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Decoding Women: Love, Timing and Why You Will Lose Us.

I’m not the kind of woman who likes to gives a sugar coat to anything. Because the more we avoid reality, the more we will fall into unnecessary traps that can lead us to traumatic emotional experiences. It is my personal opinion that men and women are experiencing what we might call relationships à la carte, which for some individuals, aren’t necessarily a good thing. But many engage in these relational dynamics in hopes that the other person will change.

This article is a message from me as a woman to all men who will read my words, in hopes that it can clarify how falling in love and timing plays an important role on how we choose you, and why you will lose us if you don’t act in time. I also want to warn you that this article is about emotionally healthy women that are ready to have intimate relationships and share a real connection with you.

  1. We like to hear from you every day. No, we don’t like it when you sleep with us and then disappear for days or weeks, giving us superficial excuses. When we have sex with you, we already like you. So, the more we share intimate details of our lives with you, and the more sex we have, the more we will attach and love you. (Hormone Oxytocin explains why this happens)
  2. Yes, we fall in love faster than you. And yes, we will ask you directly where the relationship is going. Not because we are needy, but because we need that clear information to decide our lives and to see if you fit in our future.
  3. When we meet you, we think that you will be different from the guys that we had relationships with before. It is part of human nature and animal selection to seek better mattes of what we had before. No, we don’t need to have a hot sexy guy in bed every day, but we do want to have a partner who can receive and accept our vulnerable moments. So when we are going out with you, yes, we are thinking about how you will be as a long term partner. 
  4. We hate emotional games, and we hate to have to chase you. Men are taught not to be needy or clingy, which can be a good trait when it doesn’t go too far. However, my question is, why do we have to chase when we give you all the signs that we want you? Why we have to pay the bills for your past failed relationships? 
  5. No, we don’t want you to share with your family or friends the information that we share with you without our consent. When we share intimate details and information about our lives with you, it is because you are our person. The moment you share with others our conversations, it is the exact moment that our emotional attraction towards you will start to disappear. 
  6. We don’t detach our bodies from our hearts. The modern dating teaches us to detach the body from the heart, but we can’t. And the more we try to do that, the more we will disrespect not only our core values but also our emotional needs.
     
  7. We are consistent. We want to be part of your life, nurture you, and embrace it. When a woman is ready for a real and stable relationship, she wants to be part of your life, and consistently she will show her interest and presence. She isn’t interested in roller coaster games or playing hard to get.
  8. If you don’t love us, please say it without using cliches. We don’t need intermittent emotional rewards or breadcrumbs of your attention and time. Perhaps you like what we provide to you (attention, time, support), but if you don’t genuinely love us, be honest.
  9. When we leave, we leave forever. No, we aren’t mean or selfish. But if we had a sexual and romantic relationship with you, don’t expect friendship from us after a breakup. It takes time to heal, as it takes time to sexually and emotionally fall out of love from you.

As written before, like it or not, women have a time frame in which they will fall in love with you, and this is the period that you should show up and invest in the relationship if you feel it. Because the biggest mistake a man can make with a woman is playing it cool or going with the flow because she is available, sweet, sleeping, and pursuing him without complaining. It feels good, and you wrongly think that things won’t change. But things will change. She will ask you what’s going on, and even tell you that she is unhappy. Already questioning your feelings for her, and your intentions, she is counting the time because she feels it’s time to leave. This woman with time will have a profound dislike for you, not because you are a bad person, but because she gave it all to you. And yes, likely she will end up hating herself for allowing it to happen.

If you see anything special and unique about the woman in your life, any glimmer of something sweet and valuable to you, don’t let that opportunity goes by. The reality is you guys tend to wake up to the party late and realize our worth in our absence. I prefer that you don’t wait until she walks out the door, because the moment that woman closes the door for you, it is closed forever.

Don’t take for granted the woman who loves you and is real for you, and don’t let other people with their commentaries change the perception you have about her. Remember that you are the only one who is having a relationship with her.

As Scott Fitzgerald wrote: ” The girl really worth having won’t wait for anybody.”

With love,

Alexandra

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Long Distant Relationships: How to Sustain and When to Call it Quits?

Long distant relationships are an older concept of intimate relationships, older than you may think. However, the popularization of social media platforms and dating apps gave visibility to this form of relationships, raising questions such as:

  • Is it possible to sustain an intimate relationship with someone on the other side of the world?
  • What are the emotional costs of not having your partner by your side?
  • What is your end goal? Have sex with someone from another country? Or build a life together?
  • What is real, and what is future faking?
  • Do you want to have a real relationship with this person, or this situation gives you the comfort of not having to deal with your partner’s needs? (Emotional unavailability).
  • Are you ready to change your life to another country, firstly because you want and it will be good for your personal/ professional development, and secondly because you love your partner?

Talking about long-distance relationships is a completely different animal from geographically close relationships. Even though, in some cases, it might even be better.

Some defend that the absence makes the heart grow fonder, and the access to a global pool of potential suitors increases the chances to create blessed relationships in heaven, but talking about long-distance relationships is the equivalent to tame a wild animal. The level of emotional and financial investment is completely different from the level of investment if you lived close. Not because feelings are different, or because you love more in one situation than the other. But because you rely on technology, post mail, and airplane tickets to see your loved one as much as possible.

How can you sustain a long-distance relationship:

  1. Prioritize your schedules well because work or school schedules, and times zones, even the most well-intentioned couples can be affected when it comes to communication. Can you devote a private moment to have a conversation without getting distracted with other things? Who has a more flexible schedule? How often do you want to communicate during the day? Do you feel resentment or frustration when the patterns of communication with your partner don’t fulfill your emotional tank? 
  2. Make sure your goals are common, and you both set up an endgame. You can’t live your relationship forever at a distance. So it makes sense to work together to overcome the hardship of being apart rather than waiting forever that the circumstances might change. 
  3. Don’t rely only on technology to sustain your presence and your relationship. Send handwritten letters with your scent, an unexpected gift, or a box of delicious chocolates. Today, you can easily order gifts and items around the world to deliver to your partner in his country or city. Don’t be lazy.
  4. Focus on communication quality, included talking about boring stuff. No, you don’t have to share only the good stuff. You have to share everything with your partner and make sure that everything will remain inside the bubble couple. Our partner should be the first person to which we turn in times of need and joy.
  5. Don’t play games, and don’t put your life on hold. The worst thing you can do to your partner is to show him or her that you have other people interesting in you while he or she is doing the best to be close to you. This behavior isn’t only childish but also disrespectful for your partner, the relationship itself, and will open the door to unnecessary thoughts of suspiciousness about your true intentions about the relationship and your future together.
  6. Let yourself trust and earn that trust. More often than not, we associate sexual infidelity as the only way to breakdown and erode an intimate relationship. In reality, I would say the worst betrayal you can suffer is when your partner decides to leave when you are weak and emotionally vulnerable. The worst betrayal of all is when they no longer love you and string you along while waiting for someone better. Can you count on your partner in ways big and small? Do they listen in ways that make you feel heard and understood? Are they paying attention to what is important to you and not sharing your conversations with their family or friends without asking your permission? Are they being a partner worthy of having?

When, and why, it is time to end a long-distance relationship? If you carefully read this article, you might have the answer to this last question. A long-distance relationship should end when you feel in your gut there are too many words and not many actions. When the future faking is eroding your dreams, and you feel that your partner is giving you air, but not enough oxygen to survive. A long-distance relationship should end when it feels one-sided, or when your partner doesn’t involve himself or herself in this journey, and also the possibility that you will live in their country.

I was in a long-distance relationship for two years. For me, it was a leap of faith, but also another possibility to show and teach me how able I am to sustain a relationship and love. I didn’t start this relationship because I was hunting for a rich man or someone that could provide me a better life. I was all in because this is how I am. I was all in because a relationship is a relationship. And because love is love.
Why should we refrain ourselves when around the world exists so many possibilities? In the end, I felt betrayed? Yes, I felt! Not because he betrayed me with another woman, but because of his inability to tell me how he felt and want he wanted. Saying I love you, but I’m not in love with you, isn’t something that you should say to someone. Saying I am feeling good with our separation, and I am in a happy place, isn’t something that you should say when you know the other person is hurt.

Am I giving him a bad review? No! And I thank him for the two weeks of diarrhea that I had after our breakup. I thank him for the crying nights, the ruminating thoughts, and all the pain I felt.
Because with him, I felt that I was going to have a place to call home and a family. He was part of my life, part of my dream, and I had to mourn that part of my life and my dream when he decided to leave.

It is good to have the humility to understand that we know nothing about life, to know that every situation, and every person that crosses our lives, has a message to teach us. I am happy not because the relationship was over, but because he was the portal to the place where I will live very soon. And this, my dear readers, is the best gift you can receive from an intimate relationship with someone, the understanding of where you belong, and the resilience you have inside your heart to achieve your dreams.

My last advice for you? Don’t stop yourself from loving someone who lives distant, because distance doesn’t kill a relationship. What kills relationships is the lack of emotional maturity and the absence of skill set to be consistent and communicate needs properly.

“Be there” even when you can’t actually be there.

Thank you so much for all the contribution you are giving to my work here.

With love,

Alexandra

references:

Dargie, E., Blair, K. L., Goldfinger, C., & Pukall, C. F. (2015). Go long! Predictors of positive relationship outcomes in long-distance dating relationships. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 41(2), 181-202.

Jennifer M. Belus, Kimberly Z. Pentel, Matthew J. Cohen, Melanie S. Fischer, and Donald H. Baucom. “Staying Connected: An Examination of Relationship Maintenance Behaviors in Long-Distance Relationships.” Marriage & Family Review 55, no. 1 (2019): 78-98.

Kaitlyn Goldsmith and E. Sandra Byers. “Maintaining long-distance relationships: comparison to geographically close relationships.” Sexual and Relationship Therapy (2018): 1-24.  

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Father Complex: Are You Emotionally Broken?

The Father complex or usually called as “Daddy issues”. First appear in psychology literature with the collaboration between Freud and Carl Jung, as a group of unconscious associations and strong impulses that will affect many spheres of life. Be it positive or negative effects in both males and females because of their father’s influences and presence/absence.

Therefore, and contrary to common thinking or understanding, men can also develop the father complex. Although it can be more visible in women, in one way or another, at some point in our lives, we all had or still have daddy issues.

So let’s dive in how the Father complex can negatively affect your development as a woman: 

  1.  More likely to have sex at an early age and get pregnant. 
  2. Lack of the self-confidence to say no to sexual behavior that makes them feel uncomfortable. 
  3. Use sex and the body as a form to buy love and attention.
  4. Settle for too little or are far too demanding in their relationships.
  5. In the past, to feel loved, she felt that she has to be perfect or nearly perfect to receive the love of her father. 
  6. If she failed or made a mistake, he would ashamed or embarrassed her because it was a blow to his self-esteem and public image.
  7. Her father made her believe that it is a man’s responsibility to make her happy or rescue her from life problems.
  8. When going to the dating market, she will make poor romantic choices because she is like a hungry person who walks into a grocery store. The package is appealing, but the content is like poison to your body.
  9. She is looking for the imaginary alpha male that will fix all boo-boos, and because of that, she will end up often disappointed and angry because of her poor choices.

How the father complex can affect your development as a man:

  1. Disconnection from their own emotions and struggle to create bonds with other people, intimately and platonically.
  2. Development of emotionally unavailable characteristics, or commitment phobia. 
  3. Inability to share authentic and intimate feelings either in romantic or platonic relationships.
  4. Can feel used, resentful, and exploited by women because his father failed to role model how to built and sustain healthy intimate relationships, and his mother has a controlling personality.
  5. Feelings of unsafety in adult intimate relationships because of fears of being judged and abandoned by his partner. 
  6. Resentment and intimacy fears lead them to withhold sex and affection, or manipulative and passive-aggressive behaviors towards their partners.
  7. Rejection of healthy romantic partners because they don’t provide toxic familiarity. 
  8. Too much focus on wealth stability and achievement, decreasing the importance of affection and love.

After this explanation, the question remains: Are you emotionally broken because you had or have The Father Complex? The answer shouldn’t be a yes or no, but how you feel about yourself and your life in general. How much self-awareness you have about your feelings/situation, and if you had or still have in your life someone who healthily did the father figure role.

As I wrote here before, my father personality changed after a severe car accident that he had when I was 9 years old. And after that, he left my mother for another woman, causing severe consequences to the whole family system. My fathering role model was my grandfather from my mother’s side, who died when I was 28, and my brother 21. He was always present in the important events of my life. He taught how to be real, consistent, and present in platonic or intimate relationships. I never had casual sex in my life. I never tried drugs or smoked. Did I make mistakes? Yes, like anybody else. Do I shy away from commitments? No! Do I know what I want? Yes! I’m not a survivor! I am a thriver, and I have a profound dislike for bad behavior and people that play games or string you along.

Honestly, I had all the reasons to be a real bitch, but I made the conscious choice to honor who I am and be proud of all my life story. I was born on the same day that the Wonder Woman character was present to the world. That explains a lot of who I am, at least, for me. 

Don’t let your fears or past unsatisfactory experiences detriment your bright future, and always seek a good professional to guide you through your healing journey.

Life is too short to let other’s confusion or unsure feelings dictate who you are and where you are going. 

With love,

Alexandra

References:

Adams, K.A. (2011). Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners. Deerfield, Fl: Health Communications Inc.

Adams, K.M. (2007) When He’s Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment. New York: Fireside.

Baron, Tessa (2019) Working with Father in Psychoanalytic Parent-Infant Psychotherapy

Baron, Tessa (2009) Relational Trauma in Infancy: Psychoanalytic, Attachment and Neuropsychological Contributions to Parent-Infant Psychotherapy 

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The Fifteen Types Of Women That You Should Avoid to Have a Long-term Relationship.

Toxic women destroy good men, but we barely talk about them and the consequences of these relationships.
Surprisingly, there isn’t much information about this dynamic. When good men meet toxic women, and how these women and their behaviors change those men forever.

To change the outcome, we need to change the culture, and this means we have to understand what toxicity means, what we can accept or not. Tolerance for bad behavior will only lead to poor connections, fragile emotional boundaries, and unnecessary labels that fragment the already fragmental society.

