Em destaque

Bounce Back from Adversity: When Enough is Enough

The Buddhists say without mud, there is no lotus. They also defend having a big mind means you can share your adverse experiences by either talking or writing with no filter because you see it as a way to improve yourself.

Because we are so close to Christmas now, I decided it was the right time to write about one topic that has been the pain of my ass all this year. I’m not doing it because I want to talk about my private life, so far from that. I want to show you when it’s time to let things go and when it’s time to say no to people, even if they are family.

I believe you know that being a farmer and have a farm is one of the toughest jobs because imperfectibility is part of the game. You can’t control the weather for sure, and human actions either. I can describe to you Alexandra as one tough woman, someone who knows what she wants and where she is going.

I love agriculture it requires you to have a strong personality, good emotional and cognitive characteristics because when failure is there for some reason, you have to recover from it and keep going with your chin up. Dignity and integrity is the key.

Those who are resilient are able to believe in themselves and their ability to effectively manage life’s challenges. So, my two questions are:

1. What if people with or without your blood try to sabotage your work with schemes?
2. Will laws protect you?

I will start to answer the second question Laws won’t protect you. Why? Personally, 2019 was lived to pay debts made by my father in the name of the company. He made purchases, investments without being the manager of the company. I am the manager, and my name was in the middle of this complete mess, even without my signature. Another question is, shouldn’t suppliers make sure that the individual who is purchasing things for the company has the power to do so? Shouldn’t laws and courts be more attentive to these issues? Where is the obligation of the contract signature? Where is the justice?

To be more precise, this man has developed narcissists traits during the years, he cheated on my mother and led a thriving business to bankruptcy. Feels like him and his friends dictate the law, and everyone has to kiss the ground he steps on. Exactly what I never did or will do. 

What if people with or without your blood try to sabotage your work with schemes? Well, this is one intricate question because if in the beginning, you try to manage things because you have blood relations when things get worse, and there is a perpetuation of toxic behaviors, you say goodbye.

When you feel inside your gut that people try to sabotage your work because they act based on personal conflicts, and waves of anger against your ancestors, you have to raise your sword and fight with fair play. It’s hard because there is so much corruption out there, people will think you are crazy, you are reading to many novels. But I’m sorry to disappoint you, in real life, in business, there is no space for unicorns or pink colors.

I’m so fucking tired, so emotional drained, but I did a stupendous work because I could solve most of the problems. To be a businesswoman, an investor, especially in this field, means you have to know how to separate “brandy” from work. There are no friends, no acquaintances, or family. In business and money, there is no room for feelings or emotions.

Alexandra doesn’t have the patience to deal with people who don’t know what they want or where they are going.
All these and other circumstances of life led me to one point where I’m very demanding when it comes to intimate relationships and about who I allow in my life.

For me, a weak man is someone who doesn’t keep his word and feed emotional bullshit outside the relationship. It is someone who doesn’t pay attention to my passions and what makes me alive with butterflies in the stomach.

The best lesson of this year for life? I have to remain who I am. Accept breadcrumbing will only lead to resentment. I have to shine even more in this world. I can always achieve what I want because the real power resides in me. I understood partnership is one important stone in my life, although I denied this for too long while I was healing my emotional wounds, I always wanted to have a healthy intimate relationship.

All these situations made me realize how much I want to be a mother and start a new life where I can be who I am and leave my mark because of who I am. Not because I am the daughter or granddaughter of somebody else.

I never had afraid to start from zero, I will do it again because I deserve so much better, and who genuinely loves me will be with me on that journey.

No matter how tough is the storm, the sun is waiting for you. You’re the sun, the world your red carpet.

With love,

Alexandra

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The Impact of Emotional Anorexia in Relationships

© 2019 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved

In today’s article, I will bring to Ouso Escrever one topic that I believe everyone had lived in past or is living in the present moment. Emotional Anorexia.

Before I start, I would like to thank you for your contribution to my website through your commentaries, and one warmest welcome to the new people that started following Ouso Escrever recently.

What is Emotional Anorexia?

Emotional anorexia means that you are in a state of emotional starvation. Just as irritability and anger happen when your blood glucose levels go down, when you don’t have enough “psychological sugar”, your emotional “blood levels” also decrease.

This situation is especially true for women who are out there working harder, who know who they are, and even with the bounces of life, they keep fighting for a better life no matter what. The truth is the continued exposure to stress and emotionally stressful situations, lead to a decrease in reserves of emotional and physical well-being.

What happens when the emotional reserves are empty?

  1. You swallow your needs and overdo;
  2. You experience a slow buildup of resentment and anger;
  3. You feel a deep irritation that results in an explosion of volcanic anger. This reaction is over small or even silly transgression, by your partner friends or people close to you;
  4. You are the “bad guy” because you bring old grievances instead of just keep things fun and light.

Does it mean you are wrong? Not really. It does mean you are doing too much and receiving less of what you deserve and is necessary for you. It means you want to be valued, loved, appreciated, and complimented, but you suppress these needs because of life demands. You suppress your needs because you want to see everyone you love happy and safe. Forming and maintaining one intimate relationship requires open communication, respect, and giving of oneself. One important principle of romantic relationships is each partner helps the other to achieve their needs, wants, and desires.

Explanations like distance, lack of time, and other typical allegations used by somewhat “self-centered” people are just the easy road for one woman to lose the respect and admiration she has towards her partner, family, and friends.

Let me ask you these questions:

  • Does your partner check up on you daily basis to know how you are?
  • Do you wish him or her to call you without you have to ask for it?
  • There is curiosity about how is your life involving? What are your dreams?
  • Do you see him or her more into a friend’s life and not in yours? (It happens more than recommended, some people to deny it call their partner’s freaks and with controlling or needy personalities.)
  • How many high fat negative emotions are you consuming in a day?

No one can make another person change. The responsibility to change rests in you.

Don’t nag, don’t yell, don’t treat badly and don’t lose your control.

Let me share this with you,

I am a descendent of people who have fought a lifetime against dishonesty and built their lives through the power of honest work. I carry their example with me, and this year was the hardest year of my life because I hate slutty behavior from men or women. I hate, and I can’t stand with lies and manipulation games, which I saw the entire year. There was no time to have a break, time to think about solutions, time to feel me and respect, my needs.

But what is the lesson I can take from it? First of all, don’t leave things unresolved before you die because the next generations will suffer from it.
Secondly, before you cheat your partner, use your balls or your vagina properly and talk about what and how you feel. Don’t be an asshole or a bitch replacing the importance of your partner in your life by other people.

Thirdly, if one partner can’t stand with you during hardships or use excuses as I wrote before, sooner or later, you will lose respect, admiration, and sexual desire. It’s how it works for me, and for most women that want a man for who they are and not what they have.

I want a man who is willing to take the lead, and exchange with me the old fashion promise rings, which means a high-level of soul interlocking.

I want a partner, a man who is curious about my life, who ask me questions and don’t find excuses to justify his absence. I want a man which I can call my home, the safe space where I can be myself. I want a man who knows where I stand and respect my beliefs, respect my life background, which he considers a sacred place.

Because I am strong doesn’t mean I don’t need attention, it doesn’t mean I don’t need protection, it doesn’t mean I don’t need to be loved. Because I am strong, I need more love, more protection, more emotional support, and understanding.

I am strong but I am tired, I’m tired of being out there fighting to clean the mess and providing safety to everyone.

Lastly, this year made me emotional starving, but I am alive. I’m healing my wounds, I’m stepping back from situations, and people from where I don’t receive what I deserve. I’m proud of myself, my capacity to love and overcome hardships. I understood, after all, I will always have the most precious treasure in my life, me.

My advice for you, don’t swallow the high-fat emotions when it hits your tongue, spit it out. Don’t forget to understand your emotional triggers. Don’t silent your needs, but don’t blame who you love, instead find new healthy ways to love the dark moments in your life. Part of the process of being resilient is resisting the temptation to complain.

Be brave, be you, and don’t forget to fulfill your emotional tank with good emotions.

Find joy, be the joy!

I wish you a wonderful weekend.

With love,

Alexandra

Em destaque

Sex and Relationships: What is Sexual Fluidity?

© 2019 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved

In today’s article, I thought was the right time to bring to the Ouso Escrever stage, one of the most controversial subjects about sexuality, called Sexual Fluidity.
Why people mistake sexual fluidity with sexual orientation? Your partner is gay or lesbian because he or she felt attraction and had sex with someone of the same gender? Are they gay because they don’t show a strong libido or a high sex drive?

The truth is sexual orientation is stable and unlikely to change, and it isn’t a choice, but at some point in their lives, men or women might feel attraction for same-gender folks and even have sex with them.
These men or women identify themselves as straight or heterosexual people, but there are casual exceptions along the way where sexual and romantically responses are with someone outside of their sexual identity.

Males are discouraged from sharing their feelings or displaying any so-called feminine affectations such as tenderness or touching, which stops around the age of eight.
For that reason, if they have one thought or an erotic dream about gay sex, they will be terrified to admit it because they will be labeled as gay or bisexual. It’s frightening and confusing.

To make things even worst, usually, women are reluctant to have a relationship with a man if they discover that their man has erotic thoughts about being intimate with another man. They will leave without having a serious conversation and explore what’s going on.
Here we can see how powerful are the boxes we use every day to label people and the choices we do in our romantic lives.

While men are stigmatized for having one non-straight thought, women are fetishized for it. What should we think about it? What are we doing with our men?

Citizens and therapists community needs to be aware of this important point, erotic interests outside the label box, don’t mean you are gay lesbian or bisexual. We have to identify what is sexual orientation and erotic orientation. They are different things.

Sexual orientation, as you must know, is defined by to whom you are attracted, erotic orientation is what makes up your turns-on and erotic interests leading you to one orgasm. Erotic orientation is all about your fantasies, and in those fantasies, you can be whoever you want.

Before going further, I will leave four questions that you can use to identify your personal sexual identity:

  1. Do you have youth memories of same-sex people attraction? Did you were excited to see your naked colleagues in the locker room?
  2. Are you Homophobic? Homophobic people usually are homosexual people in the closet. They repress their feelings, and research has shown straight people don’t feel threatened by homosexual folks or their behaviors.
  3. When you go to the beach, who do you notice first? Where your eyes go?
  4. With who you see yourself waking up every morning and go home?

Drs. Alfred Kinsey, Wardell Pomeroy, and Clyde Martin developed the Heterosexual-Homosexual Rating Scale—more commonly known as “The Kinsey Scale.” First published in Sexual Behavior in the Human Male (1948), the scale accounted for research findings that showed people did not fit into exclusive heterosexual or homosexual categories.

These experiences, when well addressed, can increase the intimacy between the couple, and this reminds me, my first boyfriend. At the time, I had 23 years old, and he had 34. I can tell you he was the most attentive man I’ve ever met, but there wasn’t something quite right till one day he said he wanted to share one personal thing. He said: Alexandra, I don’t know how you will deal or process this information, but I want to be transparent with you. I want to tell you that I had sex with men in the past. It only happened twice and was with close friends.
He explained that he has only romantic and physical interests in women, but there was a curiosity about sex with men and their bodies, not to have a relationship with them.

I held his hand, and I said, let’s have dinner, and enjoy our evening.
The only question I made was how was he feeling, and his answer was I can be myself with you. We were together for two years and a half, ended not because of a lack of love but because he left the country, and wanted me to go with him. But I was studying. He got married later and had kids.

When we love someone, for real, we don’t jump in conclusions. We let our partners express themselves and let them be who they are. Listen, just because your man isn’t macho and don’t rip off your clothes doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. He may not have much experience with intimate relationships, or your libidos don’t match properly. He may have sexual fluidity, and what? Is that the end of the world?

The idea of male sexual fluidity isn’t scary or shameful.

Don’t let boxes rule your life, help your partners during their sexual struggles, and help them not only to express but find their true identity.

With love,

Alexandra

Em destaque

Why Men Lose Good Women?

© 2019 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved

In today’s article, I would like to share with you why men lose good women without even realizing it. Without being feminist, because men are beautiful human beings, the truth is most of them lose good women because they take them for granted, and the other reasons you have to read my article till the end.

Most of you that started to read me from the beginning know that I emphasize the need and responsibility to work on our relationships and even on ourselves. A healthy relationship is like tango dance, you only receive standing applause, if you work as a team, to have a good performance. Life is the stage of this performance.

The question is, why men lose good women?

The truth is, when one man loses his woman, it’s because she had lost respect for him. And here I show you the causes:

  1. He is bossy around her, but submissive around other women/men
  2. Suspicious and Protective
  3. Don’t treat her as a priority
  4. Hiding his true potential as a man
  5. Taking her love, respect and attraction for granted
  6. Empower others but often belittle her
  7. Often makes excuses when don’t contact her regularly
  8. Compare her with other people
  9. He don’t share with her important events of his life

Why good women lose respect for their men? The nine causes above make the reasons quite obvious, but the truth is, healthy women want to be cherished by their partners, they want to see passion and admiration in their eyes.

Nothing turns off more women’s desire than see their man being bossy around her, and when it comes to other people, he accepts everything they do or say. The message this man is giving to his woman is he is weak and easily manipulated by others, or at least the rules only are applied to her with whom he is intimate. The same happens when he empowers others over her, a typical situation in the middle of one argument where the subject is another woman.

One good woman loses respect for her partner and leaves because she is looking for one trait, the most important element to make her stay, called: relational self-awareness. Find or chose someone for a long term love relationship is all about having someone by your side when things hit the fan. When you are in those moments as a woman, you need a man who will sit with you shoulder-shoulder, looking together with you at the problems you face.

Help you overcome obstacles giving you emotional support, and not showing you bullshit when deep down inside his heart, he knows is wrong. When one man prioritizes others when he doesn’t share with you details of his life when he compares you with other people, he kills your passion and your desire for him.

To conclude my article,

All of us possess a love map, knowing the love map of your partner you can be intimate with her, true intimacy happens when you allow yourself to discover and understand your partner without the dubious lens of your thoughts.

If you know your woman needs your support and she even asks for it, why you keep finding excuses to pull away from her? If you help people, sometimes you barely know why you neglect her? Do you remember she even shared her body with you?

Do you have fears that she will leave you? Well, do you know acting like you don’t care you will lose her because you are feeding your brain self-prophecy?

Women need men with confidence.

Women want men to burn them with desire and proud.

One woman, a real woman, wants to be with one man who sees her and loves her for who she is.

Your woman wants to be a priority in your life.

Your woman is independent, but she still needs to know that you long for her, and you miss her.

Keep this in mind.

With love,

Alexandra

Em destaque

The Neurology Behind Breaking Up And Healthy Relationships

© 2019 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved

In today’s article, as promised, I will conclude my previous post explaining the relationships between hormones and how they help us to sustain our intimate relationships.
If you want to forge strong bonds with your partner, dopamine and oxytocin have to be present. Why? Dopamine is the hormone responsible for rewards, and oxytocin called the love hormone is responsible for bonding and fidelity.

