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If you don’t have something respectful to say, remain silent.

Returning to a teaching career has been a great experience, not only because I love my students but also because I’m saying goodbye to my country, positively impacting and serving those around me.
I’ve gone through moments of profound introspection, but since yesterday I’ve been feeling a deep sadness surrounding my body and mind. Ten years have passed since my grandfather left this world, and I miss him (terribly) today.

Looking back, I wouldn’t change a thing about my life, but as far as I can see/feel, I’m not starting from zero because I’ve got all those experiences inside my pocket. Confuse? Perhaps a little bit, but once in a while, it’s ok to let our minds wander to unreachable places, forests of vulnerability, rivers of hope. Why feel shame or be ashamed of our path?
Cher has a quote that says a lot about me, too: “I’ve always taken risks and never worried about what the world might think of me.”

We’re living in a time where we shall be our authentic selves, exposing our needs and wantings, not seeing our voices shut down by political artifacts or disrupted by the normative wave. I saw today on the news that people are questioning Brittney Griner’s gender because of her low voice, and I wonder where all this gender thing will take us?! Aren’t society playing with serious matters? It is disrespectful, unproductive, and fragmental. And the funny aspect of this scenario is when you bring the real explanation behind it. People want to cancel your voice.

My 7th-grade students, for example, were surprised when I explained to them the existence of a whole series of pathologies that influence and determine the development of human sexual reproductive organs. And I made it clear that we should never, at any time or under any circumstance, use them as throwing weapons to frighten and antagonize.

My message for today is: If you don’t have something respectful to say, remain silent. There is enough knowledge on books that can help to achieve a clever understanding of what humanity is and how different we all are.

With love,

Alexandra

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How Attachment Style Impacts Relationships

Relating with another human being can make or break us. I’ve written here that our attachment style shapes all areas of our lives: romantic relationships, friendships, workplace relationships, and other social circumstances, even the way we deal with or think about money is influenced by it.

Therefore I would like you to listen today to Thais Gibson’s video, where she talks about how someone (man or woman) might feel when having a relationship with a dismissive avoidant individual. I might add that now that I am teaching again, attachment style and knowing about it can be a positive tool to deal with and establish healthy relationships with students. But also understand why other teachers behave the way they do.

I will write an article about it soon. For now, enjoy the video and leave your comment.

With love,

Alexandra

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Portugal and Inequity Aversion

As Mirren Stallen et al (2018) pointed out in their study called “Neurobiological mechanisms of responding to injustice” when the human brain faces injustice or unfairness, the anterior insula, the amygdala, and oxytocin play a significant role in how we feel towards a particular situation.

Unfortunately, injustice happens every day, but what are the damages to the “victims”? And why are violators blessed with impunity?


When we look at social hierarchy, it is evident that unfairness and injustice begin when those who govern our countries create laws enabling corruption. But harshly persecute those that, through the fruits of their work, possess assets and want to live with fairness. Portugal is and has become one of those countries. I’m sorry to disappoint my readers, but long gone are the days when this country was fair to its citizens, enabling them to prosper socially and financially.

It is with great sadness that I am writing these lines today. A pain felt holding on to my chest, deep anger, the reminiscing feeling of not being understood.

After knowing that a present from my husband, a private correspondence, was stopped by Portuguese border authorities, targeted by garnishment, and sold due to “tax debt”, it was not only unconstitutional but also a clear violation of privacy rights. But, the main point is, again, despite having hired lawyer services, nothing was done. Which evoked everything I went through 3 years ago when trying to save my family’s assets.

Note: I wrote tax debt between quotation marks because I’ve been trying to close my family’s company for over two years, and Portuguese tax authorities keep denying it even knowing the company doesn’t have anything or any financial movements, a tactic widely used by the Portuguese government to throw entrepreneurs into insolvency proceedings. Therefore, the money they charge is fictional and, again, unconstitutional. Do lawyers help you? The answer is no! They offer you promises of resolution in exchange for large sums of money. They are part of this vicious system.

This week the Portuguese prime minister announced measures to combat the lack of housing using the coercive leasing of private homes that are second homes, adding that if tenants go three months without paying their rent, the state will immediately step in and pay the amount owed to the landlord. In other words, private property is under harassment, and taxpayers will support (once again) third parties’ vanity. Please, also take a look at this link: https://www.portugalresident.com/president-marcelo-decorates-businessman-who-owes-e2-million-in-tax/

I would like to conclude this article by saying that what saved me from depression or any attempt to commit suicide was my personality, emotional literacy and family support. When living under cognitive dissonance constantly, you’ve to hold on to yourself in what matters, learn as a survival mechanism to trust your gut, and be highly selective when it comes to people.


As Isaac Prilleltensky (2022) wrote,

The psychological trauma generated by making you feel devalued and depriving you of adding value has far-reaching costs in terms of physical and mental health problems, not to mention relational, occupational, and social. It can take years of suffering and treatment to overcome the psychological harm occasioned by repeated acts of psychological injustice. To be sure, in response to lack of mattering some people become anxious and depressed, but others become aggressive, with tremendous costs in terms of lives lost and family suffering that can last decades.

Inequity aversion is the preference for fairness, and those who live by this core rule will always face unethical/transgressive behaviors from others.

Alexandra

References

Prilleltensky, I. (2022). What is Psychological Injustice? It’s a concept whose time has come. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/well-being/202211/what-is-psychological-injustice

Stallen, M., Rossi, F., Heijne, A., Smidts, A., De Dreu, W. K. C., Sanfey, G. A. (2018). Mechanisms of response to injustice. The Journal of Neuroscience, 38(12), 2944-2954.

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Is Your Ass more Relevant than Your Brain?

This question can be ridiculous for most of us, but is it that ridiculous? When talking about job opportunities or even the money some “stars” earn on the internet without any qualification, it’s easy to understand that in this present society, in some cases, the possession of university qualifications isn’t equal to receiving a decent salary. 

More ugly is the proliferation of Onlyfan and TikTok accounts, with thousands and millions of followers feeding impressive digital creators. Yes, the creator is the word they use to describe themselves. Is a porn Onlyfan account prestigious for the Professional Porn Industry? Why does showing breasts and asses earn thousands and millions of dollars/euros, but when the topic is brain usage seems to be a scary place to go? 

Unfortunately, the normalization of such erratic behaviors is affecting nowadays the possibility of actors/actresses, teachers, singers, and so many others professionals finding a job. Some recruiters search our social media platforms to see how many followers we have. Because remember many followers means “quality”. I wonder how Celine Dion, Tina Turner, Phill collins, Sophia Lauren, and many other artists expanded their careers and talent without digital platforms. 

  • The violinist Anna Murawaka after a career of 20 years saw her Australian visa application declined in 2020 because she didn’t have enough followers to validate her work.

Duygu Gulseren (2022) wrote an interesting article for Psychology Today, where she mentioned that social-media content creators are exposed to cyberaggression, giving the example of one youtube couple who paused their online work indefinitely because commentaries from others made them start to question their relationship. 

We all know that the Internet and social media platforms are amazing tools, but how far and fair is it? How can people with academic education and expertise in certain areas combat the proliferation of “online know-it-alls” individuals? 

Everyone seems to talk about mental health issues and the importance of preserving mental serenity in the XXI century, but few the ones who reach the nucleus of the question: Are we giving adequate opportunities for our children and adolescent to grow, allowing them to experience the equilibrium and integrity of being? Do we have a real existence or a charade where people are just numbers?

With love,

Alexandra

REFERENCES

Gulseren, B. D. (2022). Social-Media content creation and the threat of cyberaggression. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/workplace-health-and-wellness/202209/social-media-content-creation-and-the-threat-of

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Relationships and the Shadow Work

It has been a long time since I wrote an article on my website. Life has been changing, and I had to change with it. Besides concluding two master’s degrees this year, I also got married in October and returned to my teaching career.

However, because this place is all about love and relationships, I’m presenting you with a tool that I believe will change your intimate dynamics: The shadow relationship with ourselves and how to change it.

The shadow relationship with ourselves means the traits we tend to suppress or avoid in terms of not letting others know how we feel. For example, we know that we need to respect our necessities and time to restore our energy, but neglecting it seems the easier road to navigate. Another example is recognizing pattern behaviors in our partners, family members, or other social groups which hurt us, but we pretend to be ok. Why? Because the shadow relationship also means the disregard we live inwards.

The expression “work on yourself” seems to be a trendy receipt, the miraculous cure spreading around with so much easiness, but it is a brutal reality that many of us tend to avoid.
Let’s be honest for any human being healing emotional wounds and reprogramming the emotional/nervous system takes time. It is a journey with ups and downs, advances, and retreats.

It took me two years, and it is still a work in progress, to rebirth the woman I used to be. I was lucky enough to have a “tank” full of good emotional memories and so much love from childhood and the early years of my teenagehood, allowing me to move on, leaving behind years of heaviness and unfairness. I wasn’t fair and felt like I was punishing myself in the name of something unchangeable.

Never allow anyone to disdain your value or who you are.

I hope you enjoy the Thais video. Merry Christmas!

With love,

Alexandra

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Social Media Platforms And Its Swearwords

Besides the apoptotic need to voice opinions and expose an almost perfect life, Social Media Platforms violate severely fundamental human rights, such as Freedom of speech!
The Twenty-one century is now the century of vanity and idiocracy, a not-so-clever repetition of the roaring twenties or Les années folles from the past. The ferocity and neediness to portray a facade obviously to hide internal malfunctions or, at least, to be part of the trend online community are slowly killing more and more individuals.

Aren’t we diligently repeating history?

Envy and shame, what got to do with it? Envy is a need to destroy something or someone to obtain a position or social visibility. Shame is the retraction needed based on the feeling of not being good enough. When together, envy and shame become a powerful force that leads individuals to weaponize their opinions using hateful techniques over social media and real life. Anynomatus assures these individuals that no one will ever get them or make them responsible for their inappropriate actions and behaviors: normalization of abuse and toxicity.

Yes, emotional toxicity purely exists around us.

Recently I read an article from a Portuguese History writer about surrogacy, which unsurprisingly manifested her opinion against the technique, claiming it violates women’s rights and children born through this method. Of course, points of view are what they are, but when shared in public places by a public figure, followed by hundreds of people, there should be a consideration on how to approach it. At least, previously the writing, study the subject itself and then, with all the pieces of evidence on the table, form a conclusion taking into account both sides of the coin.
As you can imagine, the vast majority of commentaries were visibly violent, to the point of fiercely condemning couples who use surrogacy as a way to become parents.
When I expressed my opinion using the commentary box in this author’s article, I received many private messages from women thanking me. For the first time in their lives, they didn’t feel blamed but understood.

Hatred behaviors and opinions in an online or offline environment are punishable by law because we are talking about the violation of honor and privacy of the private life of others. Portugal has been condemned consecutively for violating this and other rights.

My final advice to conclude this article is: before talking about somebody’s else life or even sharing your life and other matters on social media, think about it twice. Think that your actions, and words, can hurt other people unnecessarily, sometimes based on pure ignorance.

With love,

Alexandra

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Reconditioning Your Core Beliefs to Keep Peace

Many of us experience, throughout life, hardships and other circumstances which erode the ability to believe and accept who we are in nature. However, nothing is set in stone, I must say. But for some reason, an apparent repetition tends to happen, igniting the feeling of catastrophe, that feeling of losing something, of being abandoned one more time.

Self-help books teach us that we should let things go, but we can’t. It’s a phrase being paraphrased – over and over again – by many lips across continents. A recipe that will solve all your problems but turns out: It will not.

Let’s look at this scheme:

As you can see, our environment influences our brain and thinking, the interpretation of reality. Therefore the first step to re-conditioning core beliefs is noticing what kind of information we are taking. What are our attachment styles, and based on that understanding, step by step, start the rewriting of your story. How? Through repetition plus emotion. 

  1. Surround yourself with people that acknowledge and reinforce your positive behaviors.

  2. Stop listening to the same old discourse and people who talk badly or dismiss somebody else’s reality. 

  3. Get real about needs and personality traits.

  4. Turn off television and media platforms, replacing them without fear with a good book (educational, novel, etc). 

In my last article, I mentioned the perils of listening to fake experts, people who only spread ostracism and rejection. Science and social science exist to make us feel safe, understood, and part of the community. These recent social waves are part, like it or not, of political and economic forces.

Be aware of it, and when in doubt, seek credentialed information.

With love,

Alexandra

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What is a Woman?! The Perils of Narcissistic Insanity.

Recently the world has emerged in what I call the madness era of pronouns, the nightmare of well-perceived narcissistic tendencies of people from both barricades emerging from the darkness.
Never in our history have we seen so many entities talking about genes, human biology, hormones, and other stuff to justify their positions.
Some of these “experts” with dead careers have found a way to emerge and perhaps get sympathy from ignorant portions of society, feeding the political and dreadful environments where LGBTQI+ organizations and conservatism coexist.

This ‘conversation’ about what a woman is is insignificant and ridiculous, revealing a profound lack of respect for decades of research. But also a profound disrespect for our species. A social wave based on flattering individuals like Matt Walsh and many others who pretend to be the gods and goddesses of truth. A social wave where clinical/private aspects of human lives are being scrutinized.

A woman or a man isn’t defined only by their genes or chromosomes. Many females are born every day with XY chromosomes but are still females. The Polish former sprinter Ewa Klobukowska is one of those examples, seeing a promising career ending abruptly in 1967 because of her intersex condition. So what is a woman then? Don’t fall into narcissistic tendencies. Instead educate yourself with genuine knowledge not ideologies.

The same rule applies to gender dysphoria, which is not a fashion trend, but a condition that implies real suffering and social isolation from a young age. In Portugal, no children can access reassignment surgeries before eighteen years old. Also, psychological monitoring and two clinical evaluations are mandatory, as well the authorization from the Portuguese Medical Chamber.

We need, at least, equilibrium!