If you are looking for a serious relationship and a woman to share your life with, please run away as fast as you can, from this type of women:

  1. The Social Media Addict: This type of woman has a heavy presence on social media platforms. She is on Facebook, Instagram, and other platforms all the time in search of validation, praise, and her cell phone is her best friend. If you go out on a date or you have a relationship with her, you may notice that she is always interacting with the cell phone. And publish whatever she is doing or faking doing. All this means she is never present in the moment or with you.
  2. The Selfie Girl: Published in The Open Psychology Journal, researchers from Swansea University and Milan university established that excessive posting of selfies is associated with a subsequent increase in narcissism by an average of 25 percent. Women take an average of seven shots to get one image, then comes edition, real-life alterations like changing the lighting or touching up makeup. Although selfies are silly, we have to recognize and accept the darker side of it when the selfie becomes a measure of self-worth, self-esteem, and the bridge for the elusive perfection. “The problem of selfies has even attracted the attention of various professional journals for plastic surgeons, which have been posting articles about increasing requests for plastic surgery coming from young people.”
  3. The Tinder Girl Checklist: This type of woman use dating apps to increase the number of followers that they have on the Instagram platform. Date or get to know you aren’t on their priority list. You are, in reality, just another face.
  4. The Instagram Bombshell: Everything is perfect about her. The perfect holiday in exotic places, with a waterfall bikini photo, because promoting her body is important. The flawless selfies with flawless makeup with specific descriptions or tags to attract more followers. If they are in a relationship, they may post pictures of you as a self-promoting thing and not really because they love you.
  5. The bitchiness behavior adept: This type of woman may try to introduce chaos if you are in a relationship with another woman. By sending you private conversations they have with other people about you, to try and see how strong your relationship is and if you are secure enough with your feelings. They aren’t either good friends or good lovers, not only because of the lack of emotional maturity, but also the disrespect of fundamental principals to behave with others and their extended relationships.
  6. The mysterious woman: Although mysteriousness, in the beginning, might be aphrodisiac, everything about this woman is a secret. She doesn’t reveal that much about her life because she is emotionally unavailable or doesn’t have a real interest to let you in, using you only for her loneliness and weak moments.
  7. The Gold Digger: The term “gold digger” refers to a woman or man who pursues a romantic relationship primarily for its material benefits, entering into a quid pro quo, more-or-less equal exchange of relationship for money or gifts.
  8. The Feminist: Heterosexual women and men are attracted to one another precisely because of their archetypical traits. The dynamic between the two sexes as teamwork was one of the foundations for our success as a species. So at the light of real understanding, the feminist legacy and patriarchy theory has created a cruel battle of the sexes and oppress women and men inside a cold war. What do we need? More hatred? No! We need balance and the understanding that women and men are necessary for our society. Of course, we need equality and rights and fight against abusive situations, but we don’t need to encourage hatred or extremist speech, and we should avoid these types of people.
  9. The Drama Queen: Tend to be unaware of their real feelings. Are usually overly concerned with physical attractiveness and dress in a sexually seductive manner. Drama queens share some features of borderline personality disorder, which is characterized by instability in identity and relationships. These people experience intense mood swings. “You often feel when you’re with them they’re terribly engaged with you and as soon as you’re out of sight, you’re out of mind.”
  10. The Princess Mentality: Suffering from Princess syndrome is more common than you may believe. A girl or woman who suffers from Princess Syndrome lives life or wants her life to be a fairy-tale. She may learn that she cannot be self-sufficient, and she has to rely on a savior or the prince with the white horse. Although she may appear as a fragile/inoffensive woman, her passive-aggressive and demanding behavior over time will make you feel drained and exhausted.
  11. The Controller: Controllers have low self-esteem needing to control people and situations. They believe they are unworthy of love operating in a defensive manner and out of fear in relationships. The need to win is present all the time, and these types of women are especially drawn to nice men. Nice and genuine good men offer kindness, acceptance, and support.
  12. The Flirty Girl: Flirting is not a trivial activity; it requires many skills: intellect, body language, creativity, empathy. However, flirt can predict damage consequences for your relationship if your girlfriend or partner engage in flirting activities with other male suitors and even go out on dates with them. Making you feel that you are wrong to contest her erratic behavior.
  13. The I’m Sexy and I know it: Although it is great to have self-confidence and self-esteem, I am talking about women that use their physical appearance not only to attract you but also to other men. Flaunting her body off, be it online or offline, reveals a deep lack of self-esteem, insecurity but also the hidden message I’m not enough.
  14. The Wishy-Washy woman: She may want you one day, but the next day she may be confused and overwhelmed by so many perspectives male partners. Maybe she doesn’t know what she wants, or she does know but wants to have you around until she finds something better. Do yourself a favor a find a consistent healthy woman to love you!
  15. The Daddy Issue Girl: If you are dating a woman with a father complex or daddy issues, unless she did the necessary healing work, it can damage your relationship because this woman never felt loved or enough for her father. These types of fathers were emotionally unavailable and left in their daughters an impressive void that they need to suppress in their intimate relationship. In intimate relationships, these women feel they have to be perfect and rarely argue or get mad. However, they become very disappointed when they discover that their prince charming, weren’t that charming after all.

It is important to understand that everyone can fall into a toxic relationship. And, also all of us experienced at some point in our lives a traumatic event. No one is perfect, and no one is a saint with an immaculate crown. But very few are willing to recognize they need help to overcome their internal issues and emotional voids. The father complex can damage women’s self-esteem, and I believe that most of the bad behavior that I presented here today has a direct link to that complex and lack of proper education.

The Father complex will be the subject of my next article because not all women who had and still have an absent father in their lives are broken. Plenty of them are emotionally healthy because they did the necessary healing work, but also had other father figures in their lives. I will give my personal testimonial.

With love,

Alexandra

References:
Child Mind Institute
https://childmind.org/article/what-selfies-are-doing-to-girls-self-esteem/

Glendora – Registered Psychologist
https://glenora.net/pleasers-and-controllers/

Father Absence, Father Deficit, Father Hunger, by Edward Kruk
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201205/father-absence-father-deficit-father-hunger

Toxic Masculinity or Cultural Misandry? by Edward Kruk
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201907/toxic-masculinity-or-cultural-misandry

Toxic Femininity: Is Acting as Fragile and Frivolous internalized misogyny? by Ritch C Savin-Williams
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sex-sexuality-and-romance/201908/toxic-femininity

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The Bomb Men: The Sixteen Types of Man That You Should Avoid Dating.

More than burying your head in the sand, wasting months and years of your life with men that will never see you, I challenge you to take the reins of your existence. I challenge you to look after your subconscious wounds and run away from men that will add nothing to your existence or well being.

There are women and men, although this article is for women, despite all the toxic signals being visible. They live within a specie of confusion and blindness bubble, where the acceptance for the unacceptable is the new norm.
The euphoria of a new possible relationship and the intoxicating hormonal cocktail can blind women leading them to unnecessary drama and unhealthy relationships. But also warn them that they need to love themselves more.

If you are looking for a serious relationship and someone to share your life with, please run away as fast as you can, from this type of men:

  1. The man who talks about sex on the first date and asks you to send him, or send you naked pictures or pornography.
  2. The man who appears and disappears: How frustrating don’t you think? Well, this guy doesn’t want anything from you but have you as a backburner in case his other options are unavailable. 
  3. The man who has social media harém: his self-esteem is regulated by the number of faces, conversations, and dates with women.
  4. The mister muscle, work, cars, and money: he uses all this as a marketing campaign all over social media to call attention. And if he loses all this, he doesn’t know who he is.
  5. The man who doesn’t have time for you: If he never has time for you even at the beginning of the relationship, accept that this man has other priorities.
  6. The mama’s boy: They can be good friends, but terrible intimate partners. Although it might be amazing to see your boyfriend or partner close to his mother, the problem begins when their relationship has enmeshed contours. A romantic relationship is doomed to suffer and failure if he relies too heavily on his mother, whether it is approval or emotional support. And believing it or not, his mother will compete and be jealous of you. For that reason, and because no one can measure up to her self-image and standards, you will be the one that will be out of the game, sooner or later.
  7. The Lier.
  8. The man who has a crazy Ex: It can be true or a lie. Look at if he takes his part of the responsibility for the relationship failure.
  9. The passive aggressive man: look at how he face life challenges and how he reacts when you express your needs. Does he pull away from you? Do you feel inexpressive anger from his side?
  10. The man who is addicted to alcohol, drugs, sex, porn, and games: Many women are attracted to problematic men because they think their love will cure them.
  11. The man who knows it all.
  12. The selfish and the victim: Everything is about him and even the world his against him.
  13. The man who never answer your messages or questions
  14. The eternal irresponsible child/Peter Pan Syndrome
  15. The Alpha Male: Exists exceptions, but the typical alpha male will confidently speak to a woman he found attractive in a bar and may make a woman feel feminine and desired. These men, however, tend to go for women who are their subordinates or are younger so they can always feel more powerful.
  16. The man who is jealous and wants to control you: They will perform jealous scenes worthy of Hollywood, will criticize the mini skirt that you wear, or withhold intimacy from you, making you starving for his crumbs of affection and physical contact.

Be it in the real or virtual world. The naked truth is that you need and deserve a man who is willing to be entire with you. It is possible to have a mentally healthy partner, even if he is imperfect, he will be able to love you and receive your love in return.
What causes you indignation, sadness, frustration, and repulse in masculine behaviors are clear signs that you should hear and evacuate yourself from the situation. Don’t forget your core values, don’t let your inner self go along with spiritual poverty, and never stop living.

Get away from you the type of men that has a warning sign in the head, and the clear message, that you should love yourself more. Your mission, as a woman, is to live your love story within yourself first. When this happens, your attraction towards bomb men will fade away, loneliness won’t scare you anymore, and you will attract a new world of healthy prospective partners.

Fortunately, there are plenty of men who are great to get to know, talk, date, get married and LOVE!

Have a lovely weekend!

Alexandra

References:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dating-and-mating/201709/reasons-not-date-attractive-masculine-man

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/valley-girl-brain/201907/do-you-keep-dating-the-same-type-person

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-dating/202003/why-you-keep-attracting-unavailable-partners

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Two Hundred Years of 1820’s Liberal Revolution: When Portugal Was a French And a British “Colonie”.

Today, 24 August of 2020, Portugal celebrates two hundred years of the 1820’s Liberal revolution, which had a start in Porto after many years of abuse from France and England.
Portugal from 1807 till 1811 suffered three military invasions from France, the well-know Napolionical invasions, as a form to block the continental access to England and known as one of the darkest periods of our national history.
Needless to say, for thirteen years, Portugal was forgotten by king D. João VI who transformed Brazil in the new kingdom and Portugal the colony.

D. João VI, who had a weak personality and fear of being killed, decided to leave Portugal in November of 1807 in direction to Brazil.
With the king’s flight, the Portuguese military disorganization, the consecutive Napoleionical invasions. And the appalling social environment in Portugal brought the right conditions for England to come at the aid of our country and expel not only the French army but also obtain access to the main Brazilian commercial plazas.
Although the British presence between 1809 and 1810 was peaceful. The truth is after 1814 and with Portugal completely battered by the war, the transformation of the general William Beresford into a kind of Portugal viceroy, with full government powers, led to the first national-revolutionary attempt in 1817 which failed by denunciation.

It would be only on 24 August of 1820, Porto, taking advantage of the Beresford trip to Brasil to obtain more governance power. That the Sanhedrin that was created by Manuel Fernandes Tomás in 1818 with the support of the Portuguese troops headed by the colonel Cabreira that finally, Portugal was successful in the intention of obtaining freedom and independence as a sovereign country. The general Beresford, on his return from Brazil, couldn’t land in Lisbon and had to head to England.

Contrary to what has been published today in the Portuguese media, we are not celebrating 200 years of a new national constitution. Which only occurred in 1822. We are celebrating the end of more than one decade of French and then British dominance. We are mourning the loss of Brazil as part of our international territory (1822), and mourning the achievements we had as a liberal nation which were captured and ridiculed in the XX and XXI century, by conservative reactionaryism and small minds, fueling lobbies interests and perpetuation of inequalities.

It is offensive and a shock for our Portuguese ancestors the transmitted distorted facts about the national history, but also the distortion of the real purpose of the 1820 liberal revolution. It is offensive and a shock when national professors go to the national television and don’t speak the truth because they are part of one group that is paid or will suffer consequences if they do so.
Not knowing the truth or distort reality is to condemn individuals to ignorance, which is the worst blindness of all.

With this said, I wish all of you a wonderful week without lies.

Alexandra

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My Relationships Don’t Last, What’s Wrong with Me?

Some women and men, when their intimate relationships are over, tend to take all the blame and responsibility. But very few in the heat of the moment ask themselves if the person who left them was the right husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend. They want to give it another try, maybe explore other possibilities, and why not, professional counseling. Whatever is the case, the reality is that we are living a period where the majority of intimate relationships are shallow. This scenario should be acknowledged to break the emotional chains in which many individuals are tied.

In the recent past, I have seen this scenario leading people to unnecessary heartbreaks: A woman or a man meets someone that seems incredible. The first moments are amazing. The initial phase of the relationship is phenomenal, and everything seems to go in the right direction.
But then, all of a sudden, the fall from the cliff arrives. They can’t do it with you anymore, and desperately you want to understand why. You want a reason for it because everything they tell is vague. And here you are, crying, wondering and ruminating weeks, months and even years about what went wrong.

Let me ask you this: Are you a crazy person?

If your answer is no, I do have another question for you: Do you know what intimacy is?

Intimacy means: Into me, you see!

So if you are a great partner, kind-hearted individual, you know how to sustain a relationship, and you educate yourself. Don’t create inside your mind the false narrative that must be something wrong with you, because your relationships tend to fail. Instead, look at the situation and analyze it to your advantage following the steps below:

  1. Grab a paper and a pen and write the moments or situations where your ex-partner felt uncomfortable and why.
  2. Did they felt anxious and even somehow distant when around you?
  3. How did you felt around them? Did you felt something was wrong, and their behavior was strange? Like a push a pull? Wanting one day to be close, and the other be apart?
  4. Did they leave the relationship out of the blue without wanting to resolve the issues?
  5. Where did you meet them? 
  6. Where and how are you investing your time now?
  7. Do you perceive yourself as a lovable person?
  8. Don’t you deserve someone sure about his/her feelings for you?
  9. Don’t you deserve someone willing to travel the world to be with you?
  10. Don’t you deserve a man or a woman that will hold your hand and walk with you through the rough paths of life?

Listen, unless you are a complete emotional freak, always remember that a relationship for better or for worst needs two to work. Don’t take the blame, because most of the time the problem is on the other side and not with you. The work and things that are under your control are where your power resides not only to grow as an individual but also to create prosperous relationships in the future. Someone that leaves you knowing that you are a great catch should be not only the biggest TURN-OFF in the world but also a great opportunity to after a sabbatical period ignites your beautiful light in the world and attract your true alignment.

Someone who is internally emotionally broken will never feel comfortable around you or able to give you the sincerity and consistency that you deserve unless they work on themselves. We all have emotional wounds and unmet needs. What we do with this information is what counts for success and failure in all areas of our lives.

More than fall for the pretty face or body, allow yourself to reeducate your selection mate process taking into account personality traits first and then, physical ones. Give yourself time!

To close my post, I share with you the link to one of Brian Nadon’s articles called: Listen, Learn, and Love.

With love,

Alexandra

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Loyal, Brave and True by Christina Aguilera

Music can awake not only our deepest dreams but also channel our emotions and actions towards a better future. Loyal, Brave, and True sang by Christina Aguilera is a clear example of how much we doubt our entrepreneurial ability to rise above difficulties, and how much we falter in the intricacies of our existential ups and downs.

“Should I ask myself in the water
What a warrior would do?
Tell me, underneath my armor
Am I loyal, brave and true?
Am I loyal, brave and true?”

Believe it or not, what makes us real women and men is the power within our hands to bounce back and find a new path for success. We are never truly alone on this journey, at least, we should learn how to enjoy our own company.

“Cold is the morning
Warm is the dream
Chasing the answers
‘Til I can’t sleep
Will I be stronger
Or will I be weak
When you’re not with me?

Who am I without my armor?
Standing in my father’s shoes
All I know is that it’s harder
To be loyal, brave and true”

When the harshness of life touches your skin and soul, remember that vulnerability and honesty will be a magnet for people who wants the same as you. There will be a time, a moment where relaxation will allow you to break free from your armor. You are here to live, love, and be free. Be a warrior for your hopes and dreams.

BE YOU!

Loyal, Brave and True!