The question is, why it’s hard for some people to sustain and have healthy relationships and for others so easy? What’s the role of cell phones and phone apps with the relationship dissatisfactions? The answer is simple when it comes to dopamine production, or other hormone-related to happiness, the truth is, partners can’t compete, against cell phone stimulation. The same rule applies to children. Sadly, parents and even the educational system aren’t structured to give to children or young people brain the necessary stimulus, that allows dopamine production.

The dopamine connection explains why smartphone addiction is on the rise generally, but why are kids more at risk than anyone else? It turns out that teen brains are special. You have probably heard that a person’s brain is not fully developed before they reach their twenties. At the stage of development that a teenager’s brain is in, it is especially responsive to dopamine. 

Because of the teen brain’s sensitivity to dopamine, they’re more likely to act impulsively and rationalize the benefits of an action while ignoring the consequence. A teen’s brain picks up on patterns faster than an adult brain, especially when there’s a positive reward associated with that pattern – like a burst of dopamine. That means that a teen can develop an addiction to something like a smartphone much more quickly, and it’s harder for them to shake that addiction later. 

But returning to intimate relationships why this fake production of dopamine leads to breakups and unhealthy relationships?

  1. They ignore you
  2. They’re distracted
  3. They’re easily bored because there is no constantly stimulation
  4. They have anxiety
  5. You feel rejected
  6. Your sex life is suffering, some people have even admitted to checking their phone while having sex with their partner.
  7. They use their cell phones as a refuge when its time to talk about serious subjects.

As you can see its the same principle behind gambling, and that’s why this addiction as many others can lead to breakups when it comes to intimate relationships.

Right now, we are living in this stupid period of existence where you go out with your partner or friends, and they are constantly checking their cell phones. We are living this mediocre period where women use their children to obtain followers on Instagram, and at the end of the line, creating little narcissist future adults. There are plenty of ways if you want to be a real influencer, one of them, or most important, is to be yourself and live your life.

You can ask me: Alexandra, you don’t use your cell phone? I do yes, but to be honest, more are the days I forgot it at home than the days I have it with me.
I take pictures, and I have social media, but I don’t prioritize it over my relationships. My partner or even my family will never say to me I’m spending too much time on my cell phone. I can recall some situations where I felt angry because of my partner’s behavior. Most people don’t realize how disrespectful it is an act of checking the phone while they are with people who love them.

To give you one idea, compulsive use of dating apps can change your focus to short-term hookups instead of developing long-term relationships. And this behavior has a direct correlation with dopamine and other hormones. People now are seeking fast validation and fast love creating poor connections.

Check this article to understand more about this:

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/cell-phone-addiction

To conclude my article, I would like to ask you to look after your behavior, but most importantly, be sure you are feeding your relationships. To those who are in long-distance relationships, it can work out even if you depend on technology to see and talk with your lover. What makes one relationship flourish is how you feed it, your investment level, and the quality times you spend with your lover.

I belong to the last generation of people who grew up without a cell phone, and in my case, it was so good and so much healthier. For that reason, we have the responsibility to teach our children and lead them to a better place. The same applies to our relationships.

Don’t fuck up your life and those who love you.

With love,

Alexandra

Em destaque

Oxytocin, Dopamine, Serotonin: The Neurology Behind Breaking Up And Healthy Relationships

© 2019 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved

In this Sunday article I invite you all to ask yourself the following questions:


1. Do you know that Dopamine, Oxytocin and Serotonin are responsible for the maintenance of your intimate relationships?

2. Did you ever found yourself sad because you had a date with someone new and that person disappeared without saying anything?

3. If you are in a long-term relationship, do you do new things with your partner, like one unsurprised date night together? One adventure between nature at the weekend? Start a new hobby alone or together?

4. If you are a parent, do your children use cell phones and other devices during family times, like dinner?

5. Did you know one of the reasons why some couples have weak emotional bonds with each other and with their child, is because of new technology?

6. How many times do you go to one restaurant, and you find out around you adult people and children using electronic devices while having their meals?

7. Do you notice that sometimes your partner is checking their cell phone while you talk and they don’t pay attention to you? How do you feel? How do you react?

8. Do you find yourself, sometimes, competing for attention from your partner with a cell phone, social media, and instant text messages?

9. One last question, do you know when you expose your children through social media and mobile devices you are killing their creativity and their social skills? More worst you, are feeding their dopamine production constantly, and that can cause damage in the future?

Now, watch the videos bellow


During the week, I will explain why I wrote this article with just nine questions and three videos. I will also explain why hormones play a huge role in our relationships and why we should avoid exposing our children to a cell phone or other electronic devices.

As human beings, as men and women, we should, and we have the power to educate or reeducate this world. It’s in our hands to allow our kids to be kids and not using them as a source of appreciation or acceptance from others in virtual settings.

When we expose ourselves and our children to electronic stimulation we remove from ourselves the power of being loved and give love. Why? Because our brain is too busy processing the constant information and has no time our space to enjoy other things.

When we expose ourselves and our children to electronic stimulation, we remove from ourselves the power of being loved and give love.

Think about that!

With Love

Alexandra

Em destaque

Men Insecurities: How Emotional Integrity Change How You Feel?

"Emotional Integrity is having our heart, mind and will unified.  When we are in our emotional integrity we can act without hesitation or doubt.  The phrase of, “my mind says one thing, but my heart says another”, may be all too common in our lives.  When this happens our will is divided and our actions hesitate with conflict of doubt in the mind and emotions. When we are acting from our Integrity, what we could call our authentic self, we don’t try. We don’t’ have a need to try. We just take action. We don’t concern ourselves with whether what we are doing is the right thing.  We also don’t have a need to justify or defend what we are doing to anybody.  This includes ourselves.  The action comes from the heart and is with love, that is how we know it is true. It also comes with humility because we are acting on behalf of love and not for ourselves or a sense of righteousness. Emotional integrity  Words don't corrupt this authenticity with chatter in the mind. There are not many men or women of integrity.  Most people second guess themselves.  When a person with emotional integrity makes a mistake, or fails in their endeavor, they don't judge themselves.  They know  they did their best and the mind does not create an internal conflict with self judgment. This mental conflict is a break from wholeness and love for one's self."
© 2019 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved

In this new weekly article, I would like to ask you to analyze and feel yourself with a different lens. If you can, let go of all the judgments and old beliefs and feel yourself. Feel in your body where are your emotions while you read my words.

Let me ask you, what is Emotional Integrity? Did you hear about it before?

Emotional Integrity comprehends you as a human being as a whole of features that allow you to act according to your values and what is right for you, no matter what people say or think. You don’t let social rules restrain your behavior, and you are willing to “kill” old beliefs to achieve personal growth.

What relation has Emotional Integrity and Men’s insecurities? When one man possesses his Emotional Integrity, he doesn’t live his relationships based on fear or in need to be accepted. A man with Emotional Integrity is a partner who can see his woman for who she is and allows her to express her needs and feelings, without taking those expressions as something personal against him.

But what we do with our men every day? We “kill” them. Why? We don’t allow them to express their feelings and who they are as one integral individual. Many men and many women before meeting one stable emotional partner, they had partners who were out of control and behaving without emotional integrity. And this leaves scars.

To be even more concrete and accurate, the new partner, who is stable, will pay the bill like it or not. It’s how things work in relationships. Relationships are also opportunities to heal wounds that we all have.

What is the typical behavior of one insecure man:

  • He’s overly sensitive to criticism
  • Self-fulfilling prophecy and this is very dangerous because the person who has insecurities let the brain lead the scene to the point, where things will happen
  • Trust Issues that lead to abandonment issues. He trust you, but don’t trust you completely
  • Suspicious of others motives, believe that people want take advantage of him
  • Comparisons to push away their partners, as protection, and defeat the possibility of being hurt hurting their partners. 
  • He held back the need to call you because he doesn’t want you to see him as needy.
  • He will be overly hard on Himself
  • He never wants to be in pictures
  • Anxiety sexual performance
  • Anxiety in general

Men fear being left after expose to their partner how they feel inside. Men fear criticism and judgment, and the truth is society rules “invite” men to be strong all the time, men have to be God’s between sheets, if not, they are probably gay. And this what leads so many men to suicide. Those fucking old fashion rules that only increase dissatisfaction and paranoia.

The real desire for closeness comes from Emotional Integrity, not from Fear when it comes from fear the relationship between the couple doesn’t evolve.

In a conscious relationship, when partners are committed to growing out from their childhood beliefs and past relationships baggage, new solutions appear.
It’s liberating the act of sharing your emotions and thoughts without judgment. When you full disclose your fears in the front of your partner and you are vulnerable something magical happens.

There is no space and exist clear boundaries for what it is a potential threat to the relationship.

Great love in relationship is present when there is no fear.

Healthy women that are living their lives based on their Emotional Integrity code want to feel safe with a man who is emotionally available, honest, trustworthy and authentic. They long for character strengths that they can admire. Healthy women need men who aren’t weak, and for that reason, don’t bend to the whims of others. When he is in his emotional integrity, he is who he is.

Healthy women don’t like drama are against drama. They understand that their man is like museum pieces that can be admire by others, but if it leads to unnecessary drama, the game is over.

When you ask something like you want to spend more time with your partner or his/her attention from your emotional integrity, you are also communicating that you know together you are stronger than when you are alone. It’s authentic.

Your emotions are what you feel, not what you are.

Example: Don’t say I’m angry, say I’m feeling angry, and after that, identify where you feel that anger and why.

If your partner is insecure, look at him or her with a lens of compassion. Insecurities always have a cause, and most of the time has nothing to do with you. Men or women with insecurity traits want to experience real love, but somewhere in their adulthood or childhood, that kind of connection wasn’t there.

Most of these people told themselves a story that love wasn’t necessary, and no one could measure up what they want when it comes to intimate relationships till one day someone appears and gives them one “electric shock”.

After reading my words ask yourself these questions:

  • How do you feel about yourself?
  • Are you doing things that can sabotage your relationship?
  • Did you tell your partner today that you love him/her today? Because instead of protecting yourself, tell them that you miss them and you want them to be close.

My partner, although he has fears, and insecurities took an airplane to meet me more than one year ago. With this simple action, he shows me he has no fear at all. He was acting through his emotional integrity, doing what was correct for him, and at least for me, for us.

Don’t let insecurities blind you, don’t let your fears kill love, and real affection.

Who loves you for real, don’t have afraid of your insecurities, or go through darkest hours.

With love,

Alexandra

Em destaque

The Danger of Phubbing: Are You Snubbing Your Relationship?

For those of you who are new to the term Phubbing, Phubbing is a dopamine slot machine that keeps you away from real relationships.
Phubbing is the act of snubbing people in favor of a phone, is a disrespectful, harmful, and a habit that can ruin relationships.

Commenting, Liking, email-checking, scrolling, notifications are fake dopamine triggers. Those dopamine triggers can create massive destructions into your intimate relationships because it enhances emotional distance between partners.

Why Phubbing can be so harmful?

We should never forget, or at least understand which love language our partner has. If your partner’s love language is quality time, be sure that soon or later, your partner will resent you for you spending so much time using your cell phone.

Electronic devices are addictive, and the addictive power belonging to these little creatures are at time just impossible to compete.

In addition to the constant scooping up of the phone and checking it, trouble can start when device usage becomes secretive. Having the cell phone locked or if one partner enters the room and the other quickly puts the phone away, it’s cause for concern.

“Affairs don’t have to be physical in nature”

What is the solution for a Phubbing situation?

  • Don’t dismiss the words of your partner as complaining or controlling
  • Put your phone away during dinner and other events
  • Identify the difference between crucial and important. Ask yourself: Do I need to check out my cell phone all the time?
  • About people who are messaging you, constantly, for nothing, ask yourself: Do they have a life?
  • Implement the “device-free days” and even “no-phone zones”
  • Take a break from social media and see what happens.

Now let me share my personal experience:

As far as I remember, I always hated cell phones, although it is a necessary evil, the way it has been used now go far beyond the acceptable lines for healthy existence.

I barely use my cell phone even now, and I don’t have the popular platform Instagram. Why? Priorities.

You might ask why she hates cell phones? Well, I discovered with sixteen years old that my “father” was having one affair with another woman because his cell phone was always receiving text messages with all kinds of promiscuous content. Because emotions are brain associations, you have an explanation for why I hate cell phones.

My personal advice to you is this:

  • When you are with your partner, put your cell phone away, use a drawer to save both cell phones, and enjoy your moments together.
  • Define a time line for activities like checking your email, facebook, messenger, etc. After that return to your normal life and to your relationship.
  • Tell people who are distracting you with bullshit, that you are with your partner, and wish them well.

Is this a hard thing to do?

The answer belongs to you. I know mine. Do you know yours?

For some fun and make you think at same time, enjoy the follow video:

with love,

Alexandra

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The Secret Ingredient to Love: Cherish Your Partner

© 2019 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved

I Cherish you!

Let me ask you this: How many times do you cherish your partner?

Everywhere we see and hear people writing and talking that we are living in a life period where everything is faster. But no one tells you how to stop and give attention to your life and relationships.

Let me give some ingredients that you can work and rock on your life and intimate relationships:

  1. Team First
    Remember that you are your partner are a team, no matter what.
  2. Be fair, Be You
    Disappointments and disillusioned will arise at some point in the relationship, be fair with your partner. Don’t play the blame game, and remember your partner’s background is different from yours.
  3. Vulnerability
    Allow yourself and your partner to be vulnerable. One of the reasons why emotional betrayal appear, it’s because the couple don’t allow each element to express their individual needs/fears.
  4. Resiliency
    If you or your partner are facing challenging moments in life, see this as an opportunity to get close and offer support. The best relationships are those built during hardships where you have emotional support from your partner, no matter what.
  5. Self-reflection
    Your self-beliefs are the inputs you introduce into your life and your relationship. When you don’t cherish your core values, you don’t see your partner as one individual. But when you live according to your core values, you allow your partner to experience their lack of congruency, taking the responsibility to recommit and correct what is necessary.
  6. Become an Alpha People
    There is a wrong idea about the meaning of being one alpha person, often associated with negative traits. Alpha people can deal well with stress and watch over their tribe at the same time. Alpha people solve problems or at least seek all kinds of solutions for them. Alpha men or women will respect their partners, cherish them, making sure they are safe and feel loved. One of the best qualities of Alpha people is, they will sacrifice their own needs if the intimate relationship needs support. Honesty, assertiveness, open to new ideas, willing to take risks are just short examples of qualities in these people.

If you try to follow with baby steps the points above, I’m sure you will start to experience substantial changes in your life and intimate relationships. The only thing I ask you is to be yourself, no matter what. With this, I mean, treat the ones you love with respect and remember you are with them for one reason.

To my partner,

Before closing this article, I would like to say it has been an incredible journey be in our intimate relationship. We have so much ahead waiting for us. Your struggles, your anxiety, and scared moments made me realize how much beautiful human being you are. You are a strong man, but you do have feelings, you feel pain, you feel anger, you do feel happiness.

