As far as my disposition and living style, I am a proponent that clear communication and fully showing up in all situations in life is the key to better relationships and healthy societal dynamics.
The vast majority of our population don’t spend much on reflection (reflection is different from rumination) or self-improvement, seeking self-knowledge to learn new communicative skills, or how earlier experiences affect the present moment. With knowledge, we can change. Everyone can change, and that change begins with setting healthy boundaries and how to say no.
Regardless of our culture or country of origin, cordiality and excuses are make-up to hide or camouflage conflicts. Why can it amplify communicational and relational issues?
Every human being possesses a different type of personality, and personality is genetic. Individuals who have a more assertive personality will come across as arrogant or aggressive, mostly if others around them are passive and don’t speak their truth.
In reality, cordiality as a social norm is a sort of passive-aggressive behavior that inhibits someone speaks their truth, and worst, allows people to get away with “bad” actions. Because if you warn them out, you are an aggressive bastard.
As I mentioned before, your personality is biological and genetic. So when you are born, you come into this world with a typical way of thinking, acting, and feeling. Of course, this can suffer some changes because of environment and experiences, but the foundation, the genesis stills there and is immutable. It also explains the attraction. Men, for example, are attracted to women with strong personalities, believe it or not, even if at the end of the day, because of social norms, they “chose” a more “suitable” persona.
When we say yes to things that we want to say no, we are submerging ourselves in lakes where, at first sight, inoffensive fishes would do no warm. But, in reality, the accumulation of yes’s that are no’s will turn little fishes into sharks. Stress is a shark and can kill. Continuous exposure to stress is one of the main causes of Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, anxiety disorders, and heart disease.
Let’s think about suicide. What is suicide if not the last door to escape painful realities? Suicide is a global problem, but what are the causes? Societal blueprints are one of them. The blueprint that everyone should be this or that way. They should get married, buy a house, have kids, and a job to sustain all of it.
The blueprint that man should toughen up and not cry (yes, society “wants” men to open up but not too much. Isn’t ready to fully listen to them). Suicide is the major global cause of death between the ages of 15 to 29. Did you know that new generations compared to previous ones are having less sex and intimacy satisfaction? Why? Should I ask!
It is important to say NO and express your wants without shame. When you say no, you are holding yourself and not perpetuating unnecessary behavior from others. To say no, try to answer the following questions as an exercise of reflection and self-conscientization:
- This request or situation is hurting my core beliefs?
- This request, situation, or person is tearing me apart from my living purpose?
- Is this person abusing my goodwill?
- Do I want to do this or be somewhere else?
The purpose of learning how and to say NO is the synonym of stopping yourself from putting the value of your life in the hands of people with doormat brains. Judgment doesn’t exist per se. Because someone who doesn’t know who he or she is is incapable of judging others. Think about this when you are ruminating about what others think about you.
Use the word No with consciousness and compassion. Remembering that if down the road someone leaves, that’s the selection process, not a loss. Be also thankful for the ones who gave new insight to your life, but also for their combative personalities. These combative people are necessary to eradicate emotional vampirism and abuse.
SAYING NO IS A GESTURE OF SELF-CARE!