With all my love,

Alexandra

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Let’s Talk About Marriage And Have Kids Without Sounding an Ultimatum?

We are beginning a new week and also the last two weeks of August month, so today, I decided to write about the following topic: When it’s the right time to have the marriage/having kids conversation? Without sounding an ultimatum.

For a large percentage of women, even with social and economic emancipation, the dream to build a traditional family is part of their life goals, and this implies getting married and has kids with her partner. But what is surprising is how often women are afraid to have this conversation with their partners. And sometimes even remain in relationships where the man gives clear signs that he doesn’t want the same. Or at least not at the same time as she does.

Without forgetting the social pressure that we suffer to find a partner and have a baby, the reality is we have a limited time frame to conceive even though. There is a raise of women having kids after their forties, which is becoming the new motherhood pattern.

Now I have three questions for you:

1. What is your principal goal: have kids or a partner?

2. Why do you want to get married? It is your dream or satisfies family and social expectations?

3. Did you ever consider the possibility of having kids on your own?

Why oocyte cryopreservation matter for women?


Some voices call this a feminist movement. I call it prevention, fertility preservation, and the possibility to have a baby later in life with no pressure. Also, it can release anxiety and make you enjoy the dating process and be able to focus on a healthy selection process where you will find a suitable partner. Oocyte cryopreservation was used in the past for women who had cancer, problems in their reproductive system, or family history of early menopause. Nowadays, as long as we want, we can use this technique to gain time on our fertility timeline and focus on other areas of life.

I did this technique when I was 24 years old due to health problems, and although it was an expensive process (because I did it in the private health system), and also physically transformative because I felt like I was pregnant. I am in peace knowing that not only sooner or later, I will be a mother, but also as long as I live. I will always dictate the rules of my life.
For sure, I want to have a man in my life, but I want that man because I am madly in love with him. Not because I am desperately seeking someone to father my children.
I strongly suggest you consider this option if you truly want to have a baby and feel your time is “running out.”

Why should you talk with your partner about your desire to get married and have kids?
We, women, tend to begin relationships with men only if we like them enough, and if we see on them a good potential to raise a life together. Also, we will be intimate with them if their words match their actions, and if all this together can connect within us. But a more profound conversation about this will be for another post.

Let’s imagine that your main goal when you enter a partnership is to get married and have kids. But as time goes by, you sense that your partner is reluctant to the idea of getting married and have a family. What should you do? You have to be very clear about your timeline but also your willingness to walk away if that is necessary.

If your relationship is firmly based on a mutual agreement where marriage and kids are one of the main goals, be firm and courageous speaking your truth and don’t have afraid if it sounds like an ultimatum.

We all know that people are scared nowadays to assume major commitments due to the high rates of divorce and their consequences. But also, because of the large number of available potential partners, even if it is a virtual potentiality. Either way, you should speak your truth and be very clear about your needs. Assuming that you have been talking about this before and you are in a long term relationship, your partner has to give you a timeline that will allow you to decide “should I stay or should I go.”

You can say: Babe, I love you madly, but I want to let you know that I will leave if we don’t get married or at least have kids any time soon because I want to be a mother and the time is “running out for me”. I’m not threatening you, just speaking my truth and my needs. So if you are not ready to take this step with me, let me know, and I will seek other options.

Remember: No one wants a proposal triggered by a threat.

An ultimatum will only be an ultimatum if you don’t take action and follow it through. An ultimatum is a synonym that you reached your bottom line, not because you are irritated or being demanding, but because you have the right to live your life and dreams. For someone who truly loves you and is sure about their feelings for you, the answer will be immediate.

Be always upfront about your needs, desires, and dreams. Speak your truth and hear theirs. Remember that a real relationship happens when we are willing to walk through rough paths holdings hands.

Finally, I want you to be happy and see you achieving your dreams.

With love,

Alexandra

One article to read:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/singletons/201606/6-benefits-children-older-mothers

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Healing and Staying Healthy After a Breakup!

The lyrics of All or Nothing, a song performed by Cher, is the reflection of how human beings sometimes stay too long in relationships that aren’t right for them.

“I’ve been trying to get to your heart
But I’m chasing shadows
We keep falling further apart
So near and you’re so far
Do you care now? Do you know how?

Baby it’s all or nothing now
I don’t want to run and I can’t walk out
Breaking my heart if you leave me now
Don’t want to wait forever
Who do you think you’re fooling
Who do you think you’re fooling
Baby it’s all or nothing
Baby it’s all or nothing now”

Let’s go straight to the point. People are whimsical. In all this technological dating era that we are living now, people are even becoming more whimsical, and very few know how to be consistent or understand that a real relationship needs consistency. Some are chasing a lurching fantasy. Others don’t have the skill set to be present and sustain a relationship, and they know that. Perhaps their friends and family said you weren’t a good match, or you were too good to be true. Perhaps they love the idea of having someone, but the task of it is too difficult for them. And then, they leave you after promising the world, urging you into a relationship, and being the ones who tell you first how strong their feelings were about you.

No, you can’t oblige anyone to love you, and you can’t have a relationship with someone scared or gave too much too soon. And no, you don’t have to ruminate or enter in one ongoing diagnosis of what you did correctly or wrongly.

Your duty is so much more profound, which is to pick up the pieces, find strength and peace of mind.

Here’s what you should do after a breakup to heal and stay healthy:

1. Go No Contact, and this isn’t a game. It is a tool for your inner recovery, which allows you to reconnect with your authentic self without distractions. (No phone calls, no messages, or social media stalking).

2. Surround yourself with good close friends and family to talk about it openly, get their support and emotional comfort.

3. The first few weeks will be heavy, so allow yourself to cry, to grieve, to feel anger, frustration, and loss, because bottle up emotions will make you sick and emotionally unhealthy in the long run.

4. Find a good therapist, because a good therapist will guide in this new journey and help you to get excited about the future. 

5. Exercise and hydrate your body. Outdoor workout maximizes your serotonin and dopamine levels, but also endorphins, which are necessary to keep your mood and self-esteem balanced. And if you can do your exercise with a friend or with your pet. Hydration helps you to release toxic fluids from your body but also decreases the levels of cortisol (Stress hormone).

6. Consider a dating detox and enjoy this sabbatical period. Perhaps you think that you should start dating other people and go to dating apps, but that will only lead you to disaster and re-traumatize yourself. I have a personal opinion about dating apps and how people pretend to date nowadays, which is if we want a real long-term relationship, we should use the old fashion methods to get to know people. Online dating is a peculiar animal where you should be smart and be aware of the visible and invisible red flags.
More than dating and have sex with other people to forget your ex or feel good about anything, use, and live a sabbatical period to improve yourself, your career. And life in general.

7. Buy a new sex toy and learn to explore your body. Yes, yes and yes, and one more yes! Learn how to have sex with yourself, and have fun within your sheets. Perhaps your partner avoided having sex with you. Maybe it was mechanical. Maybe was addicted to masturbation or porn, and couldn’t experience the real pleasure given by a real sexual relationship and a real partner, anyway, now you have the power to experience whatever you want and satisfy your needs. 

8. Project your confidence in the world, and give yourself a self-date.

9. Be present for your loved ones.

10. Flirt! “The ideal flirt is a pioneer in a crucial democratic science: they are attempting to correctly identify attractiveness in a way that will serve the many rather than the few. We should not only be grateful to good flirts; we should try to become good flirts ourselves.” – School of Life

11. Hug hard yourself, people, animals and trees. You deserve it!

12. Allow time to heal your heart, mind, body, and memories.

Remember who you are now and who you were before you meet them. Take your ex out from the pedestal, and end that cycle, the chapter you had because you can’t go back in time. Do you have an idea of how many men and women who claim their whole lives that they want to have a partner with certain characteristics, and when they have it in front of them, they run away and scare themselves? 

How many men and women reject good partners because they are easily influenced by family and friend’s opinions? Or because they have afraid to be rejected, they will do it first?

I invite you now to take a deep breath and be sure of one thing: YOU ARE ENOUGH!

In love or in Life it’s all or nothing, never accept less!

With love,

Alexandra

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Don’t Go Back To Less When You Can Have So Much More!

Let me guess! After the end of your last relationship, you decided to improve and educate yourself not only for love but also in other areas of your life. After a while, you start to feel great about yourself, and you decided it is time to go back to the dating market, but something quite off seems to happen. You feel lonely in this new self-evolved position, and your new dating pool seems small to you like there are no possible suitable partners. Out of fear, you decided it’s time to go back, go back to your old dating patterns because with all the new dating educational arsenal. You think that you can change and educate others, and in the middle of their confusion, making them see the light.

YOU CAN’T! AND YOU CAN’T GO BACK!

Here are the reasons why you can’t go back to your old dating patterns:

1. You have grown as an individual and as a dater/future partner. Naturally will occur one mismatch with individuals who don’t improve themselves.

2. People will think you are too good to be true because they feel insecure around you. And because of this, they will make you feel inadequate questioning all the time your true intentions, and you won’t tolerate this anymore.

3. You know who you are and what you want, for the matter of a fact, you won’t bite psychological games or condone with dating bad behavior.

4. You are enough either alone or with someone.

5. You want to have a relationship because you feel good about yourself and because you are ready to share your life with someone who wants the same.

6. It’s easy for you to identify what can lead to a toxic relationship, and you are not going to let it happen.

7. You will experience dating burnout because you know that you don’t need many choices. What you need is to align your selection process with your core beliefs to find your partner.

8. You will spend as much time as you can alone and waiting without waiting if that means spend the rest of your life with the right partner.

9. At the end of the day, even if it seems impossible and is tempting to go back to old patterns, you will find many people who are self-evolved and wants the same as you do. Find true love and stable relationships.

Forget the old, embrace the new. Even if it sounds a cliche, life is, in reality, too short to waste with or chasing the wrong person. Men and women should never chase for love or somebody else attention. The more real you are, the more your light will erase from your path individuals that want to categorize who you are because they don’t know themselves, and they know from the start they can’t give the love/relationship you deserve.

Honor your new self, honoring your life experiences and what you have learned.

Have a wonderful week,

Alexandra

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How To Get Over Someone You Thought Would Be Your Person Forever?

  1. Give yourself a break:

    Let’s be honest and clear, while we are in a relationship, the last thing we expect is a breakup. Breakups can be extremely excruciating, mostly when it happens out of the blue. Men or women who experienced a breakup are experiencing the death of a connection, the loss of their person, and an irreparable breach of trust that will be hard to reconstruct. So be gentle and give yourself a break.

  2. There is no Timeline for Moving On:

    The healing process isn’t a linear path. There will be days that you will feel great and others that you feel lost in the middle of a war. During this time, avoid examining what went wrong in the relationship, because you don’t need answers now. Instead, surround yourself with good close friends, family and allow your emotions to flow.

  3. You don’t understand the Breakup and that’s ok:

    Sometimes you won’t understand why your relationship ended, because it isn’t about you or your capacity to love another human being.

  4. Things will change:

    Relationships change, people change, and that’s ok. Maybe you will be the one that will say one day that the relationship and your partner weren’t meeting your needs. So you will be thankful for this breakup.

  5. The Breakup doesn’t define who you are:

    Believe it or not, most of the time, the end of one relationship says more about your partner than about you. So don’t let this event define how worthy or lovable you are.

  6. You Still have a future:

    You have a dream and a bright future waiting for you. Every partner we meet in our lives is a vehicle to remind us how wonderful are our dreams. And they are possible to achieve. Be resilient, keep trying because, in this magnificent world, there is someone else who wants the same as you do.

  7. Don’t give them your friendship:

    Might sound counterintuitive what I will write, but when a breakup occurs, don’t give them your friendship.
    They want to have a friendship with you because they like you, don’t want to lose you, and because you gave a positive input in their lives. But the reality is if they decided to end the relationship because the task was too much, or they didn’t feel the same about you. Why should you give them friendship?
    What you did or gave to them was what I call girlfriend or partner territory, and that cookie is gone since the moment they broke up with you.
    Unless you have kids together, be friendly, not a friend.

  8. Forgive yourself to heal:

    The biggest reason why we lose great relationships and partners in our lives is that we jump from one relationship to another without forgiveness. We need to forgive ourselves, our ex-partners, and past relationships. When we don’t forgive, we don’t heal, and so after the end of the new relationship honeymoon phase, projections, misunderstandings, and repetitive bad behaviors will lead to another breakup or unfilled relationship.

In the art of loving, we have to accept and acknowledge that we will get hurt, I am sorry, but this is the truth. So my dear readers, before you blame yourself for the end of your relationship, think that maybe they left because you were someone they could love. And never, ever pour oceans of love for someone who only wants arid deserts and mountains.

With love,

Alexandra




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“Ringo, I Love You”: They Thought Cher Was a Man!

It was in 1964 that Cher recorded her first single under the name Bonnie Jo Mason, which destroys the pretensions of some fans who thought she had begun her career with Sonny Bono.
Her first single called “Ringo, I love!” was a love song about Ringo Starr that got banned from the majority of radio stations. Because of her vocals, they thought she was a man and, therefore, a gay love song.

Needless to say, the single became a commercial failure due to the lack of publicity, bizarrely staying forgotten even today, despite the singer’s worldwide success.

In Portugal, the lead singer of the Portuguese Band “The Gift” Sónia Tavares, during one concert, a man tried to hit her because he thought she was a travesty. Sonia Tavares has a very deep voice for a woman as I do. For this reason, the band had to create their label because no producer or radio wanted to play their music. After all, “the boy”, they said, had a good voice but wasn’t commercial.

Today, The Gift is the most successful international Portuguese band, which worked in the past with Brian Eno.
Sónia calls her voice Alfred, and I call mine, Albert. She is married to Fernando Ribeiro, the lead singer of Moonspell Band.

Last year the British singer Helen Leahey became the singer with the lowest vocal note for females. And of course, many were the voices that said she was a man, and in her “The Voice” performance, you can hear people laughing in the beginning.

We are born with specific characteristics that make us unique in this world. Be it physical or intellectual characteristics. Our gender should never be mistaken by the tone of our voices or physical appearance. Women, because of environment and hormonal changes, are developing a tendency to have a deeper voice than usual.

For both men and women, the people who had lowered their pitch ended up with a higher social rank and were considered to be more dominant in the group, while the people who had raised their pitch were considered to be more submissive and had a lower social rank.

Every day we hear and see slogans defending that our world should be a better place where acceptance is one of the basic traits in a healthy society. But what is see is discrimination based on false assumptions and bullshits that seem to never end. We treat people as objects of curiosity because they break the norms and are unique. What do we want with all this? What is the education we are giving to young generations?

It is understandable why so many people are suffering from emotional instability and mental health disorders. We are killing biodiversity but, most importantly, killing the freedom of being.

Being unique in the middle of standard society is halfway to success. Use that power to change and create a brand new world!

The Gift Band and Sónia Tavares Voice:

And one of my podcast if you want to hear me and learn:

With Love,

Alexandra

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Want a Satisfying Sexual Life? Girls, Let’s Lube!

In today’s article, I would like to deconstruct and destigmatize this idea that we, women, shouldn’t talk about sex and even discuss it openly, not only for empower but also to adjust emotional and physical needs when it comes to sexual intercourse. Sex is one of the ways to bond and attach with our romantic partners, where the production of hormones like oxytocin and dopamine happen to intensify that bond. Oxytocin is a hormone and neurotransmitter that is also involved in childbirth, breast-feeding, empathy, and trust. And can also explain and help us to understand why for women, breakups and betrayal are such emotional turmoil.

