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The Neediness Trap: Set Yourself Free

Although some individuals are inherently needy because of past traumatic events and lack emotional support from family members or peers, there is a common explanation that says you might be a needy person while searching for answers as a way to understand your reality.

The neediness trap is used by those who want to avoid confrontation. And assume responsibility for the consequences of their behavior, making you feel guilty and question the reality of the facts. As I mentioned in previous articles, the human brain isn’t designed to deal with nonsense, requiring as much information as possible to feel secure in the surrounded environment. So when you see someone acting like crazy searching for an explanation, before any judgment, ask yourself why this person needs so much an answer and what might be the reason behind it.

We hear, all the time, everyone talking about physical violence, but emotional abuse is more prevalent than we imagine leading to deep mental confusion.

If someone denies your reality, it is abuse. If someone is calling you needy or too sensitive, it is abuse. Lack of emotional education and emotional responsibility towards another human being is abuse. Does everyone do this consistently or consciously? In many cases, no! But, how many more years will you live? What do you need to feel safe in your relationships, workplaces, and social life?

Keep this in mind: You are here to live your experience to the fullest, not to be the clown of somebody else’s circus.

With love,

Alexandra

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Adult Conjugality

Sometimes I’m sitting at coffee shops, and I listen to people talking about their personal lives. Intimate relationships are almost, if not always, the best topic to hear, leading afterward to moments of self-reflection. I may wonder why, even though I know the reason, people remain single. I’m talking about those who know to make a relationship work and how to sustain it. These days there is so much lack of clarity, so much scarcity of inner direction, that it may take courage to stand out from the crowd. It takes courage to tell somebody – “I want you!” or “I love you!”.

Entire generations live confined looking at the screens of their smartphones. Perhaps, they have multiple dating apps, which is an addiction eroding the power of getting to know someone. Funny how “John” or “Mary” says they want to receive or give love. But run away from it or can’t verbalize their loving preferences.

What about casual sex? Why, even if you search on the internet, the top questions are “he/she pulled away after having sex, what should I do?” or ” How can I make him/her chase me, after sex?”. Why do those questions happen in what we call modern society? Why do we want someone to chase us? Chase? Why chase? And why do we need shortcut pieces of advice? Or buy stupid books with no scientifically proven facts of human psychology and biology?
Because part of us, based on fear, wants to dismiss the responsibility of taking care of another human being, while the other fragment of us still wants to attach.

So, you may ask, what is then adult conjugality? It is the art of into me you see shadows and lighting personality traces. We are the perfect mirrors of those who interact with us intimately. We mirror their scarcities and their strengths. So at the end of the day, I ask you, why do we need someone to chase us? Aren’t you tired of avoidant intimacy games? Aren’t you exhausted of false hopes and interpretations when using direct communication is the key?

Allow yourself to escape restrictive-painful stories about what is correct or not. It’s your prerogative to decide what’s best for you and your life. Some people remain single and even avoid dating altogether because of nonsense tiredness around partner selection.

Adult conjugality requires focus, understanding, and time. Time to cement feelings of mutuality and companionship.

With love,

Alexandra

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You had Sex with Him, but Something Changed!

DISCLAIMER: THE INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY, CAN GO BOTH WAYS, AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE.

Let’s say you met this man, interactions made you feel good, going out with him was incredible, and consciously, you decided to have sex with him. However, after having sex, a shift occurred. Maybe he doesn’t interact with you like before, perhaps he disappeared, or worst-case scenario, you are beating yourself up regretting your decision.

Darling, stop right there!

First of all: You slept with him. OWN IT!

Secondly: These days, let’s be honest, men and women are preloaded with bad experiences from their past, waiting for your craziness to come out at any moment. Plus, there is not much incentive for exclusivity.

Thirdly: Although there is a biological reason for this situation, I would like you not to chase or wonder why he disappeared. You must feel good about yourself and understand that we cannot control the outcome. We can only control our actions and feelings.

Biologically speaking, when we have sex with a man, our estrogen and oxytocin levels reach a peak, promoting the bonding or attachment process to that person specifically. So, after sex, we will crave his attention and interactions as an animal survival instinct. Remember that we are humans but animals at the same time.

However, for men or some men, it works differently. They will pursue because they like us, are attracted to us at least physically. But also, there is this inherent need to spread genes. After having sex, men’s testosterone levels will drop, and estrogen will be too high. Unless sex addiction is on the equation on his side, there will be the need to pull away to rebuild their normal levels of testosterone and perhaps, after, come back to you.

Meanwhile, I don’t want you to beat yourself up thinking that he disappeared because he didn’t like the sex with you or because you didn’t have time to build an emotional connection with him. Endorse your sexuality and desire with no shameful thoughts and if he does not return to your interaction, wish him well and let it go.

Do not put your life on hold. Don’t change your vibe or try to punish him with selfish and crazy games taught all over the internet. Respect and own your decision, never losing from your sight who you are. By this, you will not chase him because you know that people can change their minds. You had sex with him because you liked him. And you know what? His loss if he disappears.

Endorse your sexuality and desire with no shameful thoughts. You slept with the Guy. OWN IT!

With love,

Alexandra

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Why Can’t You Find a Partner?

It might sound like a silly question, and perhaps you keep telling yourself that it is just bad luck. Well, maybe you want a situationship or a non-monogamous dynamic, but what about if you want a monogamous and long-term relationship?

Let’s forget the “bad luck” justification and bring to the table the real reason: the idea that you deserve to be punished.

Did you ever have this nausea feeling when you heard from kind people sincere eulogies? But at the same time, you felt compelled to chase mean-minded partners? Did you ever ask yourself the reason why you tend to repel great people but feel great excitement around those who don’t call you back or don’t invest their time genuinely getting to know you? Are you an adult now?

To answer those questions above, one of the reasons might be your childhood roots. But if going back can threaten your feelings, we can start from something more simple like asking: “Why I don’t like John or Kelly, even knowing that they are attractive and so kind to me?”. “What do I want from a relationship, and what is a romantic interaction to me?”.

Bring the answer to your conscious mind, take a deep breath, and read now my words: You deserve a real and trusting, loving romantic connection.

Kind people are generally very far from dull or stupid. In reality, affectionate people are very attuned with their emotions. And easily can see what you don’t observe about yourself: your uniqueness!

The moment you sit down, bringing to your conscious mind what you need to change, it is precisely the moment that you will stop chasing unavailable people. Sometimes all we need is a moment of clarity and profound loneliness to understand our patterns and inner unavailability to accept realness and kindness.

How do I know this? Well, from psychology and life experience.

Let me add something more here: If your vagina is receiving a penis, or you are inserting a penis in one vagina, YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO ASK WHERE THE RELATIONSHIP IS GOING AND IF YOU ARE ON THE SAME PAGE!

It is healthy and expected to label a relationship. But be sure that you do that with available people. With men and women who can see you and accept whatever you possess within. By removing your body and mind from what feels comfortable, you are opening new doors, new possibilities, and trust me, looking at kindhearted individuals will be a brand newish thrilling experience.

With love,

Alexandra

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Should You Talk About Your Past With Your Partner? Yes, but Not as You Think!

One of the main principles for an intimate relationship to develop appropriately is vulnerability. Within vulnerability clothing, both partners will share their authentic selves, build trust and construct the central point of intimacy.

However, many people struggle with the timing and how to disclose past experiences to their significant other. 

Should you talk about your past with your partners? Yes, but not as you think! 

It is essential for you to feel safe to share your past, but most importantly, sharing isn’t equal to vomiting. When we get to know someone, vetting or dating, it is easy to follow up all the excitement at the beginning of one relationship and share too much too soon. 

These days people use their first dates not to ask key questions for selection but to share hurdles and hurtful past experiences, establishing comparisons to previous connections. 

I’m sorry, bebé! You are doing it all wrong! 

Here are the reasons: 

  1. When you share right away your hurdles and hurtful experiences, you are showing up emotional unavailability. 
  2. You don’t allow the other person to conquer the right to know your story.
  3. Sharing your past annihilates the person who you are in the present. 

When should you share your past, and how to share it?

  1. You should share your past gradually, without sordid details, within a relationship. It will make you feel closer to your partner.

  2. Remember to tell how those experiences impacted you positively and how you overcame them.

  3. If you have mental health problems (bipolar, depression, chronic anxiety, etc), be sure to use them not as an excuse to escape the relationship or discard your partner. But because you want them to know what’s going on with you, genuinely. Be prepared to answer all the questions and educate them to deal with you when in a crisis. 

  4. You have to feel safe, and you are the only one who knows when is the right timing to share.

  5. Understand if your partner has empathy and is willing to share also something significant. A partner with trust issues is someone who will never be able to share crucial details of their lives with us. 

It is impressive how people use the word “honesty” to disrespect others. When someone shares with you that they have mental health problems and disappear, that’s disrespectful.
If you share details of your life and your partner share those details with family or friends, that’s disrespectful. 
The same rule applies to those who come strong after you and then disappear, for now, reappearing again later. It is disrespectful.

Be wise to use the vetting process adequately and do not fall into unnecessary dating traps. And yes, delay sex as much as possible, not because you are playing hard to get, but for your mental and emotional safety.

With love,

Alexandra

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‘Thirty Heaven’

It is my birthday today, ‘Thirty Heaven’ voyages in what seems to be, at least for now, a short life. 

I could write a lot, I could. But one of the greatest lessons that I will carry no matter where I go is, as long as we are pure enough, life will never throw us apart from our final destiny. It Might sound poetic, but it is what it is. Never judge a beautiful face without knowing the story behind it. Dive deep and be curious. Remove yourself from the so-called comfort zone. Embrace people who possess the brilliant understanding of bringing new oxygen into your life. Yes, the ones who are vocal about their opinions and want to teach you new lessons… with those, you will grow. 

I am the Wonder Woman outside the big screen. I am who I am, a butterfly. The tall chick who used to climb trees when she was a child. The little girl who used to play with animals on her farm. I still have alive within me the little girl that I was. Perhaps that’s why I look young. 

Beauty doesn’t require editions or filters. But it does demand attitude and character. Behind every material beauty, there is a heartfelt story. No likes, comments, or virtual ambiances can ever replace genes’ power and the warmth of human blood running through veins. 

Perfection doesn’t exist. It is a utopia that everyone wants to sell you all the time. If you can, don’t buy it. Don’t be another slave without conscience in this chaotic neverland. Be free with authenticity. Be the bird in the sky and the lion on earth. Just Be. Be because that is why you are here. 

Be the love you want to receive. Be the flame of a sacred heart. 

Ah… Happy Birthday, Alexandra, for your 37 springs.  

Happy Birthday, Wonder Woman. It is your 80th anniversary, eighty years feeding the imagination of many people around the world. 

With love,

Alexandra 

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Live by Design, Not by Default

I was unquestionably in what, I can recall, the journey towards my rejuvenated existence. The ride between heaven and hell where I could only rely on myself, on my routine and intuition to feel safe. I saw so much bullshit, so much unnecessary drama and unfairness, that it was my decision to let it go. 
Inevitably, humans perceived as solid don’t receive much support from others, maybe because they don’t know how to ask for help. Perhaps they do know how to fix things and don’t want others to get involved. 

I could find impressive mentalities who are still today my close friends. I found love. Love was gone. But within the waves of my unintelligible sorrow, I managed to swim to dry land. After all, I am a mixture between one wild animal and a diva. Everyone should be themselves and only themselves. 

Our today’s world scares the hell of me, and believe when I say that few are the things that can scare me. One way or another, all I see is pretension. The world pretends to be something while giving labels to categorize people. Men and women these days aren’t unchained. They don’t know what freedom is and what they call freedom, I call silent slavery. Look at the numbers of suicide and see how many men kill themselves every single day. Suicide is the red line, the line to the other side away from where existence steals oxygen. 

We live absolutely in dimensional hypocrisy, where the words patriarch and feminism circulate from one mouth to another to justify behaviors and erratic visions of life. Men aren’t the same. And I wish that some men could have better mothers and families because it does make the difference. I wish women could stop behaving as serial production models but only be themselves without following fashionable. Or ‘market’ thought tendencies. 
Relationships these days fail because one or both partners lives the fantasy of economic romance – I am only with you as long as you don’t give much trouble because otherwise, I will exchange you for another product – a repetitive cycle. 

Wouldn’t it be easy to calm down and look inwards? Wouldn’t it be easy to stop being so desperate to have someone, to have sex, to have a trophy as manners to justify apparent invincibility? Why the need to be like everybody else when everyone is inherently different? 

With this brief reflection, I invite everyone to the following exercise: Find a moment of loneliness and think about people you met once who were facing troubled moments. Ask yourself if you were there for them. Ask yourself if you left them based on your fears and why. What about yourself? How much are you there for your own self? How many times have you abandoned yourself? Why do you want to please other people, and why can’t you deal with your inevitable loneliness? 

Psychologically structured individuals do not come from an easy life. But because with suffering, one grows. 

That’s all I have for today.

x

Alexandra

Credits:

Photography: ©2021 Alexandra Santos

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The Rising Sun

I have learned (like always has been) a lot about myself in these last two years. It seemed like somehow I felt that I died and, in truth, I let myself die. I allowed it to happen, the death. Death arrived. The death of some parts of myself that I didn’t want to deal with anymore. The death of one life that didn’t make sense to live anymore. A scream that I felt almost every day daunting deep inside me saying – “dawn”. It has been my journey. Live and die. Revive and love. It isn’t fatalism but reality, an overwhelming commotion, a punch in my soul that left a dent. A breath of unease that said – ‘wakeup’.

I have been writing a lot lately, organizing my thoughts, organizing my heart. Organizing my life, organizing myself in what seems to be for all of us one of the biggest challenges of subsistence the need to find security.

Some might surrender themselves or settle down for something else. But that, that wouldn’t be good to my spirit. I don’t renounce. I don’t accept what I don’t want, and this is not a matter of intensity. But just an enormous need of living.

I don’t have loose parts to offer, neither portions of other people who passed through my life and faded away for some reason. I have myself. That’s what I have, authenticity.
After so much inner turmoil where I had to send myself through the death of my spirit, I might say now that I finally found my way back home, the conviction of being free, the certainty of finding my feeling again.

I love who can touch my soul and my body. Maybe one day we will meet. The unknown who will surprise. The undisclosed who, perhaps, had such a long journey like me and like lighthouses we will find each other. No worries, no hurries. I can not understand people who jump from one relationship to another after saying so many times, ‘I love you’s.’ Maybe living a fantasy or trying to find themselves in the middle of nowhere.

Gladly I still see the sun rising. Gladly I am alive.

And this is what I may call emotional intelligence walking alongside intellectual maturity.

x

Alexandra

Credits:

Photography: ©2021 Alexandra Santos

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Letting You Go

Funny how everything is gone
feelings, the woman I used to be
How I used to see and feel you
Goodbye without dwelling it on.

I loved you, never faked it
neither, lied about it
Felt my heart ripped in your hands, baby
a lump cutting off my throat, I admit.

Was it wasting my time?
I can’t remember, I can’t describe
On a golden plate, I gave it all.
I thought it was love for a lifetime.

I Didn’t want you to save me
even though sometimes I felt in the dark.
Dissolving my soul between the dust,
rebuilding what I was supposed to be.

For you, maybe, I was a vicious passage.
Temporary stamina to help you found out
how true love can be such a great voyage.
It was my way back home with courage.

I could let you go. It was over
I want you to find your way back home
True love, genuine sentimental investment
translucent without frontier.

Missing you, somehow, for the rest of my existence.
Transmuting what was love into a memory
I hope you know, with honor I will.
Goodbye, my love with, one sentence.

Goodbye.

© 2021 Alexandra Santos. All rights reserved.

Photo: © Jennifer Williams
Check out Jennifer’s work on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jenniferwilliams.__/
and her’s official website: https://jenniferwilliams.com

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Embracing

There is no reason to love me like a fool
drowning in suspicious waters of despair
When the world tries to tear us apart
let’s dance within the magic cool.

People love to talk about love,
some are good writing words of it
but what about living?
Who dares to embrace the divine undreamed of?

Emotional prostitution denies
the outstanding power of affection
against the scarcity of whimsical flavors
where your tongue, my love, lies.

Silence is a lie when you have something to say
revealing immaturity and emotional disturbance
immortal vulnerability fear, I shouldn’t be here
saying goodbye might be the only way to getaway.

Love isn’t compatible with digital solitude
although, it might be good for your ego mood
remember that I am flesh and bones, not your clone.
Just a soul, a human being to be embrued.

There is no reason to love me like a fool
drowning in suspicious waters of despair
When the world tries to tear us apart
let’s dance within the magic cool.

Action and realness are love.
Let me be me because all I need is the real you.
My love.

© 2021 Alexandra Santos. All rights reserved.

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She Remembers

In the middle of the sky where birds fly high 
Where love is divine. Where touch is the prime. 
I am a swallow bird dressed in black and white 
falling from the ethereal paradise where was my mind. 

Here is the fall, the autumn leaves coloring my path. 
Who am I today? Who will I be tomorrow? 
No grey areas. No grey decisions. 
You and me, black and white. 

In the middle of the sky where birds fly high 
Where love is divine. Where touch is the prime. 
I am a swallow bird dressed in black and white 
falling from the ethereal paradise where was my mind. 

Dare to touch the deepness of my soul 
Undressing my unrealistic childish thoughts 
Dancing the last dance, the pleasure of your scent 
surrounding my pounding fragile heart. 

In the middle of the sky where birds fly high 
Where love is divine. Where touch is the prime. 
I am a swallow bird dressed in black and white 
falling from the ethereal paradise where was my mind. 

