I have learned (like always has been) a lot about myself in these last two years. It seemed like somehow I felt that I died and, in truth, I let myself die. I allowed it to happen, the death. Death arrived. The death of some parts of myself that I didn’t want to deal with anymore. The death of one life that didn’t make sense to live anymore. A scream that I felt almost every day daunting deep inside me saying – “dawn”. It has been my journey. Live and die. Revive and love. It isn’t fatalism but reality, an overwhelming commotion, a punch in my soul that left a dent. A breath of unease that said – ‘wakeup’.

I have been writing a lot lately, organizing my thoughts, organizing my heart. Organizing my life, organizing myself in what seems to be for all of us one of the biggest challenges of subsistence the need to find security.

Some might surrender themselves or settle down for something else. But that, that wouldn’t be good to my spirit. I don’t renounce. I don’t accept what I don’t want, and this is not a matter of intensity. But just an enormous need of living.

I don’t have loose parts to offer, neither portions of other people who passed through my life and faded away for some reason. I have myself. That’s what I have, authenticity.
After so much inner turmoil where I had to send myself through the death of my spirit, I might say now that I finally found my way back home, the conviction of being free, the certainty of finding my feeling again.

I love who can touch my soul and my body. Maybe one day we will meet. The unknown who will surprise. The undisclosed who, perhaps, had such a long journey like me and like lighthouses we will find each other. No worries, no hurries. I can not understand people who jump from one relationship to another after saying so many times, ‘I love you’s.’ Maybe living a fantasy or trying to find themselves in the middle of nowhere.

Gladly I still see the sun rising. Gladly I am alive.

And this is what I may call emotional intelligence walking alongside intellectual maturity.




Photography: ©2021 Alexandra Santos

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