Although our children spend, nowadays, so much more time at childcare centers and schools, it is impossible to diminish the importance of having stable parents and households to thrive correctly to become emotionally mature.
According to research and experience of life, I can say that the prevalence of raising children with insecure attachment styles is quite high, even if you don’t mean it to happen.
Why? The answer is simple.
Parents should be emotional regulators and the prefrontal cortex of their children. Children’s prefrontal cortex will only develop between the age of 5 and 8, where you will see a major improvement in working memory, planning, selective attention, and inhibition.
Now, I believe that you also comprehend why having a good teacher at primary school will be a good ally and complement to the education provided to your children. However, sadly education system fails in this aspect when there is no regulation to see if teachers are emotionally capable of teaching or assist children and their necessities.
Returning to the subject families and attachment styles, if children prefrontal cortex starts developing after only the age of five and the parent fails to understand children’s needs and doesn’t soothe them correctly. Children will develop an insecure attachment style which will be avoidant or anxious or a mixture of both.
Children and future adults with avoidant attachment styles learned early on that they could only count on themselves. They are the kind of children who play the all-day alone in the bedroom and are apparently very independent. On the other side of the spectrum, children with an anxious attachment style require a lot of assurance and the certainty that they won’t be left alone or abandoned.
However, in different ways, both children seek love and protection from their parents or caregivers, reproducing unhealthy coping mechanisms to attain it.
When these children grow up and are adults, their relationships will be chaotic.
Avoidant individuals are moody and achievers. But also Too much rigid, possessing a higher tendency to run away from conflict letting things unresolved. Prone to fantasies while in relationships. They might miss or have a difficult time seeing the beautiful person in front of them while secretly thinking there might be someone better around the corner. Their fear of emotional engulfment and major commitments might make them run away from their partners, who will be left in profound mental confusion and heartbreak.
Avoidant individuals are very charming in the early stages of dating because of the hormonal cocktail running in their brains. But as soon this phase starts to fade away, the inconsistent behavior, the negative moods, and distrust treatment will begin because of FEAR and SHAME.
Finally, when it comes to anxious children in adulthood. They will test relationships and their partners most of the time because of abandonment fears. However, and this should be said, in most cases, they are phenomenal caregivers and very attune with other’s needs. The only problem is they neglect themselves and put others easily on the pedestal.
These attachment styles are easily drawn to each other in intimate relationships but without attunement and understanding. They might fail when the relationship power struggle stage takes place. Even if the relationship lasts, cheating might happen because they both need love in different ways. The dismissive partner loves through distance and the anxious partners through proximity.
Although insecure attachment styles can change, the reality is this can be avoided if we provide our children emotional support and attunement. More than spoil children with unnecessary presents or superficial conversations (asking if they have boyfriends and girlfriends). We must explain and guide them throughout life because our role as parents is never complete.
When your child is crying in the supermarket because he or she wants something, instead of denying his or her’s suffering, get down to his or her’s level calmly explaining that we might see many things in life, but we need only a few. If your baby is crying, don’t ignore it, don’t try to shut up the annoying crying, embrace and soothe the baby.
Also, teach your children the old ways to play with toys, permitting them to be free with responsibility. Children are born to be who they want to be, not to suppress parents demanding expectations.
The way you interact with them from a young age will be how they will interact with others in the future. So be wise, be present, with the understanding that you are responsible for the impact your children will have in the world and somebody else’s lives.
With love,
Alexandra
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