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Don’t Let MRHK “MURDER” The Woman You Are

© 2019 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved.

“Mayer-Rokitansky-Küster-Hauser syndrome (MRKH) is a devastating diagnosis for a young woman to receive, carrying with considerable medical, psychological, social, and reproductive implications. The syndrome is characterized by vaginal agenesis and typically is accompanied by cervical and uterine agenesis. Several variants exist, with 7% to 10% of patients exhibiting either an obstructed uterus or obstructed rudimentary uterine horns with functional endometrium”

For today’s article, I want to ask do you know what is MRKH, or in other words, Mayer-Rokitansky-Kuster-Hauser syndrome? I believe many of you never heard this name or even know about this condition that affects 1 in 5000 women.
A few weeks ago I saw in Portuguese television one interview with two women who suffered from this syndrome. Did I like what I saw? No! The reason why you may wonder. The reason is simple because I don’t understand why television uses these circumstances to victimize people and even play a big drama around.

Media or social communication plays an important role when the subject is to educate society but fails roundly in this aspect by using serious and sensitive themes that involve health issues to gain audiences.

Unfortunately, the Rokitansky syndrome seen as something terrible can lead some women to suicide. Twenty years ago or more, the medical community didn’t have the information and the sensibility necessary to deal with this condition.
With no filters or conscience, some doctors would say to these women they would never become a mother or have a successful romantic life. You may see the impact this information would have on the self-esteem and dreams of these women.
In our days, and we are in the twenty-one century, we can see some progression, but these women still have a lack of support or voice.

To explain Rokitansky syndrome, it has two types. The type one only affects the reproductive system, vagina channel length, an undeveloped uterus, but still, have functional ovaries.
Type two is considered the most severe, patients experience abnormalities in other parts of the body like the kidneys may be abnormally formed or positioned, hearing loss or heart disease.

The lack of information and support over the years led many teenagers to depression, suicide, and even the feeling of unworthy to love and have a healthy life. With this being said the real issue his how society deal and cope with “abnormal” diseases because of despite the fact of existent literature, you can’t find much information about how to become a mother if you have Rokitansky syndrome. And yes, this is a real problem.

Despite your syndrome, you can be a mother and have relationships. Fortunately, science offers us many options to have a biological baby, like IFV treatments, and let me tell you stupid is the man who doesn’t want to be with you because you had a problem that was out of your hands to control.

I’m sorry, Rokitansky doesn’t define you as a woman. You are so much more than a name or a health issue.

What people don’t realize and should, is these kinds of diseases, which are treatable, give a psychological and resilience background to these women that only a few have or even will understand. We become human beings when we face majors problems and situations to test our limits.

Don’t accept being treated like a poor thing.

Treat yourself with respect and see all this situation as something that gives you power, the power to live your life with no chains or objections.

UQ Institute for Molecular Bioscience researchers, The University of Queensland, Australia, are working to identify the genetic links associated with developing MRKH.

Like I said in prior articles, we should educate our society.

Where is the point in Tv Show ask intimate questions? Does it help anyone? If people understood how the human brain works, they would see that what you focus, increase. For this reason, television can be dangerous and give the wrong information.

To help yourself and help people in this situation seek professional advice and be sure you have emotional support and stable foundations at home. Remember, you are beautiful and a warrior.

Some links you might like to read about MRKH:

https://ojrd.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/1750-1172-2-13

https://www.hindawi.com/journals/isrn/2013/628717/

https://www.beautifulyoumrkh.org

With love,

Alexandra

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Share Your Deep Feelings Before it’s Too Late.

In today’s article I would love to share with you a Portuguese Valentine’s day video made a long time ago. It talks about the importance of letting people know how much we love and care about them, before it’s too late.

The following text is the video translation:

Só de mim is a story about someone who had everything, but only knew when it was too late.

You don’t know who I am, but I know who you are… and I just need a minute of your attention.

I want to tell you that I hope you know how lucky you are. How much I would like to be in your shoes. To be able to be in the same bed as her every morning. To help her waking up from the bad mood.

I hope you know she’s only going to talk with you after she brushes her teeth. It’s not on purpose… she’s just afraid of losing her charm in your eyes. Afraid that you’ll consider her a common human being.

I hope you know that she likes to enjoy every sunbeam, and that coffee makes her sick.

That she chooses what she’s going to wear on the night before, just to have five more minutes of sleep in the morning. That the alarm clock rings fifty times until she gets up, and that, even so, she manages to arrive on time.

I also want you to know that she loves fantastic tales, but not Horror stories! That she might know all the names of an old book’s characters, but that she isn’t going to try hard to immediately know all your friends’ names…

Because she… she owns herself.

She’s not the one who is lucky to have you. You are the lucky one, to have her in your life. You know…

She’s not a romantic by nature, but a spontaneous gesture from you will make her weaken.

Because she’s safe and sweet at the same time.

She can’t cook, but she’ll try hard to prepare your favourite dish. And if it doesn’t come out right, she’ll laugh at her failure, instead of blushing.

And when she laughs… it makes me want to cry. Not in sadness, but because each laugh is like a musical note that touches my heart and makes me want to dance.

I hope that you stop doing what you like to do, and that sometimes you have time to hear her talk about her day and every single achievement. That you put up with her artistic daydreams and the time she wastes colouring children’s books when she wants some time for herself.

I want you to know that I would love to be on that side, putting up with her bad mood and seeing it change after the first glass of wine. I wanted to be able to admire her nails that most of the times have peeling nail polish than perfect nail polish… but that every imperfect red shape has a story that she built with her own hands.

I wish I had fallen in love with her on the first day I saw her, and not on the second one. Because each day with her is to be sure that you are loved. Because she’s seduction and joy altogether. Because she gets what she wants with the power of her smile and the strength of her look. I’d be a fool if I didn’t know she has brown eyes and that she loves the colour green. I want you to know that she’s all I want and never knew I had.

Learn that the arrhythmia you feel with her is normal! And that the lack of it is like an emptiness worse than death.

I hope you’ll be everything I never was.

I hope you treat her right.

Because if you break her heart you’ll lose her forever.

I wish I could have read the future…

Text: Ana Luisa Bairos, Joana Pacheco
Actor: Diogo Lopes

And you? Will you read the future or live the present and built a future with who you love?

With love,

p.s: A big Thanks and Welcome to my new readers and followers.

Alexandra

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Betrayal: The Psychological Anxiety Effects, Behind The Scenes

“Betrayal delivers a unique, emotionally violent blow to the body, heart and mind.  An unthinkable blow that can only come from someone with whom we share deep bonds. Trauma happens when we can no longer bear reality.  It signals to the brain that our life is under threat. The life being threatened when we are betrayed is the life of the soul.” – Sandra Lee Dennis, PhD

In today’s article will bring up to the table the word that we all fear, but in some way we have had experienced in our lives: Betrayal.
As heavy as it can be if you search all over the web, you can find all the information about Betrayal but are very rare the scientific articles that provide substantial information about the impact, and consequences of this dysfunctional behavior. It’s urgent to talk about openly to our community about this issue, and even provide the right tools to help our loved ones to overcome the situation.

We are taught that to be truly happy we need to learn how to trust. And, sometimes, reluctantly, we let down our guard in hopes that we finally can trust. To an intimate relationship develops organically, we need to delegate our trust in another, in our partners. We have to make ourselves vulnerable. We have to believe this person accepts us unconditionally and is devoted to us in good and bad times. To be more specific, and help you understand the power of bond attachment, the presence of our intimate partner affects blood pressure and stress hormones, positively. With this said, and besides the fact that betrayal is the disrespect for core human needs and desire when you experience it, you experience death. Literally!

One of the consequences of betrayal is the development of PTSD (Post-traumatic Stress Disorder), symptoms:

  • Flashbacks, or reliving the traumatic event or feeling like is happening in the present moment
  • Increased heart rate
  • release of adrenaline
  • shaking, sweating
  • Trouble sleeping
  • Angry outbursts
  • Feeling panic, fear or worry
  • Being on alert for signs of the trauma occurring again
  • Being triggered by things that remind you of the traumatic event
  • Anxiety.
© 2019 Patrick Hancock.  All rights reserved.

Eighty percent of suicides, in Australia, are committed by men, and we should be aware this happens because men are less inclined to communicate feelings about adverse life events. 