Readings:

Barbone, F. (2015). Epidemiologic considerations on transsexualism. In Carlo
Trombetta, Giovanni Liguori & Michele Bertolotto (Eds.), Management of
gender dysphoria (pp. 39-46). Springer.


Bevan, E, T. (2015). The psychobiology of transsexualism and transgenderism. A
new view based on scientific evidence. PRAEGER.


Bradley, J, S. (1985). Gender disorder in childhood: a formulation. In Betty W.
Steiner (Ed.), Gender dysphoria. Development, Research, Management
(pp. 175-188). PLENUM PRESS.

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The Kindness of Strangers (2019)

The kindness of strangers movie directed by Lone Scherfig amplifies the meaning of kindness. But also what really means empathy. If anger can take away joy and freedom of the spirit, empathy and kindness have the power to transform lives while giving some hope. The lightness washes away the perpetual feeling of emptiness.

What separates us from others, if not the irrational need to contempt instead of just saying: “I need your help”. What about stonewalling? Aren’t sometimes vocabulary a way to strip others from their dignity?

Every single day we are facing cases of domestic violence around the world, seeing women and men killed by their partners. Hate campaigns. The speech, the non-verbal communication embroidered by repulsion, disgust, and fear. What do we pretend with this society? More ghettos? More homicides? Suicides?

The goal of hate is not merely to hurt. But also to irradicate, and destroy, the targe of such feeling. The destructiveness of another human being happens in three dimensions: Mentally, Socially, or Physically.

Think about it and enjoy the movie because sometimes saving a life is synonym of being human.

With love,

Alexandra

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Ricky Gervais’s Show and some Pertinent Societal Questions to Ask!

Ricky Gervais’s show on Netflix was harshly criticized for its humorous approach to the transgender community. However, I think we have in our hands a great opportunity to turn the subject around itself and ask some pertinent questions:

  1. What does it mean to be Trans? Trans what? Are they transcending anything? 

  2. Do you know that the label transgender or transgenderism was created to include people who didn’t define themselves as part of one specific gender?

  3. Do you know transsexuality is not the same as transgenderism, and it is a well-studied neurological condition? By neurological condition, I mean the brain anatomy or morphology belongs to one gender, but the anatomic sexual apparatus develops on the contrary direction. Therefore, the child will experience around the age of 2 or even before an pervasive discomfort.

  4. Do we have the proper education and knowledge, as society, to understand and even help these individuals? 

Now let’s make it even more complicated and forget for now transgenderism and transsexuality:

  1. Do you know that women can be born with XY male chromosomes (Swyer syndrome) and men with XX chromosomes (Chapelle syndrome)?

  2. Do you know what is Morris syndrome or Androgen insensitivity syndrome?

     
  3. What about Rokitansky syndrome? 

The last three questions above are related to serious sexual medical conditions. Are people aware of them? No! Unless they experience it, they won’t know about it. Do we need to know? Absolutely! It can happen to our children and other people close to us.

Concluding: We need humor in our lives, but humor only works when promoting educational and inclusivity messages, even with some sarcasm between the lines. Talking about rapism acts on bathrooms, penis, and new pronouns. There is no contribution to reducing suicide and violent murders among marginalized people.
Marginalization and discrimination happen everywhere with everyone. Let’s keep that on our minds.

My opinion about this topic is this: Medical situations should never be part of the political lobby, nor should either be scrutinized by malicious “ignorants”, where I include journalists, and other related mediatic fields. And the LGBTQIA+ system is part of that reality, that lobby. The more labels we give to people, the more we tear them apart.

Forget the cancel culture. Let’s laugh, but laugh wisely!

With love,

Alexandra

References:

Benjamin, H. (1966). The transexual Phenomenon. The Julian Press.

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The Pain of Not Happening

Us. Many of us experienced, somehow in our lives, the painful feeling of seeing things not happening. It can be a job promotion that never happened, the ending of an essential relationship, or a turnaround in life out of control. What will you do? Runaway? Face the pain and frustration of a shattered reality?

There is no simple answer to this dilemma. How many of us fear uncertainty without understanding that this is an opportunity to rebuild or adjust our character? What is our core, our nucleus, if not the door for living an expanding life? I’m not talking about fast recipes with false premises, trends, and ephemerality results. I’m talking about emotional intelligence, even if, these days, individuals vomit theories about emotional intelligence like having severe flu. Let’s go deeper. What about Unclick? Disconnect? Silence and look within?

The pain of not happening is so essential, like drinking water. Living painfully, I mean facing the pain and without distractions, enables growth and self-knowledge, which won’t happen with avoidance or feeding the loop of blaming, comparing, and degrading the self. Shame, the shame of feeling, the shame of feeling the need for help erodes the ability to build connections with our inner world and others. Remember one thing others will run away from your pain because they don’t want to face their own struggles and the vision that they are not omnipotent.

What can you do?

  1. Write a journal and keep it private. Writing (neurologically speaking) helps the brain get out of volatility and find homeostasis. 
  2. Real friends may only be counted by a few fingers of one of your hands. Keep those.
  3. Identify your needs and meet those by yourself, firstly. Live the pain, scream, and cry. Every emotion must be experienced, even if culturally seems a demonizing thing to do. 
  4. Keep it real! Be yourself. 
  5. Last but not least, seek professional help without excuses if things are getting too much to handle. 

With love,

Alexandra

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Fear of Missing Out: The Real State Nightmare!

Boy meets the girl. The girl meets the boy. Lovely birds in love as the bell is ringing up in the sky. But, oh no, the nightmare will start, there is no perfect nest, the prices are skying high. Who knows this reality? Please put your hand up in the air! 

It strikes me how many couples are suffering from – Fear of missing out syndrome – when it comes to the possibility of buying a house. In reality, housing demand didn’t change that much in the last forty or fifty years. What changed was how the real state industry itself, uses now profound human needs to inflate prices, turning a necessity into show biz. 

Let’s calm down now and think intelligently: 

  1. When the human brain has been indoctrinated almost every day that housing options are scarce or impossible to reach. What do you think will happen? 
  2. What is affordable and what is not? 
  3. What are your necessities long-term versus your dreams?
  4. What were the stories you heard since childhood about buying a house, family matters, etc.? Does buying a property provide you security? Integration in your community? Possibility to raise a family?
  5. Before panicking and listening to unnecessary pieces of advice, what about taking a real plan with someone who can advise based on your financial structure? No one size fits all. 
  6. Are you willing to move to another area and start from zero? Is building a house from scratches cheaper?

The documentary that I’m presenting here today is not just a representation of Australia. But also Portugal and other countries around the world. We are, indeed, facing a terrible moment, not because we had a pandemic for the last two years and now a war, but because of human greediness. If a couple needs a house or even buy land to start a family, isn’t government duty to take over the market regulation as a way to improve natality? Is buying/having a house now a Vanity, not a necessity?

What love birds should look after isn’t the ferocious competition, commercial slogans, but only if what they are buying is worth it, plus how it will affect the quality of their lives together and future children.

Take a deep breath now! What is yours will come to your hand!

With love,

Alexandra

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Society and its Perils

Modern society is facing one of the most trembling moments since its creation. Despite existing many conversations about criminology rates and other societal diseases, few are the ones that touch on the roots causes of such living disasters.
Almost every single day, our eyes and ears are being bombarded by cases of people killing or hurting their partners. We are watching a war happening passively, from which everyone is suffering consequences. Theories such as patriarchy and feminism are ripping off the humanitarian value of connections between men and women. Young generations face a hard time saving enough money to buy their first home or even start a family, while there is no real help or visible incentives to change the situation. Mental health and climate protection are now a trend, where many claims they are experts, not knowing, sometimes, what they are saying.

My first question is: What will we be in the future? What will be the future of our children? Why are we so worried about producing “vain leaders” and businessmen but not so individuals with integrity, empathy, and ethic?

In 1995, Otto Kernberg wrote in his book Love relations – Normality and Pathology – this passage: ” The traditional patriarchal society reinforces sexual promiscuity in men but repudiates it in women. Patriarchal mores may divet narcissistic women’s hatred of men into an exploitative relationship to marriage and children. Feminism, paradoxically, may foster sexual promiscuity in women with narcissistic pathology who identify with an aggressively perceived male sexuality” (p.155). More, Ramani Durvasula (2018), in her book – Don’t you know who I am? – wrote these lines: “It is necessary when writing about relationships with narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, other unstable personalities, and overall toxic behavior to also address domestic violence (sometimes termed “intrafamilial violence” or “intimate partner violence”). One in three women and one in four men have been physically abused by an intimate partner” (p.193).

Here’s my second question: Why do we permit television “specialists” to talk about domestic violence in a validating way? Because when not addressing the real motive of this behavior, exists the normalization of it, even if it is implicit. Why exists this inherent fear of talking about pathologies that provokes erratic behavior? Isn’t society a community responsible for preserving our mental and physical well-being?

Durvasula (2018) adds: “Law enforcement, legal, and judicial systems are not set up to adequately address domestic violence” (p.195).
I will also add something that a lawyer said recently in Portugal “the law is open and depends on judge interpretation”. Therefore there is no – justice -, and in the end, it just depends on what kind of personality the judge has. Based on his/her’s personality, you will see how the case will end in court.

Last but not least. New generations who want to buy their first home and build a family, what are their options? Is financial advising one of those options? How much should a couple spend on their first acquisition? Should a couple think long-term and even equate the possibility of buying a plot of dirt big enough for their children to build a house also? How much is too much, and how could society change real estate inflation?

“Those who educate children well are more to be honored than they who produce them; for these only gave them life, those the art of living well.” – Aristotle

With love,

Alexandra

References:

Durvasula, R. (2018). “Don’t You know Who I am?” – How to stay sane in an era of narcissism, entitlement, and incivility. Post Hill Press.

Kernberg, F. O. (1995). Love Relations, Normality and Pathology. Yale University Press.

Image credits:

© Osama Hajjaj

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The Journey

The journey has scents
advances and retreats
Dreams sometimes lost
Steps towards love.

The journey is fragile
sometimes manly
seemingly that everything passes us
through the skin that gives us race.

The journey, perhaps, a vehicle of illusion
in a mixture of faith seeking the lost paradise
stripped of death, we follow the north
searching for souls that might comfort us.

© 2022 Alexandra Santos. All rights reserved. Photo included

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Women: The Power of living

This could be a typical article loaded with empowering messages about women. However, it seems much more interesting to me to present what I consider the best album of 2022 by a female artist. The singer LÉON doesn’t require a presentation. Although her magnificent voice can penetrate our hearing and soul, the truth is the writing skills revealed in her lyrics allow us to travel through time where we can re-visit remarkable moments of our lives.

Circles, the name of LÉON’s new album, ‘toast us’ with a vintage vibe embroidered with background melodies that take us back to the 70s and 80s of the last century while exploring the most vulnerable parts of the SELF. In reality, the journey of the Self is a lonely journey fulfilled with many ups and downs, but in the end, a rewarding experience that provides maturity. The only antidote against stagnation is the ability to move forward into the deepness of unknown new places where the only answer allowed is the striptease of the heart.

Today is Women’s day. But what does it mean to be a woman? Is being a woman marasmus of conceptions that lead nowhere? Competition for the spotlight? I don’t believe in narcissistic theories. Being a woman is all about awareness, the internalization of the impactful roles that we play in our societies, families, and intimate relationships.

Recently Naomi Campbell, British vogue – March ’22, revealed that she experienced motherhood for the very first time at 51 years old, advising other women to do the same. Why not? Isn’t Campbell’s story a clear example that we should only follow what is relevant (FOR US) and NOT what others (society) expect? We need to free our minds from castrating dogmas that only erode our essence and singularity.

Photo: Reproduction/Vogue UK)

I hope that you enjoy LÉON’s new album, inspiring yourself enough to endorse the true meaning of the word woman or man. We are much more than bodies, sexes, or names. We are the humanizing strength in which we colorize our experiences, desires, and dreams.

With Love,

© 2022 Alexandra Santos. All rights reserved.

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Ukraine: What do we have to Learn as Civilizations?

This article won’t be long demagogy about what is correct or not because it’s obvious to everyone that this war between Russia and Ukraine is the result of profound disregard for the sovereignty/autonomy of one nation. However, everyone should learn something from it and apply the lesson taken into their lives.

  1. We are all part of one cultural, social, and family system. But we cannot be judged for being part of that system just because it represents our nationality. Vladimir Putin doesn’t represent all Russians, but all Russians will suffer the repercussions of his decisions and actions. Is it fair? Not really. The penalization of one entire country because of head state mismanagement erodes the principles of freedom and citizenship.

  2. Volodymyr Zelensky has given a white glove slap to some European politicians when he refused to leave Ukraine. Heroism? What he is doing right now for Ukraine, is what we all should do for what is rightfully ours. These days the word diplomacy is thrown out into the wind as if there is no tomorrow. But in the shadow of that very same diplomacy. War crimes still exist, forcing people to seek shelter in foreign countries.

  3. While the world was distracted and worried about the pandemic, an individual or several individuals orchestrated a war taking advantage of existing weaknesses. Don’t we have to be more careful? Don’t we have to be more conscientious when electing our governments? But also braver in our decisions and not cowardly delegate our sovereignty to others?

We are witnessing history repetition that was thought to be dead and buried, the bombardment of unnecessary information on social media and mass media. A profound disregard for our rights as humans and our civil integrity. All this reminds me of one song by Cher – Heart of Stone – where she sings those lines:

“Get the picture
No room for the innocent
Peak season in lonely town
Knocked out of the ring by love
Are you down and up
Or up and down

Don’t you sometimes
Wish you heart was a heart of stone”

With love,

Alexandra

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ONE DAY!

“One Day” – although it is a movie from 2011, carries within a valuable message for all of us. Letting go of the ones who truly love us can turn out in one of the biggest mistakes of our lives. Not because we can’t re-connect with them down the road, but because life and circumstances that we cannot control might steal from us forever that person.

It is obvious or seemingly evident that everyone is looking for chemistry. But is the chemistry enough to sustain a prosperous and healthy relationship?

