Em destaque

Social Media: The Short Cut Path to Become a Narcissist

Today’s article took some time to write. Not because it is difficult to talk about, but because the extent of the damage is unbelievable. I’m going to talk about social media, but not in the terms that you might expect.

It isn’t the first time I say here that I don’t have and never had Instagram, because unless you are an artist, and your work depends on it, what is the reason to have an Instagram account? What do you want? Validation? Others to see how wonderful your life is? Or maybe because it is a trend, you have it too? What is the objective of having Instagram and Facebook accounts at the same time?

In recent years we have seen a rise of what we call subclinical narcissism among young people and now even with adults because of all this exposure to social media platforms. And I say subclinical narcissism because the clinical narcissism or Narcissistic Personality Disorder covers a very small percentage of the population. And only a psychiatrist can diagnose and identify these individuals.

Note: Be careful when you use the word narcissist to identify somebody else who does have toxic behaviors. However, subclinical narcissism is as serious as clinical narcissism and can affect your life.

It is important to understand that humans are social animals, and therefore, the need to connect with others is present since birth. To be even more specific, human babies are the most vulnerable specie of mammals and require special care to survive.

The question should be, how and why social media affect us? And what has been the contribution to the emergence of narcissistic people?

Unfortunately, most of the individuals don’t understand that social platforms such as Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, and common dating apps. Such as Tinder or OkCupid are made to addict our brain and change the way we relate and perceive relationships. The usage of algorithms is a common way that those platforms use to manipulate your emotions and needs. The neuroscience behind social media is to make you crave more, more validation, more attention, more praise, and for that reason, in your feeds tend to appear more the posts of people who you add recently to testify your compatibility.

Pure Illusion!

Neuroscientists have compared social media interaction to a syringe of dopamine being injected straight into the system. So what should we think about it? My principal concern is children, and as you know, there is a new trend of mums influencers on Instagram that share their children’s daily lives in search of sponsorships and visibility.

Where is the right to privacy of these little beings? Where is family privacy?

In social media platforms, like in photoshop, life has an edition. And our brains are being bombarded with comparisons, which I call keeping up with Kardashians syndrome. And it is here where narcissism enters in the equation.


An easy way to detect narcissists in social media is by seeing how much time they spend on social media. But also, for example, on Instagram: Their account is public? What kind of pictures do they post? Are their selfies heavy edited? How many selfies and trip photos do they have? How many followers?

Most professional individuals from psychology and neuropsychology advice women and men before start dating someone. They should see if their prospective partners have an Instagram account and how they use it, which will not only prevent heartbreak but also avoid unnecessary drama. 

Esther Perel, one of the most recognized therapists, refers that couples and even single individuals need to do a digital detox, and the evidence is here. Social media manipulates not only your emotions, but also change the function of your prefrontal cortex, which plays a big role in willpower and decision-making.

“People who spend a lot of time “media multitasking” . or juggling lots of different websites, apps, programs or other digital stimuli – tend to have less grey matter in a part of their brain involved with thought and emotion control.” – Kepkee Loh

Kepkee Loh’s explanation gives us the reason why narcissism is on the rise and why the dating world is a mess. People with narcissistic traits are emotionally immature, lack empathy, and don’t care about how you feel. Take care of yourself and try not to expose your children to social media, or digital devices. Until their early 20’s, their brains aren’t completely formed.

One week ago, I asked David Demars to record a video about online Predatorial Narcissists. David is a certified life coach, video producer, and writer based in Las Vegas, specializing in toxic relationship recovery.
He is straight forward with his words and transparent in his videos. I hope you enjoy it!

With love,

Alexandra

Em destaque

The Power Of Real Friendships

Friendships, when they are real, are a form of love for another human that can go along with us our entire life. Living in a moment where everything happens, or almost everything happens on cell phones, how many real friends do we have? How many times do we see them during the year? How many times we call them to tell, “Hey, thank you for being in my life!”?

I come from a traditional Portuguese family where a good education was the center of my childhood. Respect individuals and treat them as equals, is one of the pearls of my crown, and also be straight forward with my opinions, needs, and wants. I love to have people around me, receive them well, cook for them, and feed our connections as long as I can. Of course, and like anybody else, I had my deceptions, but my rule was and still be, never judge anyone without knowing the whole story.

When it comes right down to it, there is no more valuable social capital than friendships. These are the relationships that can stand the test of time and distance and roll with the punches when things get a little dicey. Good friends, though, will give you the space you need when you need it, and love you just as much when you’re down as when you’re up, and when you’re broke as well as loaded.” – Suzanne Degges-White, Ph.D

Angela and Rita, my two closest friends, we know each other since high school, and they were and still be with me always for the best or the worst. Even though Portuguese culture is losing a little bit of the meaning of being surrounded by family and close friends, the truth is that just like Italians, we love our people.
Nothing makes me happier than being in the kitchen, cooking delicious Portuguese dishes, and desserts. It is the ultimate art of loving even, our friends. I do believe Mediterranean cultures understand what I am talking.

Besides my family, these two girls were the healthy and safe emotional network I could count on during this time of transition in my life. It is hard when you are saying goodbye to everything you’ve always known in your entire life without support.
Love is consistency, support, understanding, and not an easy task if you are a self-centered person. Love one partner, friends, and even family consist essentially if our value systems are compatible. So, when you catch yourself having doubts about people in your surroundings, ask yourself why you are feeling that way and never have afraid to walk away from who can’t see your value.

Relationships and friendships are always evolving. The ones who are willing to take the initial leap of faith with you are the ones to have around. Think about this.

As Plato said: “No one is a friend to his friend who does not love in return.

I love you girls!

Alexandra

Em destaque

What Do We Want From Men?

What do we want from men?

An Amazing question to take with us through the weekend, so grab a piece of paper and a pen and write what you want or need from men.
Long ago, in fairytale stories, women needed a prince with a white horse to rescue them from all the dangers in the world. But today, the reality is different. We want and need a real partner and a real connection. So let me give you some guidance, and let me know if you agree:

  • Moral Integrity, in which you englobe honesty. Trustworthiness, communication, and responsibility.
  • Relational Sensitivity, in here, you have kindness, patience, understanding, emotional maturity, friendship, emotional and practical support. And finally, validation and acceptance.
  • Intimacy Satisfaction, Intimacy satisfaction, when you bring adventure and excitement into the relationship in a safe way, but also, and at the same time, there is real experimentation of companionship and partnership. You might not be that adept of saying “I love you”, but for sure, in your own way and language, your partner will be happy to know how you feel. When a man provides emotional safety and intellectual stimulation, the woman in his life will feel connected, and as a result, she will want to have sex. 

It is my philosophy that when men awaken for love, something quite beautiful happens. For many generations and even centuries, and through peer groups, men were taught not to show any emotion because it was a weakness sign. The reality today is that many men out there are seeking real connections and real partnerships. And that’s why it is so important for us, women, to tune our partner selection mechanism because these men deserve a chance.

Men are animals with instincts and are biologically programmed to have sex and thus continue our specie. But that does not mean that they don’t want to give and receive love. In psychology, we know and is well documented that men’s longevity and happiness increase when they do have a stable romantic relationship.

Because love is simple
It is worth of harvesting
Can be born in any exile
grow on any field
Come on, don’t be afraid!
Don’t leave your heart without love!

Miguel Torga, 1945

I want you to be happy, but above all, free!

Alexandra

Em destaque

Penis Size, does it Really Matter?

Penis size, does it really matter?

The answer is simple: No!

In recent years many studies and even social experience has taught us that men are suffering pressure to be great performers in bed and wondering if their penis size is enough to satisfy their partners. Believe it or not, one of the causes, why this happens, is related to the consumption of pornography. The camera angles towards the male sexual genitalia and even the incredible performances with all sort of positions, leave the sensation in men that they aren’t good enough. The question should be when it comes to pornography:

Do you know how many pauses they take to record scenes? Do you know that they take pills to have last long erections?

Now, let’s take a look at our history to understand how society viewed penis size.

At ancient cultures, like Roman and Greek, look at how male statuettes are made, their penises are surprisingly small with clear evidence that what matters is the body structure and testicles form. In this period, virility and potency were centered in the testicles, and the penis was only the instrument of sperm passage for fertilization. This idea that small is perfection lasted till renaissance.

David, Renaissance Sculpture

After the XIX century till our days, the size of penises are now the center of everything and synonym of virility, which leads men to experience performance anxiety, erectile dysfunction, and avoidance behaviors when it comes to sexual intercourse. We should thank the pornography industry and also our shallow culture for destroying the real meaning of what is being a man and woman. Unless you have a micropenis, the size of your penis is normal. Women, if they are emotionally healthy, don’t care about your penis size or if you can do circus art positions.

After many years at school and working hard to have a stable life or at least a prospective stable life, women in their middle 30’s tend to seek a steady partner to settle down. Sex is important. But co-related with emotional safety and satisfaction. So women don’t care about your penis size, they care if you are a reliable source of emotional stability and if they can be who they are around you, and you around them.

More than talk about penis size, you should look at how was your first sexual experience. What kind of partners you had. What kind of conversations you heard all your life about sex and intimacy from your peers and family members. Are sexuality and your body a taboo for you? How do you see sex? Mechanical or an act of love that you share with another person?

Be all you can be! Be you!

If your partner blames you for your penis size or is only interested in your penis and sexual performances, there is something wrong, and that should be a warning sign to look after.
We all know that hookup culture and shallow relationships are on the rise. But I also know that all this immense pressure towards men leads them to severe cases of depression, and a profound inability to sustain or remain in healthy partnerships.

To conclude this article, which I hope will be helpful, I want to warn for one dangerous problem, the usage of pornography and social media causes abnormalities in the orbitofrontal cortex region and also in callosum corpus, which connects the two cerebral hemispheres. The damages are the same as those caused by the consumption of drugs and alcohol.

Take care of yourself!

Alexandra

Em destaque

What Babies Can Teach Us About Love and Life?

What babies can teach us about love and life?

Babies, these inoffensive little creatures, not only can deeply love other human beings without expecting anything but also teach how vulnerability is a fundamental requisite of our existence. It is ridiculous to perceive that a long time ago, we were babies with an immense and intact capacity to love, laugh, and without too high expectations, just a hug or a kiss would be enough.

Where did we lose ourselves?

Babies don’t care about your status, your income, if you have a big car or a house with a swimming pool. The crying happens not because they are mean, but just because they are scared and perhaps hungry.

So the question also should be, what are we doing with our babies? Are we learning with them, or are we teaching them not only how not to be a baby, but also a terrible future adult?

Babies don’t need selfies. They don’t even care if you are the most popular girl or boy on Instagram. In their gugu gaga language, they might ask themselves what a fuck is his/her father or mother doing all the time on social media, and not wanting to have fun with them.

These dear little things so good to kiss and carry in our lap, are the pure reflection of how we should be. They laugh when they see us, and yes, their kisses are full of drooling. How generous and kind they are.

What babies teach us about love and life:

  1. We’re dependent creatures
  2. Real love is ego-free kind of love, which you don’t expect to receive something in return. You give love because you are in one position where you can to do so.
  3. Hope. Babies are real educators that there is nothing more important than to believe tomorrow will better than today.
  4. Look after your needs, and let the ones who can love and see you, approach, and stay around you.
  5. You don’t need Fakeness or pretend to have a perfect life.
  6. Love is a threat which keep us sane
  7. We all are born with a healthy attachment style and the ability to genuinely love others.

Before we consider the fatherhood task, we need to understand love, how real love happens, and not based on Hollywood or Disney assumptions. Bring a baby to this world is more than having someone who will carry our genes. One baby deserves a healthy household because the world will never mourn the unborn babies, but will the ones who don’t have anyone to love or protect them adequately.

With love,

Alexandra

Em destaque

Are You Looking For a Penis Or a Real Man?

Are you looking for a penis or a real man?

Perhaps, this is the most unbearable shocking question that we should ask ourselves before consider going into the dating world.

