Is every relationship worthy of saving if both partners are willing to do the work? Myth or true? The general rule is 90% of intimate relationships are worth saving. But they tend to fail because, over time, human needs aren’t being met, attachment styles are getting in the way, and finally, a profound misinterpretation of each other love language. 

First of all, what are the six basic human needs?

  1. Love and connection
  2. Significance
  3. Variety
  4. Certainty
  5. Growth 
  6. Contribution

Secondly, what are the attachment styles in human beings?

  1. Secure attachment style 
  2. Dismissive Avoidant Attachment style
  3. Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style
  4. Fearful-avoidant attachment style

Thirdly, what are the love languages for humans?

  1. Acts of service
  2. Words of Affirmation
  3. Physical touch 
  4. Quality time
  5. Receiving gifts 

Now, let’s blend it all:

Dismissive avoidant: Afraid of losing autonomy; fear of intimacy; avoid emotional closeness and physical closeness (lack of sexual appetite); Very sensible to critics taking it personally. Core wounds: I’m defective; I will be abandoned because I’m not enough. Therefore I prefer being alone or push people away; Everyone will take advantage of me; chronic shame and anxiety.

Love language for Dismissive Avoidants: Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation. Why? Because through acts of service, they mean “I love you” without being too vulnerable. And words of affirmation because compliments and encouragement are essential for DA’s to feel safe.

The principal basic human needs to be fulfilled for dismissive avoidants individuals are Certainty and Significance. 

Why are Certainty and Significance for dismissive avoidants important human needs? The answer is simple. Dismissive avoidants individuals generally in childhood were emotionally and physically neglected by one parent or both. They learned from a young age only to rely on themselves and not to trust other people, not because they don’t want love or connection as anybody else, but because to trust and be fully seen is too frightening. For this reason, men or women with dismissive attachment styles tend to leave relationships prematurely and run away from the ones they truly love. 

So if you are in a relationship with a Dismissive avoidant person, remember that his or her’s love language is Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation, which interconnects with the human needs Certainty and Significance.

Remember, it takes one person to change the whole relationship dynamic. However, ask yourself first, after knowing all this information, if the relationship is worth saving and if the other person is open to work together with you, making sure that you are also meeting a large percentage of your most intrinsical needs.

Enjoy your weekend!

Alexandra

Image Source: Matrix Media

 

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7 comentários

  1. “Dismissive avoidants”… is what struck out to me, in this post of yours.

    Same with the quote, “… with dismissive attachment styles tend to leave relationships prematurely and run away from the ones they truly love.”

    It is what I struggle with, on a personal basis. A woman I love, gave my all to, yet because of her abusive and negligent familial structure, all she knows is the most negative aspects. She loves me, of course she does, and so I must reassure her of my feelings. Despite the challenges, the setbacks, nothing seems to stick to her as what I’ve proven of myself. For her, that is.

    I once heard, “Real men prove their love. Words are as empty as the air they’re spoken through.” Not to her grasp upon such words, since she will find that my words, my frustrations, speak louder than my actions.

    Sorry if that sounded personal. Though, as a poet, I’m not so reluctant to share what is personal, as written material. That part of your post resonated with me… so, it’s a good thing. 🙂

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    1. You are always welcome to share your thoughts here, and I thank you for that.

      John Bowlby and psychologists after him did a tremendous investigation about attachment styles that everyone should access, read and apply in their lives. It will help a lot dealing with ourselves and with others. I did it for personal reasons and because I am a teacher. However, we must remember that we can only love someone if they let us.

      Dismissive avoidant individuals tend to leave relationships prematurely because they somehow know there is something wrong. But instead of showing up and working things out, the escape is easier.

      Do they love? Oh yes, profoundly! And that’s why they have to run because they cannot tolerate once again being abandoned or rejected.

      Wishing you a wonderful weekend 🙂

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  4. The DA actually doesn’t participate in Words of Affirmation, doing so is the opposite of a Dismissive. They are most likely to participate in acts of service and physical touch. It’s easier for you them to express emotion through sex and can find a connection through sex as opposed to words of affirmation.

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