The last goodbye kiss, is this our goodbye? 
You and I the forging force of lovers 
with so much unsaid and undone. 
I remember. I will remember. 

You. My love. 

© 2021 Alexandra Santos. All rights reserved.

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Are You an Intimidating Woman? No! Just a Fragile and Stronger Human Being.

They come in all shapes and sizes, but some of them share something in common, the ‘stigmatization’ of being intimidating for men. I wonder, as a woman, what does it mean. What does being intimidating mean? When someone tells you they are attracted to you but afraid, what does it mean?

Let’s remove the so used cultural cliche and take the bull by the horns.

Firstly let’s deny the sexist idea that women are intimidating and men afraid of them.

Let’s learn that our early experiences about love mold the way we perceive relationships, men and women, intimacy, and all of us, in our deepest core, we do need to be seen and heard without judgments. Let’s stop feeding magazines or Hollywood fantasies and fast recipes about You, I, and us should behave. Let’s return to what is ‘important’ and connect to what matters.

When we carry inside the idea that we are intimidating to men, we are not only denying upfront the power of connection but killing our chances of showing up entirely, eroding the proposition of vetting/dating someone to understand if they fit our life. Fear and shame are the common reasons why we tend to sabotage relationships even before their flourishment.

On the other side of the fence, I would like to warn men about something beautiful, the opportunity to discover another human being different from what they have experienced before. By this, I mean that before hasty conclusions, allow yourself to experience and feel what comes with that so-called intimidated woman. Ask her about her story. What’s the story behind her. Yes, you will shake inside. Yes, you will think about her all the time. Allow it to happen. That’s the process of getting to know each other.

Are we as intimidating and inaccessible as you think? No! And we don’t have a vast list of men waiting for us. Actually, to be honest, we are so tired of dealing with men full of themselves who behave in a passive-aggressive mode that we want a man who can hold us, and in the process, willing to show up entirely his scars, his vulnerabilities, the man we can trust. Perhaps, at first glance, we are emitting a non-clear signal of what we want. Maybe we don’t know how to verbalize it. Mayhap we want to make it right with you. However, we want to be free with you. Laugh, feel, live outside the daily life pressure. Is this supernatural to ask for?

From an evolutionary perspective, Intimidating women are, in fact, women who know what they want and where they stand. Therefore, they have come a long way, perhaps like you, and now they wear their skin with pleasure. Intensity, Sovereignty, denying the need to prove to anybody else who they are. But they want to reveal it to you. You are attracted to them because your primitive instinct tells you that she is a good match, but afraid because societal norms claim she will clash with your ego. What is crucial for you? Well-being and mental health or following the normative conclusion of what is best for you?

As women, we need to share our feelings, our attractions, name them and claim them. We need to approach the man we would like to know, invite him to go out, and let him understand that we are approachable, letting him know that we are fully capable of receiving a no as an answer. And rejection is part of the process.

As men, you need to understand and ask yourself before anything else. If you are ready to meet that ‘intimidating’ woman, after all, she is a fragile and normal person. Maybe she looks like the moon, and you are the sun, but what else?

The most rewarding experiences come from different people who can align themselves in life together. Remember, perhaps tomorrow we might not be here, so as long as we are, be sure to surpass yourself to the point where the one you love will continue his or her’s prosperity even in your absence. Because you nurtured their individuality and saw who they were despite their ‘malfunctions’.

We are humans. We are fragile beings.

With love,

Alexandra

Credits:

Photo ©Carlos Gomes – 2020

‘Stronger’ w/ Carol V.

Follow Carlos work on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carlogomes/

Follow Film School on Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/c/filmschoolmusic1/videos

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Freedom to Love Begins Within.

Sadly, Today, we don’t know how to date anymore. We run away from love and people who turn on our deepest desires like we are running from the plague. We run away and dismiss people who easily can intuit from where we are coming from. A kind of flight that later, in some cases, might causes regrets. Would it be better to assume that we have no education for love and, perhaps, help is needed? We love in small doses waiting for something wrong to happen. Isn’t this a way to block the passage of love?

Well, perhaps it is wise to claim that love cannot be live in installments. That love is different from sexuality, even though it exists in love. We live in a blind state of mind and soul numbness, negating pleasure. Only pleasure can set us free. But do not confuse pleasure with bodies replacement or the so used expression ‘I’m open-minded.

Freedom begins within, and only with it can you experience real love and pleasure.

Think about it.

With love,

Alexandra

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Do We Really Need Dating Games? – World Sexual Health Day

Tomorrow, Saturday, September 4th, is World Sexual Health Day. So today, I am bringing this topic inviting all of you for a moment of self-reflection. Do we need dating games to love and receive love adequately? Aren’t games, exactly, what keeps us apart from getting the love we want and need?

Portugal is now the first country in the world to officially recognize the WSHD as a National day, which is the culmination of a solid legislative path recognizing sexual health as a fundamental part of human being satisfaction.

Sex is part of our lives, but sexual health is related not only to intercourse but to the quality of our interactions, emotions, and physical/emotional well-being. Although, living in the twenty-one century. With so much technology and information around, humanity has become lazy when self-care and emotional is required. Infertility, sexual pathologies, and how to create harmonious relationships seem to be taboo for many. What are we afraid of?

Sex is a primitive instinct that no species is alien to. Through physical connection, the emotional bond between people is also strengthened. And even casual sex has an impact on our biology. We can’t deny it. We can’t deny that we need to connect deeply with one another, even though some are masters at suppressing this need and associated emotions.

Today, if you know someone who struggles with infertility issues, sexual disease, or other sexual health issues, make a phone call letting them know you care.

Educate yourself as much as you can about everything related to sexual health. But also how to build better relationships and be the emotional leader in them.

What does sex mean to you? What does mean being in a partnership? What are your deepest fears around intimacy, and why do you have them? What are the painful stories you are telling yourself over and over again around men, women, sex, relationships, and intimacy?

Are you following a script or following an open field where self-expression is possible? Scripts limits our potential and capacity to think out borders.

We have at least 90 years of credits to live. Please, live it wisely without constrictions or thinking about if acceptance by peers will be granted. Do not ever take anyone for granted, and be sure that from them. You learned the best.

Now, I invite you to look at Susan Winter’s video, where she shares an amazing explanation on how and why we should stop playing emotional games in dating.

Happy and educational world Sexual Health day,

Alexandra

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I Wanna Love You… But I Don’t by Ben Platt

In our lives course, we will meet people who wanted to love us, but for whatever reason, they couldn’t.
I wanna love you, but I don’t – a Ben’s Platt single is very similar to the quote – “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.

Click in the image to see Ben’s I wanna love you, but I don’t – music Video.

The song itself describes well the internal struggle of someone who wants to love the person in front of their eyes, but for whatever reason, they can’t. Some might tell that the spark isn’t there, but what is spark anyway? Others might understand or see your love as a foreign language harsh to comprehend. Or perhaps they don’t have any reason because you are just everything they ever wanted.

“I think it sucks that you’re perfect
‘Cause you’re not perfect for me
And though you kill me with kindness
It ain’t the kind that I need
I know we look good on paper
Until you give us a read
‘Cause when we pull back the curtains
There ain’t a whole lot to see”

We are indoctrinated since a young age by movies, songs, and role models that love is an automatic response. That we must find the perfect person, the soulmate, “the one”, and everything will flow. We aren’t taught or teaching our children how to deal with frustration. Different points of view, general differences on how to approach daily life matters.

Sadly, the rule now is if there is a difference, then the other person isn’t the right fit for us.

Wrong!

We attract what we need to grow. Why would someone want to date or get married to someone similar? Some might do it and later regret it, but the general population seeks trait variety.


When strong attraction happens between two individuals, this means that together they bring the necessary conditions for growth and evolution. However, what happens down the road is one will get scared and pull away because of the other. Unresolved wounds, attachment styles, lack of communication skills, family and friends interference will turn what was, in the beginning, a good relationship, a nightmarish place with almost no oxygen to survive.

“And I’m not trying to change you
But it’s just not in the stars
I know there’s somebody out there
To love you just as you are
When you finally find that someone who fits you right
You’rе gonna see I couldn’t be him
No matter how hard I try
I know I wanna love you but I-
I wanna lovе you but I”

In verse 2, Ben sings that the relationship isn’t in the stars, and someone out there will love his partner for the way that person is. Although this might sound beautiful to read and hear is notorious the dismissive behavior relegating responsibility to somebody else and describing that a relationship will only work out if written in the stars. And because it wasn’t written in the stars, of course, he didn’t try harder even if he says he did.

What does it mean to try hard to love someone or create a relationship? Does it mean to learn our partner’s love language? Does it mean to get out of our comfort zone and communicate our needs and desires adequately? Does it mean to love the other person not as we want, but as they want and need? These are the questions that I have for you today.

Every song has something to teach if we read and listen to it with intelligence. For those of you who heard the “I wanna love you, but I don’t” or “I love you, but I’m not in love with you”, remember that it is not your responsibility to change someone’s mind or feelings.

Do you feel you did your best? If so. Put your eyes on the horizon, allow yourself to feel the pain because that’s what emotionally intelligent individuals do. Then keep moving, and believe. After all the challenges, there is always something better waiting for you, a love made of real love with someone, who like you, went through many other challenges but is ready now to love and receive love. 

With love,

Alexandra

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IF You Are a Woman, Never Make This Mistake!

I saw a post this morning on Facebook that made me think about how fragile relationships are at the moment. Without question, technology changed the way we related to one another, but when online interactions go too far, what can we do about it? How far is too far? What should you accept and not accept? 

The post was about women who send private messages to other women on social media, asking them to block their partners. The main reason behind it was their partners were liking and interacting too much with those unknown women. 

However, let’s be clear and realistic, the real reason behind it is this: 

THESE WOMEN AND THEIR NEEDS AREN’T MET IN THEIR’S RELATIONSHIPS, WHICH IS EMOTIONAL ABANDONMENT! 

Never under any circumstance send a private message to another woman because of your partner’s behavior online. 

Do this instead:

  1. Ask yourself the real reason why his online behavior makes you feel uncomfortable;

  2. Ask yourself if that behavior is passing over your fundamental core believes. If so, why are you still with that person?

  3. Did you talk with your partner about how and why it makes you feel uncomfortable? What was his response? Did he understand or acted defensively? People tend to consider online interactions nonimportant or inoffensive. However, micro-cheating is a real thing. Micro-cheating is characterized by small actions that hover the mutually agreed upon boundaries in your relationship. It can be forging emotionally and sexually charged relationships with someone else outside the primary relationship.

  4. Another thing to consider is Thomas’s theorem in which, “If a person perceives a situation as real, it is real in its consequences”. In other words, if you feel or see the situation as wrong, it’s because internally, the perceived situation goes against what you believe. But does it allow to message another woman? No! 

Fundamentally the situation described here happens because there is a sense that an agreed-upon relationship standard has been intentionally violated, leading to an obvious human response

It’s easy to call someone jealous or crazy, even though it might be the case because emotionally unhealthy people exist. We have to think that the person is in distress and reacting to a perceived real threat.

The reality is men and women are spending too much time online and not cultivating their relationships correctly. The other side of the coin is that now everything is allowed and normalized, leading to permissive behaviors and blaming the uncomfortable partner for calling out those behaviors.

Never ask another woman to block your partner. Never call them names. Instead, have a calm but serious conversation with him about the situation. If he responds defensively and blames you for being too sensitive or dramatic, consider leaving the relationship. We should be with someone who makes us feel safe and comfortable.

I experienced a situation with similar outlines. The person I was dating sent me a screenshot from a conversation he had with another girl, where she sent him another screenshot where another girl said she wanted to get married to him.

The relationship fell apart after this episode because I couldn’t trust him. Some people might perceive the interaction as funny, but I didn’t. It was childish but at the same time showed me how intrusive people are. And how much they love to create drama around.

However, at the end of the day, it only happened because he ALLOWED it to happen and, of course, had consequences.

With love,

Alexandra

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How to Transform Your Relationship with an Anxious Preoccupied Partner?

In the previous article, I brought the attachment style theory again to the table, mixing it with love languages and core human needs as it has the power to explain how we are and why our relationships unfold the way they do.


Today, I will describe how you can transform your relationship with an anxious preoccupied partner using the same principles while shifting errant perspectives about your anxious partner. Because what seems to be a clingy or needy behavior is, in reality, a request to experience safety and love connection.

Before we dive in, I would like to clarify that attachment styles are genderless. You can meet avoidant men or women, anxious men or women. And although human behavior is not the rule of three in mathematics, we can experience a persistent set of patterns of each attachment style with more or less severity.

Anxious preoccupied partners, because of multiple factors they experience a hard time feeling secure in their relationships. A parent with inconsistent parenting behaviors, a bad intimate relationship, divorce, or even bullying experiences at school over the years may contribute to this attachment style development. For this reason, men or women with anxious attachment styles are emotionally attuned with others, tend to be excellent caregivers but disconnect within themselves and their’s own emotions or needs. Long-term, and because of their inability to talk about how they feel and want (afraid of rejection and abandonment), waves of resentment may arise, creating roller coaster relationships.

Love language for Anxious Preoccupied Partners:


Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, and Quality time. Why?
Because they need to be sure that they matter and are the priority to their partners. It is inconsistent behaviors and lack of clarity that make these individuals anxious. In a simple scheme, when there is a lack of those love languages in their relationships, past traumatic suppressed events will replay, igniting the fight or flight response. 

Clinginess, jealously, mood swings, hypervigilance, worries, and seeking constant reassurance are just a few examples of how they will respond to emotional threats to their intimate relationships. 

The principal basic human needs to be fulfilled for anxious preoccupied individuals are Love and Connection, Certainty and Significance.

For this reason, if you are the anxious preoccupied partner, I highly recommend this:

  1.  Give them ongoing assurance that you care and love them.
  2. Follow through with your promises.
  3. Give them undivided attention when they need to talk or are in distress.
  4. Protect and stand by their side when they have a hard time managing their emotions during stressful events. 
  5. Encourage them to be aware of their behaviors and lead them to self-reflection.
     
  6. Set up your boundaries, and be sure to leave if the relationship is toxic. But before leaving, explain to them why you can’t continue because even with this action, you are reprogramming their mind giving them a new input. The input that they matter and are worthy of respect.

If you are the anxiously attached individual, follow these steps:

  1. Work with a therapist or relationship counselor to change your communication style.
  2. Learn how to speak your truth, communicating your needs and wantings but also meeting them by yourself. 
  3. Be in touch with your emotions, and when you experience anxiety or insecurity, ask yourself why. What was the boundary crossed? Are your fears of being abandoned blinding you? Are you in the right relationship? 
  4. Stay away from dating while moving towards a more secure attachment. Anxiously attached individuals tend to date and have long-term relationships with dismissive avoidants. A dismissive-avoidant partner won’t be a good partner for you unless he or she is doing the work to become more secure. As I explained before, dismissive-avoidant partners tend to push people away and use deactivating strategies to pull away from intimacy and relationships.

Nothing is set in stone, and as adults, we can change our lives and relational dynamics to a better place. Lastly, as human beings, we are emotionally responsible for ourselves but also for our loved ones. Be kind to you, be kind to the ones you love or once were loved by you.

With love,

Alexandra

Image source: Personal Development school

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How to Transform Your Relationship with Dismissive Avoidant Partner?

Is every relationship worthy of saving if both partners are willing to do the work? Myth or true? The general rule is 90% of intimate relationships are worth saving. But they tend to fail because, over time, human needs aren’t being met, attachment styles are getting in the way, and finally, a profound misinterpretation of each other love language. 

First of all, what are the six basic human needs?

  1. Love and connection
  2. Significance
  3. Variety
  4. Certainty
  5. Growth 
  6. Contribution

Secondly, what are the attachment styles in human beings?

  1. Secure attachment style 
  2. Dismissive Avoidant Attachment style
  3. Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style
  4. Fearful-avoidant attachment style

Thirdly, what are the love languages for humans?

  1. Acts of service
  2. Words of Affirmation
  3. Physical touch 
  4. Quality time
  5. Receiving gifts 

Now, let’s blend it all:

Dismissive avoidant: Afraid of losing autonomy; fear of intimacy; avoid emotional closeness and physical closeness (lack of sexual appetite); Very sensible to critics taking it personally. Core wounds: I’m defective; I will be abandoned because I’m not enough. Therefore I prefer being alone or push people away; Everyone will take advantage of me; chronic shame and anxiety.

Love language for Dismissive Avoidants: Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation. Why? Because through acts of service, they mean “I love you” without being too vulnerable. And words of affirmation because compliments and encouragement are essential for DA’s to feel safe.

The principal basic human needs to be fulfilled for dismissive avoidants individuals are Certainty and Significance. 

Why are Certainty and Significance for dismissive avoidants important human needs? The answer is simple. Dismissive avoidants individuals generally in childhood were emotionally and physically neglected by one parent or both. They learned from a young age only to rely on themselves and not to trust other people, not because they don’t want love or connection as anybody else, but because to trust and be fully seen is too frightening. For this reason, men or women with dismissive attachment styles tend to leave relationships prematurely and run away from the ones they truly love. 

So if you are in a relationship with a Dismissive avoidant person, remember that his or her’s love language is Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation, which interconnects with the human needs Certainty and Significance.

Remember, it takes one person to change the whole relationship dynamic. However, ask yourself first, after knowing all this information, if the relationship is worth saving and if the other person is open to work together with you, making sure that you are also meeting a large percentage of your most intrinsical needs.

Enjoy your weekend!