Why should we ask this to ourselves? What is the difference between the penis and man, or vagina and woman? What is our conscience or protocol to find a mate? Do we want a partnership or a “situationship”? What sex means for us, and when is the right timing to have sex with our new partner?

Are you emotionally available to have a real man or woman in your life? What kind of stories you heard about intimacy? Would people take advantage of you? Do you believe that you can’t fully trust anyone because they will leave you?

The narratives that are in constant replay inside your mind will determine how much success you will have in the dating world and also in life. We all know that everyone says that hookup culture or casual sex is on the rise, that it is hard to find commitment, and no one wants to have a label. But is this true for everyone? Does everyone have commitment phobia or relationship anxiety?

Well, if you want to have a fulfilled and long term relationship, don’t fall for the “dick sand” or “vajayjay sand” trap. Unless you are ok and you want to have sexual intercourse consciously without commitment, don’t fall for it because you will be hurt in the end.
The urgency to find someone just because society says you can’t be on your own will only lead to poor choices and, in most cases, rejecting amazing partners because they don’t give you drama.

So, what is sex?

Sex is a way of lessening our alienation, isolation, and aloneness by physically connecting with, penetrating or being penetrated by another person at the most primal level of existence. Sex substantiates, humanizes, and incarnates existence. It produces joy, love, comfort, affection, and sometimes ecstasy.

Sex is one of the center parts of human existence, but also the symbology between birth and death. With sex and procreation, a new cycle of life will begin developing until the day death will come and take your very last breath away.

Confuse?

When we understand that we are mortals, but most importantly, animals with instincts, the more questions related to sex and existence will dissipate.

I believe we have to access our realities before even think the possibility of having someone in our lives. Not only because every individual is at different levels of maturity and emotional development, but because monogamy should always be a topic to discuss in the early phases of dating.

To get to know someone, you should focus your attention on only one person, and never start dating someone after a breakup. Healthy people usually take one year or more to start a new relationship because they don’t have problems with being alone.

A real man or a real woman will be consistent with you through actions, show up by your side when your life is upside down. And don’t give a shit about what other people will think or say. They are looking for the real you and not for your penis or vagina. They will be your teacher, but they also want to be your student.

Personally, I don’t believe in unicorns or fairytales, neither in dramatic Hollywood happy endings. Call me cold, but I like to see myself as a woman who knows what she wants and where she is going. I don’t have sex with one man unless we have an established commitment because let’s be honest, we can have sex with ourselves, so why be in a hurry for less than we deserve?

What I describe in this article and the questions I raise is just the first step to avoid fall into toxic and destructive intimate relationships. Don’t fall for trends, penis, vaginas, or what society dictate. You want real love, don’t fake yourself.

Are you looking for a penis/vagina or a real man/woman?

Have a lovely week!

Alexandra

Em destaque

Let It Go Aka Freedom

Lately, I have been writing a lot at the Ouso Escrever, but also I have been studying a lot. So the more I know, and educate myself, the more I want to share valuable information that you can use in your life.

The question I have today for all of us is: Who do I want in my boat during rough times? Men or women, who jump out when the first wave hits the deck? Or Men or women, who stand with me no matter what the adversity is?

Last week I signed my inheritance waiver towards the belongings of my father and my mother. I did it for myself, and because deep inside my heart, I felt it was the right time to end a cycle in which past generations almost killed each other for a simple piece of land. And for me, this is what really means the power of letting go.

I have been questioning myself lately a lot, what was the propose of the last three years of my life. And the immediate answer was: surrender, let go and move toward your real path.

Who am I? Where I want to be in 1, 3, 6 years? What do I want to do with my life and in life?

Who I want to have in my life? Weak people? People who don’t know what they want? Someone who throws the towel to the floor at the first sign of difficulty?

NO!

I took the last twenty years of my life educating myself for showing up fully to life and love, so why accept less when I want more? Why should I limit myself to what I already know, when deep within I need to spread my wings and fly away to see more and amplify my brain and heart?

I have to be sincere, I was attracting the wrong type of people to my life, and you know why? Because I was showing only one of my facets. The strong, resilient, amazing, and fashionable woman that lures the attention of the wrong people.

You may ask: why were they wrong, Alexandra?

Because although I am indeed strong, resilient, and a diva in my way. But what about the other side of me? The woman who needs emotional support? The woman who sometimes don’t want only hear others, but also want others to hear her?

I had to stop, go inwards, reboot my perception of my reality and think: ok this doesn’t feel good, what am I doing wrong? I was editing myself and that it was what I was doing wrong!

I was editing my emotions, my beliefs, and my reality to make others happy. And yes, they took me for granted. I never, ever, in my life needed validation from anyone else, so why now adjust and diminish who I am and what I want?
My life can end tomorrow, and I want to leave this experience with a good feeling inside me. So why not let go of what I knew would always be there? Why not let go of people and situations that don’t fit me emotionally and energetically?

“Getting unstuck requires being truthful with yourself about how you feel—still angry, sad, or anxious, even though you wish you weren’t—but holding out the possibility that someday you might feel better.”

I am glad it is over! I am happy because, with 35 years old, I am discarding what doesn’t belongs to me. I am saying goodbye and rewriting my narrative. I am repairing things where I can and not allowing anyone else to ask for more than I can give. Because I need my oxygen, I don’t need to rescue or save anything or anyone.

So what is a real letting go?

  1. An opening act for a new beginning
  2. Say goodbye to the status quo and delusions.
  3. Cut the cord with the very person, the very situation that was destructive in the first place.
  4. Anchor yourself in the Future
  5. Discard everything and everyone that doesn’t fit your tomorrow because you are working for your higher interests. 
  6. Repair what you can
  7. Transform your narrative, forgive, and be present.

Good judgment always comes from a place of experience. I am happy and proud of all the things I lived, and I am proud of the woman and the human being I will be tomorrow. Remember, we need to let other people face their decisions. We need to let them experience what they need to learn, even if it means their suffering and regrets.

The best gift you can give to someone or a situation is the pleasure and the cure of your absence. Not because you are mean, but because it is your right to move forward and take the reins of your life.

I am strong, resilient, kind, generous, grounded, beautiful, or sexy. But most importantly, I am who I am. And like it or not is all I have to give.

Enjoy your weekend!

Alexandra

Em destaque

Catarina of Bragança, The Portuguese Who Changed England.

In times of feminist movements all over the place, let’s talk about history, but most importantly, understand that women always had power and important roles in society.
Portugal, even if some professors of other countries try to diminish the contribution of my country to how we perceive the world today, was the first history global empire, and the older in the European context.

I am a true believer and advocate that we, women, we are what and who we are, and the power of creation or co-creation lives within us.

If we know the history or at least studied history, we can identify women who had important roles in their countries. And others because of marriage, in the destiny nations, introduced important revolutions at the society level, costumes, and traditions.

Let me introduce the Princess Catarina of Bragança, daughter of the King João IV and consort Queen D. Luísa de Guzmán. Catarina was the second child of the royal couple and born on November 25 of 1638.

Luísa de Guzmán, well know in Portugal as the power behind the throne was an attentive and strict mother with the education of her children. She was responsible for the alliance between Portugal and England through the marriage of Catarina and the British king Charles II.

The nuptial agreement between the countries contemplated: England secured Tangier and the Seven Islands of Bombay. Also trading privileges in Brazil, East Indies, and two million Portuguese crowns (approximately 375.323 dollars). In return, Portugal would have British military and naval support.

This agreement, although in the eyes of the current history, was considered disadvantageous for Portugal. At the time, it allowed the country to maintain independence from Spain obtained in 1640.

Described by the British writer, Lillias Campbell Davidson, as one of the best and purest women who has sat in the English throne with twenty-five years old arrived in England (1662), and lived there for thirty years.

Despite being hated by the English court and having been the target of several conspiracies, Catarina and her exotic looks conquered the king. And the English people. Many historians considered her an ugly woman because of her short stature, pale face, and dark black hair. But it is undeniable that Catarina changed the British court and society.

Unable to carry pregnancy till the end, which would be probably a hereditary disease, Catarina left the following legacy to the English Nation:

  • The introduction of porcelain services and cutlery for meal 
  • The habit of drinking tea, known as the five o’clock tea with cookies
  • Brought the first Italian opera to England, in Somerset House
  • Orange marmalade
  • Introduction of the hand fan as a fashion prop.

The propose of this article is to remember all of you two things. Firstly, long-distance relationships aren’t a new concept as you might imagine, even if we are talking in this case about arranged marriages or strategic alliances. Secondly, women always had important roles in society and the ability to change everything they touch for better.

I don’t talk about the fact that King Charles II had children from other women, because it isn’t important. I want to elucidate the character strength of this woman, who was in a foreign country. Without friends and language as a barrier, she managed to play such a significant role in British society and costumes. Herself was the passport for what would be than the English Empire.

I can’t fail to mention that the Queens district in New York is a tribute to this woman.

Out of curiosity, do you know who founded one of the most important museums in the world, the Prado museum?

Princess Maria Isabel of Braganza, daughter of the Portuguese King João VI and consort Queen Carlota Joaquina of Spain.

With Love,

Alexandra

Em destaque

This Is How It Feels: Narcissistic Father’s

I know that, like me, there are in this world many women and men who had or still have a narcissistic father or mother in their lives. And in many cases, what happens is. Or we turn into a narcissist, or we become a person with deep empathy.

Fortunately, for myself and my bother, we had the lucky gift of having one wonderful grandfather who did the fatherhood role in our lives. For that reason, I don’t see myself as a victim. Instead, I have a strong personality, deep empathy, and also the clinic eye to understand what’s going on around me and others. That’s why I have this place here.

I will never regret how much love I gave in my life to other people, even if it was too much. I will never regret the amazing heart that I possess, and also the qualities so necessary in today’s world as consistency, availability, honesty, and self-worth. When you suffered abuse (emotional in my case), your brain changes, your body change, and you grow up out of the norm. The world, people, situations, and relationships are perceived differently. Easily you identify lies, inconsistent non-verbal communication, and negative energy that can drain your vitality.

Yes, I am a woman who needs nature to recharge, I don’t give a fuck about what other people think, and yes, you are not alone in this world. Never blame yourself because you dated wrong people, understand they are the catalyst to healing internal wounds that we may possess.

Yes, I am the daughter of a narcissistic father, but that is just a little single part of the human being I am today. Was it hard? Yes, it was! I came from hell, literally. But I am here, alive, and so you will be.

Find a good therapist who is specialized in trauma bond or narcissistic abuse to understand your pain and how you feel. Feel free to remove them from your life and never look back.
Understand that when you experience love from a healthy partner, you will give back that love in double. Some will be frightened, but communication is the key. And if they decide to leave, don’t chase.

As Dr. Anoushka Marcin or even Dr. Ramani explain in their videos, maybe you heard your entire life that you were too dramatic, too intense, or sensitive. Don’t let their inability to understand who you are even after you explained, to play a cognitive dissonance in how you perceive reality. I heard this shit my entire life, and after my awakening, oh dear God, please save the world because no one will stop me now.

Use your abilities to succeed in life for you, use your success and your story to educate the world. Never seek revenge and never, ever allow anyone to dictate your self-worth.

Take care of your heart and soul, and maybe, we will find love in someone who has the same level of empathy as us. Till there, be the best partner you can for yourself.

With all my love,

Alexandra

Em destaque

“I’m Done!” – The Perils of Infatuation

Today I decided to share a conversation that happened on youtube while ago between another user and me. Breakups are hard. And a large percentage of them tend to occur in moments of anxiety, and misunderstandings.

When we go “no contact” after a breakup, it isn’t because we are playing mind games, but because we want to heal, grow, and move on with our lives. We all know that time apart helps our brain and body to recover from the loss, and also re-establish the normal function of our endocrine system.

No contact is also a form of respect for our ex-partner’s wishes and desires. with our silence, we are saying to them: “I heard what you want and need!”

