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Breakups and Love in Mayonnaise

When we talk about intimate relationships, more than approach love and romance, we are accessing one complex reality where the final formula might not be the expected.
Many of us, men and women, human beings, we desperately need to connect with others because it is our nature. But something quite odd happens when love comes to the equation, FEAR!

We want to be seen we want to love, but it has to be with all the guarantees that hurt wouldn’t come to our lives. How disrespectful and childish is this entire concept for love, whereas we live inside our selfishness bubble?

Breakups happen every day without warning leaving you feeling like a clown, and here the show begins. The show where you lose hope in others, but most importantly in yourself because your mind keeps playing the same old movie making you believe it was your fault.
But was it your fault? Or the end of the relationship occurs during the fact your partner wasn’t able to receive your love?

Fear plays a big role in dating and relationships. Never, in history, have been there so many articles and videos about human relations but still so little understanding of behavioral psychology.

Although some relationships will fail naturally, others fail because people have this idea that good partners are pushovers or too good to be true. This fallacy leads many men and women to have mayonnaise relationships or love in mayonnaise because of fear of being hurt, and someone will take advantage of them.

Now, because I don’t want the article to be too long, talking about breakups if, after a good amount of time you want to reconcile with your ex-lover, these are the questions to ask:

  • Did I had the time and psychological space to heal myself and retract my vital energy?
  • Am I different and better? Are they different and better?
  • Can I trust him or her again and understand that I won’t be able to love them like the child with no boundaries as I did in the first round?
  • Is this the person I truly want in my life? 

Love is a self-possession where you have the power to say I love you and the freedom to walk away if they don’t mirror your feelings. Love somebody is also a responsibility that for many individuals is too heavy to correspond, but at least never edit your emotions or your truth. Let them know how you feel because life is too short.

Take a look at the following videos:


Wishing you love,

Alexandra

p.s: Thank you, Robert, for this topic.

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Dating: Try This To Dissipate Your Doubts

Honesty is the best policy when it comes to building a relationship. Despite the fact, that we are living a time period where it is so easy to discard someone like it was a piece of cloth, where the “let’s see where it goes” is the rule, where everybody (especially women) is so afraid to speak their truth. The moment is here, the moment to change and give a new direction to teach our future generations how to love and what means romance.

In the dating pool, everyone is confused and terrified. Everyone thinks because you are real, you are too good to be true. I have heard this so many times. The truth is, the more clear you are, the more you know what you want, the faster you will achieve your goal.

Don’t be afraid to say what are your real intentions and that you love someone. There is nothing much more powerful than sharing your feelings and honor your love. Life is too short to think afterward what if I…

I hope you enjoy this video. Susan is one wonderful woman, and very positive. With her, there are no tricks, no games, just the truth of being real.

With love,

Alexandra

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The Power of Not Belonging

I believe that many of you have heard this expression before: birds of a feather flock together. So today, I bring to “ouso escrever” one of the ideas that I have defended my entire life, the benefits of not belonging, or the pleasure of being the black sheep.

Although I know, we all have this inner call, to belong somewhere. Being the black sheep isn’t necessarily a bad thing, being the black sheep means, you keep your voice and individuality.

Being the “black sheep” means you don’t sell yourself away based on what you hear and what people try to sell you into it. You keep your voice, your standards, and your individuality.

Don’t be ashamed of who you are, instead teach folks around you how to be themselves.

With Love,

Alexandra

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When Bae Asks, “Why Aren’t We Engaged?!

I love you, my dear readers, so because the weekend is already here, let me share a funny video that reflects our actual reality. Even though “Ouso Escrever” is a professional place, I can add some funny ways to teach things and show the limbo of relationships.

Oh Barbie, Barbie…

Wishing you love,

Alexandra

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The Secrets of Resiliency

© 2020 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved
© 2020 actionforhappiness.org.  All rights reserved

I want to share with you something quite simple, and one exercise that resilient people practice every day in their lives.

If you have experienced loss, betrayal, infertility, abortion, heartbroken, divorce, natural disaster, or other forms of life-changing experiences, let me congratulate you are resilient.

In a period where easiness is preferred, great are the people who among difficulties reinvent themselves and never stop trying. The perfect life only can exist when you experience real pain and real joy.

Here are the secrets beneath resilient people:

  • The deep understanding that shit happens, because suffering is part of life
  • They know the difference between what can help or harm their well being. 
  • Pragmatic at choosing where they should focus their attention, vital skill for resilience
  • Benefit finding, the capacity to be grateful for even in the most awful moments in life.

Resilient people don’t spoil their lives in social media. Instead, they use their vulnerabilities to teach others not to be pitty about themselves.

Resilient’s are real, full of scars, full of shit to deal with, but they will always look at life and say, thank you!

With love,

Alexandra

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Girl, In Love, Play Real!

© 2020 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved

Today we celebrate women’s day, but my message is for women and men who are out there trying to date and trying to establish a healthy relationship.

We all know dating in our days is confusing, or at least that’s the idea that somebody else tries to sell us, but if we look with attention around us, what we truly see is people terrified of falling in love and then being dumped/hurt. So most of the men and women play games with you because they like you and they want you to chase them because in this way they sense they have the control.

A large percentage of the population has this unconscious behavior, not because they are narcissists, players, or mean people. But because of their internal conflict, it doesn’t allow them to do the right thing.

So please, don’t react to their reactivity.

We, human beings, we all have this technology that helps us to discern what are the real facts and access reality. We call it intution because our body always knows what’s going on. When your gut tells you someone likes you, you are most of the time correct. But how long should you wait?

  • Set a time frame where you will help them to calm down, and where you remove romance from the equation.
  • Ask him or her what’s going on.
  • Be a source of reliability. 
  • Never forget what you want and what your needs are. 

Go with the flow goes nowhere!

Men and women don’t want to seem desperate or needy it is like a protocol they should follow because their peers said, their family said, their society said, and in the end, they lose their identity, voice, and people who truly love them.

Yes, some people will hurt you, use you, and disappear after sucked the life out of you. But is this the norm? No!

FEAR!

Fear is the common dominator of why most relationships end before they even began.

For you, woman:

  • Don’t have afraid to speak your truth
  • You want to get married and have kids, say it!
  • Know your mindset and your disposition
  • Know why you want a man and what qualities you look for
  • Why do you want a relationship?

For you, man:

  • Do you like her? Give her the green light
  • Do you want to hear her voice or send a message? Just do it!
  • Look after your reactivity and try to access why it happen.
  • You are a man, human being, you have real feelings, communicate those feelings without leaving assumptions in the air.

A final note, I would like to say that we all awake for love in different phases of our lives. Men, in general, have a different process to awake to love than women have because of all the imposed social restrictions to express it.

At the end of the day, as human beings, we need love and healthy attachment, so give it a fighting chance.

Wishing you love,

Alexandra

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You Are More Than a Womb!

Evolve so much that others will have to get to know you again.

The sentence above can be for sure a motivational statement, but for me, it is a crude and lasting reflection of one journey with more than twenty years. Twenty years that changed me forever as a woman, twenty years of adjustment, and knowledge that what our mind creates the body achieves.

With 15 years old, I was told I wouldn’t be able to carry a baby because I had a rare disease called Mayer-Rokitansky-Kuster-Hauser. For many women, it is a pain in the ass, but for me was a gift.

note: I wrote about Rokitansky in here.

You might be surprised when I say the diagnosis was a gift, but the truth is I learned how to be completely intuned with my body and emotions.

Firstly, I had to rediscover my identity as a woman, and cope with the fact that I wouldn’t be able to carry a baby because of womb’s absentee. It was necessary to collect all my lost pieces and rebuilt my identity, relearn how to live, and live in the moment. For this reason, for almost ten years, I never dated.
Secondly, it helped to look at people, men, and life with attention and see beyond the surface.

I am a survivor not because I accepted to wear the victim’s skin, but because I died and reborn to tell all of you how I did it.

These last two decades have brought into my life so many good things and that certainty that I will be a mother in the future because now, the medically assisted procreation offers us so many options.
I had to deal with two early menopause threats, that I overcame, changing my lifestyle, and being a team with my doctor.

My message for you is simple, just because you don’t have a uterus or other condiction inherent to Rokitansky syndrome don’t feel less, less woman, less human being. One in 4 thousand women are born with Rokitansky we are special, remember this, we are special.

Enjoy your life, yourself, and your relationships. Don’t be afraid that you will never ever find love because the right partner for you will be your rock, and at the end of the day, he will embark on this journey by your side.
Dating can be daunting in our days, and it requires emotional maturity to sustain one intimate bond, but you are there, and with your life experience, you can teach others how they can be with you, and be like you.

Don’t let fear or others stop you!!

I will close this article with the lyrics of one Duran Duran’s song called Ordinary World:

And I don’t cry for yesterday
There’s an ordinary world Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way

To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Every world is my world (I will learn to survive)
Any world is my world (I will learn to survive)
Any world is my world”

I hope this simple article can help how much women as possible.

With love,

Alexandra

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You can!

I want to let you know that you can reinvent yourself and change who you perceive yourself to be.
Look into your eyes in the mirror and ask yourself, “Who Am I?”

Feel free to allow your true emotions to surface, and believe that you are the owner of your destiny.

Have a wonderful week,

Alexandra

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Instructions Manual for Better love

© 2020 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved

To truly love our partners, we cannot see them as adults but as children. As ironic as this idea may be, when we see the ones we love like children, we will be more generous and compassionate in the interpretation of their behavior.

To fully increment the growth in love, we have to give our partners the instructions manual that will help them to love us and give them the acknowledgment that our weakest moments are the greatest opportunity to learn and envolve.

With love,

Alexandra

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Valentine’s Day on In Love With Her Show

My dear readers, today is one special day for everyone, so why not bring here the first episode of my podcast show? Please, don’t fall in love with my voice.

I wish you happiness. I wish you, real love!

Alexandra

© 2020 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved

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Endless Love

Endless love could be a literary novel. But in reality, it’s the story of one Portuguese couple, where husband’s premature death leads his wife to want to fulfill his/their last wish. Have a child.

Before Hugo dies, he left one official document where he recognizes his wife, Angela, with all the powers to use his cryopreserved sperm to have their child.

Hugo died with cancer last year one day after his marriage with Angela. Right now, she is fighting against the Portuguese law and medical ethics to realize their dream, and as usual in Portugal, many are the voices against this situation. She may need to go to Spain. The hospital may destroy Hugo’s sperm, and everything is uncertain at the moment.

My question is: Who are we to judge or to decide what is wrong or correct in people’s lives?

Angela’s case isn’t unusual at all. There are situations where men or women can’t have babies naturally (illness, loss of uterus), and they have to go to other countries to have babies through surrogacy.
In Angela’s case, she had lost the love of her life, but she can still have the baby, their baby.

It’s ethical to deny to this woman the right of maternity when her husband stated it was his will?

This story leads us to identify three things:

  1. Love exists within us, and our partners are just the catalyst to express it from inside us to outside.
  2. No one has the right to blame or judge one woman who has free will to decide her life and be a mother, even if her husband is dead.
  3. Love is real. Love is action. Love moves mountains.  

We should look at our lives with more attention, and feel deep inside if what we feel is real love or just fantasy.

Alexandra

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Choose love, but choose wisely!

Today, I want to share this video which represents, the total nightmare that many of us experience when trying to find a good partner. More than often, we reject good people, because they seem “too good” for us and the explanation for that is quite simple. We are not looking for romantic love, we are looking, somehow, for familiar love.

Next time you find someone good, think twice before you kick them out from your life.