The principal causes for suicide among Aussie men population are:

  • relationship breakdown after infidelity episodes (“Kolves, Ide and De Leo (2011) studied the suicidal behavior of men who had experienced the breakdown of a marriage or de facto relationship and showed that both trait shame (pervasive, long-term feelings) and state shame (feelings related to an event) predicted suicidal behavior.”
  • Unhelpful conceptions of masculinity
  • Abuse of alcohol and other substances

The numbers are scary but seem most of us still don’t care and even continue doing the same or even worse. As we must recognize when faced with a threatening situation, our thalamus, which receives incoming stimuli, send signals to both the amygdala and the cortex. If your amygdala senses danger begins the fight-or-flight response before the cortex has time to overrule it. With the amygdala triggered occur an intense unconscious emotional response that shuts off the cortex, making it hard you to think and concentrate. This process is called the amygdala hijack.

Betrayal can happen in many forms, like:

  • Disrespecting or criticizing your partner in front of other people
  • Having one emotional affair
  • Micro-cheating (Micro-cheating is a series of seemingly small actions that indicate a person is emotionally or physically focused on someone outside their relationship, be aware that you might be engaging in micro-cheating if you share private jokes or specific emojis, if you downplay the seriousness of your relationship to another guy or girl. Having private conversations or online chats and quickly shuts down when your partner enters the room. Consistently texting someone without your partner knowing. The problem with micro-cheating is that most people don’t even realize they’re doing it. – Melanie Schilling, PhD)
  • Divulging private information about your partner without their consent
  • Prioritizing work, a hobby or another passion above your relationship
  • Complaining about your partner and the relationship to someone you’re attracted to
  • Dealing with deceitful people in business matters
  • Being around with friends who have had affairs can lead you to have one affair
  • Have a parent who betrayed and acted like nothing happen, living the happy life after is another serious form of betrayal

Remember, because someone betrayed in the past doesn’t mean it will happen again. Most importantly, if you are in a new relationship, please share with your partner how you feel and what contributes to your amygdala hijack don’t feel shame, be upfront. He or she might not understand in the beginning and might even be quite defensive, but these steps can help both of you to set up new rules and what is appropriate:

  • Name your emotions as you experience them
  • Write what triggered your emotions? A particular person or situation?
  • What emotions did you feel?
  • What were you thinking at the time?
  • How realistic were those thoughts? Were they realistic given the situation?
  • Was there another way to view the situation?
  • What would you like your partner to do to make you feel safe?
  • Take a timeout
  • Deep breath from your abdomen
  • Remember, you aren’t a victim, and you deserve happiness.

After write all the things you want and feel, give it to your partner and let him or her read and think about.

For partners of people betrayed in the past, this is my advice:

Don’t take personally the angry outbursts that your loved one might feel and express towards you. Listen with attention to the information and feelings they might share with you, part of the healing process is the capacity to be vulnerable and trust again.
If there is a situation or someone, in particular, that is triggering the fight-or-flight responses in your partner have compassion.

See how you contribute to the situation and take the right actions to preserve the integrity of your relationship and the well being of your lover. Avoid saying your partner is crazy or seeing things. Don’t withdraw from your partner because they are in real pain, be together as a team.

Unfortunately, the way he or she might feel isn’t about jealousy, envy manipulation or control. It is the survival mode in action and giving directions to build protection against the threatening situation.

After all, I think it’s time for us to wake up and start to face the mistakes we do almost every day. How we neglect our relationships and the ones we love. It doesn’t matter, if you are close or apart geographically, what matters is how you preserve your integrity and the integrity of your relationship.

Love means protection, and your relationship should be a heaven bubble where both feel safe and at home.

I end my article, with an attention call, especially for the professional health community to be aware of the devastating impact of the loss of the loved ones. Don’t let typical ideas, and stereotypes, blind you from reality, use your health skills to help and save lives.

Teach people to love and how to maintain healthy relationships. We are human beings, not isolated Islands.

Micro- Cheating: https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/relationships/news/a47645/what-is-micro-cheating/

The Impact of Betrayal Trauma on the Tendency to trust: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/274867322_The_Impact_of_Betrayal_Trauma_on_the_Tendency_to_Trust

With love,

Alexandra

Ouso Escrever is now part of the top 75 Relationship blogs on the web.

https://blog.feedspot.com/relationship_blogs/

Thank you!

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International Orgasm Day: Hitting the P-spot

“Good sex is like good bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” 
― Mae West

Today, we celebrate the international orgasm day, and I think it’s appropriate to say the more we talk about sex, the more it became a taboo. Why? We still have the wrong idea about sex. Most of us think sex is all about inserted a penis inside a vagina.
Sadly, we forget the power of foreplay and the fact that our bodies have more than one g-spot to enhance pleasure.

The liberalization of pornography, the sexual revolution itself, and so many other forms of social movements that occur between the ’60s until the ’80s should have given us the right perspective about human relationships. How to explore our bodies and what is the real meaning of eros. But they didn’t.

Fifty years after the second-wave feminism, why we keep talking about women can’t achieve orgasm? Why do we keep facing sexual problems and dilemmas inside our relationships?
More importantly, why do we demand so much from our male partners when it comes to sex? Shall we have to be goddesses and gods of sex? Porn stars?

Do we know the importance of oral sex? Do we know how to do it properly?

Clitoris has 8 thousand nervous terminals, double of the glans penis, and its the first trigger to provoke intense arousal in women. But, should I ask you, lick the glans penis is the only way to give, intense, pleasure to our men?

Going directly to the subject of my article: what is the P-spot?

As we have a G-spot, our male partners have a P-spot that with the right stimulation can give them multiple and intense orgasms. But, as I said before, many things related to sex are still a taboo in the XXI century. Pleasuring one man stimulating his perineum, or his nipples, are forbidden areas to explore. The P-spot is his perineum area, that area between the anus and scrotum, earned the credit of being an erogenous zone.

To administer a male perineum massage, you have to be sure your partner wants and feels comfortable with that. Some men enjoy the feeling of having their perineum licked and teased with a tongue or fingers, but others might feel shame and associate this technique as a gay thing.
Keep in mind, the importance of open communication lines with your partner, and look at their eyes to notice discomfort or pleasure. Remember, this technique is another way to spice your relationship but also to reinforce the bond you have with him or her. Yes, women love to have stimulation on the perineum too.

Every person’s nervous system is different. Some people may be able to have a perineum orgasm from perineum stimulation alone, others with the association of perineum stimulation and oral sex. The insert of one finger or a sex toy in the anus to reach the prostate gland are allowed too. Everything is fair between four walls and, at least, you will reach your “nirvana climax” like you never had before.

As partners, as women, and as men we forget the importance of erotic moments in our relationships consumed by daily life routines, some studies have shown men are less willing to share their sexiest fantasies with their partners, than women with this said it’s important to refer that sharing secrets fosters intimacy. Talk about sex and want we want in bed leads us to a more satisfying sex life.

Are your sexual fantasies, dirty? No, they are normal and healthy.

In today’s article, I wanted and still, want you to think about what is fair in sexual matters? What would you like to say or ask your partner? I invite you to look for more information about the P-spot, yes, men need our attention too and, don’t think because you like the sensation of having a massage on your perineum, or your ass, you are gay. Men and women should be free to experience whatever they want inside their bedroom. It’s all about trust and love.

With love,

Alexandra

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Why People Cheat? With Esther Perel

In today’s article, I’m sharing a podcast interview between Tony Robins and Esther Perel.

I invite you to take a listening with attention because many things as, our attachment styles, influence the way we behave in our relationships.

Ask yourself:

  • When was the last time you broke the rules?
  • When was the last time you had a place just for being a lover?
  • When was the last time you had novelty and erotic pleasure?
  • Can you show to your partner all the parts of yourself?
  • Did you forget how to make love with your clothes on?

With love,

Alexandra

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Women who Farm: How to Date a Wild Rose?

“Love no matter what and commit to absolute truth. Be present for your lover even during the most painful situations. Don’t just be physically present, be fully present–giving your lover your undivided focus.” – Tony Robbins

I believe, as a human being, we all search for a long-lasting healthy relationship, and this is even truer when it comes to farming or other professions with high levels of stress and risk for your mental and physical well being. As a farmer and a woman, I can tell you, you face the uncertainty and the emotional roller coaster as a lesson.

The exercise of discipline, the discipline of nurturing your intimate relationships as you feed your fields with proper fertilization. For your plants grow healthy and produce what you need, you have to provide them, water and fertilization according to the vegetative cycle.

In the sunflower case, with 5 leaves, we apply nitrogen to gain size and start the chapter formation. Boron is useful and should be applied, for example, when the chapter or the leaves aren’t well-formed. From the leaves’ length, you can predict your production.

When it comes to relationships, it happens the same. You need to give time and nurture, give the proper amount of love and attention. Give yourself and give freedom to your lover. Times of scarcity or emotional pain are the biggest challenges we face almost every day in farming matters, so nuclear support and benign love, are essential to support us.