The example I bring here is the reflection of how long it can take for us to recover from a breakup. Also, after two months, the ex-partner tried to contact her, which stopped the healing process, awakening doubts, and longing feelings.

So what all this means?

Most of us don’t know or had someone to teach us at home what is real love and intimacy.

Love is: Action and Muscle!
Intimacy is: Into me see

Soon I will write one article about fearful-avoidant attachment style. But now, I can say that men or women who have attachment trauma are more prone to experiment limerence and a strong need to finish relationships out of the blue, which is dangerous for them. Why? Limerence is not only addictive but also a response to trauma. Homeostatic impulse or confirmation bios like we call in psychology is the subconscious attraction towards what is familiar, and the repulse towards what is unfamiliar.

Example: You meet a partner that your conscious mind say he or she is healthy for you. But something is missing, you don’t feel the intense attraction of the beginning, and their actions of love are quite repulsive. Your subconscious mind will give you all the shreds of evidence why you should dump them. On the paper, and for real, they are amazing people, but you, because you have attachment trauma, you will discard them and seek what is familiar. And familiarity, in this case, is toxicity.

Limerence or Infatuation happens when:

  1. You are drawn to traits in another person that you are repressing in yourself. 
  2. You have a deep unmet need. 
  3. You have painful stories about yourself.

We all experience limerence in the early stages of one relationship. But for individuals with attachment trauma, limerence can lead them to bad decisions in life, reject healthy partners and also, lack of consistency to sustain a relationship.
The rule is, the more you have a lack, the more you crave wholeness. So, the more lack of something, the more infatuation you will feel for someone.

“Levitan offers a handy list of five signs that suggest that an infatuation is not to be trusted. 

  1. The infatuation is the whole relationship. There’s nothing else there. No shared vision or values of the life pathways you both want. Minimal shared interests. Not much to talk about after the initial getting-to-know-you conversations.
  2. You’re so caught up in the chemistry of initial attraction that you can’t, or don’t want to, see who the person really is.
  3. You’re infatuated and at the same time know that the person is bad for you. 
  4. You’re moving toward marriage but find yourself thinking about someone you’ve dated in the past, or looking at others you might date in the future.
  5. You know at some level that you are wasting your time enjoying being infatuated with someone whom you wouldn’t want to marry. “

Infatuation or limerence are repeated thoughts and impulses that mimic what you have done in the past and raise the hell on you to keep you in your comfort zone.

Now to the end of this article and to make you think:

What most people nowadays do after a breakup?

They go to dating apps to seek new validation or start dating new people right away, mimic again what they have done in the past. The cycle will only end when they realize that love begins within and trauma exist not to demonize who we are, but to help us to grow.

I hope the girl on the youtube commentary one day find the love she deserves, because I believe and feel, that people who educate themselves to be better humans deserve the best.

With love,

Alexandra

Em destaque

Sexual and Intimacy Anorexia is Abuse!

Imagine that you are in one committed relationship, but for some reason, you feel that your partner withholds sex and intimacy. Inside your gut, the alarming bell is always on the warning mode telling there is something unnatural. He or she doesn’t kiss you that much, don’t hold hands with you, might walk ahead from you on the street. And sex is mechanical like he or she is doing you a favor, or to satisfy themselves. They miss when you are away, but when you are near, you can sense their discomfort.

The experience of hot and cold dynamic start to deplete you emotionally and after many conversations trying to understand the situation, seems to be no resolution in sight.

You may ask yourself: Is he or she into me? Am I attractive enough? Where is the man or the woman at the beginning of our relationship?

Believe it or not, attachment styles explains the roots of how we relate with others and how we see sex. And because the video I will use to this article has the title – why the narcissist frustrates you sexually? – You have to know that narcissism is a toxic protective shield of individuals with low self-esteem and emotionally damaged.

Individuals, men, or women, with avoidant or fearful-avoidant attachment style, will withhold sex from you as a form of control, fear of intimacy, fear of enmeshment, or emotional suffocation. They did not experience emotional attunement and consistency while growing up, so real intimacy is perceived as something dangerous. 

What this will cost long term:

  • Disconnection in relationships
  • More frequent break-ups
  • More short-term relationships; low number of long-term relationships
  • Lack of closeness
  • Decreased sexual arousal and pleasure
  • Isolated and lonely sexual experiences (compulsive masturbation, addiction to pornography)
  • Higher levels of Inhibition and anxiety
  • Dissatisfied Spouses
  • Creation of superficial and quick relationships

Typically, we, society, perceive abuse, or associate the word abuse with physical action. However, the most destructive form happens in silence and within what should be a place of sharing and love.
If we look at those individuals with attachment trauma, or with avoidant/ fearful-avoidant attachment style, they experienced abuse in their lives. And being avoidant, or avoid intimacy is a technique to protect themselves from pain and rejection.

We are not fixed or broken beings. People with attachment trauma can learn to open up and be more emotionally and sexually expressive. Learn new skills to connect with themselves and their bodies to gain self-awareness, acceptance, and personal growth.

Withhold sex from your partner is abusive and blame him or her for the problems of the relationship dismissing your participation in the dynamic is also part of that abusive cycle. In severe cases, attachment trauma and narcissism can cohabit, so you will seek romantic fantasies, and jump from one relationship to another without looking after your actions, words, and punitive behaviors towards others, and yourself.

The key to starting the change happens when we admit we have a problem and that we need help.

Where to find professional help:

https://www.betterhelp.com

https://www.psychology.org.au/for-the-public/about-psychology/types-of-psychologists/Counselling-psychology

With love,

Alexandra

Em destaque

One Year Of Ouso Escrever

Today, precisely a year ago, I started my journey with Ouso Escrever, on the WordPress Platform.
Before I begin this new article, I would like to thank all of you that subscribed, read, and at least internalize the message that my words intend to convey.

So far as I can remember, I always had this innate ability to write. And talk about controversial topics that the population, in general, shouldn’t avoid. We are now living in this period, where most individuals are lazy and whimsical to make intimate relationships work in their lives.

Men and women, nowadays, jump from one relationship to another relationship when the honeymoon phase ends. They are addicted to fantasy, to hormones as drug addicts are to heroin or cocaine. And behind them, they left a wide range of human beings hurt, and wondering for themselves what went wrong.

A real relationship is when you hold hands, and together, you pass the portal to the second phase of the relationship. The second phase of one intimate relationship happens when reality settles down, and you and your partner can overcome misunderstandings. And yes, in some days, you will hate each other but still see him or her as the person you love.

Understand that some men or women are just good at the first stage of the relationship. They run to fast and too ahead of what they can sustain. They might make plans with you, being the ones saying first how much they love you, that you are the best thing they had ever, and then poof! They disappear, they play the hot and cold game, that love you but aren’t in love with you, or they may string you along while you are doing all the relationship work. And then, when you establish boundaries or call them out, they discard you and even might invoke “too much drama” excuse.

Is everyone like this today? No! But to attract the right partner, we should adjust our selection process and feel who we are and what we want.

Never blame who you are just because a relationship didn’t go well. Acknowledge what you learned from the experience, work on yourself, re-attract your energy from the person, and the situation.

If you are a smart dater, and I believe you are, after a breakup, you will want and need to stay alone. Because you know emotionally healthy and mature people take a break from the dating sphere, after losing someone that they used to have one romantic attachment. Someone that they used to call their partner.

This has been my message to all of you since the beginning of this place. So, once again, thank you so much for being part of my WordPress family. The Portuguese/Dutch girl here will continue doing her writing to share knowledge and doing her part to make this world a better place to live.

With love,

Alexandra

Em destaque

Narcissists And The Silent Treatment

The silent treatment is one amateur, immature, and selfish way to act in relationships. The act of silent treatment itself reveals a lack of self-awareness and the capacity to regulate emotions. It doesn’t matter if they are narcissists or not silent treatment is part of the range of toxic and harmful attitudes to a relationship.

Remember, bad behavior is unacceptable, and you have the power not only to erase that from your life but also to train yourself to find a healthy partner. Able to have healthy conversations and love you in your moments of glory or weakness.

With Love,

Alexandra

Em destaque

Online Romance Scams: Aussies And Americans Are The Targets

Last year were reported that Australians lost over 28.6 million dollars and Americans 201 million dollars in online romance scams.

My first question is: What a hell are we doing with people, relationships, and love?

As you all know, I had a long distant relationship for two years, and no, it’s not easy. Not because you don’t have real feelings and love for the other person, but because to visit your partner and spend with him or her quality time, it involves your ability to save money and also the disposition to move forward with the relationship. I can give the example that when he was in Portugal with me, I just allowed him to pay sometimes the lunch, nothing more. And the same happened when I was in Australia. He paid our stay in one beautiful apartment near the beach, and I cooked for us and bought the ingredients for it.

Although our relationship ended the way it did in the second time I was in Australia, it would never cross my mind to ask him money for anything or play games with his feelings. For example, on his birthday last September, and from Portugal, I exchanged emails and messages with one Australian pastry chef to make him a birthday cake. The cake was ready on his birthday, and he went to the cake shop to get it.

For me, this is love in action!

So yes, you can definitely have long-distance relationships, which the end goal is to build a life together. It is part of our human nature the need to connect with other individuals and praise them with our consistency and love. So, sadly, I don’t understand all this nightmare around dating and love.

How can someone use another human being to steal money “in the name of love”? How can someone use the vulnerabilities of another human being to exploit and destroy self-esteem?

I can understand that this modern society detached sex from love and removed old protocols in the dating reality. But that would be amazing if, in return, we would replace the old with a new and fresh vision of what and how should be a relationship between two individuals.

I would be thrilled if men and women would start to pay attention to life and prospective red flags in dating.

A recent study conducted by Harvard enlightened that men and women should stay away from prospective partners who have a public Instagram profile where they self promote who they are with selective and edited pictures. Bikini pictures, half-naked pictures, trip pictures, selfie-pictures with edition. Why? Those individuals are prone to accept friendships from other people and engage with them in sexy flirtation conversations while in one relationship. Also, the new trend, women use Instagram on dating apps to build their followings.

The way women and men use their profile on Instagram is a red flag that shouldn’t be ignored when you are looking for a long-term intimate partner.

For example, in Russia, girls take classes to seduce foreigners. Rina Piantanida, who married a Greek, has a series of youtube on how to “win” a foreigner man. And no, I’m not saying it is a scam, but we should stop a reflect about this.

You can see the full article here: https://www.rbth.com/lifestyle/331087-seduce-foreigner-training-in-russia

Online dating, as I wrote in previous articles, should be one of the ways to meet new people, not the only one. The online dating pool is the favorite place to emotionally unavailable individuals, narcissists, sociopaths, and scammers navigate. The percentage of people that navigates in those platforms and really want a real relationship and are emotionally healthy is small.

Remember that those platforms were created to addict you to the process of online shopping for mates and that using electronic communication to perform the courting process is just having one relationship with the most insecure parts of ourselves.

The idealization of the partner à la carte removes you from the possibility to create a meaningful and real connection, not because you don’t have enough options, but because the illusion you have inside your head is too grander.

So my best advice to you is: Learn how to survive and thrive in an age of bullshit, but most importantly, don’t dump good and real men or women just because you think you can do better. The paradox of choice is here to confuse you and tear you apart from real love.

Have a lovely week,

Alexandra

Sources: https://edition.cnn.com/2020/02/14/us/online-romance-scams-losses-trnd/index.html

https://thenewdaily.com.au/life/tech/2020/02/09/romance-scams-australia-2019/

Em destaque

Why Break Up With a Narcissist Isn’t a Normal Breakup?

I may repeat myself, but I will always emphasize that a real relationship is created to help us to dominate our emotions.

Life has these amazing ways to attract certain kinds of individuals not to torture us, but to illuminate and help us to navigate through those places where fear freeze our ability to move forward.