Alexandra

Image Source: Matrix Media

 

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The Art of Setting Boundaries in Intimate Relationships

Did you ever hear the English proverb Birds of a feather flock together? Well, not when we are talking about intimate relationships. 

According to Vrangalova et al. (2013), permissive people are more likely to be unfaithful and poach someone else’s mate. For this reason, homophily (Birds of a feather flock together), as known as the preference to establish a connection with individuals who share the same attributes and similar behavior might be dangerous for intimate relationships. 

Permissiveness. Permissiveness is, perhaps, one of the most hardcore deal-breakers and turnoffs in relationships. And in this era where everything seems to be technological, everything is to be shared, the implicit permission to overstep what is socially appropriate must receive our deepest concerns. 

Every single day relationships are failing, and people remain for different reasons in unhappy dynamics till someone new comes along and reignite the spark. However, permissiveness is when you or your partner permit other people to step into the relationship, allowing them to give unsolicited pieces of advice or manipulate the possible outcome of your partnership. 

Here are some examples of permissiveness and crossing boundaries: 

– Sending or receiving unsolicited conversation screenshots because it seems someone is interested in you (knowing that you are in a relationship), accepting them as something normal, and not calling the behavior out. 

– Allowing family members and others to have an opinion about your relationship, till the moment, that you don’t see your partner anymore as he/she is, but how these people perceive. 

– Uncompromising with your partner but extremely passive and “go with the flow” with others. 

– Oversharing deepest concerns and fears with others while robbing the opportunity of connection from your partner. 

– Lack of acknowledgment of your partner’s feelings, but very disturbed of what others think and acting out to please them. 

Permissiveness is the antidote to desire, emotional attraction, and intimate connection. As Gottman points out, in a committed relationship, we should maintain boundaries in our other relationships as a way to maintain not only the privacy of our commitment but also protect our partners. 

Sadly, commitment is not about buying a house or having kids together. Commitment requires no safety net to escape when things go wrong, requires all eggs in the same basket, and finally erasing the mindset of “I can do better vs someone better is waiting for me!”. It is cherishing what we already have even when it seems boring. And making who we adore a priority. 

How to create boundaries: 

1. Stay open-minded to your partner. 

2. Stand next to them when disagreements arise with others. 

3. Be conscious that everyone possesses an individual blueprint of what intimacy, couplehood, and commitment mean. Negotiate it. 

4. Do not let others step into your relationship. And express it using your voice and body language in respectful ways. 

5. Do not allow any behavior from others that will disrespect your partner’s core beliefs. 

6. Give yourself and your partner permission to be present for you and act as a team. 

To understand more about boundaries, check this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SS7VinJF8pc

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if everyone is doing the same, and permission is the new skill to prosper in the “modern” world. Real relationships are made by boundaries and by respect for our partner’s needs and core values. 

Wishing you well,

Alexandra

References:

Vrangalova, Z., Bukberg, E. R., Rieger, G. (2014). Birds of a feather? Not when it comes to sexual permissiveness. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 31(1), pp. 94-113.

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Everything Should Flow in Love: Wrong!

The persistent idea that everything should flow in love and individuals shouldn’t work to maintain their relationships robs the great opportunity of discovering and forge special, profound bonds with another human being. The request of having chemistry as a synonym of compatibility or long-lasting connection it’s what tears apart couples because chemistry comes from a place of unresolved wounds and partial dementia. Helen Fisher’s book called Why we love, the nature and chemistry of romantic love, points out that in the courtship and dating phase. Our brains are flooded by dopamine, serotonin, adrenaline, cortisol, and norepinephrine, which deactivates the prefrontal cortex creating a state of dementia and obsessive thoughts about the object you love.This hormonal cocktail can lead to addiction, the conjugation between dopamine and phenylethylamine. And because of it, it isn’t unusual to observe men or women jumping from one relationship to another when the frenetic feeling of passion is over.

Another aspect we must consider is, we are attracted to what we lack. Or we are attracted to what is familiar, and most of the time, this familiarity pull comes from a place of unresolved wounds.

Example:

  1. We are attracted to what we lack. Let’s say that you are a man who lives up in your head. You will be attracted to women who are great at communicational skills, empathetic, kind, generous, and warm. 

  2. We are attracted to what is familiar, and familiarity comes from a place of wounding. Even if you consciously know that you need a certain kind of partner and end up with them unless you do self-development work. The subconscious mind will overpower your rational thoughts. The subconscious mind and imprint stories will make you feel uncomfortable with what is healthy, making you seek shreds of evidence to sabotage the relationship and return to your comfort zone. 

The reality is when you perceive the other person as attractive, but you don’t feel the intense chemistry, that’s a good sign. It means that it’s safe and healthy to connect.

It means that it’s safe and healthy to connect. The feeling of Butterflies in the stomach is a clear sign of terror and excitement. However, we all know that when there is a lack of chemistry. People tend to pull away and disappear or break up relationships abruptly.

Love won’t happen or flourish without work from both parties. And no, you can’t do it talking about music, movie tastes, or television series. Everyone can do it, and that is not intimacy. Or saying that looking at the other person’s face, you already understand what they want or feeling. Wrong! By doing it, you are dismissing their individuality and personal life story.

Love is a skill to learn which requires open lines of communication. Communication about what is important. Substantial and divergent for each couplehood member.

Wishing you well,

Alexandra

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Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg

According to Oxford English Dictionary, communication is “the transmission or exchange of information, knowledge, or ideas, by means of speech, writing, mechanical or electronic media”.

Humans tend to express their emotions and who they are through their acts and words. Most of the time, we combine these forces towards another human being or external situations and unexpectedly not in the most collaborative or healthy ways. I must enlighten here that as long as we are adults, and therefore, aware of our realities. Blame or shame ourselves for ineffective communication it is not the way to progress and heal our subconscious stories.
Every relationship, every situation in our lives, presents a gem that we should take and carry, the opportunity of self-discovering and enhancement.

Communication and trust are important ingredients in any relationship. Yet can be negatively affected or impacted by the effects of previous traumatic experiences.

What is trauma? Everyone at least once in their lives lived a traumatic experience, the neglect of an unattentive caregiver, the loss of a loved one or job, a difficult separation, or divorce. Sadly, most of us don’t pay attention to it, and some may remain in undiagnosed high functioning depression because of escapism tools to avoid emotions.

Ronad, Patali, and Patali (2018) define emotional and psychological trauma as “the after-effect of phenomenally upsetting occasions that smash your suspicion that all is well and good, influencing you to feel defenseless in a perilous world. Horrendous encounters frequently include a risk to life or security; However, any circumstance that abandons you feeling overpowered and disconnected can be awful, regardless of whether it doesn’t include physical mischief. […] The more scared and defenseless you feel, the more probable you are to be damaged.”

With this said. The book Nonviolent Communication a Language of Life by Doctor Marshall Rosenberg is an important tool to everyone who wants to heal and improve. Not only their relationships but also learn effective communicational skills.

As Rosenberg explains, in a world and culture in which silence cult is incited, judging individuals harshly for exposing their needs is our daily cup of tea. We often get scared and shocked when someone reveals parts of themselves essential to bond correctly with us (the real vulnerability). Everyone wants to possess the courage but is fearful of doing so.

Moralistic judgments, comparisons, denying responsibility for our attitudes, or using other forms of communicational avoidance such as stonewalling, criticism, or self-blame with projection onto others are pivotal examples that destroy human relations.

Emotions are amazing guidelines to understand if we are telling ourselves painful stories or if we have at the same time unmet needs. One biggest mistake we often make in our interactions is to express our needs indirectly through the usage of evaluations, interpretations, and images leading others to hear/feel it as criticism, emerging then self-defensive mechanisms or counterattack strategies. No one wins. Everybody loses.

As Rosenberg explains (2005), the more people hear blame and judgment, the more defensive and aggressive they become and the less they will care about our needs in the future (Rosenberg, 2005, p. 148). This situation creates well-known and avoidable self-fulfilling prophecies experiences.

We must sit with our uncomfortable feelings and emotions, take a deep breath emphasizing with us and then with others. When we hear how others are feeling, we recognize that we all come from the same place, Humanity.

To conclude the article, our needs exist to the other person hear our pain, but usually, they don’t if they feel they are at fault. Take your time and learn how to translate it correctly. Translate the unmet needs into statements about you, about how you feel without mentioning the other person.

For more content, you can download the book here for free: https://classroommanagementcem.weebly.com/uploads/4/3/2/5/4325801/nvc_language_of_life_chapters_1-5.pdf

An Introduction to Nonviolent Communication:
http://www.schooltransformation.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Kendrick_NVC_Materials.pdf

Enjoy your weekend

Alexandra

References:

Ronald, V, S., Patali, S, C., Patali, C, S. (2018). Ways to Overcome Emotional and Psychological Trauma in a Day Today Life. Curt Trends Biomedical Eng & Biosci, 17 (1), pp. 1-5.

Rosenberg, B, M. (2005) Nonviolent Communication: A language of life. A PuddleDancer Press. CA.

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Pedro V of Portugal: The Hopeful

D. Pedro V was the second Portuguese King of the Portuguese constitutional monarchy and considered one of the most bright full minds of his time. Pedro was born on 16 September of 1847, Necessidades Palace, Lisbon. Son of Maria II of Portugal and Ferdinand von Sachen- Coburg und Gotha, became monarch at the age of 16 when his mother died during a difficult childbirth. 

According to his biographers, Pedro was a shy person but very conscious and aware of his duties as a monarch. Despite the young age, his moral and intellectual preparation gave Portugal the required social development and the begging of a brand new age where the monarchy was close to the public sphere. 

Pedro’s Kingship was marked by two principles: 

1. Intellectual freedom for social development 

2. Education for people in general, as a way to fight against the ignorance favored by governments to control individuals. 

In these terms, one of his letters from 1856 called Public education and its considerations. Pedro wrote this: 

” It is necessary to instruct people. This proposition is so holy that try to prove its validity would like to be cast doubt on it. People want to learn […] because “The ignorance favored by governments is such an absurd theory that it cannot have supporters.” […] There are around me those who think that people cannot be educated, that education is unsuitable for them, and this is the reason why they are blind or obstinate guiding themselves by first impressions. I believe otherwise that people are blind and obstinate because they don’t have education or instruction. […] Condemning society of not seeing the light, not participating in the educational system benefits that make a man capable of enjoying his freedom, is a crime or negligence that all of us will pay sooner or later.” 

Pedro was a man who ruled a country in the nineteenth century, but his words, his thoughts are still contemporaneous. Education and training are fundamental principles for a healthy society and healthier social or intimate relationships. 

We are, at some level, blind in how we deal, treat, and love others. Philosophy and psychology are important sciences in teaching because they help our critical thinking and enhance our connection with the being. Phenomena like stigma, discrimination, “gender inequality” exist because it comes from ignorance when one of the main principles of equality is that no one is equal. Therefore everyone must be accepted and protected for who they are. 

The misrepresentation of words and their meaning is dangerous to social functioning, leading to social crimes or Politicians and institutions taking advantage of people and their intricate/unfulfilled necessities. 

If we want men and women emotionally available and aware of who they are, we must educate them and their families. 
We must provide citizens places and tools to regain trust in how to re-connect with themselves and institutions. And finally, give positions of social action or protection to those who are genuinely and academically capable of promoting progress in places of public importance. Of course, this would require Universities’ tight selection criteria, including personality tests to outwit personality disorders and the like. 

It does lead me to another reality, the urgency of living happy 24/24 hours. Or when and how someone tells you after a loss that you have to move on or find someone better, which is a synonym of lack of respect for your pain and emotional avoidance. Pain is real, and everyone must sit with their pain to grieve. But this will be for another article. 

Pedro V of Portugal died at only 24 years old in 1861 victim of typhoid fever. Pedro was a second degree cousin of Queen Victoria and Prince Albert with whom he had a close relationship. 

Keep in mind that: You don’t have to live long to do good for others. You have to be and pay attention to your surroundings while educating yourself. 

With love,

Alexandra

References:

Mónica, F. M. (2007). D. Pedro V. (1a ed., pp. 277-291). Temas e Debates.

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Farming and Mental Health

Last week a young Aussie farmer girl, who was only 19, died by suicide, which caught everyone in a spiral of pain and mourning. Caitlyn Loane was a farmer, livestock manager from Tasmania who shared her daily agricultural work-life on TikTok. Despite the unknown reasons that led Loane to suicide, the first question we should ask ourselves as human beings is: how much emotional responsibility do we have towards another person? How often do we ask, “how are you feeling”?

According to the article from 1999, British Journal of Psychiatry called Suicide in Farmers. Farmers are one of the occupational groups at greatest risk of suicide. As Malmberg, Simkin, and Hawton (1999) found, most suicides in farming “were the endpoint of a series of difficulties developing over time rather than a response to an acute crisis, and in this respect, farmers are no different from other people who commit suicide. The nature of farming, particularly when the farm is a family business, means that many problems are inevitably interconnected, and this may be more important for farmers than those in other occupations.” (p.103)

Sadly there is still a fantasy around farming in which life is perfect. Farmers have their bank accounts full of money because of the tractors, lands, farming machinery. And perhaps the dreaming lifestyle of freedom they tend to portrait. But is this “dreaming” lifestyle of freedom real or a mirage? Does someone ask them how they feel and listen to them with empathy?

Rudolph, Berg and Parsaik (2019), wrote that “agriculture has been identified as a stressful industry and there is evidence that chronic stress may contribute to the development or progression of mental health disorders, specifically anxiety and depression.(p.1)

Agriculture is affected by multiple factors. Climatic adversity, market prices, or political uncertainties. Farm bankruptcies, demanding workloads, lack of social support from cooperatives, and finally, relational conflicts or sabotaging behaviors based on envy from family members or companies managers that provide support services to farmers. Mental health risks among this population are well-documented. However, protective factors remain somehow unknown. (Liang et al., 2021)

The crux of this reality lies in the fact that we, as a community, quit the responsibility of taking care of others emotionally. Nowadays, the superficial and unapologetic selfish behavior of only liking someone else on social media. Or discard them at the first sign of stress is destroying the purity of human connection. Everyone wants to vomit their lives to somebody else, but few are the ones who possess ears, time, and empathy to listen to you, not to respond but to comprehend.

My question is: What a fuck are we doing?

I know the Agriculture Industry like the palm of my hand. I have worked as a farming manager for the last ten years. Prior generations from both sides of my family worked their entire lives in this business, and yes, not everyone can face the stressful farming peculiarities.

Let’s be honest. The problem isn’t the activity itself. But the lack of responsibility or attunement. And finally, the prevalent cowardice and emotional illiteracy from those around. Many individuals are running companies without the intellectual or scholarly capacity to do so. Add to this stubbornness, inflexibility, and the delusional or fictionary pride of “I know it all or I know more than you”.

Cooperatives are created by and for farmers, but are farmers the ones who run the cooperative? Or are cooperatives being run by people who are literally eating what belongs to farmers?
About Farm bankruptcies, what kind of farm loan programmers are out there? What about the fees to pay? How much will they pay and when? And law? Does the law system protect farmers and farming activities correctly?

Agriculture is a fragile business, and farmers don’t have support.

After ten years of working on lands, I left, not because agriculture was a nightmare. But because I couldn’t handle any longer the system ambiguity, crazy people with constant sabotaging behavior, and my health and emotional safety were under threat.

It is ok to say no and to let it go. It’s ok to stop, regroup and start again somewhere else. It is ok to call people out because of their erratic behavior.
Suicide has an inherent message for all of us, which is: “I lived as long as I could, but my emotional pain and its secrecy was robbing me of the magical joy of living.”

Farmers are resilient, strong, and mature folks. Although my life would be a fantastic “novel”, the lessons I took from it are far greater and can’t remain only on a piece of paper. I’m not sure, either, if folks outside of this business can fully understand what we went through, despite their best efforts. Whether way, resiliency also means the power to leave when things go roughly.

As Samuel Beckett wrote: “Try again. Fail again. Better again. Or better worse. Fail worse again. Still worse again. Till sick for good. Throw up for good. Go for good.”

For this reason, my final message is: Don’t confuse reality with social media and always ask people around how they are genuinely feeling. Chose carefully and wisely who you want in your life, and be sure that in times of need, they will be there for you entirely. Someone who stays by your side during tough times is someone to keep and nurture forever.

Caitlyn was too young to die. Think about it!

With love,

Alexandra

References:

Liang, Y., Wang, K., Janssen, B., Casteel, C., Nonnenmann, M., Rollmann, D. (2021). Examination of Symptoms of depression among cooperative dairy farmers. Environmental Research and Public Health, 18, 3657, pp. 1-17. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph18073657

Rudolphi, J.M., Berg, R.L. & Parsaik, A. (2020). Depression, Anxiety and Stress Among Young Farmers and Ranchers: A Pilot StudyCommunity Meant Health J 56, pp. 126–134. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10597-019-00480-y

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What Can Gavin James’s Song “Sober” Teach About Us And Love?

It is impressive and enthralling how music can transport us to already experienced moments, how it can comfort us in painful moments such as a breakup or the loss of a loved one. Or to celebrate special events.
But, shall I ask, how often do we understand the message and lesson behind the lyric? What can a song teach about us, others, love, and relationships?

Gavin James is a well-known Irish singer who debuts his brand new single called “Sober”. Sober can be understood in different ways, the longing for an impossible relationship, the reminiscence of a past relationship, or the hope to reestablish a connection this time in healthy manners. The hope that the one who got away will see his worth, returning to his arms.

What this song teach about us, others, love, and relationships?