You changed my life, and I love it when I see you being vulnerable with me. There is no reason anymore for you to feel alone I’m by your side with no empty promises.

“Lost is how I’m feeling lying in your arms
When the world outside’s too much to take
That all ends when I’m with you”

And because we are talking about passion, I share with you the last article of Dr Thomas Maples

With love,

Alexandra

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Comparison Trap: The Silent Pain That Tears Your Partner Apart.

© 2019 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved

In today’s article, I suggest all of us to have a reflection about the impact of comparison in our intimate relationships. If you want to see a partner disconnecting from you, comparing him or her with someone else is an easy way to erode your relationship, and the bond you have.

Let’s be honest and make things clear our intimate relationships are a stage, where we play the role of healing our wounds. But based on our insecurities and fears, instead of healing, we create more wounds and end up pushing away people that love us.

Can comparison kill your relationship and reduce intimacy? The answer is yes, and I will tell you why.

  1. Inadequacy
    Inadequacy comes along with the feeling of not being respectful and valuable enough. With this said, if you compare your partner with other people less value, you will push your partner away because no matter what he or she do or say, nothing is enough for you.
  2. Discouragement
    Discouragement is defining as your partner is losing confidence and enthusiasm to show you his or her love. Being compared negatively with others, being under a subconscious test all the time can lead your partner to seek respect and value elsewhere.
  3. It’s Toxic
    You should never compare your partner with others because it is toxic. Getting caught up in comparison blinds you to the good things your partner has and the good he or she does to your relationship. Increase the risk to start the blame game, where you lose, and your partner loses and leaves you.

The three points above lead me to the following question:

While you spend time comparing your lover, have you been taking any responsibility for yourself?

Instead of comparing, focus on what you two have. Pay attention to your bond and why you are together. It’s easy to take a relationship for granted.

Before you become pathetic — pleading, begging, literally on your knees, apologizing for everything, offering things that are distasteful to you, promising to be better, just to re-secure your partner’s affection. Or worst pretending you feel nothing, ask yourself why you are comparing your partner and testing him or her. What are your fears?

Do you ever thought that you are comparing your partner as a deactivating strategy to pull away from your partner because you fear intimacy?

Here one link for you understand the deactivating strategy process: https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/psychology/deactivating-strategy

Personally, comparisons will drive me away because when they start to evolve, two things happen: 

  1. It gives me the message that my partner doesn’t see who I am
  2. He is scared and doesn’t trust me enough to share his fears and feelings

Love yourself!

Love your partner!

Stop sabotage your life!

Don’t fuck up your relationship!

With love,

Alexandra

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Intimacy: The Ingredient to Flourish Your Relationship

Our souls crave intimacy – Erwin McManus 

We all try to find the true definition of intimacy, but can it be found between words? Intimacy happens at the psychological level, the sense of belonging, the feeling of being alive, content and ecstatic.

And this leads me to this point we can’t ignore the importance of physical intimacy, but emotional intimacy is the prerequisite to nurture the relationship and make it bloom.

We feel close to our partner when we share desires, feelings, dreams, aspirations, and secrets. By the process, we become vulnerable.

So be thankful to God if your partner can express their feelings with you.

Physical intimacy is a potent and common way to show love, but I’m not talking about sex or making out. With physical intimacy, you let your loved one know that they have a special place in your heart. Romantic massage, back rub, holding hands, cozy hugs are also physical intimacy.

Did you ever hear about intellectual intimacy? Intellectual intimacy allows partners to share their thoughts, ideas freely, no matter if opinions differ. There is no fear of consequences. Views can be express and argue freely. There is no reason to fear of being judged by your partner communication is easy.

Self emotional regulated partners tend to be more in contact with their emotions and less prone to create drama in vain. They are in tune with their intuition.

For centuries, women were called witches and burned at the stake for possessing these so-called supernatural powers. It couldn’t be natural to be able to predict what others would do, spot liars, and uncover the truth.

The ability to decode nonverbal cues is ultimately valuable and essential for effective communication. Intuition is a gift, so if your woman seems to be persistent about something, ask her what’s going on. Listen with attention, because be in tune is part of intimacy.

In the book, Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps, one experiment was created to prove women’s ability to read body language and other signs.

Women were asked to watch a video of crying babies but with no sound, only visual cues. Most of the women could detect a wide range of emotions when only 10 percent of men could identify more than two emotions.

If you don’t trust someone, go with that feeling. You can save your relationship, your company, and your life from disaster.

More than ever, women need to know that their ability to pick up low-level cues is historically developed.

Men need to understand when their partner needs to talk about something, that isn’t right, they should be less defensive and more open to the feedback. How many times you think your partner is feeling jealous or is somehow over-reactive/dramatic, only to find out later she was right?

Intimacy is the ability to hear and feel your partner.

With love,

Alexandra

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Social Media and Relationships: Do You Wanna Be Part of This Game?

Being addicted to social media needs to stop. (Image via Pinterest)

I would love to share with you this video about social media and relationships, and let’s think about what we are doing with our romantic lives. I believe we can find love using the internet, but also I believe love requires work, loyalty, and honesty.

Have you found love, sex, or intimacy online? Millions of us have—and we are constantly building and maintaining connections with friends, relationship partners, and lovers through the intricate paths of the world wide web. But how is this all affecting romantic relationships? And what rules should we have with our partners about online behaviors? A developmental psychologist, Dr. Michelle Drouin studies the effects of technology on literacy, communication, and relationships. She also studies the roles of technology in teaching and learning. Dr. Drouin’s research on sexting and mobile phone addiction has attracted international attention, and she regularly does interviews for television, radio, newspapers, and magazines. Her research has been cited in a number of prominent news sources including CNN, NPR, MSNBC, CBS News, The New York Times, Huffington Post, Reuters, Men’s Health, Parenting Magazine, and Psychology Today.

With love,

Alexandra

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Resilience, The Skin That Covers my Name

© 2019 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved

“Eat a live frog first in the morning, and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day” – Mark

The noun resilience stems from the Latin resilient “to rebound, recoil.” Its well know for a set of features that allow us to recover from trauma or tragedy, threats or other significant sources of stress.

You bend, but you don’t break.

Traits of resilient people:

  1. Protect their soul
  2. They control their destiny
  3. Commitment
  4. Close, secure attachment to others
  5. Self-efficacy
  6. Strengthening effect of stress
  7. Patience
  8. Faith
  9. Realistic sense of control
  10. Under pressure, focus and think clearly
  11. Prefer to take the lead in problem-solving
  12. Make unpopular or difficult decisions
  13. Strong sense of purpose
  14. When things look hopeless, never give up
  15. Like challenges
  16. Good communication skills
  17. Back bone of the family
  18. Can handle unpleasant feelings
  19. Protect those they love

Everything in life is about balance, you can’t enjoy the daylight, without understanding the darkest nights. Developing resilience is a very personal process, and for me it was a journey of gaining perspective, self-awareness, and problem-solving skills. Stepping out from the flames, molded by the heat and the challenges I had to face.

Be resilient means you embrace hardships as a cause, and you endorse your standards until the end of your life as a flag. It means for me also I was and still be the backbone of my family, helping to keep everything upright and moving forward. Was it easy? Not really, but someone had to do that work. Living is a marathon, not a sprint, and for that matter of fact, I was always careful when it comes to chose people to share this journey with me. I have lost people I love, I have lost emotional memories, but never allowed anyone to take my dignity away.

Since the moment I am aware of my emotions, I can tell you, sometimes, it can be a lonely journey where you have to stand for yourself, and for the ones you love. I learned that love is an art. You can be a good painter, but without a good canvas, you don’t impress. The same happens in life and intimate relationships if we hold back affection, we lose our inner power, and we don’t show up.

Resiliency is rooted in self-awareness. The ability to cope with and overcome difficulties and tragedies of life understanding we own our emotions and capabilities well I’m the architect of my life and existence, when I feel so anxious, I know that even making bad choices I have the strength and tenacity to pursue a better path.

Adversity came into my life to guide me to my true destiny, and yes, it invokes pain, suffering, and disappointments. And yes, pain can be caused by our actions, including our inability to achieve the desired aspiration. However, despite our darkest moments, we must stay connected to our core intention.

Resiliency’s about reaching out to our highest potential by taking risks consistent with ethos and purpose. I’ve been there, standing on an uncomfortable ledge.

An authentic journey does not always come from blasting through rocks and impediments, rather from having faith and adaptability to cope with harsh realities of life.

I learned it’s important to avoid people who bring us down, waste our time, take us backward, and have no interest in our suffering. The people we surround ourselves with make the difference between failure and success. Don’t think twice about cutting out from your life toxic people because they will never see your value.

Resilient people are identified as complicated individuals because we think out of the box because we analyze every option, every strategy. But, news flash, all we want and crave is a better world with more justice and a sacred place where we call home, our sweet home.

The experience of writing about my emotions is what helped me to succeed never forget my value, and the value of life.

To all my readers, I wish you a wonderful week.

With love,

Alexandra

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What Attachment Style Has To Say About The Way You Have Sex?

© 2019 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved

Sexual satisfaction for both the anxiously attached and the avoidant is constricted; the anxious partner is preoccupied with being loved, and the avoidant partner is determined to stay detached….The most satisfying and orgasmic sex, what I call ‘synchrony sex,‘ occurs when partners are securely attached.

A secure bond is characterized by emotional openness and responsiveness in the bedroom as well as out. That leads to better communication and engaged, focused attention, which in turn leads to greater arousal, pleasure, and satisfaction….Think about it. If you trust that your partner is there for you, then you can relax and let go without fear of embarrassment or rejection. Safety fosters a willingness to experiment, take risks, and be fully immersed in the sexual encounter. Sex becomes more spontaneous, passionate, and joyful.”

One of the reasons we pair up is to have a safe zone that protects us and gives us peace to relax. In today’s article, I will write about how attachment styles impact our sex lives and what we can do about it. Knowing your attachment style can change the dynamic of your relationship and even with yourself. So don’t blame yourself, instead learn and improve.

Adult attachment style refers to individual personality traits that strongly influence emotional bonds and reactions to social partners. Behavioral research has shown that adult attachment style reflects profound differences in sensitivity to social signals of support or conflict.

As I wrote in this article, attachment style can be divided in three categories:

  1. Secure
  2. Anxious
  3. Avoidant: Avoidant Dismissive and Avoidant Fearful

Anxious and Avoidant people constitute 45 percent of the dating scene, so it’s common you end up having an intimate relationship with these people. Is it a good or bad thing? It depends on the circumstances, how much aware are you of your emotions, and at least if they’re willing to work on their attachment style and become secure.

Traits of avoidant attachment style in relationships:

  1. Uncomfortable sharing feelings
  2. Can have social anxiety
  3. Charming during the early stages of relationship
  4. Being extremely flirtatious and overtly charming with others
  5. Flirting with others as a means of introducing insecurity into the relationship
  6. Pulling away when things go well
  7. Being absent-minded or daydreaming when with partner
  8. Keeping secrets
  9. Avoiding physical closeness
  10. Withholding, avoiding and rejecting sex with their partner, use masturbation as escape of intimacy.
  11. Wants partner when apart but craves distance when together
  12. Minimizes closeness and partner feelings
  13. Sabotages emotional intimacy and connection
  14. Your partner may complain that you don’t seem to need him or her or that you’re not open enough
  15. You may become anxious because the possibility of closeness no longer threatens you
  16. Strong focus on themselves

Dr. John Sakaluk describes that avoidant individuals see their sexual partners as more threatening and therefore have a strong preference for practicing safe sex using condoms, while anxiously attached people use condoms less frequently. I can agree with it and disagree at the same time. Since the moment we are living in a period where people have sex with multiple partners and even casual sex, so sex with protection more than seeing a partner as a threat is healthy and required measure for your protection.

Traits of anxious attachment style in relationships:

  1. Low self-esteem
  2. They may hope their partner will “rescue” or “complete” them
  3. They may have trouble trusting their partner’s words, warmth, and affection
  4. Acting out emotionally
  5. When needs aren’t meet they will find it elsewhere and with another person
  6. Call or text frequently, even asked not to
  7. Not returning calls
  8. Hypervigilance and hypersensitivity to possible rejection
  9. Playing games
  10. Anxious people are also more anxious in the bedroom with their sexual partners.

For example, a man may be more or less secure, get married to one woman who has anxious attachment style, bring her up to a more secure level, but when they run into money trouble she falls back to her anxious level, cheats on him and then divorces him for all of his money, sending him into a tailspin of avoidance. He goes on to ignore intimacy and pump-and-dump women for the next 10 years, afraid to become intimate with any of them.

Both anxious and avoidant individuals crave intimacy and close relationships, but often feel trapped into one spiral of not being enough and a deep fear of being rejected. The fear of being rejected leads them to flirt and cheat on their partners. These erode actions will feed their inner voice that their partner never loved them, and so will leave.

For secure people, dating one avoidant or anxious partner can be extremely exhausting and bring them into one insecurity mode if they aren’t careful.

Traits of secure attachment style in relationships:

  1. Warmth and loving
  2. Able to be intimate
  3. Don’t play games
  4. Consistency
  5. Assertively share their thoughts
  6. Transparent and available
  7. Capable to develop deep levels of intimacy
  8. Respond well to bids of connection
  9. Attentive to their partner’s needs
  10. Capacity to accept rejection and moving on despite the pain
  11. Being loyal and able to sacrifice when necessary
  12. Able to correctly prioritize their relationships within their life
  13. Sex is part of intimacy, the more the better

If you recognize in your partner traits of avoidant or anxious type, don’t blame them and in a calm way explain how their actions make you feel.

If your partner is avoidant:

  1. Don’t chase them
  2. Don’t take things personally when they push you away
  3. Remember that he or she is acting based on deep abandonment fears
  4. Help to name their feelings, name to tame it
  5. When they withhold, reject or avoid sex with you, address the issue within the relationship, and ask if he or she would be more willing to making out instead of intercourse.
  6. Let him or her know what are your boundaries

If your partner is anxious:

  1. Reassure him or her about your love
  2. Give your undivided attention
  3. Help your partner to become more secure just talking about feelings
  4. Hug and allow physical closeness
  5. Create space and time to develop intimacy
  6. Learn her or his language of love

With this article I’m not saying you should tolerate toxic or abusive relationships, what I’m saying is instead of leaving existing relationships and not addressing your attachment issue and recreate a very similar situation with the next partner, address the disconnection you create through often unconscious ways of thinking and behaving.

Sex is a life pleasure that we share with someone we love.

The more we know about each other, the more we can connect.

From personal experience, if you are a secure partner you can get along with one avoidant or anxious partner, helping them to heal their internal wounds, showing that love is safe and not, a threat. Teaching that sex is a vital part of one relationship, part of attraction and love towards another person.

To finalize I would like to advice there will be ups and downs, move forward and backward, but in the end, you will have a reward. You are your partner will experience real love.

If you can’t deal with the situation, it has nothing to do with you. You tried to give your love to someone who is guarded to love, be proud of it.

Love and sex together has the power to change your life and make you feel happier.