Either you are in one long-term relationship or having a casual fling, oxytocin will be released anyway. So while it might help you bond with the love of your life, it’s also the reason you may feel so miserable when a short-term relationship ends.

Although we are experiencing what we can call an evolutionary civilization where women are achieving more equality and quality balance in areas of life such as education and careers, many are unhappy and feeling unfulfilled in their sexual and relationship matters.

But why this happens? Sexuality remains infused with pressure and shame for many people, who chose to cope with it in one avoidant style to south their anxiety and sexual problems. To explain this, I will give this example. Not long ago, I saw a presentation where a famous psychologist said that women who don’t produce that much lubrification, men will lose interest in pursuing sexual intercourse with them. Which lead me to two questions:

  • If this is true, women who are experiencing menopause, low levels of estrogen because of stress or because they had to remove uterus and ovaries, Vaginismus, Rokystanky, and other sorts of issues. Or no issues at all but just lack of lubrification, can’t have satisfying sexual lives or romantic relationships?
  • Are we choosing the right people to have intimate relationships?

Lack of lubrification happens in any age, to any woman, and it doesn’t necessarily mean or is a synonym of sexual health problems. It can be a rush into sexual intercourse without enough foreplay and can be emotional/sexual unmeet needs inside the partnership or a lack of understanding of how the body works. Either way, you shouldn’t stay in silence and never allow sexual intimacy to become a painful interaction. Both you and your partner must enjoy sex, and none of you should be the martyr to satisfy the other. And please, I urge you, seek professional help in your location that will provide the necessary tools and information to cope with your situation.

How Lubricant can transform your sexual life?

  1. Lubricant makes women and men’s genitals more erotically sensitive
  2. It can help offset some issues that affect your natural lubrification
  3. Decrease painful friction
  4. There are lubes designed exclusively if you have a sensitive vagina
  5. Because you have to use artificial lubricant it doesn’t make you less of a woman
  6. Lubrification introduce new sensations during sex
  7. It will make your relationship stronger because the right man will work together with you as a team to avoid unnecessary discomfort, but also provide the pleasure that you deserve.

I am thirty-five years old, and I do use lube.

Sexual activities are one of the most amazing things that we can experience in our lives, either alone or with the right partner. I was lucky to born in one family where topics such as sex and everything around it were never a taboo. Sex should always be one healthy experience and never one addiction. Sex is one of the most beautiful ways that we express our inner nature, so why should we feel shame about it? Why should we remain in silence when that experience is unpleasant?

Because the other person might run away and blame you because you couldn’t lubricate? Then the question should be, why I need this relationship or this person?

Vaginal dryness isn’t just for older women but can become a real issue that will interfere with your self-esteem and self-confidence.

Note: Men who experience discomfort with the usage of condoms can apply lube in the glans before the insert of the condom, which will increase sensations and normal sensitivity during sex.

Have a wonderful weekend,

Alexandra

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How Men Confuse Sexual Attraction with Emotional Connection?

Human beings are complex creatures, and the more complex they will become when in one intimate relationship. At some level, all of us experienced traumatic experiences in our lives, which left an imprint in our subconscious mind. For this reason, we all have unmet needs that can be dangerous when in the wrong hands, and this is why so many men and women fall into the trap of toxic relationships with emotional predators or unavailable people.

Men were and are still being taught that it is wrong to express their feelings or talk about emotions. Even though this scenario is changing with many men educating themselves for love, many relationships still failing because of the lack of efficient communication. But also how our unmet emotional needs play harsh games with our emotions and perception of our partners.

So before you leave the partner that you have by your side, because somebody else comes along and is closing the gap in one of your unmet emotional needs. Ask yourself why you are not feeling seen by your partner, and see if you are expressing your needs correctly.

More than exchange partners, we should be honest with ourselves and allow vulnerability, fear, and uncertainty to be part of a healthy emotional life. We don’t have to be happy all the time. We have to be who we are and do the hard work of self-discovering and self-acceptance.

The right woman for you, because this post is about men, will see you and love you exactly like you are. A healthy woman will want to connect with you not because of the things you possess and your abilities in bed, but for how much safe she feels around you.

“In many attractions of inspiration, it can take time for our attraction to build. In such cases, it can be difficult to resist fleeing in search of something more clear-cut. As a result, many potentially wonderful relationships are cut off before ever being given a chance. The truth is that we can deepen our healthy attractions, and intensify their passion.

When we desire someone and then postpone the sex (for at least five or six dates), surprising new pathways of attraction form. It’s a great way to grow passion. More important, having sex too early is like Miracle-Gro for any fear of intimacy we might have. It makes us want to flee. So go slowly on the outside, but allow yourself free rein in your fantasy life.”

I hope you enjoy the video below.

With love,

Alexandra

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Narcissists And Their Karma?

Regardless of what will happen in their lives, I would like you to think and accept that maybe you will never see the other person received the payback of their actions. But I can guarantee that the best karmic lesson that you can offer to yourself is when you become the best and beauty version of who you are.

Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others” – Cicero

Don’t forget who you are and honor all the knowledge you carry in your bag because life will intervene on your behalf.

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Tall Women: Being Tall Is Not A Flaw!

Sooner or later I would write about this topic because it is something that touches me deeply, I am a very tall woman, and I quite don’t understand why many tall women don’t wear high heels, even if they love to. Also, they diminish their beautiful and unique characteristics to appeal more to men.

A self-confident man will never blame you for your height. In fact, the more self-confident you are, and the more you embrace your physical traits, the more that man will be attracted to you emotionally and physically. Men are attracted to happiness and self-confidence.

Just because your height is superior to 5ft 10 inches, you aren’t like many individuals defend, a freakishly tall or Amazonian with genetic mutation disease. I am 6ft 7 inches (2 meters) without heels, but I wear heels with 3.9 inches (10 centimeters). So what should I do? Diminish who I am to please insecure individuals, or kill me because I am a sexy tall woman who doesn’t give a fuck about what others think?

Maybe some men would never date you because of your height, but then they aren’t the right men for you. Men who see your physical appearance as a threat are insecure, but also out of your team league. And this is the logical thinking that I want you to have whenever you are facing a rejection situation of this nature.

Here my tips for you: 

  1. Develop a thicker skin about your height when you are dealing with society and men in particular. Don’t take disinterest or brush-offs personally. 
  2. Be naked and get comfortable with your naked body. Lately, I have been swimming in the river naked to enjoy my body and also nature. You will also experience real freedom. At least, try to have some private time at home, once a week, where you can be fully naked for a couple of minutes and appreciate that moment. 
  3. Wear what you want! Do you like high heels, dresses, and mini skirts? Wear all! The biggest mistake that will affect your self-esteem, in the long run, is to stop wearing what you want to please your romantic partner. 
  4. If you are dating someone new and the height issue come to the table, don’t be defensive. Smile and show how happy you are with your body. When you like yourself enough to stand up with respect for your beliefs, the right man won’t think twice to have you in his life. 
  5. Dare to be your authentic self!

At the end of the day, we are special not only because of our special and unique characteristics but for how we embrace our uniqueness. If you are tall like me, be proud of who you are, and never allow anyone to convince the opposite. Who tries that is toxic, and life is too short to allow toxicity to poison our butterfly wings.

With love,

Alexandra

Article Daily Mail:

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-6581795/Six-foot-seven-woman-embraces-unique-height.html

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Don’t Blame Yourself For Feeling Hurt!

After the end of one relationship, or during it, self-involved individuals tend to take all the blame for feeling hurt. And most of the time, these women or men walk away from relationships having this self-talk: ” Oh my god, I lost something valuable, what’s wrong with me?!”

Before we jump to conclusions about our supposedly erratic behavior, I would like you to answer these questions with me:

  1. My ex-partner called me too sensitive because I reacted to his bad behavior and called him or her out? 
  2. He or she used to nag me because of the way I look or the way I dress?
  3. Did I caught him or her having flirtatious conversations in social media, and then I got blamed because of my natural reactions towards it? 
  4. Did I felt that he or she was always insecure and with anxiety around me? 
  5. Was he or she present, or was I living one side relationship with “boyghostfriend” or “girlghostfriend”? 

Human relationships are complex, but more than try to understand bad or unacceptable behavior from others, there is a deep need to recognize that individuals defined by psychology as empaths or highly sensitive are real. Those are the ones who will at first take all the blame for the hurt and the failed relationship. Respect and honor your traits because you have a gift. The gift of empathy, the gift of being your authentic self, and please do not date confused people that play hot and cold games or are emotionally unstable.

Not all relationships will pass the test of time, not because you aren’t unlovable, but because some people don’t educate themselves to love another human being and think that passion will lead them to the right partner. Men and women spend years of their lives in relationships waiting and hoping that their partner will see and value them. While others give up at the first adversity, thinking that the next person will fulfill their internal void.

Instead of taking all the blame over a failed relationship, reboot your perspective, and understand that it takes two to dance the tango. Take a deep breath because sooner or later, the right partner will cross your path. You deserve so much more than breadcrumbs of affection and love, so please, never settle for less when you can have so much more.

My personal life quote for you:

Don’t waste oceans of love and tenderness over people that only want mountains!

With Love,

Alexandra

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Motherhood: Are Children for me?

As I wrote in the article, what babies can teach us about love and life, the world will never cry for the unborn babies but for the ones who don’t have emotionally mature parents to educate, protect and love them adequately. More than subjecting our choices of having or not children to the kinetic society wills, we need to understand whether in our life journey if we have reached the level of maturity to put in this world. Someone so innocent and harmless, who will need us to survive and healthy growth.

Motherhood: Are children for me?

YES!

And for you?

Have a baby, raise a child is more than just the genes perpetuation. It is a self-conscious choice and also the discernment to understand that I want a baby not because I am afraid to be alone. But because have children means I was a good parent and partner for myself, and besides financial security. I know I can provide love, emotional support, and protection.

My life was never a straight line. In fact, the tight curves were the necessary experiences that made me sure around the age of 22 that I wanted to be a mother. Rokitansky and other events made me grow faster and perceive life with another perspective because we evolve and change through hard events in life. And although this may be strange to say, after having my oocyte cryopreservation, I don’t depend on either a timeline or a man to have a family. Being a mother should never be synonymous with despair or fear.

We, women, should never need a man. We should want him and have him in our lives because we love who he is and because we are prepared for a mature loving relationship. We should never get married, have relationships. Or kids because others expect it to happen.

We should think about how we were treated as children, and whether the child that still exists within us is hurt. What do we need to be happy for real? Cars, houses? Jewelry and a sexy man waiting for us in bed? Do we need to hear from others the typical question: “Oh, you are getting old, will you have kids?”

I am thirty-five years old, but internally, my organs are fifteen years younger, which is amazing. And one of the things my doctor told me, and he is like a father for me, that we should never put our lives on hold because of somebody else’s whim. Of course, I want to have a traditional family and make the motherhood journey with someone I do love and love me back in a mature way. But if life has given me other options and because I am sure of what my goals are, I will never put my life and dreams on hold for anyone. As an example, the actress Cameron Diaz had her first daughter at the age of 47.

Date consciously and date your peers, men or women, who have the same sight direction as you do. People who do desire the same life, and can stand by your side during the good times but also the challenge moments. Your kids and your future family will thank you for that. As I said, have a baby is more than spread our genes, is have a human being who will need the best of you to succeed and survive in this amazing, but at the same time crazy world.

We don’t need golden or scapegoat children. We need children with the necessary tools to become healthy adults, and that depends on us, parents, to give them all of that.

With love,

Alexandra

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Social Media: The Short Cut Path to Become a Narcissist

Today’s article took some time to write. Not because it is difficult to talk about, but because the extent of the damage is unbelievable. I’m going to talk about social media, but not in the terms that you might expect.

It isn’t the first time I say here that I don’t have and never had Instagram, because unless you are an artist, and your work depends on it, what is the reason to have an Instagram account? What do you want? Validation? Others to see how wonderful your life is? Or maybe because it is a trend, you have it too? What is the objective of having Instagram and Facebook accounts at the same time?

In recent years we have seen a rise of what we call subclinical narcissism among young people and now even with adults because of all this exposure to social media platforms. And I say subclinical narcissism because the clinical narcissism or Narcissistic Personality Disorder covers a very small percentage of the population. And only a psychiatrist can diagnose and identify these individuals.

Note: Be careful when you use the word narcissist to identify somebody else who does have toxic behaviors. However, subclinical narcissism is as serious as clinical narcissism and can affect your life.

It is important to understand that humans are social animals, and therefore, the need to connect with others is present since birth. To be even more specific, human babies are the most vulnerable specie of mammals and require special care to survive.

The question should be, how and why social media affect us? And what has been the contribution to the emergence of narcissistic people?

Unfortunately, most of the individuals don’t understand that social platforms such as Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, and common dating apps. Such as Tinder or OkCupid are made to addict our brain and change the way we relate and perceive relationships. The usage of algorithms is a common way that those platforms use to manipulate your emotions and needs. The neuroscience behind social media is to make you crave more, more validation, more attention, more praise, and for that reason, in your feeds tend to appear more the posts of people who you add recently to testify your compatibility.

Pure Illusion!

Neuroscientists have compared social media interaction to a syringe of dopamine being injected straight into the system. So what should we think about it? My principal concern is children, and as you know, there is a new trend of mums influencers on Instagram that share their children’s daily lives in search of sponsorships and visibility.

Where is the right to privacy of these little beings? Where is family privacy?

In social media platforms, like in photoshop, life has an edition. And our brains are being bombarded with comparisons, which I call keeping up with Kardashians syndrome. And it is here where narcissism enters in the equation.


An easy way to detect narcissists in social media is by seeing how much time they spend on social media. But also, for example, on Instagram: Their account is public? What kind of pictures do they post? Are their selfies heavy edited? How many selfies and trip photos do they have? How many followers?

Most professional individuals from psychology and neuropsychology advice women and men before start dating someone. They should see if their prospective partners have an Instagram account and how they use it, which will not only prevent heartbreak but also avoid unnecessary drama. 

Esther Perel, one of the most recognized therapists, refers that couples and even single individuals need to do a digital detox, and the evidence is here. Social media manipulates not only your emotions, but also change the function of your prefrontal cortex, which plays a big role in willpower and decision-making.

“People who spend a lot of time “media multitasking” . or juggling lots of different websites, apps, programs or other digital stimuli – tend to have less grey matter in a part of their brain involved with thought and emotion control.” – Kepkee Loh

Kepkee Loh’s explanation gives us the reason why narcissism is on the rise and why the dating world is a mess. People with narcissistic traits are emotionally immature, lack empathy, and don’t care about how you feel. Take care of yourself and try not to expose your children to social media, or digital devices. Until their early 20’s, their brains aren’t completely formed.

One week ago, I asked David Demars to record a video about online Predatorial Narcissists. David is a certified life coach, video producer, and writer based in Las Vegas, specializing in toxic relationship recovery.
He is straight forward with his words and transparent in his videos. I hope you enjoy it!

With love,

Alexandra

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The Power Of Real Friendships

Friendships, when they are real, are a form of love for another human that can go along with us our entire life. Living in a moment where everything happens, or almost everything happens on cell phones, how many real friends do we have? How many times do we see them during the year? How many times we call them to tell, “Hey, thank you for being in my life!”?