Here are some hard truths about relationships:

1 – Relationships require work to build the bond and excel your potential as a couple. Every relationship at some point will reach the power struggle phase, so the more preparation you collect over time, the better.

2 – Doubts are part of the process. By this, I mean that will be days where doubts will daunt our minds, not because there is something wrong with the relationship, us, or our partner. But because having doubts are opportunities to explore our needs and desires. Remember that communication is the key to success, and please don’t assume there is something wrong or that you are with the wrong person.

3 – At some point, disagreements and hurt will occur.

4 – Don’t buy yourself short into theories such as “soul mates”. One of the biggest problems in relationships is when one, or both partners, believe that their soulmate is somewhere waiting for them and everything will be easy. This fantasy has made many individuals remain single and even lose the real love of their lives.

5 – Our partners are our intimate mirrors. Some people might claim that their friends and families are the ones who truly understand them. However, our intimate partners are the ones that capture perfectly our lightful side but also the shadow side.

6 – The right partner, men or women, is the one who will make hard decisions in tough times. The one with open arms will protect you with the feeling of being at home.

To conclude, I will paraphrase Gottman Institute “Go for your life partner, not your prom Date”. The so-called desirable lust and easiness, you can find it around the corner or on dating apps. Finding your life partner requires a shift in your mindset and selection process. If you have found that person already, give them all the right reasons to stay because later can be too late.

With love,

Alexandra

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Let’s stop Female Rivalry!

 Whether you like it or not, and despite all the fabulous theories around feminism and patriarchy, women are engaging more than ever in rivalry behaviors that not only hurt themselves. But also diminish their value as human beings. It doesn’t matter if they seem to be the “last cookie in the world”, female rivalry because of men or economic factors only demonstrates character disruptions, and yes, we should stop it! 

How do we stop Female rivalry? By stoping relational aggression focused on same-sex peers. 

Forms or relational aggression towards another woman and why it can work: 

  1. Withholding positive information about competitors and strategically using negative information. Or gossip to undermine the status and attractiveness of same-sex competitors (Fisher, 2010; Geary, 2019). 

  2. The Usage of social media to spread gossip. Or social manipulation to fight over a would-be “perceived” boyfriend or husband material (White, 2011; Geary, 2019).

  3.  When “done well and judiciously, engaging in gossip can also enhance one’s own status within the group or solidify existing friendships” (Geary, 2019). 

  4. “This form of aggression can be an effective strategy because humans are a highly social species and are dependent on the social support and goodwill of others in their community” (Geary, 2019).

Who is the target of relational aggression?

Girls and women who capture the attention of the opposite sex are often targets of relational aggression. According to Noam Shpancer (2014), “high status and very attractive women need less help and protection from other women and are less motivated to invest in other women (who represent potential competition). Thus, a woman who tries to distinguish or promote herself threatens other women and will encounter hostility.”
Another manipulation tactic is when an attractive and powerful woman who stands out from the crown is on the “house”, threatened women tend to “insisting on standards of equality, uniformity, and sharing for all the women in the group and making these attributes the normative requirements of proper femininity” (Shpancer, 2014).

How do men respond in these contexts?

It depends. But as mentioned by David Geary (2019). Men tend not to be aware and miss the subtleness of this form of aggression, not knowing how to respond to it. More often than they should, the response is withdrawing, which is the goal of relational aggression between women. And this withdrawal in the ultimate analysis normalizes unacceptable behavior.

The more we talk about this and take action, the sooner or later it will disappear. In my last relationship, I faced what is described in this article, and two years after the breakup, it happened again.

The sad part of it is, I can tell that men, most of the time, aren’t aware of what is going on and don’t know how to respond. Or when they do respond, they want to avoid conflict, which leads to sentences like “you are imagining things”, believing in the gossip, dismissing reality. Or any source of uncomfortable feelings.

However, we shouldn’t blame men or take the blame toward ourselves.
Our battle should never be to prove who we are or our veracity.

As women with power, we cannot deal with insecure women. And compete with them because of men or anything else is a waste of time and energy. It is our duty to be responsible for our actions and never enable any hurtful behavior.

More, if you are a powerful and beautiful woman. Don’t let others derogate your character or play by their rules. Don’t downgrade yourself to please others. When we don’t fit the culture, we create our culture.

To conclude, I hope men who will read this article take into consideration these things: 

  1. The competition happens not because of you but only because of the woman you have or had by your side. Her value is the “threat”.

  2. Ask yourself if you want to lose good relationships and good people from your life because of gossip and made-up stories. 

  3. How many times will you regret not taking action after knowing your partner was genuinely speaking the truth and by your side?

  4. Setbacks and challenges are inevitable on the path of success for relationships or life in general. Do you want to surround yourself with people who undermine the value of your partner? Or protect your powerful partner because she will add value to your life and everyone knows that? 

  5. Powerful women bring a lot to the table. Bring a lot to their partner’s lives. Therefore it can trigger unconscious fears. Fear of intimacy is one of them. As Robert Firestone and Joyce Catlett (1999) mentioned, fear of intimacy can be reproduced in multiples forms: Withholding affection; becoming paranoid or suspicious of a partner; losing interest sexually; being overly critical of a partner but protecting others; Reacting indifferently or adversely to affection; pushing away partners who can truly love and accept who we are.

I hope this article echoes within your soul. Let’s protect good people and good relationships.

With love,

Alexandra

References:

Firestone, W. R., Catlett, J. (1999). Fear of Intimacy. American Psychological Association. USA.

Fisher, M. (2010). Romance is dead: Reflections on today’s dating scene. If romance is dead, what comes next?. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/loves-evolver/201006/romance-is-dead-reflections-todays-dating-scene

Geary, D. (2019). Do Women Fight? Female-female competition in an evolutionary context. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/male-female/201908/do-women-fight

Shpancer, N. (2014). Feminine Foes: New Science Explores Female Competition. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-therapy/201401/feminine-foes-new-science-explores-female-competition

White, D. M. (2011). The Game Theory of Female Competition. Is competition for mates self-defeating? https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/maybe-its-just-me/201102/the-game-theory-female-competition



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Tears for Fears, Rewriting the Meaning of Being a Powerful Woman

“She’s the fire and the fallout
She reminds you of the things we never talk about
She’s the lover with the best-laid plan
To break the man
She’s the trouble in the headline
She’s the mother who turns back father time
She’s the devil you understand
Break the man”

After seventeen years without releasing a new album, next February, the British Rock New Wave band Tears for Fears will debut their brand new album called “The Tipping Point”.

Yesterday, a brand new single was revealed under the name: “Break the Name”. “Break the Man” tells the story of all those women capable of changing a men’s life for good, the unforgettable woman, the unforgettable friend, and lover. Paying close attention to the lyrics, we can find a connection between this single and 1989 single – – Woman in Chains – as this last one talks about the necessity for a woman lives free from repressive archetypes. Once the chains are broken, one woman can truly love a man and change his life because she will take the lead while teaching emotional freedom. In truth, the reality of existing and being in some women, the feeling of being free. Sadly, it makes other women still imprisoned in their dilemmas seek revenge and competition.

Yes, some women do compete for men! They can be unconscious competitions and, in some cases, disguised under the context of doing something else. Either way is sad for me, at least, to look at these games to attract or keep a man. Of course, some guys might fall into such tactics if they are insecure, somehow needy, emotionally unavailable, or possess narcissistic traits. The rule is simple game attracts game, veracity attracts veracity aka intentionality attracts emotionally healthy people.

“Break The Man” wants to teach men to identify women who are “the catch”, “the big deal”. Because in the last two decades has been popularized this idea that powerful women intimidate men. Nothing farther from the truth. Factually, many women adopted this idea to avoid responsibility in the art of living and loving.

Emotional stable women won’t compete for men. In truth, it will be a turn-off, and they will leave without regrets even if the guy seems to be, at first glance, appealing. Stable women will invade your life with positivity standing by your side and reaching out with insightful conversations that you never had. “She’s the fire and the fallout. She reminds you of the things we never talk about. She’s the lover with the best-laid plan.”

With Love,

Alexandra

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Look for a Life Partner, Wisely!

Any justification to our behavior we are just limiting ourselves we our growth.

The end of 2021 brought back to the table something that I was expecting to happen. For some reasons that I can’t describe, my intuition was constantly whispering in my ear that my ex-partner would reappear to obtain closure. We exchanged emails, and I can tell how liberating it was even for me.

Sometimes couples are good for each other, but as Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe pointed out in their findings, life-changing stressful events can break a relationship, and stress can have a more powerful negative effect in men than in women.

Dating for me was always something to take seriously and proceed with intentionality. Essentially, when looking for a life partner, not for a prom date. We should look for emotional stability, loyalty, the ability to make hard decisions, and compromise with growth in a man or woman. It was, however, a difficult task not because good men don’t exist but because of lust and superficial attributes such as looks, height, etc. My questions weren’t if I would live a fairytale/love story with someone. But if that someone could assist me during a health breakdown or show up to our kids parent-teacher conference. Perhaps it does sound too serious or heavy, but believe me, if you are looking for a life partner, those are the traits that should serve as a guide for your search.

You may have shared interests. You may feel limerence when with them. But when dating with intentionality, priorities are reliability and stability. And no dating app or social media can provide you that. Awareness and sovereignty are the necessary requisites to achieve your goal.

He contacted me after two years of our breakup, and this time, we had the chance to clarify what went wrong. We do have a beautiful attachment. But the best gift of love I could give to him was to let him go but not without knowing first how much I care about him and that I will always be a secure base in times of need. Of course, I still have feelings for him, and although I would be willing to build a relationship from scratch with him, he is still searching for his calling and place in this world. Under those circumstances, I’m not sure how it would turn out.

My duty is, with some distance, to see him spread his wings and fly. No, no poetry in these words, only humanity and true love. As I mentioned to him, he is not my ex. He is the man who possesses a chair in my arena next to my loved ones, and he will be here (my heart) till the day I disappear from this world.

Shall we love other people? Absolutely, with time! But I always recommend dating with intentionality and not only based on mutual interests or looks. I don’t recommend jumping into another long-term relationship while having a divorce. I don’t care what society thinks about it, what I know from life and professional experience. Is that if you jump into another relationship without processing your emotions. You are misleading yourself and sadly involving another human being in unnecessary heartbreak. Plus, publicizing your new relationship on social media while going through a divorce should be the motto to the following reflection: Why the hell do I need to share on social media my new “marital status”?

You can ask me: Alexandra are you dating? My answer is no, and honestly, I am really thinking about independent motherhood, something I’ve been considering since 29 as I have my eggs preserved, but life took me in another direction.

Be free, be you!

With love,

Alexandra

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New Years are Redemption Opportunities

Father António Vieira said: “Many don’t have their hearts inside themselves, but outside and very far away, outside because they don’t nurture their selves, very far away because they only care or look after mundane and temporal things. 

Pandemic was an invitation for self-discovering and self-reflection. It will be ridiculous to say that we live in the middle of angels. But in and with the truth we can tell that exist really good people in their nature, and bad people who will never change no matter what. Showing compassion is the key to navigating in peace in what tends to be a short life. I’m not talking about forgiveness because forgiveness can not be applied in reverie. Funny how the sentence – you have to forgive – is released in the wind like something simple, like a magic wand to erase all the world ailments. 

More than seeking the perfect life and lover, ask within what is hurting. Fear of loneliness? Fear of intimacy? Fear of being trapped? I would like you to ask yourself what moves your world and aspirations. I would like you to analyze with telescopic eyes what went wrong and do better now. 

New years are redemption opportunities. However, there is something we must take into consideration, our subconscious mind. Without taking on board our subconscious mind, which is responsible for processing 20 million bits per second of information, the necessary changes in our lives won’t happen.

In the next article, I will explain how we can reprogram our subconscious minds.


With love.

© 2022 Alexandra Santos. All rights reserved

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Overcoming Emotional Burnout: My Journey

Today I’m writing the last article of 2021. For that reason, it will be written with personal inputs and from the heart. Some paradigms related to human existence and society can change using life experiences, as long as shared with contextualization and to the correct audience.

In 2020 – (End of January) – I was diagnosed with emotional burnout or emotional exhaustion because of accumulated stress from my personal and work life. As Franchell Richard-Hamilton mention in – Burnout: An emotional and psychological warfare – emotional exhaustion is a state that makes us feel like going through a dark tunnel. I never felt so sick and drained in my entire life, nor when I dealt with Rokitansky syndrome in my late teens. The first signs I remember experiencing were brain fog, intense physical fatigue, mood changes, anxiety, and panic attacks. Actually, my body couldn’t stand any longer with all the demands and lack of respect that had occurred until then. My inner voice was screaming softly – It’s time to stop, Alexandra -. However, I was running from the responsibility of taking care of myself and my needs. I wasn’t being easy on me after all.

It took me more than one year to fully recover. I needed a long break and, gladly, I had family support throughout this journey. Working out in nature and cycling were helpful to stabilize my endocrine and immune system. You may ask how I end up with emotional burnout when I have “all” the skills to avoid it. No one is immune to it, and no one is perfect. However, I could identify what was going on and seek professional help in time. I was carrying too much, blaming myself for others’ insufficiencies. Sacrificing and diminishing the woman that I am to save what? To make others what? Happy?! How can someone be happy or even see who you are if they don’t like or aren’t sure about themselves?

I came from a stable home, a home that taught me to talk openly, fearless about my feelings and needs. But at work and in my personal life, I was editing myself, losing my power over non-sense, losing my self-confidence and discernment because of constant gaslighting and illusionism. There was no legal or emotional support. I was there in the middle of this nightmare arena like an exotic animal, chained and spiked. At least, I tried. I didn’t run away from anything or anyone like I saw many doing. I stood for myself, for what I believe, and ended a cycle of abuse. While the voice of my grandfather and his vibrato was echoing inside my ears saying: “Live bravely but live”.