  1. We all have our subconscious comfort zone, and because of it, we don’t express who we are from our authentic selves but our threatened selves. This dynamic drives away the people who are correct for us and our growth.

  2. “We take our feelings And hide them in bottles” The moment we hide our feelings or not expressing our needs, we are setting our relationships to fail, and most importantly, self-betraying who we are. How can someone love us? Or how can we love someone if they are neglecting themselves and we are neglecting ourselves? 

  3. Ignoring red flags in relationships is the direct representation of how much we disregard the connection to ourselves. The more disconnected you are from your emotions, feelings, and needs, the more overlooked or misunderstood you will feel by others. 

  4. “No, you don’t love me when you’re sober” – Auto-pilot stories and the longing for someone to wake up and give us the love we deserve leads to emotional chaos. Also, remember that some individuals have their fears competing with their feelings for you. They might love you dearly, but their’s mind-printed traumatic stories don’t allow them to see or accept your love. Therefore, sobriety only will happen when the healing process takes place. 

  5. Lack of modeling in childhood erodes our ability in adulthood to relate with others correctly, or at least with the outcome we desire. But like everything in life except death, nothing is set in stone. With awareness, the correct recognition of emotional difficulties, discomfort, and root causes can lead to a path of deep self-transformation while working on it. It is a scary place to go, but worth it. 

  6. It is everyone’s fault, but no one is to blame. In every relationship, it is everyone’s fault if the dynamic fail. But no one is to blame. Why? Because instead of trying to find someone to punish, the right direction to go is towards the understanding that everyone is doing their best to survive and thrive. It does mean that your duty is to educate yourself and run away from emotional illiteracy. 

  7. Last but not least. Be the advocate of your feelings and voice them not from a place of fear but love. Familiarity keeps us stuck in scenes that won’t serve us any longer. Maybe you never had someone supporting your adventures or acknowledging your emotional necessities. If now you found that person, someone who is there for you, instead of pushing them away with deactivating or activating strategies. Remember that your fears hurt your feelings. Instead of fleeing or avoid, or being needy or clingy, ask for help. And be vulnerable expressing your authentic self. 

A close friend of mine asked me last week if the level of knowledge that I have doesn’t keep me away from relationships. My answer was simple, the more you know, the more you avoid unnecessary and possible painful stories. The truth is the more sovereign you are, the less you will act out of dispairing or accept lesser treatment. I can support people and be there for them, but at the same time, I don’t lose myself because I do not over-feel somebody else feelings.

Relationships in all different forms need clear intentions and compassion. Requires the deep understanding that not everyone is in a good place to date, to be a friend or a long-term partner, and that’s fine. But we have to be clear about it and not come from a place of fear. We have to recognize and learn how to self-soothe. Set up boundaries and speak up.

Lastly, Judgment happens or comes from emotional illiteracy! So educate yourself, because fortunately, there are plenty of tools to help you out through the process. Just be sure that the readings you select are not from gurus but certified people.

With love,

Alexandra

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Online Romance and Cybercrime

The online dating industry over the past two decades has become a business of millions. Many are the reasons that can lead someone to use those services, such as social inadequacy, fear of intimacy, lack of time to get to know people in social events, you can name it. 

However, despite some of the visible advantages of those online applications, it brought to the social environment the “disposable culture”. Or phenomenons like “missing out syndrome”, “the grass is greener somewhere else”, and “I can do better”, all combined with superficial ties easily replaced. And the sense that you know someone well based only on text messages. 

In the last five years, the Australian, American and Portuguese governments have warned about the increasing online romance fraud. Only in Australia, in 2019, according to ACCC (Australian Competition and Consumer Commission), romance fraud cost Australian folks more than 28.6 million dollars. Women reported the highest total losses, but men also had 7 million dollars of losses which is 24.6 percent of the total losses. 

Where is this happening, and why?

Online romance scams can happen on every online platform. But now besides regular dating apps, Instagram and even Facebook is the favorite place to scammers actions. Also, don’t think that only naive or uneducated people fall into these schemes, quite the opposite. 

Why does this happen? First of all, every human being, when seeking relationships, seek trait variety. In the evolutionary aspect of our species, we want the best genes for our offspring. Therefore, if online dating opens the gate of a wider range of possible partners from different nationalities, of course, we want to try that possibility. 

Secondly, long-distance relationships are on the rise. More and more people are engaging in long-distance relationships exactly because they meet online. Or because they met someone in another country while having holidays. 

Scammers know this. They know how to approach the victims, how to develop conversations to gain trust and intimacy. According to AARP’S Fraud Watch Network, most online romance frauds originate in eastern Europe, Russia, Nigeria, Ghana, or in countries such as Malaysia and United Kingdom. 

How to avoid it?

  1. If you are dating online, date intentionally and don’t play games. Games only attract disaster. 

  2. What are you seeking in the online dating realm? Real and meaningful connection or just someone to talk to?

  3. If you like someone there and you want to pursue the conversation in another environment. Screen every profile image using a reverse online image search because it will help you find out if the picture was stolen from someone else. 

  4. Now, let’s say that you have added the person to your Facebook account. Search their name and see if he or she has an Instagram account. Is their profile private or public? And if public, why? Are they trying to attract brands, attention, validation? How many followers and followings they have? People with higher narcissistic traits tend to have more followers than followings because it indicates their influence and likeability (Farwaha and Obhi, 2019). They also frequently post selfies and lifestyle information as a way to promote themselves in the digital arena (Alshawaf and Wen, 2015). Literally, run away from these individuals. I don’t care how hot they are or how impressive they seem to be, just run! Forget the lust, the hormonal rush, and RUN!

  5. Returning to the Facebook platform, see if, besides the added friends, they have followers. And what type of followers they have. If it a woman’s profile, is the list of followers mostly composed of foreigners? Ask yourself why are they only following her and not on the friend list? How did they found her profile? Ask yourself all the questions you need and use your best judgment to decide what to do. Before any investment select wisely, the kind of people you want in your life. 

  6. Before running into online dating, think about your beliefs around dating and relationships. What are your subconscious stories about it? Do you think men are all the same? Do you think women will take advantage of you, and maybe someone from another country wouldn’t do that? Listen, we just know someone when we spend real face-to-face time with them.

    Can we develop feelings for someone over texting and FaceTime? Sure we can. But before entering anything else in romantic terms, ask yourself if you are willing to move yourself to another country and start your life from zero? Can you afford visa processes to expand professionally, not only because of someone else? Does the other person talks in-depth about their lives and shows up consistently? Do they get out of their comfort zone to give or do something to make you happy despite the distance? 

When dealing with human beings, we are dealing with their emotions, feelings, and life stories. Relationships require hard work, not just sweet talk. It is disgusting to use someone as a way to obtain money or a free visa pass. This sort of behavior erodes trust, leaves imprinted traumas, and is completely against the fundamental principles that make us humans: the need to connect.

With love,

Alexandra

References:

Alshawaf E., Wen L. (2015). Understanding digital reputation on Instagram: a case study of social media mavens. In: Proceedings of the 2nd European conference on social media ECSM, pp 19–27

Farwaha S., Obhi, SS. (2019). Differential motor facilitation during action observation in followers and leaders on instagram. Front Hum Neurosci 13:67. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnhum.2019.00067

Site web:

AARP. (2015). Are you Real? – Inside an Online Dating Scam. https://www.aarp.org/money/scams-fraud/info-2015/online-dating-scam.html

ACCC. (2020). Romance Scammers move to new apps, costing Aussies more than $28.6 million. https://www.accc.gov.au/media-release/romance-scammers-move-to-new-apps-costing-aussies-more-than-286-million

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Rebecca’s Syndrome and The Phantom Ex

“Rebecca” is a novel publish in 1938, written by Daphne du Maurier and later adapted to the big screen by the great Alfred Hitchcock. Last year on my birthday day, 21 of October, Netflix starred the new remake of this movie with Lily James (Mrs. de Winter) and Armie hammer (Maxim de Winter) as protagonists.

Although this book and later movie originated Rebecca’s syndrome in psychology to describe people who have pathological jealousy from ex-companions of their partners. I must refer that this situation is recurrent in relationships where the man is a widow or divorced, as portrait in the movie.

However, particular aspects should be analyzed before we jump into the apparent jealously behavior from the new wife, Mrs. de Winter. 

We have to understand what is The Phantom Ex syndromeHow much should we share with a new partner about past relationships? What are the fundamental principles of a healthy relationship, and how much should external people interfere, compare and give an opinion about our new relationship?

Do you know the story of Alice in Wonderland? Like John Gotten describe in his book “Eight Dates, Essential conversations for a lifetime of Love”, Alice had no idea of what would be the journey to the wonderland, but she did it anyway with her’s two feet. She jumped into the rabbit’s hole knowing, that it would be amazing and transformational despite difficulties. Alice was committed to the journey no matter what.

Now let’s bring commitment and think, what commitment is in a relationship? Is it thinking about someone in the past neglecting and comparing to the new person? Is it constantly having conversations about past issues and let them get in the way, not allowing individualization? Is it let someone else outside the relationship interfere and give opinions?

According to Gottman (2019), true commitment means

that you create a wall around you and your partner with an open window between you. This wall around the two of you separates you from others in terms of your deepest emotional and physical connections (…) Also, if we’re committed, we have given this person everything we have to offer. There’s nothing left over for another lover. That’s a risky decision, but it’s essential. Without this level of commitment, love will not last. (pp.40, 41)

In fact, despite Maxim de Winter’s initial enthusiasm when he first met his new wife. This man had in his mind what we call in psychology “The Phantom Ex syndrome” (recurrent in individuals with dismissive avoidant or fearful-avoidant attachment style), which is when an ex becomes larger than anything and the new partner is never enough to surpass those figurative qualities. Rebbeca’s ghost haunting Winter’s mind, and the mansion is the representation of what I describe above.

Without forgetting that the housekeeper, Mrs. Danvers, starred by Kristin Scott Thomas, is the poison voice building insecurities inside Mrs. de Winter talking nonstop about Rebecca and her qualities.

Healthy relationships are based on real commitment. Healthy couples don’t think they can do better or that their ideal partner is still out there waiting for them. They are committed to one another and don’t have one foot out the door.

We can now conclude that although pathological jealously exists, in the movie Rebecca”, the young woman Mrs. de Winter invested all her eggs in the same basket as Alice did in Wonderland’s journey. And like someone emotionally healthy should do in their relationships. Her insecurities and what’s so-called pathological jealously is the fruit of her’s husband constant doubts and lack of visible boundaries to protect their relationship from external interferences and his past.

These are my final thoughts. Before we start a relationship with someone else, we have to use the dating phase to discover and see if the other person is a good match. Despite the initial lust and infatuation hormonal cocktail screaming for sex, let your vagina or penis out of the equation. Instead, ask deep questions. And forget superficiality. Forget that stupid thing that you should be in your feminine energy. That’s BS. You should be in your sovereignty and lean in completely in the process of discovering the other person. That’s why we have the first stage in a relationship called “the dating stage”.

Another thing to understand is that emotionally healthy men are thirsty for knowledge. Unavailable or emotionally “broken” men are thirsty for validation and instant connection. Can you see the difference? The same rule applies to women.

Finally, be very careful with dating apps because they are the realm of “the grass is greener” syndrome and the favorite place for people who are never satisfied with their choices. Also when you can watch “Rebecca” movie and take your conclusions.

I hope this resonates with you and take good care of yourself.

Love,

Alexandra

References:

Gottman, J., Gottman, S., J. (2019). Eight Dates: Essential conversations for a lifetime of Love. Workman Publishing. New York.

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Homeostasis: A Biology Lesson to Improve Your Relationships

We are told from a young age that love is suffering. And suffering is titillating or aphrodisiac. But what our caregivers and even schools didn’t teach us is that love is not a suffering “contract”, but a place where our bodies can regulate and build together long-lasting last rewarding relationships. 

When it comes to relationships and intimacy, we should keep in mind that we all possess different attachment styles. But also that relationships have six stages of development: 

  1. The dating phase. Everything is beautiful and exciting. 

  2.  The honeymoon phase. Still a good phase. But first red flags tend to show up. 

  3. The power-struggle phase. Relationships tend to fail because individuals focus on differences or flaws, and the subconscious mind programming takes over the conscious mind. Couples can remain in this stage for years. 

  4. The stability phase, the acceptance of who we are, and mutual respect. 

  5. The commitment phase. We surrender to one another. 

  6. The Bliss phase. The phase where the couple creates a project together and meaningful to the world. 

Wrongly the assumption that relationships develop in auto-pilot without much effort is what kills them from the very beginning. In reality, relationships to thrive need intentionality and the understanding that everyone has a visceral and deep programming need to feel safe and seen.

Another myth assumed by many is that we seek people with the same traits as us. In reality, our subconscious mind is always seeking trait variety in the dating/mating process. So we have an attraction for people who possess traits that we suppress but admire.

The problem begins when our polarities start to trigger each other emotional baggage. Are those relationships doomed? No! The power struggle phase brings the deepest lessons in any relationship. And the opportunity to bond with our partners at their core, with their imperfections and flaws. By dismissing the stories or beliefs of how someone should be.

One of the keys to handling the power-struggle phase is the understanding of how homeostasis works. Homeostasis refers to the body’s need to reach and maintain a certain state of equilibrium, with this in mind and thinking that we might have at some level an insecure attachment style in a relationship dynamic, most common anxious and avoidant dynamic.

In the power struggle phase, the avoidant partner will need to pull away because their fears are mining their feelings. Their fears are rooted in losing autonomy and independence.
On the other hand, the anxious partner will pursue the avoidant partner requiring emotional reassurance because of the abandonment core wound. So their polarities, the way they react to difficulties, is homeostasis taking place to restore equilibrium.

Lesson nº1: Our responses in relationships are survival responses.

Lesson nº2: Subconscious mind seeks trait variety and takes over the conscious mind. The push is the conscious mind wanting a different outcome. The pullback is the subconscious mind wanting comfort zone even if it wrong.

Lesson nº3: Individuals with anxious attachment styles should learn to stand for themselves and fulfill their emotional tank with activities that provide emotional well-being.

Lesson nº4: Individuals with avoidant attachment styles should learn how to rely on other people. Learn how to be vulnerable, and overshare what they want and feel. Learn how not to take criticism personally. But use it as a way to improve who they are. Learn how their behavior hurts their partners (stonewalling, emotional coldness, refusing to talk.).

Lesson nº5: You can find another partner. But without inner work and awareness, the cycle will repeat. Intimacy shouldn’t be a war place, but a place of growing and thriving.

To conclude, everyone has a visceral and deep programming need to feel safe and seen.

With Love,

Alexandra

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The Power of Saying No!

As far as my disposition and living style, I am a proponent that clear communication and fully showing up in all situations in life is the key to better relationships and healthy societal dynamics.

The vast majority of our population don’t spend much on reflection (reflection is different from rumination) or self-improvement, seeking self-knowledge to learn new communicative skills, or how earlier experiences affect the present moment. With knowledge, we can change. Everyone can change, and that change begins with setting healthy boundaries and how to say no.

Regardless of our culture or country of origin, cordiality and excuses are make-up to hide or camouflage conflicts. Why can it amplify communicational and relational issues?
Every human being possesses a different type of personality, and personality is genetic. Individuals who have a more assertive personality will come across as arrogant or aggressive, mostly if others around them are passive and don’t speak their truth.

In reality, cordiality as a social norm is a sort of passive-aggressive behavior that inhibits someone speaks their truth, and worst, allows people to get away with “bad” actions. Because if you warn them out, you are an aggressive bastard.

As I mentioned before, your personality is biological and genetic. So when you are born, you come into this world with a typical way of thinking, acting, and feeling. Of course, this can suffer some changes because of environment and experiences, but the foundation, the genesis stills there and is immutable. It also explains the attraction. Men, for example, are attracted to women with strong personalities, believe it or not, even if at the end of the day, because of social norms, they “chose” a more “suitable” persona.

When we say yes to things that we want to say no, we are submerging ourselves in lakes where, at first sight, inoffensive fishes would do no warm. But, in reality, the accumulation of yes’s that are no’s will turn little fishes into sharks. Stress is a shark and can kill. Continuous exposure to stress is one of the main causes of Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, anxiety disorders, and heart disease.

Let’s think about suicide. What is suicide if not the last door to escape painful realities? Suicide is a global problem, but what are the causes? Societal blueprints are one of them. The blueprint that everyone should be this or that way. They should get married, buy a house, have kids, and a job to sustain all of it.

The blueprint that man should toughen up and not cry (yes, society “wants” men to open up but not too much. Isn’t ready to fully listen to them). Suicide is the major global cause of death between the ages of 15 to 29. Did you know that new generations compared to previous ones are having less sex and intimacy satisfaction? Why? Should I ask!

It is important to say NO and express your wants without shame. When you say no, you are holding yourself and not perpetuating unnecessary behavior from others. To say no, try to answer the following questions as an exercise of reflection and self-conscientization: 

  1. This request or situation is hurting my core beliefs?
  2. This request, situation, or person is tearing me apart from my living purpose? 
  3. Is this person abusing my goodwill? 
  4. Do I want to do this or be somewhere else? 

The purpose of learning how and to say NO is the synonym of stopping yourself from putting the value of your life in the hands of people with doormat brains. Judgment doesn’t exist per se. Because someone who doesn’t know who he or she is is incapable of judging others. Think about this when you are ruminating about what others think about you.

Use the word No with consciousness and compassion. Remembering that if down the road someone leaves, that’s the selection process, not a loss. Be also thankful for the ones who gave new insight to your life, but also for their combative personalities. These combative people are necessary to eradicate emotional vampirism and abuse.