Want to improve your sex life? Try this:

  1. Educate yourself
  2. Give yourself time
  3. Use lubrification
  4. Maintain physical affection
  5. Practice touching
  6. Try different positions
  7. Write down your fantasies
  8. Do kegel exercises
  9. Try to relax by doing something together before having sex
  10. Use a vibrator
  11. Don’t give up

Take a look at these links for more information:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/experimentations/201711/how-attachment-style-affects-sexual-desire-and-satisfaction

http://repositorio.ispa.pt/handle/10400.12/3397

https://www.psypost.org/2019/02/attachment-anxiety-linked-to-a-steep-decline-in-mens-sexual-desire-during-the-honeymoon-phase-53138

https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/ejsp.2567

Don’t fuck up your relationship 😉

With love,

Alexandra Santos

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Bubble Couple For a Successful Relationship

© 2019 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved

The difference between a healthy and toxic relationship is how partners intentionally choose to work with each other’s triggers and vulnerabilities, and this is the motto of this article.

Anytime a committed couple faces a crisis, whether from inside or outside the relationship, they move automatically toward strengthening their bond. They expect that there will always be threats to their connection, and that love can always weaken under continued onslaughts. These are the times when they make their relationship their highest priority and find reasons to be grateful for what they have.

When outside influences undermine their faith in the relationship, they talk openly about those vulnerabilities. Their honest and intimate capability to communicate allows them to talk about virtual outcomes without their having to live through them, and to revitalize their relationship if the threats take hold.

We crave successful and healthy romantic relationships, or at least that’s the thing we consciously need and want. In this particular article, I will share with you one story, because more than psychological terms, we need real events to understand how we can damage our relationships if we aren’t careful.

A few days ago a man, whom I know, texted me on Facebook messenger because I posted a picture of my partner wearing the Sporting Lisbon Club shirt. Not really surprisingly, the conversation went to one sphere that most of you, perhaps, had faced before.
Seemingly harmless conversations to understand how strong the bond with your partner is, and if there is any chance to erode.

Conversation:

Man: Sporting shirt?!

Me: Yes, a Lion is a Lion.

Man: I thought you had found a good man, but it doesn’t seem that. In bed, he should be a lion and protect you, outside better find another club.

Me: He is a lion inside and outside the bed, Portuguese men don’t satisfy me, and are intellectual repulsive for that reason my actual partner is a foreigner.

Man: I’m sure he is a lion, and glad he is! You deserve the best Alexandra I was trying to make a joke about the club.

I believe someone insecure or unhappy with the relationship would take the sex thing and lead this conversation into flirting terms, and what more, only “god” knows.
Days before this episode, my partner faced something similar where it was shown to him a conversation between girls talking about how cute he is but unfortunately has a girlfriend. At least, I have to thank my partner for his honesty and share with me the situation.

In Emotional Intelligence terms, we can identify the following questions:

  1. What is the propose of sharing “bullshit” and trying conversations with sexual connotations, knowing you are in one relationship?
  2. How do they deal with emotional pressure and demands in one relationship?
  3. Are these people aware of the implications and consequences of their “inoffensive” acts towards other’s relationships?
  4. Do they have the ability to use other’s shoes and feel what they might feel?
  5. In this “fucking” social media fake era, is everything allowed?
  6. Can we trust these people?
  7. What is the real meaning of friendship?
  8. How should the couple react? What strategies should be applied?

Let’s be clear those situations have a subtle touch of naughtiness and debauchery. It’s like throwing clay at the wall to see if there are vulnerabilities between the couple, erode trust and in the future replace partner emotional support.

Wyndol Furman, Ph.D. is clear: “don’t commit to a relationship unless you and your partner had experienced a difficult time and has found in each other, helpful support.”

Being in a relationship is using insight about each other’s vulnerabilities, and insecurities as a way to protect us in private and public places.

One of the reasons we pair up is to have a safe zone that protects us and gives us peace to relax. Sadly, partners in a committed relationship often fail to see each other as allies against the attacker’s life throws at them; work, stress, or intruders trying to seduce them. The truth is holding off committing to your partner to protect yourself only blocks yourself. The relationship is a synonym of Interdependence not of Independence.

True security in a relationship requires interdependence.

Interdependence is the ability to depend on your partner while also being able to stand on your own feet. To take the responsibility for your part of the relationship.

Emotionally unavailable people don’t like hearing what their partner thinks about or feels if it’s not what they want to hear.

To love isn’t only want, is understand.

In attachment world, we evaluate how well partners offer each other a safe haven – a place of emotional and physical refuge – when one of them is hurt, and a secure base from which they can go explore the world with curiosity knowing that they have a person who is cheering them on and will be there if needed.

Making time to give and ask for support is a key way in which you can show your partner that you care for them, understand what they’re going through, and have their back. How we provide that support and what we say is crucial. 

Not keeping secrets is a vulnerable place, but it is the only place that allows you to invest in the relationship and get the returns you deeply need.

To conclude,

We can’t underestimate the importance of one stable social circle beyond your intimate relationship, but a real friendship never adopts behaviors that can threaten your relationship. A real friend will ask how is your partner, will be happy because you are happy. Will respect you and never tease you with images or conversations that, deep inside, they know it’s wrong to share or have.

Respect.

A relationship between committed partners is like The Three Musketeers. The symbolic triangle of long-lasting love is made up of each individual partner and the synergistic creation you think of as the relationship between them. That means that each part of the triad supports the other two.

This devotion is neither blind nor automatic. The partners in an honest, up-to-date relationship know that either voice is a representative of the other and each partner strives to speak accurately and authentically for what the other wants and needs. When either partner or the relationship, itself, is threatened in any way, the unit becomes stronger.

These couples grow closer when their relationship is challenged by outside influences. They trust each other’s truths first and are not led astray by other’s negative stories. Their intention is to become more as one, to create a union grown stronger by loyalty and support. That means that any outside influences that pull one partner away from the other are challenged by both. 

Do you know the song I’ll stand by you, from The Pretenders?

Oh, why you look so sad, the tears are in your eyes,
Come on and come to me now, and don’t be ashamed to cry,
Let me see you through, ‘cause I’ve seen the dark side too.
When the night falls on you, you don’t know what to do,
Nothing you confess could make me love you less

It represents what love and a relationship should be, your HOME!

With almost 35 years old I would have so much to say, but with this article, I want to wish you well, and please don’t engage in things that you will regret later and hurt others.

“People may know what a healthy romantic relationship looks like, but most don’t know how to get one. Psychologist and researcher Joanne Davila describes how you can create the things that lead to healthy relationships and reduce the things that lead to unhealthy ones using three evidence-based skills – insight, mutuality, and emotion regulation. Share this with everyone who wants to have a healthy relationship.”


With love,

Alexandra Santos

Em destaque

The Morality of Transsexuality: Who Are You, The Endless Internal Conflict?

For today’s article, I decided to write about gender dysphoria or, at least, make it simple to understand what is the real root of this pathology. It seems to me, as human beings, we tend to complicate what is simple to understand by engaging in non-stop arguments that add nothing to the real issue.

To start, let’s take a close look at the definition of transsexuality, Gender dysphoria: “Formerly known as gender identity disorder in the fourth version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM is defined by strong, persistent feelings of identification with another gender and discomfort with one’s own assigned gender and sex; in order to qualify for a diagnosis of gender dysphoria, these feelings must cause significant distress or impairment.”

Now, you may ask, why I crossed out the word transsexuality?

What means the word trans? A prefix with origin from latin, with the meanings of “across”, “beyond”, through, in combination with elements of any origin.

Now, let’s look with attention the word transsexuality, does it mean something beyond sexual or something that transcends sexuality? Because if we add trans with sexuality, it is what it means. So if you are following my reasoning, we are talking about UFO.

There aren’t transexual or transgender people, either non-binary or whatever you want to call. You have women and men, yes WOMEN and MEN, that because of hormonal mutation during pregnancy, their brain morphology is one gender but their genitalia, will be another one.
Later, with the age of 2 – 4, they will start to experience discomfort and reject their bodies.

The image explains that Transgender women have the same brain structures as cisgender women. Two sexually dimorphic (differing between men and women) areas of the brain are often compared between men and women. The bed nucleus of the stria terminals (BSTc) and sexually dimorphic nucleus of transgender women are similar to those of cisgender women, suggesting that the general brain structure of these women is in keeping with their gender identity.

Recently, in Portugal, we are facing a new drama when the government decided to implement at schools a bathroom for kids and teenagers with gender dysphoria. As you must believe, many are the voices that disagree with the measure, and I don’t agree too. I don’t agree with it because of what we are doing is a perpetuation of this problem. We are not telling people the truth about gender dysphoria or even educating our society. We create with these measures more discomfort, as we feed more discrimination, and allow people to die.

Today I saw one article about Chloe Anderson, a volleyball player, on the Olympic Channel Facebook page, and there were so much anger and discrimination in the commentaries. As a future mother, if someone would call my son or daughter a freak or transexual, I would cut their heads. There is no reason for this disrespect, actually, with all the information we have, we should be more aware, and help.

We have the moral duty to help and protect these people, as a society, as parents or future parents the duty to create a safe environment, where our children and future adults can grow up, have a healthy life emotionally and psychically.

As professional educator I’m against discrimination and all these new definitions that LGBT’S and organs use to categorize people. It’s ridiculous.

We are killing people everyday!

Henry James said: “Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind.

Pediatric endocrinologist Dr. Mark Daniels explains how to identify and understand gender dysphoria (formerly called gender disorder) in children and teens.

With love,

Alexandra

Links that you might like:

https://www.the-scientist.com/features/sex-differences-in-the-brain-34758

https://www.the-scientist.com/features/are-the-brains-of-transgender-people-different-from-those-of-cisgender-people-30027

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Body Worship and The Harmful Effects Of Testosterone Usage

Recently, we were confronted in Portugal with one mediatic case of abuse and non-prescription usage of testosterone, for aesthetic purposes.
As we all should know, hormones are responsible for our physical and emotional well being. For that reason, after 35 years old it’s important to check out the values of our principal hormones, and in some cases, if needed, subscribe hormonal therapy as a solution to restore our health. But only one doctor can decide that.

Recently studies have shown our endocrine system starts his aging process around the 27 age, and the tendency will be towards earlier due to the modern lifestyle, food preferences, abuse of alcohol, and recreative drugs.

The need for the perfect body and symmetry leads many men and women to one path that often has no return, and with irreversible health implications.

Actor’s Angelo Rodrigues’ urgent hospitalization due to the continued use of testosterone to gain muscle mass only demonstrated the reality behind the scenes in gyms, but also the obsession with being a Greek God.

Testosterone is the main male sex hormone. It is responsible for male sexuality and is the main hormone-producing the features associated with masculinity such as substantial muscle mass, facial hair, libido, and sperm production. Besides, the hormone has other vital functions as the basic chemical composition of testosterone is steroidal; and steroids are known to have significant physiological, as well as psychological, effects in male individuals, especially adults. Testosterone production is reduced gradually in men starting from the age of 30. Men may experience a number of physiological and psychological events, such as a lack of sex-drive, erectile dysfunction, acute depression, fatigue, low energy levels, and insomnia. At the age of 50, for men, there will be a reduction of 30% of testosterone levels.

What are the harmful effects of testosterone usage?

  • Hair loss;
  • Heart and kidney disease;
  • High blood pressure;
  • Gynecomastia;
  • Risk of viral or bacterial infections;
  • Azoospermia;
  • Alterations in Cholesterol and other blood lipids;
  • Altered mood, irritability, increased aggression.

The use of steroids can be addictive as botox usage, so be aware of what you are doing with your life and health because to love, or to have a partner you don’t need a perfect body, you need to be healthy. Physically and emotionally.

If you notice it’s hard for you to grow your muscles or if you can identify some of the symptoms of having low testosterone levels (hot flashes, decrease in energy levels, increase in body fat, lowered sex drive, difficulty sleeping) seek for professional help with a endocrinologist, not your personal trainer.

Remember to live a real life, not a magazine life.

With love,

Alexandra

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Don’t Let MRHK “MURDER” The Woman You Are

© 2019 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved.

“Mayer-Rokitansky-Küster-Hauser syndrome (MRKH) is a devastating diagnosis for a young woman to receive, carrying with considerable medical, psychological, social, and reproductive implications. The syndrome is characterized by vaginal agenesis and typically is accompanied by cervical and uterine agenesis. Several variants exist, with 7% to 10% of patients exhibiting either an obstructed uterus or obstructed rudimentary uterine horns with functional endometrium”

For today’s article, I want to ask do you know what is MRKH, or in other words, Mayer-Rokitansky-Kuster-Hauser syndrome? I believe many of you never heard this name or even know about this condition that affects 1 in 5000 women.
A few weeks ago I saw in Portuguese television one interview with two women who suffered from this syndrome. Did I like what I saw? No! The reason why you may wonder. The reason is simple because I don’t understand why television uses these circumstances to victimize people and even play a big drama around.

Media or social communication plays an important role when the subject is to educate society but fails roundly in this aspect by using serious and sensitive themes that involve health issues to gain audiences.

Unfortunately, the Rokitansky syndrome seen as something terrible can lead some women to suicide. Twenty years ago or more, the medical community didn’t have the information and the sensibility necessary to deal with this condition.
With no filters or conscience, some doctors would say to these women they would never become a mother or have a successful romantic life. You may see the impact this information would have on the self-esteem and dreams of these women.
In our days, and we are in the twenty-one century, we can see some progression, but these women still have a lack of support or voice.

To explain Rokitansky syndrome, it has two types. The type one only affects the reproductive system, vagina channel length, an undeveloped uterus, but still, have functional ovaries.
Type two is considered the most severe, patients experience abnormalities in other parts of the body like the kidneys may be abnormally formed or positioned, hearing loss or heart disease.

The lack of information and support over the years led many teenagers to depression, suicide, and even the feeling of unworthy to love and have a healthy life. With this being said the real issue his how society deal and cope with “abnormal” diseases because of despite the fact of existent literature, you can’t find much information about how to become a mother if you have Rokitansky syndrome. And yes, this is a real problem.

Despite your syndrome, you can be a mother and have relationships. Fortunately, science offers us many options to have a biological baby, like IFV treatments, and let me tell you stupid is the man who doesn’t want to be with you because you had a problem that was out of your hands to control.

I’m sorry, Rokitansky doesn’t define you as a woman. You are so much more than a name or a health issue.

What people don’t realize and should, is these kinds of diseases, which are treatable, give a psychological and resilience background to these women that only a few have or even will understand. We become human beings when we face majors problems and situations to test our limits.

Don’t accept being treated like a poor thing.

Treat yourself with respect and see all this situation as something that gives you power, the power to live your life with no chains or objections.

UQ Institute for Molecular Bioscience researchers, The University of Queensland, Australia, are working to identify the genetic links associated with developing MRKH.

Like I said in prior articles, we should educate our society.

Where is the point in Tv Show ask intimate questions? Does it help anyone? If people understood how the human brain works, they would see that what you focus, increase. For this reason, television can be dangerous and give the wrong information.