How is to date a Farm Woman:

  • You will understand the real core human needs;
  • You will understand the power of trust and faith;
  • Challenges are her middle name;
  • She is a real survivor;
  • There are two women in one: The business woman and the Diva;
  • Love and commitment are golden rules for a healthy/happy life;
  • She will be by your side, no matter what, because she knows and felt how is feeling of being alone;
  • Loving a farmer is like drink Bourbon. The first drink is harsh and bitter, but with time it will be smooth and warm;
  • There is no false illusions, but she still have the capacity to purely dream;
  • Consistency, even during emotional and professional turmoils times;

Fatigue is very prominent among farmers and is about much more than the simple need for good sleep. It can lead to constant exhaustion and a feeling of emptiness.

Being a farmer isn’t a fairytale either a bed of roses, but as you might understand the contact with this natural reality bring us a sense of responsibility that is very rare in the period we are living. Run a farm is one commitment you assume for yourself and mother earth. If you fail, everything falls.

I drove a tractor with nine years old for the first time. I started to run the farm with twenty-six and has been so many up’s and down’s, that I can tell you it just gave me the strength to keep going, it made me tougher. So, when it comes to love, I just wanted to have by my side a man that could understand my roots and motivations.
Someone, to call my man, my home sweet home, the place where I can rest from life’s battles and start a family.

I have that man, luckily a nurse, that I felt since the first time I saw him, he would be my lifetime partner.

Where focus goes, energy flows.

When you travel the swerving, obstacle road be firm about what you want and get clear about your goals. The more aligned you have your expectations with your partner the more you will celebrate your differences and enrich your life together.

All the relationships we built has a propose. Mine is to be loved and give love. Mix genes with a man who is loyal to his heart, and has his feet on the earth. Be the example of dignity and respect, after all.

What about you? Willing to date a farmer?

With love,

Alexandra

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The Dating process, The Mating process: Finding the Right Mirror to Reflect Your Real Beauty

“Your Flaws are perfect for the heart that is meant to love you”

There are a million cracked mirrors in the world that we can look at, and think we are ugly. When it comes to dating, the real dating, we are looking for someone a real mate that can stand next to us and help us to shine more brighter. I don’t understand, completely, the new dating world because I’m old fashion in these matters, and because I believe we all need a real love in our lives. Love can push us from our comfort zone and help us to identify our true selves.

Don’t we forget the real propose of dating? Don’t we take people usually for granted? Don’t we forget, often, to say to our partners how much we love them? Don’t we forget to wake up in the morning and be thankful that we have someone somewhere in the world that loves us for who we are?

While dating how much we laugh? How much we stay in the present moment and feel freedom to be ourselves? Do we recognize our partner as the mirror we need to envolve into our best selves? Can we be just “a child” with them?

The innocence attached to dating is gone, sadly. If you search on the web, you can find various articles, videos and, even schools where they teach men and women how to play emotional games. At the end of the line, everyone is hurting each other and hurting themselves.

No one is telling or educating you for the fact that you need to be seen by your partner that you need to feel their love and somehow their empowerment. No one is telling that you should stop doing the wrong things that keep kept away from receive the love you deserve. No one is telling you that you should reconfigure your participation in your relationship. As chic or poetry as it may sound the truth is the way we respond to our relationship dynamics can change the whole process of dating.

Give it a fighting chance. Give and allow yourself to have a fighting chance to be, really, happy.

Do you need to chase man? No! Does a man need to chase you? No! You just need to know how to “dance”.

Stop doing the wrong thing, means:

  • Stop giving the excuse that you don’t have time;
  • Replacing the “You did” for “I feel”;
  • Say “I’m sorry”;
  • Don’t be afraid to be bold;
  • Not be upfront about your goals (someone who has the same goal as you won’t be scare);
  • Not stating what you want because it’s the first date (telling what you want doesn’t mean you will drag the other person into your home and cage them);
  • Don’t play or accept the game hot and cold;
  • Don’t be a Peacock;
  • Don’t be a Q girl or a Q boy;
  • Don’t do the slow-fading (when you slowly wind down contact with the person you have been dating leaving longer between your replies)

The ability to love, the ability to be in a partnership is a mindset. You have been out there in the field knowing and acknowledging how is to be in a romantic relationship and so you know, you understand there will be down days and days that you will be mad at your partner. A partnership mindset allows us to be with someone in the highs and the lows.

If you see your partner confuse, please don’t do the typical reaction to their reactivity like asking your friends what’s going on. Don’t let assumptions assault your mind because, most of us, get tripped up by putting salt in our wounds thinking our partners are using us.

Remember, we all have our issues, and we want someone, but we are scared to disappoint that person. Sometimes we want to phone call our partners, but we don’t do it because we will look needy, or because we think they might not want us to call them. In the end of the line each one of you will make assumptions and feel disconnected from your partner.

Life and love are more than Black and White. There are so many gray layers that you should try to understand and learn how to decode.

The mirror that will reflect your real beauty is out there and like you have many flaws and many qualities, but you will love them because they aren’t scared of your true self.

With love,

Alexandra

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When Her Emotional Tank Is Empty

Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts.” —Charles Dickens

The day to day life obligations, society demands, stress, lack of time, empathy, and affection leads many of us, women, to the emotional abyss. You may face moments where you find it hard to cope with difficulties, and demands, so all you want is a hug or something special to make you feel safe and loved.

During overwhelmed experiences, you might go through periods of disconnection from your partner and your relationship just because you aren’t at the same pace and not dealing with the same issues.

It’s normal. We all experience periods of connection and disconnection periods of more intimacy and less intimacy but, how we reconnect after disconnection is the key.

For this article, I used the Drº Gary Chapman, five languages of love profile, to find out mine and explain to you through my example of how it works.

Just remind you, the five languages of love are:

  • Words of Affirmation;
  • Acts of service;
  • Receiving Gifts;
  • Quality Time;
  • Physical Touch

After answer all the questions, this is my profile score (0-12):

  • Physical Touch – 11;
  • Words of Affirmation – 7;
  • Quality time – 6;
  • Acts of service – 5;
  • Receiving gifts – 1;

Unsurprisingly, physical touch is my primary inner love language, and I can explain one of the reasons why: when I was a baby my mother used to carry me next to her body all-day in one kangaroo baby bag. This close bond and affection were always present in my entire life, and so I apply the same dynamic or gestures into my intimate relationships.

It’s important for me to touch and being touch.

Gallant and Spence (2010) studies have shown that women who have received more hugs from their partners in the past have significantly lower blood pressure levels. Nonsexual physical affection can be one complement way to deal with severe stressful events.

People with physical touch love language display affectionate behavior in public, hold hands while walking, thoughtful touches because it does provide a sense of belonging.

What happens when your primary love language isn’t fulfilling:

  • You try to rescue your others love languages that are mean full for you;
  • You verbalize that you don’t feel loved or something is missing;
  • You start to feel that your partner doesn’t care about you and don’t understand your needs;
  • You withdraw (Which is terrible);
  • Your emotional tank will be empty, and you won’t be able to reciprocate his or her’s affection. At this point, your partner will tell you: “you have changed!”

Understand, this isn’t a simple math equation. It takes a lot of self-awareness and respect for your own and your partner’s needs. May be confused in the beginning, but relationships are this a constant life lesson in movement.

To hurt me is quite simple, push me away physically or verbally, and then the result will be Alexandra inside her shell.

The second love language words of affirmation have a positive impact on me when I have to face tough times. I can recognize the voice of my loved ones miles away, and for that reason, the worst punishment I can receive is the lack of verbal affection from who I love.

My third love language is quality time, and nothing upsets me more than being surrounded by people that are always distracted with something or not being present with me.

As you can see when we get hurt there are multiple reasons and most of them we don’t understand, or can explain.

With this said and because my blog is about love, I want to share one thing with you: When it comes to dating, I always had this idea that to have a successful relationship, you have to have focus.

I don’t believe in the lottery for relationships it can be risky and unfortunately leads to emotional pain. I love one quote I had read recently in one article, saying: “Some men are in love while others sweep streets.” Sweep streets mean, in dating terms, men who want to try every “flower” they see.

My last advice for you is, please find out who you are. Be sure of what you want, and don’t engage in emotional multitasking games because, at the end of the tunnel, you are the one who will get hurt. If you are in a relationship, do your best and be your best because life will thank you and when you look back, you won’t have regrets.

Understanding how you perceive love can help you to attain the results you want for life in general. Don’t be afraid to voice your needs, don’t be afraid to feel your inner self and don’t let others distort the way you see yourself as a human being.