Enjoy,

Alexandra

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Chose Love not Fear

© 2020 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved

Before giving up one relationship, reflect on the defenses that limit your capacity to love. What makes you hold back affection and avoid intimacy? Before thinking about you’ve fallen out of love, check your actions and loving feelings.

Be smart and part of men and women population who do what few can do, love each other, and are resilient even when “death” is just around the corner.

Have a wonderful week,

Alexandra

“Amanhã será bem melhor
pulsa o peito num só tremor
Uso e cruzo algum desnorte
Provo a sorte, tento, invento
O amor…”

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The 7 keys to Have a Happy Relationship

In our current days, everyone wants to have a healthy and happy relationship but, the truth, we are living confusing days where there are no rules for dating, and relationships are low maintenance.

Fall in love is easy. Stay in love through good and bad moments requires your resilience and the ability to be perseverant.

Even though some relationships will naturally fail, many ends because people are too lazy to accept and work on differences, and want an easy life even in love.

Here I give you the seven keys to have one more fulfilling relationship:

  1. The Courage to be vulnerable
  2. Perseverance
  3. Candor
  4. Disposition
  5. Ability to grow
  6. Acceptance
  7. Sense of Humor

What means candor for real, you may ask:

Candor, in simple words, is your ability to tell the hard truths to your partner. There are moments in the relationship where you must hear painful things, and grab the bull by the horns.

Candor is the bridge you edifice between perseverance and the courage to be vulnerable. How can you have one intimate relationship with your partner if he or she holds back the fundamental bases of intimacy?

To conclude my article and invite you to think about this topic, I will share what Dr. Lisa Firestone discovered in her studies and her book “Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships”:

“Almost every one of us struggles, to some degree, to stay connected to our loving feelings. Early experiences of feeling hurt or rejected can injure our ability to connect with and sustain our loving feelings. Giving and receiving love actually challenges our core defenses, early adaptations we formed to protect ourselves against the ways we were hurt.” 

While none of us choose to fall out of love, many of us are unaware of the defenses we’ve formed and adaptations we’ve made that may now limit us in our ability to stay close and connected to our partner. For example, it may be hard to stay connected and trust someone completely when we grew up feeling insecure and neglected. It can be difficult to be vulnerable and consistently kind when we grew up with people who were cold, punishing, or had their own difficulty giving and receiving love.” 

Wishing you love,

Alexandra

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The Beauty of Intensity

In today’s article, I will talk about my nationality, my personality, and most importantly, why it’s so important to honor our roots. Our protocol while relating to others.

Being Portuguese, means you carry behind you more than 900 years of history and a great mixture of genes. Being Portuguese means you love food, but more than that, you love to cook for people you love. Your heart is full when your dinner table has a full decoration of food, laughs, and conversations between your loved ones. The family assumes one important role in your life since the early days, where grandparents are the ones who will tell you all the stories about your family, the ones that were born before you.

About me? What means for me being a Portuguese woman? Better than that, who is Alexandra?

For me being one Portuguese woman is equal to be a legend. I carry inside me all the battles for independence and all the sense of justice to be free and express who I am as an individual.

Alexandra is a very tall woman, huge brown eyes and fleshy lips with a rich inner world where sensuality, imaginary, and intellectual excitability plays a big role.

Alexandra has emotional depth, complexity, and velocity. She loves and she needs soulful and meaningful connections. I love to love the pleasures of art, music, and language because all this provides me intense reactions.

Touch, taste, and smell…

She is highly acute and perceptive, with the ability to read several layers of reality, assessing people and situations rapidly. She senses incongruency and hypocrisies like no one, and when something is about to happen, she knows.

Alexandra is the wonder woman with the touch of one diva from Hollywood classic movies. Unattainable? No, but over the years she was perceived and called “too much”, “too intense”, and “too emotional”. That was and still be a compliment to her.

Did you ever hear about Overexcitability and the gifted? It isn’t a label, but it does help you to understand your inner abilities and even help your loved ones to understand who you are. We heard this for the first time when I was in first grade, and my teacher had a long conversation with my parents explaining that it was almost one impossible mission to keep my attention to the class. The solution found was to give me time to draw or write whatever I wanted or needed, and in this way, I would find school interesting.

I will write about the overexcitability in another article.

I always felt older than others around me.

I am a book in writing, a beautiful story that someday somebody will read and love like a treasure, the character who loves the old rules of dating.

People fear what is unfamiliar, and for many, I was the unfamiliar soul that was able to change their lives for good.

Why it’s so important to honor your roots and know your protocol when relating to others? Your roots, your cultural background is part of who you are as an individual. It’s the map that guides you in social interactions. Then what is your protocol? Your protocol is your ability to understand what you want and need to be happy. The protocol is the base that sustains the longevity of your relationship, where clarity and communication is the key to solve misunderstandings and mismatch information.

For example, in our days, everybody is hurting or being hurt.
Some are suspicious of your intentions they even over-analyze every detail of your actions and see you as a real threat.
A clear example of this situation is when you give one gift, and the receiver looks at it and thinks about how much you spent not the real intention behind, which is you love them.

Your protocol is I’m giving this to you because I love you, but their protocol communicates that they have to reciprocate at the same level. This handle without clarity and the right communication can lead to resentment and blow up one relationship where people love each other. They can interpret your gesture and define you as someone who wants to please, buy their affection, and obtain something in return.

Please, don’t beat yourself up. Refocus and reframe always communicating what you want and how you feel. The biggest rule of being in one relationship is allowing yourself to receive. So please, don’t diminish the qualities of your gestures just because someone wasn’t ready or able to receive.

To close this personal article,

“When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

With love,

Alexandra

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Don’t be less for someone who can’t be More!

© 2020 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved

They dump you because you were too good to be true?

His/her mindset is not positive. Something inside (wounds) is stoping and making them think they don’t deserve you.

There are some individuals when they found what they always wanted (mentally). They think there is one agenda behind the good, or you try to use them. But you know what? Never, ever be less! Never be the less of what you are to accept less of what you deserve/want.

To be in love requires work. Being in a relationship requires discipline. However, you will only be able to accept the goods when you did the inner grow to over challenges your fears.

They dumped you because you were too good? They were terrified! And there is nothing you can do to change them. Don’t try to fix or convince that you were the right fit for them.

You both were a good match, at least on the paper, but your partner without his inner work done can’t accept, cherish and honor you. His/her mind and heart weren’t in the right place.

My life motto is we have to be who we are and never fall into the trap of editing our emotions and personality to fit in somebody’s else life. That will only lead you to resentment and unhappiness. Along the way, the right partner will come into your life and make you feel you are the most precious pearl he/she has, as he/she is for you.

I love to hear from you and write to you, my readers.

Wishing you a wonderful week!

Alexandra

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Are you Confuse?

© 2020 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved

The more clear you are about what you want, the more confused you will be because the dating pool is so confusing.

Acknowledge one thing for your entire life: You aren’t too much or too intense for someone who wants the same as you. You will be that for men and women who don’t know who they are or what they want in life.

If someone don’t know what they want:

  1. Don’t date them;
  2. Don’t fix them;
  3. Your clarity won’t educate them;
  4. Be upfront for what is important for you and stick to it.

I want you to remember as long as you are a healthy partner and you don’t have afraid to give because you know, you aren’t scared to lose, you will be bump by people who don’t know what they want, but your real partner will show up and create the right environment where you feel you belong.

Have a wonderful weekend,

Alexandra

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Avoidant and Anxious Partners Dance by The School of Life

Relationships is an area where we too often get stuck, unable to make ourselves understood or find the sort of love we need. This is largely due to a myth that loving another human should be something we all naturally know how to do. Far from it; we believe that love is a skill, not just an emotion – and that it’s a skill we all have to learn and carefully rehearse.

With love,

Alexandra

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I love You, But I’m Not In Love with You!

© 2020 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved

Before we start the article, I would like to wish you a wonderful new year and decade.

How many of you before, heard the statement “I love you, but I’m not in love with you?“. Does it mean the relationship is over? Can you fall back in love with your partner? What should you do when you hear these words?

I know it’s painful. I can feel your pain, and because of that, let me answer the last question. The first thing you should do when your partner says, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” is to ACCEPT he or she is feeling that way.

Don’t Fear, don’t beg, don’t panic. It’s time for you to respect your partner’s feelings/decisions and remove yourself from the equation. It’s time for you to take care of yourself after the emotional blowup and regain your clarity.

Now, let’s divide the sentence into two parts and understand the real meaning of it.

1. I love you: Means your partner have deep feelings for you and feel close and at home when you are near.

2. But I’m not in love with you: suggest there is something wrong with the relationship and the love you have for your partner is not enough. But the truth is, what they are experiencing is the wear off of limerence. 

What is limerence? Limerence is the normality of borderline crazy behavior in the first stages of love. It is the thunderbolt or in french the coup de foudre that you experience when you first saw your partner. When limerence wears off, some people fear they are falling out of love

IMPORTANT NOTE: That’s why romantics can be addicted to the high of this stage of “being in love” and spend their wholes lives moving on from one relationship to the next one, hoping that “special someone” will be “the one“.

All this modern trend that partners should be friends, as well as lovers, is another pressure to couples. In fact, romantic relationships need real friction, need difference, because it’s the difference that provides the love interest and growth. When there is the pressure for you to be everything to each other, there is little room for being who you are.
At this point, you hear complaints like “I started to feel that I couldn’t be myself” or “I was trapped by what people expected from me”.

So what happens after limerence wears off? Loving attachment arises. Loving attachment is real love, or in other words, to sustain your relationship and overcome obstacles, you need to work and feed your connection. Limerence makes you believe once you have found your partner, you can relax, and love will rescue from troubles or misunderstandings.

What feeds loving attachment:
1. Listening;
2. Sharing feelings;
3. Generosity: it can be save time for your partner or give him/her a gift;
4. Body Contact: put your hand in your partner’s leg while he/she drive;
5. Supporting: buying into their dreams or give them emotional support;
6. Share sense of humor: use private jokes or silly names;
7. The extra mile: We appreciate the gestures that are really tough for our partner.

What happens when you neglect the loving attachment with your partner? It happens what we call affectionate attachment that makes you feel not in love anymore.

For a long term-relationship we need to find enough similarities with our partner to make a connection, and enough differences to stop the relationship stagnating.

“it is the friction of rubbing off each other’s rough edges that provides the spark of passion”.

After the explanation, the question is: does it means the relationship is over? Can we fall back in love with your partner?

My answer is YES you can fall back in love with your partner, and falling out of love does not mean the relationship is over.

I want to clarify that most partners who had fallen out of love had recently had a life-changing experiences like: the death of a loved one, graduation, job changes, or unemployment. And also not addressing issues properly to find solutions and grow together in love.

Before close my article, I want once again highlight the importance of respect to your partner’s feelings as you must respect yours. Accept every word, process every word that was said, and give yourself time to heal. Don’t try to fix. If your partner wants the breakup, give it to them, and remove yourself from their lives. Because, as I said, don’t beg, don’t panic and don’t fear the outcome.
If you didn’t have a toxic relationship if you feel inside your heart after the healing and with the clarity that you want to create a new relationship with your partner because you love him/her, go for it.

When we want to experience real love, we have to have tools in our hands to help us to overcome the hardships of daily life. It’s easy to disconnect from the ones we love and call it quits when there is so much to explore and learn. Falling out of love is a real feeling but also means a new opportunity to discover who we are and our partners are. It is also one opportunity for both parties to see where they failed, and understand that our inner children need to be healed.

Without the perception of what is a relationship and what it implies, we will jump from one relationship to another. We will lose women and men that were the perfect match for us, not because they were perfect but because they challenged us every day to get out of our comfort zone.

My final advice is, heal yourself and seek professional people to help you work in yourself. Friends and family are good, but understand they will take your side, rarely make you see what’s going on or have one exempt opinion to make you think, and most importantly, feel.