To help yourself and help people in this situation seek professional advice and be sure you have emotional support and stable foundations at home. Remember, you are beautiful and a warrior.

Some links you might like to read about MRKH:

https://ojrd.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/1750-1172-2-13

https://www.hindawi.com/journals/isrn/2013/628717/

https://www.beautifulyoumrkh.org

With love,

Alexandra

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Share Your Deep Feelings Before it’s Too Late.

In today’s article I would love to share with you a Portuguese Valentine’s day video made a long time ago. It talks about the importance of letting people know how much we love and care about them, before it’s too late.

The following text is the video translation:

Só de mim is a story about someone who had everything, but only knew when it was too late.

You don’t know who I am, but I know who you are… and I just need a minute of your attention.

I want to tell you that I hope you know how lucky you are. How much I would like to be in your shoes. To be able to be in the same bed as her every morning. To help her waking up from the bad mood.

I hope you know she’s only going to talk with you after she brushes her teeth. It’s not on purpose… she’s just afraid of losing her charm in your eyes. Afraid that you’ll consider her a common human being.

I hope you know that she likes to enjoy every sunbeam, and that coffee makes her sick.

That she chooses what she’s going to wear on the night before, just to have five more minutes of sleep in the morning. That the alarm clock rings fifty times until she gets up, and that, even so, she manages to arrive on time.

I also want you to know that she loves fantastic tales, but not Horror stories! That she might know all the names of an old book’s characters, but that she isn’t going to try hard to immediately know all your friends’ names…

Because she… she owns herself.

She’s not the one who is lucky to have you. You are the lucky one, to have her in your life. You know…

She’s not a romantic by nature, but a spontaneous gesture from you will make her weaken.

Because she’s safe and sweet at the same time.

She can’t cook, but she’ll try hard to prepare your favourite dish. And if it doesn’t come out right, she’ll laugh at her failure, instead of blushing.

And when she laughs… it makes me want to cry. Not in sadness, but because each laugh is like a musical note that touches my heart and makes me want to dance.

I hope that you stop doing what you like to do, and that sometimes you have time to hear her talk about her day and every single achievement. That you put up with her artistic daydreams and the time she wastes colouring children’s books when she wants some time for herself.

I want you to know that I would love to be on that side, putting up with her bad mood and seeing it change after the first glass of wine. I wanted to be able to admire her nails that most of the times have peeling nail polish than perfect nail polish… but that every imperfect red shape has a story that she built with her own hands.

I wish I had fallen in love with her on the first day I saw her, and not on the second one. Because each day with her is to be sure that you are loved. Because she’s seduction and joy altogether. Because she gets what she wants with the power of her smile and the strength of her look. I’d be a fool if I didn’t know she has brown eyes and that she loves the colour green. I want you to know that she’s all I want and never knew I had.

Learn that the arrhythmia you feel with her is normal! And that the lack of it is like an emptiness worse than death.

I hope you’ll be everything I never was.

I hope you treat her right.

Because if you break her heart you’ll lose her forever.

I wish I could have read the future…

Text: Ana Luisa Bairos, Joana Pacheco
Actor: Diogo Lopes

And you? Will you read the future or live the present and built a future with who you love?

With love,

p.s: A big Thanks and Welcome to my new readers and followers.

Alexandra

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Betrayal: The Psychological Anxiety Effects, Behind The Scenes

“Betrayal delivers a unique, emotionally violent blow to the body, heart and mind.  An unthinkable blow that can only come from someone with whom we share deep bonds. Trauma happens when we can no longer bear reality.  It signals to the brain that our life is under threat. The life being threatened when we are betrayed is the life of the soul.” – Sandra Lee Dennis, PhD

In today’s article will bring up to the table the word that we all fear, but in some way we have had experienced in our lives: Betrayal.
As heavy as it can be if you search all over the web, you can find all the information about Betrayal but are very rare the scientific articles that provide substantial information about the impact, and consequences of this dysfunctional behavior. It’s urgent to talk about openly to our community about this issue, and even provide the right tools to help our loved ones to overcome the situation.

We are taught that to be truly happy we need to learn how to trust. And, sometimes, reluctantly, we let down our guard in hopes that we finally can trust. To an intimate relationship develops organically, we need to delegate our trust in another, in our partners. We have to make ourselves vulnerable. We have to believe this person accepts us unconditionally and is devoted to us in good and bad times. To be more specific, and help you understand the power of bond attachment, the presence of our intimate partner affects blood pressure and stress hormones, positively. With this said, and besides the fact that betrayal is the disrespect for core human needs and desire when you experience it, you experience death. Literally!

One of the consequences of betrayal is the development of PTSD (Post-traumatic Stress Disorder), symptoms:

  • Flashbacks, or reliving the traumatic event or feeling like is happening in the present moment
  • Increased heart rate
  • release of adrenaline
  • shaking, sweating
  • Trouble sleeping
  • Angry outbursts
  • Feeling panic, fear or worry
  • Being on alert for signs of the trauma occurring again
  • Being triggered by things that remind you of the traumatic event
  • Anxiety.
© 2019 Patrick Hancock.  All rights reserved.

Eighty percent of suicides, in Australia, are committed by men, and we should be aware this happens because men are less inclined to communicate feelings about adverse life events. 

The principal causes for suicide among Aussie men population are:

  • relationship breakdown after infidelity episodes (“Kolves, Ide and De Leo (2011) studied the suicidal behavior of men who had experienced the breakdown of a marriage or de facto relationship and showed that both trait shame (pervasive, long-term feelings) and state shame (feelings related to an event) predicted suicidal behavior.”
  • Unhelpful conceptions of masculinity
  • Abuse of alcohol and other substances

The numbers are scary but seem most of us still don’t care and even continue doing the same or even worse. As we must recognize when faced with a threatening situation, our thalamus, which receives incoming stimuli, send signals to both the amygdala and the cortex. If your amygdala senses danger begins the fight-or-flight response before the cortex has time to overrule it. With the amygdala triggered occur an intense unconscious emotional response that shuts off the cortex, making it hard you to think and concentrate. This process is called the amygdala hijack.

Betrayal can happen in many forms, like:

  • Disrespecting or criticizing your partner in front of other people
  • Having one emotional affair
  • Micro-cheating (Micro-cheating is a series of seemingly small actions that indicate a person is emotionally or physically focused on someone outside their relationship, be aware that you might be engaging in micro-cheating if you share private jokes or specific emojis, if you downplay the seriousness of your relationship to another guy or girl. Having private conversations or online chats and quickly shuts down when your partner enters the room. Consistently texting someone without your partner knowing. The problem with micro-cheating is that most people don’t even realize they’re doing it. – Melanie Schilling, PhD)
  • Divulging private information about your partner without their consent
  • Prioritizing work, a hobby or another passion above your relationship
  • Complaining about your partner and the relationship to someone you’re attracted to
  • Dealing with deceitful people in business matters
  • Being around with friends who have had affairs can lead you to have one affair
  • Have a parent who betrayed and acted like nothing happen, living the happy life after is another serious form of betrayal

Remember, because someone betrayed in the past doesn’t mean it will happen again. Most importantly, if you are in a new relationship, please share with your partner how you feel and what contributes to your amygdala hijack don’t feel shame, be upfront. He or she might not understand in the beginning and might even be quite defensive, but these steps can help both of you to set up new rules and what is appropriate:

  • Name your emotions as you experience them
  • Write what triggered your emotions? A particular person or situation?
  • What emotions did you feel?
  • What were you thinking at the time?
  • How realistic were those thoughts? Were they realistic given the situation?
  • Was there another way to view the situation?
  • What would you like your partner to do to make you feel safe?
  • Take a timeout
  • Deep breath from your abdomen
  • Remember, you aren’t a victim, and you deserve happiness.

After write all the things you want and feel, give it to your partner and let him or her read and think about.

For partners of people betrayed in the past, this is my advice:

Don’t take personally the angry outbursts that your loved one might feel and express towards you. Listen with attention to the information and feelings they might share with you, part of the healing process is the capacity to be vulnerable and trust again.
If there is a situation or someone, in particular, that is triggering the fight-or-flight responses in your partner have compassion.

See how you contribute to the situation and take the right actions to preserve the integrity of your relationship and the well being of your lover. Avoid saying your partner is crazy or seeing things. Don’t withdraw from your partner because they are in real pain, be together as a team.

Unfortunately, the way he or she might feel isn’t about jealousy, envy manipulation or control. It is the survival mode in action and giving directions to build protection against the threatening situation.

After all, I think it’s time for us to wake up and start to face the mistakes we do almost every day. How we neglect our relationships and the ones we love. It doesn’t matter, if you are close or apart geographically, what matters is how you preserve your integrity and the integrity of your relationship.

Love means protection, and your relationship should be a heaven bubble where both feel safe and at home.

I end my article, with an attention call, especially for the professional health community to be aware of the devastating impact of the loss of the loved ones. Don’t let typical ideas, and stereotypes, blind you from reality, use your health skills to help and save lives.

Teach people to love and how to maintain healthy relationships. We are human beings, not isolated Islands.

Micro- Cheating: https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/relationships/news/a47645/what-is-micro-cheating/

The Impact of Betrayal Trauma on the Tendency to trust: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/274867322_The_Impact_of_Betrayal_Trauma_on_the_Tendency_to_Trust

With love,

Alexandra

Ouso Escrever is now part of the top 75 Relationship blogs on the web.

https://blog.feedspot.com/relationship_blogs/

Thank you!

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International Orgasm Day: Hitting the P-spot

“Good sex is like good bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” 
― Mae West

Today, we celebrate the international orgasm day, and I think it’s appropriate to say the more we talk about sex, the more it became a taboo. Why? We still have the wrong idea about sex. Most of us think sex is all about inserted a penis inside a vagina.
Sadly, we forget the power of foreplay and the fact that our bodies have more than one g-spot to enhance pleasure.

The liberalization of pornography, the sexual revolution itself, and so many other forms of social movements that occur between the ’60s until the ’80s should have given us the right perspective about human relationships. How to explore our bodies and what is the real meaning of eros. But they didn’t.

Fifty years after the second-wave feminism, why we keep talking about women can’t achieve orgasm? Why do we keep facing sexual problems and dilemmas inside our relationships?
More importantly, why do we demand so much from our male partners when it comes to sex? Shall we have to be goddesses and gods of sex? Porn stars?

Do we know the importance of oral sex? Do we know how to do it properly?

Clitoris has 8 thousand nervous terminals, double of the glans penis, and its the first trigger to provoke intense arousal in women. But, should I ask you, lick the glans penis is the only way to give, intense, pleasure to our men?

Going directly to the subject of my article: what is the P-spot?

As we have a G-spot, our male partners have a P-spot that with the right stimulation can give them multiple and intense orgasms. But, as I said before, many things related to sex are still a taboo in the XXI century. Pleasuring one man stimulating his perineum, or his nipples, are forbidden areas to explore. The P-spot is his perineum area, that area between the anus and scrotum, earned the credit of being an erogenous zone.

To administer a male perineum massage, you have to be sure your partner wants and feels comfortable with that. Some men enjoy the feeling of having their perineum licked and teased with a tongue or fingers, but others might feel shame and associate this technique as a gay thing.
Keep in mind, the importance of open communication lines with your partner, and look at their eyes to notice discomfort or pleasure. Remember, this technique is another way to spice your relationship but also to reinforce the bond you have with him or her. Yes, women love to have stimulation on the perineum too.

Every person’s nervous system is different. Some people may be able to have a perineum orgasm from perineum stimulation alone, others with the association of perineum stimulation and oral sex. The insert of one finger or a sex toy in the anus to reach the prostate gland are allowed too. Everything is fair between four walls and, at least, you will reach your “nirvana climax” like you never had before.

As partners, as women, and as men we forget the importance of erotic moments in our relationships consumed by daily life routines, some studies have shown men are less willing to share their sexiest fantasies with their partners, than women with this said it’s important to refer that sharing secrets fosters intimacy. Talk about sex and want we want in bed leads us to a more satisfying sex life.

Are your sexual fantasies, dirty? No, they are normal and healthy.

In today’s article, I wanted and still, want you to think about what is fair in sexual matters? What would you like to say or ask your partner? I invite you to look for more information about the P-spot, yes, men need our attention too and, don’t think because you like the sensation of having a massage on your perineum, or your ass, you are gay. Men and women should be free to experience whatever they want inside their bedroom. It’s all about trust and love.

With love,

Alexandra

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Why People Cheat? With Esther Perel

In today’s article, I’m sharing a podcast interview between Tony Robins and Esther Perel.

I invite you to take a listening with attention because many things as, our attachment styles, influence the way we behave in our relationships.

Ask yourself:

  • When was the last time you broke the rules?
  • When was the last time you had a place just for being a lover?
  • When was the last time you had novelty and erotic pleasure?
  • Can you show to your partner all the parts of yourself?
  • Did you forget how to make love with your clothes on?

With love,

Alexandra

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Women who Farm: How to Date a Wild Rose?

“Love no matter what and commit to absolute truth. Be present for your lover even during the most painful situations. Don’t just be physically present, be fully present–giving your lover your undivided focus.” – Tony Robbins

I believe, as a human being, we all search for a long-lasting healthy relationship, and this is even truer when it comes to farming or other professions with high levels of stress and risk for your mental and physical well being. As a farmer and a woman, I can tell you, you face the uncertainty and the emotional roller coaster as a lesson.

The exercise of discipline, the discipline of nurturing your intimate relationships as you feed your fields with proper fertilization. For your plants grow healthy and produce what you need, you have to provide them, water and fertilization according to the vegetative cycle.

In the sunflower case, with 5 leaves, we apply nitrogen to gain size and start the chapter formation. Boron is useful and should be applied, for example, when the chapter or the leaves aren’t well-formed. From the leaves’ length, you can predict your production.

When it comes to relationships, it happens the same. You need to give time and nurture, give the proper amount of love and attention. Give yourself and give freedom to your lover. Times of scarcity or emotional pain are the biggest challenges we face almost every day in farming matters, so nuclear support and benign love, are essential to support us.

How is to date a Farm Woman:

  • You will understand the real core human needs;
  • You will understand the power of trust and faith;
  • Challenges are her middle name;
  • She is a real survivor;
  • There are two women in one: The business woman and the Diva;
  • Love and commitment are golden rules for a healthy/happy life;
  • She will be by your side, no matter what, because she knows and felt how is feeling of being alone;
  • Loving a farmer is like drink Bourbon. The first drink is harsh and bitter, but with time it will be smooth and warm;
  • There is no false illusions, but she still have the capacity to purely dream;
  • Consistency, even during emotional and professional turmoils times;

Fatigue is very prominent among farmers and is about much more than the simple need for good sleep. It can lead to constant exhaustion and a feeling of emptiness.

Being a farmer isn’t a fairytale either a bed of roses, but as you might understand the contact with this natural reality bring us a sense of responsibility that is very rare in the period we are living. Run a farm is one commitment you assume for yourself and mother earth. If you fail, everything falls.