Love is love. Love is respect.

My love for you,

Alexandra

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Narcissism: The Apocalyptic Disorder That Kills Love

“Self-love is protection against mental suffering, psychological illnesses, generators of well-being, and quality of life. Self-esteem, the genuine ability, without shame or fear, to recognize the strengths and virtues that we possess.” – Walter Riso

Narcissistics exist, they aren’t 21st-century evolution, quite the contrary. Unfortunately, they can destroy lives, and put us living under the bridge, literally.

These people want to live life at the limit, and everything for them has to have an impact.

Researchers have shown that narcissistic people need constant adrenaline due to an alteration of the way their brains produce some chemical substances like, for example, serotonin.

Partners, children and friends, are seen as household appliances.

Their victims are those who have the power to forgive, the “mothers” and “fathers” who accept them and in return receive only crumbs of, affection.

Narcissists play a tough psychological game in which they turn the other person into their emotional junk. Although they are attracted to attractive, resilient, cheerful, understanding and tolerant people with a sense of humor, they have great difficulty in maintaining these relationships because envy is a feeling that is present and corroding.

Narcissists in romantic relationships:

  • Everything has to happen faster;
  • Lot’s of seduction and romanticism;
  • The constant need to dazzle;
  • Sex for them is like play tennis or go to the beach;
  • For many, a first date will only be the first date, because the fantasy wasn’t there.
  • Messages and constant phone calls based on fear to lose;
  • Disappear, appear and disappear again;
  • Everything is possible and only depends of them;
  • The idealized notion of love;
  • Everything is too good at the beginning of the relationship;
  • Lack of desire for commitment;
  • Lack of empathy;
  • Betray and more betray to feed their ego and feel alive;
  • Competition;
  • Inconstancy and emotional instability;
  • Envy towards partner;

If the relationship is over:

  • Exhibition of personal information;
  • Victimization;
  • Exhaustive memory;
  • Defamation;
  • Perversity;

As many of us know these people usually go unpunished with the evil they do to others. They have the power to make innocents feel guilty. In the courts, we see so much of this.

Narcissists in family relationships:

  • Pressure and emotional blackmail;
  • Parents with lack of empathy;
  • Parental envy. Parents who haven’t succeed sentimentally or professionally feel intense jealousy towards their children. They may even project their anger to their children because they haven’t been well-loved in their entire lives.
  • Emotional and physical violence;

Narcissists in friendships:

  • Only one talks, only one has problems;
  • Friendship with many reticences;
  • The constant need for comparison, their focus on life is negative and never satisfying. They can call you and talk for about two hours and never ask you how you are.
  • They make you feel exhausted;
  • Disposability;
  • Lot’s of friends;
  • False interest and concern;

Narcissists in online social media:

  • Use of Facebook and other social media for body exposure;
  • Cars, motorcycles, houses, and even diplomas are used to show how powerful and amazing their lives are;
  • Catfishing or kittenfishing, this means they post out-of-date photos looking for attention, never showing how they are in the present;
  • They spread how they feel emotionally through their online posts and even can use it to send subliminal messages to someone in particular;
  • Victimization using personal information;
  • Addiction to social media;

Deal with someone with two faces it’s a heroic act where you have to look after your well being, mostly if you are one woman, look after your maternal instincts.

Narcissistics are people with their inner child hurt, so it’s natural you feel compassion, and try to rescue them. Believe me when I say you can’t.
With time, they will sabotage your self-esteem and doesn’t matter if they are your partner parent or boss, they will try to induce you into one spiral of sorrow.

Run away from someone who isn’t able to look at their wounds. Run away from someone with toxic behavior, from someone who talks with you one day and disappears for a week or less. From someone who doesn’t look into your eyes for more than 3 seconds.

Escape from someone who makes you feel like you are living post-traumatic stress as soldiers experience after war. Some Narcissistics will make you feel like you need to be in constant vigilance, and tension, please seek professional help.

To conclude my article, let me ask one last thing, why narcissists are so afraid of commitment? Because, they have a deep fear of rejection, and because in one way or another, they hadn’t anyone to give them the necessary tools to deal with love, and feelings in general.

Always remember, in healthy relationships, people will make you feel secure no matter how hard times they are cross. People with emotional intelligence like I said many times if they need to leave for some reason will let you know what’s going on and they will come back. They won’t play emotional games.

Love is consistency, be present in good and bad moments.

Love is intimacy and bond.

From personal experience, it’s hard to deal with narcissistic people mostly when you don’t shut off your mouth, and you fight for your beliefs.

My best advice?

Always be who you are! The real YOU is the most effective gun against these predators.

Hope this help you,

with love,

Alexandra

Em destaque

Change Our Partner? A Straight Shot In The Foot.

“The world’s happiest couple never has the same character. They just have the best understanding of their differences.”

It’s a fact that in these days we write a lot about the difficulty of finding true love. Several articles out there approach that new technologies have taken the magic of first encounters, and charm dating, and long-term relationships.

We can’t deny the fact that our communications are based on text messages mostly as I said in previous articles. We can’t deny the new generations are very lazy when it comes to love, everyone talks about it, but not all can sustain a relationship.

How many times someone who says wants a relationship run away from it like the devil from the cross when it happens?

We all have so much afraid to love and lose somehow our freedom inside one relationship.

We have afraid, and we believe that “the one” only exists in our dreams.

Unfortunately, just with a search on youtube, you can realize the number of relationship experts that encourage men and women to make emotional games, like:

  • Play hard to get;
  • Be hot and cold;
  • Make him chase you;
  • If he doesn’t text you, disappear;
  • Don’t show much affection in the early stages of dating;
  • Give her the silent treatment because she will chase you;
  • Keep dating multiple people at same time;
  • Ignore each other to get each other attention;
  • After your first date let him text you first;
  • The 7 signs you are in a wrong relationship;
  • When to have sex with him;
  • And so on goes the list.

My question is, what kind of people are we educating? Is this education for love?

You know what? All the examples I gave you are born in insecurities.

We are cultivating the culture of lust, hookup, kittenfishing*.

There is nothing more wrong than thinking that love only comes when two people think alike, and have the same interests. Love born when we accept the imperfections as perfections. When we allow and allow ourselves to use our actual size of “clothing” and “colors” as we please.

Changing who we love is exhausting and a losing battle.

“Patched clothing” doesn’t shine, and for our partners to shine, they need new “clothes” instead of “broken fabrics”.

No one change because we want, or based in manipulatory games, accusations. All these strategies will be a backfire you, and I will explain why:

To someone change their behaviors and attitudes, they have to stop to have a look inside, and understand what’s causing damage in their lives. Use their partner’s shoes and feel their pain and sometimes the “unnecessary drama”.

Not all men or women can access this level of understanding. But who does can be more attentive, and receptive to your needs, stop having some hostile attitudes, and learn how to communicate effectively.

When you don’t like something, think about it first, and then vent your displeasure in a healthy manner way, because your partner always needs your respect and acceptance.

Our peace passes by accepting that each human being has his way of thinking and being, his essence. We all need to be seen by our partners.

Don’t be afraid to lose, afraid to say how you feel and what you want.

Differences are essential to grow and build a relationship with strong foundations.

We all have times where we feel insecure, but that doesn’t mean we have to change the other person to feel safe.

Focus your attention in what you want, not in what you don’t want.

Appreciate the best qualities of your partner and show how grateful you are for their presence.

Be present in your mind that you and your partner are the result of your personality, life experiences, beliefs, convictions, principles, tastes, and interests.
With all these reasons when you have a fight when you think, you want to change something in your partner BREATH and say I Love you!

I love you’ means: ‘Your feelings are important to me. If I’ve upset you, I need to apologize and be aware of my behavior. I’ll be here for you, and you can count on me'” Once you and your partner have exchanged your first “I love you” it’s natural to feel more invested in your relationship, as well as in your boo’s wellbeing.

Love is a choice. Be wise, be you!

With love,

Alexandra

Em destaque

The Adult Children of Divorce: The Love and Life Acknowledgment After Pain

“O amor é evidentemente mais grato quando não é perturbado pela aridez da necessidade, mas deriva da bondade fecunda.”

For many of us, the word Divorce cause chills representing the end of a life’s project.

With a divorce, with the separation, the heavy losses for children no matter how age they have, will impact the way they see life and future relationships as adults.

Does anyone talk about the Adult children of divorce?

Witness the dismemberment of the nuclear family is one of the greatest pains we can experience as human beings. There is a part of us that dies, and we will never be able to rescue it.