Sending you my love, and see you soon

Alexandra

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Love Map: Love Your Partner Doesn’t Have To Be a Labyrinth

One of the biggest challenges, when we talk about relationships, is communication. In communication, we have to understand the responsibility in dialogue lies at the communicator. No one can change the other person. The truth is one of the most important principals of relationships is the ability to understand we all have shadows and bright traits in our personalities.

Why couples get lost from each other? They don’t update their love maps. What is a love map? Love Map is a person’s emotional, internal blueprint for their ideal erotic, sexual situations.

As the Portuguese psychologist with a specialty in sexology, Fernando Mesquita, wrote in his book, “Learn to love” or in Portuguese “Aprender a Amar“, envolves four principals: Action, Motivation, Acceptance, and Respect. 

Our lovemaps start to shape at an early age when we observe how people close to us relate with each other. It is a real-life portrayal where you build what will be your needs and what you want from relationships.

As we get older with the help of our internal love maps, we realize which types of partners we prefer in terms of gender and age. We form the preferences about the values and attitudes we want from our partners to share with us.

Your love map reflects the sense of who you are in your relationship. Once developed, help you to decide with whom you will become romantically involved and how to manage what happens in the relationship.

Relationships are one stage where the couple influences each other in ways that reverberate patterns and acquired behaviors. Here we apply the rule behavior generates behavior.

With this said, what are the major clues that your partner wants a more serious relationship?

1. Pronouns matter: Your partner will often use more the “We” than “I”;
2. Active Listening with an Agenda: Smitten partners are interested in learning about your goals and interests in order to build a future together.
3. Preference for proximity: Someone who is enamored with you wants to have you in the same room.
4. Dates are device-free zones: Your partner does not waste precious couple time texting or talking with others; the attention is focused on you. An adoring partner selfishly does not want anything to get in between the two of you.
5. A family affair: A real partner invites your family to join the two of you for meals or outings, offer small gifts. Treat your family as an extension of you.
6. You like it? You got it: If your partner want to maintain a relationship with you, want to please you. From favorite foods to fashion, from away weekends to amazing sex, they want you to have it.
7. Actions Speak, but words count: The desire for a closer connection is usually on full display, through both words and actions. Both partners verbalize and behave in ways that demonstrate they are ready to step up.

When we choose to spend our life with someone, we hand them a map of our inner world. Our inner world is a complex box where we save all our past experiences/memories, details of the present, and hopes for the future. Deep fears and grand dreams are part of this box, your box. From your life box, you draw your love map.

Life can shift suddenly, and dramatically, being extremely important to update constantly our love maps. What has the journey to this point been like for you? Where were the smooth roads? Where were the steep climbs or the deserts?

“Asking questions and telling stories adds detail to primitive pencil sketch map that you’ve been handed. As you add detail to your maps you gain clarity about the journey that you’re embarking on together. Early in a relationship, it’s easy to lose sight of the longer journey because now feels so good. Creating the discipline of getting to know each other should be a top priority.”

Now, after this explanation, I invite you to ask yourself “How well do I know my partner?”, “Do I know what are the challenges he or she is facing right now?”.
Don’t allow your relationship to be an old book in an old library. Instead, understand that it is in your hands the power to change your life and even your relationship just being curious. Yes, with curiosity, you will learn more and more about your loved one.

Don’t be an old library, open the book of your life to your partner’s life.

With love,

Alexandra

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Bounce Back from Adversity: When Enough is Enough

The Buddhists say without mud, there is no lotus. They also defend having a big mind means you can share your adverse experiences by either talking or writing with no filter because you see it as a way to improve yourself.

Because we are so close to Christmas now, I decided it was the right time to write about one topic that has been the pain of my ass all this year. I’m not doing it because I want to talk about my private life, so far from that. I want to show you when it’s time to let things go and when it’s time to say no to people, even if they are family.

I believe you know that being a farmer and have a farm is one of the toughest jobs because unpredictability is part of the game. You can’t control the weather for sure, and human actions either. I can describe to you Alexandra as one tough woman, someone who knows what she wants and where she is going.

I love agriculture it requires you to have a strong personality, good emotional and cognitive characteristics because when failure is there for some reason, you have to recover from it and keep going with your chin up. Dignity and integrity is the key.

Those who are resilient are able to believe in themselves and their ability to effectively manage life’s challenges. So, my two questions are:

1. What if people with or without your blood try to sabotage your work with schemes?
2. Will laws protect you?

I will start to answer the second question Laws won’t protect you. Why? Personally, 2019 was lived to pay debts made by my father in the name of the company. He made purchases, investments without being the manager of the company. I am the manager, and my name was in the middle of this complete mess, even without my signature. Another question is, shouldn’t suppliers make sure that the individual who is purchasing things for the company has the power to do so? Shouldn’t laws and courts be more attentive to these issues? Where is the obligation of the contract signature? Where is the justice?

To be more precise, this man has developed narcissists traits during the years, he cheated on my mother and led a thriving business to bankruptcy. Feels like him and his friends dictate the law, and everyone has to kiss the ground he steps on. Exactly what I never did or will do. 

What if people with or without your blood try to sabotage your work with schemes? Well, this is one intricate question because if in the beginning, you try to manage things because you have blood relations when things get worse, and there is a perpetuation of toxic behaviors, you say goodbye.

When you feel inside your gut that people try to sabotage your work because they act based on personal conflicts, and waves of anger against your ancestors, you have to raise your sword and fight with fair play. It’s hard because there is so much corruption out there, people will think you are crazy, you are reading to many novels. But I’m sorry to disappoint you, in real life, in business, there is no space for unicorns or pink colors.

I’m so fucking tired, so emotional drained, but I did a stupendous work because I could solve most of the problems. To be a businesswoman, an investor, especially in this field, means you have to know how to separate “brandy” from work. There are no friends, no acquaintances, or family. In business and money, there is no room for feelings or emotions.

Alexandra doesn’t have the patience to deal with people who don’t know what they want or where they are going.
All these and other circumstances of life led me to one point where I’m very demanding when it comes to intimate relationships and about who I allow in my life.

For me, a weak man is someone who doesn’t keep his word and feed emotional bullshit outside the relationship. It is someone who doesn’t pay attention to my passions and what makes me alive with butterflies in the stomach.

The best lesson of this year for life? I have to remain who I am. Accept breadcrumbing will only lead to resentment. I have to shine even more in this world. I can always achieve what I want because the real power resides in me. I understood partnership is one important stone in my life, although I denied this for too long while I was healing my emotional wounds, I always wanted to have a healthy intimate relationship.

All these situations made me realize how much I want to be a mother and start a new life where I can be who I am and leave my mark because of who I am. Not because I am the daughter or granddaughter of somebody else.

I never had afraid to start from zero, I will do it again because I deserve so much better, and who genuinely loves me will be with me on that journey.

No matter how tough is the storm, the sun is waiting for you. You’re the sun, the world your red carpet.

With love,

Alexandra

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The Impact of Emotional Anorexia in Relationships

© 2019 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved

In today’s article, I will bring to Ouso Escrever one topic that I believe everyone had lived in past or is living in the present moment. Emotional Anorexia.

Before I start, I would like to thank you for your contribution to my website through your commentaries, and one warmest welcome to the new people that started following Ouso Escrever recently.

What is Emotional Anorexia?

Emotional anorexia means that you are in a state of emotional starvation. Just as irritability and anger happen when your blood glucose levels go down, when you don’t have enough “psychological sugar”, your emotional “blood levels” also decrease.

This situation is especially true for women who are out there working harder, who know who they are, and even with the bounces of life, they keep fighting for a better life no matter what. The truth is the continued exposure to stress and emotionally stressful situations, lead to a decrease in reserves of emotional and physical well-being.

What happens when the emotional reserves are empty?

  1. You swallow your needs and overdo;
  2. You experience a slow buildup of resentment and anger;
  3. You feel a deep irritation that results in an explosion of volcanic anger. This reaction is over small or even silly transgression, by your partner friends or people close to you;
  4. You are the “bad guy” because you bring old grievances instead of just keep things fun and light.

Does it mean you are wrong? Not really. It does mean you are doing too much and receiving less of what you deserve and is necessary for you. It means you want to be valued, loved, appreciated, and complimented, but you suppress these needs because of life demands. You suppress your needs because you want to see everyone you love happy and safe. Forming and maintaining one intimate relationship requires open communication, respect, and giving of oneself. One important principle of romantic relationships is each partner helps the other to achieve their needs, wants, and desires.

Explanations like distance, lack of time, and other typical allegations used by somewhat “self-centered” people are just the easy road for one woman to lose the respect and admiration she has towards her partner, family, and friends.

Let me ask you these questions:

  • Does your partner check up on you daily basis to know how you are?
  • Do you wish him or her to call you without you have to ask for it?
  • There is curiosity about how is your life involving? What are your dreams?
  • Do you see him or her more into a friend’s life and not in yours? (It happens more than recommended, some people to deny it call their partner’s freaks and with controlling or needy personalities.)
  • How many high fat negative emotions are you consuming in a day?

No one can make another person change. The responsibility to change rests in you.

Don’t nag, don’t yell, don’t treat badly and don’t lose your control.

Let me share this with you,

I am a descendent of people who have fought a lifetime against dishonesty and built their lives through the power of honest work. I carry their example with me, and this year was the hardest year of my life because I hate slutty behavior from men or women. I hate, and I can’t stand with lies and manipulation games, which I saw the entire year. There was no time to have a break, time to think about solutions, time to feel me and respect, my needs.

But what is the lesson I can take from it? First of all, don’t leave things unresolved before you die because the next generations will suffer from it.
Secondly, before you cheat your partner, use your balls or your vagina properly and talk about what and how you feel. Don’t be an asshole or a bitch replacing the importance of your partner in your life by other people.

Thirdly, if one partner can’t stand with you during hardships or use excuses as I wrote before, sooner or later, you will lose respect, admiration, and sexual desire. It’s how it works for me, and for most women that want a man for who they are and not what they have.

I want a man who is willing to take the lead, and exchange with me the old fashion promise rings, which means a high-level of soul interlocking.

I want a partner, a man who is curious about my life, who ask me questions and don’t find excuses to justify his absence. I want a man which I can call my home, the safe space where I can be myself. I want a man who knows where I stand and respect my beliefs, respect my life background, which he considers a sacred place.

Because I am strong doesn’t mean I don’t need attention, it doesn’t mean I don’t need protection, it doesn’t mean I don’t need to be loved. Because I am strong, I need more love, more protection, more emotional support, and understanding.

I am strong but I am tired, I’m tired of being out there fighting to clean the mess and providing safety to everyone.

Lastly, this year made me emotional starving, but I am alive. I’m healing my wounds, I’m stepping back from situations, and people from where I don’t receive what I deserve. I’m proud of myself, my capacity to love and overcome hardships. I understood, after all, I will always have the most precious treasure in my life, me.

My advice for you, don’t swallow the high-fat emotions when it hits your tongue, spit it out. Don’t forget to understand your emotional triggers. Don’t silent your needs, but don’t blame who you love, instead find new healthy ways to love the dark moments in your life. Part of the process of being resilient is resisting the temptation to complain.

Be brave, be you, and don’t forget to fulfill your emotional tank with good emotions.

Find joy, be the joy!

I wish you a wonderful weekend.

With love,

Alexandra

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Sex and Relationships: What is Sexual Fluidity?

© 2019 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved

In today’s article, I thought was the right time to bring to the Ouso Escrever stage, one of the most controversial subjects about sexuality, called Sexual Fluidity.
Why people mistake sexual fluidity with sexual orientation? Your partner is gay or lesbian because he or she felt attraction and had sex with someone of the same gender? Are they gay because they don’t show a strong libido or a high sex drive?