All the doors were closed. I was returning home slowly but with confidence. I took myself from an obsolete state of spirit, lifting my life, holding hands with those I love, my golden treasure. I am where I should be, doing what I should do. Returning to university after so many years has been a great experience. I needed to give my brain and soul more knowledge. About the dating sphere in my life, I’m enjoying my time alone even though I know there are plenty of great men out there. He will come into my life naturally. I’m sure about it.

My Birthday, October 2021

Society and people, in general, need to be called out, assuming the reins of social liability. Vanity should be thrown out the window while raging adequate conditions where everyone feels safe. Today we are living the fantasy of a global community. When the truth is everyone is “dying” in their bubble, turning heads to what feels uncomfortable denying help to those in need.

Christmas isn’t a button you turn on, and everyone is happy celebrating. That’s hypocrisy, not Christmas.

If you are experiencing exhaustion talk about it to those close to you. Seek professional help and quit all stressors in your life. Be it your work, personal relationships, or both. Yes, it will be a scary place to go, but we all live once.

The night won’t stop you from leaving. The wind is calling. Have the courage to be happy. For you, above all for you!

Merry Christmas a see you next year!

With love,

Alexandra

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To be Loved by Adele

This music from Adele always makes me think how much people really try to nurture their intimate relationships. How far they know their’s partners’ needs. How much they communicate with each other adequately. Love died, or hidden internal issues and wounds are getting on the way? What connection and intimacy assumptions were built over time? Truly, this song can be a great moment for self-reflection. 

Rare are the relationships where the couple speaks the same language. Or those who bravely navigate with wisdom the turbulent waters of emotional inadequacy. It’s easier, without judgment, to give up and find a more “attractive flame”. 

Recently someone asked if I’m willing to date again. My answer was no, one honest no. My focus now is on my academic journey and building a better life after finishing it. I know I don’t have attachment issues, and it is easier to connect with someone else. But would it be fair to start a relationship knowing that I am rebuilding my entire life? Honestly, I didn’t have experiences in the past showing the contrary. They were great examples to make me remain single now and enjoy this season of life. My lesson was while going through major life changes. People may walk away from your life when you need it the most, which doesn’t necessarily make them bad people but makes you wiser about selection and timing.

Self-love isn’t the cure for all ailments. Dealing with another person requires maturity and having at least all drawers in the right place. 

With love,

Alexandra

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The Neediness Trap: Set Yourself Free

Although some individuals are inherently needy because of past traumatic events and lack emotional support from family members or peers, there is a common explanation that says you might be a needy person while searching for answers as a way to understand your reality.

The neediness trap is used by those who want to avoid confrontation. And assume responsibility for the consequences of their behavior, making you feel guilty and question the reality of the facts. As I mentioned in previous articles, the human brain isn’t designed to deal with nonsense, requiring as much information as possible to feel secure in the surrounded environment. So when you see someone acting like crazy searching for an explanation, before any judgment, ask yourself why this person needs so much an answer and what might be the reason behind it.

We hear, all the time, everyone talking about physical violence, but emotional abuse is more prevalent than we imagine leading to deep mental confusion.

If someone denies your reality, it is abuse. If someone is calling you needy or too sensitive, it is abuse. Lack of emotional education and emotional responsibility towards another human being is abuse. Does everyone do this consistently or consciously? In many cases, no! But, how many more years will you live? What do you need to feel safe in your relationships, workplaces, and social life?

Keep this in mind: You are here to live your experience to the fullest, not to be the clown of somebody else’s circus.

With love,

Alexandra

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Adult Conjugality

Sometimes I’m sitting at coffee shops, and I listen to people talking about their personal lives. Intimate relationships are almost, if not always, the best topic to hear, leading afterward to moments of self-reflection. I may wonder why, even though I know the reason, people remain single. I’m talking about those who know to make a relationship work and how to sustain it. These days there is so much lack of clarity, so much scarcity of inner direction, that it may take courage to stand out from the crowd. It takes courage to tell somebody – “I want you!” or “I love you!”.

Entire generations live confined looking at the screens of their smartphones. Perhaps, they have multiple dating apps, which is an addiction eroding the power of getting to know someone. Funny how “John” or “Mary” says they want to receive or give love. But run away from it or can’t verbalize their loving preferences.

What about casual sex? Why, even if you search on the internet, the top questions are “he/she pulled away after having sex, what should I do?” or ” How can I make him/her chase me, after sex?”. Why do those questions happen in what we call modern society? Why do we want someone to chase us? Chase? Why chase? And why do we need shortcut pieces of advice? Or buy stupid books with no scientifically proven facts of human psychology and biology?
Because part of us, based on fear, wants to dismiss the responsibility of taking care of another human being, while the other fragment of us still wants to attach.

So, you may ask, what is then adult conjugality? It is the art of into me you see shadows and lighting personality traces. We are the perfect mirrors of those who interact with us intimately. We mirror their scarcities and their strengths. So at the end of the day, I ask you, why do we need someone to chase us? Aren’t you tired of avoidant intimacy games? Aren’t you exhausted of false hopes and interpretations when using direct communication is the key?

Allow yourself to escape restrictive-painful stories about what is correct or not. It’s your prerogative to decide what’s best for you and your life. Some people remain single and even avoid dating altogether because of nonsense tiredness around partner selection.

Adult conjugality requires focus, understanding, and time. Time to cement feelings of mutuality and companionship.

With love,

Alexandra

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You had Sex with Him, but Something Changed!

DISCLAIMER: THE INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY, CAN GO BOTH WAYS, AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE.

Let’s say you met this man, interactions made you feel good, going out with him was incredible, and consciously, you decided to have sex with him. However, after having sex, a shift occurred. Maybe he doesn’t interact with you like before, perhaps he disappeared, or worst-case scenario, you are beating yourself up regretting your decision.

Darling, stop right there!

First of all: You slept with him. OWN IT!

Secondly: These days, let’s be honest, men and women are preloaded with bad experiences from their past, waiting for your craziness to come out at any moment. Plus, there is not much incentive for exclusivity.

Thirdly: Although there is a biological reason for this situation, I would like you not to chase or wonder why he disappeared. You must feel good about yourself and understand that we cannot control the outcome. We can only control our actions and feelings.

Biologically speaking, when we have sex with a man, our estrogen and oxytocin levels reach a peak, promoting the bonding or attachment process to that person specifically. So, after sex, we will crave his attention and interactions as an animal survival instinct. Remember that we are humans but animals at the same time.

However, for men or some men, it works differently. They will pursue because they like us, are attracted to us at least physically. But also, there is this inherent need to spread genes. After having sex, men’s testosterone levels will drop, and estrogen will be too high. Unless sex addiction is on the equation on his side, there will be the need to pull away to rebuild their normal levels of testosterone and perhaps, after, come back to you.

Meanwhile, I don’t want you to beat yourself up thinking that he disappeared because he didn’t like the sex with you or because you didn’t have time to build an emotional connection with him. Endorse your sexuality and desire with no shameful thoughts and if he does not return to your interaction, wish him well and let it go.

Do not put your life on hold. Don’t change your vibe or try to punish him with selfish and crazy games taught all over the internet. Respect and own your decision, never losing from your sight who you are. By this, you will not chase him because you know that people can change their minds. You had sex with him because you liked him. And you know what? His loss if he disappears.

Endorse your sexuality and desire with no shameful thoughts. You slept with the Guy. OWN IT!

With love,

Alexandra

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Why Can’t You Find a Partner?

It might sound like a silly question, and perhaps you keep telling yourself that it is just bad luck. Well, maybe you want a situationship or a non-monogamous dynamic, but what about if you want a monogamous and long-term relationship?

Let’s forget the “bad luck” justification and bring to the table the real reason: the idea that you deserve to be punished.

Did you ever have this nausea feeling when you heard from kind people sincere eulogies? But at the same time, you felt compelled to chase mean-minded partners? Did you ever ask yourself the reason why you tend to repel great people but feel great excitement around those who don’t call you back or don’t invest their time genuinely getting to know you? Are you an adult now?

To answer those questions above, one of the reasons might be your childhood roots. But if going back can threaten your feelings, we can start from something more simple like asking: “Why I don’t like John or Kelly, even knowing that they are attractive and so kind to me?”. “What do I want from a relationship, and what is a romantic interaction to me?”.

Bring the answer to your conscious mind, take a deep breath, and read now my words: You deserve a real and trusting, loving romantic connection.

Kind people are generally very far from dull or stupid. In reality, affectionate people are very attuned with their emotions. And easily can see what you don’t observe about yourself: your uniqueness!

The moment you sit down, bringing to your conscious mind what you need to change, it is precisely the moment that you will stop chasing unavailable people. Sometimes all we need is a moment of clarity and profound loneliness to understand our patterns and inner unavailability to accept realness and kindness.

How do I know this? Well, from psychology and life experience.

Let me add something more here: If your vagina is receiving a penis, or you are inserting a penis in one vagina, YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO ASK WHERE THE RELATIONSHIP IS GOING AND IF YOU ARE ON THE SAME PAGE!

It is healthy and expected to label a relationship. But be sure that you do that with available people. With men and women who can see you and accept whatever you possess within. By removing your body and mind from what feels comfortable, you are opening new doors, new possibilities, and trust me, looking at kindhearted individuals will be a brand newish thrilling experience.

With love,

Alexandra

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Should You Talk About Your Past With Your Partner? Yes, but Not as You Think!

One of the main principles for an intimate relationship to develop appropriately is vulnerability. Within vulnerability clothing, both partners will share their authentic selves, build trust and construct the central point of intimacy.

However, many people struggle with the timing and how to disclose past experiences to their significant other. 

Should you talk about your past with your partners? Yes, but not as you think! 

It is essential for you to feel safe to share your past, but most importantly, sharing isn’t equal to vomiting. When we get to know someone, vetting or dating, it is easy to follow up all the excitement at the beginning of one relationship and share too much too soon. 

These days people use their first dates not to ask key questions for selection but to share hurdles and hurtful past experiences, establishing comparisons to previous connections. 

I’m sorry, bebé! You are doing it all wrong! 

Here are the reasons: 

  1. When you share right away your hurdles and hurtful experiences, you are showing up emotional unavailability. 
  2. You don’t allow the other person to conquer the right to know your story.
  3. Sharing your past annihilates the person who you are in the present. 

When should you share your past, and how to share it?

  1. You should share your past gradually, without sordid details, within a relationship. It will make you feel closer to your partner.

  2. Remember to tell how those experiences impacted you positively and how you overcame them.

  3. If you have mental health problems (bipolar, depression, chronic anxiety, etc), be sure to use them not as an excuse to escape the relationship or discard your partner. But because you want them to know what’s going on with you, genuinely. Be prepared to answer all the questions and educate them to deal with you when in a crisis. 

  4. You have to feel safe, and you are the only one who knows when is the right timing to share.

  5. Understand if your partner has empathy and is willing to share also something significant. A partner with trust issues is someone who will never be able to share crucial details of their lives with us. 

It is impressive how people use the word “honesty” to disrespect others. When someone shares with you that they have mental health problems and disappear, that’s disrespectful.
If you share details of your life and your partner share those details with family or friends, that’s disrespectful. 
The same rule applies to those who come strong after you and then disappear, for now, reappearing again later. It is disrespectful.

Be wise to use the vetting process adequately and do not fall into unnecessary dating traps. And yes, delay sex as much as possible, not because you are playing hard to get, but for your mental and emotional safety.

With love,

Alexandra

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‘Thirty Heaven’

It is my birthday today, ‘Thirty Heaven’ voyages in what seems to be, at least for now, a short life. 

I could write a lot, I could. But one of the greatest lessons that I will carry no matter where I go is, as long as we are pure enough, life will never throw us apart from our final destiny. It Might sound poetic, but it is what it is. Never judge a beautiful face without knowing the story behind it. Dive deep and be curious. Remove yourself from the so-called comfort zone. Embrace people who possess the brilliant understanding of bringing new oxygen into your life. Yes, the ones who are vocal about their opinions and want to teach you new lessons… with those, you will grow. 

I am the Wonder Woman outside the big screen. I am who I am, a butterfly. The tall chick who used to climb trees when she was a child. The little girl who used to play with animals on her farm. I still have alive within me the little girl that I was. Perhaps that’s why I look young. 

Beauty doesn’t require editions or filters. But it does demand attitude and character. Behind every material beauty, there is a heartfelt story. No likes, comments, or virtual ambiances can ever replace genes’ power and the warmth of human blood running through veins. 

Perfection doesn’t exist. It is a utopia that everyone wants to sell you all the time. If you can, don’t buy it. Don’t be another slave without conscience in this chaotic neverland. Be free with authenticity. Be the bird in the sky and the lion on earth. Just Be. Be because that is why you are here. 

Be the love you want to receive. Be the flame of a sacred heart. 

Ah… Happy Birthday, Alexandra, for your 37 springs.  

Happy Birthday, Wonder Woman. It is your 80th anniversary, eighty years feeding the imagination of many people around the world. 

With love,

Alexandra 

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Live by Design, Not by Default

I was unquestionably in what, I can recall, the journey towards my rejuvenated existence. The ride between heaven and hell where I could only rely on myself, on my routine and intuition to feel safe. I saw so much bullshit, so much unnecessary drama and unfairness, that it was my decision to let it go. 
Inevitably, humans perceived as solid don’t receive much support from others, maybe because they don’t know how to ask for help. Perhaps they do know how to fix things and don’t want others to get involved. 

I could find impressive mentalities who are still today my close friends. I found love. Love was gone. But within the waves of my unintelligible sorrow, I managed to swim to dry land. After all, I am a mixture between one wild animal and a diva. Everyone should be themselves and only themselves. 

Our today’s world scares the hell of me, and believe when I say that few are the things that can scare me. One way or another, all I see is pretension. The world pretends to be something while giving labels to categorize people. Men and women these days aren’t unchained. They don’t know what freedom is and what they call freedom, I call silent slavery. Look at the numbers of suicide and see how many men kill themselves every single day. Suicide is the red line, the line to the other side away from where existence steals oxygen. 