As you enter into and deepen any healthy, intimate relationship, you need to know yourself. What identify you is your personality, which develops unconsciously and can be shaped by your upbringing and environment.

So, the question is: How personality of Adult children develops into this emotional turmoil, which is divorce?

How do they look at life and their future relationships?

It has been emphasizing that children of divorced couples would have a greater tendency to embark on destructive paths and have an unconfigured personality. It’s important to clarify that although the pain and loss associated with divorce, adopting destructive behaviors will depend on the support network that children and adolescents have around them.

But yes, we shouldn’t and can’t devalue the impact that divorce has on our lives. With a divorce, there is the need to mourn a family structure that disappears. And no, there are no easy divorces.

I want to clarify that we divorce every day from love in slow motion when we don’t verbalize, and we don’t discuss what we feel.

As much scoundrel as it may seem, the truth is when one couple has one argument means they still have feelings towards each other. What kills relationships aren’t arguments but instead the way we argue.

The art of love has been enhancing by the art of failure and the art of self-help, which is the same as nothing.

As a 34-year-old woman and daughter of divorced parents, I can say I lived several days and years that weren’t easy. I lost my family, I lost my father, and I lost a large part of myself. I was entering the period of adolescence, that troubled phase in which we say goodbye and mourn our body of children, to embrace the women and men of the future. As the eldest daughter, I played the role of the healer of the family. The connection link. Do you understand what I mean? I became a woman much sooner than I was supposed to because I had to “survive” and protect my people, my tribe.

No one explained the reason for the separation I only knew that there was emotional and physical infidelity.

I had to face for real and in the most hardest way what means the word: dismissive and avoidant.

How does a teenager deal with this situation, and what impact will it have in adult life? Without flowerbeds, it made me realize that intimate relationships require work from both parties. That love, to be loved, you need gestures. You need surprises. But it needs, above all, words accompanied by actions.

There are no white horse princes there are men who bring their family experiences as well as I have mine. In love, there is no room for laziness or suffocating passivity.

In love, there is no room for “me too” when all we want to hear is “I love you!”. “Me too” is like a wall in the rubble when there should be a window, the window of opportunity to experience love.

Honestly, it took me a few years to feel ready to make an intimate commitment to someone else. Because a relationship requires that we have above all space and emotional openness to accept and cherish the other person, even the most irritating details of their personality.

Maturity!

Of course, I have my fears and scars I can’t deny it. I have my moments when certain situations trigger my survival mechanisms and, then I feel, that I must run away, and close myself in the shell.

Our partners, if they haven’t been through a similar situation, aren’t able to understand how we feel or how was the loss the way I describe in this article.

But our partners, if they are the right one, will be able to forge with us strong bonds and emotional connection. That’s what we crave the most. We need to feel that we can be vulnerable and have our soul naked.

Those experiences gave me, the ability to identify when something is off in the relationship, and also be hard workers to fix it as soon as possible.

Those experiences gave me the ability to give my love and express in a healthy way.

Those experiences gave me the power to recognize when I met someone who that lights all the precious lights I have inside instead of running away from him, I want to stay and invest my time and my emotions.

Create. Embrace.

As reflection and to finalize my article, Eduardo Sá, Portuguese Psychologist wrote:

“When we have to fight for a person, in the early stages of dating, we are careful with messages and small gestures. When a relationship installs, we save in the messages. Isn’t very clear the last time two people exchanged a hug or a surprise. It isn’t that clear at times the last time they have said “I love you” to each other with the heart, not only with the mouth. And when we enter through this kind of routine of gestures in which, suddenly, the days seem to be all indifferent, we are falling apart from each other.”

My last question for you is, how to overcome this situation?

My answer is, date everyday even when you don’t feel like it.

Do I have any kind of regrets? As long as I live and as long as my name is Alexandra I will always love the same way and believe that dreams are true.

May we have the ability to reinvent ourselves intimately to love someone regardless of vicissitudes and chaotic life agendas.

With love,

Alexandra

Em destaque

Daring To Love: How Attachment Style Influence Your Relationship.

“All hurt is founded on attachment to anything regardless of its nature. When we detach we vibrationally send ourselves back into the flow of life.” 
― Dr. Jacinta Mpalyenkana, Ph.D, MBA

Everyone is worth to experience the real love as long as we begin to internalize a new image of ourselves and break up with old patterns.

The more we stop to look at the way we deal with relationships and how some situations trigger emotional turmoil or deactivating strategies, the more we can start to forge a path toward security and create healthy long-term intimate connections.

The following image represents the four attachment styles:

Studies have shown secure attachment style represents 50% of the worldwide population, and the rest 50% is divided by 25% for avoidant style and 20% for Anxious.

I will write about each one in separate articles because it’s easier to understand.

Attachment style theory emerged with John Bowlby in the 60’s. In his experiment Bowlby wanted to understood how our brain are programmed to help us to survive and thrive in the environment we are born into. Our self-esteem, ability to control emotions and quality of our relationships are affected by our attachment style.

I must let it clear that even if you have a secure attachment style, you may have some portion of anxious or avoidant depending on the situation.

Don’t use attachment style as a table to categorize your partner, but as a powerful tool to enhance yourself, your partner, and your relationship. To find the root of misunderstandings and argues.

You can understand why and how you withdraw, why and how you get anxious in some situations. How to recognize and fix it and to have more successful lasting relationships.

Relationships should be the stage of self-development and emotional growth, not as a battle camp where someone thinks has the right to diminish his/her partner.

Your partner might have avoidant attachment style, if:

  • Loves you but is always waiting for you to do something wrong?
  • Use deactivating strategies to push you away?
  • Withdraw when faced with issues?
  • Shut down emotionally?
  • Need to have some alone time and sometimes deny your advances for intimacy and have sex?

Your partner might have anxious or avoidant – fearful attachment style, if:

  • You need to go somewhere and stay one day or two away, and he/she thinks you are going to leave him/her?
  • When you are busy doing something, and you can’t reply to messages or phone calls from your partner, does he/she shut down emotionally and start playing games?
  • Do they give you the silent treatment?
  • Is he/she always thinking about where the relationship is going?

Your partner might have a secure attachment style, if:

  • Can you rely on your partner?
  • Are they direct with their needs?
  • They don’t have afraid to face tough situations in life and always stand up for their core values?
  • Are they consistent in their actions and not reluctant to express feelings for you?
  • Are they available when you need them?
  • Do they have the interest and ask you deep tough questions to fully understand you?

Intimacy and closeness can be scary but don’t have to be painful.

Relationships are the most rewarding and challenging aspect of life.

With the right work, and with the understanding that we all have flaws, we can connect and create beautiful bonds.

With love,

Alexandra Santos

Em destaque

The Fourth Love Language: Acts of Service

Actions speak louder than words”

If you or your partner’s primary love language is Acts of service, you or him/her might feel adoration by the things someone in an intimate relationship does for you.

Your actions make your partner feel your love, and he/she appreciate those actions as one act of consistency or as an act of help to make their life easier.

Remember yourself that spontaneity is the key, and it doesn’t need to be a grand gesture:

  • Prepare their breakfast and bring it to bed;
  • Take out the trash;
  • Take the kids and leave your partner have a time to relax;
  • Give your partner a kiss;
  • Before left home leave him/her a note somewhere just saying “I Love you!”;
  • Ask your partner what Acts of service means to them;

Like the song says: ” you are the sunshine of my life, that’s why I’ll always stay around. You are the apple of my eye forever you’ll stay in my heart.”

It can be such a great example to provide a love act service to your partner, believing he/she is the apple of your eye by asking for feedback about how much they feel loved by you.

Remember, there is no exact science to make your relationship successful, but with the right competencies and with awareness to learn new skills you can have it all.

With Love,

Alexandra Santos

Em destaque

The Evoke Of A New Musical Writing Era: Aussie Band, Dicklord

“Being different isn’t a bad thing. It means you’re brave enough to be yourself!”

You might get shocked by the name of this band but as long as the music is an art form and a tool to express who we are, shall we say this Punk band has it all.

We can’t deny the quality of the music itself.

The rhythm, the dirty lyrics or at least provocative lyrics, strident girly voices, fancy artwork posters, bodies with tattoos is the story about, these guys.

Dicklord is the real idea of how our inner natures can behave and project into the world with no attached chains.

Dicklord grabs the bull horns in each performance.

They call you out, call you to stand up against misery and spirit poverty. Did you grab the bull horns in your life too?

Every single they produce has a hidden story.

How do you feel when you hear their song, Knuckle Girls? Or Rando Tampo?

Should I ask, is a “Tampo” disabling you to tell your truth?

Think about it.