A real partnership is a place where you hold hands and work together as a team to face challenges. Side by side step by step, you gain the ability and genuine curiosity to know your partner, and understand his or her deepest fears without judgment. To help, to nourish, and assist him or her to succeed. You are there always available, and consistent, without games.

When your relationship ends, you may feel the pain, the loss, but over time you will remember how much you learned with this person. And most likely, he or she will stay in good light for the rest of your life.

So the question remains, why when a relationship with Narcissist individuals ends don’t feel that way? And who is a Narcissist individual?

True pathological narcissism, has always been rare and remains, only one 1 percent of the population suffer from this condition. So what we are experiencing in our current society is the rise of individuals with high traits of narcissism promoted by one environment where everything should be a competition. Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, and most dating apps like Tinder, PlentyofFish, and OkCupid, are just a few examples of the pool where these individuals navigate, brag about their lives, and seek new sources of supply.

Individuals with higher narcissistic traits also have an avoidant, or fearful-avoidant attachment style. So your chances to meet and date one are pretty high. Yet, all of us need to stay away from that standard image of that narcissist’s love cars, money and looks. Grandiose narcissists care about money, cars, and beauty, but what about covert or vulnerable narcissists?

Covert or vulnerable narcissist individuals are more prone to introversion than other types of narcissism. Although they have grandiose fantasies, they feel inadequate, they are shy, have a deep tendency to hold grudges, envy, anxiety, and emptiness.

So Why Break Up With a Narcissist Isn’t a Normal Breakup? The answer is simple, Illusion. Why an Illusion? Because when you start a relationship with them, they will apply the love-bomb technique to lock you down because they know you are a good source to suppress their self-void. In this period, hormones like dopamine and oxytocin will run wild and free in their brain, and that’s when their love for you happens.

Narcissist individuals can experience love, but not the form of love that healthy mature people perceive. Love is a transaction for them, even when they are experiencing this intoxicating cocktail of love hormones, which they are addicted.

They want to know your dreams, “provide” the life you deserve, sell you the perfect life, your private details to reach your brain, and later gaslight you. That will be the second phase of your relationship until the devaluation and discard.

It is only mirroring and won’t last forever, because they are chasing a fantasy fairytale, not a real relationship or person. 

They don’t bond with you, so when you start to call them out, or when you try to educate them, they devalue and discard you without looking back.
We should understand that, deep down, these individuals will do whatever they can to avoid, repress, and ignore where they stand emotionally.

When you reach, the devalue, and discard stage, blindsided, is the word to define how you will feel. You will feel the pain, the loss, the anger not only for the relationship you had, but also for the relationship and the person you thought you had.

After the discard what they will do? Chase a new fantasy (means a new person), and you will be completely devastate. You may ask yourself how he or she can move on so fast? Remember, they never had a bond with you. So they are already searching for a new person because they can’t stand and face their inner vacuum, and won’t get back to you because you already know who they are.

These men or women want to live Hollywood fantasies and go through the raindrops, not the real challenges of a real relationship.
If you read the book “Attached”, which I highly recommend, you will understand this dynamic.

Tips for you:

  1. Don’t avoid your feelings and if you have wounds, heal them because it is what attracts narcissists, and other forms of emotionally unavailable people. 
  2.  Understand where you stand in this relationship and don’t buy the love-bombing phase. 
  3. Don’t go to dating websites when you are feeling lonely, or having big life-changing events in your life. 
  4. Meet people organically and start from friendship. 
  5. Learn to say no.
  6. Acknowledge it takes time to trust and be vulnerable with someone. 
  7. When you reject a narcissist even if they discarded you, they are forced to confront their emptiness, that’s why they need someone new to avoid it. 
  8. Individuals higher in narcissism tended to post selfies and self-presented photos, bikini photos, update their profile picture more often, and spend more time on Instagram, as compared to their counterparts. 
  9. Narcissists will frustrate you sexually.
  10. After the discard, go no contact to heal and move forward.
  11. LOVE WHO YOU ARE AND UNIFY YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF!

To close this article, what narcissist individual fears the most? A STRONG YOU!

Warning: Not all therapists will acknowledge your pain, so please, if you can seek therapists trained in narcissistic abuse, and trauma bond.

I will write more about this topic.

Have a lovely weekend!

Alexandra

Em destaque

Slow Down To Wake Up!

In my previous articles, I decided to share personal information because, like me, many women and even men are experiencing hardships or trauma events. Unfortunately, not all of us have the strength or the ability to use stress coping strategies to deal with life challenges.

The more I live, the more I believe how some individuals are so ungrateful to have amazing partners, children, and friends in their lives. It is unbelievable the number of games and strategies they use to destroy or erode relationships. Some do it consciously, others unconsciously.

In the second week of January, I had for the very first time in my life, a nervous breakdown after being exposed for so long to constant stressful events at work, and responsibilities.
And yes, the end of my intimate relationship, as I have already reported here, was the last drop of water that made the glass overflow. I felt literally dead and emotionally listless.

I can recall the first symptoms around June/July of 2019 because I was always tired, had insomnia episodes, and a deep desire to eat things with sugar. Besides that, I was emotional and physically harassed by my father and his friends. And here, here I call your attention to seek information about narcissism, smear campaigns, and flying monkeys. This shit is real and can destroy your health and the most precious thing that lives within you, life!

I am a strong woman, I don’t let people put me down, and I can deal with stress events well. But this time, there was something different. I felt a void I felt anger, I felt betrayed, I felt lost, abandoned and deep sadness. So I decided to seek professional help, but this time in trauma, emotional abuse, and loss.


As my therapist told me, throughout my life, I have been the woman who goes ahead and has goals. Those around me, end up leaning on me, and when I needed their support, they couldn’t provide it, or they ran away because it was too much. That’s why we should slow down and look around us, watch actions, not words. Because with the demands of life, we got easily distracted and go with the flow. We think we have support and love, when in fact, we don’t have at all.

“It is also important to be aware that even if you have had a secure attachment style from childhood, this style could deviate in the direction of having a fearful style if you subsequently experience a major loss, such as the death of a parent, or if you are otherwise traumatized (e.g., violent crime, or being in a long-term, emotionally abusive relationship.)”

Life isn’t a game. Humans beings aren’t toys that we use today, and tomorrow we don’t want because we don’t feel the limerence anymore. Human beings deserve respect, compassion, and deep feelings of love and understanding. Why is this so hard for some individuals to understand?

Why are we keeping alive this fucking game where dishonesty and unfaithfulness are the master keys of this society? Why are we protecting emotional abuse towards healthy people, and not punishing bad behavior? It is a sickness!

Abuse seems to be the new norm in the modern but not so fashion society.

In my recovery process, I was obliged to quit my job, file a criminal complaint against my father for emotional abuse, violence, and our company’s money misappropriation. I also had to remove my presence from social media, establish three days a week to go swimming. Reconnect with who I am, close friends, and family.

When your body is screaming to you is time to leave, accept and move forward because life is short to waste time with things and individuals that don’t see who you are because their inner turmoil is too intense to make them see the light.

To finish my article, I would like to share with you a video from one man, who has a strong voice. The warm voice with traces of sweetness.

Time and Time again, by Nick J Wood

With love,

Alexandra

Em destaque

Time Out From Dating!

After the end of one relationship, be it with a narcissist or a regular individual, it is imperative to take a long break from the dating world and acknowledge what needs to be changed.
We, human beings, need connections the most, but I am an active advocate that we also lose amazing partners because of familiarity with toxic blindness.
Toxic blindness happens when your brain sends you signals that your partner is boring because of the absence of the trigger for the emotional roller coaster that is required to feel the familiar passion.

“Familiar passion” is the reason why many men and women dump good partners. The ambivalent love they experienced in their childhood through their parents programmed their brain to recognize consistency, kindness, and compassion from a prospective partner as a turn-off. Because the thrill of the chase in this dynamic is absent, which in reality erodes real connections to happen, they will seek out more familiar targets even if they remain single forever.

I would like you to understand that everything has a contribution to how we perceive love, even our hormones. And talking about hormones, the honeymoon phase for emotionally unavailable individuals are way shorter than for the rest of the population. Their propendency to addiction leads them to believe once the honeymoon phase wears off, they don’t love their partner anymore and so they have to replace the person.

Listen to this video with attention and take care of your heart and soul.

With love,

Alexandra

“Here are the reasons why taking a break from dating can help us to sort through other issues, so that when we get back in the saddle, there’s a chance of relationships going in better directions:

1. Relationships can be re-traumatizing.

2. Dysfunctional relationships prevent personal growth.

3. Relationships interfere with psychotherapy.

4. Relationships can keep us from doing what we really want to do.

5. Letting ourselves get pulled into familiar relationships can prevent us from finding new relationships.

Source: Psychology Today

Em destaque

Amalia Rodrigues By Cuca Roseta

Amália Rodrigues was known as the “Queen of Fado” and was most influential in popularizing the fado worldwide. She performed around the world where love was the center of her music lyrics. With her voice, she touched the dark side of love and the joy behind the suffering.

Today and to share my Portuguese culture with all of you, I introduce the Portuguese singer Cuca Roseta singing one of my favorite Amalia songs.

And yes, we, Portuguese women, we possess distinct facial feature and unique beauty.

I hope you enjoy the melody, the voice, and vibrato.

Alguém que Deus já lá tem
Pintor consagrado
Que foi bem grande
E nos dói já ser do passado
Pintou numa tela
Com arte e com vida
A trova mais bela
Da terra mais querida

Subiu a um quarto que viu
À luz do petróleo
E fez o mais português
Dos quadros a óleo
Um Zé de Samarra
Com a amante a seu lado
Com os dedos agarra
Percorre a guitarra
E ali vê-se o fado

Faz rir a ideia de ouvir
Com os olhos senhores
Fará, mas não para quem já o viu
Mas em cores
Há vozes de Alfama
Naquela pintura
E a base derrama
Canções de amargura

Dali vos digo que ouvi
A voz que se esmera
Boçal de um Faia banal
Cantando a Severa
Aquilo é bairrista
Aquilo é Lisboa
Boémia e fadista
Aquilo é de artista
Aquilo é Malhoa

Aquilo é bairrista
Aquilo é Lisboa
Boémia e fadista
Aquilo é de artista
Aquilo é Malhoa

With my love,

Alexandra

Em destaque

Australia and Alexandra Journey

Since I was a little girl, I always remember myself thinking about having a family on my own and a place that I would call home sweet home.
Even though, years later, that reality would be partially shattered by the Rokistanslky diagnosed. I knew I would find a way to cope with this and have healthy intimate relationships with others. In my previous article, I talked about narcissism and other sorts of abusive behaviors that we should be aware of while we are getting to know and dating someone. This reality is especially true for men and women that were raised by an abusive father or mother.

I had only two long term relationships, not because I didn’t have perspective men seeking a relationship with me, but because I always had and still have this motto in my life: “Don’t give your precious “cookie” away for at least 30 days!”.

My vagina and my body are the most precious things I have in this life, so I have to nourish, cherish and protect it as long as I can from people that are unhealthy or unable to see.

When I look back and see in the chronology when these two relationships happened, I understand it was in moments of intense vulnerability and where it was easy to hook me up through love bombing. The first relationship happens after a while of my surgery to correct Rokistansky syndrome, the second when I was dealing with a huge emotional roller coaster solving all the mess in the farming business. I am not ashamed to say either that these two men were the only sexual partners that I have had so far.

The second relationship and the way it ended was a huge punch in the soul for four reasons:

  1. I loved him deeply
  2. I was in Australia without my network of support
  3. I was emotionally empty after a long 2019 year in court battles and working at the sunflower fields. 
  4. The conversations I heard before the break-up made me feel like I was with him to get a visa and get married quickly because of money. 

There was something inside me warning that the discard was coming, that I was an intrude, and not welcome at all. Because one thing is what you hear, another thing completely different is the non-verbal communication and the energy around you. And the funny but not so funny thing around all this was a dear friend of mine, who lives there, told me it wasn’t a good idea to stay at his parent’s house. And she was the only person that ask me to send messages till I arrive in Portugal again.

