In our lives course, we will meet people who wanted to love us, but for whatever reason, they couldn’t.
– I wanna love you, but I don’t – a Ben’s Platt single is very similar to the quote – “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.“
The song itself describes well the internal struggle of someone who wants to love the person in front of their eyes, but for whatever reason, they can’t. Some might tell that the spark isn’t there, but what is spark anyway? Others might understand or see your love as a foreign language harsh to comprehend. Or perhaps they don’t have any reason because you are just everything they ever wanted.
“I think it sucks that you’re perfect
‘Cause you’re not perfect for me
And though you kill me with kindness
It ain’t the kind that I need
I know we look good on paper
Until you give us a read
‘Cause when we pull back the curtains
There ain’t a whole lot to see”
We are indoctrinated since a young age by movies, songs, and role models that love is an automatic response. That we must find the perfect person, the soulmate, “the one”, and everything will flow. We aren’t taught or teaching our children how to deal with frustration. Different points of view, general differences on how to approach daily life matters.
Sadly, the rule now is if there is a difference, then the other person isn’t the right fit for us.
We attract what we need to grow. Why would someone want to date or get married to someone similar? Some might do it and later regret it, but the general population seeks trait variety.
When strong attraction happens between two individuals, this means that together they bring the necessary conditions for growth and evolution. However, what happens down the road is one will get scared and pull away because of the other. Unresolved wounds, attachment styles, lack of communication skills, family and friends interference will turn what was, in the beginning, a good relationship, a nightmarish place with almost no oxygen to survive.
“And I’m not trying to change you
But it’s just not in the stars
I know there’s somebody out there
To love you just as you are
When you finally find that someone who fits you right
You’rе gonna see I couldn’t be him
No matter how hard I try
I know I wanna love you but I-
I wanna lovе you but I”
In verse 2, Ben sings that the relationship isn’t in the stars, and someone out there will love his partner for the way that person is. Although this might sound beautiful to read and hear is notorious the dismissive behavior relegating responsibility to somebody else and describing that a relationship will only work out if written in the stars. And because it wasn’t written in the stars, of course, he didn’t try harder even if he says he did.
What does it mean to try hard to love someone or create a relationship? Does it mean to learn our partner’s love language? Does it mean to get out of our comfort zone and communicate our needs and desires adequately? Does it mean to love the other person not as we want, but as they want and need? These are the questions that I have for you today.
Every song has something to teach if we read and listen to it with intelligence. For those of you who heard the “I wanna love you, but I don’t” or “I love you, but I’m not in love with you”, remember that it is not your responsibility to change someone’s mind or feelings.
Do you feel you did your best? If so. Put your eyes on the horizon, allow yourself to feel the pain because that’s what emotionally intelligent individuals do. Then keep moving, and believe. After all the challenges, there is always something better waiting for you, a love made of real love with someone, who like you, went through many other challenges but is ready now to love and receive love.