The truth is sexual orientation is stable and unlikely to change, and it isn’t a choice, but at some point in their lives, men or women might feel attraction for same-gender folks and even have sex with them.
These men or women identify themselves as straight or heterosexual people, but there are casual exceptions along the way where sexual and romantically responses are with someone outside of their sexual identity.

Males are discouraged from sharing their feelings or displaying any so-called feminine affectations such as tenderness or touching, which stops around the age of eight.
For that reason, if they have one thought or an erotic dream about gay sex, they will be terrified to admit it because they will be labeled as gay or bisexual. It’s frightening and confusing.

To make things even worst, usually, women are reluctant to have a relationship with a man if they discover that their man has erotic thoughts about being intimate with another man. They will leave without having a serious conversation and explore what’s going on.
Here we can see how powerful are the boxes we use every day to label people and the choices we do in our romantic lives.

While men are stigmatized for having one non-straight thought, women are fetishized for it. What should we think about it? What are we doing with our men?

Citizens and therapists community needs to be aware of this important point, erotic interests outside the label box, don’t mean you are gay lesbian or bisexual. We have to identify what is sexual orientation and erotic orientation. They are different things.

Sexual orientation, as you must know, is defined by to whom you are attracted, erotic orientation is what makes up your turns-on and erotic interests leading you to one orgasm. Erotic orientation is all about your fantasies, and in those fantasies, you can be whoever you want.

Before going further, I will leave four questions that you can use to identify your personal sexual identity:

  1. Do you have youth memories of same-sex people attraction? Did you were excited to see your naked colleagues in the locker room?
  2. Are you Homophobic? Homophobic people usually are homosexual people in the closet. They repress their feelings, and research has shown straight people don’t feel threatened by homosexual folks or their behaviors.
  3. When you go to the beach, who do you notice first? Where your eyes go?
  4. With who you see yourself waking up every morning and go home?

Drs. Alfred Kinsey, Wardell Pomeroy, and Clyde Martin developed the Heterosexual-Homosexual Rating Scale—more commonly known as “The Kinsey Scale.” First published in Sexual Behavior in the Human Male (1948), the scale accounted for research findings that showed people did not fit into exclusive heterosexual or homosexual categories.

These experiences, when well addressed, can increase the intimacy between the couple, and this reminds me, my first boyfriend. At the time, I had 23 years old, and he had 34. I can tell you he was the most attentive man I’ve ever met, but there wasn’t something quite right till one day he said he wanted to share one personal thing. He said: Alexandra, I don’t know how you will deal or process this information, but I want to be transparent with you. I want to tell you that I had sex with men in the past. It only happened twice and was with close friends.
He explained that he has only romantic and physical interests in women, but there was a curiosity about sex with men and their bodies, not to have a relationship with them.

I held his hand, and I said, let’s have dinner, and enjoy our evening.
The only question I made was how was he feeling, and his answer was I can be myself with you. We were together for two years and a half, ended not because of a lack of love but because he left the country, and wanted me to go with him. But I was studying. He got married later and had kids.

When we love someone, for real, we don’t jump in conclusions. We let our partners express themselves and let them be who they are. Listen, just because your man isn’t macho and don’t rip off your clothes doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. He may not have much experience with intimate relationships, or your libidos don’t match properly. He may have sexual fluidity, and what? Is that the end of the world?

The idea of male sexual fluidity isn’t scary or shameful.

Don’t let boxes rule your life, help your partners during their sexual struggles, and help them not only to express but find their true identity.

With love,

Alexandra

Em destaque

Why Men Lose Good Women?

© 2019 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved

In today’s article, I would like to share with you why men lose good women without even realizing it. Without being feminist, because men are beautiful human beings, the truth is most of them lose good women because they take them for granted, and the other reasons you have to read my article till the end.

Most of you that started to read me from the beginning know that I emphasize the need and responsibility to work on our relationships and even on ourselves. A healthy relationship is like tango dance, you only receive standing applause, if you work as a team, to have a good performance. Life is the stage of this performance.

The question is, why men lose good women?

The truth is, when one man loses his woman, it’s because she had lost respect for him. And here I show you the causes:

  1. He is bossy around her, but submissive around other women/men
  2. Suspicious and Protective
  3. Don’t treat her as a priority
  4. Hiding his true potential as a man
  5. Taking her love, respect and attraction for granted
  6. Empower others but often belittle her
  7. Often makes excuses when don’t contact her regularly
  8. Compare her with other people
  9. He don’t share with her important events of his life

Why good women lose respect for their men? The nine causes above make the reasons quite obvious, but the truth is, healthy women want to be cherished by their partners, they want to see passion and admiration in their eyes.

Nothing turns off more women’s desire than see their man being bossy around her, and when it comes to other people, he accepts everything they do or say. The message this man is giving to his woman is he is weak and easily manipulated by others, or at least the rules only are applied to her with whom he is intimate. The same happens when he empowers others over her, a typical situation in the middle of one argument where the subject is another woman.

One good woman loses respect for her partner and leaves because she is looking for one trait, the most important element to make her stay, called: relational self-awareness. Find or chose someone for a long term love relationship is all about having someone by your side when things hit the fan. When you are in those moments as a woman, you need a man who will sit with you shoulder-shoulder, looking together with you at the problems you face.

Help you overcome obstacles giving you emotional support, and not showing you bullshit when deep down inside his heart, he knows is wrong. When one man prioritizes others when he doesn’t share with you details of his life when he compares you with other people, he kills your passion and your desire for him.

To conclude my article,

All of us possess a love map, knowing the love map of your partner you can be intimate with her, true intimacy happens when you allow yourself to discover and understand your partner without the dubious lens of your thoughts.

If you know your woman needs your support and she even asks for it, why you keep finding excuses to pull away from her? If you help people, sometimes you barely know why you neglect her? Do you remember she even shared her body with you?

Do you have fears that she will leave you? Well, do you know acting like you don’t care you will lose her because you are feeding your brain self-prophecy?

Women need men with confidence.

Women want men to burn them with desire and proud.

One woman, a real woman, wants to be with one man who sees her and loves her for who she is.

Your woman wants to be a priority in your life.

Your woman is independent, but she still needs to know that you long for her, and you miss her.

Keep this in mind.

With love,

Alexandra

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The Neurology Behind Breaking Up And Healthy Relationships

© 2019 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved

In today’s article, as promised, I will conclude my previous post explaining the relationships between hormones and how they help us to sustain our intimate relationships.
If you want to forge strong bonds with your partner, dopamine and oxytocin have to be present. Why? Dopamine is the hormone responsible for rewards, and oxytocin called the love hormone is responsible for bonding and fidelity.

The question is, why it’s hard for some people to sustain and have healthy relationships and for others so easy? What’s the role of cell phones and phone apps with the relationship dissatisfactions? The answer is simple when it comes to dopamine production, or other hormone-related to happiness, the truth is, partners can’t compete, against cell phone stimulation. The same rule applies to children. Sadly, parents and even the educational system aren’t structured to give to children or young people brain the necessary stimulus, that allows dopamine production.

The dopamine connection explains why smartphone addiction is on the rise generally, but why are kids more at risk than anyone else? It turns out that teen brains are special. You have probably heard that a person’s brain is not fully developed before they reach their twenties. At the stage of development that a teenager’s brain is in, it is especially responsive to dopamine. 

Because of the teen brain’s sensitivity to dopamine, they’re more likely to act impulsively and rationalize the benefits of an action while ignoring the consequence. A teen’s brain picks up on patterns faster than an adult brain, especially when there’s a positive reward associated with that pattern – like a burst of dopamine. That means that a teen can develop an addiction to something like a smartphone much more quickly, and it’s harder for them to shake that addiction later. 

But returning to intimate relationships why this fake production of dopamine leads to breakups and unhealthy relationships?

  1. They ignore you
  2. They’re distracted
  3. They’re easily bored because there is no constantly stimulation
  4. They have anxiety
  5. You feel rejected
  6. Your sex life is suffering, some people have even admitted to checking their phone while having sex with their partner.
  7. They use their cell phones as a refuge when its time to talk about serious subjects.

As you can see its the same principle behind gambling, and that’s why this addiction as many others can lead to breakups when it comes to intimate relationships.

Right now, we are living in this stupid period of existence where you go out with your partner or friends, and they are constantly checking their cell phones. We are living this mediocre period where women use their children to obtain followers on Instagram, and at the end of the line, creating little narcissist future adults. There are plenty of ways if you want to be a real influencer, one of them, or most important, is to be yourself and live your life.

You can ask me: Alexandra, you don’t use your cell phone? I do yes, but to be honest, more are the days I forgot it at home than the days I have it with me.
I take pictures, and I have social media, but I don’t prioritize it over my relationships. My partner or even my family will never say to me I’m spending too much time on my cell phone. I can recall some situations where I felt angry because of my partner’s behavior. Most people don’t realize how disrespectful it is an act of checking the phone while they are with people who love them.

To give you one idea, compulsive use of dating apps can change your focus to short-term hookups instead of developing long-term relationships. And this behavior has a direct correlation with dopamine and other hormones. People now are seeking fast validation and fast love creating poor connections.

Check this article to understand more about this:

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/cell-phone-addiction

To conclude my article, I would like to ask you to look after your behavior, but most importantly, be sure you are feeding your relationships. To those who are in long-distance relationships, it can work out even if you depend on technology to see and talk with your lover. What makes one relationship flourish is how you feed it, your investment level, and the quality times you spend with your lover.

I belong to the last generation of people who grew up without a cell phone, and in my case, it was so good and so much healthier. For that reason, we have the responsibility to teach our children and lead them to a better place. The same applies to our relationships.

Don’t fuck up your life and those who love you.

With love,

Alexandra

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Oxytocin, Dopamine, Serotonin: The Neurology Behind Breaking Up And Healthy Relationships

© 2019 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved

In this Sunday article I invite you all to ask yourself the following questions:


1. Do you know that Dopamine, Oxytocin and Serotonin are responsible for the maintenance of your intimate relationships?

2. Did you ever found yourself sad because you had a date with someone new and that person disappeared without saying anything?

3. If you are in a long-term relationship, do you do new things with your partner, like one unsurprised date night together? One adventure between nature at the weekend? Start a new hobby alone or together?

4. If you are a parent, do your children use cell phones and other devices during family times, like dinner?

5. Did you know one of the reasons why some couples have weak emotional bonds with each other and with their child, is because of new technology?

6. How many times do you go to one restaurant, and you find out around you adult people and children using electronic devices while having their meals?

7. Do you notice that sometimes your partner is checking their cell phone while you talk and they don’t pay attention to you? How do you feel? How do you react?

8. Do you find yourself, sometimes, competing for attention from your partner with a cell phone, social media, and instant text messages?

9. One last question, do you know when you expose your children through social media and mobile devices you are killing their creativity and their social skills? More worst you, are feeding their dopamine production constantly, and that can cause damage in the future?

Now, watch the videos bellow


During the week, I will explain why I wrote this article with just nine questions and three videos. I will also explain why hormones play a huge role in our relationships and why we should avoid exposing our children to a cell phone or other electronic devices.

As human beings, as men and women, we should, and we have the power to educate or reeducate this world. It’s in our hands to allow our kids to be kids and not using them as a source of appreciation or acceptance from others in virtual settings.

When we expose ourselves and our children to electronic stimulation we remove from ourselves the power of being loved and give love. Why? Because our brain is too busy processing the constant information and has no time our space to enjoy other things.

When we expose ourselves and our children to electronic stimulation, we remove from ourselves the power of being loved and give love.