I come from a traditional Portuguese family where a good education was the center of my childhood. Respect individuals and treat them as equals, is one of the pearls of my crown, and also be straight forward with my opinions, needs, and wants. I love to have people around me, receive them well, cook for them, and feed our connections as long as I can. Of course, and like anybody else, I had my deceptions, but my rule was and still be, never judge anyone without knowing the whole story.

When it comes right down to it, there is no more valuable social capital than friendships. These are the relationships that can stand the test of time and distance and roll with the punches when things get a little dicey. Good friends, though, will give you the space you need when you need it, and love you just as much when you’re down as when you’re up, and when you’re broke as well as loaded.” – Suzanne Degges-White, Ph.D

Angela and Rita, my two closest friends, we know each other since high school, and they were and still be with me always for the best or the worst. Even though Portuguese culture is losing a little bit of the meaning of being surrounded by family and close friends, the truth is that just like Italians, we love our people.
Nothing makes me happier than being in the kitchen, cooking delicious Portuguese dishes, and desserts. It is the ultimate art of loving even, our friends. I do believe Mediterranean cultures understand what I am talking.

Besides my family, these two girls were the healthy and safe emotional network I could count on during this time of transition in my life. It is hard when you are saying goodbye to everything you’ve always known in your entire life without support.
Love is consistency, support, understanding, and not an easy task if you are a self-centered person. Love one partner, friends, and even family consist essentially if our value systems are compatible. So, when you catch yourself having doubts about people in your surroundings, ask yourself why you are feeling that way and never have afraid to walk away from who can’t see your value.

Relationships and friendships are always evolving. The ones who are willing to take the initial leap of faith with you are the ones to have around. Think about this.

As Plato said: “No one is a friend to his friend who does not love in return.

I love you girls!

Alexandra

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What Do We Want From Men?

What do we want from men?

An Amazing question to take with us through the weekend, so grab a piece of paper and a pen and write what you want or need from men.
Long ago, in fairytale stories, women needed a prince with a white horse to rescue them from all the dangers in the world. But today, the reality is different. We want and need a real partner and a real connection. So let me give you some guidance, and let me know if you agree:

  • Moral Integrity, in which you englobe honesty. Trustworthiness, communication, and responsibility.
  • Relational Sensitivity, in here, you have kindness, patience, understanding, emotional maturity, friendship, emotional and practical support. And finally, validation and acceptance.
  • Intimacy Satisfaction, Intimacy satisfaction, when you bring adventure and excitement into the relationship in a safe way, but also, and at the same time, there is real experimentation of companionship and partnership. You might not be that adept of saying “I love you”, but for sure, in your own way and language, your partner will be happy to know how you feel. When a man provides emotional safety and intellectual stimulation, the woman in his life will feel connected, and as a result, she will want to have sex. 

It is my philosophy that when men awaken for love, something quite beautiful happens. For many generations and even centuries, and through peer groups, men were taught not to show any emotion because it was a weakness sign. The reality today is that many men out there are seeking real connections and real partnerships. And that’s why it is so important for us, women, to tune our partner selection mechanism because these men deserve a chance.

Men are animals with instincts and are biologically programmed to have sex and thus continue our specie. But that does not mean that they don’t want to give and receive love. In psychology, we know and is well documented that men’s longevity and happiness increase when they do have a stable romantic relationship.

Because love is simple
It is worth of harvesting
Can be born in any exile
grow on any field
Come on, don’t be afraid!
Don’t leave your heart without love!

Miguel Torga, 1945

I want you to be happy, but above all, free!

Alexandra

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Penis Size, does it Really Matter?

Penis size, does it really matter?

The answer is simple: No!

In recent years many studies and even social experience has taught us that men are suffering pressure to be great performers in bed and wondering if their penis size is enough to satisfy their partners. Believe it or not, one of the causes, why this happens, is related to the consumption of pornography. The camera angles towards the male sexual genitalia and even the incredible performances with all sort of positions, leave the sensation in men that they aren’t good enough. The question should be when it comes to pornography:

Do you know how many pauses they take to record scenes? Do you know that they take pills to have last long erections?

Now, let’s take a look at our history to understand how society viewed penis size.

At ancient cultures, like Roman and Greek, look at how male statuettes are made, their penises are surprisingly small with clear evidence that what matters is the body structure and testicles form. In this period, virility and potency were centered in the testicles, and the penis was only the instrument of sperm passage for fertilization. This idea that small is perfection lasted till renaissance.

David, Renaissance Sculpture

After the XIX century till our days, the size of penises are now the center of everything and synonym of virility, which leads men to experience performance anxiety, erectile dysfunction, and avoidance behaviors when it comes to sexual intercourse. We should thank the pornography industry and also our shallow culture for destroying the real meaning of what is being a man and woman. Unless you have a micropenis, the size of your penis is normal. Women, if they are emotionally healthy, don’t care about your penis size or if you can do circus art positions.

After many years at school and working hard to have a stable life or at least a prospective stable life, women in their middle 30’s tend to seek a steady partner to settle down. Sex is important. But co-related with emotional safety and satisfaction. So women don’t care about your penis size, they care if you are a reliable source of emotional stability and if they can be who they are around you, and you around them.

More than talk about penis size, you should look at how was your first sexual experience. What kind of partners you had. What kind of conversations you heard all your life about sex and intimacy from your peers and family members. Are sexuality and your body a taboo for you? How do you see sex? Mechanical or an act of love that you share with another person?

Be all you can be! Be you!

If your partner blames you for your penis size or is only interested in your penis and sexual performances, there is something wrong, and that should be a warning sign to look after.
We all know that hookup culture and shallow relationships are on the rise. But I also know that all this immense pressure towards men leads them to severe cases of depression, and a profound inability to sustain or remain in healthy partnerships.

To conclude this article, which I hope will be helpful, I want to warn for one dangerous problem, the usage of pornography and social media causes abnormalities in the orbitofrontal cortex region and also in callosum corpus, which connects the two cerebral hemispheres. The damages are the same as those caused by the consumption of drugs and alcohol.

Take care of yourself!

Alexandra

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What Babies Can Teach Us About Love and Life?

What babies can teach us about love and life?

Babies, these inoffensive little creatures, not only can deeply love other human beings without expecting anything but also teach how vulnerability is a fundamental requisite of our existence. It is ridiculous to perceive that a long time ago, we were babies with an immense and intact capacity to love, laugh, and without too high expectations, just a hug or a kiss would be enough.

Where did we lose ourselves?

Babies don’t care about your status, your income, if you have a big car or a house with a swimming pool. The crying happens not because they are mean, but just because they are scared and perhaps hungry.

So the question also should be, what are we doing with our babies? Are we learning with them, or are we teaching them not only how not to be a baby, but also a terrible future adult?

Babies don’t need selfies. They don’t even care if you are the most popular girl or boy on Instagram. In their gugu gaga language, they might ask themselves what a fuck is his/her father or mother doing all the time on social media, and not wanting to have fun with them.

These dear little things so good to kiss and carry in our lap, are the pure reflection of how we should be. They laugh when they see us, and yes, their kisses are full of drooling. How generous and kind they are.

What babies teach us about love and life:

  1. We’re dependent creatures
  2. Real love is ego-free kind of love, which you don’t expect to receive something in return. You give love because you are in one position where you can to do so.
  3. Hope. Babies are real educators that there is nothing more important than to believe tomorrow will better than today.
  4. Look after your needs, and let the ones who can love and see you, approach, and stay around you.
  5. You don’t need Fakeness or pretend to have a perfect life.
  6. Love is a threat which keep us sane
  7. We all are born with a healthy attachment style and the ability to genuinely love others.

Before we consider the fatherhood task, we need to understand love, how real love happens, and not based on Hollywood or Disney assumptions. Bring a baby to this world is more than having someone who will carry our genes. One baby deserves a healthy household because the world will never mourn the unborn babies, but will the ones who don’t have anyone to love or protect them adequately.

With love,

Alexandra

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Are You Looking For a Penis Or a Real Man?

Are you looking for a penis or a real man?

Perhaps, this is the most unbearable shocking question that we should ask ourselves before consider going into the dating world.

Why should we ask this to ourselves? What is the difference between the penis and man, or vagina and woman? What is our conscience or protocol to find a mate? Do we want a partnership or a “situationship”? What sex means for us, and when is the right timing to have sex with our new partner?

Are you emotionally available to have a real man or woman in your life? What kind of stories you heard about intimacy? Would people take advantage of you? Do you believe that you can’t fully trust anyone because they will leave you?

The narratives that are in constant replay inside your mind will determine how much success you will have in the dating world and also in life. We all know that everyone says that hookup culture or casual sex is on the rise, that it is hard to find commitment, and no one wants to have a label. But is this true for everyone? Does everyone have commitment phobia or relationship anxiety?

Well, if you want to have a fulfilled and long term relationship, don’t fall for the “dick sand” or “vajayjay sand” trap. Unless you are ok and you want to have sexual intercourse consciously without commitment, don’t fall for it because you will be hurt in the end.
The urgency to find someone just because society says you can’t be on your own will only lead to poor choices and, in most cases, rejecting amazing partners because they don’t give you drama.

So, what is sex?

Sex is a way of lessening our alienation, isolation, and aloneness by physically connecting with, penetrating or being penetrated by another person at the most primal level of existence. Sex substantiates, humanizes, and incarnates existence. It produces joy, love, comfort, affection, and sometimes ecstasy.

Sex is one of the center parts of human existence, but also the symbology between birth and death. With sex and procreation, a new cycle of life will begin developing until the day death will come and take your very last breath away.

Confuse?

When we understand that we are mortals, but most importantly, animals with instincts, the more questions related to sex and existence will dissipate.

I believe we have to access our realities before even think the possibility of having someone in our lives. Not only because every individual is at different levels of maturity and emotional development, but because monogamy should always be a topic to discuss in the early phases of dating.

To get to know someone, you should focus your attention on only one person, and never start dating someone after a breakup. Healthy people usually take one year or more to start a new relationship because they don’t have problems with being alone.

A real man or a real woman will be consistent with you through actions, show up by your side when your life is upside down. And don’t give a shit about what other people will think or say. They are looking for the real you and not for your penis or vagina. They will be your teacher, but they also want to be your student.

Personally, I don’t believe in unicorns or fairytales, neither in dramatic Hollywood happy endings. Call me cold, but I like to see myself as a woman who knows what she wants and where she is going. I don’t have sex with one man unless we have an established commitment because let’s be honest, we can have sex with ourselves, so why be in a hurry for less than we deserve?

What I describe in this article and the questions I raise is just the first step to avoid fall into toxic and destructive intimate relationships. Don’t fall for trends, penis, vaginas, or what society dictate. You want real love, don’t fake yourself.

Are you looking for a penis/vagina or a real man/woman?

Have a lovely week!

Alexandra

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Let It Go Aka Freedom

Lately, I have been writing a lot at the Ouso Escrever, but also I have been studying a lot. So the more I know, and educate myself, the more I want to share valuable information that you can use in your life.

The question I have today for all of us is: Who do I want in my boat during rough times? Men or women, who jump out when the first wave hits the deck? Or Men or women, who stand with me no matter what the adversity is?

Last week I signed my inheritance waiver towards the belongings of my father and my mother. I did it for myself, and because deep inside my heart, I felt it was the right time to end a cycle in which past generations almost killed each other for a simple piece of land. And for me, this is what really means the power of letting go.

I have been questioning myself lately a lot, what was the propose of the last three years of my life. And the immediate answer was: surrender, let go and move toward your real path.

Who am I? Where I want to be in 1, 3, 6 years? What do I want to do with my life and in life?

Who I want to have in my life? Weak people? People who don’t know what they want? Someone who throws the towel to the floor at the first sign of difficulty?

NO!

I took the last twenty years of my life educating myself for showing up fully to life and love, so why accept less when I want more? Why should I limit myself to what I already know, when deep within I need to spread my wings and fly away to see more and amplify my brain and heart?

I have to be sincere, I was attracting the wrong type of people to my life, and you know why? Because I was showing only one of my facets. The strong, resilient, amazing, and fashionable woman that lures the attention of the wrong people.

You may ask: why were they wrong, Alexandra?

Because although I am indeed strong, resilient, and a diva in my way. But what about the other side of me? The woman who needs emotional support? The woman who sometimes don’t want only hear others, but also want others to hear her?

I had to stop, go inwards, reboot my perception of my reality and think: ok this doesn’t feel good, what am I doing wrong? I was editing myself and that it was what I was doing wrong!

I was editing my emotions, my beliefs, and my reality to make others happy. And yes, they took me for granted. I never, ever, in my life needed validation from anyone else, so why now adjust and diminish who I am and what I want?
My life can end tomorrow, and I want to leave this experience with a good feeling inside me. So why not let go of what I knew would always be there? Why not let go of people and situations that don’t fit me emotionally and energetically?

“Getting unstuck requires being truthful with yourself about how you feel—still angry, sad, or anxious, even though you wish you weren’t—but holding out the possibility that someday you might feel better.”

I am glad it is over! I am happy because, with 35 years old, I am discarding what doesn’t belongs to me. I am saying goodbye and rewriting my narrative. I am repairing things where I can and not allowing anyone else to ask for more than I can give. Because I need my oxygen, I don’t need to rescue or save anything or anyone.

So what is a real letting go?

  1. An opening act for a new beginning
  2. Say goodbye to the status quo and delusions.
  3. Cut the cord with the very person, the very situation that was destructive in the first place.
  4. Anchor yourself in the Future
  5. Discard everything and everyone that doesn’t fit your tomorrow because you are working for your higher interests. 
  6. Repair what you can
  7. Transform your narrative, forgive, and be present.

Good judgment always comes from a place of experience. I am happy and proud of all the things I lived, and I am proud of the woman and the human being I will be tomorrow. Remember, we need to let other people face their decisions. We need to let them experience what they need to learn, even if it means their suffering and regrets.

The best gift you can give to someone or a situation is the pleasure and the cure of your absence. Not because you are mean, but because it is your right to move forward and take the reins of your life.

I am strong, resilient, kind, generous, grounded, beautiful, or sexy. But most importantly, I am who I am. And like it or not is all I have to give.

Enjoy your weekend!

Alexandra

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Catarina of Bragança, The Portuguese Who Changed England.

In times of feminist movements all over the place, let’s talk about history, but most importantly, understand that women always had power and important roles in society.
Portugal, even if some professors of other countries try to diminish the contribution of my country to how we perceive the world today, was the first history global empire, and the older in the European context.

I am a true believer and advocate that we, women, we are what and who we are, and the power of creation or co-creation lives within us.

If we know the history or at least studied history, we can identify women who had important roles in their countries. And others because of marriage, in the destiny nations, introduced important revolutions at the society level, costumes, and traditions.

Let me introduce the Princess Catarina of Bragança, daughter of the King João IV and consort Queen D. Luísa de Guzmán. Catarina was the second child of the royal couple and born on November 25 of 1638.

Luísa de Guzmán, well know in Portugal as the power behind the throne was an attentive and strict mother with the education of her children. She was responsible for the alliance between Portugal and England through the marriage of Catarina and the British king Charles II.

The nuptial agreement between the countries contemplated: England secured Tangier and the Seven Islands of Bombay. Also trading privileges in Brazil, East Indies, and two million Portuguese crowns (approximately 375.323 dollars). In return, Portugal would have British military and naval support.

This agreement, although in the eyes of the current history, was considered disadvantageous for Portugal. At the time, it allowed the country to maintain independence from Spain obtained in 1640.