In normal circumstances, this relationship wouldn’t reach almost the two years mark, because of these examples:

  1. Telling one online friend (female) that he never saw in his life that he was coming to Portugal to visit me.
  2. That woman asked him how was sex and if he was in love, which he replied “I guess so”
  3. He sent pictures to her of the view that we had from our bedroom hotel
  4. He had sent me print screens of one conversation between him and one colleague of his degree, where she shows to him another conversation where one girl wants to get married to him. 
  5. He said he showed me that because it was funny, and I am a secure partner.
  6. When I was looking for jobs to apply in Australia, and after I shared with him I lost one of my farms, he said I was trying to use him to get a visa as his brother’s girlfriend did.
  7. He calls his brother’s girlfriend bitch, narcissist, but added her on Facebook.

I could write so much more about this topic, but the only thing that I want you to understand is that we need to be careful. If you desire to move to another country seeking a new life or spread your acknowledgment, don’t accept a partner visa. I would never accept that because I have a university diploma, and I could apply to the Skilled Independent Visa.

My responsibility in all this was I let things went too far. I should have ended the relationship and went back to Australia to take care of my life only. My life is a precious asset that I don’t allow anyone to mistreat, use, or discard. This man gave me all the signs that he never saw me. What he saw was the image he has about what should be a woman and what that woman should give to him.

We can fall in love with people from different countries, but if you can, don’t use dating apps to meet your future partner. Or at least know your boundaries and educate yourself about attachment styles and emotional unavailability. There are plenty of men and women that will love us for who we are, even when we are in the middle of all this pandemic of narcissism and selfishness.

To conclude my article, I have to say that I only shared with my ex-partner partial parts of the rokitansky journey. Why? Because now, I understand, I never felt emotionally safe to do so because he was sharing our conversations with his family. And this one enormous red flag, because when you can’t share your intimate journey with your partner, he or she isn’t the right person for you.

We had good moments I will carry those moments forever inside me, but now it is time to continue my healing process, and live my beautiful life.

Remember: Know what you want, speak your truth, and move forward.

With all my love,

Alexandra

Em destaque

“The Dawn Of The Dating Apocalypse”

Yesterday, 1th June, was the World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day Established in 2016. I decided only to write about it today for two main reasons. The reason number one I am a survivor of this type of abuse, and secondly, because it will be a personal post, I wanted to make sure that I would be able to provide insightful education about this topic.

For you, who follows my blog from the very beginning, I believe you do understand that I am an advocate of sincerity, compassion, and real love/intimacy connections. My brain can’t process how and why people play games, and why others, teach these people to play those games. We, human beings, are living the apocalypse of emotional bankruptcy, which seems socially acceptable to exist.

In the last twenty years of my life, I’ve been the target of consecutive emotional abuse, smear campaigns (which are abuse also), and other sorts of emotional manipulations, that in “normal” circumstances would lead me to commit suicide. But exceptionally, and thanks to my personality, I have remained firm and loyal to my goals, and my life.

I wrote here in the past that my father is abusive, a pure narcissist that destroyed our family in all areas, and alienated my mother by controlling her through financial dependency. These people suck the good on you, punch your soul, and in the eyes of society, they are the saviors of the motherland. I became his target because I discovered he was cheating on my mother, that he was embezzling the company’s money to feed his mistress and luxurious life.
This pathological behavior can destroy your entire life because of the law and medical system, and even some therapists don’t recognize narcissism as a crime.

Now, why are we living the dawn of the dating apocalypse? Social media and dating apps are the center stage for narcissists and other unavailable emotional forms of people to seek their fresh supply. These platforms allow these individuals to construct a very convincing and compelling false mask that lures potential targets into various scams. A majority of online dating users have been shown to have profiles that stray from the truth in some capacity (Wood, 2012).

Our current hookup culture and the rise of online dating apps have made emotional unavailability a new normal (Garcia, et. al 2012). That’s why we see so many people feeling entitled to all the benefits of one intimate relationship without actually being in one. Older and younger generations are becoming accustomed to the idea of having another date or rebound at their fingertips, without doing the inner work of healing from past relationships or their self-esteem.

Men and women “lash out” into a new partner without grieve or learn from past mistakes proclaiming their love for the new source of supply.

I never used dating apps to meet or date people, but two years ago, I decided to give it a try, and through OkCupid, I meet my ex-partner. What was, I thought, a stable relationship became a nightmare last 3rd of January when he discarded me. I was literally on the other side of the world, without my family and friends, just with him and his family, and after many commentaries that upset me, he decided it was over. From the goddess on the pedestal, I became the piece of crap, the unnecessary toy.

After five months of our break up, he is back to the dating scene, which leads to the question: who is the emotionally healthy person that after a relationship of two years will seek right away a new relationship? I know this because the last time I went on Facebook, I received a notification that he added a woman from another nationality again. (The show must go on)

Since January, I have been working on myself with the help of my therapist because I was emotionally drained and exhausted. This beautiful tall woman has been in the first row of the battle. Fighting, helping, giving who she truly is. The only social media page I have, Facebook, I left it for good. I don’t want to see or hear bullshit because this is my moment, and my time to heal.

To conclude my article, I would like to say to you this: never be ashamed of who you are. For those of you who had narcissistic fathers or mothers, you will be a magnet to emotionally unavailable people and narcissists themselves. We can’t diagnose these individuals, but we always can seek information from credible sources that will help us to identify the red flags.

Women and Men are here to live a real-life and full experience where compassion and understanding should be the key to harmonize intimate and social connections. Remember, you are worthy of a great and healthy relationship that begins within yourself. If you are a highly sensitive or an empath person like I am, understand that not all people have your integrity or transparency. Not all people have the ability to sense the surrounding energies and empathy to wear your shoes.

One trained therapist in these areas will help you to understand how your brain works and how you should avoid cognitive dissonance.

Forms of emotional abuse in online/offline dating:

Breadcrumbing
Ghosting
Benching
Catfishing
Curve
Kittenfisáing
Love Bombing
Microcheating
Orbiting
Roaching
Situationship

Don’t buy online dating, don’t buy any kind of shitty treatment!

Wish you well,

Alexandra

Em destaque

Between Good or Bad: Choose To Be Present Within Yourself!

Think about this:

“Whether it’s society’s pressure, our culture, or the drive to try and make everyone happy around us, we all face obstacles to going deeper within our reality. This can leave us feeling unfulfilled, anxious, and depressed, searching for meaning outside ourselves, and trying anything to develop a real connection. Many of us feel that money or fame will fulfill us. We believe the story sold to us that building a company, finding a perfect partner, having a great career, or traveling the world will lead us to true happiness. We search all over for that peaceful sense of fulfillment, and we struggle to find it. Because it’s not outside ourselves; it’s within us. Once we understand this very concept, we can finally become good enough for life. We can finally start seeking approval from the only person who matters: ourselves. “

Some tips:

  1. Don’t use temporary forms of instant gratification (alcohol; drugs; sex; gambling; dating apps)
  2. Sit with your discomfort
  3. Live with intention
  4. Use the real you to influence others to be themselves
  5. Observe your own life and events inherent to it.

You are the center of your life, remember who you were right before society told you what you should be.

Portugal, May 2020

With all my love,

Alexandra

Em destaque

Why is this Adele Song So Educational?

Adele song – Send my love (To your new lover) – teach us the reason why we shouldn’t fall in love faster in the initial stages of dating. The Love Bombing phase, which is one form of abuse, is a technique used by an unavailable partner category where we can insert people with avoidant attachment. Narcissists and other forms of personalities that are afraid of real intimacy.

“This was all you, none of it me
You put your hands all over my body and told me, umm
You told me you were ready
For the big one, for the big jump
I’d be your last love everlasting you and me
That was what you told me
I’m giving you up
I’ve forgiven it all
You set me free,
Oh Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We’ve gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain’t kids no more”

Everything is fast, you are their god or goddess, and you have a pedestal in their imagination, which is running wild and free since the very first moment they saw you. They pull you into this amazing dream, where you are perfect, their soul mate, till one day they see you are a real person.

Yes, you can see them, you love them, but they can’t see you. Sooner, the fade away phase will start, and you won’t understand why.
If you are one educational partner, and you tried to have a conversation with no results, you won’t chase and give them the breakup they want.

“I was too strong you were trembling
You couldn’t handle the hot heat rising (rising), umm
Baby I’m so rising
I was running, you were walking
You couldn’t keep up, you were falling down (down), umm
There’s only one way down
I’m giving you up
I’ve forgiven it all
You set me free, oh”

After the breakup/discard, they will find somebody else with whom the same scene will be played. But if you are emotionally healthy, no contact will be the source of happiness and self-healing that you deserve.

You will rise again, and they will remember your name forever because you didn’t stay in their harem, and no one can replace the real person you were, and always will be.

All my love for you,

Alexandra

Em destaque

No Contact Is For You And Forever!

After a breakup, if you are the dumpee, you will experience separation anxiety, which will give you diarrhea, panic attacks, headaches, obsessive thoughts, nightmare dreams. And all the pain and fears of the universe. Your cortisol will run wild and free, and yes, it’s normal, you will cry like a baby.

You are experiencing the death of someone you used to love with the aggravating that they are still alive. So when your ex asks you to be friends, please go directly with no contact and leave them alone.

No contact is forever. No contact isn’t a game that you use to manipulate your ex. And no, it isn’t 30 or 60 days like you can see all over the web, that’s bullshit to make you buy recovering programs which won’t allow you to heal and find your inner peace.

The real characteristics of real no Contact:

  1. Time to focus on yourself and redefine yourself and your goals.Work on yourself with professional guidance. Try to find a therapist who has a specialization in Attachment styles and Trauma bonds.
  2. Journal daily all your thoughts and feelings about the relationship and the breakup because while you do this, you are creating new neuro paths within your brain.
  3.  Cease interactions in social media, and mute them.
  4. Uninstall social media apps from your cell phone for a while.
  5. Retract your energy from your ex, cutting those obsessive thoughts and inner conversations with him or her.
  6.  If you were a really good partner, let life teach them the lessons they need to learn. 
  7. Use this time to grieve, to breath and educate yourself to love again. 
  8. It doesn’t matter if they are avoidants, have narcissistic traits, or other kinds of broken personalities.
  9. No contact is for you and all about you, not about them.
  10.  Think about your dreams and how to make them real. 
  11. Don’t let other people take advantage of this vulnerable moment.
  12. Don’t go back to dating apps, and please introduce yourself in real-life situations without fear. Dating apps, unfortunately, have a small percentage of people that are open to having one real romantic relationship. But this will be for another article.
  13. Research has shown that thinking about back burners, even for a few minutes, can lower investment in a current partner (Drouin, Miller, & Dibble, 2015). Don’t be one!!

Unfortunately, like everything in life, there are out there people that will offer quick remedies to fix your pain. Don’t buy that. Once again, seek if you can, in your area professional help, and even if you don’t like the professional you are seeing, you can change to another one.

I know how awful these moments are, I have been there recently, and this is my professional contribution to help you get through it.

Breakups are real. Breakups are the death of one relationship. Find peace within yourself, and please, receive my warm hug.

My love for you,

Alexandra

Em destaque

The Healing Journey of Slowing Down

As the book “Guide to Intuitive Healing” describes, we all possess an intuitive language, which is the essence of who we are and our energy.
During our life journey, some people are amazing to be around, while others deplete all the goodness we possess inside.
The truth is when we interact with another person, more than just verbal communication. There is an energy exchange that can affect your well-being.

Here are the five types of personalities that can drain you:

  1. Narcissists
  2. The Eternal Victim, with the “poor-me” attitude
  3. The Controller
  4. The Constant Talker
  5. The Drama Queen

To understand why this happens and stop the cycle, we have to understand and accept our mammal instincts. As human beings, we like to attach with other people, love them, help them, be part of their lives. So when you are with someone you love, your brain releases oxytocin, and when around by people who you can’t trust releases cortisol.
Crying is one of the consequences and the biological necessity after the cortisol release. For this reason, we should always scan our bodies and understand that the experiences we are living in are real.