SAYING NO IS A GESTURE OF SELF-CARE!

With love,

Alexandra

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Avoidant Attachment Style, Core Wounds and How it Hurts Your Relationships.

It is simple to understand, at least I believe it is, that human beings are wired to bond and connect with others. John Bowlby cleverly found and explained to us that if in our childhood we had nonresponsive or ambivalent parents. There is a higher propensity to develop what he called an insecure attachment style. However, I want to point out that experiences of bullying at school or turbulent first romantic experiences can lead people to develop an insecure attachment style. The insecure attachment style is divide into three categories: 1. Avoidant attachment style. 2. Anxious Preoccupied attachment style, and 3. Fearful-avoidant attachment style.

Before we dive in, I want to enumerate two things:

1. When we are born, our mind is almost like a blank canvas.

2. Attachment style programming can be changed when people involve the subconscious mind in the healing process. Because our actions, words, and emotions are 97% correlated to the power of our subconscious mind over our conscious mind.

With this said, someone with an insecure attachment style learned from a young age that the world is a dangerous place, people are untrustworthy, and there is a prevalent building of assumptions around intimacy that pervasively will sabotage romantic relationships. Those assumptions around intimacy are:

  1. I’m unworthy of love. 
  2. People will use me.
  3. I can’t trust anyone. 
  4. I need to run away because if they see my true self, I will be rejected.
  5. When someone seems to be pulling away from me, it’s because I am defective. And so, I will need to chase or give more to get attention and love.

When talking about individuals who possess avoidant attachment styles, we are talking about someone who has coping mechanisms to buffering emotional pain and inflate the self to survive. Remember that, sadly, they didn’t have in the past someone who could see the child they were or who was able to respect or fulfill their needs. Babies, children require protection and a safe environment to thrive happily, needing someone to be around with enough skills to guide them through the confusing world out there.

So what are the core wounds of dismissive-avoidant individuals, and how it hurts relationships? 

  1. I will be abandoned by the ones I love. Because they didn’t have someone there for them, avoidant individuals developed strategies to survive and become the source of praise from their caregivers. So, more often than not, they will become highly successful in scientific areas or other environments that require only cerebral thinking, planning, action, and not much feeling. But the emotional side is repressed because of the programming “if I am vulnerable or I express my emotions I will be abandoned.”

  2. I am unsafe (physically or emotionally). One of the consequences of this core wound is the prevalent fight and flight mode. The fight and flight mode leads to anxiety, agitation, irritability, shame, and sadness. Although they need connection like anybody else, the deprivation from emotional attunement and possibilities to be vulnerable in the past make them hide things or run away at any threatening assumptions that can put them in a weak position. Remember that they might look charismatic and independent, but that over-independency hides a fragile self. 

  3. I am alone. Even though it is a core wound, it also represents what happens when overwhelming situations or conflicts arise in relationships. If for someone with an anxious preoccupied attachment style being alone hurts. For dismissive individuals helps them to regulate emotions and return to their normal homeostasis. 

  4. I am trapped or stuck. Ineffective communication and a tendency for nitpicking behaviors over their partners or people close to them lead to feelings of being trap or stuck in relationships. 

  5. I am misunderstood. Feeling misunderstood is dangerous in a relationship. It leads to disengagement, but also misinterpretation of someone’s behavior. Also, feeling misunderstood is connected to the fear of expressing opinions and needs. 

  6. I am stupid. Stupid is a feeling that arises when someone can’t accomplish or understand a task the right way. Or is highly critical and harsh on themselves. For avoidant folks, failure means shame, and being ashamed is also liked the feeling of being stupid. 

  7. I am defective. I am defective. I’m defective is a very pervasive core wound in avoidant individuals. The sense of defectiveness leads them to run away from people who they truly love. Once again, I would like to enhance that these individuals, the vast majority, grew up in cold environments where expressing feelings or being vulnerable was considered a weak strategy to grow up as a human being.

Bringing it all together, the combination of these core wounds is explosive for intimate relationships over time.
You might see your partner who has avoidant attachment style suffering but not accepting help. Perhaps he or she is shifting the situation, saying that you are being too sensitive or dramatizing things. Blame shifting, introducing jealously, or flirtation with others is common to gain control. Whatever is happening, never fall into the trap of taking the whole blame for the relationship falling apart.

From personal experience, I can tell you that we have to have self-control and try not to take things personally. Also, the enumerated core wounds can help you to identify, understand and help children at school if you are a teacher.

We can’t change people, heal, or save them from the fall because our responsibility is to show up consistently in relationships and intimate dynamics. Like we should do in all the areas of our lives. But as long as we are with them, we must lead the way and be there for them no matter what. Relationships are schools, so take the best of it!

Wishing you a wonderful weekend.

Alexandra

references:

Man in The White Suit (1951) – Original Vintage Movie Poster adapted for educational purpose only. Available at: https://loveexcellence.co.uk/product/man-white-suit-1951-original-vintage-movie-poster

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Children and Education: The Emotional Understanding of Being Present for Your Child.

Although our children spend, nowadays, so much more time at childcare centers and schools, it is impossible to diminish the importance of having stable parents and households to thrive correctly to become emotionally mature.
According to research and experience of life, I can say that the prevalence of raising children with insecure attachment styles is quite high, even if you don’t mean it to happen.

Why? The answer is simple.

Parents should be emotional regulators and the prefrontal cortex of their children. Children’s prefrontal cortex will only develop between the age of 5 and 8, where you will see a major improvement in working memory, planning, selective attention, and inhibition.

Now, I believe that you also comprehend why having a good teacher at primary school will be a good ally and complement to the education provided to your children. However, sadly education system fails in this aspect when there is no regulation to see if teachers are emotionally capable of teaching or assist children and their necessities.

Returning to the subject families and attachment styles, if children prefrontal cortex starts developing after only the age of five and the parent fails to understand children’s needs and doesn’t soothe them correctly. Children will develop an insecure attachment style which will be avoidant or anxious or a mixture of both.

Children and future adults with avoidant attachment styles learned early on that they could only count on themselves. They are the kind of children who play the all-day alone in the bedroom and are apparently very independent. On the other side of the spectrum, children with an anxious attachment style require a lot of assurance and the certainty that they won’t be left alone or abandoned.

However, in different ways, both children seek love and protection from their parents or caregivers, reproducing unhealthy coping mechanisms to attain it.

When these children grow up and are adults, their relationships will be chaotic.
Avoidant individuals are moody and achievers. But also Too much rigid, possessing a higher tendency to run away from conflict letting things unresolved. Prone to fantasies while in relationships. They might miss or have a difficult time seeing the beautiful person in front of them while secretly thinking there might be someone better around the corner. Their fear of emotional engulfment and major commitments might make them run away from their partners, who will be left in profound mental confusion and heartbreak.

Avoidant individuals are very charming in the early stages of dating because of the hormonal cocktail running in their brains. But as soon this phase starts to fade away, the inconsistent behavior, the negative moods, and distrust treatment will begin because of FEAR and SHAME.

Finally, when it comes to anxious children in adulthood. They will test relationships and their partners most of the time because of abandonment fears. However, and this should be said, in most cases, they are phenomenal caregivers and very attune with other’s needs. The only problem is they neglect themselves and put others easily on the pedestal.

These attachment styles are easily drawn to each other in intimate relationships but without attunement and understanding. They might fail when the relationship power struggle stage takes place. Even if the relationship lasts, cheating might happen because they both need love in different ways. The dismissive partner loves through distance and the anxious partners through proximity.

Although insecure attachment styles can change, the reality is this can be avoided if we provide our children emotional support and attunement. More than spoil children with unnecessary presents or superficial conversations (asking if they have boyfriends and girlfriends). We must explain and guide them throughout life because our role as parents is never complete.
When your child is crying in the supermarket because he or she wants something, instead of denying his or her’s suffering, get down to his or her’s level calmly explaining that we might see many things in life, but we need only a few. If your baby is crying, don’t ignore it, don’t try to shut up the annoying crying, embrace and soothe the baby.

Also, teach your children the old ways to play with toys, permitting them to be free with responsibility. Children are born to be who they want to be, not to suppress parents demanding expectations.

The way you interact with them from a young age will be how they will interact with others in the future. So be wise, be present, with the understanding that you are responsible for the impact your children will have in the world and somebody else’s lives.

With love,

Alexandra

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He is Not your Guy, If?

Even though this might sound like an advertising quote, for men or even women in the dating realm is important they stop making assumptions about somebody else behavior. Getting real about your needs and wantings within an intimate relationship is the first step or key to move forward in the direction you want to be. Because the truth is knowing core needs or the requirements to feel safe in a relationship or by yourself isn’t only attractive. It will work as a selective process between who deserves to stay in your life from who doesn’t.

Here are some of the signs that he might not be your guy:

  1. He just ended a relationship or marriage. Even though he might tell you that he is just fine, remember that some men and even women are masters at suppressing their emotions. When someone comes out from a relationship, and if that relationship didn’t meet their most emotional or physical needs, they are thirsty for connection or validation without forgetting that everyone needs to go through the relationship grieving process. 

  2. He can’t handle your vulnerable moments. Be careful with the type of information you are sharing, but be sure to use it as a way not to test (don’t test men), but to see if he can handle your vulnerabilities and support you. By this, I mean I don’t want you to vomit your life, but I want you to bond for real, and bonding happens when you share the most vulnerable parts of yourself. If the guy withdraws, he is not your guy

  3. He is in a relationship with somebody else. It doesn’t matter if the chemistry is intense, nor that he tells you that he will leave the relationship he is already in. If he is already with someone, he is not your guy!

  4. He is hot and cold. Perhaps, in the beginning, it was super intense, and then after a while, he started to pulling away. When a man acts hot and cold in a relationship, he is ambivalent, showing clearly that, at least with you, he is not ready to have a meaningful connection. He is not your guy!

  5. He disconnects after having sex. If a man disconnects from you after having sex, he is not your guy and gave all the signs before getting involved with you. But, I want to point out something important here. Men after sex biologically are wired to disconnect. Although it seems ejaculation doesn’t influence testosterone levels, prolactin, and dopamine influence how men behave after sex. When he is pursuing, if you don’t build with that man a mental connection, when the orgasm is consummate, providing feelings of satiation and sexual gratification, he may pull away and not come back. Why? While pursuing and getting to know you, his dopamine levels are high because you are a fantasy, the drug that he wants to consume. Therefore the orgasm with you activates reward pathways in his brain (produce a similar experience of addiction and withdrawal), with dopamine dropping below baseline because of prolactin (satiation and sexual gratification hormone) production shooting up. (Kruger et al., 2003). So he may lose attraction temporarily but feel attracted to other women because the biological cycle begins again. During this period, you shouldn’t chase a man but let him go and live your life. If he does not come back, don’t blame him or yourself. He was not your guy!

  6. He is still building his living purpose. Maybe he just finished university, changed or lost his job, or didn’t found his ground yet. Either case, a man in these scenarios isn’t ready to settle down, even though he might enjoy your company or want to connect. Once again, men are wired to provide and protect, and this is intimately correlated with having a successful career or at least stable enough to receive you in his life. 

  7. He isn’t individualized from his family. If a man doesn’t have boundaries from his family’s opinions and can’t stand next to you, he is not your guy and will be a painful experience. Our family opinion is important, but how far is it reasonable? Do you want to go through it knowing that perhaps having his support will happen on rare occasions? Or people outside and their opinions will always have too much impact on your relationship?

To conclude this article, I don’t want you to blame men for their actions or yourself for choosing what some might consider wrong for you. Instead, I suggest emotional education, self-discovering, and the understanding that life is always moving forward. Life gives all of us, the ones who want to accept it, the opportunity to upgrade our beliefs and behaviors as a way to live accordingly to our authentic selves.

Women need to feel safe and protect by the men in their lives. However, they should let the right guy come in, and most of the time, that guy isn’t the one who gives stomach butterflies the right way.

Take good care of yourself!

Alexandra

References:

Kruger, T. H., Haake, P., Chereath, D., Knapp, W., Janssen, O. E., Exton, M. S., … & Hartmann, U. (2003). Specificity of the neuroendocrine response to orgasm during sexual arousal in menJournal of Endocrinology177(1), 57-64.

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Silence is a Lie!

May is the month of mental health awareness, and I couldn’t let this month vanish away without writing something about it.

I will use the quote of Jordan B. Peterson, a Canadian clinical psychologist, as it saves within it an important aspect of lives as human beings. Which is:


“When you have something to say, silence is a lie!”.

How many of us ever thought about it? How many of us had something to say but didn’t talk about it because of fear? How many of you silently covered injustices made by others. Or worst, did let others suffering injustices because of what could be the consequences of pointing out the truth?

Shutting up injustices, indignations, or diminish your voice as a way to please others is detrimental to mental health. Silence is a lie and can kill you. Why do you think that every day we see in newspapers cases of adolescents and adults killing themselves? Are they crazy? What leads someone to take away life as the last option of surviving the chaos?

When you have something to say, silence is a lie!

When you don’t allow someone to be who they are and express their needs, silence is a lie!

When you let somebody else opinions interfere with your living objectives, projects, and emotional well-being, silence is a lie!

When you nod your head like a puppet or ram saying yes when you want to say no, silence is a lie!

When you leave someone in a vacuum because you don’t know how to deal with their’s emotions and vulnerabilities, your silence is a lie!

When you let your bosses, teachers, intimate partners, family members, or communities get away with their abusive/toxic behaviors, silence is a lie!

Someone who wants to please everyone lives an entire life in constant disappointment. FACT!

WHAT IS YOUR VOICE? WHERE IS YOUR VOICE?

Throughout our lives, we will find people willing to sabotage, criticize or diminish the actions or words of others. It doesn’t matter. Why should it matter? Why should it matter for you if someone decides to disappear or pull away because he or she couldn’t handle your truth? This world has around 7 billion people living in it, and you can be sure there are plenty of them who would give anything to be with and cherish you.

Is your pain real? TALK ABOUT IT! Are you suffering because someone or something hurt you deeply? TALK ABOUT IT!

Mental health is a serious topic that we shouldn’t joke around. Mental health problems can happen at any age, and it is necessary awareness and more education about it. For example, kids and young adults spend most of their daily hours at school teachers. As teachers, it isn’t our job to educate ourselves continuously? And therefore, intervene in time and accordingly to support students emotionally? What is our role near families and communities in general?

The main message of this article is one:

When you silence yourself, silence is a lie! And your silence is the perpetrator of unlimited injustices and mental health issues not only for you but also for people in your community like you, men and women who want to express themselves, living their lives and dreams to the fullest.

With love,

Alexandra

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Decoding Women: Love, Timing and Why You Will Lose Us.

Ouso Escrever

I’m not the kind of woman who likes to gives a sugar coat to anything. Because the more we avoid reality, the more we will fall into unnecessary traps that can lead us to traumatic emotional experiences. My personal opinion is that men and women are experiencing what we might call relationships à la carte, which for some individuals, aren’t necessarily a good thing. But many engage in these relational dynamics in hopes that the other person will change.

The followed article is for emotionally healthy women and the guys who love us. It is an explanation why time matters for women and that we fall in love faster than you.

Enjoy!

  1. We like to hear from you every day. No, we don’t like it when you sleep with us and then disappear for days or weeks, giving us superficial excuses. When we have sex with you, we already are…

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75 Years Of Cher

What can we say about her? The fashion icon, the athlete, the singer, the actress, but after all, the resilient woman who turns today 75. 

Cher possesses within her and her long career an important and clear message. It doesn’t matter how much time it will take, as long as you know what you want and where you want to be. We are capable of everything. She had bankruptcy after her divorce from Sonny Bonno and in the early ’80s. She was married to the singer Gregg Allman for only one year, and yes, she had many relationships with younger men, and most of them well know in the public scene. Such as Val Kilmer and Tom Cruise. 

However, and even defining herself as a shy person, the reality is she became the first woman on television wearing fancy clothing showing the belly bottom. But also the first woman in the music industry who had a movie clip censored by MTV. Who doesn’t remember the famous clip for the song “If I Could Turn Back Time”? 

Living in this “phenomenal” era where everyone is editing their photos to attract superficial attention and validation, Cher is the personification of what self-confidence and beauty mean. 
The example of that you might lose everything in your life, but there will always be one opportunity waiting, which will catapult you to your path, to your correct direction. 

Everyone said that her career wouldn’t last. Everyone laughed when they saw her name on a movie screen. But she is here and still recording good music at her age. 

Like she said: “No matter what people say about you, and people have said some pretty terrible things about me, you just don’t give up.” 

Life has highs and lows, but never gives something that you can’t handle. So if someone can’t handle your low and weakest moments, that person can’t be part of your victories. Nor should you stay longer in situations that will only deplete or hurt you. 

At the end of the day, girl, thanks a lot for being my fashion inspiration. But also someone who stands out from the crownd without fear of speaking or pointed out what is wrong. That’s class. That’s a woman in her pure and brutal nature. 

And yes, Cher! “A man is not a necessity, a man is a luxury.” 😉 

With Love,

Alexandra

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Let’s Talk About Financial Abuse And Why It Matters.

“Keep in mind that a director can be held personally liable for actions taken by the company.”

Be it in intimate relationships or company environments, financial and power abuse is the daily bread of many people’s lives. It is serious, detrimental, impactful, and can lead to suicide if the person doesn’t have the necessary support in all life’s spheres to recover from pressure. While it is true that the way we deal with difficulties reveals a lot about our personality, it is also true that law and the system itself aren’t formed to protect people, quite the opposite.