Described by the British writer, Lillias Campbell Davidson, as one of the best and purest women who has sat in the English throne with twenty-five years old arrived in England (1662), and lived there for thirty years.

Despite being hated by the English court and having been the target of several conspiracies, Catarina and her exotic looks conquered the king. And the English people. Many historians considered her an ugly woman because of her short stature, pale face, and dark black hair. But it is undeniable that Catarina changed the British court and society.

Unable to carry pregnancy till the end, which would be probably a hereditary disease, Catarina left the following legacy to the English Nation:

  • The introduction of porcelain services and cutlery for meal 
  • The habit of drinking tea, known as the five o’clock tea with cookies
  • Brought the first Italian opera to England, in Somerset House
  • Orange marmalade
  • Introduction of the hand fan as a fashion prop.

The propose of this article is to remember all of you two things. Firstly, long-distance relationships aren’t a new concept as you might imagine, even if we are talking in this case about arranged marriages or strategic alliances. Secondly, women always had important roles in society and the ability to change everything they touch for better.

I don’t talk about the fact that King Charles II had children from other women, because it isn’t important. I want to elucidate the character strength of this woman, who was in a foreign country. Without friends and language as a barrier, she managed to play such a significant role in British society and costumes. Herself was the passport for what would be than the English Empire.

I can’t fail to mention that the Queens district in New York is a tribute to this woman.

Out of curiosity, do you know who founded one of the most important museums in the world, the Prado museum?

Princess Maria Isabel of Braganza, daughter of the Portuguese King João VI and consort Queen Carlota Joaquina of Spain.

With Love,

Alexandra

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This Is How It Feels: Narcissistic Father’s

I know that, like me, there are in this world many women and men who had or still have a narcissistic father or mother in their lives. And in many cases, what happens is. Or we turn into a narcissist, or we become a person with deep empathy.

Fortunately, for myself and my bother, we had the lucky gift of having one wonderful grandfather who did the fatherhood role in our lives. For that reason, I don’t see myself as a victim. Instead, I have a strong personality, deep empathy, and also the clinic eye to understand what’s going on around me and others. That’s why I have this place here.

I will never regret how much love I gave in my life to other people, even if it was too much. I will never regret the amazing heart that I possess, and also the qualities so necessary in today’s world as consistency, availability, honesty, and self-worth. When you suffered abuse (emotional in my case), your brain changes, your body change, and you grow up out of the norm. The world, people, situations, and relationships are perceived differently. Easily you identify lies, inconsistent non-verbal communication, and negative energy that can drain your vitality.

Yes, I am a woman who needs nature to recharge, I don’t give a fuck about what other people think, and yes, you are not alone in this world. Never blame yourself because you dated wrong people, understand they are the catalyst to healing internal wounds that we may possess.

Yes, I am the daughter of a narcissistic father, but that is just a little single part of the human being I am today. Was it hard? Yes, it was! I came from hell, literally. But I am here, alive, and so you will be.

Find a good therapist who is specialized in trauma bond or narcissistic abuse to understand your pain and how you feel. Feel free to remove them from your life and never look back.
Understand that when you experience love from a healthy partner, you will give back that love in double. Some will be frightened, but communication is the key. And if they decide to leave, don’t chase.

As Dr. Anoushka Marcin or even Dr. Ramani explain in their videos, maybe you heard your entire life that you were too dramatic, too intense, or sensitive. Don’t let their inability to understand who you are even after you explained, to play a cognitive dissonance in how you perceive reality. I heard this shit my entire life, and after my awakening, oh dear God, please save the world because no one will stop me now.

Use your abilities to succeed in life for you, use your success and your story to educate the world. Never seek revenge and never, ever allow anyone to dictate your self-worth.

Take care of your heart and soul, and maybe, we will find love in someone who has the same level of empathy as us. Till there, be the best partner you can for yourself.

With all my love,

Alexandra

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“I’m Done!” – The Perils of Infatuation

Today I decided to share a conversation that happened on youtube while ago between another user and me. Breakups are hard. And a large percentage of them tend to occur in moments of anxiety, and misunderstandings.

When we go “no contact” after a breakup, it isn’t because we are playing mind games, but because we want to heal, grow, and move on with our lives. We all know that time apart helps our brain and body to recover from the loss, and also re-establish the normal function of our endocrine system.

No contact is also a form of respect for our ex-partner’s wishes and desires. with our silence, we are saying to them: “I heard what you want and need!”

The example I bring here is the reflection of how long it can take for us to recover from a breakup. Also, after two months, the ex-partner tried to contact her, which stopped the healing process, awakening doubts, and longing feelings.

So what all this means?

Most of us don’t know or had someone to teach us at home what is real love and intimacy.

Love is: Action and Muscle!
Intimacy is: Into me see

Soon I will write one article about fearful-avoidant attachment style. But now, I can say that men or women who have attachment trauma are more prone to experiment limerence and a strong need to finish relationships out of the blue, which is dangerous for them. Why? Limerence is not only addictive but also a response to trauma. Homeostatic impulse or confirmation bios like we call in psychology is the subconscious attraction towards what is familiar, and the repulse towards what is unfamiliar.

Example: You meet a partner that your conscious mind say he or she is healthy for you. But something is missing, you don’t feel the intense attraction of the beginning, and their actions of love are quite repulsive. Your subconscious mind will give you all the shreds of evidence why you should dump them. On the paper, and for real, they are amazing people, but you, because you have attachment trauma, you will discard them and seek what is familiar. And familiarity, in this case, is toxicity.

Limerence or Infatuation happens when:

  1. You are drawn to traits in another person that you are repressing in yourself. 
  2. You have a deep unmet need. 
  3. You have painful stories about yourself.

We all experience limerence in the early stages of one relationship. But for individuals with attachment trauma, limerence can lead them to bad decisions in life, reject healthy partners and also, lack of consistency to sustain a relationship.
The rule is, the more you have a lack, the more you crave wholeness. So, the more lack of something, the more infatuation you will feel for someone.

“Levitan offers a handy list of five signs that suggest that an infatuation is not to be trusted. 

  1. The infatuation is the whole relationship. There’s nothing else there. No shared vision or values of the life pathways you both want. Minimal shared interests. Not much to talk about after the initial getting-to-know-you conversations.
  2. You’re so caught up in the chemistry of initial attraction that you can’t, or don’t want to, see who the person really is.
  3. You’re infatuated and at the same time know that the person is bad for you. 
  4. You’re moving toward marriage but find yourself thinking about someone you’ve dated in the past, or looking at others you might date in the future.
  5. You know at some level that you are wasting your time enjoying being infatuated with someone whom you wouldn’t want to marry. “

Infatuation or limerence are repeated thoughts and impulses that mimic what you have done in the past and raise the hell on you to keep you in your comfort zone.

Now to the end of this article and to make you think:

What most people nowadays do after a breakup?

They go to dating apps to seek new validation or start dating new people right away, mimic again what they have done in the past. The cycle will only end when they realize that love begins within and trauma exist not to demonize who we are, but to help us to grow.

I hope the girl on the youtube commentary one day find the love she deserves, because I believe and feel, that people who educate themselves to be better humans deserve the best.

With love,

Alexandra

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Sexual and Intimacy Anorexia is Abuse!

Imagine that you are in one committed relationship, but for some reason, you feel that your partner withholds sex and intimacy. Inside your gut, the alarming bell is always on the warning mode telling there is something unnatural. He or she doesn’t kiss you that much, don’t hold hands with you, might walk ahead from you on the street. And sex is mechanical like he or she is doing you a favor, or to satisfy themselves. They miss when you are away, but when you are near, you can sense their discomfort.

The experience of hot and cold dynamic start to deplete you emotionally and after many conversations trying to understand the situation, seems to be no resolution in sight.

You may ask yourself: Is he or she into me? Am I attractive enough? Where is the man or the woman at the beginning of our relationship?

Believe it or not, attachment styles explains the roots of how we relate with others and how we see sex. And because the video I will use to this article has the title – why the narcissist frustrates you sexually? – You have to know that narcissism is a toxic protective shield of individuals with low self-esteem and emotionally damaged.

Individuals, men, or women, with avoidant or fearful-avoidant attachment style, will withhold sex from you as a form of control, fear of intimacy, fear of enmeshment, or emotional suffocation. They did not experience emotional attunement and consistency while growing up, so real intimacy is perceived as something dangerous. 

What this will cost long term:

  • Disconnection in relationships
  • More frequent break-ups
  • More short-term relationships; low number of long-term relationships
  • Lack of closeness
  • Decreased sexual arousal and pleasure
  • Isolated and lonely sexual experiences (compulsive masturbation, addiction to pornography)
  • Higher levels of Inhibition and anxiety
  • Dissatisfied Spouses
  • Creation of superficial and quick relationships

Typically, we, society, perceive abuse, or associate the word abuse with physical action. However, the most destructive form happens in silence and within what should be a place of sharing and love.
If we look at those individuals with attachment trauma, or with avoidant/ fearful-avoidant attachment style, they experienced abuse in their lives. And being avoidant, or avoid intimacy is a technique to protect themselves from pain and rejection.

We are not fixed or broken beings. People with attachment trauma can learn to open up and be more emotionally and sexually expressive. Learn new skills to connect with themselves and their bodies to gain self-awareness, acceptance, and personal growth.

Withhold sex from your partner is abusive and blame him or her for the problems of the relationship dismissing your participation in the dynamic is also part of that abusive cycle. In severe cases, attachment trauma and narcissism can cohabit, so you will seek romantic fantasies, and jump from one relationship to another without looking after your actions, words, and punitive behaviors towards others, and yourself.

The key to starting the change happens when we admit we have a problem and that we need help.

Where to find professional help:

https://www.betterhelp.com

https://www.psychology.org.au/for-the-public/about-psychology/types-of-psychologists/Counselling-psychology

With love,

Alexandra

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One Year Of Ouso Escrever

Today, precisely a year ago, I started my journey with Ouso Escrever, on the WordPress Platform.
Before I begin this new article, I would like to thank all of you that subscribed, read, and at least internalize the message that my words intend to convey.

So far as I can remember, I always had this innate ability to write. And talk about controversial topics that the population, in general, shouldn’t avoid. We are now living in this period, where most individuals are lazy and whimsical to make intimate relationships work in their lives.

Men and women, nowadays, jump from one relationship to another relationship when the honeymoon phase ends. They are addicted to fantasy, to hormones as drug addicts are to heroin or cocaine. And behind them, they left a wide range of human beings hurt, and wondering for themselves what went wrong.

A real relationship is when you hold hands, and together, you pass the portal to the second phase of the relationship. The second phase of one intimate relationship happens when reality settles down, and you and your partner can overcome misunderstandings. And yes, in some days, you will hate each other but still see him or her as the person you love.

Understand that some men or women are just good at the first stage of the relationship. They run to fast and too ahead of what they can sustain. They might make plans with you, being the ones saying first how much they love you, that you are the best thing they had ever, and then poof! They disappear, they play the hot and cold game, that love you but aren’t in love with you, or they may string you along while you are doing all the relationship work. And then, when you establish boundaries or call them out, they discard you and even might invoke “too much drama” excuse.

Is everyone like this today? No! But to attract the right partner, we should adjust our selection process and feel who we are and what we want.

Never blame who you are just because a relationship didn’t go well. Acknowledge what you learned from the experience, work on yourself, re-attract your energy from the person, and the situation.

If you are a smart dater, and I believe you are, after a breakup, you will want and need to stay alone. Because you know emotionally healthy and mature people take a break from the dating sphere, after losing someone that they used to have one romantic attachment. Someone that they used to call their partner.

This has been my message to all of you since the beginning of this place. So, once again, thank you so much for being part of my WordPress family. The Portuguese/Dutch girl here will continue doing her writing to share knowledge and doing her part to make this world a better place to live.

With love,

Alexandra

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Narcissists And The Silent Treatment

The silent treatment is one amateur, immature, and selfish way to act in relationships. The act of silent treatment itself reveals a lack of self-awareness and the capacity to regulate emotions. It doesn’t matter if they are narcissists or not silent treatment is part of the range of toxic and harmful attitudes to a relationship.

Remember, bad behavior is unacceptable, and you have the power not only to erase that from your life but also to train yourself to find a healthy partner. Able to have healthy conversations and love you in your moments of glory or weakness.

With Love,

Alexandra

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Online Romance Scams: Aussies And Americans Are The Targets

Last year were reported that Australians lost over 28.6 million dollars and Americans 201 million dollars in online romance scams.

My first question is: What a hell are we doing with people, relationships, and love?

As you all know, I had a long distant relationship for two years, and no, it’s not easy. Not because you don’t have real feelings and love for the other person, but because to visit your partner and spend with him or her quality time, it involves your ability to save money and also the disposition to move forward with the relationship. I can give the example that when he was in Portugal with me, I just allowed him to pay sometimes the lunch, nothing more. And the same happened when I was in Australia. He paid our stay in one beautiful apartment near the beach, and I cooked for us and bought the ingredients for it.

Although our relationship ended the way it did in the second time I was in Australia, it would never cross my mind to ask him money for anything or play games with his feelings. For example, on his birthday last September, and from Portugal, I exchanged emails and messages with one Australian pastry chef to make him a birthday cake. The cake was ready on his birthday, and he went to the cake shop to get it.

For me, this is love in action!

So yes, you can definitely have long-distance relationships, which the end goal is to build a life together. It is part of our human nature the need to connect with other individuals and praise them with our consistency and love. So, sadly, I don’t understand all this nightmare around dating and love.

How can someone use another human being to steal money “in the name of love”? How can someone use the vulnerabilities of another human being to exploit and destroy self-esteem?

I can understand that this modern society detached sex from love and removed old protocols in the dating reality. But that would be amazing if, in return, we would replace the old with a new and fresh vision of what and how should be a relationship between two individuals.

I would be thrilled if men and women would start to pay attention to life and prospective red flags in dating.

A recent study conducted by Harvard enlightened that men and women should stay away from prospective partners who have a public Instagram profile where they self promote who they are with selective and edited pictures. Bikini pictures, half-naked pictures, trip pictures, selfie-pictures with edition. Why? Those individuals are prone to accept friendships from other people and engage with them in sexy flirtation conversations while in one relationship. Also, the new trend, women use Instagram on dating apps to build their followings.

The way women and men use their profile on Instagram is a red flag that shouldn’t be ignored when you are looking for a long-term intimate partner.

For example, in Russia, girls take classes to seduce foreigners. Rina Piantanida, who married a Greek, has a series of youtube on how to “win” a foreigner man. And no, I’m not saying it is a scam, but we should stop a reflect about this.

You can see the full article here: https://www.rbth.com/lifestyle/331087-seduce-foreigner-training-in-russia

Online dating, as I wrote in previous articles, should be one of the ways to meet new people, not the only one. The online dating pool is the favorite place to emotionally unavailable individuals, narcissists, sociopaths, and scammers navigate. The percentage of people that navigates in those platforms and really want a real relationship and are emotionally healthy is small.

Remember that those platforms were created to addict you to the process of online shopping for mates and that using electronic communication to perform the courting process is just having one relationship with the most insecure parts of ourselves.

The idealization of the partner à la carte removes you from the possibility to create a meaningful and real connection, not because you don’t have enough options, but because the illusion you have inside your head is too grander.

So my best advice to you is: Learn how to survive and thrive in an age of bullshit, but most importantly, don’t dump good and real men or women just because you think you can do better. The paradox of choice is here to confuse you and tear you apart from real love.