DickLord represents how we can stand out from the crowd and be popular because of it. As humans, we tend to like and appreciate what is different. What makes you different makes you beautiful, for sure.

Music is pleasure, music is you.

You can follow them on Spotify or Facebook.

With love,

Alexandra Santos

Em destaque

Sexting: The ‘ultimate’ tool to make your relationship brilliant and alive

Sexting provides couples a safe environment where they have a chance to go wild. It can work as an anticipation of the sexual act itself.

The more you are comfortable with your sexuality or being vocal about it, the more you feel appealed to tease your partner with good sexting during the day.

With sexting, you can even share with your partner your deepest wild dreams something new to try.

Sex, the need to make love start in our brain with this said when you sent a text message to your partner, it occurs a hormonal in his/her brain. For men, the levels of dopamine and vasopressin rise, for women oxytocin.

It can feel scary to reveal what are your fantasies or too embarrassed for being vulnerable at the point of uncovering your deepest desires in sexual matters.

Going out from your comfort zone is seduction pleasure and how to feed your connection to a deeper level.

On the long road, it will make you feel good and out of the blue craving for more.

In this article, I’m not thinking about casual hookup relationships or situationships. I’m not talking about unwanted sexting.

Share intimate photos or videos of your partner across the internet is a crime, and yes every day we hear those stories but here, the approach is about healthy relationships and, healthy partners.

Since an emotional relationship is allegedly based on personal trust, give your longtime partner erotic pictures and pleasant words to turn him/her on.

Compromise is the key.

Timing is the key.

Use sext as something to spice a little bit your meaningful connection.

  • Your longtime partner is working? Deliver him the image of the lingerie that you will wear in the evening, just for him.
  • Does she dearly love your voice moaning in her eager ears saying dirty words? Record her one audio message with all the things you are planing to do with her when you arrive at home.
  • Promptly tell her you want to genuinely see her naked or ask gently to use her special perfume because it instantly turn you on. 
  • Tell him you purchased something to oral sex, cause him to think about it all day.

Remember,

a successful relationship requires falling in love multiple times, but always with the same person.

Be proactive, and your partner and your life will thank you.

With love,

Alexandra Santos

Em destaque

Dating Games: The uncomfortable and unnecessary thing called “Breadcrumbing”

Most of you may be asking – what is “breadcrumbing”?

The first thing is, don’t make excuses for bad behavior!

Why? When we try to find excuses for bad behavior, we are feeding what we don’t want and not allowing ourselves to explore the right options for us.

“Breadcrumbing”: The act of sending out flirtatious, but non-committal text messages to members of the opposite sex, in order to lure a sexual partner without expending much effort.

Do you recognize this situation? Do you know this occurs in friendships and workplaces?

No matter how hot, no matter how wonderful they seem to be if you want a real relationship and you feel you are ready for it, don’t allow yourself to be on hold for something that might never occur.

As said in a previous article, we all know people now use instant text messages to maintain and start relationships.

The matter of the fact they are just projecting all their insecurities through a screen.

Can we understand that a simple phone call for about just 5 minutes can change the whole dynamic and reinforce bonds in a relationship?

Breadcrumbing it’s an emotionally manipulative tactic to keep you on a hook and somehow dependent on that connection. It can be romantically or even a friendship.

People who practice breadcrumbing have low self-esteem need attention and are constantly in need of validation.

How to spot it and the red flags breadcrumbing friendships:

  • They post every day on social media things without any kind of substance and some personal drama;
  • You can’t understand their behavior;
  • They may “like” everything you do;
  • They want to know everything you and even ask inconvenient questions;
  • You may not realize you are feeding the dynamic until someone warns you;
  • There is something addictive about the connection, and you don’t know why;

What about work places?

  • Your boss drops hints about how good you are but never gives you a promotion, even if he/she promises you that;
  • Promises of a prospective employer about the great things you might achieve if you accept the unknown role;
  • Colleagues start praising you just before they need your help in something and then leave you until the next time;

Are you dealing with breadcrumbing “partner”?:

  • You never know where you stand;
  • The future is a maybe;
  • They are less invested than you are:
  • They are one day warm toward you but the other day completely cold;
  • They disappear without telling you they need to leave but will come back soon as they can;
  • You can’t understand their behavior;
  • You feel like a dinner entrée;
  • There is always a green light followed by a red one;
  • They cancel at last minute with no effort to reschedule;
  • No consistency.

to conclude my article:

You may think relationships and dates are like menu options but, I like and I want to believe, people still need and want real connection.

People who, like me, write real letters, use phone calls and their physical presence to support consistency who they love. People without afraid to cross barriers and give it a “shot” to try and feel love.

Can be out there plenty of fish in the sea but remember that so many romantic opportunities require from single people maturity to handle it respectfully.

I may disappoint you, but real relationships only work with consistency.

Relationships are straight forward because we dance the same “music”. We want somebody who wants us. We attempt to see each other. Attempt to get together. We have a goal. We want to keep seeing green lights. Social media or instant text messages aren’t the vehicles to nurture relationships. It can be used as an extra tool and are just a small piece of what can be done and given to the other person.

Don’t accept less and don’t diminish yourself.

Stand out and show up as a grown-ass adult because it’s the only way to maintain your sanity. Make yourself feel empowered. Call them out!

You are a human being, not a pigeon to accept bread crumbs.

With love,

Alexandra Santos

Em destaque

The Flabbergasting Dating World: Ghosting, The ‘New’ Breakup Concept.

“Someone Disappearing on you doesn’t reflect your worth. It reflects their fear of being ‘seen’”

I’m sure all of us have experienced this situation in the past, and yes it can be heartbreaking no matter how hard you try to understand why you’ll never have the answer won’t belong to you or in something you did.

Reflect their intentions or at least their afraid of being hurt and provide real love and companionship.

Ghosting is the term used to describe the situation when your partner, male or female, cease all the communications with you and never come back.

It isn’t a new phenom, but because of dating apps and because couples do all their communication through message or social media, it has been studied the last decade with more intensity to understand better the behavior of women and men in the new-age intimate relationships.

What are the consequences of receiving the ultimate silent treatment after several dates or being in a committed relationship?

With this behavior, what’s the message we are passing to the other person?

Meanwhile, we can’t categorize ghosts as bad people.

Some want real love and real connection but don’t know how to sustain it and don’t recognize their attachment style and how it influences their actions. They are avoidants.

The ghosting phenomenon helps people to avoid conflict in the first place and avoid the fear of being rejected and left down.

They avoid hard conversations or the fabricated probability of being used. Fabricated because avoidant people, depends on the avoidance level, always try to find something wrong in their partners to withdraw. Like a bad inner voice saying:

  • See I told you she is using you! She doesn’t love you!
  • He is like many others! Why do you keep believing in him?

They deflect, they shut down emotionally to prevent themselves from future hurt. Yes, on the way they hurt many people but I will leave that for another article, ok?

How to prevent ghosting:

  • Be real and honest about your boundaries;
  • Don’t chase but be upfront about your needs and desires;
  • Focus on your life;
  • Don’t give up on love;
  • Always give the right pace to a new relationship, too hot too soon is no good;
  • Spend time with people you care about;
  • Remember, when ghosting happens it’s all about them, not about you;
  • Don’t intoxicate your life with the internet;
  • If you are in a relationship try to find your own dynamic and your attachment style;
  • Keep your relationships alive and rich, use phone calls instead of instant messages to nurture them;
  • Don’t allow ghosting to become a social norm, apologize but move on;
  • If your partner is avoidant but wants to move on with you, seek professional help or read as much as you can about avoidant attachment style. We can all have a secure relationship;
  • The last but not the least, remember your worth and how beautiful you are.

With love,

Alexandra Santos

Em destaque

Be the best chocolate ever.

“Chocolate, I am sure, is the concrete manifestation of love” – Geneen Roth

When was the last time you were the chocolate of your relationship?

When was the last time you melted your partner with your sugar and sweet inner flavor?

When was the last time you dressed that amazing lingerie?

When was the last time you slept with your girlfriend or wife completely naked?

Do you know women love to see a partner’s penis with the morning erection?

Too many questions at the same time, I believe. But I’ll give you a quick answer to the last question.

We love to see our partner’s erect penis in the morning because it’s the best timing to have sex.

During sleep time, better if we sleep naked, the skin contact release and enhance the production of hormones responsible for sexual desire and intimacy. Oxytocin, is responsible for building intimacy and happiness.

So why talk about chocolate? Because chocolate is a natural aphrodisiac and you can use it for your benefit. You can even be chocolate.

Sex is all about words. Touch. Surrender.

Sex can be a bath together. Sex is foreplay, but more than that is melt ourselves in our partner’s hands like hot chocolate for strawberries.