Financial abuse is a form of control where someone deliberately feels entitled to interfere with their partner’s or company’s ability to acquire, use, and maintain economic resources (Adams, Sullivan, Bybee, Greeson, 2008). It also can involve behaviors in terms to sabotage and exploit financial resources, including employment. (Postumus, Plummer, Stylianou, 2016).

The literature is rich in defining what financial and power abuse is. But why are social and law systems lazy at protecting the victims?

The answer to the above question is simple to answer. Because and according to Braaf & Barrett Meyering (2010), economic abuse is considered one of the most hidden or subtle forms of violence. So the easiness to make CEOs responsible for company bankruptcy or label someone as financially dependent on their partner is quite prevalent as the abuse runs behind the scenes. And in companies matters, the abusers know that they will never be responsible for their actions, but the CEOs will. CEOs and directors are the legal faces of their companies for better or for worst.

As Valentine & Breckenride (2016) defended, financial abusers deliberately cause housing insecurities by not making rent or mortgage payments. But also, according to Breckenridge, Walden, & Flax (2014), interfere at workforce or company decisions sabotaging prosperity and the well-functioning. Or by making it impossible for family members to access education.

O’Reilly and Chatman (2020) pointed out that society tends to follow, enable and believe in dangerous individuals to organizations, institutions, and countries. Firstly, because of the misconception between what is a Transformational Leader and a Narcissistic leader. And secondly, because those individuals tend to be so charismatic that they can inspire others to pursue a collective goal even if it is a dangerous goal. However, companies can stop attracting these individuals by changing how they conduct interviews, creating what the authors called Structured Behavioral Interviews that focus on behaviors that reveal a candidate’s true intentions and character traits (entitlement, grandiosity, integrity, hostility). Those interviews also should include discussion of past experience because success isn’t a synonym of “clean path”.

“Once you blow the whistle, you’ve lost your career; you’re going to be deposed and dragged into lawsuits. This is going to take over your life.” by Dale Harley

Harley’s quote (2020), without referring to it, is talking about what you suffer when others enable what you are calling out. Enablers can be divide into three groups, according to Greenberg (2020). Enablers who take delight in ruining other people’s lives. Enablers who are vulnerable and don’t possess the strength to voice their objections and finally the ones who are on their way to becoming a predator themselves.

Let’s use now the enabling behavior in intimate relationships and companies. When you disclose to a close friend that you have been suffering in your relationship, your partner is withholding information and assets. But the other person invalidates or denies your reality by saying everyone in relationships lives that. That’s enabling and perpetuating the abuse.

If you are CEO of one company trying to recovering the company from a backseat, but someone external and without legal powers is acting as the CEO and doing negotiations at your back with the approval and alliance of others, that’s enabling. This enabling and abuse of power is what leads every day many companies and entire families to bankruptcy.

I was there, and I know how it feels! It is highly shameful, repugnant, and detrimental to mental health. It is unbelievable when governments want your company to pay absurd amounts of taxes, but in return, offer no protection against lawsuits. It is surreal when one judge says that everyone can cultivate the lands of your company. And use the water irrigation system in it because they want you to hire a lawyer, spend a bunch of years, money, health in the courts defending your LEGITIMATE rights.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Never have afraid to blow the whistle. Yes, we may lose our job, our “position”. But as long as you have health and your whole body functioning, WE CAN START OVER AGAIN!

Financial abuse is genderless, and in some cases, can have more serious consequences in men as they tend not to verbalize what’s going on. Or to have a net of sources where they can ask for help.

Signs of Financial abuse in intimate relationships according to Zeiderman (2021):

  1. Withholding money from you or requiring you to ask for money
  2. Controlling whether or not you can work
  3. Making sure that you spend down the money you earn on all the family expenses, but they save the money they earn in an account that you can’t access.
  4. Showing interest in your retirement funds or other funds more than normal.
  5. Insisting on knowing how every dollar or euro you earn is spent.



    I would add:

  6. Force you to work in the family business without pay?
  7. Refuse to pay bills for accounts that are in your name in order to ruin your credit?
  8. Asking you to be his or her’s guarantor without letting you know the conditions of the loan. Or access to any kind of information.

As I mentioned recently to someone, always be sure to take care of yourself and your assets by seeking professional advice in the “shadows”. It doesn’t matter what they do or not. What matters here is YOU and YOUR FUTURE.

With love,

Alexandra

References:

Adams, A. E., Sullivan, C. M., Bybee, D., & Greeson, M. R. (2008). Development of the scale of economic abuse. Violence Against Women, 14, 563–588. doi:10.1177/1077801208315529

Braaf, R., & Barrett Meyering, I. (2010). Seeking security: Promot- ing women’s economic wellbeing following domestic violence (pp. 1–131). Sydney, Australia: University of New South Wales, Australian Domestic and Family Violence Clearinghouse, Aus- tralia Dept. of Families, Housing, Community Services and Indi- genous Affairs.

Breckenridge, J., Walden, I., & Flax, G. (2014). Staying home leaving violence evaluation: Final report (pp. 1–149). Sydney, Australia: Gendered Violence Research Network, UNSW.

Postmus, J. L., Plummer, S. B., & Stylianou, A. M. (2016). Measuring economic abuse in the lives of survivors: Revising the Scale of Economic Abuse. Violence Against Women, 22, 692–703. doi:10. 1177/1077801215610012

Valentine, K., & Breckenridge, J. (2016). Responses to family and domestic violence: Supporting women? Griffith Law Review, 1–15. doi:10.1080/10383441.2016.1204684

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The Art of Oral Sex: Beyond Excitement an Opportunity to Bond.

As Diamond (1998) described, humans are a highly sexed species compared to other mammals, and perhaps, for this reason, oral sex might be a product of just having pleasure. However, it is well known that in our era, giving and receiving oral sex gives not only a special touch to intimate relationships but also can be an adaptative function. And here is something interesting to share and to know, the “recurrent risk of sperm competition“.

The “recurrent risk of sperm competition” means that the more a man finds his woman attractive, and therefore other men can try to lure her away from the relationship, the more he will want to give her cunnilingus.

Also, when a man is away from his partner for a long period, he tends to ejaculate great amounts of sperm to prevent the risk of raising children from somebody else. Men have always been concerned about making sure that the offspring were theirs because looking at our species evolution and knowing that women have one limited number of eggs to fertilize. For evolutionary and survival reasons, we, women, tend to seek the best partner possible to assure that our offspring will survive with the best possible genes.

Humans are animals. So, Pham and Schackelford (2013) gave us great insight that some human behaviors have an evolutionary function be they conscious or not. However, and as a woman, I can talk. We connect with men throughout our minds and conversations. Sex is what I describe as the strawberry we give to them if they fulfill our intimacy needs.

Sexuality and the act of sex itself are present in our lives since a very early stage. In reality, all of us are the fruits of a sexual act between two people. So why we still have shame talking about sex in an educative and propose way? Why do we try to ridicule the benefits of being able to talk about sex?

Oral sex is more than perform sex out of the standard norm, as cunnilingus or fellatio preludes more than the simply vagina or penis stimulation with the mouth. It requires trust and the understanding of your partner’s body. It implies to be present at the moment, knowing that the clitoris is made with the same tissue of the penis gland but with more than twice of the pleasurable nerve endings that the penis possesses. So do you know how it feels when you left out women’s clitoris from the equation? Can you imagine yourself having sex without your penis? Well, we can’t have sex with you without our clitoris.

How many movies or television series can you remember out of the bat presenting scenes of cunnilingus or fellatio performances?

And do you know why those movies featuring cunnilingus scenes rate NC-17 (NC-17 No children under 17 admitted)and fellatio only NC-13 (No children under 13 admitted)? 

Because male sexuality is the norm, female sexuality is the extreme. Interestingly, this leads me to another dimension. The dimension of how ashamed women can be about sex when encountering a partner, having afraid to tell them preferences and tastes in bed.

Oral sex and sex itself is an art, the art of knowing your partner and embrace him or her as your person. To provide oral sex requires from you the ability to know yourself, the capacity to soothe the anxiety of which sexual encounter involves. It is the anticipation of something greater, the anticipation of your climax and surrender of the idyllic mundane pleasures. “Let’s fuck” should never be understood as a detrimental invitation but as a normal reaction from the person who loves you and wants to lavish you in his or her’s love. Dirty talk in the bedroom or outside of it is the pure environment for flourishing love. The ultimate betrayal isn’t that you shared your body with other people, but you involved your life in secrecy, leaving outside the person you shouldn’t.

The purpose of this article, like many others before, is to provide education and emotional freedom. As a woman and human, I love sex, and I do talk openly about it, but I don’t engage in sexual filtration or whatsoever if I don’t like the person. Or I don’t reveal my intimate bedroom matters because what involves another person should remain in the realms of couplehood privacy.

Allow yourself to experience the best sex and life possible, and make sure that you choose the right person to do that with you. More than chasing dangerous excitement or amazing bodies, look for someone who can mirror your necessities by assisting. And “wear your shoes” in times of need.

The art of oral sex is the same as having a fulfilling relationship with your partner. It requires the whole of you to make it work. But also the skill sets to put aside the whimsical industry of self-love because you just know what you want and who you are when dealing with others. Always remember this.

With love,

Alexandra

References:

Diamond, J. (1998). Why Is Sex Fun? : Basic Books.

Pham, M. N., & Shackelford, T. K. (2013). Oral sex as infidelity-detection. Personality and Individual Differences, 54(6), 792-795. dos: http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2012.11.034

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Brain Functioning and Healing Connection: The Subconscious Mind

Grief is the acute pain that accompanies loss. For days, weeks, months, or even years, after losing someone. We may wake up in the morning with a heavy sensation of sadness. In reality, this is your conscious mind receiving information from the subconscious parts of your brain that you need to heal from the traumatic experience you have endured.

However, it is important to clarify what is the conscious and the subconscious mind.

When we talk about the conscious mind, we referring to all of the thoughts, feelings, and wishes of which we are aware. But also about our mental processing, the ability to talk and think rationally.

Relatively to the subconscious mind, we are talking about a different animal. And a new whole dimension of our mental processes. Which can give us rich information on how and why we are the way we are.

Think about your subconscious mind as a huge memory bank account with unlimited capacity to store information. Let’s say that by the age of 30, you have saved in your brain more than one hundred times the content of one entire encyclopedia. With this said, the subconscious mind exists to make sure that we will act or talk always the same way, using the same programmatic, be it good or bad. That’s why hypnosis can be so effective as a treatment to heal emotional injuries or detrimental behaviors which affect our happiness and satisfaction with life.

In reality, love it or not, some subconscious parts of our brains are dangerously animalistic, leading people to make decisions that they will regret later. Did you ever love someone who said “I love you” one day, and in the very next day, broke up with you? I can tell you that the majority of times, it has nothing to do with you. But with subconscious strategies and programming that he or she use to cope with romantic relationships. We call it attachment style injury. Or in other words, at the conscious level, you are a good fit, but their’s subconscious mind signalized you as a threat to their safety.

Everything we do is physiological because our subconscious fears and desires drive our motivations and actions through emotions. (Think about it!)

Your conscience knows what you should do and can guide you. But the subconscious mind, without rewiring will sabotage your conscious efforts.

I have done hypnosis therapy in the last two decades. Yes, I did an impressive and solid work of self-knowledge because I always wanted to be as healthy (emotionally) as possible and deal with others properly. People these days end relationships because THEY DON’T KNOW THEMSELVES! They don’t know how to navigate the different stages of one relationship and don’t understand or want to accept that frustration is part of it, seeking “one notch on the bedpost of life after another.” To avoid frustration, loneliness, and emotional pain, like they are avoiding the plague.

Now, returning to grief and loss, like many other feelings we might experience in our lives, knowing and understanding that our subconscious messages can help us enhance our lives. Avoiding the mental construct imposed by the rules of society is the first step to make everything clear to your mental and emotional needs. Remember that our social environment doesn’t need our brain needs. Here is something of what you can do:

  1. Allow your feelings to wash over you, and “sit” them for a while to start the healing process. 

  2. Honor and replace what you have lost. Replacing loss requires awareness of your needs and willingness to reach out and enrich your life with a brand new environment.

     
  3. Learn how to value life. When we lose someone, something very important to us, this experience will also vanish away whatever is false and not serving us anymore.
    Throughout the pain, we might become more authentic. And we will be able to honor the feeling and person we lost by living our best possible life. 

  4. Avoid fast recipes and common pieces of advice. Instead, educate yourself, and remember that everyone and every brain is different. When someone says you have to move on, this should be a red flag for you because this inoffensive advice carries a lack of empathy and awareness to look at you. 

I will share in the future more material about the subconscious mind. But for now, I want you to think about this:

“Many of us may feel baffled as to why our relationships seem to start so strong but then quickly fall apart. Out of sheer frustration, we may even end up eschewing relationships altogether, thinking perhaps we are just not “lucky in love.”
What we likely don’t realize is that we may be subconsciously sabotaging our relationships through a pattern of unhealthy attractions and behaviors that we aren’t even aware of.”

References:

Pileggi Pawelski, S & Pawelski, J. (2018). Happy Together: Using the Science of Positive Psychology to Build Love That Lasts. New York: TarcherPerigee.

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The Nightmare Maybe

We can translate the “maybe” into intermittent reinforcement. Intermittent reinforcement can be described as you receive a cookie one day and then something sour. In this way, people will be inside a loop where their’s brains will try to rescue the feeling of receiving the cookie. That’s women and men sometimes remain so long in the maybe box, waiting and hoping for that feeling, in the beginning, to come back. 

I know the alluring beginning of what can be a future relationship is very seductive. But sometimes, the butterflies you feel in your stomach are more about terror than excitement. Maybe there is something aloof about him or her, an attractive mystery. Perhaps they talk with you about a brilliant future together, but then they disappear for a couple of days and never respond to your messages or phone calls. Or what was a brilliant future is now a massive MAYBE in your face. 

We shouldn’t wait for the MAYBE to become a YES because of four fundamental things: 

1. Wait for someone who isn’t sure it is equivalent to buy a shining house on the outside but with structural problems that will be hard to fix. 
When you want to buy a house, a car, do you settle for the “maybe” and “I’m not sure?” I don’t think so. 

2. If someone isn’t sure about you, you should be the one who is ready to acknowledge that not only you deserve better. But also, you have the power to walk away from something that will be painful. 

3. Avoid the silence cult. When you silent yourself, you allow bad behavior to happen. Stringing someone along or giving false hopes that something else might happen in the future is bad and unacceptable behavior. It doesn’t matter if we are living in the digital social era. We are still human beings. Human beings need to connect, attach or bond, so normalizing toxic behavior is against our biology. 

4. The more we educate ourselves. The less we will tolerate bullshit (sorry for the expression) from others. 
Western culture in the last two, three decades feeds the sense that everyone should tolerate everything from others. Like everything is ok, and no punishment should be in place. The law system doesn’t protect citizens properly. More and more cases of corruption occur every day. And finally, Intimate relationships are also the reflection of the chaotic atmosphere where a person is discarded whimsically like never before. You don’t fulfill the game, the perfect image. You are out of the league. Simple as that. 
So to avoid this altogether, educate yourself for real, not with random self-help books, but with scientific literature about human psychology, brain functioning, and finally, be yourself! 

Between grey or sunny days, always be sure to choose what is correct for your stability and emotional well-being.  

With Love,

Alexandra

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Why Can’t You Get Over Them? Let’s talk!

As I wrote in the past, breakups are difficult. I’ve been there. You have been there too. But if to some getting over someone or the end of an intimate relationship is relatively easy. For others, it may take years or never fully recover from it.

When a relationship ends, one of the most tumultuous aspects of the loss is that you think you are doing fine, but then, out of a sudden, feelings of confusion, disgust, fear, anger, and pain start to daunt your mind. It doesn’t matter if you were in a turbulent relationship or not. When the breakup occurs and if you didn’t have the necessary closure of that chapter. If you didn’t give yourself the real explanation you needed, sooner or later, all the unresolved feelings will resurface.

Why? Because something, someone, or your subconscious scripts (from past experiences and childhood) are triggering your brain to ask for resolution. And this is why I am a true advocate that women and even men should ask for professional guidance if the loss was heavy and impactful to emotional well-being.

Every relationship is impactful to our brains and neurons’ functioning. Now, imagine that you were in a relationship where your needs aren’t being met. Do you have an idea of how this is detrimental to your brain? How addictive can it be because you were there all the time trying to get “oxygen” to save the relationship and to be seen? Even if the relationship ended because it had to end. It is incredibly disorienting to go from a state where you have the stimulus of having someone to not having it anymore.

Now that everything is over, and even if you had enough time to recognize that you are better without that relationship. Your brain is still figuring out how to decrease all the stimulation it had become used to like you were weaning from psychotropic substances.

Everything that you experienced or are still experiencing is normal and ok to feel, instead of blaming yourself and try to rescue the blissful moments portraiting your ex as the one. Remember who you are and where you want to be. Remember that you have control over your emotions, and your worthiness doesn’t depend on how your ex feels about you. I’m also talking about self-knowledge and self-compassion.

Just know that you’re not alone. And here are some things to avoid in the future: 

  1. Be careful with things such as “the one” or “soul mates”;
  2. It doesn’t matter if you are 32 or 52. Give yourself the peace you deserve because your person is somewhere. But first, you have to be your person.
  3. Unfortunately, relationships can end because they can’t love you as you deserve or respond to it at your level.
  4. Take charge of your emotions, and don’t afraid to be upfront about your needs and desires. 
  5. Feeling alone is okay.
  6. Be gentle with yourself and remember that time isn’t a good indicator in your grieving process, but how you feel is. 
  7. Take responsibility for your healing process because the onus is on you to revolve remaining anxiety, frustration, and fear. 