Think about that!

With Love

Alexandra

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Men Insecurities: How Emotional Integrity Change How You Feel?

"Emotional Integrity is having our heart, mind and will unified.  When we are in our emotional integrity we can act without hesitation or doubt.  The phrase of, “my mind says one thing, but my heart says another”, may be all too common in our lives.  When this happens our will is divided and our actions hesitate with conflict of doubt in the mind and emotions. When we are acting from our Integrity, what we could call our authentic self, we don’t try. We don’t’ have a need to try. We just take action. We don’t concern ourselves with whether what we are doing is the right thing.  We also don’t have a need to justify or defend what we are doing to anybody.  This includes ourselves.  The action comes from the heart and is with love, that is how we know it is true. It also comes with humility because we are acting on behalf of love and not for ourselves or a sense of righteousness. Emotional integrity  Words don't corrupt this authenticity with chatter in the mind. There are not many men or women of integrity.  Most people second guess themselves.  When a person with emotional integrity makes a mistake, or fails in their endeavor, they don't judge themselves.  They know  they did their best and the mind does not create an internal conflict with self judgment. This mental conflict is a break from wholeness and love for one's self."
© 2019 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved

In this new weekly article, I would like to ask you to analyze and feel yourself with a different lens. If you can, let go of all the judgments and old beliefs and feel yourself. Feel in your body where are your emotions while you read my words.

Let me ask you, what is Emotional Integrity? Did you hear about it before?

Emotional Integrity comprehends you as a human being as a whole of features that allow you to act according to your values and what is right for you, no matter what people say or think. You don’t let social rules restrain your behavior, and you are willing to “kill” old beliefs to achieve personal growth.

What relation has Emotional Integrity and Men’s insecurities? When one man possesses his Emotional Integrity, he doesn’t live his relationships based on fear or in need to be accepted. A man with Emotional Integrity is a partner who can see his woman for who she is and allows her to express her needs and feelings, without taking those expressions as something personal against him.

But what we do with our men every day? We “kill” them. Why? We don’t allow them to express their feelings and who they are as one integral individual. Many men and many women before meeting one stable emotional partner, they had partners who were out of control and behaving without emotional integrity. And this leaves scars.

To be even more concrete and accurate, the new partner, who is stable, will pay the bill like it or not. It’s how things work in relationships. Relationships are also opportunities to heal wounds that we all have.

What is the typical behavior of one insecure man:

  • He’s overly sensitive to criticism
  • Self-fulfilling prophecy and this is very dangerous because the person who has insecurities let the brain lead the scene to the point, where things will happen
  • Trust Issues that lead to abandonment issues. He trust you, but don’t trust you completely
  • Suspicious of others motives, believe that people want take advantage of him
  • Comparisons to push away their partners, as protection, and defeat the possibility of being hurt hurting their partners. 
  • He held back the need to call you because he doesn’t want you to see him as needy.
  • He will be overly hard on Himself
  • He never wants to be in pictures
  • Anxiety sexual performance
  • Anxiety in general

Men fear being left after expose to their partner how they feel inside. Men fear criticism and judgment, and the truth is society rules “invite” men to be strong all the time, men have to be God’s between sheets, if not, they are probably gay. And this what leads so many men to suicide. Those fucking old fashion rules that only increase dissatisfaction and paranoia.

The real desire for closeness comes from Emotional Integrity, not from Fear when it comes from fear the relationship between the couple doesn’t evolve.

In a conscious relationship, when partners are committed to growing out from their childhood beliefs and past relationships baggage, new solutions appear.
It’s liberating the act of sharing your emotions and thoughts without judgment. When you full disclose your fears in the front of your partner and you are vulnerable something magical happens.

There is no space and exist clear boundaries for what it is a potential threat to the relationship.

Great love in relationship is present when there is no fear.

Healthy women that are living their lives based on their Emotional Integrity code want to feel safe with a man who is emotionally available, honest, trustworthy and authentic. They long for character strengths that they can admire. Healthy women need men who aren’t weak, and for that reason, don’t bend to the whims of others. When he is in his emotional integrity, he is who he is.

Healthy women don’t like drama are against drama. They understand that their man is like museum pieces that can be admire by others, but if it leads to unnecessary drama, the game is over.

When you ask something like you want to spend more time with your partner or his/her attention from your emotional integrity, you are also communicating that you know together you are stronger than when you are alone. It’s authentic.

Your emotions are what you feel, not what you are.

Example: Don’t say I’m angry, say I’m feeling angry, and after that, identify where you feel that anger and why.

If your partner is insecure, look at him or her with a lens of compassion. Insecurities always have a cause, and most of the time has nothing to do with you. Men or women with insecurity traits want to experience real love, but somewhere in their adulthood or childhood, that kind of connection wasn’t there.

Most of these people told themselves a story that love wasn’t necessary, and no one could measure up what they want when it comes to intimate relationships till one day someone appears and gives them one “electric shock”.

After reading my words ask yourself these questions:

  • How do you feel about yourself?
  • Are you doing things that can sabotage your relationship?
  • Did you tell your partner today that you love him/her today? Because instead of protecting yourself, tell them that you miss them and you want them to be close.

My partner, although he has fears, and insecurities took an airplane to meet me more than one year ago. With this simple action, he shows me he has no fear at all. He was acting through his emotional integrity, doing what was correct for him, and at least for me, for us.

Don’t let insecurities blind you, don’t let your fears kill love, and real affection.

Who loves you for real, don’t have afraid of your insecurities, or go through darkest hours.

With love,

Alexandra

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The Danger of Phubbing: Are You Snubbing Your Relationship?

For those of you who are new to the term Phubbing, Phubbing is a dopamine slot machine that keeps you away from real relationships.
Phubbing is the act of snubbing people in favor of a phone, is a disrespectful, harmful, and a habit that can ruin relationships.

Commenting, Liking, email-checking, scrolling, notifications are fake dopamine triggers. Those dopamine triggers can create massive destructions into your intimate relationships because it enhances emotional distance between partners.

Why Phubbing can be so harmful?

We should never forget, or at least understand which love language our partner has. If your partner’s love language is quality time, be sure that soon or later, your partner will resent you for you spending so much time using your cell phone.

Electronic devices are addictive, and the addictive power belonging to these little creatures are at time just impossible to compete.

In addition to the constant scooping up of the phone and checking it, trouble can start when device usage becomes secretive. Having the cell phone locked or if one partner enters the room and the other quickly puts the phone away, it’s cause for concern.

“Affairs don’t have to be physical in nature”

What is the solution for a Phubbing situation?

  • Don’t dismiss the words of your partner as complaining or controlling
  • Put your phone away during dinner and other events
  • Identify the difference between crucial and important. Ask yourself: Do I need to check out my cell phone all the time?
  • About people who are messaging you, constantly, for nothing, ask yourself: Do they have a life?
  • Implement the “device-free days” and even “no-phone zones”
  • Take a break from social media and see what happens.

Now let me share my personal experience:

As far as I remember, I always hated cell phones, although it is a necessary evil, the way it has been used now go far beyond the acceptable lines for healthy existence.

I barely use my cell phone even now, and I don’t have the popular platform Instagram. Why? Priorities.

You might ask why she hates cell phones? Well, I discovered with sixteen years old that my “father” was having one affair with another woman because his cell phone was always receiving text messages with all kinds of promiscuous content. Because emotions are brain associations, you have an explanation for why I hate cell phones.

My personal advice to you is this:

  • When you are with your partner, put your cell phone away, use a drawer to save both cell phones, and enjoy your moments together.
  • Define a time line for activities like checking your email, facebook, messenger, etc. After that return to your normal life and to your relationship.
  • Tell people who are distracting you with bullshit, that you are with your partner, and wish them well.

Is this a hard thing to do?

The answer belongs to you. I know mine. Do you know yours?

For some fun and make you think at same time, enjoy the follow video:

with love,

Alexandra

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The Secret Ingredient to Love: Cherish Your Partner

© 2019 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved

I Cherish you!

Let me ask you this: How many times do you cherish your partner?

Everywhere we see and hear people writing and talking that we are living in a life period where everything is faster. But no one tells you how to stop and give attention to your life and relationships.

Let me give some ingredients that you can work and rock on your life and intimate relationships:

  1. Team First
    Remember that you are your partner are a team, no matter what.
  2. Be fair, Be You
    Disappointments and disillusioned will arise at some point in the relationship, be fair with your partner. Don’t play the blame game, and remember your partner’s background is different from yours.
  3. Vulnerability
    Allow yourself and your partner to be vulnerable. One of the reasons why emotional betrayal appear, it’s because the couple don’t allow each element to express their individual needs/fears.
  4. Resiliency
    If you or your partner are facing challenging moments in life, see this as an opportunity to get close and offer support. The best relationships are those built during hardships where you have emotional support from your partner, no matter what.
  5. Self-reflection
    Your self-beliefs are the inputs you introduce into your life and your relationship. When you don’t cherish your core values, you don’t see your partner as one individual. But when you live according to your core values, you allow your partner to experience their lack of congruency, taking the responsibility to recommit and correct what is necessary.
  6. Become an Alpha People
    There is a wrong idea about the meaning of being one alpha person, often associated with negative traits. Alpha people can deal well with stress and watch over their tribe at the same time. Alpha people solve problems or at least seek all kinds of solutions for them. Alpha men or women will respect their partners, cherish them, making sure they are safe and feel loved. One of the best qualities of Alpha people is, they will sacrifice their own needs if the intimate relationship needs support. Honesty, assertiveness, open to new ideas, willing to take risks are just short examples of qualities in these people.

If you try to follow with baby steps the points above, I’m sure you will start to experience substantial changes in your life and intimate relationships. The only thing I ask you is to be yourself, no matter what. With this, I mean, treat the ones you love with respect and remember you are with them for one reason.

To my partner,

Before closing this article, I would like to say it has been an incredible journey be in our intimate relationship. We have so much ahead waiting for us. Your struggles, your anxiety, and scared moments made me realize how much beautiful human being you are. You are a strong man, but you do have feelings, you feel pain, you feel anger, you do feel happiness.

You changed my life, and I love it when I see you being vulnerable with me. There is no reason anymore for you to feel alone I’m by your side with no empty promises.

“Lost is how I’m feeling lying in your arms
When the world outside’s too much to take
That all ends when I’m with you”

And because we are talking about passion, I share with you the last article of Dr Thomas Maples

With love,

Alexandra

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Comparison Trap: The Silent Pain That Tears Your Partner Apart.

© 2019 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved

In today’s article, I suggest all of us to have a reflection about the impact of comparison in our intimate relationships. If you want to see a partner disconnecting from you, comparing him or her with someone else is an easy way to erode your relationship, and the bond you have.

Let’s be honest and make things clear our intimate relationships are a stage, where we play the role of healing our wounds. But based on our insecurities and fears, instead of healing, we create more wounds and end up pushing away people that love us.

Can comparison kill your relationship and reduce intimacy? The answer is yes, and I will tell you why.

  1. Inadequacy
    Inadequacy comes along with the feeling of not being respectful and valuable enough. With this said, if you compare your partner with other people less value, you will push your partner away because no matter what he or she do or say, nothing is enough for you.
  2. Discouragement
    Discouragement is defining as your partner is losing confidence and enthusiasm to show you his or her love. Being compared negatively with others, being under a subconscious test all the time can lead your partner to seek respect and value elsewhere.
  3. It’s Toxic
    You should never compare your partner with others because it is toxic. Getting caught up in comparison blinds you to the good things your partner has and the good he or she does to your relationship. Increase the risk to start the blame game, where you lose, and your partner loses and leaves you.

The three points above lead me to the following question:

While you spend time comparing your lover, have you been taking any responsibility for yourself?