Change your reality by changing your behavior and rewiring your brain:

To stop the destructive and unhealthy patterns, rewire the brain will be your key to success. It will be a difficult task because build new neuron connections paths will challenge your abilities and make you feel uncomfortable. You are so used to what is old, that it becomes a norm. Look at people, who in the dating world they accept prospective partners who ghost, gaslight, and breadcrumb them. These behaviors are abusive and unacceptable, but they are now, unfortunately, the norm.

It takes 45 days to build new connections in our brains, so please do this exercise:

  1. Write in one paper, the old patterns, beliefs, and behaviors from childhood, which you want to change. 
  2. Write the new healthy changes you want to do, step by step, and visualize it every day after wake up. 
  3. Start your day with this statement: I am worthy, I am enough, I deserve a good life and to be loved. 
  4. Use nature to cure your emotional wounds.
  5. Surround yourself with people that lift you up.
  6. Change your job, end your relationship, erase from life people that put you down .
  7. Remind yourself, each day, that you have built effective survival skills, and now you can meet your own needs.
  8. Use sports activities to balance your hormonal production, and enhance your emotions.
© 2020 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved

Never doubt your reality and believe in your gut instincts when you feel something is off. Playing the victim role is an easy task for everyone, but excruciating because you lose your power, and let others take the lead.
We are born not to be the victims. We are here to experience the gift of light and real love.

© 2020 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved

Have fun and a lovely weekend! I am doing that for myself 😉

Alexandra

Em destaque

Quitting Social Media

Am I a millennial? Well, at the beginning of this year, I decided to call it quits to social media usage, and I will stick to that plan. I can recognize the positive aspects of it, but as a woman, and now studying neuroeducation made me realize the amount of unnecessary time we spent on it.

It is an addiction that all of us should avoid, and we shouldn’t allow children to be part of it either.

The power to walk away not only gives you the sovereignty
of your life, but also the ability to seek and spend time with the ones that matter to you.

The ones who love you will always find one way to reach out to you, and you are a real human being who deserves and need real connections in real-time.

I am who I am, and you are who you are for the stories you lived, for the scars (visible and invisible) that you carry in your body and heart. So what is Social Media, then? A place to make new friends? One place to date new partners or enhance your business?

What is the psychological effect behind it? Don’t you think we are not only destroying our attachments styles but also creating a new reality full of avoidance?

My name is Alexandra, and I quit social media because I am too good to be true, but you know what? I’m not a millennial, I am real, and so you are!

Alexandra

Em destaque

Real Love is Action: Let’s Think and Integrate This!

Between the articles I write on here, personal experience, and conversations with friends, my position about this topic remains the same. Love is equivalent or a synonym of action.

Remember this, use educational videos or articles to empower and improve your choices and life. Use these instruments to sift the chaff wheat, and be happy in one romantic partnership or alone.

Don’t blame, don’t antagonize and chose healthily because real love, is also the power to say goodbye or walk away when there is no space to grow.

Don’t paint your future with gray colors because of what it might have been, but with cheerful colors because you are sure and alive in the present moment.

Wonderful week!

Alexandra

Em destaque

Dating and Fertility Challenges

All of us, without exception, are tired of hearing that starting a relationship nowadays is a difficult task that requires judgment and patience on our part. Every day new terminologies emerge to define unacceptable behaviors in the romantic dating scene.

But what about people that want to have a deep and long-lasting relationship, but have to deal with fertility issues?

Where is the support for these individuals?

When is the right timing to talk about fertility to a prospective partner?

Most of us are not aware that we have fertility issues until the moment we have sex without protection with our partner for more than one year, and pregnancy doesn’t occur.
If you know you have fertility issues and you are navigating the dating scene trying to find a good match for you, what are your options?
There is not much information about this topic, pretending that these people don’t exist, which creates a space with a lack of support and sustainable advice.

Talk about fertility issues is a very private subject, which means you don’t go down your street with a scoreboard in hand saying: “I am infertile!”.

These are my tips for you:

  1. There’s no right time to disclose fertility issues to a potential mate.
  2. Not all your prospective partners need to know about your medical
    condition, and this is the reason why you should be present, aware, and use your judgment capacity.
  3. Use the short sentence “I have fertility issues” and wait for the reaction.
  4. Be ready to answer all the questions, and please do it with and in peace.
  5. Explain the options you have available, but be aware that not everyone is willing to go down the path of adoption, surrogacy, or other medical procedures.
  6. Don’t allow anyone to tells you that you are hiding or lying. You have to feel comfortable and safe to discuss this subject.
  7. Consider parenting on your own (The number of single British women seeking sperm rose by 55 per cent between 2000 and 2012.)
  8. Your fertility issues are no issue for the right person, and he or she will make your journey, their journey.
  9. Have this in mind: “The shrinkage of the dating pool with time and its later domination by less secure types means the older you are, the more cautious you should be, because it is much more likely that those in the dating pool in later years have a problematic attachment type, or even worse problems keeping them from sustaining good relationships.”
  10. Have compassion for who you are and the difficulties you are facing, and at the end of the day, trust your instincts.

Like everything in life, there are some parts of our existence, unless it is for educational proposes, we shouldn’t declare to anyone. Mostly, when we feel in our instincts, there is something wrong about the person we are already dating. Not every person you will date is worthy to access the beauty of your wounds and can understand your pain.

Your fertility issues should be a no issue for you, take it as part of your self, and everything around will change. The less division exists within you, the more attractive for the right person you will be.

With love,

Alexandra

image: Irina Shatilova/iStock

Em destaque

Why Conventional Dating Tips Leads To Disaster?

As all of you must notice, I have a different way to approach relationships because I believe humans are complex creatures that deserve respect and deep understanding. I try to give you as much information as I can because around the internet there are plenty of places and plenty of people that demonize other people.

I’ve seen lots of youtube channels where the topic of the videos is all about narcissists, avoidants, breakups, and whatever you can imagine. But, in some cases, I feel in my body that the content they produce is to instigate drama and blame against people who are, traumatized and scared like hell.

Emotional trauma and fear of intimacy is one good cocktail to sabotage intimate relationships when they become real, because there are unresolved issues. Small behaviors can trigger the old memories you have in your brain and projecting them in the present moment, causing anxiety, and the need to escape.

And at this level, we are talking about avoidant attachment style.

My last relationship was with one man with an avoidant attachment style, but more than blame him, and call him names the questions I made after the breakup were: what did he, and our relationship teach me? The answer was simple! It was time to end my family’s legacy.

I had a family pattern in which one of the members of all generations was avoidant. Also, the most stable/secure person would take over the business, solve problems, assume more responsibilities that he or she should, and be the provider.

My grandmother from my father part, my grandfather from my mother part, and now me. We are visible examples of that reality. Is it healthy? No! Because it erodes our health, our lives, because we are too available, always there to help and to solve.

All this was the legacy of my family, while some people pooped, others would clean up the shit creating a cycle of vicious in which those who ran away, never assumed the responsibility for the shit they did.
People, who are ready to clean the shit, are the ones who are always available, available to fix, available to solve, available to give.

Is this healthy?

BIG NO! You can not give and solve everything without having your needs met. And because I am the most important person in my life, this is the real reason why I left the company of my family and delivered one of the tractors for sale. I’m not going to sacrifice myself anymore.

Now, did I loved my ex-partner? Yes, I loved him with all my heart. I saw the real man he is, the human being, the soul.

But was he in a position to be the right partner for me?

No! He is a man who is still angry with women and ended the relationship not because he didn’t love me, but because being there for him was something that he didn’t have even in his childhood. Unfamiliarity breeds repulsive behaviors, which are unhealthy ways to answer.

This man showed up in my life to heal himself, to hold his hand to mine, and walk side by side till I could. But now, I won’t try to rescue or fix anything or anyone. Now I am the principal character of my movie.

My advice:

More than using your time to look for “the one”, use that time to work on yourself and look inwards. Look at the dynamic of your family, and understand that some people will cross your road. But because they are far behind in their journey, you have to leave them behind with gratitude and compassion.

You can assist the growth of someone you love, but never slow down the pace of your journey to accommodate them!

Mindfulness is the key to success and a better life!

With all my love,

Alexandra

Image: https://www.cartoonsidrew.com/

Em destaque

Use Nature as Fuel!

Sunday, 10 May 2020

Spending daily time outdoors can heal, restore, and connect you with your inner world. The silence of nature has the power to re-centered our nervous system and align our brain’s hormones production.

When you are surrounded by nature, you´re simply in the present. Conscious and awake to the moment, going with the flow and living your life.

For people like me, called empaths, we need to go out to nature to find stability and purge negative emotions or energy from our bodies.

If you are feeling exhausted, emotionally, or physically, nature is a good option to reestablish and fulfill your tank with pure energy.

Chose healthily, be healthy!

Take care of yourself,

Alexandra

Em destaque

Chiquitita: The Resilience Message!

I always had a profound admiration for Cher not because she is one international idol, but because she never hid from her audience the flaws and vulnerable moments. With one career spanning for five decades, she is the living proof that age is just one number and that the no’s you receive from life, and people, are the gas you need to live your life propose.

Chiquitita, the Spanish version, came out today, 8 May, at the exact moment that I am living the biggest life-changing of my entire existence. One funny aspect of this version of the song is it touched my heart more than the English version, for sure because, the Spanish language is so close to Portuguese.

Self-compassion, self-love is the fundamental rule to cross the bridge of life even when people you used to love decided to follow another road. Don’t stick yourself in one spiral of sadness or try to save anyone or anything at your expense, emotional, energetically, or physical expense.

I am one wonderful woman, I am Alexandra, and I love a good challenge. Bring it all life, because I am here for you!
In the school era, my friends used to call me Cher. Even now, the ones I still have after more than two decades call me that, and I am proud, I am a natural warrior.

After the darkness, the universe always brings into your life what you deserve. Be firm, be your best self and please, love who you are.

For you that use to read to my articles, I send my love!

“Chiquitita, sabes muy bien
Que las penas vienen y van y desaparecen
Otra vez vas a bailar
Y serás feliz
Como flores que florecen
Chiquitita, no hay que llorar
Las estrellas brillan por ti allá en lo alto
Quiero verte sonreír
Para compartir
Tu alegría, Chiquitita
Otra vez quiero compartir
Tu alegría, Chiquitita
Otra vez quiero compartir
Tu alegría, Chiquitita”

Alexandra

Em destaque

Ouso Escrever and Alexandra

I would like to thank Anthonia for nominating me for this award. Thank you, Anthonia! For choosing “Ouso Escrever” and my writing to this award. You can follow the Anthonia blog here, where you will find posts about daily life experiences.

1) What’s your blog about and why did you start it?

“Ouso Escrever” is all about intimate relationships and self-improvement. I decided to build this place after start my post-grad in neuroeducation, and also see the complete disaster that is most of the relationships in our days. Men and women have an inherent lack of self-awareness about human psychology and how they self sabotage connections because of fears and old patterns.

2)Who would you wish you could have dinner with and why?

I wish I could have dinner with Cher, and the reason why is because this woman, like me, is completely out of the box and had to face many challenges to achieve the life she has today. Many critics never considered her a good singer, performer, or even actress. But the truth is, after many ups and downs, she still has a career.

3) Where do you live and tell us a little bit about it?

At the present moment, I live in Portugal, my country, and I love this place. Portugal is one of the eldest countries in Europe.
Food, family traditions, history, and landscape are the keys to understanding this country.

4) When was your last holiday and where did you go?

My last holiday was in Australia, and I went to Byron Bay, Tweed Heads and the Gold Coast.

5) Where would be your ultimate destination and why?