Remember, WE HAVE TO FEEL TO HEAL! And your brain can be your best friend or your worst enemy!

With love,

Alexandra

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For Women Who Love Men With a Narcissistic Parent.

There is plenty of information and disinformation about narcissism, but when it comes to information about how it affects others, scarcity is relevant. Narcissistic people use others as objects, and their children, sons or daughters, are no exception.

As I explained in the previous article, sons, and daughters of narcissistic parents were never seen. They were tools used for validation and taught that love is conditional, no matter what they provide. So to feel, at least safe, they should rely only on themselves facing a lifetime of self-doubt and anxieties, struggling to feel loved.

Educators, parents, and society should understand that no children deserve to experience the burden of being the receiving ending of frustration and emotional demands from adults. In reality, children are born free, which down the road, requires parents and an educational system in tune with their emotional – developmental needs.

Can narcissistic or emotionally unavailable parents provide it? No! Cases of depression, chronic anxiety, substance abuse, and emotional instability (development of attachment issues such as avoidant, fearful-avoidant, and anxious) among men and women are related to difficult upbringing, even though they tend to describe it as idyllic.

When reaching adulthood, and need to bond with other people. Men who have narcissistic mothers or fathers will face great difficulties with emotional intimacies even if the wounds are likely layered and not always easy to spot. It will affect the quality and prosperity of intimate relationships. Sexual dysfunctioning, womanizing behavior, or eroticized rage is very common.

A narcissistic relationship is equal to a psychological possession, and women who love men with narcissistic mothers should know that at some level, the man they love belongs to his mother.

If you are a woman who loves a man with a narcissistic parent, here’s what you should expect:

  1. Your boyfriend or husband might feel guilty and obligated because he has to choose between you and his mother all the time. 
  2. You might feel like you are the other woman, mostly when he doesn’t protect you or stand by your side.
  3. He is overly insecure, struggles with self-esteem, and is extremely sensitive to invalidation or criticism.
  4. He Suffers from toxic loyalty binds towards his mother and family of origin, which is detrimental to the new forging bonds. 
  5. Overly concerned about appearances and impression management.
  6. Because he was manipulated and emotionally abandoned by his mother or other narcissistic parent, he fears being engulfed and controlled by you. This engulfment and controlling fear may make him decline your sexual advances or have sex just when he wants and needs. 
  7. He might see or perceive oral sex as the swallow of the self. Losing an erection or not wanting it at all. 
  8. He is a high-achiever person, self-sabotager, or both. 
  9. You might feel that you are walking on eggshells and constantly editing how you think/talk because he might not fully understand your feelings.
  10. You see and sense that your boyfriend or partner has no clear boundaries letting others cross the line more often than not, resulting if you call it out, you are the one who is wrong and the one to blame. 
  11. There is in the air the feeling that, sooner or later, you will be discarded for no apparent reasonable reason. Your body might notice and give you all the signs such as digestive issues and hormonal changes, trouble with memories and speech, muscle tightness, and gut reactions. 
  12. The existence of a hidden agenda is always on the table, and you will notice it. The hidden agenda can be getting married. Or have a child as a form to please the family and receive their validation.
  13. Your love will never be enough looking unfamiliar, and your kindness seems unnatural to your boyfriend, partner, or husband.
  14. It will be noticeable that the man you love can’t relax, always trying to find something else to make him or you busy.

More than look at the signs. Every woman in this sort of situation should ask herself if her’s emotional needs are being met and if the man she loves is aware of the whole situation willing to seek therapy to heal. Learn how to build healthy boundaries with other people. Learn how to say no or rebuilt a new versus stronger image of himself as a whole individual.

Some sons of narcissistic parents become narcissists themselves, and for this reason, they tend to feel good with the abusive dynamic, never seeking professional help to heal. But the price they pay is higher than any achievement because the inner loneliness and emotional void will always be present.

Sadly, the validation and perpetuation of this scenario leave a trail of emotionally broken individuals who are constantly searching for the “perfect one” or “the one” as a way to fulfill one void. When, in truth, diving deep into hidden traumatic events with the guidance of a good therapist or trained professional in narcissistic abuse. Would solve, heal, and set free these men from pain while reprogramming their subconscious paradigms and old painful stories around intimacy, women, and love.

Never remain in situations if it can damage your core values and worthiness. Love is a school where you have to be brutally honest ready to give and receive lessons because only this way will growth happen.

With love,

Alexandra

References:

Adams, K.A. (2011). Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners.Deerfield, Fl: Health Communications Inc.

Adams, K.M. (2007) When He’s Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment. New York: Fireside.

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Son’s of Narcissistic Mothers: What Should You Know about it?

Today’s article is about one of the most controversial topics in our society, the relationship between a narcissistic mother and her son, how it will affect a boy’s emotional development and ability to maintain healthy relationships with other people, including future female partners. This article will also be part, partially, of my Master’s thesis next year because the scientific work that I am already writing is about emotional abuse and how it impacts our daily lives.

I hope the knowledge that I will expose here can help as many men as possible. To get out of toxic relationships and also breaks bonds that prevent them from experience life truly. And freely.

As I mentioned in previous articles, I don’t want you to use this information to call people out. But for self-protection and education, instrumentalizing yourself with the necessary tools to navigate and set free from toxic drama finding peace with you and others. Narcissism is real, one real form of abuse, which can leave you scars for the rest of your life. Also, once again should be mentioned that just because someone is a narcissist. That doesn’t mean he or she has NPD (Narcissistic personality disorder).

Now, think about this quote:

A Healthy World would Start with a Healthy Mother.

then,

What is the role of a healthy mother?

Parenting behaviors have been identified as one of the key mechanisms through which parents directly influence children’s development and wellbeing. For this reason, a healthy mother will teach and raise us to face the world. She is warm, nurturing, but will also set the necessary boundaries for our development, letting us know what is ok to accept or not from others. She might not be perfect at times, but she intuitively knows that a child is not her property but rather an independent individual.

However, when we are talking about a narcissistic mother, the situation is different. Talking about narcissistic mothers is the synonym of neglect, enmeshment, idealization, and criticism. Triangulation, seduction, envy, control, shame, because she wants to be the center of her’s son life, using him as a source of validation to fulfill her’s unrealistic needs for high regard and admiration.

What is the damage a narcissistic mother can do to her son?

Be you the son of a narcissistic father or mother. You never felt loved for who you are but instead for everything you could provide to your parents, but talking about men who are sons of narcissistic mothers. You learned to silence your needs, feelings and wants by accommodating only the wishes of your mother. Whose handicap (silence) became a nightmare in your adulthood relationships. Perhaps you self-sacrificed your boundaries feeling now resentful towards every woman, thinking they will use you as your mother did.

In reality, perhaps you heard from your mother that women are out there to use you. Or they only want your money. Like it or not, this constant talking is now print in the subconscious/unconscious mind leading you to self-prophecies by sabotaging even healthy relationships or pushing away women who love you as you deserve.

Son’s of narcissistic mothers feel unsafe to express their feelings. Therefore having been manipulated, emotionally abandoned will avoid intimacy (something that he wants the most), prompting his partner to demand more closeness which will escalate his apprehension and emotional barriers.

Some sons of narcissistic mothers may develop or become narcissists themselves. Others might become people pleasers. Or repeat their maternal relationship with women who are demanding, controlling, and abusive. He might partner with older women, addicts, or narcissists because this way will be able to feel the same intoxicating familiarity of his mother’s bond, ending relationships with a healthy woman out of nowhere just because his mother is unhappy with his choice. A healthy woman will be a threat to his mother and a competition source that she wants to avoid.

How can a man who is the son of a narcissistic mother heal?

  1. Recognizing that he is worthy of love.
  2. Learning how to set boundaries and protect his intimate relationships from external attacks and nosy people. 
  3. Learning how to prioritize his partner and protect her.
  4. Protecting his mind and rewrite a new paradigm about intimacy and relationships.
  5. Accepting that narcissism exists and now that he is an adult, he has the power to say no and decline what goes against his core values. 
  6. Rebuilding his self-esteem by also accepting that there are in the world good women who will love him for who he is. 
  7. Knowing that if his mother doesn’t accept his partner, that’s her problem. 
  8. Love is giving and receiving.
  9. He is an individual and deserves to feel safe.
  10. Seeking professional help without feeling shame. Because at the end of the day, he is a human needing help. 

Now, to conclude, I am leaving some words of love for these men. As a woman and teacher, I understand how much society and roles teach us not to express ourselves adequately. This reality is harsh for men being our duty to change this reality as soon as possible.

Men are also targets of abusive environments, more than we know. And today, I brought to the table one of the reasons and one of the situations that we should be aware of as the more we teach, the more reality will change.

You don’t need to suffer in silence. You can trust people, but you have to pay attention to people’s red flags by setting boundaries. Real boundaries. Allow yourself to heal by seeking professional help with a psychologist trained in narcissistic abuse because, with time, someone healthy and stable will appear in your life.

It will be hard but will be worthy as you deserve it!

With love,

Alexandra

DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE.

References:

Adams, K.A. (2011). Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners.Deerfield, Fl: Health Communications Inc.

Adams, K.M. (2007) When He’s Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment. New York: Fireside.

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Forgiveness? Think Twice Before You Decide to Forgive

It was my prerequisite since the beginning of this site to bring education and knowledge to my readers. I don’t care about how many followers I have. I do care that those who are here reading my writing receive the best possible information, and with it, they will be able to choose better while enriching their lives.

As a teacher and woman, it is easy to understand that we face a moment in our lives that everything seems confusing, and almost everyone is throwing away words such as forgiveness. Or the typical sentence, “You have to forgive and love yourself to move on!”.

I admit that forgiveness possesses a powerful force of healing and reconciliation. But before deciding to forgive or not, I invite and challenge you to think about something very important.
Forgiveness has been treated as a panacea or key solution for moving on towards the happy ending. Suggesting that if we can’t forgive, there is something wrong with us, or it is vindictive self-protection and victimhood. These assumptions only dismiss people’s feelings, the pain and trauma they might feel, and to be honest, it is a shaming attitude.

There is nothing wrong with you if you can’t forgive. In reality, taking the time to process all the information is not only healthy. But also intelligent and empowering. Forgiveness isn’t the best remedy in some situations and can make you literally sick. Be wary of people, articles, and books who talk about forgiveness as the key to everything.

Here’s something to think about forgiveness: 

  1. Urging forgiveness might ignore the fact that you were hurt, and for this reason, before thinking about it, let other emotions such as anger and sadness arise. You are a human being, not a machine. Keep this in your mind. 

  2. Encouraging someone to let go or forgive before the natural process of processing human emotions is hurtful and can be damaging. Suppressing your feelings can lead to depression and physical disturbances long term. 

  3. Advising people to forgive or “move on” when they experienced a recent injury. It is dismissive and minimizes the pain felt. Promoting forgiveness without understanding and shim the other person’s shoes is hurtful and harmful. 

  4. Don’t advise forgiveness or letting go if someone has suffered any kind of injustice profoundly because it will be ignorant, suspect, and disrespectful. Forgiveness ignores some of the most profound injuries of our time and, in these specific cases, comes from people who don’t mirror their actions. Should we forgive an abuser or someone who destroyed through their actions an entire family? 

  5. Did you know that advising forgiveness can ignore the power of confronting an offender? Calling someone out means that you will stop, in most cases, the perpetuation of injustices. And this is one of the biggest problems of our current social culture, the culture of harmful silence. 

Forgiveness is powerful but before advising it to anyone or even you decide to forgive someone, think about the diversity of injuries and how you or the other person you are counseling is feeling. We need to call people out and stop being a society of conniving where in the blink of a blind eye, people are hurt constantly. The only way development and social equality will happen by starting to call people out because of their bad actions. But also by stepping into the role of being an active citizen. And this can’t happen by silent your voice. 

With love,

Alexandra

DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE.

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Movie: The Girl On The Train – How Narcissistic Abuse Change Our Reality

In the past, as long as I can remember, I wrote three articles about narcissism. From them, I could understand how easily misunderstood and used in vain is the word narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder these days. To clarify,

Not all people who have evident and harmful traits of narcissism carry necessarily narcissistic personality disorder. Also, the idea that narcissists are in love with themselves and looking at the mirror all the time, nothing could be farther from the truth.

In reality, behind the charming independent facade, they perceive themselves as weak, not good enough, profoundly insecure, empty, which leads them to abuse/use other people as sources of narcissistic supply, seeking validation from the outside world.

Even though narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder can overlap by sharing common traits, someone with higher narcissistic traits may be mildly self-centered at times, feeling regret for their actions, seeking power, money, and prestige. But one individual with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) possesses a much more ingrained, pervasive pattern of toxicity that affects their’s and other’s lives. However, at the end of the day, both can be very damaging. Your role should be not pathologizing them but educate and protect yourself from these dynamics. Everyone these days claims to have a narcissist in their lives, which is pretty much the truth. Even so, shifting your attention to what really matters, YOU, Is the key to heal altogether, all affected spheres in your life.

Narcissistic abuse is real and rising. Like psychologists and psychiatrist’s community claims it is the twenty-one-century pandemic. Narcissists and people with NPD are also responsible for more work-related lawsuits because they have trouble taking criticism. The same happens when it comes to intimate relationships. They aren’t good at it at all, choosing their partners based on what they have to offer rather than what the person represents as a whole individual.

Many reported cases of “difficult” divorces with financial losses, mind games, gaslighting, cognitive dissonance, and many other aspects are part of these deadly toxic relationships, which can kill you literally!

No one is born a narcissist. Narcissism is built by traumatic and damaging events during upbringing. Existence of narcissistic parents that use their children as a supply fountain, excessive praise from a young age, etc. Supporting this evidence, studies using functional magnetic resonance imaging could identify that the Insular cortex (anterior insula responsible for emotions regulation) and cerebral cortex (thinking and reasoning part of the brain) of narcissists had abnormalities.

The Girl On The Train

The Girl On The Train is a 2016 American mystery psychological thriller film that explains how relationships with narcissists or even sociopaths can be detrimental to mental health and life in general. Victims are lead to believe that they are defective and not good enough. The psychological and financial abuse over the years is the usual trap to maintain them inside captivity. Emily Blunt did a great job in this movie by portraying faithfully what happens in extreme cases and how the victims are discreditable before society and close people. Yet, Justin Theroux, on the other hand, gives all the signals we should be aware of when dealing with people close to us. How the lack of empathy, entitlement. And an over-inflated sense of greatness and importance can prejudice the lives of everyone around.

To conclude, I would like to emphasize the importance of correct education for children (not exploitation), watch out for your actions on social media (now the favorite place for narcissism). Be careful and aware of influencers. Because there is a clear distinction between someone who has studied, trained, worked to know what they know from someone full of bullshits who want praise, followers and are authentic toxic minefields for those who watch them.

With love,

Alexandra

References:

Gu, X., Hof, P. R., Friston, K. J., & Fan, J. (2013). Anterior insular cortex and emotional awareness. Journal of Comparative Neurology, 521(15), 3371-3388.

Hagmann, P., Cammoun, L., Gigandet, X., Meuli, R., Honey, C. J., Wedeen, V. J., & Sporns, O. (2008). Mapping the structural core of human cerebral cortex. PLoS biology, 6(7).

Hotchkiss, S. (2008). Why is it always about you?: the seven deadly sins of narcissism. Simon and Schuster.

Lerner JS, Li Y, Valdesolo P, Kassam KS. Emotion and decision making. Annu Rev Psychol. 2015; 66:799–823.

Uddin, L. Q., Nomi, J. S., Hebert-Seropian, B., Ghaziri, J., & Boucher, O. (2017). Structure and function of the human insula. Journal of clinical neurophysiology: official publication of the American Electroencephalographic Society, 34(4), 300.

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Head Games and Yo-Yo Relationships: Spotting and Avoiding Toxicity

Although the word toxic is becoming a usual label everywhere and for everyone, we should be careful not only to use it. But also correctly identify what is toxic by running away from it or avoiding altogether in the first place.

Head games or yo-yo relationships are a typical example of toxicity in the dating/intimate universe.

Head games: Are emotional tactics to make the other person hooked on the relationship. Emotional confusion but also to build up affection and dependency towards the individual who is playing those games. It can be breadcrumbing, gaslighting, etc. While stringing you along without the intention of fully commit with you.

Yo-Yo Relationships: It seems that you are in a committed relationship, but the other person is holding back at the same time the fundamental requirements of what creates a meaningful connection, giving occasional rewards to keep you hooked and then reject. Whenever rejections come up, you will remember the good times immediately and try to pursue those moments again as a form to rescue the relationship. (Intermittent reinforcement)

Important Note:

Intermittent reinforcement is addictive and dangerous, defined as an addiction to seeking rewards in unhealthy situations that can occur at work or in love relationships. And this is the reason why gambling, for example, can be so problematic. Sometimes you win, and other times you lose, intermittent reinforcement, leading to another try in hopes that winning will be there. Victims of intermittent reinforcement are always hoping that they will be seen and receive the love they deserve from their partners because, in the past, they were. At least it is what they think.

Now, as you can comprehend, head games, yo-yo relationships, intermittent reinforcement interconnects with each other being part of the same dynamic/environment. Knowing that young people’s brains are developing up until the age of 25, parents should be more attentive and look after the example of intimate relationships they are giving. But also possess enough emotional literacy to guide and warn their children that early dating is a fertile ground for head games, which can leave deep emotional tolls and profound scars, creating the perfect ambiance for future chaotic adult bonds.