I drove a tractor with nine years old for the first time. I started to run the farm with twenty-six and has been so many up’s and down’s, that I can tell you it just gave me the strength to keep going, it made me tougher. So, when it comes to love, I just wanted to have by my side a man that could understand my roots and motivations.
Someone, to call my man, my home sweet home, the place where I can rest from life’s battles and start a family.

I have that man, luckily a nurse, that I felt since the first time I saw him, he would be my lifetime partner.

Where focus goes, energy flows.

When you travel the swerving, obstacle road be firm about what you want and get clear about your goals. The more aligned you have your expectations with your partner the more you will celebrate your differences and enrich your life together.

All the relationships we built has a propose. Mine is to be loved and give love. Mix genes with a man who is loyal to his heart, and has his feet on the earth. Be the example of dignity and respect, after all.

What about you? Willing to date a farmer?

With love,

Alexandra

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The Dating process, The Mating process: Finding the Right Mirror to Reflect Your Real Beauty

“Your Flaws are perfect for the heart that is meant to love you”

There are a million cracked mirrors in the world that we can look at, and think we are ugly. When it comes to dating, the real dating, we are looking for someone a real mate that can stand next to us and help us to shine more brighter. I don’t understand, completely, the new dating world because I’m old fashion in these matters, and because I believe we all need a real love in our lives. Love can push us from our comfort zone and help us to identify our true selves.

Don’t we forget the real propose of dating? Don’t we take people usually for granted? Don’t we forget, often, to say to our partners how much we love them? Don’t we forget to wake up in the morning and be thankful that we have someone somewhere in the world that loves us for who we are?

While dating how much we laugh? How much we stay in the present moment and feel freedom to be ourselves? Do we recognize our partner as the mirror we need to envolve into our best selves? Can we be just “a child” with them?

The innocence attached to dating is gone, sadly. If you search on the web, you can find various articles, videos and, even schools where they teach men and women how to play emotional games. At the end of the line, everyone is hurting each other and hurting themselves.

No one is telling or educating you for the fact that you need to be seen by your partner that you need to feel their love and somehow their empowerment. No one is telling that you should stop doing the wrong things that keep kept away from receive the love you deserve. No one is telling you that you should reconfigure your participation in your relationship. As chic or poetry as it may sound the truth is the way we respond to our relationship dynamics can change the whole process of dating.

Give it a fighting chance. Give and allow yourself to have a fighting chance to be, really, happy.

Do you need to chase man? No! Does a man need to chase you? No! You just need to know how to “dance”.

Stop doing the wrong thing, means:

  • Stop giving the excuse that you don’t have time;
  • Replacing the “You did” for “I feel”;
  • Say “I’m sorry”;
  • Don’t be afraid to be bold;
  • Not be upfront about your goals (someone who has the same goal as you won’t be scare);
  • Not stating what you want because it’s the first date (telling what you want doesn’t mean you will drag the other person into your home and cage them);
  • Don’t play or accept the game hot and cold;
  • Don’t be a Peacock;
  • Don’t be a Q girl or a Q boy;
  • Don’t do the slow-fading (when you slowly wind down contact with the person you have been dating leaving longer between your replies)

The ability to love, the ability to be in a partnership is a mindset. You have been out there in the field knowing and acknowledging how is to be in a romantic relationship and so you know, you understand there will be down days and days that you will be mad at your partner. A partnership mindset allows us to be with someone in the highs and the lows.

If you see your partner confuse, please don’t do the typical reaction to their reactivity like asking your friends what’s going on. Don’t let assumptions assault your mind because, most of us, get tripped up by putting salt in our wounds thinking our partners are using us.

Remember, we all have our issues, and we want someone, but we are scared to disappoint that person. Sometimes we want to phone call our partners, but we don’t do it because we will look needy, or because we think they might not want us to call them. In the end of the line each one of you will make assumptions and feel disconnected from your partner.

Life and love are more than Black and White. There are so many gray layers that you should try to understand and learn how to decode.

The mirror that will reflect your real beauty is out there and like you have many flaws and many qualities, but you will love them because they aren’t scared of your true self.

With love,

Alexandra

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When Her Emotional Tank Is Empty

Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts.” —Charles Dickens

The day to day life obligations, society demands, stress, lack of time, empathy, and affection leads many of us, women, to the emotional abyss. You may face moments where you find it hard to cope with difficulties, and demands, so all you want is a hug or something special to make you feel safe and loved.

During overwhelmed experiences, you might go through periods of disconnection from your partner and your relationship just because you aren’t at the same pace and not dealing with the same issues.

It’s normal. We all experience periods of connection and disconnection periods of more intimacy and less intimacy but, how we reconnect after disconnection is the key.

For this article, I used the Drº Gary Chapman, five languages of love profile, to find out mine and explain to you through my example of how it works.

Just remind you, the five languages of love are:

  • Words of Affirmation;
  • Acts of service;
  • Receiving Gifts;
  • Quality Time;
  • Physical Touch

After answer all the questions, this is my profile score (0-12):

  • Physical Touch – 11;
  • Words of Affirmation – 7;
  • Quality time – 6;
  • Acts of service – 5;
  • Receiving gifts – 1;

Unsurprisingly, physical touch is my primary inner love language, and I can explain one of the reasons why: when I was a baby my mother used to carry me next to her body all-day in one kangaroo baby bag. This close bond and affection were always present in my entire life, and so I apply the same dynamic or gestures into my intimate relationships.

It’s important for me to touch and being touch.

Gallant and Spence (2010) studies have shown that women who have received more hugs from their partners in the past have significantly lower blood pressure levels. Nonsexual physical affection can be one complement way to deal with severe stressful events.

People with physical touch love language display affectionate behavior in public, hold hands while walking, thoughtful touches because it does provide a sense of belonging.

What happens when your primary love language isn’t fulfilling:

  • You try to rescue your others love languages that are mean full for you;
  • You verbalize that you don’t feel loved or something is missing;
  • You start to feel that your partner doesn’t care about you and don’t understand your needs;
  • You withdraw (Which is terrible);
  • Your emotional tank will be empty, and you won’t be able to reciprocate his or her’s affection. At this point, your partner will tell you: “you have changed!”

Understand, this isn’t a simple math equation. It takes a lot of self-awareness and respect for your own and your partner’s needs. May be confused in the beginning, but relationships are this a constant life lesson in movement.

To hurt me is quite simple, push me away physically or verbally, and then the result will be Alexandra inside her shell.

The second love language words of affirmation have a positive impact on me when I have to face tough times. I can recognize the voice of my loved ones miles away, and for that reason, the worst punishment I can receive is the lack of verbal affection from who I love.

My third love language is quality time, and nothing upsets me more than being surrounded by people that are always distracted with something or not being present with me.

As you can see when we get hurt there are multiple reasons and most of them we don’t understand, or can explain.

With this said and because my blog is about love, I want to share one thing with you: When it comes to dating, I always had this idea that to have a successful relationship, you have to have focus.

I don’t believe in the lottery for relationships it can be risky and unfortunately leads to emotional pain. I love one quote I had read recently in one article, saying: “Some men are in love while others sweep streets.” Sweep streets mean, in dating terms, men who want to try every “flower” they see.

My last advice for you is, please find out who you are. Be sure of what you want, and don’t engage in emotional multitasking games because, at the end of the tunnel, you are the one who will get hurt. If you are in a relationship, do your best and be your best because life will thank you and when you look back, you won’t have regrets.

Understanding how you perceive love can help you to attain the results you want for life in general. Don’t be afraid to voice your needs, don’t be afraid to feel your inner self and don’t let others distort the way you see yourself as a human being.

Love is love. Love is respect.

My love for you,

Alexandra

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Narcissism: The Apocalyptic Disorder That Kills Love

“Self-love is protection against mental suffering, psychological illnesses, generators of well-being, and quality of life. Self-esteem, the genuine ability, without shame or fear, to recognize the strengths and virtues that we possess.” – Walter Riso

Narcissistics exist, they aren’t 21st-century evolution, quite the contrary. Unfortunately, they can destroy lives, and put us living under the bridge, literally.

These people want to live life at the limit, and everything for them has to have an impact.

Researchers have shown that narcissistic people need constant adrenaline due to an alteration of the way their brains produce some chemical substances like, for example, serotonin.

Partners, children and friends, are seen as household appliances.

Their victims are those who have the power to forgive, the “mothers” and “fathers” who accept them and in return receive only crumbs of, affection.

Narcissists play a tough psychological game in which they turn the other person into their emotional junk. Although they are attracted to attractive, resilient, cheerful, understanding and tolerant people with a sense of humor, they have great difficulty in maintaining these relationships because envy is a feeling that is present and corroding.

Narcissists in romantic relationships:

  • Everything has to happen faster;
  • Lot’s of seduction and romanticism;
  • The constant need to dazzle;
  • Sex for them is like play tennis or go to the beach;
  • For many, a first date will only be the first date, because the fantasy wasn’t there.
  • Messages and constant phone calls based on fear to lose;
  • Disappear, appear and disappear again;
  • Everything is possible and only depends of them;
  • The idealized notion of love;
  • Everything is too good at the beginning of the relationship;
  • Lack of desire for commitment;
  • Lack of empathy;
  • Betray and more betray to feed their ego and feel alive;
  • Competition;
  • Inconstancy and emotional instability;
  • Envy towards partner;

If the relationship is over:

  • Exhibition of personal information;
  • Victimization;
  • Exhaustive memory;
  • Defamation;
  • Perversity;

As many of us know these people usually go unpunished with the evil they do to others. They have the power to make innocents feel guilty. In the courts, we see so much of this.

Narcissists in family relationships:

  • Pressure and emotional blackmail;
  • Parents with lack of empathy;
  • Parental envy. Parents who haven’t succeed sentimentally or professionally feel intense jealousy towards their children. They may even project their anger to their children because they haven’t been well-loved in their entire lives.
  • Emotional and physical violence;

Narcissists in friendships:

  • Only one talks, only one has problems;
  • Friendship with many reticences;
  • The constant need for comparison, their focus on life is negative and never satisfying. They can call you and talk for about two hours and never ask you how you are.
  • They make you feel exhausted;
  • Disposability;
  • Lot’s of friends;
  • False interest and concern;

Narcissists in online social media:

  • Use of Facebook and other social media for body exposure;
  • Cars, motorcycles, houses, and even diplomas are used to show how powerful and amazing their lives are;
  • Catfishing or kittenfishing, this means they post out-of-date photos looking for attention, never showing how they are in the present;
  • They spread how they feel emotionally through their online posts and even can use it to send subliminal messages to someone in particular;
  • Victimization using personal information;
  • Addiction to social media;

Deal with someone with two faces it’s a heroic act where you have to look after your well being, mostly if you are one woman, look after your maternal instincts.

Narcissistics are people with their inner child hurt, so it’s natural you feel compassion, and try to rescue them. Believe me when I say you can’t.
With time, they will sabotage your self-esteem and doesn’t matter if they are your partner parent or boss, they will try to induce you into one spiral of sorrow.

Run away from someone who isn’t able to look at their wounds. Run away from someone with toxic behavior, from someone who talks with you one day and disappears for a week or less. From someone who doesn’t look into your eyes for more than 3 seconds.

Escape from someone who makes you feel like you are living post-traumatic stress as soldiers experience after war. Some Narcissistics will make you feel like you need to be in constant vigilance, and tension, please seek professional help.

To conclude my article, let me ask one last thing, why narcissists are so afraid of commitment? Because, they have a deep fear of rejection, and because in one way or another, they hadn’t anyone to give them the necessary tools to deal with love, and feelings in general.

Always remember, in healthy relationships, people will make you feel secure no matter how hard times they are cross. People with emotional intelligence like I said many times if they need to leave for some reason will let you know what’s going on and they will come back. They won’t play emotional games.

Love is consistency, be present in good and bad moments.

Love is intimacy and bond.

From personal experience, it’s hard to deal with narcissistic people mostly when you don’t shut off your mouth, and you fight for your beliefs.

My best advice?

Always be who you are! The real YOU is the most effective gun against these predators.

Hope this help you,

with love,

Alexandra

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Change Our Partner? A Straight Shot In The Foot.

“The world’s happiest couple never has the same character. They just have the best understanding of their differences.”

It’s a fact that in these days we write a lot about the difficulty of finding true love. Several articles out there approach that new technologies have taken the magic of first encounters, and charm dating, and long-term relationships.

We can’t deny the fact that our communications are based on text messages mostly as I said in previous articles. We can’t deny the new generations are very lazy when it comes to love, everyone talks about it, but not all can sustain a relationship.

How many times someone who says wants a relationship run away from it like the devil from the cross when it happens?

We all have so much afraid to love and lose somehow our freedom inside one relationship.

We have afraid, and we believe that “the one” only exists in our dreams.

Unfortunately, just with a search on youtube, you can realize the number of relationship experts that encourage men and women to make emotional games, like:

  • Play hard to get;
  • Be hot and cold;
  • Make him chase you;
  • If he doesn’t text you, disappear;
  • Don’t show much affection in the early stages of dating;
  • Give her the silent treatment because she will chase you;
  • Keep dating multiple people at same time;
  • Ignore each other to get each other attention;
  • After your first date let him text you first;
  • The 7 signs you are in a wrong relationship;
  • When to have sex with him;
  • And so on goes the list.

My question is, what kind of people are we educating? Is this education for love?

You know what? All the examples I gave you are born in insecurities.

We are cultivating the culture of lust, hookup, kittenfishing*.

There is nothing more wrong than thinking that love only comes when two people think alike, and have the same interests. Love born when we accept the imperfections as perfections. When we allow and allow ourselves to use our actual size of “clothing” and “colors” as we please.

Changing who we love is exhausting and a losing battle.

“Patched clothing” doesn’t shine, and for our partners to shine, they need new “clothes” instead of “broken fabrics”.

No one change because we want, or based in manipulatory games, accusations. All these strategies will be a backfire you, and I will explain why:

To someone change their behaviors and attitudes, they have to stop to have a look inside, and understand what’s causing damage in their lives. Use their partner’s shoes and feel their pain and sometimes the “unnecessary drama”.

Not all men or women can access this level of understanding. But who does can be more attentive, and receptive to your needs, stop having some hostile attitudes, and learn how to communicate effectively.

When you don’t like something, think about it first, and then vent your displeasure in a healthy manner way, because your partner always needs your respect and acceptance.

Our peace passes by accepting that each human being has his way of thinking and being, his essence. We all need to be seen by our partners.

Don’t be afraid to lose, afraid to say how you feel and what you want.

Differences are essential to grow and build a relationship with strong foundations.

We all have times where we feel insecure, but that doesn’t mean we have to change the other person to feel safe.

Focus your attention in what you want, not in what you don’t want.

Appreciate the best qualities of your partner and show how grateful you are for their presence.

Be present in your mind that you and your partner are the result of your personality, life experiences, beliefs, convictions, principles, tastes, and interests.
With all these reasons when you have a fight when you think, you want to change something in your partner BREATH and say I Love you!