Instead of comparing, focus on what you two have. Pay attention to your bond and why you are together. It’s easy to take a relationship for granted.

Before you become pathetic — pleading, begging, literally on your knees, apologizing for everything, offering things that are distasteful to you, promising to be better, just to re-secure your partner’s affection. Or worst pretending you feel nothing, ask yourself why you are comparing your partner and testing him or her. What are your fears?

Do you ever thought that you are comparing your partner as a deactivating strategy to pull away from your partner because you fear intimacy?

Here one link for you understand the deactivating strategy process: https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/psychology/deactivating-strategy

Personally, comparisons will drive me away because when they start to evolve, two things happen: 

  1. It gives me the message that my partner doesn’t see who I am
  2. He is scared and doesn’t trust me enough to share his fears and feelings

Love yourself!

Love your partner!

Stop sabotage your life!

Don’t fuck up your relationship!

With love,

Alexandra

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Intimacy: The Ingredient to Flourish Your Relationship

Our souls crave intimacy – Erwin McManus 

We all try to find the true definition of intimacy, but can it be found between words? Intimacy happens at the psychological level, the sense of belonging, the feeling of being alive, content and ecstatic.

And this leads me to this point we can’t ignore the importance of physical intimacy, but emotional intimacy is the prerequisite to nurture the relationship and make it bloom.

We feel close to our partner when we share desires, feelings, dreams, aspirations, and secrets. By the process, we become vulnerable.

So be thankful to God if your partner can express their feelings with you.

Physical intimacy is a potent and common way to show love, but I’m not talking about sex or making out. With physical intimacy, you let your loved one know that they have a special place in your heart. Romantic massage, back rub, holding hands, cozy hugs are also physical intimacy.

Did you ever hear about intellectual intimacy? Intellectual intimacy allows partners to share their thoughts, ideas freely, no matter if opinions differ. There is no fear of consequences. Views can be express and argue freely. There is no reason to fear of being judged by your partner communication is easy.

Self emotional regulated partners tend to be more in contact with their emotions and less prone to create drama in vain. They are in tune with their intuition.

For centuries, women were called witches and burned at the stake for possessing these so-called supernatural powers. It couldn’t be natural to be able to predict what others would do, spot liars, and uncover the truth.

The ability to decode nonverbal cues is ultimately valuable and essential for effective communication. Intuition is a gift, so if your woman seems to be persistent about something, ask her what’s going on. Listen with attention, because be in tune is part of intimacy.

In the book, Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps, one experiment was created to prove women’s ability to read body language and other signs.

Women were asked to watch a video of crying babies but with no sound, only visual cues. Most of the women could detect a wide range of emotions when only 10 percent of men could identify more than two emotions.

If you don’t trust someone, go with that feeling. You can save your relationship, your company, and your life from disaster.

More than ever, women need to know that their ability to pick up low-level cues is historically developed.

Men need to understand when their partner needs to talk about something, that isn’t right, they should be less defensive and more open to the feedback. How many times you think your partner is feeling jealous or is somehow over-reactive/dramatic, only to find out later she was right?

Intimacy is the ability to hear and feel your partner.

With love,

Alexandra

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Social Media and Relationships: Do You Wanna Be Part of This Game?

Being addicted to social media needs to stop. (Image via Pinterest)

I would love to share with you this video about social media and relationships, and let’s think about what we are doing with our romantic lives. I believe we can find love using the internet, but also I believe love requires work, loyalty, and honesty.

Have you found love, sex, or intimacy online? Millions of us have—and we are constantly building and maintaining connections with friends, relationship partners, and lovers through the intricate paths of the world wide web. But how is this all affecting romantic relationships? And what rules should we have with our partners about online behaviors? A developmental psychologist, Dr. Michelle Drouin studies the effects of technology on literacy, communication, and relationships. She also studies the roles of technology in teaching and learning. Dr. Drouin’s research on sexting and mobile phone addiction has attracted international attention, and she regularly does interviews for television, radio, newspapers, and magazines. Her research has been cited in a number of prominent news sources including CNN, NPR, MSNBC, CBS News, The New York Times, Huffington Post, Reuters, Men’s Health, Parenting Magazine, and Psychology Today.

With love,

Alexandra

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Resilience, The Skin That Covers my Name

© 2019 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved

“Eat a live frog first in the morning, and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day” – Mark

The noun resilience stems from the Latin resilient “to rebound, recoil.” Its well know for a set of features that allow us to recover from trauma or tragedy, threats or other significant sources of stress.

You bend, but you don’t break.

Traits of resilient people:

  1. Protect their soul
  2. They control their destiny
  3. Commitment
  4. Close, secure attachment to others
  5. Self-efficacy
  6. Strengthening effect of stress
  7. Patience
  8. Faith
  9. Realistic sense of control
  10. Under pressure, focus and think clearly
  11. Prefer to take the lead in problem-solving
  12. Make unpopular or difficult decisions
  13. Strong sense of purpose
  14. When things look hopeless, never give up
  15. Like challenges
  16. Good communication skills
  17. Back bone of the family
  18. Can handle unpleasant feelings
  19. Protect those they love

Everything in life is about balance, you can’t enjoy the daylight, without understanding the darkest nights. Developing resilience is a very personal process, and for me it was a journey of gaining perspective, self-awareness, and problem-solving skills. Stepping out from the flames, molded by the heat and the challenges I had to face.

Be resilient means you embrace hardships as a cause, and you endorse your standards until the end of your life as a flag. It means for me also I was and still be the backbone of my family, helping to keep everything upright and moving forward. Was it easy? Not really, but someone had to do that work. Living is a marathon, not a sprint, and for that matter of fact, I was always careful when it comes to chose people to share this journey with me. I have lost people I love, I have lost emotional memories, but never allowed anyone to take my dignity away.

Since the moment I am aware of my emotions, I can tell you, sometimes, it can be a lonely journey where you have to stand for yourself, and for the ones you love. I learned that love is an art. You can be a good painter, but without a good canvas, you don’t impress. The same happens in life and intimate relationships if we hold back affection, we lose our inner power, and we don’t show up.

Resiliency is rooted in self-awareness. The ability to cope with and overcome difficulties and tragedies of life understanding we own our emotions and capabilities well I’m the architect of my life and existence, when I feel so anxious, I know that even making bad choices I have the strength and tenacity to pursue a better path.

Adversity came into my life to guide me to my true destiny, and yes, it invokes pain, suffering, and disappointments. And yes, pain can be caused by our actions, including our inability to achieve the desired aspiration. However, despite our darkest moments, we must stay connected to our core intention.

Resiliency’s about reaching out to our highest potential by taking risks consistent with ethos and purpose. I’ve been there, standing on an uncomfortable ledge.

An authentic journey does not always come from blasting through rocks and impediments, rather from having faith and adaptability to cope with harsh realities of life.

I learned it’s important to avoid people who bring us down, waste our time, take us backward, and have no interest in our suffering. The people we surround ourselves with make the difference between failure and success. Don’t think twice about cutting out from your life toxic people because they will never see your value.

Resilient people are identified as complicated individuals because we think out of the box because we analyze every option, every strategy. But, news flash, all we want and crave is a better world with more justice and a sacred place where we call home, our sweet home.

The experience of writing about my emotions is what helped me to succeed never forget my value, and the value of life.

To all my readers, I wish you a wonderful week.

With love,

Alexandra

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What Attachment Style Has To Say About The Way You Have Sex?

© 2019 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved

Sexual satisfaction for both the anxiously attached and the avoidant is constricted; the anxious partner is preoccupied with being loved, and the avoidant partner is determined to stay detached….The most satisfying and orgasmic sex, what I call ‘synchrony sex,‘ occurs when partners are securely attached.

A secure bond is characterized by emotional openness and responsiveness in the bedroom as well as out. That leads to better communication and engaged, focused attention, which in turn leads to greater arousal, pleasure, and satisfaction….Think about it. If you trust that your partner is there for you, then you can relax and let go without fear of embarrassment or rejection. Safety fosters a willingness to experiment, take risks, and be fully immersed in the sexual encounter. Sex becomes more spontaneous, passionate, and joyful.”

One of the reasons we pair up is to have a safe zone that protects us and gives us peace to relax. In today’s article, I will write about how attachment styles impact our sex lives and what we can do about it. Knowing your attachment style can change the dynamic of your relationship and even with yourself. So don’t blame yourself, instead learn and improve.

Adult attachment style refers to individual personality traits that strongly influence emotional bonds and reactions to social partners. Behavioral research has shown that adult attachment style reflects profound differences in sensitivity to social signals of support or conflict.

As I wrote in this article, attachment style can be divided in three categories:

  1. Secure
  2. Anxious
  3. Avoidant: Avoidant Dismissive and Avoidant Fearful

Anxious and Avoidant people constitute 45 percent of the dating scene, so it’s common you end up having an intimate relationship with these people. Is it a good or bad thing? It depends on the circumstances, how much aware are you of your emotions, and at least if they’re willing to work on their attachment style and become secure.

Traits of avoidant attachment style in relationships:

  1. Uncomfortable sharing feelings
  2. Can have social anxiety
  3. Charming during the early stages of relationship
  4. Being extremely flirtatious and overtly charming with others
  5. Flirting with others as a means of introducing insecurity into the relationship
  6. Pulling away when things go well
  7. Being absent-minded or daydreaming when with partner
  8. Keeping secrets
  9. Avoiding physical closeness
  10. Withholding, avoiding and rejecting sex with their partner, use masturbation as escape of intimacy.
  11. Wants partner when apart but craves distance when together
  12. Minimizes closeness and partner feelings
  13. Sabotages emotional intimacy and connection
  14. Your partner may complain that you don’t seem to need him or her or that you’re not open enough
  15. You may become anxious because the possibility of closeness no longer threatens you
  16. Strong focus on themselves

Dr. John Sakaluk describes that avoidant individuals see their sexual partners as more threatening and therefore have a strong preference for practicing safe sex using condoms, while anxiously attached people use condoms less frequently. I can agree with it and disagree at the same time. Since the moment we are living in a period where people have sex with multiple partners and even casual sex, so sex with protection more than seeing a partner as a threat is healthy and required measure for your protection.

Traits of anxious attachment style in relationships:

  1. Low self-esteem
  2. They may hope their partner will “rescue” or “complete” them
  3. They may have trouble trusting their partner’s words, warmth, and affection
  4. Acting out emotionally
  5. When needs aren’t meet they will find it elsewhere and with another person
  6. Call or text frequently, even asked not to
  7. Not returning calls
  8. Hypervigilance and hypersensitivity to possible rejection
  9. Playing games
  10. Anxious people are also more anxious in the bedroom with their sexual partners.

For example, a man may be more or less secure, get married to one woman who has anxious attachment style, bring her up to a more secure level, but when they run into money trouble she falls back to her anxious level, cheats on him and then divorces him for all of his money, sending him into a tailspin of avoidance. He goes on to ignore intimacy and pump-and-dump women for the next 10 years, afraid to become intimate with any of them.

Both anxious and avoidant individuals crave intimacy and close relationships, but often feel trapped into one spiral of not being enough and a deep fear of being rejected. The fear of being rejected leads them to flirt and cheat on their partners. These erode actions will feed their inner voice that their partner never loved them, and so will leave.

For secure people, dating one avoidant or anxious partner can be extremely exhausting and bring them into one insecurity mode if they aren’t careful.