Women and men who grew up with intermittent reinforcement from parents are more vulnerable to get involved with men or women who are inconsistent. Or with men and women who have schizoid personalities. Because the alternation between intense involvement and cold distance strikes the familiar subconscious programming where the rule is: if I give just a little more of my love, attention, and presence, they will wake up and love me as I deserve.

What can you do to avoid the scenarios above: 

  1. It doesn’t matter why he or she is avoiding or acting ambivalent towards you. Ambivalence and avoidance in intimate relationships is a form of control not only to you but also to how the dynamic should be. 
  2. He or she is what he or she does, not the words they might say. Don’t try to read between the lines, remembering that the yo-yo effect between caring and rejecting is crazy-making. Do you need that?
  3. Get out of your head and into your body. Our bodies always have the answer we need even when our minds are playing or trying to find all the crazy unsustainable pieces of evidence. To remain in what is more than over. Bodies carry emotions that may not have registered in our minds. Dismiss the old saying: “It’s all in your head!”. Wrong! Everything or almost everything you need to know is in your body.
  4. You can take charge, and by doing it remember your worth. Everything was fantastic at the beginning of your relationship. I know, at least it was the impression, but at the same time, something was quite off. Shift your attention from “I want this relationship to work” to “I want a real relationship where I can be myself and will work over the test of time because we are both into it, committed”.
  5.  Educate yourself emotionally. Believe it or not, emotional literacy can be a great tool to avoid unnecessary situations and healthily deal with them, understanding how your brain works when triggered and how to self-soothe. 
  6. Remember who you are and what legacy you want to leave behind after your departure. Do you want to LIVE or JUST SURVIVE

Games are games. It doesn’t matter if they are thrilling or not, if they are acceptable or not by society and part of the dating/intimate relationships atmosphere. One of the issues related to the modern culture is the lack of substantial and effective rules that offer guidance and assistance/support by normalizing what is normal and healthy, excluding at the same time what is unacceptable and has contours of emotional predatism.

The power to change resides within our hands and the power of our actions. Through consistent educative examples, we are changing today what will be the environment of our future generations. Living requires actions, not words full of laziness.

With Love,

Alexandra

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What I Think About Marriage And Why Our Expectations Should Change?

Marriages and relationships involve a certain degree of heartbreak and disillusionment. Because in order to really love someone, we must give up the idea that our relationship and partner are the answer to all unmet needs that we possess. However, at the same time, we should never remain too long in unfulfilling dynamics which erode our self-esteem, where we feel constantly rejected, nor accepted, or seen.

Human beings aren’t static creatures that always stay the same in the course of life. Nothing could be more further from the truth. As we change as individuals, what we need from a partner also changes. Perhaps, years ago, we were attracted to the sense of security they provided to us or the distance emotionally and physically because we needed to feel less connected. But now, what was primarily attractive in them no longer is and perhaps, it is even repulsive.

We cannot blame our partner and cannot be blamed for becoming someone else as we go through life. I am sorry, we can’t. But as a woman, I believe we are much more proactive in cutting the ties or calling it quits of one relationship or marriage that doesn’t work any more than men. It is not a betrayal not being the same person. The betrayal happens when we don’t communicate our new self, our new needs, and wantings, no matter how difficult they are.

Although this may sound like heresy, what I will say. The reality is that we should give up on the idea that marriages or relationships are idealistic places where promises of love for one another will last forever it may indeed. But it does require work and commitment from both parties because we can not remove the human part out of the equation, as the fundamental purpose of marriage or relationship is to support and provide encouragement for each of our journeys.

The question should be:

What is true intimacy, and do I know my own truth?

I was never married, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t understand how a real marriage should be. In reality, because I am very aware of this reality and my own truth, I will only get married to someone who can dance with me the truth of life. It may seem like the 007 secret mission, but I won’t give up, and I don’t advise anyone to give up their own truth to please somebody else.

My relationships taught me the precious lesson that when we change, the other person might not be able to walk by our side any longer. And this is completely ok. Today, I am not the same woman I used to be last year or two years ago. Nor for sure ten years ago. This reality should be taken into consideration when the topic is expectations in marriage and relationships. We change, we grow!

I don’t care about the party, the princess dress, or the perfect love like in the movies. All this idea of perfect whatsoever and the endless fairytale is dangerous for your mental health, emotional safety, and bank account. I care about what the man I chose to be with will bring to the table. What is his character? His values? What does he want from life, but most importantly, does he want it with me? I saw people wasting years dating somebody else, and after getting married, filed for divorce. Multiple reasons can explain this, which some of I already wrote about in previous articles. 

Here are some:

  1. Mismatched communication styles
  2. Different attachment styles and not being aware of the emotional triggers around it
  3. Feeling uncomfortable in talking and listen to each other no matter what the topic is
  4. Not spending time together or dismissing the required spiced attitudes to enhance intimacy/closeness
  5. Not being each other’s cheerleader 
  6. Taking for granted the positive aspects of the relationship/marriage
  7. Not surprising one another with random acts of love, vulnerability, and kindness.
  8. etc…

Like all living organisms and animal kingdom, love in a relationship or marriage needs to be nourished to thrive. More often than not, individuals tend to remain longer in relationships, which are unhealthy. Unhealthy, not because the other person is toxic. But because the relationship itself completed the entire cycle of living. And this leads us to the final question of the present article:

Why can it be so hard to leave a failing relationship?

  1. Subconscious comfort zone. We are attracted to what seems familiar because it means safety. For this reason, if someone is dismissing you, how are you dismissing yourself? Why are you making excuses to justify what is wrong at the conscious level?
  2. Core wounds that are still unresolved and afraid to face them. Let’s say that because of past relationships and other traumatic events, your unresolved core wound is rejection or abandonment. Your priority will be to avoid feeling these core wounds. For this reason, men and women tend to remain in unhappy relationships besides the social shame and economic impact that a separation/divorce can create. 

Are love and relationships an easy equation? Yes and no! It all depends on you and the other person to make it work or not. But I would love to enhance this as a conclusion to my article:

If somebody else has chosen to spend their lives with you, no matter the length of time: It’s an honor!

With love,

Alexandra

References:

Bachand, L. & Caron, S. (2001). Ties that bind: A qualitative study of happy long-term marriages. Contemporary Family Therapy, 23(1), 105-121. DOI:10.1023/A:1007828317271

Sprecher, S. (1999). “I love you more today than yesterday”: Romantic partners’ perceptions of changes in love and related affect over time. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 76(1), 46-53. doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.76.1.46

Sternberg, R. J. (1986). A triangular theory of love. Psychological Review, 93(2), 119-135). doi.org/10.1037/0033-295X.93.2.119

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Be human, be the woman – March 8th

It Doesn’t matter to proclaim or claim that March 8th is a special day when beyond the ferocity of living, the meaning of humanity and womanhood has lost the power over the shadows of shame and spirit poverty. Be a woman is more than a social concept, more than an article of Vanity Fair magazine. It is an artistic quality itself that demands the ability to embrace sensuality. Dazzle another human being, creating warmth/welcoming atmospheres. Being a woman is powerful, sexy, and the ultimate goal of humanity, the sacred space where feminity meets masculinity. Yes, we love and need men, not the kind of men living outside of their central energy, but the kind of men who knows how to be the man standing next to us in the demands of life. The key point is to choose based on character and not physical traits, even though, without hypocrisy, the last parameter counts. 

Of course, in some aspects, we need more equality. However, we must acknowledge and recognize that women always had an important role in social dynamics. If not, why the need to institute monogamy 10.000 years ago after the agricultural revolution? Men only surpass women in the three-dimensional vision and some cases, in physical strength. 

But no. It isn’t the moment, space or time, to talk about who surpasses who. In reality, and this is my philosophy. Women and men are the blissful forces that together can create and transform the world. Everything beneath that, sexual assault, domestic violence, and other forms of abuse, including emotional abuse, are far from the real meaning of togetherness and communion, which congregates and praise being a man or woman. 

We, as women, should enjoy ourselves more. Take care of our sexuality, our bodies, our lives, our sexual partners, and everything in general because life is short. Choose a good night of sex over gossip about someone else. Call your friends, family, or your partner in times of need. Learn how to say no. Educate yourself not only in a cognitive way but also emotionally. Be the leader, the teacher, your unique voice matters. And finally, remember: 

It’s not enough to be born as a woman. It is necessary to know how to be a woman.

With love,

Alexandra 

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Dating Life: Why Activation Energy Matters?

According to Oxford Lexico:

Activation Energy is “the minimum quantity of energy which the reacting species must possess in order to undergo a specified reaction.

Why Activation Energy matters in dating and relationships?

The answer is simple, without energy, relationships don’t move forward, don’t involve or survive through the test of time. Nowadays, people are becoming lazier and lazier because new technology provides a safety net for laziness. And online environments created this marketing idea that someone better is waiting somewhere else, feeding low brain functioning, lazy behavior, and murdering at the same time the fundamental reasons why we need to connect with others in the first place.

What are dating apps (OkCupid, Instagram, Facebook, etc.) other than just human shopping windows? Windows of voyeurism, superficiality, and commonality?

Do you get to know someone through edition/filters or by knowing the real facts of their lives? When was the last time you dared to approach someone in the bar and offer to pay for a drink or to have a chat? When was the last time you put yourself in uncomfortable situations which could lead to rejection, but you did it anyway?

Behaviors such as Ghosting, zombieing, breadcrumbing, orbiting, slow fading, unfriending, blocking, and many more are the fruit and reflection of low activation energy. Is it normal? No! Is it detrimental to your mental health? Yes!

Jumping from one relationship to another is nothing more than a synonym of fear and low activation energy. Date multiple partners at the same time is also part of low activation energy. Not only because the human brain can’t deal with multiple choices, but as long as it serves as ego entertainment, there is no reason to decide or chose just one option.

Someone who dismisses you without a sustainable reason is a visible sign of who they are, setting you free from unnecessary pain or traumatic emotional experiences. Even if the “reason” is plausible and your brain tries to dismiss it, accept the reality, heal yourself, and move forward at your pace.

Relationships these days tend to end easily, and this reality is well-documented. Due to superficial arguments, passive-aggressive behavior, attachment style dynamics, low activation energy, poor communication skills, maturity mismatch, fears, the necessity of control, couples don’t remain together. Sadly, what they don’t realize is the lost opportunity to grow and heal that life may in some circumstances never present to them again.

If you are someone who actively spends energy to build flourishing relationships, remember that as long as you are focused on what you want and need, sooner or later, the correct person will appear in your life. Don’t close yourself down in online environments. Go out and meet new people by allowing yourself to experience the real feeling of frustration and perhaps rejection. In reality, you are building and bringing value to your character, your life through resilience and persistence.

Mind you that we are in the middle of a pandemic scene, but it allowed us to look after ourselves, even before thinking about someone. Think about it, and throw through your window human laziness and shallow behavior.

With love,

Alexandra

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How To Let Them Go Gracefully?

My belief, understanding, and dispositional core is that when you are a teacher, psychologist, or at least, a professional working with another human being on a deeper level. It is our responsibility to be emotionally educated and educate others.

We all know that breakups for biological and chemical reasons are a harsh experience to go through. But remain in unhappy and sometimes sexless relationships or marriages is detrimental for our mental health.
The fear of being alone and not finding someone, breadcrumbing adaptation, children’s existence, financial impact, and unpredictable future are reasons that make men and women remain in unhappy relationships.

I want, and it is important, to warn of the effects of breadcrumbing. Breadcrumbing is the act of keeping you hooked as a way of receiving attention, knowing that the relationship will never develop into something more. It is also a way of keeping a date on “hold” and a form of social dynamics in which breadcrumbers are not really attracted to the other person. But are interested in remaining relevant/attractive to others (Navarro et al., 2020)

Be smart, and run away or evacuate yourself from unnecessary painful situations or stories.

Enjoy Susan’s video:

With love,

Alexandra

References:

Navarro, R.; Yubero, S.; Larrañaga, E.; Víllora, B. Ghosting and breadcrumbing: Prevalence and relationships with online dating behaviors among young adults. Cyberpsychol. J. Psychol. Res. Cybers 2020. under review. 

LeFebvre, L.E. Phantom lovers: Ghosting as a relationship dissolution strategy in the technological age. In The Impact of Social Media in Modern Romantic Relationships; Punyanunt-Carter, N.M., Wrench, J.S., Eds.; Lexington Books: New York, NY, USA, 2017; pp. 219–235.

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How To Mend a Broken Heart?

The loss and the end of one intimate relationship can be traumatic and open severe emotional wounds, which will take time to heal. It doesn’t matter how intelligent, beautiful, or emotionally healthy. All of us will experience at some point in life a breakup, the departure of someone we love, and that decision/situation might have nothing to do with us. They might not feel the same as we do, found someone new, or it isn’t the right timing, and that’s completely ok.

The intention of this article isn’t to talk about their reasons for breaking up with you. But to provide you the right tools for healing and move forward.

In the early stages after the breakup, you will experience the pain of a broken heart

What will happen in this period?

  1. The same brain circuits responsible for identifying physical pain are activated. The pain is real, and the pain felt is equivalent to having both legs broken. 

  2. The withdrawal period. Your brain will have the same characteristics as a drug or an alcohol addict who does not consume. 

  3. Emotional Fissure. You feel the need to reaching out to your ex-partner. Or you may adopt stalking and other forms of behavior to keep tabs on them as a way to fulfill the emotional fissure. 

  4. Emotional haze and denial. Because the breakup pain is intense, real, and dramatic, your brain will sabotage and distort the reality by making you think that the breakup reasons are also dramatic, intense, and not simple as it seems, leading to emotional rumination. 

But, what can you do to heal yourself?

  1. Understand that Passion is a state of temporary dementia. Many relationships end when the cocktail hormonal responsible for this phase starts to wears off. You may walk into the next level, but your partner doesn’t. When people are experiencing the passion phase, the Mesolimbic Dopaminergic pathways are active. And this is why it is necessary to take things slowly because this period of excitement won’t last forever. 

  2. Re-write (With a pen and paper) the end of your relationship by highlighting the reasons why the other person wasn’t the right person for you. What didn’t work, and keep that list always with you. It will help you in the withdrawal period to stay sane and in the present moment.  

  3. Take care of your body and emotional well-being by sleeping well, exercising, and choosing healthy food. When you exercise, you produce endorphins, which are responsible for maintaining and protecting your emotional states. 

  4. Learn how to say goodbye, and don’t look for crumbs. The relationship is over. Accept it and let the other person also experience the loss. If they unfriend you on social media platforms, it is ok. Don’t message them, don’t ask why. Save the good memories and everything they gave to you. The relationship was real. He or she was with you, at least, as long as they could.  

  5. Surround yourself with people who love and support you no matter what. In the following stages after a breakup, you will need as much support as you can. Don’t isolate yourself or try to do everything on your own. 

Some personality traits, well documented, explain why some individuals recover faster from breakups than others. That doesn’t mean it will happen healthily. As we know, some individuals who have an avoidant attachment style recover easily from relationships, at least in the superficial level. Because unconsciously, they are still hurt and will seek the same situations.

If you have a friend or someone in your family living a separation or a breakup, don’t give them unnecessary advice such as: “You have to move on!”; “You will find somebody new soon!”; “Let’s create a dating app profile for you!” or “Let’s get you drunk!”.
Be their shoulder and allow your friend or family member to heal at their own pace. As I mentioned before, our brains aren’t prepared to live faster. And process emotions as modern society demands.

With Love,

Alexandra

Em destaque

Let’s Rethink Valentine’s Day Using Gaugin.

Paul Gaugin, the most impressive painter of the nineteenth century, was avant-garde. And the father of the symbolist movement. However, like many other important artists, his work was only recognized after his death in 1903.
All his paintings have an introspective motive behind them, something to dive deep into the essence of human nature.
Today it’s Valentine’s day, and I chose one of his paintings from 1898 called: Where do we come from? What are we? Where are we going?

Aren’t Valentine’s day, like many other days, an invitation to think about, feel, and act from the most self-possessed power of human nature called love? What are we? And from where do we come from, most of us, if not from the act of love and dignity?

More than roses, chocolates, jewels, or whatever you want. The gift should be: How much do I love him or her? What back in the years made me chose him or her? And today, how do I feel? How does he or she feel towards me?

I could spend the whole evening writing about how much mechanical relationships are these days, but that’s the surface or superficial aspect of the issue. The issue is how distracted or how much we want to distract ourselves from reality, pain, internal wounds, bad choices, and the truth. The truth that we take others for granted and that we are sometimes lazy partners. Lazy till the point of killing eroticism and romance.

Aging changes us, and aging can be more terrible for women than for men. Our kids should be the reminders that we were, maybe a long time ago, romantic and erotic creatures, and that’s the fundamental reason why we have them now, the ultimate fruit of love.

Many individuals assume these days that discarding partners (more often than not, good partners) or having relationships through fingers tips on their cell phones with the possibility to unfollow or unfriend their partners is the answer to solve what they perceive as problematic. When in reality, it is this behavior of not taking self-responsibility or seeking solutions that destroy relationships.

Returning to Gauging painting, where do we come from? What are we? Where are we going? We are the dust of the dust, with the intelligence to chose healthily and one hundred percent responsible for the correction of our subconscious programming by gaining self-awareness and recalibrating emotional/physical homeostasis.

Our hearts are the stronger muscle of our bodies. Remember this and enjoy your day alone or with the one you love.

With love,

Alexandra