs and if you didn’t have the necessary closure of that chapter. If you didn’t give yourself the real explanation you needed, sooner or later, all the unresolved feelings will resurface.

Why? Because something, someone, or your subconscious scripts (from past experiences and childhood) are triggering your brain to ask for resolution. And this is why I am a true advocate that women and even men should ask for professional guidance if the loss was heavy and impactful to emotional well-being.

Every relationship is impactful to our brains and neurons’ functioning. Now, imagine that you were in a relationship where your needs aren’t being met. Do you have an idea of how this is detrimental to your brain? How addictive can it be because you were there all the time trying to get “oxygen” to save the relationship and to be seen? Even if the relationship ended because it had to end. It is incredibly disorienting to go from a state where you have the stimulus of having someone to not having it anymore.

Now that everything is over, and even if you had enough time to recognize that you are better without that relationship. Your brain is still figuring out how to decrease all the stimulation it had become used to like you were weaning from psychotropic substances.

Everything that you experienced or are still experiencing is normal and ok to feel, instead of blaming yourself and try to rescue the blissful moments portraiting your ex as the one. Remember who you are and where you want to be. Remember that you have control over your emotions, and your worthiness doesn’t depend on how your ex feels about you. I’m also talking about self-knowledge and self-compassion.

Just know that you’re not alone. And here are some things to avoid in the future: 

  1. Be careful with things such as “the one” or “soul mates”;
  2. It doesn’t matter if you are 32 or 52. Give yourself the peace you deserve because your person is somewhere. But first, you have to be your person.
  3. Unfortunately, relationships can end because they can’t love you as you deserve or respond to it at your level.
  4. Take charge of your emotions, and don’t afraid to be upfront about your needs and desires. 
  5. Feeling alone is okay.
  6. Be gentle with yourself and remember that time isn’t a good indicator in your grieving process, but how you feel is. 
  7. Take responsibility for your healing process because the onus is on you to revolve remaining anxiety, frustration, and fear. 

Remember, WE HAVE TO FEEL TO HEAL! And your brain can be your best friend or your worst enemy!

With love,

Alexandra

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