Tips to enhance your sexual life:

  • Invest time in foreplay;
  • Discover your partner’s G spot;
  • Try to use appropriate toys for each other;
  • Build real intimacy staying connected to your partner;
  • Try new positions or at least use your fingers;
  • Don’t forget to be the real time partner and be there for him/her as a divine rock;
  • Your partner is your choice, respect it and feed that connection properly;
  • Be proud of your partner and wait for him/her naked to celebrate victories;
  • Cook your meals naked with just an apron;
  • Be your authentic self and be happy, life is too short to waste.

With love and respect,

Alexandra Santos

Em destaque

The Third Love Language: Gifts

One single gift acknowledged in gratefulness has the power to dissolve the ties of our alienation – David Steindl-Rast

Every time you buy a present for your partner, you always think about him/her?

What kind of thoughts do you have about him/her? For sure are loving thoughts.

When we give a gift to our partner doesn’t matter how expensive it is, are the symbol of love and our devotion to them.

One gift is the materialization of your thoughts and feelings.

Gifts can be bought, created or findings.

Remember, you don’t need a special occasion you need to feel its the right time and because you want to.

When you find out that your partner’s love language is receiving gifts, this is the best way to invest in your relationship.

  • You are going home from your workday you walk through a public garden with wildflowers, take one and offer to your girlfriend or wife. They will thank you for your gesture and be very happy.
  • Your boyfriend or husband just arrived at the home, and he seems exhausted let him sit on the couch and rebuilt his testosterone. Give him a kiss and his favorite drink.

Those small gestures can mean nothing, but in fact, change the whole dynamic of one relationship in an effective way.

So now as you must realize the keys words for this love language are:

  • Give something special or create with your hands something to offer to your partner;
  • Give them the gift of your presence. Give yourself to your partner and be with him/her in the present moment.
  • It doesn’t matter how much you spend in one gift what matters is the emotional investment you put on it.

If your partner’s love language is receiving gifts get ready for a magical change, and one amazing making love session.

I hope this helps you

see you next article,

Alexandra Santos

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The Second Language of love: Quality of Time

Time is currency of relationships. If you want to invest into your relationships start by investing your time – Dave Willis

As we all must know, contemporary society tells people to invest their time in mundane things.

We almost forgot the importance of nurturing our relationships as part of one successful life.

With this said, I launch the following questions:

  • When you got home from work, how much time you spent on your cell phone, computers, and other distractions?
  • Do you turn off your electronic devices and be fully present?
  • Argues because of social media and how much you check your cell phone tends to happen?
  • Did you know “the lack of time” is one of the main reasons for breakups?
  • Did you know the importance of saving 20 minutes of your day to look at your partner and ask everything about his/her?

Women are sensitive when we talk about a lack of time.

I can tell for myself.

As a woman, I know when my partner is fully present or away, even if his body is next to mine.

Being together is the focus of attention. Quality of time is all about being close and being close means being together in the full sense of the word. That’s why recent studies indicate that couples that started their relationship with someone from another country or long distance city value more the meaning of being together. They even tend to have more satisfying relationships because being in a long-distance relationship helps them to give value to details and little things that we don’t look with attention when we live in the same area.

In this love, language matters the emotional attention and investment you give to your partner.

The same happens when you have a quality conversation with your partner.

How often your girlfriend or wife talk about past issues?

Emotionally, we need to have a conversation with quality where our man gives his solidarity to our moment of pain and frustration. For that reason, we will bring old issues every time we are upset because of it still there. We didn’t feel heard.

Recognize,

Men are wired to provide solutions and solve issues as faster as they can.

Women are wired to talk about emotions to relieve tension.

This simple difference can damage your relationship. Why?

Men get angry when they see their partner upset and don’t know what to do. If old issues are brought to the table again, they will feel trapped and unease.

Tips to overcome the situation, for him:

  • Ask her questions;
  • Try to wear her shoes and don’t take it personally when she is upset;
  • Reassure her with your words and for sure with the right actions;
  • Don’t allow the situation to recur.

Tips to overcome the situation, for her:

  • Ask him how he feels;
  • Use the state “I” instead “You”;
  • Allow him to think about the situation;
  • Be vulnerable with him.

It’s all about time and the quality of it. Time, relationships require time.

As long as you can try to share quality activities with your partner, they will cover the memories account and will be useful in moments of tension and deception.

Memories are moments that we built with the other person, and with them, we understand why we cross the bridge together.

Tips to have a quality time together are:

  • Be together and stay together;
  • Quality conversation;
  • Learn how to talk;
  • Understand your type of personality;
  • Share quality activities together

I hope this help you!

see you next article,

Alexandra Santos

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The First Language of love: Affirmation Words

In today’s article I introduce you to the first language of Love: Affirmation Words.

Affirmation Words? What does this mean? One of the easiest and simplest ways to express our feelings and appreciation for someone is through words.

Words change lives and materialize whatever we want. With words, we can share with others our deep states of soul/mind. That’s the reason why we love so much literature and music.

Verbal compliments and gratitude words are powerful triggers when we talk about love.

Let me ask you one thing,

  • How many times do you compliment your partner?
  • How many times do you say thank you for the things he or she does to you?
  • How many times you say “I love you”?
  • How many times do you share your deep thoughts with your partner?
  • How many times instead of being fully present with your partner your attention is somewhere?
  • How many times do you turn off yourself from virtual activities to be only with your partner and listen to his/her ?

I’m not talking about fawning I’m talking about encouraging words. I’m talking about being in the present moment with the ones you chose to love.

With sincere words, we can inspire our partners to be better partners and better people.

In certain moments of life, we all feel insecure.

We may feel insecure because we are trying to find a new job because our partner doesn’t pay us the right attention or don’t ask us over the years what are our inspirations.

Yes, we should ask our partners what are their dreams and inspirations, because we change. With the right words, with the right tone, we can vanish our partner’s insecurities away.

Our partners may have some qualities and even desires that are asleep. Maybe the gift of your partner is waiting for your encouraging words to awake.

Remember, it’s encouragement, not pressure.

Why? Encouragement happens when your partner decides it’s time to give the first step, and so is the right timing where you have the opportunity to give your encouragement without it your words will seem like a judgment.

Many times what holds us back to attain something is the lack of courage.

Be the inspirational source for your partner. Be empathetic to his/her needs. Be authentic.

Only with empathy, we can see the world as our partner does.

Example:

Laura has been lately tired from work and would like to ask Garry to help her with kids and cook the dinner, but feels like he doesn’t listen to her.

Garry has been trying to lose weight and start his new book and feels no support from Laura feeling like she blames him all the time.

How can they change this situation and be more close to each other?

Laura can say: Garry, I had a horrible day today at work. Can you get ready kids for bed and give them dinner? I would love to spend some time alone with you to hear from you and share my thoughts.

Garry could say: Yes, sweetheart! I will do that for you and, I want to talk about what’s going on I may need your help. You are the only one I trust.

As we can see the way you ask something can change the final result.

Instead of saying: “You never do what I ask you to do!”

Say: “I know how much you care about me, can you do this favor for me, please? Thank you!

Instead of ignoring your partner and how he/she looks like, remember yourself to say to him/her:

  • You look so handsome tonight I remember how excited I was to meet for the first time, you had the same shirt.
  • I am so lucky to have such a woman like you by my side.

I know it may seem weird for you in the beginning, but in the long term, believe me, it will change completely your relationship and the way you look at your partner.

See you next article,

Alexandra Santos

Credits:

B&W Photo by Alexander Kliuchnyk

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THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option” – Mark Twain

In this article, I will introduce you for what are the 5 languages of love, and in the next articles how they influence the way you interact with your partner. It is important to convey a positive view of knowing our partners and not explore their vulnerabilities, or take power over them.  

As you must realize, we all have one favorite way to communicate with others and how we express our feelings to them. But do you know your love language?

It’s very rare that women and men have the same first emotional love language. 

You may face that your partner doesn’t fully understand you. You may have times where you feel completely disconnected. You may feel neglected or that your message doesn’t reach the other side.

I want to assure you that you can completely turn around the way you live your relationship and how you see your partner more than understand your first emotional love language you’ll get the right tools to understand and connect with your partner through his/her emotional love language.

Having a secure attachment style and being responsive to a partner’s needs leads to the outcome most couples desire long-term happiness, and satisfaction.

Photo by Anne-Claire Brunn

Knowing someone’s love language is like learning their true name, give you the insight into who they are deep down. For better or for worse. 