We live absolutely in dimensional hypocrisy, where the words patriarch and feminism circulate from one mouth to another to justify behaviors and erratic visions of life. Men aren’t the same. And I wish that some men could have better mothers and families because it does make the difference. I wish women could stop behaving as serial production models but only be themselves without following fashionable. Or ‘market’ thought tendencies. 
Relationships these days fail because one or both partners lives the fantasy of economic romance – I am only with you as long as you don’t give much trouble because otherwise, I will exchange you for another product – a repetitive cycle. 

Wouldn’t it be easy to calm down and look inwards? Wouldn’t it be easy to stop being so desperate to have someone, to have sex, to have a trophy as manners to justify apparent invincibility? Why the need to be like everybody else when everyone is inherently different? 

With this brief reflection, I invite everyone to the following exercise: Find a moment of loneliness and think about people you met once who were facing troubled moments. Ask yourself if you were there for them. Ask yourself if you left them based on your fears and why. What about yourself? How much are you there for your own self? How many times have you abandoned yourself? Why do you want to please other people, and why can’t you deal with your inevitable loneliness? 

Psychologically structured individuals do not come from an easy life. But because with suffering, one grows. 

That’s all I have for today.

x

Alexandra

Credits:

Photography: ©2021 Alexandra Santos

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The Rising Sun

I have learned (like always has been) a lot about myself in these last two years. It seemed like somehow I felt that I died and, in truth, I let myself die. I allowed it to happen, the death. Death arrived. The death of some parts of myself that I didn’t want to deal with anymore. The death of one life that didn’t make sense to live anymore. A scream that I felt almost every day daunting deep inside me saying – “dawn”. It has been my journey. Live and die. Revive and love. It isn’t fatalism but reality, an overwhelming commotion, a punch in my soul that left a dent. A breath of unease that said – ‘wakeup’.

I have been writing a lot lately, organizing my thoughts, organizing my heart. Organizing my life, organizing myself in what seems to be for all of us one of the biggest challenges of subsistence the need to find security.

Some might surrender themselves or settle down for something else. But that, that wouldn’t be good to my spirit. I don’t renounce. I don’t accept what I don’t want, and this is not a matter of intensity. But just an enormous need of living.

I don’t have loose parts to offer, neither portions of other people who passed through my life and faded away for some reason. I have myself. That’s what I have, authenticity.
After so much inner turmoil where I had to send myself through the death of my spirit, I might say now that I finally found my way back home, the conviction of being free, the certainty of finding my feeling again.

I love who can touch my soul and my body. Maybe one day we will meet. The unknown who will surprise. The undisclosed who, perhaps, had such a long journey like me and like lighthouses we will find each other. No worries, no hurries. I can not understand people who jump from one relationship to another after saying so many times, ‘I love you’s.’ Maybe living a fantasy or trying to find themselves in the middle of nowhere.

Gladly I still see the sun rising. Gladly I am alive.

And this is what I may call emotional intelligence walking alongside intellectual maturity.

x

Alexandra

Credits:

Photography: ©2021 Alexandra Santos

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Letting You Go

Funny how everything is gone
feelings, the woman I used to be
How I used to see and feel you
Goodbye without dwelling it on.

I loved you, never faked it
neither, lied about it
Felt my heart ripped in your hands, baby
a lump cutting off my throat, I admit.

Was it wasting my time?
I can’t remember, I can’t describe
On a golden plate, I gave it all.
I thought it was love for a lifetime.

I Didn’t want you to save me
even though sometimes I felt in the dark.
Dissolving my soul between the dust,
rebuilding what I was supposed to be.

For you, maybe, I was a vicious passage.
Temporary stamina to help you found out
how true love can be such a great voyage.
It was my way back home with courage.

I could let you go. It was over
I want you to find your way back home
True love, genuine sentimental investment
translucent without frontier.

Missing you, somehow, for the rest of my existence.
Transmuting what was love into a memory
I hope you know, with honor I will.
Goodbye, my love with, one sentence.

Goodbye.

© 2021 Alexandra Santos. All rights reserved.

Photo: © Jennifer Williams
Check out Jennifer’s work on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jenniferwilliams.__/
and her’s official website: https://jenniferwilliams.com

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Embracing

There is no reason to love me like a fool
drowning in suspicious waters of despair
When the world tries to tear us apart
let’s dance within the magic cool.

People love to talk about love,
some are good writing words of it
but what about living?
Who dares to embrace the divine undreamed of?

Emotional prostitution denies
the outstanding power of affection
against the scarcity of whimsical flavors
where your tongue, my love, lies.

Silence is a lie when you have something to say
revealing immaturity and emotional disturbance
immortal vulnerability fear, I shouldn’t be here
saying goodbye might be the only way to getaway.

Love isn’t compatible with digital solitude
although, it might be good for your ego mood
remember that I am flesh and bones, not your clone.
Just a soul, a human being to be embrued.

There is no reason to love me like a fool
drowning in suspicious waters of despair
When the world tries to tear us apart
let’s dance within the magic cool.

Action and realness are love.
Let me be me because all I need is the real you.
My love.

© 2021 Alexandra Santos. All rights reserved.

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She Remembers

In the middle of the sky where birds fly high 
Where love is divine. Where touch is the prime. 
I am a swallow bird dressed in black and white 
falling from the ethereal paradise where was my mind. 

Here is the fall, the autumn leaves coloring my path. 
Who am I today? Who will I be tomorrow? 
No grey areas. No grey decisions. 
You and me, black and white. 

In the middle of the sky where birds fly high 
Where love is divine. Where touch is the prime. 
I am a swallow bird dressed in black and white 
falling from the ethereal paradise where was my mind. 

Dare to touch the deepness of my soul 
Undressing my unrealistic childish thoughts 
Dancing the last dance, the pleasure of your scent 
surrounding my pounding fragile heart. 

In the middle of the sky where birds fly high 
Where love is divine. Where touch is the prime. 
I am a swallow bird dressed in black and white 
falling from the ethereal paradise where was my mind. 

The last goodbye kiss, is this our goodbye? 
You and I the forging force of lovers 
with so much unsaid and undone. 
I remember. I will remember. 

You. My love. 

© 2021 Alexandra Santos. All rights reserved.

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Are You an Intimidating Woman? No! Just a Fragile and Stronger Human Being.

They come in all shapes and sizes, but some of them share something in common, the ‘stigmatization’ of being intimidating for men. I wonder, as a woman, what does it mean. What does being intimidating mean? When someone tells you they are attracted to you but afraid, what does it mean?

Let’s remove the so used cultural cliche and take the bull by the horns.

Firstly let’s deny the sexist idea that women are intimidating and men afraid of them.

Let’s learn that our early experiences about love mold the way we perceive relationships, men and women, intimacy, and all of us, in our deepest core, we do need to be seen and heard without judgments. Let’s stop feeding magazines or Hollywood fantasies and fast recipes about You, I, and us should behave. Let’s return to what is ‘important’ and connect to what matters.

When we carry inside the idea that we are intimidating to men, we are not only denying upfront the power of connection but killing our chances of showing up entirely, eroding the proposition of vetting/dating someone to understand if they fit our life. Fear and shame are the common reasons why we tend to sabotage relationships even before their flourishment.

On the other side of the fence, I would like to warn men about something beautiful, the opportunity to discover another human being different from what they have experienced before. By this, I mean that before hasty conclusions, allow yourself to experience and feel what comes with that so-called intimidated woman. Ask her about her story. What’s the story behind her. Yes, you will shake inside. Yes, you will think about her all the time. Allow it to happen. That’s the process of getting to know each other.

Are we as intimidating and inaccessible as you think? No! And we don’t have a vast list of men waiting for us. Actually, to be honest, we are so tired of dealing with men full of themselves who behave in a passive-aggressive mode that we want a man who can hold us, and in the process, willing to show up entirely his scars, his vulnerabilities, the man we can trust. Perhaps, at first glance, we are emitting a non-clear signal of what we want. Maybe we don’t know how to verbalize it. Mayhap we want to make it right with you. However, we want to be free with you. Laugh, feel, live outside the daily life pressure. Is this supernatural to ask for?

From an evolutionary perspective, Intimidating women are, in fact, women who know what they want and where they stand. Therefore, they have come a long way, perhaps like you, and now they wear their skin with pleasure. Intensity, Sovereignty, denying the need to prove to anybody else who they are. But they want to reveal it to you. You are attracted to them because your primitive instinct tells you that she is a good match, but afraid because societal norms claim she will clash with your ego. What is crucial for you? Well-being and mental health or following the normative conclusion of what is best for you?

As women, we need to share our feelings, our attractions, name them and claim them. We need to approach the man we would like to know, invite him to go out, and let him understand that we are approachable, letting him know that we are fully capable of receiving a no as an answer. And rejection is part of the process.

As men, you need to understand and ask yourself before anything else. If you are ready to meet that ‘intimidating’ woman, after all, she is a fragile and normal person. Maybe she looks like the moon, and you are the sun, but what else?

The most rewarding experiences come from different people who can align themselves in life together. Remember, perhaps tomorrow we might not be here, so as long as we are, be sure to surpass yourself to the point where the one you love will continue his or her’s prosperity even in your absence. Because you nurtured their individuality and saw who they were despite their ‘malfunctions’.

We are humans. We are fragile beings.

With love,

Alexandra

Credits:

Photo ©Carlos Gomes – 2020

‘Stronger’ w/ Carol V.

Follow Carlos work on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carlogomes/

Follow Film School on Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/c/filmschoolmusic1/videos

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Freedom to Love Begins Within.

Sadly, Today, we don’t know how to date anymore. We run away from love and people who turn on our deepest desires like we are running from the plague. We run away and dismiss people who easily can intuit from where we are coming from. A kind of flight that later, in some cases, might causes regrets. Would it be better to assume that we have no education for love and, perhaps, help is needed? We love in small doses waiting for something wrong to happen. Isn’t this a way to block the passage of love?

Well, perhaps it is wise to claim that love cannot be live in installments. That love is different from sexuality, even though it exists in love. We live in a blind state of mind and soul numbness, negating pleasure. Only pleasure can set us free. But do not confuse pleasure with bodies replacement or the so used expression ‘I’m open-minded.

Freedom begins within, and only with it can you experience real love and pleasure.

Think about it.

With love,

Alexandra

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Do We Really Need Dating Games? – World Sexual Health Day

Tomorrow, Saturday, September 4th, is World Sexual Health Day. So today, I am bringing this topic inviting all of you for a moment of self-reflection. Do we need dating games to love and receive love adequately? Aren’t games, exactly, what keeps us apart from getting the love we want and need?

Portugal is now the first country in the world to officially recognize the WSHD as a National day, which is the culmination of a solid legislative path recognizing sexual health as a fundamental part of human being satisfaction.

Sex is part of our lives, but sexual health is related not only to intercourse but to the quality of our interactions, emotions, and physical/emotional well-being. Although, living in the twenty-one century. With so much technology and information around, humanity has become lazy when self-care and emotional is required. Infertility, sexual pathologies, and how to create harmonious relationships seem to be taboo for many. What are we afraid of?

Sex is a primitive instinct that no species is alien to. Through physical connection, the emotional bond between people is also strengthened. And even casual sex has an impact on our biology. We can’t deny it. We can’t deny that we need to connect deeply with one another, even though some are masters at suppressing this need and associated emotions.

Today, if you know someone who struggles with infertility issues, sexual disease, or other sexual health issues, make a phone call letting them know you care.

Educate yourself as much as you can about everything related to sexual health. But also how to build better relationships and be the emotional leader in them.

What does sex mean to you? What does mean being in a partnership? What are your deepest fears around intimacy, and why do you have them? What are the painful stories you are telling yourself over and over again around men, women, sex, relationships, and intimacy?

Are you following a script or following an open field where self-expression is possible? Scripts limits our potential and capacity to think out borders.

We have at least 90 years of credits to live. Please, live it wisely without constrictions or thinking about if acceptance by peers will be granted. Do not ever take anyone for granted, and be sure that from them. You learned the best.

Now, I invite you to look at Susan Winter’s video, where she shares an amazing explanation on how and why we should stop playing emotional games in dating.

Happy and educational world Sexual Health day,

Alexandra

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I Wanna Love You… But I Don’t by Ben Platt

In our lives course, we will meet people who wanted to love us, but for whatever reason, they couldn’t.
– I wanna love you, but I don’t – a Ben’s Platt single is very similar to the quote – “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.“

Click in the image to see Ben’s I wanna love you, but I don’t – music Video.

The song itself describes well the internal struggle of someone who wants to love the person in front of their eyes, but for whatever reason, they can’t. Some might tell that the spark isn’t there, but what is spark anyway? Others might understand or see your love as a foreign language harsh to comprehend. Or perhaps they don’t have any reason because you are just everything they ever wanted.

“I think it sucks that you’re perfect
‘Cause you’re not perfect for me
And though you kill me with kindness
It ain’t the kind that I need
I know we look good on paper
Until you give us a read
‘Cause when we pull back the curtains
There ain’t a whole lot to see”

We are indoctrinated since a young age by movies, songs, and role models that love is an automatic response. That we must find the perfect person, the soulmate, “the one”, and everything will flow. We aren’t taught or teaching our children how to deal with frustration. Different points of view, general differences on how to approach daily life matters.

Sadly, the rule now is if there is a difference, then the other person isn’t the right fit for us.

Wrong!

We attract what we need to grow. Why would someone want to date or get married to someone similar? Some might do it and later regret it, but the general population seeks trait variety.


When strong attraction happens between two individuals, this means that together they bring the necessary conditions for growth and evolution. However, what happens down the road is one will get scared and pull away because of the other. Unresolved wounds, attachment styles, lack of communication skills, family and friends interference will turn what was, in the beginning, a good relationship, a nightmarish place with almost no oxygen to survive.