I love you’ means: ‘Your feelings are important to me. If I’ve upset you, I need to apologize and be aware of my behavior. I’ll be here for you, and you can count on me'” Once you and your partner have exchanged your first “I love you” it’s natural to feel more invested in your relationship, as well as in your boo’s wellbeing.

Love is a choice. Be wise, be you!

With love,

Alexandra

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The Adult Children of Divorce: The Love and Life Acknowledgment After Pain

“O amor é evidentemente mais grato quando não é perturbado pela aridez da necessidade, mas deriva da bondade fecunda.”

For many of us, the word Divorce cause chills representing the end of a life’s project.

With a divorce, with the separation, the heavy losses for children no matter how age they have, will impact the way they see life and future relationships as adults.

Does anyone talk about the Adult children of divorce?

Witness the dismemberment of the nuclear family is one of the greatest pains we can experience as human beings. There is a part of us that dies, and we will never be able to rescue it.

As you enter into and deepen any healthy, intimate relationship, you need to know yourself. What identify you is your personality, which develops unconsciously and can be shaped by your upbringing and environment.

So, the question is: How personality of Adult children develops into this emotional turmoil, which is divorce?

How do they look at life and their future relationships?

It has been emphasizing that children of divorced couples would have a greater tendency to embark on destructive paths and have an unconfigured personality. It’s important to clarify that although the pain and loss associated with divorce, adopting destructive behaviors will depend on the support network that children and adolescents have around them.

But yes, we shouldn’t and can’t devalue the impact that divorce has on our lives. With a divorce, there is the need to mourn a family structure that disappears. And no, there are no easy divorces.

I want to clarify that we divorce every day from love in slow motion when we don’t verbalize, and we don’t discuss what we feel.

As much scoundrel as it may seem, the truth is when one couple has one argument means they still have feelings towards each other. What kills relationships aren’t arguments but instead the way we argue.

The art of love has been enhancing by the art of failure and the art of self-help, which is the same as nothing.

As a 34-year-old woman and daughter of divorced parents, I can say I lived several days and years that weren’t easy. I lost my family, I lost my father, and I lost a large part of myself. I was entering the period of adolescence, that troubled phase in which we say goodbye and mourn our body of children, to embrace the women and men of the future. As the eldest daughter, I played the role of the healer of the family. The connection link. Do you understand what I mean? I became a woman much sooner than I was supposed to because I had to “survive” and protect my people, my tribe.

No one explained the reason for the separation I only knew that there was emotional and physical infidelity.

I had to face for real and in the most hardest way what means the word: dismissive and avoidant.

How does a teenager deal with this situation, and what impact will it have in adult life? Without flowerbeds, it made me realize that intimate relationships require work from both parties. That love, to be loved, you need gestures. You need surprises. But it needs, above all, words accompanied by actions.

There are no white horse princes there are men who bring their family experiences as well as I have mine. In love, there is no room for laziness or suffocating passivity.

In love, there is no room for “me too” when all we want to hear is “I love you!”. “Me too” is like a wall in the rubble when there should be a window, the window of opportunity to experience love.

Honestly, it took me a few years to feel ready to make an intimate commitment to someone else. Because a relationship requires that we have above all space and emotional openness to accept and cherish the other person, even the most irritating details of their personality.

Maturity!

Of course, I have my fears and scars I can’t deny it. I have my moments when certain situations trigger my survival mechanisms and, then I feel, that I must run away, and close myself in the shell.

Our partners, if they haven’t been through a similar situation, aren’t able to understand how we feel or how was the loss the way I describe in this article.

But our partners, if they are the right one, will be able to forge with us strong bonds and emotional connection. That’s what we crave the most. We need to feel that we can be vulnerable and have our soul naked.

Those experiences gave me, the ability to identify when something is off in the relationship, and also be hard workers to fix it as soon as possible.

Those experiences gave me the ability to give my love and express in a healthy way.

Those experiences gave me the power to recognize when I met someone who that lights all the precious lights I have inside instead of running away from him, I want to stay and invest my time and my emotions.

Create. Embrace.

As reflection and to finalize my article, Eduardo Sá, Portuguese Psychologist wrote:

“When we have to fight for a person, in the early stages of dating, we are careful with messages and small gestures. When a relationship installs, we save in the messages. Isn’t very clear the last time two people exchanged a hug or a surprise. It isn’t that clear at times the last time they have said “I love you” to each other with the heart, not only with the mouth. And when we enter through this kind of routine of gestures in which, suddenly, the days seem to be all indifferent, we are falling apart from each other.”

My last question for you is, how to overcome this situation?

My answer is, date everyday even when you don’t feel like it.

Do I have any kind of regrets? As long as I live and as long as my name is Alexandra I will always love the same way and believe that dreams are true.

May we have the ability to reinvent ourselves intimately to love someone regardless of vicissitudes and chaotic life agendas.

With love,

Alexandra

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Daring To Love: How Attachment Style Influence Your Relationship.

“All hurt is founded on attachment to anything regardless of its nature. When we detach we vibrationally send ourselves back into the flow of life.” 
― Dr. Jacinta Mpalyenkana, Ph.D, MBA

Everyone is worth to experience the real love as long as we begin to internalize a new image of ourselves and break up with old patterns.

The more we stop to look at the way we deal with relationships and how some situations trigger emotional turmoil or deactivating strategies, the more we can start to forge a path toward security and create healthy long-term intimate connections.

The following image represents the four attachment styles:

Studies have shown secure attachment style represents 50% of the worldwide population, and the rest 50% is divided by 25% for avoidant style and 20% for Anxious.

I will write about each one in separate articles because it’s easier to understand.

Attachment style theory emerged with John Bowlby in the 60’s. In his experiment Bowlby wanted to understood how our brain are programmed to help us to survive and thrive in the environment we are born into. Our self-esteem, ability to control emotions and quality of our relationships are affected by our attachment style.

I must let it clear that even if you have a secure attachment style, you may have some portion of anxious or avoidant depending on the situation.

Don’t use attachment style as a table to categorize your partner, but as a powerful tool to enhance yourself, your partner, and your relationship. To find the root of misunderstandings and argues.

You can understand why and how you withdraw, why and how you get anxious in some situations. How to recognize and fix it and to have more successful lasting relationships.

Relationships should be the stage of self-development and emotional growth, not as a battle camp where someone thinks has the right to diminish his/her partner.

Your partner might have avoidant attachment style, if:

  • Loves you but is always waiting for you to do something wrong?
  • Use deactivating strategies to push you away?
  • Withdraw when faced with issues?
  • Shut down emotionally?
  • Need to have some alone time and sometimes deny your advances for intimacy and have sex?

Your partner might have anxious or avoidant – fearful attachment style, if:

  • You need to go somewhere and stay one day or two away, and he/she thinks you are going to leave him/her?
  • When you are busy doing something, and you can’t reply to messages or phone calls from your partner, does he/she shut down emotionally and start playing games?
  • Do they give you the silent treatment?
  • Is he/she always thinking about where the relationship is going?

Your partner might have a secure attachment style, if:

  • Can you rely on your partner?
  • Are they direct with their needs?
  • They don’t have afraid to face tough situations in life and always stand up for their core values?
  • Are they consistent in their actions and not reluctant to express feelings for you?
  • Are they available when you need them?
  • Do they have the interest and ask you deep tough questions to fully understand you?

Intimacy and closeness can be scary but don’t have to be painful.

Relationships are the most rewarding and challenging aspect of life.

With the right work, and with the understanding that we all have flaws, we can connect and create beautiful bonds.

With love,

Alexandra Santos

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The Fourth Love Language: Acts of Service

Actions speak louder than words”

If you or your partner’s primary love language is Acts of service, you or him/her might feel adoration by the things someone in an intimate relationship does for you.

Your actions make your partner feel your love, and he/she appreciate those actions as one act of consistency or as an act of help to make their life easier.

Remember yourself that spontaneity is the key, and it doesn’t need to be a grand gesture:

  • Prepare their breakfast and bring it to bed;
  • Take out the trash;
  • Take the kids and leave your partner have a time to relax;
  • Give your partner a kiss;
  • Before left home leave him/her a note somewhere just saying “I Love you!”;
  • Ask your partner what Acts of service means to them;

Like the song says: ” you are the sunshine of my life, that’s why I’ll always stay around. You are the apple of my eye forever you’ll stay in my heart.”

It can be such a great example to provide a love act service to your partner, believing he/she is the apple of your eye by asking for feedback about how much they feel loved by you.

Remember, there is no exact science to make your relationship successful, but with the right competencies and with awareness to learn new skills you can have it all.

With Love,

Alexandra Santos

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The Evoke Of A New Musical Writing Era: Aussie Band, Dicklord

“Being different isn’t a bad thing. It means you’re brave enough to be yourself!”

You might get shocked by the name of this band but as long as the music is an art form and a tool to express who we are, shall we say this Punk band has it all.

We can’t deny the quality of the music itself.

The rhythm, the dirty lyrics or at least provocative lyrics, strident girly voices, fancy artwork posters, bodies with tattoos is the story about, these guys.

Dicklord is the real idea of how our inner natures can behave and project into the world with no attached chains.

Dicklord grabs the bull horns in each performance.

They call you out, call you to stand up against misery and spirit poverty. Did you grab the bull horns in your life too?

Every single they produce has a hidden story.

How do you feel when you hear their song, Knuckle Girls? Or Rando Tampo?

Should I ask, is a “Tampo” disabling you to tell your truth?

Think about it.

DickLord represents how we can stand out from the crowd and be popular because of it. As humans, we tend to like and appreciate what is different. What makes you different makes you beautiful, for sure.

Music is pleasure, music is you.

You can follow them on Spotify or Facebook.

With love,

Alexandra Santos

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Sexting: The ‘ultimate’ tool to make your relationship brilliant and alive

Sexting provides couples a safe environment where they have a chance to go wild. It can work as an anticipation of the sexual act itself.

The more you are comfortable with your sexuality or being vocal about it, the more you feel appealed to tease your partner with good sexting during the day.

With sexting, you can even share with your partner your deepest wild dreams something new to try.

Sex, the need to make love start in our brain with this said when you sent a text message to your partner, it occurs a hormonal in his/her brain. For men, the levels of dopamine and vasopressin rise, for women oxytocin.

It can feel scary to reveal what are your fantasies or too embarrassed for being vulnerable at the point of uncovering your deepest desires in sexual matters.

Going out from your comfort zone is seduction pleasure and how to feed your connection to a deeper level.

On the long road, it will make you feel good and out of the blue craving for more.

In this article, I’m not thinking about casual hookup relationships or situationships. I’m not talking about unwanted sexting.

Share intimate photos or videos of your partner across the internet is a crime, and yes every day we hear those stories but here, the approach is about healthy relationships and, healthy partners.

Since an emotional relationship is allegedly based on personal trust, give your longtime partner erotic pictures and pleasant words to turn him/her on.

Compromise is the key.

Timing is the key.

Use sext as something to spice a little bit your meaningful connection.

  • Your longtime partner is working? Deliver him the image of the lingerie that you will wear in the evening, just for him.
  • Does she dearly love your voice moaning in her eager ears saying dirty words? Record her one audio message with all the things you are planing to do with her when you arrive at home.
  • Promptly tell her you want to genuinely see her naked or ask gently to use her special perfume because it instantly turn you on. 
  • Tell him you purchased something to oral sex, cause him to think about it all day.

Remember,

a successful relationship requires falling in love multiple times, but always with the same person.

Be proactive, and your partner and your life will thank you.

With love,

Alexandra Santos

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Dating Games: The uncomfortable and unnecessary thing called “Breadcrumbing”

Most of you may be asking – what is “breadcrumbing”?

The first thing is, don’t make excuses for bad behavior!

Why? When we try to find excuses for bad behavior, we are feeding what we don’t want and not allowing ourselves to explore the right options for us.

“Breadcrumbing”: The act of sending out flirtatious, but non-committal text messages to members of the opposite sex, in order to lure a sexual partner without expending much effort.

Do you recognize this situation? Do you know this occurs in friendships and workplaces?

No matter how hot, no matter how wonderful they seem to be if you want a real relationship and you feel you are ready for it, don’t allow yourself to be on hold for something that might never occur.

As said in a previous article, we all know people now use instant text messages to maintain and start relationships.

The matter of the fact they are just projecting all their insecurities through a screen.

Can we understand that a simple phone call for about just 5 minutes can change the whole dynamic and reinforce bonds in a relationship?

Breadcrumbing it’s an emotionally manipulative tactic to keep you on a hook and somehow dependent on that connection. It can be romantically or even a friendship.

People who practice breadcrumbing have low self-esteem need attention and are constantly in need of validation.

How to spot it and the red flags breadcrumbing friendships:

  • They post every day on social media things without any kind of substance and some personal drama;
  • You can’t understand their behavior;
  • They may “like” everything you do;
  • They want to know everything you and even ask inconvenient questions;
  • You may not realize you are feeding the dynamic until someone warns you;
  • There is something addictive about the connection, and you don’t know why;

What about work places?

  • Your boss drops hints about how good you are but never gives you a promotion, even if he/she promises you that;
  • Promises of a prospective employer about the great things you might achieve if you accept the unknown role;
  • Colleagues start praising you just before they need your help in something and then leave you until the next time;

Are you dealing with breadcrumbing “partner”?:

  • You never know where you stand;
  • The future is a maybe;
  • They are less invested than you are:
  • They are one day warm toward you but the other day completely cold;
  • They disappear without telling you they need to leave but will come back soon as they can;
  • You can’t understand their behavior;
  • You feel like a dinner entrée;
  • There is always a green light followed by a red one;
  • They cancel at last minute with no effort to reschedule;
  • No consistency.

to conclude my article:

You may think relationships and dates are like menu options but, I like and I want to believe, people still need and want real connection.

People who, like me, write real letters, use phone calls and their physical presence to support consistency who they love. People without afraid to cross barriers and give it a “shot” to try and feel love.

Can be out there plenty of fish in the sea but remember that so many romantic opportunities require from single people maturity to handle it respectfully.

I may disappoint you, but real relationships only work with consistency.

Relationships are straight forward because we dance the same “music”. We want somebody who wants us. We attempt to see each other. Attempt to get together. We have a goal. We want to keep seeing green lights. Social media or instant text messages aren’t the vehicles to nurture relationships. It can be used as an extra tool and are just a small piece of what can be done and given to the other person.

Don’t accept less and don’t diminish yourself.

Stand out and show up as a grown-ass adult because it’s the only way to maintain your sanity. Make yourself feel empowered. Call them out!

You are a human being, not a pigeon to accept bread crumbs.

With love,

Alexandra Santos

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The Flabbergasting Dating World: Ghosting, The ‘New’ Breakup Concept.

“Someone Disappearing on you doesn’t reflect your worth. It reflects their fear of being ‘seen’”

I’m sure all of us have experienced this situation in the past, and yes it can be heartbreaking no matter how hard you try to understand why you’ll never have the answer won’t belong to you or in something you did.