My ultimate destination will be Australia because the country itself has a lot of opportunities, and there is something special about nature and wildlife there. Because it is a recent country, I believe it is open to new ideas and people with minds out of the box.

6) What’s your favourite music?

7) Reading or writing?

I love both!

8) What’s the best meal you ever had and why?

Oh I love food!

9) Love or hate your job and why?

I love my job. Even though I am a teacher, my principal job in the last decade was the agricultural entrepreneur.
Although I am naturally a resilient person, farming taught me how to be an even better person than I was before.

It was a true awakening for me as a woman and person because we have to choose carefully our peers. And even in moments of vulnerability, we must be emotionally “horny” to continue to command the boat, or when it is time to stop.

10) What would be your favorite job in the world and why aren’t you doing it?

I want to be I will be a psychologist with a specialization in the human sexuality area. To be a real and good psychologist you have to know yourself and not use the degree to heal who you are. So, for me now, it will be the right moment.

With love

Alexandra

Em destaque

Mentally Strong Women

Sometimes patience isn’t your best friend, neither being a pushover. Life demands from you, attitude, honesty, and congruency.
It is your responsibility to take the reins of your destiny, even when you have to face multiple obstacles.

The image was taken today while I was driving my tractor to his last destiny, it was a moment of farewell with the inner feeling inside my heart that I was doing the right thing for my well being and health.

Being a farmer means you have the huge responsibility to look after your farm, your crops, but the principle, yourself! I ended last year, completely exhausted emotionally, and psychically after so many troubles and pressures from other human beings.

I did my best to save everything from what was made by others, along the way, before I arrived. I had meetings with the Portuguese government and paid so much money for things that I couldn’t believe, till the moment I decided, was over!

At the top of the cake, I had a blindsided romantic breakup, which was the last slap I needed at that moment.

How do I feel today? Devastated, I have inside me a mixture of pain and peace with sadness and joy. I feel when something serious happens in my life, the romantic partners who swore to feel a deep love for me, are always gone! And this leads to the point where all of us should think that love is a choice and one action.

Who chose to leave when you feel completely exhausted and emotionally empty, never loved you, and never saw the real you.

Love is profound, the characteristic that allows you to see and stay with your partner in his or her weak moments.

The moment I live right now, I deserved to have a man by my side to hug me, and say: “Alexandra, everything will be alright!”
Who doesn’t want to be with you when your world is falling apart because the grass is greener, don’t deserve to be with you when you return to the top.

Today I took the responsibilities of the reins of my life again, it doesn’t matter what other people did, said, or even if they left. You know why? Because I am the most important person and self in my life.

Ouso Escrever was made for this, to share with people the real knowledge of real people, with real lives!

With love,

Alexandra

Em destaque

Sexual Health Problems Aren’t a Billboard Game!

While ago I wrote an article in Ouso escrever called the Morality of Transsexuality, because we should understand that Harry Benjamin syndrome, (THIS IS THE CORRECT NAME), is a sexual disease that requires treatment like many other diseases.

The problem started when society made it a taboo and called these people freaks, prostitutes, and women with a penis or men with vaginas. In the last three decades, media has made this topic a complete circus where everybody is confused with all the disinformation, and we can’t forget the complete disrespect for privacy and human rights.

Harry Benjamin syndrome has become the nightmare propaganda where Gouvernements, LGBT forces want only one thing, power.

Gender dysphoria is real and requires hormonal treatments and surgeries for the well being of the carries of this disease. But there is a protocol that should be respected, which means being followed by multiple disciplinary teams that will test the evidence of the illness.

Children can’t have medical procedures until they have eighteen years old. To be even more clear, people who do suffer from this will go through the whole transformation medical and legal process. And it is for this reason that I stand against the fact that gender dysphoria and even intersexuality be part of the LGBT community.

Gender dysphoria or even intersexuality, it is a physical disease explained by one abnormal hormonal function during pregnancy.

In the gender dysphoria, the morphology of the baby brains belongs to one gender but the sexual anatomy to the other.

In intersexuality cases, a girl may be born with a noticeably large clitoris or lacking a vaginal opening, or a boy may be born with a notably small penis. The scrotum can be divide and have a labia form and can be born with mosaic genetics. Some of the cells have XX chromosomes and also XY.

So now I ask you what gender dysphoria and intersexuality has to do with sexual orientation? Nothing! And that’s why it shouldn’t be under the LGBT umbrella or being talked about through media channels like all these humans were freaks.

All these people are the women and men, almost invisible in society because they are living their normal lives, despite the fact they had gone through a huge nightmare of medical procedures.
They have dreams and hopes, and some of them even want to have a family. Which is another problem, because no one tells them that before they start the hormonal treatments, they can save their fertility with cryopreservation, for example.

April Ashley,  is an English Model and restaurant hostess. She was one the first British people to be outed with gender dysphoria, this was done by the Sunday People in 1961



Jacqueline Charlotte Dufresnoy (23 August 1931 – 9 October 2006), better known by her stage name Coccinelle, was a French actress, entertainer and singer. She was the first widely publicized post-war gender reassignment case in Europe, where she was an international celebrity and a renowned club singer.

I think it is time to stop with stupidity and respect people for who they are, giving them the right conditions and human rights, which will allow them to flourish in society.
My dears, health issues are serious matters that should be treated as health issues, not as one madness way to achieve power through the suffering of others.

Thanks to my friend Robert, because our last exchange of commentaries gave me the idea to write this article. I hope it can help to demystify this topic and add respect.

Have a lovely weekend!

With love,

Alexandra

Em destaque

Vulnerability isn’t Weakness

Vulnerability isn’t Weakness, but be aware of whom you chose to share your pearls.

Life taught me in multiples ways that vulnerability should only exist with people that can mirror us with empathy. And real empathy is to be there for you, no matter what, mostly when you are swimming in shit.

Be conscious and take care of yourself!

With love,

Alexandra

Em destaque

Pansexuality: Human Kingdom Diversity

The following article is on the website goodtherapy.org. It is more than time to see the diversity in the human kingdom and accept it naturally as it is.

“The word “pansexual” itself was derived from the Greek prefix pan-, which means all. And of course, “sexual.”

Pansexuality is currently in use as a broad term describing the sexual orientation of individuals who are attracted to people regardless of gender or sex. An individual who is pansexual might potentially be attracted to anyone but is not necessarily attracted to everyone. Assuming a pansexual person is promiscuous can be harmful, as it distorts the definition and understanding of the term and may forestall acceptance of those individuals who identify as pansexual.

Pansexuality refers to one’s sexual orientation, not one’s gender identity: A person who identifies as pansexual may be gender neutral or genderqueer, male, or female and might have a relationship with an individual who identifies as any of the above. Identifying as pansexual does not delineate a person’s gender identity. However, there is some association between pansexuality and non-binary identities, as the term came into wide use as a result of increased awareness of identities outside the male-female binary.

The term pansexual was originally used by Sigmund Freud to define sexuality as the basic drive for all human interaction. The current usage of the term began to gain popularity in the late 1990s in an effort to be more inclusive of individuals who did not align with a gender binary, as a misconception that the term bisexual solely indicates an attraction to only two genders did (and still does) exist.”

With love,

Alexandra

Em destaque

Toxic Family or Awaken for Real Life?

Toxic or not, our families define the way we will project ourselves in adulthood and how we will relate intimately or socially with other people.

Returning to the summer of 1995, when I was ten years old, my father had a huge car accident that almost killed him, and at some point, the father I had until then died on that day.
My father was emotionally abused and neglected by his father all his life. Many were the times he had to sleep outside the house because he tried to defend his mother from being violently assaulted by his father. Unfortunately, domestic violence still exists and kills many women every day.

After the accident, with all the surgeries, recovery processes, and even aging. With all the knowledge I have now, I am sure my father has his prefrontal cortex damage. Unfortunately, he never wanted to have exams or even saw a psychologist.

What are the consequences of this? He became the person that he taught us not to be. Before the accident, he was a hard-working man, loyal, reliable, and responsible. After the accident, he became capricious, emotionally unavailable, trouble-maker, and even cheater.

The question now is, how it did affect me, and who I am today?

  • I lost my father forever in that accident, even if he was alive. And I had that conscience when I received the Rokistansky diagnosis with sixteen years old, and he said no man would ever want me. 
  • My teenagerhood was the stage of a huge amount of emotional distress where the peak was when I caught him having sex with another woman. 
  • The family gained a new reconfiguration and a long process of grieving to achieve.
  • I didn’t date my entire teenagerhood and beginning of my adulthood because being intimate with one man requires us to be whole. And this is self-respect or self-awareness.

Who Am I Today?

It has been a long journey of self-acknowledge, self-love, and self-respect. I could understand why I was attracting unavailable emotional men to my life and ended that cycle with my last relationship. Unavailable emotional men are attracted to independent women because they can’t provide the requirements that a loving relationship requires.

Despite all emotional turmoil, I became one adult woman who knows how to stand for her core values and stay when everyone runs away from their responsibilities. For some reason, I was the head of one farm company that was on the verge of bankruptcy, and even alone, I managed to give new vitality to this company.

I am who I am today, and I am proud of who I am. I have to thank my Father and my Mother for all the knowledge, and the best way to honor them is to be my best self out there. The more we accept life isn’t perfect, but that we can be perfect with our imperfections, the more in peace we will live.

More than talk about toxicity, we should replace the word toxicity for wound, and reflect on how much we can learn from it and use it to build our singular identity.

The right person will be proud to walk beside you because the real you seduce them every day, and inspire them to be their best versions. Remember that people who don’t know what they want, or aren’t sure about themselves, will never be able to understand you, or see you. Their fears and lack of awareness are real obstacles to touch you, and you that had experienced so much in life will never settle down for less.

This is my message for you today.

The following video is explained how toxicity will affect you and how you will see the world. Please, seek professional help because you deserve so much more from life.

With love,

Alexandra

Em destaque

Rewire and Work Your Best Friend: Your Brain!

Your brain is the most important organ that resides within your body and your best friend to achieve the reality that you would like to manifest in your life.
We have the power to educate ourselves to expect good and to see good things happen in our lives. I would say it is a vital discipline that can promote the construction of the right fertile environment where you can expand, not only who you are, but attract the right people to assist you in that growth.

Yes, I know, and I understand, the last decade was a brutal monster for most of us in all areas of life. But I want you to think, believe, and educate yourself to create new possibilities to achieve the happiness you deserve.

With love,

Alexandra

Em destaque

Do You Date Emotionally Unavailable men? Here’s The Best Lesson You Can Take From This Dynamic.

You met this guy. He is charming, attentive, mysterious, and there is something irresistible about him that you can’t ignore. He loves bomb you with affection, gifts, all the right words, and the right moves, talks about one future together, but for some reason, there is a shift in his behavior, and you wonder why.

The adorable man he used to be is now vague, cold, and is pulling away from you because everything is too much and isn’t working for him. He left. And here you are leaving this immense heartbreak asking what went wrong.

Let me ask you this: Do you ever stopped for a while to think that he is emotionally unavailable, and he just left the relationship exactly at the moment where the honeymoon phase is gone? He left the relationship because he wasn’t able to receive the love you had to give and work together as a team to make the relationship works.

Emotional Unavailability in men has a common root in a damaged childhood and bad experiences with intimate relationships in adulthood. They want you. They want to experience intimacy, but when the relationship needs more depth and interdependence, there is an urge to run away. And they run, they run faster as they can, telling themselves the old story that it was your fault, and you are not “the one” for them.

To understand the psychological explanation or the causes that origin an emotionally unavailable man, I will leave here some articles that I would like you to read:

  1. Son’s of Narcissistic Mothers: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/202003/sons-narcissistic-mothers
  2. Reasons Why Intimacy Might Feel Too Dangerous For You:
    https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/evolution-the-self/201804/3-reasons-intimacy-might-feel-too-dangerous-you
  3. Fear of Intimacy and Closeness in Relationships
    https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/the-freedom-change/201504/fear-intimacy-and-closeness-in-relationships

Now, what is the best lesson you can take from this dynamic? You are one human being with the ability to give love and not run away from intimacy. But I want you to look at this dynamic and ask yourself, do I love myself completely? Is there something about me or my life that I don’t accept? THEIR BEHAVIOR DON’T REFLECT WHO YOU ARE! YOU ARE WORTHY TO EXPERIENCE LOVE!