“And I’m not trying to change you
But it’s just not in the stars
I know there’s somebody out there
To love you just as you are
When you finally find that someone who fits you right
You’rе gonna see I couldn’t be him
No matter how hard I try
I know I wanna love you but I-
I wanna lovе you but I”

In verse 2, Ben sings that the relationship isn’t in the stars, and someone out there will love his partner for the way that person is. Although this might sound beautiful to read and hear is notorious the dismissive behavior relegating responsibility to somebody else and describing that a relationship will only work out if written in the stars. And because it wasn’t written in the stars, of course, he didn’t try harder even if he says he did.

What does it mean to try hard to love someone or create a relationship? Does it mean to learn our partner’s love language? Does it mean to get out of our comfort zone and communicate our needs and desires adequately? Does it mean to love the other person not as we want, but as they want and need? These are the questions that I have for you today.

Every song has something to teach if we read and listen to it with intelligence. For those of you who heard the “I wanna love you, but I don’t” or “I love you, but I’m not in love with you”, remember that it is not your responsibility to change someone’s mind or feelings.

Do you feel you did your best? If so. Put your eyes on the horizon, allow yourself to feel the pain because that’s what emotionally intelligent individuals do. Then keep moving, and believe. After all the challenges, there is always something better waiting for you, a love made of real love with someone, who like you, went through many other challenges but is ready now to love and receive love. 

With love,

Alexandra

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IF You Are a Woman, Never Make This Mistake!

I saw a post this morning on Facebook that made me think about how fragile relationships are at the moment. Without question, technology changed the way we related to one another, but when online interactions go too far, what can we do about it? How far is too far? What should you accept and not accept? 

The post was about women who send private messages to other women on social media, asking them to block their partners. The main reason behind it was their partners were liking and interacting too much with those unknown women. 

However, let’s be clear and realistic, the real reason behind it is this: 

THESE WOMEN AND THEIR NEEDS AREN’T MET IN THEIR’S RELATIONSHIPS, WHICH IS EMOTIONAL ABANDONMENT! 

Never under any circumstance send a private message to another woman because of your partner’s behavior online. 

Do this instead:

  1. Ask yourself the real reason why his online behavior makes you feel uncomfortable;

  2. Ask yourself if that behavior is passing over your fundamental core believes. If so, why are you still with that person?

  3. Did you talk with your partner about how and why it makes you feel uncomfortable? What was his response? Did he understand or acted defensively? People tend to consider online interactions nonimportant or inoffensive. However, micro-cheating is a real thing. Micro-cheating is characterized by small actions that hover the mutually agreed upon boundaries in your relationship. It can be forging emotionally and sexually charged relationships with someone else outside the primary relationship.

  4. Another thing to consider is Thomas’s theorem in which, “If a person perceives a situation as real, it is real in its consequences”. In other words, if you feel or see the situation as wrong, it’s because internally, the perceived situation goes against what you believe. But does it allow to message another woman? No! 

Fundamentally the situation described here happens because there is a sense that an agreed-upon relationship standard has been intentionally violated, leading to an obvious human response. 

It’s easy to call someone jealous or crazy, even though it might be the case because emotionally unhealthy people exist. We have to think that the person is in distress and reacting to a perceived real threat.

The reality is men and women are spending too much time online and not cultivating their relationships correctly. The other side of the coin is that now everything is allowed and normalized, leading to permissive behaviors and blaming the uncomfortable partner for calling out those behaviors.

Never ask another woman to block your partner. Never call them names. Instead, have a calm but serious conversation with him about the situation. If he responds defensively and blames you for being too sensitive or dramatic, consider leaving the relationship. We should be with someone who makes us feel safe and comfortable.

I experienced a situation with similar outlines. The person I was dating sent me a screenshot from a conversation he had with another girl, where she sent him another screenshot where another girl said she wanted to get married to him.

The relationship fell apart after this episode because I couldn’t trust him. Some people might perceive the interaction as funny, but I didn’t. It was childish but at the same time showed me how intrusive people are. And how much they love to create drama around.

However, at the end of the day, it only happened because he ALLOWED it to happen and, of course, had consequences.

With love,

Alexandra

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How to Transform Your Relationship with an Anxious Preoccupied Partner?

In the previous article, I brought the attachment style theory again to the table, mixing it with love languages and core human needs as it has the power to explain how we are and why our relationships unfold the way they do.


Today, I will describe how you can transform your relationship with an anxious preoccupied partner using the same principles while shifting errant perspectives about your anxious partner. Because what seems to be a clingy or needy behavior is, in reality, a request to experience safety and love connection.

Before we dive in, I would like to clarify that attachment styles are genderless. You can meet avoidant men or women, anxious men or women. And although human behavior is not the rule of three in mathematics, we can experience a persistent set of patterns of each attachment style with more or less severity.

Anxious preoccupied partners, because of multiple factors they experience a hard time feeling secure in their relationships. A parent with inconsistent parenting behaviors, a bad intimate relationship, divorce, or even bullying experiences at school over the years may contribute to this attachment style development. For this reason, men or women with anxious attachment styles are emotionally attuned with others, tend to be excellent caregivers but disconnect within themselves and their’s own emotions or needs. Long-term, and because of their inability to talk about how they feel and want (afraid of rejection and abandonment), waves of resentment may arise, creating roller coaster relationships.

Love language for Anxious Preoccupied Partners:


Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, and Quality time. Why? Because they need to be sure that they matter and are the priority to their partners. It is inconsistent behaviors and lack of clarity that make these individuals anxious. In a simple scheme, when there is a lack of those love languages in their relationships, past traumatic suppressed events will replay, igniting the fight or flight response. 

Clinginess, jealously, mood swings, hypervigilance, worries, and seeking constant reassurance are just a few examples of how they will respond to emotional threats to their intimate relationships. 

The principal basic human needs to be fulfilled for anxious preoccupied individuals are Love and Connection, Certainty and Significance.

For this reason, if you are the anxious preoccupied partner, I highly recommend this:

  1.  Give them ongoing assurance that you care and love them.
  2. Follow through with your promises.
  3. Give them undivided attention when they need to talk or are in distress.
  4. Protect and stand by their side when they have a hard time managing their emotions during stressful events. 
  5. Encourage them to be aware of their behaviors and lead them to self-reflection.
     
  6. Set up your boundaries, and be sure to leave if the relationship is toxic. But before leaving, explain to them why you can’t continue because even with this action, you are reprogramming their mind giving them a new input. The input that they matter and are worthy of respect.

If you are the anxiously attached individual, follow these steps:

  1. Work with a therapist or relationship counselor to change your communication style.
  2. Learn how to speak your truth, communicating your needs and wantings but also meeting them by yourself. 
  3. Be in touch with your emotions, and when you experience anxiety or insecurity, ask yourself why. What was the boundary crossed? Are your fears of being abandoned blinding you? Are you in the right relationship? 
  4. Stay away from dating while moving towards a more secure attachment. Anxiously attached individuals tend to date and have long-term relationships with dismissive avoidants. A dismissive-avoidant partner won’t be a good partner for you unless he or she is doing the work to become more secure. As I explained before, dismissive-avoidant partners tend to push people away and use deactivating strategies to pull away from intimacy and relationships.

Nothing is set in stone, and as adults, we can change our lives and relational dynamics to a better place. Lastly, as human beings, we are emotionally responsible for ourselves but also for our loved ones. Be kind to you, be kind to the ones you love or once were loved by you.

With love,

Alexandra

Image source: Personal Development school

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How to Transform Your Relationship with Dismissive Avoidant Partner?

Is every relationship worthy of saving if both partners are willing to do the work? Myth or true? The general rule is 90% of intimate relationships are worth saving. But they tend to fail because, over time, human needs aren’t being met, attachment styles are getting in the way, and finally, a profound misinterpretation of each other love language. 

First of all, what are the six basic human needs?

  1. Love and connection
  2. Significance
  3. Variety
  4. Certainty
  5. Growth 
  6. Contribution

Secondly, what are the attachment styles in human beings?

  1. Secure attachment style 
  2. Dismissive Avoidant Attachment style
  3. Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style
  4. Fearful-avoidant attachment style

Thirdly, what are the love languages for humans?

  1. Acts of service
  2. Words of Affirmation
  3. Physical touch 
  4. Quality time
  5. Receiving gifts 

Now, let’s blend it all:

Dismissive avoidant: Afraid of losing autonomy; fear of intimacy; avoid emotional closeness and physical closeness (lack of sexual appetite); Very sensible to critics taking it personally. Core wounds: I’m defective; I will be abandoned because I’m not enough. Therefore I prefer being alone or push people away; Everyone will take advantage of me; chronic shame and anxiety.

Love language for Dismissive Avoidants: Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation. Why? Because through acts of service, they mean “I love you” without being too vulnerable. And words of affirmation because compliments and encouragement are essential for DA’s to feel safe.

The principal basic human needs to be fulfilled for dismissive avoidants individuals are Certainty and Significance. 

Why are Certainty and Significance for dismissive avoidants important human needs? The answer is simple. Dismissive avoidants individuals generally in childhood were emotionally and physically neglected by one parent or both. They learned from a young age only to rely on themselves and not to trust other people, not because they don’t want love or connection as anybody else, but because to trust and be fully seen is too frightening. For this reason, men or women with dismissive attachment styles tend to leave relationships prematurely and run away from the ones they truly love. 

So if you are in a relationship with a Dismissive avoidant person, remember that his or her’s love language is Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation, which interconnects with the human needs Certainty and Significance.

Remember, it takes one person to change the whole relationship dynamic. However, ask yourself first, after knowing all this information, if the relationship is worth saving and if the other person is open to work together with you, making sure that you are also meeting a large percentage of your most intrinsical needs.

Enjoy your weekend!

Alexandra

Image Source: Matrix Media

 

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The Art of Setting Boundaries in Intimate Relationships

Did you ever hear the English proverb Birds of a feather flock together? Well, not when we are talking about intimate relationships. 

According to Vrangalova et al. (2013), permissive people are more likely to be unfaithful and poach someone else’s mate. For this reason, homophily (Birds of a feather flock together), as known as the preference to establish a connection with individuals who share the same attributes and similar behavior might be dangerous for intimate relationships. 

Permissiveness. Permissiveness is, perhaps, one of the most hardcore deal-breakers and turnoffs in relationships. And in this era where everything seems to be technological, everything is to be shared, the implicit permission to overstep what is socially appropriate must receive our deepest concerns. 

Every single day relationships are failing, and people remain for different reasons in unhappy dynamics till someone new comes along and reignite the spark. However, permissiveness is when you or your partner permit other people to step into the relationship, allowing them to give unsolicited pieces of advice or manipulate the possible outcome of your partnership. 

Here are some examples of permissiveness and crossing boundaries: 

– Sending or receiving unsolicited conversation screenshots because it seems someone is interested in you (knowing that you are in a relationship), accepting them as something normal, and not calling the behavior out. 

– Allowing family members and others to have an opinion about your relationship, till the moment, that you don’t see your partner anymore as he/she is, but how these people perceive. 

– Uncompromising with your partner but extremely passive and “go with the flow” with others. 

– Oversharing deepest concerns and fears with others while robbing the opportunity of connection from your partner. 

– Lack of acknowledgment of your partner’s feelings, but very disturbed of what others think and acting out to please them. 

Permissiveness is the antidote to desire, emotional attraction, and intimate connection. As Gottman points out, in a committed relationship, we should maintain boundaries in our other relationships as a way to maintain not only the privacy of our commitment but also protect our partners. 

Sadly, commitment is not about buying a house or having kids together. Commitment requires no safety net to escape when things go wrong, requires all eggs in the same basket, and finally erasing the mindset of “I can do better vs someone better is waiting for me!”. It is cherishing what we already have even when it seems boring. And making who we adore a priority. 

How to create boundaries: 

1. Stay open-minded to your partner. 

2. Stand next to them when disagreements arise with others. 

3. Be conscious that everyone possesses an individual blueprint of what intimacy, couplehood, and commitment mean. Negotiate it. 

4. Do not let others step into your relationship. And express it using your voice and body language in respectful ways. 

5. Do not allow any behavior from others that will disrespect your partner’s core beliefs. 

6. Give yourself and your partner permission to be present for you and act as a team. 

To understand more about boundaries, check this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SS7VinJF8pc

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if everyone is doing the same, and permission is the new skill to prosper in the “modern” world. Real relationships are made by boundaries and by respect for our partner’s needs and core values. 

Wishing you well,

Alexandra

References:

Vrangalova, Z., Bukberg, E. R., Rieger, G. (2014). Birds of a feather? Not when it comes to sexual permissiveness. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 31(1), pp. 94-113.

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Everything Should Flow in Love: Wrong!

The persistent idea that everything should flow in love and individuals shouldn’t work to maintain their relationships robs the great opportunity of discovering and forge special, profound bonds with another human being. The request of having chemistry as a synonym of compatibility or long-lasting connection it’s what tears apart couples because chemistry comes from a place of unresolved wounds and partial dementia. Helen Fisher’s book called Why we love, the nature and chemistry of romantic love, points out that in the courtship and dating phase. Our brains are flooded by dopamine, serotonin, adrenaline, cortisol, and norepinephrine, which deactivates the prefrontal cortex creating a state of dementia and obsessive thoughts about the object you love.This hormonal cocktail can lead to addiction, the conjugation between dopamine and phenylethylamine. And because of it, it isn’t unusual to observe men or women jumping from one relationship to another when the frenetic feeling of passion is over.

Another aspect we must consider is, we are attracted to what we lack. Or we are attracted to what is familiar, and most of the time, this familiarity pull comes from a place of unresolved wounds.

Example:

  1. We are attracted to what we lack. Let’s say that you are a man who lives up in your head. You will be attracted to women who are great at communicational skills, empathetic, kind, generous, and warm. 

  2. We are attracted to what is familiar, and familiarity comes from a place of wounding. Even if you consciously know that you need a certain kind of partner and end up with them unless you do self-development work. The subconscious mind will overpower your rational thoughts. The subconscious mind and imprint stories will make you feel uncomfortable with what is healthy, making you seek shreds of evidence to sabotage the relationship and return to your comfort zone. 

