According to Oxford English Dictionary, communication is “the transmission or exchange of information, knowledge, or ideas, by means of speech, writing, mechanical or electronic media”.
Humans tend to express their emotions and who they are through their acts and words. Most of the time, we combine these forces towards another human being or external situations and unexpectedly not in the most collaborative or healthy ways. I must enlighten here that as long as we are adults, and therefore, aware of our realities. Blame or shame ourselves for ineffective communication it is not the way to progress and heal our subconscious stories.
Every relationship, every situation in our lives, presents a gem that we should take and carry, the opportunity of self-discovering and enhancement.
Communication and trust are important ingredients in any relationship. Yet can be negatively affected or impacted by the effects of previous traumatic experiences.
What is trauma? Everyone at least once in their lives lived a traumatic experience, the neglect of an unattentive caregiver, the loss of a loved one or job, a difficult separation, or divorce. Sadly, most of us don’t pay attention to it, and some may remain in undiagnosed high functioning depression because of escapism tools to avoid emotions.
Ronad, Patali, and Patali (2018) define emotional and psychological trauma as “the after-effect of phenomenally upsetting occasions that smash your suspicion that all is well and good, influencing you to feel defenseless in a perilous world. Horrendous encounters frequently include a risk to life or security; However, any circumstance that abandons you feeling overpowered and disconnected can be awful, regardless of whether it doesn’t include physical mischief. […] The more scared and defenseless you feel, the more probable you are to be damaged.”
With this said. The book Nonviolent Communication a Language of Life by Doctor Marshall Rosenberg is an important tool to everyone who wants to heal and improve. Not only their relationships but also learn effective communicational skills.
As Rosenberg explains, in a world and culture in which silence cult is incited, judging individuals harshly for exposing their needs is our daily cup of tea. We often get scared and shocked when someone reveals parts of themselves essential to bond correctly with us (the real vulnerability). Everyone wants to possess the courage but is fearful of doing so.
Moralistic judgments, comparisons, denying responsibility for our attitudes, or using other forms of communicational avoidance such as stonewalling, criticism, or self-blame with projection onto others are pivotal examples that destroy human relations.
Emotions are amazing guidelines to understand if we are telling ourselves painful stories or if we have at the same time unmet needs. One biggest mistake we often make in our interactions is to express our needs indirectly through the usage of evaluations, interpretations, and images leading others to hear/feel it as criticism, emerging then self-defensive mechanisms or counterattack strategies. No one wins. Everybody loses.
As Rosenberg explains (2005), the more people hear blame and judgment, the more defensive and aggressive they become and the less they will care about our needs in the future (Rosenberg, 2005, p. 148). This situation creates well-known and avoidable self-fulfilling prophecies experiences.
We must sit with our uncomfortable feelings and emotions, take a deep breath emphasizing with us and then with others. When we hear how others are feeling, we recognize that we all come from the same place, Humanity.
To conclude the article, our needs exist to the other person hear our pain, but usually, they don’t if they feel they are at fault. Take your time and learn how to translate it correctly. Translate the unmet needs into statements about you, about how you feel without mentioning the other person.
For more content, you can download the book here for free: https://classroommanagementcem.weebly.com/uploads/4/3/2/5/4325801/nvc_language_of_life_chapters_1-5.pdf
An Introduction to Nonviolent Communication:
Enjoy your weekend
Ronald, V, S., Patali, S, C., Patali, C, S. (2018). Ways to Overcome Emotional and Psychological Trauma in a Day Today Life. Curt Trends Biomedical Eng & Biosci, 17 (1), pp. 1-5.
Rosenberg, B, M. (2005) Nonviolent Communication: A language of life. A PuddleDancer Press. CA.