But if there is something that you would like to work on, I would like you to follow this:

1. Stop dating others and date yourself for a while
2. Journal about everything you want and then read it out loud, it will help you to identify limitations in your thinking or behaving. 
3. Seek professional help that will guide and amplify your vision. 
4. Understand that you can love and assist your partner in their growth, but it isn’t your responsibility to rescue them or be their therapist.
5. Don’t allow their fears, their lack of self-awareness, or incapacity to receive your love as guides to define your value. 
6. Be proud of who you are and what you just achieved from this relationship. You can give and experience love, don’t give up!
7. YOU ARE REAL! AND REAL PEOPLE AREN’T SCARED OF BROKEN THEIR FACES IN THE NAME OF LOVE.

Unfortunately, the reality I explain in this article can be applied to women also. I wish people could be more aware of their fears and the reasons why intimacy can be so frightening for them. I wish we could stop blame people for who they are and understand, those who run away, they run not because they don’t love us, but because the love we have to offer goes beyond the familiarity they used to experience.

In love, you don’t need to be mysterious, play games to attract the person you want. In love, you need to be real and consistent. Be sure you know your control panel well and explain it to your partner, because that new person in your life needs to see the real you and not one imaginary image. Knowing your control panel means you will select the ideal partner and not waste time with people who can’t give you the love you desire.

Next time a man says to you – you are one independent woman! – more than see it as a compliment, because it can be just that. Think also, maybe they are telling you that because they can’t be fully intimate with you and build with the relationship you deserve. Relationship means interdependence, not independence.

Honor the amazing woman you are and remember, emotionally unavailable partners are here to remind that you don’t need broken love. They teach to deserve better than them and also to polish the unseen parts of yourself that you used to reject. They leave because you are so decent that you will never be able to make them suffer.

Now they are looking for someone hard to get, with whom they will create all those intense feelings they experienced with you. But you, you will tank them because you will never fall into that trap again.

With love,

Alexandra

Image credits: School of life

Em destaque

The Shack – The Power of Real Love.

My dear readers, and “ouso escrever” community, today I would love to suggest one movie from 2017, that has one deep message for all us. The Shack makes us think about how to endure a loss and heal it with the power of love. It is one intense journey full of metaphors that allow us to comprehend that we are victims of others that were themselves, victims, of somebody else. And life is a cycle, a wheel that always brings justice where our role is not to blame who we are, but acknowledge everything to make us stronger and move on in peace.

IIt did make me cry and also realize there is nothing more honored for us and our loved ones than move on in peace.

Allow yourself to see and be seen!

With love,

Alexandra

Em destaque

Women and Dating: The Best Advice!

Many were the times I wrote on my website that we are living in a period where people more than paralyzed. Are terrified when it comes to dating and relationships. I’ve seen, especially women, still have the problem of not saying what they want from the very beginning, which would save them from a lot of heartbreak and allow the selection process to work in their benefit. The problem of many relationships begins with the selection process, not with the relationship development.

Another aspect of all this dating modernity is the avalanche of articles, videos, and other stuff that “help” women to capture the men’s attention. Things like, play hard to get, the right text message to make him fall in love with you, don’t text him or call him after a first date. Don’t say what you want because you will scare him away, or only show the best version of who you are. The independent and brilliant woman that seems who is invincible and doesn’t need support from anyone.

Do you know who you will attract? Energy vampires, avoidant and emotionally unavailable men who will extract the best of you, and when you need them the most, they will leave. Why? Because they never saw the real you. I’m not demonizing men because women can be like this too, I am talking about a reality that remains hidden in favor of one outdated romanticism that hurts emotionally healthy people. I am talking about psychological elementary school games that will only attract the wrong partner for you.

I know this reality very well not because I don’t say what I want, but because genuinely independent women tend to attract these kinds of men who need light in their lives. Be aware of it. Three months ago, I received the most amazing emotional blown up when my ex-partner said our relationship was over.
I didn’t hear thank you, Alexandra, for everything.
I heard it was over because he felt something was off in his gut, and I was too intense, but in the middle of all this mess and all his words, I heard the self I possess inside. The voice that always said to me was time to leave because it wasn’t the right relationship to stay.

You can not be with someone who isn’t sure about his feelings for you. You can’t have a relationship with a man when he knows you are dealing with serious problems, instead of giving support to you. He wastes his time feeding superficial conversations with other women and sends part of it, to you, because it is funny.

Or even funnier, he sends pictures of the holiday you both are having in your country to one woman he never saw in his life but has a virtual friendship of three years. She even asks him if the sex was great or if he was in love.

The last cookie of the package, I wanted to have a relationship with him to use him to get one Visa and then leave.

And this was the beginning of the end, you know why? Because to maintain one intimate relationship we need to have self-awareness and realize that we might need professional help to rebuild our self-esteem and deeply understand the toxic behaviors that sooner or later, will sabotage the bonds we create.

YOU CAN’T BE OR LOVE SOMEONE SCARED!

Do these men and even women realize what they are doing? Not right away. Because of their deactivating strategies, they will never access their feelings or behaviors blaming you for the reasons why the relationship failed. Till one day, the loneliness hits them, and the crisis begins leading them to seek professional help or living poor and superficial relationships.

Real people will always be there for you. They are consistent, and their actions match their words. These are the people who will teach HOW TO LIKE and LOVE FOR REAL.

The same happens when your ex-partners want to remain friends with you. If you truly loved them, you will never give them friendship because that’s the ultimate betrayal for the intimacy you shared in your intimate relationships.

For you women:

  • Be Present.
  • Don’t play games like kids.
  • Know what You want.
  • Say right away what you want, from one relationship, and if they walk away, just let them go.
  • Don’t let anyone or their fears edit your life.
  • Don’t limit yourself and always listen to your higher self.

I walked away not only from this relationship but also from my job, and all the people that was toxic for me. It will be strange in the beginning, but after a while, you will feel the differences within yourself and your soul.

Who loves and see us will be available and will be consistent in their actions. They will listen to you, cook the special dish to remind you of the first date. They will give you gifts not just because they are generous, but because they love you. Most important they will choose you every day, and if they don’t that should be the biggest turn off ever.

Life even short will oblige you to rebirth as many times as possible to make you achieve your highest propose in this human condition, real happiness.

With love,

Alexandra

Em destaque

Make it Happen, Make Real Love happen!

It takes two people to start one relationship and two people to make it last, but ironically, it only takes one person to change the entire dynamic for better or for worst.

Romance is good with the right doses, but when it crosses the line, what happens with love, real love?

With love,

Alexandra

Em destaque

Easter and The Power of “I LOVE YOU”

It is Easter. More than think about religion, social and cultural differences I would like to share this podcast new episode with you and also a John Lennon quote: “When you do something beautiful, and nobody noticed, do not be sad. For the sun, every morning is a beautiful spectacle, and yet most of the audience still sleeps.”

Life is becoming too short for not saying how much we care about the ones we love.

For all of you, who are going to listen this podcast, I wish you well and all the happiness in this world because life is too short to waste time with bullshit.

Bibiography used for this podcast:

“Attached” – Amir Levine. M.D; Rachel S.F. Heller. M.A.
“Invisible Loyalties” – Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy

With love,

Alexandra

Em destaque

People Who Like Us!

“When we feel loved, there is no space for confusion because words are perfectly in tune with behavior. Words and gestures seem to spin and dance with no clouds full of doubts over your head.” – By Margarida Vieitez Ph.D

Allow yourself to be whole and experience life with a new refresh perspective. Why? Because life is too short, and in this short life we should reunite all the tools and skills to succeed. There is no such thing as being the right or wrong person, what we got through our lives is people who like us, and show us that affection, and admiration in many different ways.

It is your power, and your choice to discover these people.

I can give, and other professional people can give you all the knowledge and tools to get your dream, to have success, but must be one internal commitment on your part to choose well in life and love.

I wish you well,

Alexandra

Em destaque

Do You Respect Your Animal Nature in Intimate Relationships?

Today, I want to leave a question that can guide you through this new dating world. Do you respect your animal nature in intimate relationships?
Not talking about violence or another kind of disrespectful behavior, I am talking about the respect we all should have for our inner nature.

Dating is a terrifying task for many men and women because there is an inherent lack of awareness of self inner nature and feelings. Love is a self-possession gem that you offer to other people without expecting if they will mirror your desires.

In life and love, you are a natural animal who wants to belong and attach to other people. But in the middle of all this freedom around sex, bad behavior, and detachment. We lost rules and the protocol and ability to speak up our truth and needs. Everyone is scared of being hurt, but let me clarify here one thing: love has no guarantees, and love only grow and flourish when you have no armor or guarded up.

So the question is: Do you respect your animal nature in intimate relationships? Or in other words, do you respect your self-possessed love?

I wish you one wonderful week.

Alexandra

Em destaque

Breakups and Love in Mayonnaise

When we talk about intimate relationships, more than approach love and romance, we are accessing one complex reality where the final formula might not be the expected.
Many of us, men and women, human beings, we desperately need to connect with others because it is our nature. But something quite odd happens when love comes to the equation, FEAR!

We want to be seen we want to love, but it has to be with all the guarantees that hurt wouldn’t come to our lives. How disrespectful and childish is this entire concept for love, whereas we live inside our selfishness bubble?

Breakups happen every day without warning leaving you feeling like a clown, and here the show begins. The show where you lose hope in others, but most importantly in yourself because your mind keeps playing the same old movie making you believe it was your fault.
But was it your fault? Or the end of the relationship occurs during the fact your partner wasn’t able to receive your love?

Fear plays a big role in dating and relationships. Never, in history, have been there so many articles and videos about human relations but still so little understanding of behavioral psychology.

Although some relationships will fail naturally, others fail because people have this idea that good partners are pushovers or too good to be true. This fallacy leads many men and women to have mayonnaise relationships or love in mayonnaise because of fear of being hurt, and someone will take advantage of them.

Now, because I don’t want the article to be too long, talking about breakups if, after a good amount of time you want to reconcile with your ex-lover, these are the questions to ask:

  • Did I had the time and psychological space to heal myself and retract my vital energy?
  • Am I different and better? Are they different and better?
  • Can I trust him or her again and understand that I won’t be able to love them like the child with no boundaries as I did in the first round?
  • Is this the person I truly want in my life? 

Love is a self-possession where you have the power to say I love you and the freedom to walk away if they don’t mirror your feelings. Love somebody is also a responsibility that for many individuals is too heavy to correspond, but at least never edit your emotions or your truth. Let them know how you feel because life is too short.

Take a look at the following videos:


Wishing you love,

Alexandra

p.s: Thank you, Robert, for this topic.

Em destaque

Dating: Try This To Dissipate Your Doubts

Honesty is the best policy when it comes to building a relationship. Despite the fact, that we are living a time period where it is so easy to discard someone like it was a piece of cloth, where the “let’s see where it goes” is the rule, where everybody (especially women) is so afraid to speak their truth. The moment is here, the moment to change and give a new direction to teach our future generations how to love and what means romance.

In the dating pool, everyone is confused and terrified. Everyone thinks because you are real, you are too good to be true. I have heard this so many times. The truth is, the more clear you are, the more you know what you want, the faster you will achieve your goal.

Don’t be afraid to say what are your real intentions and that you love someone. There is nothing much more powerful than sharing your feelings and honor your love. Life is too short to think afterward what if I…

I hope you enjoy this video. Susan is one wonderful woman, and very positive. With her, there are no tricks, no games, just the truth of being real.

With love,

Alexandra