Even though this might sound like an advertising quote, for men or even women in the dating realm is important they stop making assumptions about somebody else behavior. Getting real about your needs and wantings within an intimate relationship is the first step or key to move forward in the direction you want to be. Because the truth is knowing core needs or the requirements to feel safe in a relationship or by yourself isn’t only attractive. It will work as a selective process between who deserves to stay in your life from who doesn’t.
Here are some of the signs that he might not be your guy:
- He just ended a relationship or marriage. Even though he might tell you that he is just fine, remember that some men and even women are masters at suppressing their emotions. When someone comes out from a relationship, and if that relationship didn’t meet their most emotional or physical needs, they are thirsty for connection or validation without forgetting that everyone needs to go through the relationship grieving process.
- He can’t handle your vulnerable moments. Be careful with the type of information you are sharing, but be sure to use it as a way not to test (don’t test men), but to see if he can handle your vulnerabilities and support you. By this, I mean I don’t want you to vomit your life, but I want you to bond for real, and bonding happens when you share the most vulnerable parts of yourself. If the guy withdraws, he is not your guy.
- He is in a relationship with somebody else. It doesn’t matter if the chemistry is intense, nor that he tells you that he will leave the relationship he is already in. If he is already with someone, he is not your guy!
- He is hot and cold. Perhaps, in the beginning, it was super intense, and then after a while, he started to pulling away. When a man acts hot and cold in a relationship, he is ambivalent, showing clearly that, at least with you, he is not ready to have a meaningful connection. He is not your guy!
- He disconnects after having sex. If a man disconnects from you after having sex, he is not your guy and gave all the signs before getting involved with you. But, I want to point out something important here. Men after sex biologically are wired to disconnect. Although it seems ejaculation doesn’t influence testosterone levels, prolactin, and dopamine influence how men behave after sex. When he is pursuing, if you don’t build with that man a mental connection, when the orgasm is consummate, providing feelings of satiation and sexual gratification, he may pull away and not come back. Why? While pursuing and getting to know you, his dopamine levels are high because you are a fantasy, the drug that he wants to consume. Therefore the orgasm with you activates reward pathways in his brain (produce a similar experience of addiction and withdrawal), with dopamine dropping below baseline because of prolactin (satiation and sexual gratification hormone) production shooting up. (Kruger et al., 2003). So he may lose attraction temporarily but feel attracted to other women because the biological cycle begins again. During this period, you shouldn’t chase a man but let him go and live your life. If he does not come back, don’t blame him or yourself. He was not your guy!
- He is still building his living purpose. Maybe he just finished university, changed or lost his job, or didn’t found his ground yet. Either case, a man in these scenarios isn’t ready to settle down, even though he might enjoy your company or want to connect. Once again, men are wired to provide and protect, and this is intimately correlated with having a successful career or at least stable enough to receive you in his life.
- He isn’t individualized from his family. If a man doesn’t have boundaries from his family’s opinions and can’t stand next to you, he is not your guy and will be a painful experience. Our family opinion is important, but how far is it reasonable? Do you want to go through it knowing that perhaps having his support will happen on rare occasions? Or people outside and their opinions will always have too much impact on your relationship?
To conclude this article, I don’t want you to blame men for their actions or yourself for choosing what some might consider wrong for you. Instead, I suggest emotional education, self-discovering, and the understanding that life is always moving forward. Life gives all of us, the ones who want to accept it, the opportunity to upgrade our beliefs and behaviors as a way to live accordingly to our authentic selves.
Women need to feel safe and protect by the men in their lives. However, they should let the right guy come in, and most of the time, that guy isn’t the one who gives stomach butterflies the right way.
Take good care of yourself!
Kruger, T. H., Haake, P., Chereath, D., Knapp, W., Janssen, O. E., Exton, M. S., … & Hartmann, U. (2003). Specificity of the neuroendocrine response to orgasm during sexual arousal in men. Journal of Endocrinology, 177(1), 57-64.