Traits of secure attachment style in relationships:

  1. Warmth and loving
  2. Able to be intimate
  3. Don’t play games
  4. Consistency
  5. Assertively share their thoughts
  6. Transparent and available
  7. Capable to develop deep levels of intimacy
  8. Respond well to bids of connection
  9. Attentive to their partner’s needs
  10. Capacity to accept rejection and moving on despite the pain
  11. Being loyal and able to sacrifice when necessary
  12. Able to correctly prioritize their relationships within their life
  13. Sex is part of intimacy, the more the better

If you recognize in your partner traits of avoidant or anxious type, don’t blame them and in a calm way explain how their actions make you feel.

If your partner is avoidant:

  1. Don’t chase them
  2. Don’t take things personally when they push you away
  3. Remember that he or she is acting based on deep abandonment fears
  4. Help to name their feelings, name to tame it
  5. When they withhold, reject or avoid sex with you, address the issue within the relationship, and ask if he or she would be more willing to making out instead of intercourse.
  6. Let him or her know what are your boundaries

If your partner is anxious:

  1. Reassure him or her about your love
  2. Give your undivided attention
  3. Help your partner to become more secure just talking about feelings
  4. Hug and allow physical closeness
  5. Create space and time to develop intimacy
  6. Learn her or his language of love

With this article I’m not saying you should tolerate toxic or abusive relationships, what I’m saying is instead of leaving existing relationships and not addressing your attachment issue and recreate a very similar situation with the next partner, address the disconnection you create through often unconscious ways of thinking and behaving.

Sex is a life pleasure that we share with someone we love.

The more we know about each other, the more we can connect.

From personal experience, if you are a secure partner you can get along with one avoidant or anxious partner, helping them to heal their internal wounds, showing that love is safe and not, a threat. Teaching that sex is a vital part of one relationship, part of attraction and love towards another person.

To finalize I would like to advice there will be ups and downs, move forward and backward, but in the end, you will have a reward. You are your partner will experience real love.

If you can’t deal with the situation, it has nothing to do with you. You tried to give your love to someone who is guarded to love, be proud of it.

Love and sex together has the power to change your life and make you feel happier.

Want to improve your sex life? Try this:

  1. Educate yourself
  2. Give yourself time
  3. Use lubrification
  4. Maintain physical affection
  5. Practice touching
  6. Try different positions
  7. Write down your fantasies
  8. Do kegel exercises
  9. Try to relax by doing something together before having sex
  10. Use a vibrator
  11. Don’t give up

Take a look at these links for more information:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/experimentations/201711/how-attachment-style-affects-sexual-desire-and-satisfaction

http://repositorio.ispa.pt/handle/10400.12/3397

https://www.psypost.org/2019/02/attachment-anxiety-linked-to-a-steep-decline-in-mens-sexual-desire-during-the-honeymoon-phase-53138

https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/ejsp.2567

Don’t fuck up your relationship 😉

With love,

Alexandra Santos

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Bubble Couple For a Successful Relationship

© 2019 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved

The difference between a healthy and toxic relationship is how partners intentionally choose to work with each other’s triggers and vulnerabilities, and this is the motto of this article.

Anytime a committed couple faces a crisis, whether from inside or outside the relationship, they move automatically toward strengthening their bond. They expect that there will always be threats to their connection, and that love can always weaken under continued onslaughts. These are the times when they make their relationship their highest priority and find reasons to be grateful for what they have.

When outside influences undermine their faith in the relationship, they talk openly about those vulnerabilities. Their honest and intimate capability to communicate allows them to talk about virtual outcomes without their having to live through them, and to revitalize their relationship if the threats take hold.

We crave successful and healthy romantic relationships, or at least that’s the thing we consciously need and want. In this particular article, I will share with you one story, because more than psychological terms, we need real events to understand how we can damage our relationships if we aren’t careful.

A few days ago a man, whom I know, texted me on Facebook messenger because I posted a picture of my partner wearing the Sporting Lisbon Club shirt. Not really surprisingly, the conversation went to one sphere that most of you, perhaps, had faced before.
Seemingly harmless conversations to understand how strong the bond with your partner is, and if there is any chance to erode.

Conversation:

Man: Sporting shirt?!

Me: Yes, a Lion is a Lion.

Man: I thought you had found a good man, but it doesn’t seem that. In bed, he should be a lion and protect you, outside better find another club.

Me: He is a lion inside and outside the bed, Portuguese men don’t satisfy me, and are intellectual repulsive for that reason my actual partner is a foreigner.

Man: I’m sure he is a lion, and glad he is! You deserve the best Alexandra I was trying to make a joke about the club.

I believe someone insecure or unhappy with the relationship would take the sex thing and lead this conversation into flirting terms, and what more, only “god” knows.
Days before this episode, my partner faced something similar where it was shown to him a conversation between girls talking about how cute he is but unfortunately has a girlfriend. At least, I have to thank my partner for his honesty and share with me the situation.

In Emotional Intelligence terms, we can identify the following questions:

  1. What is the propose of sharing “bullshit” and trying conversations with sexual connotations, knowing you are in one relationship?
  2. How do they deal with emotional pressure and demands in one relationship?
  3. Are these people aware of the implications and consequences of their “inoffensive” acts towards other’s relationships?
  4. Do they have the ability to use other’s shoes and feel what they might feel?
  5. In this “fucking” social media fake era, is everything allowed?
  6. Can we trust these people?
  7. What is the real meaning of friendship?
  8. How should the couple react? What strategies should be applied?

Let’s be clear those situations have a subtle touch of naughtiness and debauchery. It’s like throwing clay at the wall to see if there are vulnerabilities between the couple, erode trust and in the future replace partner emotional support.

Wyndol Furman, Ph.D. is clear: “don’t commit to a relationship unless you and your partner had experienced a difficult time and has found in each other, helpful support.”

Being in a relationship is using insight about each other’s vulnerabilities, and insecurities as a way to protect us in private and public places.

One of the reasons we pair up is to have a safe zone that protects us and gives us peace to relax. Sadly, partners in a committed relationship often fail to see each other as allies against the attacker’s life throws at them; work, stress, or intruders trying to seduce them. The truth is holding off committing to your partner to protect yourself only blocks yourself. The relationship is a synonym of Interdependence not of Independence.

True security in a relationship requires interdependence.

Interdependence is the ability to depend on your partner while also being able to stand on your own feet. To take the responsibility for your part of the relationship.

Emotionally unavailable people don’t like hearing what their partner thinks about or feels if it’s not what they want to hear.

To love isn’t only want, is understand.

In attachment world, we evaluate how well partners offer each other a safe haven – a place of emotional and physical refuge – when one of them is hurt, and a secure base from which they can go explore the world with curiosity knowing that they have a person who is cheering them on and will be there if needed.

Making time to give and ask for support is a key way in which you can show your partner that you care for them, understand what they’re going through, and have their back. How we provide that support and what we say is crucial. 

Not keeping secrets is a vulnerable place, but it is the only place that allows you to invest in the relationship and get the returns you deeply need.

To conclude,

We can’t underestimate the importance of one stable social circle beyond your intimate relationship, but a real friendship never adopts behaviors that can threaten your relationship. A real friend will ask how is your partner, will be happy because you are happy. Will respect you and never tease you with images or conversations that, deep inside, they know it’s wrong to share or have.

Respect.

A relationship between committed partners is like The Three Musketeers. The symbolic triangle of long-lasting love is made up of each individual partner and the synergistic creation you think of as the relationship between them. That means that each part of the triad supports the other two.

This devotion is neither blind nor automatic. The partners in an honest, up-to-date relationship know that either voice is a representative of the other and each partner strives to speak accurately and authentically for what the other wants and needs. When either partner or the relationship, itself, is threatened in any way, the unit becomes stronger.

These couples grow closer when their relationship is challenged by outside influences. They trust each other’s truths first and are not led astray by other’s negative stories. Their intention is to become more as one, to create a union grown stronger by loyalty and support. That means that any outside influences that pull one partner away from the other are challenged by both. 

Do you know the song I’ll stand by you, from The Pretenders?

Oh, why you look so sad, the tears are in your eyes,
Come on and come to me now, and don’t be ashamed to cry,
Let me see you through, ‘cause I’ve seen the dark side too.
When the night falls on you, you don’t know what to do,
Nothing you confess could make me love you less

It represents what love and a relationship should be, your HOME!

With almost 35 years old I would have so much to say, but with this article, I want to wish you well, and please don’t engage in things that you will regret later and hurt others.

“People may know what a healthy romantic relationship looks like, but most don’t know how to get one. Psychologist and researcher Joanne Davila describes how you can create the things that lead to healthy relationships and reduce the things that lead to unhealthy ones using three evidence-based skills – insight, mutuality, and emotion regulation. Share this with everyone who wants to have a healthy relationship.”


With love,

Alexandra Santos

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The Morality of Transsexuality: Who Are You, The Endless Internal Conflict?

For today’s article, I decided to write about gender dysphoria or, at least, make it simple to understand what is the real root of this pathology. It seems to me, as human beings, we tend to complicate what is simple to understand by engaging in non-stop arguments that add nothing to the real issue.

To start, let’s take a close look at the definition of transsexuality, Gender dysphoria: “Formerly known as gender identity disorder in the fourth version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM is defined by strong, persistent feelings of identification with another gender and discomfort with one’s own assigned gender and sex; in order to qualify for a diagnosis of gender dysphoria, these feelings must cause significant distress or impairment.”

Now, you may ask, why I crossed out the word transsexuality?

What means the word trans? A prefix with origin from latin, with the meanings of “across”, “beyond”, through, in combination with elements of any origin.

Now, let’s look with attention the word transsexuality, does it mean something beyond sexual or something that transcends sexuality? Because if we add trans with sexuality, it is what it means. So if you are following my reasoning, we are talking about UFO.

There aren’t transexual or transgender people, either non-binary or whatever you want to call. You have women and men, yes WOMEN and MEN, that because of hormonal mutation during pregnancy, their brain morphology is one gender but their genitalia, will be another one.
Later, with the age of 2 – 4, they will start to experience discomfort and reject their bodies.

The image explains that Transgender women have the same brain structures as cisgender women. Two sexually dimorphic (differing between men and women) areas of the brain are often compared between men and women. The bed nucleus of the stria terminals (BSTc) and sexually dimorphic nucleus of transgender women are similar to those of cisgender women, suggesting that the general brain structure of these women is in keeping with their gender identity.

Recently, in Portugal, we are facing a new drama when the government decided to implement at schools a bathroom for kids and teenagers with gender dysphoria. As you must believe, many are the voices that disagree with the measure, and I don’t agree too. I don’t agree with it because of what we are doing is a perpetuation of this problem. We are not telling people the truth about gender dysphoria or even educating our society. We create with these measures more discomfort, as we feed more discrimination, and allow people to die.

Today I saw one article about Chloe Anderson, a volleyball player, on the Olympic Channel Facebook page, and there were so much anger and discrimination in the commentaries. As a future mother, if someone would call my son or daughter a freak or transexual, I would cut their heads. There is no reason for this disrespect, actually, with all the information we have, we should be more aware, and help.

We have the moral duty to help and protect these people, as a society, as parents or future parents the duty to create a safe environment, where our children and future adults can grow up, have a healthy life emotionally and psychically.

As professional educator I’m against discrimination and all these new definitions that LGBT’S and organs use to categorize people. It’s ridiculous.

We are killing people everyday!

Henry James said: “Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind.

Pediatric endocrinologist Dr. Mark Daniels explains how to identify and understand gender dysphoria (formerly called gender disorder) in children and teens.

With love,

Alexandra

Links that you might like:

https://www.the-scientist.com/features/sex-differences-in-the-brain-34758

https://www.the-scientist.com/features/are-the-brains-of-transgender-people-different-from-those-of-cisgender-people-30027

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Body Worship and The Harmful Effects Of Testosterone Usage

Recently, we were confronted in Portugal with one mediatic case of abuse and non-prescription usage of testosterone, for aesthetic purposes.
As we all should know, hormones are responsible for our physical and emotional well being. For that reason, after 35 years old it’s important to check out the values of our principal hormones, and in some cases, if needed, subscribe hormonal therapy as a solution to restore our health. But only one doctor can decide that.