The first thing to recognize is that passion is what it is, temporary emotional peak, and after that, we will be able or not to develop love. Love another requires real work and real commitment. We are born, not for fall in love, but for being loved by someone as a conscious choice. 

Remember, you chose your partner because you see something valuable and a dignify quality to love. Intentional love.

Intentional love, real love is like a tank full of gold when the tank is full your partner feels safety to explore or express the inner self through the world.

When the tank is empty resentment will take place and poison the connection you share.  

The 5 love languages are:

1. Affirmation Words;

2. Quality of time;

3. Receive Presents; 

4. Ways to serve;

5. Physical touch;

Remember, love is a choice!

see you next article,

Alexandra Santos

Em destaque

THE PARADOX OF BEING TAKEN FOR GRANTED BY OUR PARTNER

“Do not take anything for granted—not one smile or one person or one rainbow or one breath, or one night in your cozy bed” Guillemots

If one hand, it’s true we shouldn’t take anything for granted in life, what about intimate relationships?
When it comes to intimate relationships, taking for granted, can be a paradox with a negative connotation.

Be in love or build a strong bond requires work from both parties and however illogical it can be this isn’t what happens many times.

Your partner gives “gifts” as inspiration for you to give more of your time and energy to the relationship but sadly see it as he or she will always be there for you.

No reciprocation will happen.

At this point, “taking for granted” is empathic neglect the needs of the other person which leads us to serious ethical questions.

As human beings, we need to feel appreciated and, not having feedback, in the long run, it can cause distress and discouragement.

More than “paid back” in kind, we need to feel that the other person is genuinely grateful for the vital role we play in their lives.

It’s also important to understand that they need to feel listened, taken seriously, or feel free to talk about frustrations they might experience in the relationship or life.

Being short and incisive they need to feel from us what, so preciously, they’ve given to us. 

Taken for granted can be seen as feeling used exploited cheated, and even betrayed.

How can those feelings be generated? 

Do you remember the courtship period? 

Courtship is all about the promise of true love, compassion, vulnerability, and support.

Looking at our intimate relationships, and admit that more than we wish our responsibility for not putting as much effort into nurturing each other as a good relationship demand is the first step towards success.

Relationships aren’t meant to keep you in a state of “I”  but to move forward into a state of “We”. 

Remember, no matter how well matched you and your partner may be, you need to put all your effort to keep it vibrant and alive. Don’t allow yourself and don’t expect the other person to row the boat alone. You are a team. Be thankful for the things that a person provides to you – energy, time, love, understanding. 

As a final note, I would like to say that the way we behave in our relationships has a direct association with our attachment style love language, and emotional wounds.

Love is to be consistent. Love is to be conscious.

Be your best self!

Love,

Alexandra Santos

credits:

Photo by Getty Images Stock

Em destaque

About Alexandra

I have to live my life with passion, and for sure one, my biggest passions are psychology and human behavior. That’s why, with 34 years old, I’m starting a new career and studying again. I can’t even believe I have 34 years old. (Laugh)

I started my professional path as a computer teacher and, now at the moment, I am an agricultural entrepreneur.

Over the years, I have noticed how hard it can be dealing with someone at an intimate level.

For many of us can be scary.

With Ouso Escrever, I would love to share with you professional information about relationships and how to explore our inner selves. We are all artists. We all have the power and concrete focus to change our lives and do something that we will be proud of in the future.

Why do this?

We all need some guidance sometimes. We all need to learn new tools. We all need to improve our skills.

Would love to connect with you.

Yes, you!

No matter who you are, I’m sure you are here for one reason. Let’s do it together.

I hope that you enjoy my articles, and give me your feedback about them.

Feel free to subscribe and let’s be wild and healthy crazy 😉

with love,

Alexandra Santos

Não Deixes a MRHK “Assassinar” a Mulher que És

© 2019 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved.

Para o artigo de hoje, gostaria de vos questionar se sabem o que significa MRKH, ou por outras palavras, Mayer-Rokitansky-Kuster-Hauser syndrome? Acredito que muitos não sabem, porque afinal esta é mais uma das muitas doenças que apesar de ser classificada como rara, não é tão rara como querem fazer acreditar. 1 em cada 5000 mulheres nasce com esta condição.

No mês de Junho num dos canais mais vistos da televisão Portuguesa foi abordado este tema, para mim, de forma leviana e superficial. Gostei do que vi? Não! Não gostei porque como referi o tema foi abordado de forma leviana e superficial, e porque me parece que temas sérios que envolvem questões de saúde não devem ser retratados tendo por base de abordagem, quase única e exclusivamente, interrogatório de foro íntimo. Tudo isto numa óptica de ganhar audiências.

A comunicação social desde sempre que desempenha um papel fundamental na mobilização de massas, mas creio, que falha redondamente em transmitir uma informação precisa e fidedigna que esclareça o público.

Infelizmente, o síndrome de Rokitansky, é visto como algo terrível, e sim, leva muitas mulheres ao suicídio se estas não forem devidamente acompanhadas. Há 20 anos não dispúnhamos da informação que temos actualmente, e a comunidade médica não tinha sensibilidade para lidar com estes casos em especifico. Os diagnósticos eram feitos sem qualquer tipo de filtro ou cuidado na forma como se transmitia a informação à paciente. O síndrome de Rokitansky é detectável na ausência da primeira menstruação ou na dificuldade de penetração da vagina durante o coito devido a uma obstrução do canal vaginal.

Ora, e porque falamos de adolescentes sobretudo, era vulgar os médicos dizerem que estas futuras mulheres não eram completas, nunca seriam mães ou teriam vidas sexuais satisfatórias. Pergunto, qual o impacto destas palavras, ditas tantas vezes abruptamente, na auto-estima e nos sonhos destas jovens?

Actualmente, apesar de todos os desenvolvimentos técnicos e de toda a informação disponível, continua a existir um silêncio ensurdecedor, falta de apoio e de mais divulgação sobre a doença.

Para explicar e simplificar a síndrome de Rokitansky, encontra-se dividida em dois tipos:

Tipo 1: afecta apenas o sistema reprodutor da mulher. Pode existir ou não ausência de utero ou canal vaginal, mas os ovários funcionam normalmente.

Tipo 2: É o mais severo, as pacientes costumam experienciar anomalias na formação óssea, na posição ou formação dos rins, perda de audição e problemas cardíacos.

Como já referi a falta de informação e suporte, o silêncio e vergonha em torno desta condição leva muitas jovens a estados depressivos, suicídio, e ainda ao sentimento de não se sentirem merecedoras de serem amadas ou de viverem uma vida saudável sem correntes. Para mim, o real problema existe na forma como a sociedade lida com estas questões, questões que são consideradas “anormais”.

Apesar de toda a informação disponível, é interessante verificar a quase não existência de literatura que elucide estas mulheres sobre as reais probabilidades de serem mães biológicas. Sim, é possível!

Apesar do teu diagnóstico és uma mulher inteira, podes ser mãe e ter relacionamentos satisfatórios. A ciência, felizmente, oferece hoje em dia várias opções para se ter um bebé biológico, como os tratamentos IFV, e deixa-me que te diga que estúpido é o homem que não quer estar contigo porque nasceste com uma condição sobre a qual não tiveste controlo.

Desculpa, Rokitansky não te define como mulher. Tu és muito mais que um nome ou um problema de saúde.

O que a maioria da população não percebe e devia, é que esta doença, que é tratável, dá à mulher que a vive robustez psicológica e resiliência que poucos conseguiram entender ou ter. Tornamos-nos seres humanos de verdade quando somos confrontados com situações que testam os nossos limites.

Não aceites ser tratada como uma coitadinha.

Trata-te com respeito e observa toda esta situação como algo que te dá poder, o poder de viveres a tua vida sem limites.

O instituto de Biociência molecular, da universidade de Queensland, Australia, está a levar a cabo uma investigação para identificar as causas genéticas ligadas ao desenvolvimento da doença de Rokitansky.

Como escrevi já em alguns do meus artigos, devemos educar a sociedade. Por esse mesmo motivo qual é a razão ou importância de se fazer questões íntimas às entrevistadas na televisão? Se a grande maioria compreendesse o funcionamento do cérebro humano perceberia que aquilo que a nossa mente foca, aumenta. Seja isto bom ou mau. Faço-me entender? Dizer em pleno programa de televisão que se nasceu sem vagina leva a interpretações dúbias e erróneas. É tempo de termos cuidado com as palavras e de contextualizar as situações devidamente.

Para te ajudares e para ajudares lembra-te da importância de procurares ajuda profissional. Volto a reforçar a importância de não deixares que te tratem como uma coitadinha ou como inferior.

Sê feliz!

Alexandra