The reality is when you perceive the other person as attractive, but you don’t feel the intense chemistry, that’s a good sign. It means that it’s safe and healthy to connect.

It means that it’s safe and healthy to connect. The feeling of Butterflies in the stomach is a clear sign of terror and excitement. However, we all know that when there is a lack of chemistry. People tend to pull away and disappear or break up relationships abruptly.

Love won’t happen or flourish without work from both parties. And no, you can’t do it talking about music, movie tastes, or television series. Everyone can do it, and that is not intimacy. Or saying that looking at the other person’s face, you already understand what they want or feeling. Wrong! By doing it, you are dismissing their individuality and personal life story.

Love is a skill to learn which requires open lines of communication. Communication about what is important. Substantial and divergent for each couplehood member.

Wishing you well,

Alexandra

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Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg

According to Oxford English Dictionary, communication is “the transmission or exchange of information, knowledge, or ideas, by means of speech, writing, mechanical or electronic media”.

Humans tend to express their emotions and who they are through their acts and words. Most of the time, we combine these forces towards another human being or external situations and unexpectedly not in the most collaborative or healthy ways. I must enlighten here that as long as we are adults, and therefore, aware of our realities. Blame or shame ourselves for ineffective communication it is not the way to progress and heal our subconscious stories.
Every relationship, every situation in our lives, presents a gem that we should take and carry, the opportunity of self-discovering and enhancement.

Communication and trust are important ingredients in any relationship. Yet can be negatively affected or impacted by the effects of previous traumatic experiences.

What is trauma? Everyone at least once in their lives lived a traumatic experience, the neglect of an unattentive caregiver, the loss of a loved one or job, a difficult separation, or divorce. Sadly, most of us don’t pay attention to it, and some may remain in undiagnosed high functioning depression because of escapism tools to avoid emotions.

Ronad, Patali, and Patali (2018) define emotional and psychological trauma as “the after-effect of phenomenally upsetting occasions that smash your suspicion that all is well and good, influencing you to feel defenseless in a perilous world. Horrendous encounters frequently include a risk to life or security; However, any circumstance that abandons you feeling overpowered and disconnected can be awful, regardless of whether it doesn’t include physical mischief. […] The more scared and defenseless you feel, the more probable you are to be damaged.”

With this said. The book Nonviolent Communication a Language of Life by Doctor Marshall Rosenberg is an important tool to everyone who wants to heal and improve. Not only their relationships but also learn effective communicational skills.

As Rosenberg explains, in a world and culture in which silence cult is incited, judging individuals harshly for exposing their needs is our daily cup of tea. We often get scared and shocked when someone reveals parts of themselves essential to bond correctly with us (the real vulnerability). Everyone wants to possess the courage but is fearful of doing so.

Moralistic judgments, comparisons, denying responsibility for our attitudes, or using other forms of communicational avoidance such as stonewalling, criticism, or self-blame with projection onto others are pivotal examples that destroy human relations.

Emotions are amazing guidelines to understand if we are telling ourselves painful stories or if we have at the same time unmet needs. One biggest mistake we often make in our interactions is to express our needs indirectly through the usage of evaluations, interpretations, and images leading others to hear/feel it as criticism, emerging then self-defensive mechanisms or counterattack strategies. No one wins. Everybody loses.

As Rosenberg explains (2005), the more people hear blame and judgment, the more defensive and aggressive they become and the less they will care about our needs in the future (Rosenberg, 2005, p. 148). This situation creates well-known and avoidable self-fulfilling prophecies experiences.

We must sit with our uncomfortable feelings and emotions, take a deep breath emphasizing with us and then with others. When we hear how others are feeling, we recognize that we all come from the same place, Humanity.

To conclude the article, our needs exist to the other person hear our pain, but usually, they don’t if they feel they are at fault. Take your time and learn how to translate it correctly. Translate the unmet needs into statements about you, about how you feel without mentioning the other person.

For more content, you can download the book here for free: https://classroommanagementcem.weebly.com/uploads/4/3/2/5/4325801/nvc_language_of_life_chapters_1-5.pdf

An Introduction to Nonviolent Communication:
http://www.schooltransformation.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Kendrick_NVC_Materials.pdf

Enjoy your weekend

Alexandra

References:

Ronald, V, S., Patali, S, C., Patali, C, S. (2018). Ways to Overcome Emotional and Psychological Trauma in a Day Today Life. Curt Trends Biomedical Eng & Biosci, 17 (1), pp. 1-5.

Rosenberg, B, M. (2005) Nonviolent Communication: A language of life. A PuddleDancer Press. CA.

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Pedro V of Portugal: The Hopeful

D. Pedro V was the second Portuguese King of the Portuguese constitutional monarchy and considered one of the most bright full minds of his time. Pedro was born on 16 September of 1847, Necessidades Palace, Lisbon. Son of Maria II of Portugal and Ferdinand von Sachen- Coburg und Gotha, became monarch at the age of 16 when his mother died during a difficult childbirth. 

According to his biographers, Pedro was a shy person but very conscious and aware of his duties as a monarch. Despite the young age, his moral and intellectual preparation gave Portugal the required social development and the begging of a brand new age where the monarchy was close to the public sphere. 

Pedro’s Kingship was marked by two principles: 

1. Intellectual freedom for social development 

2. Education for people in general, as a way to fight against the ignorance favored by governments to control individuals. 

In these terms, one of his letters from 1856 called Public education and its considerations. Pedro wrote this: 

” It is necessary to instruct people. This proposition is so holy that try to prove its validity would like to be cast doubt on it. People want to learn […] because “The ignorance favored by governments is such an absurd theory that it cannot have supporters.” […] There are around me those who think that people cannot be educated, that education is unsuitable for them, and this is the reason why they are blind or obstinate guiding themselves by first impressions. I believe otherwise that people are blind and obstinate because they don’t have education or instruction. […] Condemning society of not seeing the light, not participating in the educational system benefits that make a man capable of enjoying his freedom, is a crime or negligence that all of us will pay sooner or later.” 

Pedro was a man who ruled a country in the nineteenth century, but his words, his thoughts are still contemporaneous. Education and training are fundamental principles for a healthy society and healthier social or intimate relationships. 

We are, at some level, blind in how we deal, treat, and love others. Philosophy and psychology are important sciences in teaching because they help our critical thinking and enhance our connection with the being. Phenomena like stigma, discrimination, “gender inequality” exist because it comes from ignorance when one of the main principles of equality is that no one is equal. Therefore everyone must be accepted and protected for who they are. 

The misrepresentation of words and their meaning is dangerous to social functioning, leading to social crimes or Politicians and institutions taking advantage of people and their intricate/unfulfilled necessities. 

If we want men and women emotionally available and aware of who they are, we must educate them and their families. 
We must provide citizens places and tools to regain trust in how to re-connect with themselves and institutions. And finally, give positions of social action or protection to those who are genuinely and academically capable of promoting progress in places of public importance. Of course, this would require Universities’ tight selection criteria, including personality tests to outwit personality disorders and the like. 

It does lead me to another reality, the urgency of living happy 24/24 hours. Or when and how someone tells you after a loss that you have to move on or find someone better, which is a synonym of lack of respect for your pain and emotional avoidance. Pain is real, and everyone must sit with their pain to grieve. But this will be for another article. 

Pedro V of Portugal died at only 24 years old in 1861 victim of typhoid fever. Pedro was a second degree cousin of Queen Victoria and Prince Albert with whom he had a close relationship. 

Keep in mind that: You don’t have to live long to do good for others. You have to be and pay attention to your surroundings while educating yourself. 

With love,

Alexandra

References:

Mónica, F. M. (2007). D. Pedro V. (1a ed., pp. 277-291). Temas e Debates.

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Farming and Mental Health

Last week a young Aussie farmer girl, who was only 19, died by suicide, which caught everyone in a spiral of pain and mourning. Caitlyn Loane was a farmer, livestock manager from Tasmania who shared her daily agricultural work-life on TikTok. Despite the unknown reasons that led Loane to suicide, the first question we should ask ourselves as human beings is: how much emotional responsibility do we have towards another person? How often do we ask, “how are you feeling”?

According to the article from 1999, British Journal of Psychiatry called Suicide in Farmers. Farmers are one of the occupational groups at greatest risk of suicide. As Malmberg, Simkin, and Hawton (1999) found, most suicides in farming “were the endpoint of a series of difficulties developing over time rather than a response to an acute crisis, and in this respect, farmers are no different from other people who commit suicide. The nature of farming, particularly when the farm is a family business, means that many problems are inevitably interconnected, and this may be more important for farmers than those in other occupations.” (p.103)

Sadly there is still a fantasy around farming in which life is perfect. Farmers have their bank accounts full of money because of the tractors, lands, farming machinery. And perhaps the dreaming lifestyle of freedom they tend to portrait. But is this “dreaming” lifestyle of freedom real or a mirage? Does someone ask them how they feel and listen to them with empathy?

Rudolph, Berg and Parsaik (2019), wrote that “agriculture has been identified as a stressful industry and there is evidence that chronic stress may contribute to the development or progression of mental health disorders, specifically anxiety and depression.” (p.1)

Agriculture is affected by multiple factors. Climatic adversity, market prices, or political uncertainties. Farm bankruptcies, demanding workloads, lack of social support from cooperatives, and finally, relational conflicts or sabotaging behaviors based on envy from family members or companies managers that provide support services to farmers. Mental health risks among this population are well-documented. However, protective factors remain somehow unknown. (Liang et al., 2021)

The crux of this reality lies in the fact that we, as a community, quit the responsibility of taking care of others emotionally. Nowadays, the superficial and unapologetic selfish behavior of only liking someone else on social media. Or discard them at the first sign of stress is destroying the purity of human connection. Everyone wants to vomit their lives to somebody else, but few are the ones who possess ears, time, and empathy to listen to you, not to respond but to comprehend.

My question is: What a fuck are we doing?

I know the Agriculture Industry like the palm of my hand. I have worked as a farming manager for the last ten years. Prior generations from both sides of my family worked their entire lives in this business, and yes, not everyone can face the stressful farming peculiarities.

Let’s be honest. The problem isn’t the activity itself. But the lack of responsibility or attunement. And finally, the prevalent cowardice and emotional illiteracy from those around. Many individuals are running companies without the intellectual or scholarly capacity to do so. Add to this stubbornness, inflexibility, and the delusional or fictionary pride of “I know it all or I know more than you”.

Cooperatives are created by and for farmers, but are farmers the ones who run the cooperative? Or are cooperatives being run by people who are literally eating what belongs to farmers?
About Farm bankruptcies, what kind of farm loan programmers are out there? What about the fees to pay? How much will they pay and when? And law? Does the law system protect farmers and farming activities correctly?

Agriculture is a fragile business, and farmers don’t have support.

After ten years of working on lands, I left, not because agriculture was a nightmare. But because I couldn’t handle any longer the system ambiguity, crazy people with constant sabotaging behavior, and my health and emotional safety were under threat.

It is ok to say no and to let it go. It’s ok to stop, regroup and start again somewhere else. It is ok to call people out because of their erratic behavior.
Suicide has an inherent message for all of us, which is: “I lived as long as I could, but my emotional pain and its secrecy was robbing me of the magical joy of living.”

Farmers are resilient, strong, and mature folks. Although my life would be a fantastic “novel”, the lessons I took from it are far greater and can’t remain only on a piece of paper. I’m not sure, either, if folks outside of this business can fully understand what we went through, despite their best efforts. Whether way, resiliency also means the power to leave when things go roughly.

As Samuel Beckett wrote: “Try again. Fail again. Better again. Or better worse. Fail worse again. Still worse again. Till sick for good. Throw up for good. Go for good.”

For this reason, my final message is: Don’t confuse reality with social media and always ask people around how they are genuinely feeling. Chose carefully and wisely who you want in your life, and be sure that in times of need, they will be there for you entirely. Someone who stays by your side during tough times is someone to keep and nurture forever.

Caitlyn was too young to die. Think about it!

With love,

Alexandra

References:

Liang, Y., Wang, K., Janssen, B., Casteel, C., Nonnenmann, M., Rollmann, D. (2021). Examination of Symptoms of depression among cooperative dairy farmers. Environmental Research and Public Health, 18, 3657, pp. 1-17. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph18073657

Rudolphi, J.M., Berg, R.L. & Parsaik, A. (2020). Depression, Anxiety and Stress Among Young Farmers and Ranchers: A Pilot Study. Community Meant Health J 56, pp. 126–134. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10597-019-00480-y

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What Can Gavin James’s Song “Sober” Teach About Us And Love?

It is impressive and enthralling how music can transport us to already experienced moments, how it can comfort us in painful moments such as a breakup or the loss of a loved one. Or to celebrate special events.
But, shall I ask, how often do we understand the message and lesson behind the lyric? What can a song teach about us, others, love, and relationships?

Gavin James is a well-known Irish singer who debuts his brand new single called “Sober”. Sober can be understood in different ways, the longing for an impossible relationship, the reminiscence of a past relationship, or the hope to reestablish a connection this time in healthy manners. The hope that the one who got away will see his worth, returning to his arms.

What this song teach about us, others, love, and relationships?

  1. We all have our subconscious comfort zone, and because of it, we don’t express who we are from our authentic selves but our threatened selves. This dynamic drives away the people who are correct for us and our growth.

  2. “We take our feelings And hide them in bottles” The moment we hide our feelings or not expressing our needs, we are setting our relationships to fail, and most importantly, self-betraying who we are. How can someone love us? Or how can we love someone if they are neglecting themselves and we are neglecting ourselves? 

  3. Ignoring red flags in relationships is the direct representation of how much we disregard the connection to ourselves. The more disconnected you are from your emotions, feelings, and needs, the more overlooked or misunderstood you will feel by others. 