Have a lovely week,

Alexandra

Sources: https://edition.cnn.com/2020/02/14/us/online-romance-scams-losses-trnd/index.html

https://thenewdaily.com.au/life/tech/2020/02/09/romance-scams-australia-2019/

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Why Break Up With a Narcissist Isn’t a Normal Breakup?

I may repeat myself, but I will always emphasize that a real relationship is created to help us to dominate our emotions.

Life has these amazing ways to attract certain kinds of individuals not to torture us, but to illuminate and help us to navigate through those places where fear freeze our ability to move forward.

A real partnership is a place where you hold hands and work together as a team to face challenges. Side by side step by step, you gain the ability and genuine curiosity to know your partner, and understand his or her deepest fears without judgment. To help, to nourish, and assist him or her to succeed. You are there always available, and consistent, without games.

When your relationship ends, you may feel the pain, the loss, but over time you will remember how much you learned with this person. And most likely, he or she will stay in good light for the rest of your life.

So the question remains, why when a relationship with Narcissist individuals ends don’t feel that way? And who is a Narcissist individual?

True pathological narcissism, has always been rare and remains, only one 1 percent of the population suffer from this condition. So what we are experiencing in our current society is the rise of individuals with high traits of narcissism promoted by one environment where everything should be a competition. Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, and most dating apps like Tinder, PlentyofFish, and OkCupid, are just a few examples of the pool where these individuals navigate, brag about their lives, and seek new sources of supply.

Individuals with higher narcissistic traits also have an avoidant, or fearful-avoidant attachment style. So your chances to meet and date one are pretty high. Yet, all of us need to stay away from that standard image of that narcissist’s love cars, money and looks. Grandiose narcissists care about money, cars, and beauty, but what about covert or vulnerable narcissists?

Covert or vulnerable narcissist individuals are more prone to introversion than other types of narcissism. Although they have grandiose fantasies, they feel inadequate, they are shy, have a deep tendency to hold grudges, envy, anxiety, and emptiness.

So Why Break Up With a Narcissist Isn’t a Normal Breakup? The answer is simple, Illusion. Why an Illusion? Because when you start a relationship with them, they will apply the love-bomb technique to lock you down because they know you are a good source to suppress their self-void. In this period, hormones like dopamine and oxytocin will run wild and free in their brain, and that’s when their love for you happens.

Narcissist individuals can experience love, but not the form of love that healthy mature people perceive. Love is a transaction for them, even when they are experiencing this intoxicating cocktail of love hormones, which they are addicted.

They want to know your dreams, “provide” the life you deserve, sell you the perfect life, your private details to reach your brain, and later gaslight you. That will be the second phase of your relationship until the devaluation and discard.

It is only mirroring and won’t last forever, because they are chasing a fantasy fairytale, not a real relationship or person. 

They don’t bond with you, so when you start to call them out, or when you try to educate them, they devalue and discard you without looking back.
We should understand that, deep down, these individuals will do whatever they can to avoid, repress, and ignore where they stand emotionally.

When you reach, the devalue, and discard stage, blindsided, is the word to define how you will feel. You will feel the pain, the loss, the anger not only for the relationship you had, but also for the relationship and the person you thought you had.

After the discard what they will do? Chase a new fantasy (means a new person), and you will be completely devastate. You may ask yourself how he or she can move on so fast? Remember, they never had a bond with you. So they are already searching for a new person because they can’t stand and face their inner vacuum, and won’t get back to you because you already know who they are.

These men or women want to live Hollywood fantasies and go through the raindrops, not the real challenges of a real relationship.
If you read the book “Attached”, which I highly recommend, you will understand this dynamic.

Tips for you:

  1. Don’t avoid your feelings and if you have wounds, heal them because it is what attracts narcissists, and other forms of emotionally unavailable people. 
  2.  Understand where you stand in this relationship and don’t buy the love-bombing phase. 
  3. Don’t go to dating websites when you are feeling lonely, or having big life-changing events in your life. 
  4. Meet people organically and start from friendship. 
  5. Learn to say no.
  6. Acknowledge it takes time to trust and be vulnerable with someone. 
  7. When you reject a narcissist even if they discarded you, they are forced to confront their emptiness, that’s why they need someone new to avoid it. 
  8. Individuals higher in narcissism tended to post selfies and self-presented photos, bikini photos, update their profile picture more often, and spend more time on Instagram, as compared to their counterparts. 
  9. Narcissists will frustrate you sexually.
  10. After the discard, go no contact to heal and move forward.
  11. LOVE WHO YOU ARE AND UNIFY YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF!

To close this article, what narcissist individual fears the most? A STRONG YOU!

Warning: Not all therapists will acknowledge your pain, so please, if you can seek therapists trained in narcissistic abuse, and trauma bond.

I will write more about this topic.

Have a lovely weekend!

Alexandra

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Slow Down To Wake Up!

In my previous articles, I decided to share personal information because, like me, many women and even men are experiencing hardships or trauma events. Unfortunately, not all of us have the strength or the ability to use stress coping strategies to deal with life challenges.

The more I live, the more I believe how some individuals are so ungrateful to have amazing partners, children, and friends in their lives. It is unbelievable the number of games and strategies they use to destroy or erode relationships. Some do it consciously, others unconsciously.

In the second week of January, I had for the very first time in my life, a nervous breakdown after being exposed for so long to constant stressful events at work, and responsibilities.
And yes, the end of my intimate relationship, as I have already reported here, was the last drop of water that made the glass overflow. I felt literally dead and emotionally listless.

I can recall the first symptoms around June/July of 2019 because I was always tired, had insomnia episodes, and a deep desire to eat things with sugar. Besides that, I was emotional and physically harassed by my father and his friends. And here, here I call your attention to seek information about narcissism, smear campaigns, and flying monkeys. This shit is real and can destroy your health and the most precious thing that lives within you, life!

I am a strong woman, I don’t let people put me down, and I can deal with stress events well. But this time, there was something different. I felt a void I felt anger, I felt betrayed, I felt lost, abandoned and deep sadness. So I decided to seek professional help, but this time in trauma, emotional abuse, and loss.


As my therapist told me, throughout my life, I have been the woman who goes ahead and has goals. Those around me, end up leaning on me, and when I needed their support, they couldn’t provide it, or they ran away because it was too much. That’s why we should slow down and look around us, watch actions, not words. Because with the demands of life, we got easily distracted and go with the flow. We think we have support and love, when in fact, we don’t have at all.

“It is also important to be aware that even if you have had a secure attachment style from childhood, this style could deviate in the direction of having a fearful style if you subsequently experience a major loss, such as the death of a parent, or if you are otherwise traumatized (e.g., violent crime, or being in a long-term, emotionally abusive relationship.)”

Life isn’t a game. Humans beings aren’t toys that we use today, and tomorrow we don’t want because we don’t feel the limerence anymore. Human beings deserve respect, compassion, and deep feelings of love and understanding. Why is this so hard for some individuals to understand?

Why are we keeping alive this fucking game where dishonesty and unfaithfulness are the master keys of this society? Why are we protecting emotional abuse towards healthy people, and not punishing bad behavior? It is a sickness!

Abuse seems to be the new norm in the modern but not so fashion society.

In my recovery process, I was obliged to quit my job, file a criminal complaint against my father for emotional abuse, violence, and our company’s money misappropriation. I also had to remove my presence from social media, establish three days a week to go swimming. Reconnect with who I am, close friends, and family.

When your body is screaming to you is time to leave, accept and move forward because life is short to waste time with things and individuals that don’t see who you are because their inner turmoil is too intense to make them see the light.

To finish my article, I would like to share with you a video from one man, who has a strong voice. The warm voice with traces of sweetness.

Time and Time again, by Nick J Wood

With love,

Alexandra

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Time Out From Dating!

After the end of one relationship, be it with a narcissist or a regular individual, it is imperative to take a long break from the dating world and acknowledge what needs to be changed.
We, human beings, need connections the most, but I am an active advocate that we also lose amazing partners because of familiarity with toxic blindness.
Toxic blindness happens when your brain sends you signals that your partner is boring because of the absence of the trigger for the emotional roller coaster that is required to feel the familiar passion.

“Familiar passion” is the reason why many men and women dump good partners. The ambivalent love they experienced in their childhood through their parents programmed their brain to recognize consistency, kindness, and compassion from a prospective partner as a turn-off. Because the thrill of the chase in this dynamic is absent, which in reality erodes real connections to happen, they will seek out more familiar targets even if they remain single forever.

I would like you to understand that everything has a contribution to how we perceive love, even our hormones. And talking about hormones, the honeymoon phase for emotionally unavailable individuals are way shorter than for the rest of the population. Their propendency to addiction leads them to believe once the honeymoon phase wears off, they don’t love their partner anymore and so they have to replace the person.

Listen to this video with attention and take care of your heart and soul.

With love,

Alexandra

“Here are the reasons why taking a break from dating can help us to sort through other issues, so that when we get back in the saddle, there’s a chance of relationships going in better directions:

1. Relationships can be re-traumatizing.

2. Dysfunctional relationships prevent personal growth.

3. Relationships interfere with psychotherapy.

4. Relationships can keep us from doing what we really want to do.

5. Letting ourselves get pulled into familiar relationships can prevent us from finding new relationships.

Source: Psychology Today

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Amalia Rodrigues By Cuca Roseta

Amália Rodrigues was known as the “Queen of Fado” and was most influential in popularizing the fado worldwide. She performed around the world where love was the center of her music lyrics. With her voice, she touched the dark side of love and the joy behind the suffering.

Today and to share my Portuguese culture with all of you, I introduce the Portuguese singer Cuca Roseta singing one of my favorite Amalia songs.

And yes, we, Portuguese women, we possess distinct facial feature and unique beauty.

I hope you enjoy the melody, the voice, and vibrato.

Alguém que Deus já lá tem
Pintor consagrado
Que foi bem grande
E nos dói já ser do passado
Pintou numa tela
Com arte e com vida
A trova mais bela
Da terra mais querida

Subiu a um quarto que viu
À luz do petróleo
E fez o mais português
Dos quadros a óleo
Um Zé de Samarra
Com a amante a seu lado
Com os dedos agarra
Percorre a guitarra
E ali vê-se o fado

Faz rir a ideia de ouvir
Com os olhos senhores
Fará, mas não para quem já o viu
Mas em cores
Há vozes de Alfama
Naquela pintura
E a base derrama
Canções de amargura

Dali vos digo que ouvi
A voz que se esmera
Boçal de um Faia banal
Cantando a Severa
Aquilo é bairrista
Aquilo é Lisboa
Boémia e fadista
Aquilo é de artista
Aquilo é Malhoa

Aquilo é bairrista
Aquilo é Lisboa
Boémia e fadista
Aquilo é de artista
Aquilo é Malhoa

With my love,

Alexandra

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“The Dawn Of The Dating Apocalypse”

Yesterday, 1th June, was the World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day Established in 2016. I decided only to write about it today for two main reasons. The reason number one I am a survivor of this type of abuse, and secondly, because it will be a personal post, I wanted to make sure that I would be able to provide insightful education about this topic.

For you, who follows my blog from the very beginning, I believe you do understand that I am an advocate of sincerity, compassion, and real love/intimacy connections. My brain can’t process how and why people play games, and why others, teach these people to play those games. We, human beings, are living the apocalypse of emotional bankruptcy, which seems socially acceptable to exist.

In the last twenty years of my life, I’ve been the target of consecutive emotional abuse, smear campaigns (which are abuse also), and other sorts of emotional manipulations, that in “normal” circumstances would lead me to commit suicide. But exceptionally, and thanks to my personality, I have remained firm and loyal to my goals, and my life.

I wrote here in the past that my father is abusive, a pure narcissist that destroyed our family in all areas, and alienated my mother by controlling her through financial dependency. These people suck the good on you, punch your soul, and in the eyes of society, they are the saviors of the motherland. I became his target because I discovered he was cheating on my mother, that he was embezzling the company’s money to feed his mistress and luxurious life.
This pathological behavior can destroy your entire life because of the law and medical system, and even some therapists don’t recognize narcissism as a crime.

Now, why are we living the dawn of the dating apocalypse? Social media and dating apps are the center stage for narcissists and other unavailable emotional forms of people to seek their fresh supply. These platforms allow these individuals to construct a very convincing and compelling false mask that lures potential targets into various scams. A majority of online dating users have been shown to have profiles that stray from the truth in some capacity (Wood, 2012).

Our current hookup culture and the rise of online dating apps have made emotional unavailability a new normal (Garcia, et. al 2012). That’s why we see so many people feeling entitled to all the benefits of one intimate relationship without actually being in one. Older and younger generations are becoming accustomed to the idea of having another date or rebound at their fingertips, without doing the inner work of healing from past relationships or their self-esteem.

Men and women “lash out” into a new partner without grieve or learn from past mistakes proclaiming their love for the new source of supply.

I never used dating apps to meet or date people, but two years ago, I decided to give it a try, and through OkCupid, I meet my ex-partner. What was, I thought, a stable relationship became a nightmare last 3rd of January when he discarded me. I was literally on the other side of the world, without my family and friends, just with him and his family, and after many commentaries that upset me, he decided it was over. From the goddess on the pedestal, I became the piece of crap, the unnecessary toy.

After five months of our break up, he is back to the dating scene, which leads to the question: who is the emotionally healthy person that after a relationship of two years will seek right away a new relationship? I know this because the last time I went on Facebook, I received a notification that he added a woman from another nationality again. (The show must go on)

Since January, I have been working on myself with the help of my therapist because I was emotionally drained and exhausted. This beautiful tall woman has been in the first row of the battle. Fighting, helping, giving who she truly is. The only social media page I have, Facebook, I left it for good. I don’t want to see or hear bullshit because this is my moment, and my time to heal.

To conclude my article, I would like to say to you this: never be ashamed of who you are. For those of you who had narcissistic fathers or mothers, you will be a magnet to emotionally unavailable people and narcissists themselves. We can’t diagnose these individuals, but we always can seek information from credible sources that will help us to identify the red flags.

Women and Men are here to live a real-life and full experience where compassion and understanding should be the key to harmonize intimate and social connections. Remember, you are worthy of a great and healthy relationship that begins within yourself. If you are a highly sensitive or an empath person like I am, understand that not all people have your integrity or transparency. Not all people have the ability to sense the surrounding energies and empathy to wear your shoes.

One trained therapist in these areas will help you to understand how your brain works and how you should avoid cognitive dissonance.

Forms of emotional abuse in online/offline dating:

Breadcrumbing
Ghosting
Benching
Catfishing
Curve
Kittenfisáing
Love Bombing
Microcheating
Orbiting
Roaching
Situationship

Don’t buy online dating, don’t buy any kind of shitty treatment!

Wish you well,

Alexandra

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Between Good or Bad: Choose To Be Present Within Yourself!

Think about this:

“Whether it’s society’s pressure, our culture, or the drive to try and make everyone happy around us, we all face obstacles to going deeper within our reality. This can leave us feeling unfulfilled, anxious, and depressed, searching for meaning outside ourselves, and trying anything to develop a real connection. Many of us feel that money or fame will fulfill us. We believe the story sold to us that building a company, finding a perfect partner, having a great career, or traveling the world will lead us to true happiness. We search all over for that peaceful sense of fulfillment, and we struggle to find it. Because it’s not outside ourselves; it’s within us. Once we understand this very concept, we can finally become good enough for life. We can finally start seeking approval from the only person who matters: ourselves. “

Some tips:

  1. Don’t use temporary forms of instant gratification (alcohol; drugs; sex; gambling; dating apps)
  2. Sit with your discomfort
  3. Live with intention
  4. Use the real you to influence others to be themselves
  5. Observe your own life and events inherent to it.