Reflect their intentions or at least their afraid of being hurt and provide real love and companionship.

Ghosting is the term used to describe the situation when your partner, male or female, cease all the communications with you and never come back.

It isn’t a new phenom, but because of dating apps and because couples do all their communication through message or social media, it has been studied the last decade with more intensity to understand better the behavior of women and men in the new-age intimate relationships.

What are the consequences of receiving the ultimate silent treatment after several dates or being in a committed relationship?

With this behavior, what’s the message we are passing to the other person?

Meanwhile, we can’t categorize ghosts as bad people.

Some want real love and real connection but don’t know how to sustain it and don’t recognize their attachment style and how it influences their actions. They are avoidants.

The ghosting phenomenon helps people to avoid conflict in the first place and avoid the fear of being rejected and left down.

They avoid hard conversations or the fabricated probability of being used. Fabricated because avoidant people, depends on the avoidance level, always try to find something wrong in their partners to withdraw. Like a bad inner voice saying:

  • See I told you she is using you! She doesn’t love you!
  • He is like many others! Why do you keep believing in him?

They deflect, they shut down emotionally to prevent themselves from future hurt. Yes, on the way they hurt many people but I will leave that for another article, ok?

How to prevent ghosting:

  • Be real and honest about your boundaries;
  • Don’t chase but be upfront about your needs and desires;
  • Focus on your life;
  • Don’t give up on love;
  • Always give the right pace to a new relationship, too hot too soon is no good;
  • Spend time with people you care about;
  • Remember, when ghosting happens it’s all about them, not about you;
  • Don’t intoxicate your life with the internet;
  • If you are in a relationship try to find your own dynamic and your attachment style;
  • Keep your relationships alive and rich, use phone calls instead of instant messages to nurture them;
  • Don’t allow ghosting to become a social norm, apologize but move on;
  • If your partner is avoidant but wants to move on with you, seek professional help or read as much as you can about avoidant attachment style. We can all have a secure relationship;
  • The last but not the least, remember your worth and how beautiful you are.

With love,

Alexandra Santos

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Be the best chocolate ever.

“Chocolate, I am sure, is the concrete manifestation of love” – Geneen Roth

When was the last time you were the chocolate of your relationship?

When was the last time you melted your partner with your sugar and sweet inner flavor?

When was the last time you dressed that amazing lingerie?

When was the last time you slept with your girlfriend or wife completely naked?

Do you know women love to see a partner’s penis with the morning erection?

Too many questions at the same time, I believe. But I’ll give you a quick answer to the last question.

We love to see our partner’s erect penis in the morning because it’s the best timing to have sex.

During sleep time, better if we sleep naked, the skin contact release and enhance the production of hormones responsible for sexual desire and intimacy. Oxytocin, is responsible for building intimacy and happiness.

So why talk about chocolate? Because chocolate is a natural aphrodisiac and you can use it for your benefit. You can even be chocolate.

Sex is all about words. Touch. Surrender.

Sex can be a bath together. Sex is foreplay, but more than that is melt ourselves in our partner’s hands like hot chocolate for strawberries.

Tips to enhance your sexual life:

  • Invest time in foreplay;
  • Discover your partner’s G spot;
  • Try to use appropriate toys for each other;
  • Build real intimacy staying connected to your partner;
  • Try new positions or at least use your fingers;
  • Don’t forget to be the real time partner and be there for him/her as a divine rock;
  • Your partner is your choice, respect it and feed that connection properly;
  • Be proud of your partner and wait for him/her naked to celebrate victories;
  • Cook your meals naked with just an apron;
  • Be your authentic self and be happy, life is too short to waste.

With love and respect,

Alexandra Santos

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The Third Love Language: Gifts

One single gift acknowledged in gratefulness has the power to dissolve the ties of our alienation – David Steindl-Rast

Every time you buy a present for your partner, you always think about him/her?

What kind of thoughts do you have about him/her? For sure are loving thoughts.

When we give a gift to our partner doesn’t matter how expensive it is, are the symbol of love and our devotion to them.

One gift is the materialization of your thoughts and feelings.

Gifts can be bought, created or findings.

Remember, you don’t need a special occasion you need to feel its the right time and because you want to.

When you find out that your partner’s love language is receiving gifts, this is the best way to invest in your relationship.

  • You are going home from your workday you walk through a public garden with wildflowers, take one and offer to your girlfriend or wife. They will thank you for your gesture and be very happy.
  • Your boyfriend or husband just arrived at the home, and he seems exhausted let him sit on the couch and rebuilt his testosterone. Give him a kiss and his favorite drink.

Those small gestures can mean nothing, but in fact, change the whole dynamic of one relationship in an effective way.

So now as you must realize the keys words for this love language are:

  • Give something special or create with your hands something to offer to your partner;
  • Give them the gift of your presence. Give yourself to your partner and be with him/her in the present moment.
  • It doesn’t matter how much you spend in one gift what matters is the emotional investment you put on it.

If your partner’s love language is receiving gifts get ready for a magical change, and one amazing making love session.

I hope this helps you

see you next article,

Alexandra Santos

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The Second Language of love: Quality of Time

Time is currency of relationships. If you want to invest into your relationships start by investing your time – Dave Willis

As we all must know, contemporary society tells people to invest their time in mundane things.

We almost forgot the importance of nurturing our relationships as part of one successful life.

With this said, I launch the following questions:

  • When you got home from work, how much time you spent on your cell phone, computers, and other distractions?
  • Do you turn off your electronic devices and be fully present?
  • Argues because of social media and how much you check your cell phone tends to happen?
  • Did you know “the lack of time” is one of the main reasons for breakups?
  • Did you know the importance of saving 20 minutes of your day to look at your partner and ask everything about his/her?

Women are sensitive when we talk about a lack of time.

I can tell for myself.

As a woman, I know when my partner is fully present or away, even if his body is next to mine.

Being together is the focus of attention. Quality of time is all about being close and being close means being together in the full sense of the word. That’s why recent studies indicate that couples that started their relationship with someone from another country or long distance city value more the meaning of being together. They even tend to have more satisfying relationships because being in a long-distance relationship helps them to give value to details and little things that we don’t look with attention when we live in the same area.

In this love, language matters the emotional attention and investment you give to your partner.

The same happens when you have a quality conversation with your partner.

How often your girlfriend or wife talk about past issues?

Emotionally, we need to have a conversation with quality where our man gives his solidarity to our moment of pain and frustration. For that reason, we will bring old issues every time we are upset because of it still there. We didn’t feel heard.

Recognize,

Men are wired to provide solutions and solve issues as faster as they can.

Women are wired to talk about emotions to relieve tension.

This simple difference can damage your relationship. Why?

Men get angry when they see their partner upset and don’t know what to do. If old issues are brought to the table again, they will feel trapped and unease.

Tips to overcome the situation, for him:

  • Ask her questions;
  • Try to wear her shoes and don’t take it personally when she is upset;
  • Reassure her with your words and for sure with the right actions;
  • Don’t allow the situation to recur.

Tips to overcome the situation, for her:

  • Ask him how he feels;
  • Use the state “I” instead “You”;
  • Allow him to think about the situation;
  • Be vulnerable with him.

It’s all about time and the quality of it. Time, relationships require time.

As long as you can try to share quality activities with your partner, they will cover the memories account and will be useful in moments of tension and deception.

Memories are moments that we built with the other person, and with them, we understand why we cross the bridge together.

Tips to have a quality time together are:

  • Be together and stay together;
  • Quality conversation;
  • Learn how to talk;
  • Understand your type of personality;
  • Share quality activities together

I hope this help you!

see you next article,

Alexandra Santos

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The First Language of love: Affirmation Words

In today’s article I introduce you to the first language of Love: Affirmation Words.

Affirmation Words? What does this mean? One of the easiest and simplest ways to express our feelings and appreciation for someone is through words.

Words change lives and materialize whatever we want. With words, we can share with others our deep states of soul/mind. That’s the reason why we love so much literature and music.

Verbal compliments and gratitude words are powerful triggers when we talk about love.

Let me ask you one thing,

  • How many times do you compliment your partner?
  • How many times do you say thank you for the things he or she does to you?
  • How many times you say “I love you”?
  • How many times do you share your deep thoughts with your partner?
  • How many times instead of being fully present with your partner your attention is somewhere?
  • How many times do you turn off yourself from virtual activities to be only with your partner and listen to his/her ?

I’m not talking about fawning I’m talking about encouraging words. I’m talking about being in the present moment with the ones you chose to love.

With sincere words, we can inspire our partners to be better partners and better people.

In certain moments of life, we all feel insecure.

We may feel insecure because we are trying to find a new job because our partner doesn’t pay us the right attention or don’t ask us over the years what are our inspirations.

Yes, we should ask our partners what are their dreams and inspirations, because we change. With the right words, with the right tone, we can vanish our partner’s insecurities away.

Our partners may have some qualities and even desires that are asleep. Maybe the gift of your partner is waiting for your encouraging words to awake.

Remember, it’s encouragement, not pressure.

Why? Encouragement happens when your partner decides it’s time to give the first step, and so is the right timing where you have the opportunity to give your encouragement without it your words will seem like a judgment.

Many times what holds us back to attain something is the lack of courage.

Be the inspirational source for your partner. Be empathetic to his/her needs. Be authentic.

Only with empathy, we can see the world as our partner does.

Example:

Laura has been lately tired from work and would like to ask Garry to help her with kids and cook the dinner, but feels like he doesn’t listen to her.

Garry has been trying to lose weight and start his new book and feels no support from Laura feeling like she blames him all the time.

How can they change this situation and be more close to each other?

Laura can say: Garry, I had a horrible day today at work. Can you get ready kids for bed and give them dinner? I would love to spend some time alone with you to hear from you and share my thoughts.

Garry could say: Yes, sweetheart! I will do that for you and, I want to talk about what’s going on I may need your help. You are the only one I trust.

As we can see the way you ask something can change the final result.

Instead of saying: “You never do what I ask you to do!”

Say: “I know how much you care about me, can you do this favor for me, please? Thank you!

Instead of ignoring your partner and how he/she looks like, remember yourself to say to him/her:

  • You look so handsome tonight I remember how excited I was to meet for the first time, you had the same shirt.
  • I am so lucky to have such a woman like you by my side.

I know it may seem weird for you in the beginning, but in the long term, believe me, it will change completely your relationship and the way you look at your partner.

See you next article,

Alexandra Santos

Credits:

B&W Photo by Alexander Kliuchnyk

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THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option” – Mark Twain

In this article, I will introduce you for what are the 5 languages of love, and in the next articles how they influence the way you interact with your partner. It is important to convey a positive view of knowing our partners and not explore their vulnerabilities, or take power over them.  

As you must realize, we all have one favorite way to communicate with others and how we express our feelings to them. But do you know your love language?

It’s very rare that women and men have the same first emotional love language. 

You may face that your partner doesn’t fully understand you. You may have times where you feel completely disconnected. You may feel neglected or that your message doesn’t reach the other side.

I want to assure you that you can completely turn around the way you live your relationship and how you see your partner more than understand your first emotional love language you’ll get the right tools to understand and connect with your partner through his/her emotional love language.

Having a secure attachment style and being responsive to a partner’s needs leads to the outcome most couples desire long-term happiness, and satisfaction.

Photo by Anne-Claire Brunn

Knowing someone’s love language is like learning their true name, give you the insight into who they are deep down. For better or for worse. 

The first thing to recognize is that passion is what it is, temporary emotional peak, and after that, we will be able or not to develop love. Love another requires real work and real commitment. We are born, not for fall in love, but for being loved by someone as a conscious choice. 

Remember, you chose your partner because you see something valuable and a dignify quality to love. Intentional love.

Intentional love, real love is like a tank full of gold when the tank is full your partner feels safety to explore or express the inner self through the world.

When the tank is empty resentment will take place and poison the connection you share.  

The 5 love languages are:

1. Affirmation Words;

2. Quality of time;

3. Receive Presents; 

4. Ways to serve;

5. Physical touch;

Remember, love is a choice!

see you next article,

Alexandra Santos

Em destaque

THE PARADOX OF BEING TAKEN FOR GRANTED BY OUR PARTNER

“Do not take anything for granted—not one smile or one person or one rainbow or one breath, or one night in your cozy bed” Guillemots

If one hand, it’s true we shouldn’t take anything for granted in life, what about intimate relationships?
When it comes to intimate relationships, taking for granted, can be a paradox with a negative connotation.

Be in love or build a strong bond requires work from both parties and however illogical it can be this isn’t what happens many times.

Your partner gives “gifts” as inspiration for you to give more of your time and energy to the relationship but sadly see it as he or she will always be there for you.

No reciprocation will happen.

At this point, “taking for granted” is empathic neglect the needs of the other person which leads us to serious ethical questions.

As human beings, we need to feel appreciated and, not having feedback, in the long run, it can cause distress and discouragement.

More than “paid back” in kind, we need to feel that the other person is genuinely grateful for the vital role we play in their lives.

It’s also important to understand that they need to feel listened, taken seriously, or feel free to talk about frustrations they might experience in the relationship or life.

Being short and incisive they need to feel from us what, so preciously, they’ve given to us. 

Taken for granted can be seen as feeling used exploited cheated, and even betrayed.

How can those feelings be generated? 

Do you remember the courtship period? 

Courtship is all about the promise of true love, compassion, vulnerability, and support.

Looking at our intimate relationships, and admit that more than we wish our responsibility for not putting as much effort into nurturing each other as a good relationship demand is the first step towards success.

Relationships aren’t meant to keep you in a state of “I”  but to move forward into a state of “We”. 

Remember, no matter how well matched you and your partner may be, you need to put all your effort to keep it vibrant and alive. Don’t allow yourself and don’t expect the other person to row the boat alone. You are a team. Be thankful for the things that a person provides to you – energy, time, love, understanding. 

As a final note, I would like to say that the way we behave in our relationships has a direct association with our attachment style love language, and emotional wounds.

Love is to be consistent. Love is to be conscious.

Be your best self!

Love,

Alexandra Santos

credits:

Photo by Getty Images Stock

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About Alexandra

I have to live my life with passion, and for sure one, my biggest passions are psychology and human behavior. That’s why, with 34 years old, I’m starting a new career and studying again. I can’t even believe I have 34 years old. (Laugh)

I started my professional path as a computer teacher and, now at the moment, I am an agricultural entrepreneur.

Over the years, I have noticed how hard it can be dealing with someone at an intimate level.

For many of us can be scary.

With Ouso Escrever, I would love to share with you professional information about relationships and how to explore our inner selves. We are all artists. We all have the power and concrete focus to change our lives and do something that we will be proud of in the future.

Why do this?

We all need some guidance sometimes. We all need to learn new tools. We all need to improve our skills.

Would love to connect with you.

Yes, you!

No matter who you are, I’m sure you are here for one reason. Let’s do it together.

I hope that you enjoy my articles, and give me your feedback about them.

Feel free to subscribe and let’s be wild and healthy crazy 😉

with love,

Alexandra Santos