  4. “No, you don’t love me when you’re sober” – Auto-pilot stories and the longing for someone to wake up and give us the love we deserve leads to emotional chaos. Also, remember that some individuals have their fears competing with their feelings for you. They might love you dearly, but their’s mind-printed traumatic stories don’t allow them to see or accept your love. Therefore, sobriety only will happen when the healing process takes place. 

  5. Lack of modeling in childhood erodes our ability in adulthood to relate with others correctly, or at least with the outcome we desire. But like everything in life except death, nothing is set in stone. With awareness, the correct recognition of emotional difficulties, discomfort, and root causes can lead to a path of deep self-transformation while working on it. It is a scary place to go, but worth it. 

  6. It is everyone’s fault, but no one is to blame. In every relationship, it is everyone’s fault if the dynamic fail. But no one is to blame. Why? Because instead of trying to find someone to punish, the right direction to go is towards the understanding that everyone is doing their best to survive and thrive. It does mean that your duty is to educate yourself and run away from emotional illiteracy. 

  7. Last but not least. Be the advocate of your feelings and voice them not from a place of fear but love. Familiarity keeps us stuck in scenes that won’t serve us any longer. Maybe you never had someone supporting your adventures or acknowledging your emotional necessities. If now you found that person, someone who is there for you, instead of pushing them away with deactivating or activating strategies. Remember that your fears hurt your feelings. Instead of fleeing or avoid, or being needy or clingy, ask for help. And be vulnerable expressing your authentic self. 

A close friend of mine asked me last week if the level of knowledge that I have doesn’t keep me away from relationships. My answer was simple, the more you know, the more you avoid unnecessary and possible painful stories. The truth is the more sovereign you are, the less you will act out of dispairing or accept lesser treatment. I can support people and be there for them, but at the same time, I don’t lose myself because I do not over-feel somebody else feelings.

Relationships in all different forms need clear intentions and compassion. Requires the deep understanding that not everyone is in a good place to date, to be a friend or a long-term partner, and that’s fine. But we have to be clear about it and not come from a place of fear. We have to recognize and learn how to self-soothe. Set up boundaries and speak up.

Lastly, Judgment happens or comes from emotional illiteracy! So educate yourself, because fortunately, there are plenty of tools to help you out through the process. Just be sure that the readings you select are not from gurus but certified people.

With love,

Alexandra

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Online Romance and Cybercrime

The online dating industry over the past two decades has become a business of millions. Many are the reasons that can lead someone to use those services, such as social inadequacy, fear of intimacy, lack of time to get to know people in social events, you can name it. 

However, despite some of the visible advantages of those online applications, it brought to the social environment the “disposable culture”. Or phenomenons like “missing out syndrome”, “the grass is greener somewhere else”, and “I can do better”, all combined with superficial ties easily replaced. And the sense that you know someone well based only on text messages. 

In the last five years, the Australian, American and Portuguese governments have warned about the increasing online romance fraud. Only in Australia, in 2019, according to ACCC (Australian Competition and Consumer Commission), romance fraud cost Australian folks more than 28.6 million dollars. Women reported the highest total losses, but men also had 7 million dollars of losses which is 24.6 percent of the total losses. 

Where is this happening, and why?

Online romance scams can happen on every online platform. But now besides regular dating apps, Instagram and even Facebook is the favorite place to scammers actions. Also, don’t think that only naive or uneducated people fall into these schemes, quite the opposite. 

Why does this happen? First of all, every human being, when seeking relationships, seek trait variety. In the evolutionary aspect of our species, we want the best genes for our offspring. Therefore, if online dating opens the gate of a wider range of possible partners from different nationalities, of course, we want to try that possibility. 

Secondly, long-distance relationships are on the rise. More and more people are engaging in long-distance relationships exactly because they meet online. Or because they met someone in another country while having holidays. 

Scammers know this. They know how to approach the victims, how to develop conversations to gain trust and intimacy. According to AARP’S Fraud Watch Network, most online romance frauds originate in eastern Europe, Russia, Nigeria, Ghana, or in countries such as Malaysia and United Kingdom. 

How to avoid it?

  1. If you are dating online, date intentionally and don’t play games. Games only attract disaster. 

  2. What are you seeking in the online dating realm? Real and meaningful connection or just someone to talk to?

  3. If you like someone there and you want to pursue the conversation in another environment. Screen every profile image using a reverse online image search because it will help you find out if the picture was stolen from someone else. 

  4. Now, let’s say that you have added the person to your Facebook account. Search their name and see if he or she has an Instagram account. Is their profile private or public? And if public, why? Are they trying to attract brands, attention, validation? How many followers and followings they have? People with higher narcissistic traits tend to have more followers than followings because it indicates their influence and likeability (Farwaha and Obhi, 2019). They also frequently post selfies and lifestyle information as a way to promote themselves in the digital arena (Alshawaf and Wen, 2015). Literally, run away from these individuals. I don’t care how hot they are or how impressive they seem to be, just run! Forget the lust, the hormonal rush, and RUN!

  5. Returning to the Facebook platform, see if, besides the added friends, they have followers. And what type of followers they have. If it a woman’s profile, is the list of followers mostly composed of foreigners? Ask yourself why are they only following her and not on the friend list? How did they found her profile? Ask yourself all the questions you need and use your best judgment to decide what to do. Before any investment select wisely, the kind of people you want in your life. 

  6. Before running into online dating, think about your beliefs around dating and relationships. What are your subconscious stories about it? Do you think men are all the same? Do you think women will take advantage of you, and maybe someone from another country wouldn’t do that? Listen, we just know someone when we spend real face-to-face time with them.

    Can we develop feelings for someone over texting and FaceTime? Sure we can. But before entering anything else in romantic terms, ask yourself if you are willing to move yourself to another country and start your life from zero? Can you afford visa processes to expand professionally, not only because of someone else? Does the other person talks in-depth about their lives and shows up consistently? Do they get out of their comfort zone to give or do something to make you happy despite the distance? 

When dealing with human beings, we are dealing with their emotions, feelings, and life stories. Relationships require hard work, not just sweet talk. It is disgusting to use someone as a way to obtain money or a free visa pass. This sort of behavior erodes trust, leaves imprinted traumas, and is completely against the fundamental principles that make us humans: the need to connect.

With love,

Alexandra

References:

Alshawaf E., Wen L. (2015). Understanding digital reputation on Instagram: a case study of social media mavens. In: Proceedings of the 2nd European conference on social media ECSM, pp 19–27

Farwaha S., Obhi, SS. (2019). Differential motor facilitation during action observation in followers and leaders on instagram. Front Hum Neurosci 13:67. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnhum.2019.00067

Site web:

AARP. (2015). Are you Real? – Inside an Online Dating Scam. https://www.aarp.org/money/scams-fraud/info-2015/online-dating-scam.html

ACCC. (2020). Romance Scammers move to new apps, costing Aussies more than $28.6 million. https://www.accc.gov.au/media-release/romance-scammers-move-to-new-apps-costing-aussies-more-than-286-million

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Rebecca’s Syndrome and The Phantom Ex

“Rebecca” is a novel publish in 1938, written by Daphne du Maurier and later adapted to the big screen by the great Alfred Hitchcock. Last year on my birthday day, 21 of October, Netflix starred the new remake of this movie with Lily James (Mrs. de Winter) and Armie hammer (Maxim de Winter) as protagonists.

Although this book and later movie originated Rebecca’s syndrome in psychology to describe people who have pathological jealousy from ex-companions of their partners. I must refer that this situation is recurrent in relationships where the man is a widow or divorced, as portrait in the movie.

However, particular aspects should be analyzed before we jump into the apparent jealously behavior from the new wife, Mrs. de Winter. 

We have to understand what is The Phantom Ex syndrome. How much should we share with a new partner about past relationships? What are the fundamental principles of a healthy relationship, and how much should external people interfere, compare and give an opinion about our new relationship?

Do you know the story of Alice in Wonderland? Like John Gotten describe in his book “Eight Dates, Essential conversations for a lifetime of Love”, Alice had no idea of what would be the journey to the wonderland, but she did it anyway with her’s two feet. She jumped into the rabbit’s hole knowing, that it would be amazing and transformational despite difficulties. Alice was committed to the journey no matter what.

Now let’s bring commitment and think, what commitment is in a relationship? Is it thinking about someone in the past neglecting and comparing to the new person? Is it constantly having conversations about past issues and let them get in the way, not allowing individualization? Is it let someone else outside the relationship interfere and give opinions?

According to Gottman (2019), true commitment means

that you create a wall around you and your partner with an open window between you. This wall around the two of you separates you from others in terms of your deepest emotional and physical connections (…) Also, if we’re committed, we have given this person everything we have to offer. There’s nothing left over for another lover. That’s a risky decision, but it’s essential. Without this level of commitment, love will not last. (pp.40, 41)

In fact, despite Maxim de Winter’s initial enthusiasm when he first met his new wife. This man had in his mind what we call in psychology “The Phantom Ex syndrome” (recurrent in individuals with dismissive avoidant or fearful-avoidant attachment style), which is when an ex becomes larger than anything and the new partner is never enough to surpass those figurative qualities. Rebbeca’s ghost haunting Winter’s mind, and the mansion is the representation of what I describe above.

Without forgetting that the housekeeper, Mrs. Danvers, starred by Kristin Scott Thomas, is the poison voice building insecurities inside Mrs. de Winter talking nonstop about Rebecca and her qualities.

Healthy relationships are based on real commitment. Healthy couples don’t think they can do better or that their ideal partner is still out there waiting for them. They are committed to one another and don’t have one foot out the door.

We can now conclude that although pathological jealously exists, in the movie “Rebecca”, the young woman Mrs. de Winter invested all her eggs in the same basket as Alice did in Wonderland’s journey. And like someone emotionally healthy should do in their relationships. Her insecurities and what’s so-called pathological jealously is the fruit of her’s husband constant doubts and lack of visible boundaries to protect their relationship from external interferences and his past.

These are my final thoughts. Before we start a relationship with someone else, we have to use the dating phase to discover and see if the other person is a good match. Despite the initial lust and infatuation hormonal cocktail screaming for sex, let your vagina or penis out of the equation. Instead, ask deep questions. And forget superficiality. Forget that stupid thing that you should be in your feminine energy. That’s BS. You should be in your sovereignty and lean in completely in the process of discovering the other person. That’s why we have the first stage in a relationship called “the dating stage”.

Another thing to understand is that emotionally healthy men are thirsty for knowledge. Unavailable or emotionally “broken” men are thirsty for validation and instant connection. Can you see the difference? The same rule applies to women.

Finally, be very careful with dating apps because they are the realm of “the grass is greener” syndrome and the favorite place for people who are never satisfied with their choices. Also when you can watch “Rebecca” movie and take your conclusions.

I hope this resonates with you and take good care of yourself.

Love,

Alexandra

References:

Gottman, J., Gottman, S., J. (2019). Eight Dates: Essential conversations for a lifetime of Love. Workman Publishing. New York.

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Homeostasis: A Biology Lesson to Improve Your Relationships

We are told from a young age that love is suffering. And suffering is titillating or aphrodisiac. But what our caregivers and even schools didn’t teach us is that love is not a suffering “contract”, but a place where our bodies can regulate and build together long-lasting last rewarding relationships. 

When it comes to relationships and intimacy, we should keep in mind that we all possess different attachment styles. But also that relationships have six stages of development: 

  1. The dating phase. Everything is beautiful and exciting. 

  2.  The honeymoon phase. Still a good phase. But first red flags tend to show up. 

  3. The power-struggle phase. Relationships tend to fail because individuals focus on differences or flaws, and the subconscious mind programming takes over the conscious mind. Couples can remain in this stage for years. 

  4. The stability phase, the acceptance of who we are, and mutual respect. 

  5. The commitment phase. We surrender to one another. 

  6. The Bliss phase. The phase where the couple creates a project together and meaningful to the world. 

Wrongly the assumption that relationships develop in auto-pilot without much effort is what kills them from the very beginning. In reality, relationships to thrive need intentionality and the understanding that everyone has a visceral and deep programming need to feel safe and seen.

Another myth assumed by many is that we seek people with the same traits as us. In reality, our subconscious mind is always seeking trait variety in the dating/mating process. So we have an attraction for people who possess traits that we suppress but admire.

The problem begins when our polarities start to trigger each other emotional baggage. Are those relationships doomed? No! The power struggle phase brings the deepest lessons in any relationship. And the opportunity to bond with our partners at their core, with their imperfections and flaws. By dismissing the stories or beliefs of how someone should be.

One of the keys to handling the power-struggle phase is the understanding of how homeostasis works. Homeostasis refers to the body’s need to reach and maintain a certain state of equilibrium, with this in mind and thinking that we might have at some level an insecure attachment style in a relationship dynamic, most common anxious and avoidant dynamic.

In the power struggle phase, the avoidant partner will need to pull away because their fears are mining their feelings. Their fears are rooted in losing autonomy and independence.
On the other hand, the anxious partner will pursue the avoidant partner requiring emotional reassurance because of the abandonment core wound. So their polarities, the way they react to difficulties, is homeostasis taking place to restore equilibrium.

Lesson nº1: Our responses in relationships are survival responses.

Lesson nº2: Subconscious mind seeks trait variety and takes over the conscious mind. The push is the conscious mind wanting a different outcome. The pullback is the subconscious mind wanting comfort zone even if it wrong.

Lesson nº3: Individuals with anxious attachment styles should learn to stand for themselves and fulfill their emotional tank with activities that provide emotional well-being.

Lesson nº4: Individuals with avoidant attachment styles should learn how to rely on other people. Learn how to be vulnerable, and overshare what they want and feel. Learn how not to take criticism personally. But use it as a way to improve who they are. Learn how their behavior hurts their partners (stonewalling, emotional coldness, refusing to talk.).

Lesson nº5: You can find another partner. But without inner work and awareness, the cycle will repeat. Intimacy shouldn’t be a war place, but a place of growing and thriving.

To conclude, everyone has a visceral and deep programming need to feel safe and seen.

With Love,

Alexandra