You are the center of your life, remember who you were right before society told you what you should be.

Portugal, May 2020

With all my love,

Alexandra

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Why is this Adele Song So Educational?

Adele song – Send my love (To your new lover) – teach us the reason why we shouldn’t fall in love faster in the initial stages of dating. The Love Bombing phase, which is one form of abuse, is a technique used by an unavailable partner category where we can insert people with avoidant attachment. Narcissists and other forms of personalities that are afraid of real intimacy.

“This was all you, none of it me
You put your hands all over my body and told me, umm
You told me you were ready
For the big one, for the big jump
I’d be your last love everlasting you and me
That was what you told me
I’m giving you up
I’ve forgiven it all
You set me free,
Oh Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We’ve gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain’t kids no more”

Everything is fast, you are their god or goddess, and you have a pedestal in their imagination, which is running wild and free since the very first moment they saw you. They pull you into this amazing dream, where you are perfect, their soul mate, till one day they see you are a real person.

Yes, you can see them, you love them, but they can’t see you. Sooner, the fade away phase will start, and you won’t understand why.
If you are one educational partner, and you tried to have a conversation with no results, you won’t chase and give them the breakup they want.

“I was too strong you were trembling
You couldn’t handle the hot heat rising (rising), umm
Baby I’m so rising
I was running, you were walking
You couldn’t keep up, you were falling down (down), umm
There’s only one way down
I’m giving you up
I’ve forgiven it all
You set me free, oh”

After the breakup/discard, they will find somebody else with whom the same scene will be played. But if you are emotionally healthy, no contact will be the source of happiness and self-healing that you deserve.

You will rise again, and they will remember your name forever because you didn’t stay in their harem, and no one can replace the real person you were, and always will be.

All my love for you,

Alexandra

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No Contact Is For You And Forever!

After a breakup, if you are the dumpee, you will experience separation anxiety, which will give you diarrhea, panic attacks, headaches, obsessive thoughts, nightmare dreams. And all the pain and fears of the universe. Your cortisol will run wild and free, and yes, it’s normal, you will cry like a baby.

You are experiencing the death of someone you used to love with the aggravating that they are still alive. So when your ex asks you to be friends, please go directly with no contact and leave them alone.

No contact is forever. No contact isn’t a game that you use to manipulate your ex. And no, it isn’t 30 or 60 days like you can see all over the web, that’s bullshit to make you buy recovering programs which won’t allow you to heal and find your inner peace.

The real characteristics of real no Contact:

  1. Time to focus on yourself and redefine yourself and your goals.Work on yourself with professional guidance. Try to find a therapist who has a specialization in Attachment styles and Trauma bonds.
  2. Journal daily all your thoughts and feelings about the relationship and the breakup because while you do this, you are creating new neuro paths within your brain.
  3.  Cease interactions in social media, and mute them.
  4. Uninstall social media apps from your cell phone for a while.
  5. Retract your energy from your ex, cutting those obsessive thoughts and inner conversations with him or her.
  6.  If you were a really good partner, let life teach them the lessons they need to learn. 
  7. Use this time to grieve, to breath and educate yourself to love again. 
  8. It doesn’t matter if they are avoidants, have narcissistic traits, or other kinds of broken personalities.
  9. No contact is for you and all about you, not about them.
  10.  Think about your dreams and how to make them real. 
  11. Don’t let other people take advantage of this vulnerable moment.
  12. Don’t go back to dating apps, and please introduce yourself in real-life situations without fear. Dating apps, unfortunately, have a small percentage of people that are open to having one real romantic relationship. But this will be for another article.
  13. Research has shown that thinking about back burners, even for a few minutes, can lower investment in a current partner (Drouin, Miller, & Dibble, 2015). Don’t be one!!

Unfortunately, like everything in life, there are out there people that will offer quick remedies to fix your pain. Don’t buy that. Once again, seek if you can, in your area professional help, and even if you don’t like the professional you are seeing, you can change to another one.

I know how awful these moments are, I have been there recently, and this is my professional contribution to help you get through it.

Breakups are real. Breakups are the death of one relationship. Find peace within yourself, and please, receive my warm hug.

My love for you,

Alexandra

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The Healing Journey of Slowing Down

As the book “Guide to Intuitive Healing” describes, we all possess an intuitive language, which is the essence of who we are and our energy.
During our life journey, some people are amazing to be around, while others deplete all the goodness we possess inside.
The truth is when we interact with another person, more than just verbal communication. There is an energy exchange that can affect your well-being.

Here are the five types of personalities that can drain you:

  1. Narcissists
  2. The Eternal Victim, with the “poor-me” attitude
  3. The Controller
  4. The Constant Talker
  5. The Drama Queen

To understand why this happens and stop the cycle, we have to understand and accept our mammal instincts. As human beings, we like to attach with other people, love them, help them, be part of their lives. So when you are with someone you love, your brain releases oxytocin, and when around by people who you can’t trust releases cortisol.
Crying is one of the consequences and the biological necessity after the cortisol release. For this reason, we should always scan our bodies and understand that the experiences we are living in are real.

Change your reality by changing your behavior and rewiring your brain:

To stop the destructive and unhealthy patterns, rewire the brain will be your key to success. It will be a difficult task because build new neuron connections paths will challenge your abilities and make you feel uncomfortable. You are so used to what is old, that it becomes a norm. Look at people, who in the dating world they accept prospective partners who ghost, gaslight, and breadcrumb them. These behaviors are abusive and unacceptable, but they are now, unfortunately, the norm.

It takes 45 days to build new connections in our brains, so please do this exercise:

  1. Write in one paper, the old patterns, beliefs, and behaviors from childhood, which you want to change. 
  2. Write the new healthy changes you want to do, step by step, and visualize it every day after wake up. 
  3. Start your day with this statement: I am worthy, I am enough, I deserve a good life and to be loved. 
  4. Use nature to cure your emotional wounds.
  5. Surround yourself with people that lift you up.
  6. Change your job, end your relationship, erase from life people that put you down .
  7. Remind yourself, each day, that you have built effective survival skills, and now you can meet your own needs.
  8. Use sports activities to balance your hormonal production, and enhance your emotions.
© 2020 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved

Never doubt your reality and believe in your gut instincts when you feel something is off. Playing the victim role is an easy task for everyone, but excruciating because you lose your power, and let others take the lead.
We are born not to be the victims. We are here to experience the gift of light and real love.

© 2020 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved

Have fun and a lovely weekend! I am doing that for myself 😉

Alexandra

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Quitting Social Media

Am I a millennial? Well, at the beginning of this year, I decided to call it quits to social media usage, and I will stick to that plan. I can recognize the positive aspects of it, but as a woman, and now studying neuroeducation made me realize the amount of unnecessary time we spent on it.

It is an addiction that all of us should avoid, and we shouldn’t allow children to be part of it either.

The power to walk away not only gives you the sovereignty
of your life, but also the ability to seek and spend time with the ones that matter to you.

The ones who love you will always find one way to reach out to you, and you are a real human being who deserves and need real connections in real-time.

I am who I am, and you are who you are for the stories you lived, for the scars (visible and invisible) that you carry in your body and heart. So what is Social Media, then? A place to make new friends? One place to date new partners or enhance your business?

What is the psychological effect behind it? Don’t you think we are not only destroying our attachments styles but also creating a new reality full of avoidance?

My name is Alexandra, and I quit social media because I am too good to be true, but you know what? I’m not a millennial, I am real, and so you are!

Alexandra

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Real Love is Action: Let’s Think and Integrate This!

Between the articles I write on here, personal experience, and conversations with friends, my position about this topic remains the same. Love is equivalent or a synonym of action.

Remember this, use educational videos or articles to empower and improve your choices and life. Use these instruments to sift the chaff wheat, and be happy in one romantic partnership or alone.

Don’t blame, don’t antagonize and chose healthily because real love, is also the power to say goodbye or walk away when there is no space to grow.

Don’t paint your future with gray colors because of what it might have been, but with cheerful colors because you are sure and alive in the present moment.

Wonderful week!

Alexandra

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Dating and Fertility Challenges

All of us, without exception, are tired of hearing that starting a relationship nowadays is a difficult task that requires judgment and patience on our part. Every day new terminologies emerge to define unacceptable behaviors in the romantic dating scene.

But what about people that want to have a deep and long-lasting relationship, but have to deal with fertility issues?

Where is the support for these individuals?

When is the right timing to talk about fertility to a prospective partner?

Most of us are not aware that we have fertility issues until the moment we have sex without protection with our partner for more than one year, and pregnancy doesn’t occur.
If you know you have fertility issues and you are navigating the dating scene trying to find a good match for you, what are your options?
There is not much information about this topic, pretending that these people don’t exist, which creates a space with a lack of support and sustainable advice.

Talk about fertility issues is a very private subject, which means you don’t go down your street with a scoreboard in hand saying: “I am infertile!”.

These are my tips for you:

  1. There’s no right time to disclose fertility issues to a potential mate.
  2. Not all your prospective partners need to know about your medical
    condition, and this is the reason why you should be present, aware, and use your judgment capacity.
  3. Use the short sentence “I have fertility issues” and wait for the reaction.
  4. Be ready to answer all the questions, and please do it with and in peace.
  5. Explain the options you have available, but be aware that not everyone is willing to go down the path of adoption, surrogacy, or other medical procedures.
  6. Don’t allow anyone to tells you that you are hiding or lying. You have to feel comfortable and safe to discuss this subject.
  7. Consider parenting on your own (The number of single British women seeking sperm rose by 55 per cent between 2000 and 2012.)
  8. Your fertility issues are no issue for the right person, and he or she will make your journey, their journey.
  9. Have this in mind: “The shrinkage of the dating pool with time and its later domination by less secure types means the older you are, the more cautious you should be, because it is much more likely that those in the dating pool in later years have a problematic attachment type, or even worse problems keeping them from sustaining good relationships.”
  10. Have compassion for who you are and the difficulties you are facing, and at the end of the day, trust your instincts.

Like everything in life, there are some parts of our existence, unless it is for educational proposes, we shouldn’t declare to anyone. Mostly, when we feel in our instincts, there is something wrong about the person we are already dating. Not every person you will date is worthy to access the beauty of your wounds and can understand your pain.

Your fertility issues should be a no issue for you, take it as part of your self, and everything around will change. The less division exists within you, the more attractive for the right person you will be.

With love,

Alexandra

image: Irina Shatilova/iStock

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Why Conventional Dating Tips Leads To Disaster?

As all of you must notice, I have a different way to approach relationships because I believe humans are complex creatures that deserve respect and deep understanding. I try to give you as much information as I can because around the internet there are plenty of places and plenty of people that demonize other people.

I’ve seen lots of youtube channels where the topic of the videos is all about narcissists, avoidants, breakups, and whatever you can imagine. But, in some cases, I feel in my body that the content they produce is to instigate drama and blame against people who are, traumatized and scared like hell.

Emotional trauma and fear of intimacy is one good cocktail to sabotage intimate relationships when they become real, because there are unresolved issues. Small behaviors can trigger the old memories you have in your brain and projecting them in the present moment, causing anxiety, and the need to escape.

And at this level, we are talking about avoidant attachment style.

My last relationship was with one man with an avoidant attachment style, but more than blame him, and call him names the questions I made after the breakup were: what did he, and our relationship teach me? The answer was simple! It was time to end my family’s legacy.

I had a family pattern in which one of the members of all generations was avoidant. Also, the most stable/secure person would take over the business, solve problems, assume more responsibilities that he or she should, and be the provider.

My grandmother from my father part, my grandfather from my mother part, and now me. We are visible examples of that reality. Is it healthy? No! Because it erodes our health, our lives, because we are too available, always there to help and to solve.

All this was the legacy of my family, while some people pooped, others would clean up the shit creating a cycle of vicious in which those who ran away, never assumed the responsibility for the shit they did.
People, who are ready to clean the shit, are the ones who are always available, available to fix, available to solve, available to give.

Is this healthy?

BIG NO! You can not give and solve everything without having your needs met. And because I am the most important person in my life, this is the real reason why I left the company of my family and delivered one of the tractors for sale. I’m not going to sacrifice myself anymore.

Now, did I loved my ex-partner? Yes, I loved him with all my heart. I saw the real man he is, the human being, the soul.

But was he in a position to be the right partner for me?

No! He is a man who is still angry with women and ended the relationship not because he didn’t love me, but because being there for him was something that he didn’t have even in his childhood. Unfamiliarity breeds repulsive behaviors, which are unhealthy ways to answer.

This man showed up in my life to heal himself, to hold his hand to mine, and walk side by side till I could. But now, I won’t try to rescue or fix anything or anyone. Now I am the principal character of my movie.

My advice:

More than using your time to look for “the one”, use that time to work on yourself and look inwards. Look at the dynamic of your family, and understand that some people will cross your road. But because they are far behind in their journey, you have to leave them behind with gratitude and compassion.

You can assist the growth of someone you love, but never slow down the pace of your journey to accommodate them!

Mindfulness is the key to success and a better life!

With all my love,

Alexandra

Image: https://www.cartoonsidrew.com/

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Use Nature as Fuel!

Sunday, 10 May 2020

Spending daily time outdoors can heal, restore, and connect you with your inner world. The silence of nature has the power to re-centered our nervous system and align our brain’s hormones production.

When you are surrounded by nature, you´re simply in the present. Conscious and awake to the moment, going with the flow and living your life.

For people like me, called empaths, we need to go out to nature to find stability and purge negative emotions or energy from our bodies.

If you are feeling exhausted, emotionally, or physically, nature is a good option to reestablish and fulfill your tank with pure energy.

Chose healthily, be healthy!

Take care of yourself,

Alexandra

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Chiquitita: The Resilience Message!

I always had a profound admiration for Cher not because she is one international idol, but because she never hid from her audience the flaws and vulnerable moments. With one career spanning for five decades, she is the living proof that age is just one number and that the no’s you receive from life, and people, are the gas you need to live your life propose.

Chiquitita, the Spanish version, came out today, 8 May, at the exact moment that I am living the biggest life-changing of my entire existence. One funny aspect of this version of the song is it touched my heart more than the English version, for sure because, the Spanish language is so close to Portuguese.

Self-compassion, self-love is the fundamental rule to cross the bridge of life even when people you used to love decided to follow another road. Don’t stick yourself in one spiral of sadness or try to save anyone or anything at your expense, emotional, energetically, or physical expense.

I am one wonderful woman, I am Alexandra, and I love a good challenge. Bring it all life, because I am here for you!
In the school era, my friends used to call me Cher. Even now, the ones I still have after more than two decades call me that, and I am proud, I am a natural warrior.

After the darkness, the universe always brings into your life what you deserve. Be firm, be your best self and please, love who you are.

For you that use to read to my articles, I send my love!

“Chiquitita, sabes muy bien
Que las penas vienen y van y desaparecen
Otra vez vas a bailar
Y serás feliz
Como flores que florecen
Chiquitita, no hay que llorar
Las estrellas brillan por ti allá en lo alto
Quiero verte sonreír
Para compartir
Tu alegría, Chiquitita
Otra vez quiero compartir
Tu alegría, Chiquitita
Otra vez quiero compartir
Tu alegría, Chiquitita”

Alexandra