Recently studies have shown our endocrine system starts his aging process around the 27 age, and the tendency will be towards earlier due to the modern lifestyle, food preferences, abuse of alcohol, and recreative drugs.

The need for the perfect body and symmetry leads many men and women to one path that often has no return, and with irreversible health implications.

Actor’s Angelo Rodrigues’ urgent hospitalization due to the continued use of testosterone to gain muscle mass only demonstrated the reality behind the scenes in gyms, but also the obsession with being a Greek God.

Testosterone is the main male sex hormone. It is responsible for male sexuality and is the main hormone-producing the features associated with masculinity such as substantial muscle mass, facial hair, libido, and sperm production. Besides, the hormone has other vital functions as the basic chemical composition of testosterone is steroidal; and steroids are known to have significant physiological, as well as psychological, effects in male individuals, especially adults. Testosterone production is reduced gradually in men starting from the age of 30. Men may experience a number of physiological and psychological events, such as a lack of sex-drive, erectile dysfunction, acute depression, fatigue, low energy levels, and insomnia. At the age of 50, for men, there will be a reduction of 30% of testosterone levels.

What are the harmful effects of testosterone usage?

  • Hair loss;
  • Heart and kidney disease;
  • High blood pressure;
  • Gynecomastia;
  • Risk of viral or bacterial infections;
  • Azoospermia;
  • Alterations in Cholesterol and other blood lipids;
  • Altered mood, irritability, increased aggression.

The use of steroids can be addictive as botox usage, so be aware of what you are doing with your life and health because to love, or to have a partner you don’t need a perfect body, you need to be healthy. Physically and emotionally.

If you notice it’s hard for you to grow your muscles or if you can identify some of the symptoms of having low testosterone levels (hot flashes, decrease in energy levels, increase in body fat, lowered sex drive, difficulty sleeping) seek for professional help with a endocrinologist, not your personal trainer.

Remember to live a real life, not a magazine life.

With love,

Alexandra

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Don’t Let MRHK “MURDER” The Woman You Are

© 2019 Alexandra Maria Santos.  All rights reserved.

“Mayer-Rokitansky-Küster-Hauser syndrome (MRKH) is a devastating diagnosis for a young woman to receive, carrying with considerable medical, psychological, social, and reproductive implications. The syndrome is characterized by vaginal agenesis and typically is accompanied by cervical and uterine agenesis. Several variants exist, with 7% to 10% of patients exhibiting either an obstructed uterus or obstructed rudimentary uterine horns with functional endometrium”

For today’s article, I want to ask do you know what is MRKH, or in other words, Mayer-Rokitansky-Kuster-Hauser syndrome? I believe many of you never heard this name or even know about this condition that affects 1 in 5000 women.
A few weeks ago I saw in Portuguese television one interview with two women who suffered from this syndrome. Did I like what I saw? No! The reason why you may wonder. The reason is simple because I don’t understand why television uses these circumstances to victimize people and even play a big drama around.

Media or social communication plays an important role when the subject is to educate society but fails roundly in this aspect by using serious and sensitive themes that involve health issues to gain audiences.

Unfortunately, the Rokitansky syndrome seen as something terrible can lead some women to suicide. Twenty years ago or more, the medical community didn’t have the information and the sensibility necessary to deal with this condition.
With no filters or conscience, some doctors would say to these women they would never become a mother or have a successful romantic life. You may see the impact this information would have on the self-esteem and dreams of these women.
In our days, and we are in the twenty-one century, we can see some progression, but these women still have a lack of support or voice.

To explain Rokitansky syndrome, it has two types. The type one only affects the reproductive system, vagina channel length, an undeveloped uterus, but still, have functional ovaries.
Type two is considered the most severe, patients experience abnormalities in other parts of the body like the kidneys may be abnormally formed or positioned, hearing loss or heart disease.

The lack of information and support over the years led many teenagers to depression, suicide, and even the feeling of unworthy to love and have a healthy life. With this being said the real issue his how society deal and cope with “abnormal” diseases because of despite the fact of existent literature, you can’t find much information about how to become a mother if you have Rokitansky syndrome. And yes, this is a real problem.

Despite your syndrome, you can be a mother and have relationships. Fortunately, science offers us many options to have a biological baby, like IFV treatments, and let me tell you stupid is the man who doesn’t want to be with you because you had a problem that was out of your hands to control.

I’m sorry, Rokitansky doesn’t define you as a woman. You are so much more than a name or a health issue.

What people don’t realize and should, is these kinds of diseases, which are treatable, give a psychological and resilience background to these women that only a few have or even will understand. We become human beings when we face majors problems and situations to test our limits.

Don’t accept being treated like a poor thing.

Treat yourself with respect and see all this situation as something that gives you power, the power to live your life with no chains or objections.

UQ Institute for Molecular Bioscience researchers, The University of Queensland, Australia, are working to identify the genetic links associated with developing MRKH.

Like I said in prior articles, we should educate our society.

Where is the point in Tv Show ask intimate questions? Does it help anyone? If people understood how the human brain works, they would see that what you focus, increase. For this reason, television can be dangerous and give the wrong information.

To help yourself and help people in this situation seek professional advice and be sure you have emotional support and stable foundations at home. Remember, you are beautiful and a warrior.

Some links you might like to read about MRKH:

https://ojrd.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/1750-1172-2-13

https://www.hindawi.com/journals/isrn/2013/628717/

https://www.beautifulyoumrkh.org

With love,

Alexandra

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Share Your Deep Feelings Before it’s Too Late.

In today’s article I would love to share with you a Portuguese Valentine’s day video made a long time ago. It talks about the importance of letting people know how much we love and care about them, before it’s too late.

The following text is the video translation:

Só de mim is a story about someone who had everything, but only knew when it was too late.

You don’t know who I am, but I know who you are… and I just need a minute of your attention.

I want to tell you that I hope you know how lucky you are. How much I would like to be in your shoes. To be able to be in the same bed as her every morning. To help her waking up from the bad mood.

I hope you know she’s only going to talk with you after she brushes her teeth. It’s not on purpose… she’s just afraid of losing her charm in your eyes. Afraid that you’ll consider her a common human being.

I hope you know that she likes to enjoy every sunbeam, and that coffee makes her sick.

That she chooses what she’s going to wear on the night before, just to have five more minutes of sleep in the morning. That the alarm clock rings fifty times until she gets up, and that, even so, she manages to arrive on time.

I also want you to know that she loves fantastic tales, but not Horror stories! That she might know all the names of an old book’s characters, but that she isn’t going to try hard to immediately know all your friends’ names…

Because she… she owns herself.

She’s not the one who is lucky to have you. You are the lucky one, to have her in your life. You know…

She’s not a romantic by nature, but a spontaneous gesture from you will make her weaken.

Because she’s safe and sweet at the same time.

She can’t cook, but she’ll try hard to prepare your favourite dish. And if it doesn’t come out right, she’ll laugh at her failure, instead of blushing.

And when she laughs… it makes me want to cry. Not in sadness, but because each laugh is like a musical note that touches my heart and makes me want to dance.

I hope that you stop doing what you like to do, and that sometimes you have time to hear her talk about her day and every single achievement. That you put up with her artistic daydreams and the time she wastes colouring children’s books when she wants some time for herself.

I want you to know that I would love to be on that side, putting up with her bad mood and seeing it change after the first glass of wine. I wanted to be able to admire her nails that most of the times have peeling nail polish than perfect nail polish… but that every imperfect red shape has a story that she built with her own hands.

I wish I had fallen in love with her on the first day I saw her, and not on the second one. Because each day with her is to be sure that you are loved. Because she’s seduction and joy altogether. Because she gets what she wants with the power of her smile and the strength of her look. I’d be a fool if I didn’t know she has brown eyes and that she loves the colour green. I want you to know that she’s all I want and never knew I had.

Learn that the arrhythmia you feel with her is normal! And that the lack of it is like an emptiness worse than death.

I hope you’ll be everything I never was.

I hope you treat her right.

Because if you break her heart you’ll lose her forever.

I wish I could have read the future…

Text: Ana Luisa Bairos, Joana Pacheco
Actor: Diogo Lopes

And you? Will you read the future or live the present and built a future with who you love?

With love,

p.s: A big Thanks and Welcome to my new readers and followers.

Alexandra

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Betrayal: The Psychological Anxiety Effects, Behind The Scenes

“Betrayal delivers a unique, emotionally violent blow to the body, heart and mind.  An unthinkable blow that can only come from someone with whom we share deep bonds. Trauma happens when we can no longer bear reality.  It signals to the brain that our life is under threat. The life being threatened when we are betrayed is the life of the soul.” – Sandra Lee Dennis, PhD

In today’s article will bring up to the table the word that we all fear, but in some way we have had experienced in our lives: Betrayal.
As heavy as it can be if you search all over the web, you can find all the information about Betrayal but are very rare the scientific articles that provide substantial information about the impact, and consequences of this dysfunctional behavior. It’s urgent to talk about openly to our community about this issue, and even provide the right tools to help our loved ones to overcome the situation.

We are taught that to be truly happy we need to learn how to trust. And, sometimes, reluctantly, we let down our guard in hopes that we finally can trust. To an intimate relationship develops organically, we need to delegate our trust in another, in our partners. We have to make ourselves vulnerable. We have to believe this person accepts us unconditionally and is devoted to us in good and bad times. To be more specific, and help you understand the power of bond attachment, the presence of our intimate partner affects blood pressure and stress hormones, positively. With this said, and besides the fact that betrayal is the disrespect for core human needs and desire when you experience it, you experience death. Literally!

One of the consequences of betrayal is the development of PTSD (Post-traumatic Stress Disorder), symptoms:

  • Flashbacks, or reliving the traumatic event or feeling like is happening in the present moment
  • Increased heart rate
  • release of adrenaline
  • shaking, sweating
  • Trouble sleeping
  • Angry outbursts
  • Feeling panic, fear or worry
  • Being on alert for signs of the trauma occurring again
  • Being triggered by things that remind you of the traumatic event
  • Anxiety.
© 2019 Patrick Hancock.  All rights reserved.

Eighty percent of suicides, in Australia, are committed by men, and we should be aware this happens because men are less inclined to communicate feelings about adverse life events. 

The principal causes for suicide among Aussie men population are:

  • relationship breakdown after infidelity episodes (“Kolves, Ide and De Leo (2011) studied the suicidal behavior of men who had experienced the breakdown of a marriage or de facto relationship and showed that both trait shame (pervasive, long-term feelings) and state shame (feelings related to an event) predicted suicidal behavior.”
  • Unhelpful conceptions of masculinity
  • Abuse of alcohol and other substances

The numbers are scary but seem most of us still don’t care and even continue doing the same or even worse. As we must recognize when faced with a threatening situation, our thalamus, which receives incoming stimuli, send signals to both the amygdala and the cortex. If your amygdala senses danger begins the fight-or-flight response before the cortex has time to overrule it. With the amygdala triggered occur an intense unconscious emotional response that shuts off the cortex, making it hard you to think and concentrate. This process is called the amygdala hijack.

Betrayal can happen in many forms, like:

  • Disrespecting or criticizing your partner in front of other people
  • Having one emotional affair
  • Micro-cheating (Micro-cheating is a series of seemingly small actions that indicate a person is emotionally or physically focused on someone outside their relationship, be aware that you might be engaging in micro-cheating if you share private jokes or specific emojis, if you downplay the seriousness of your relationship to another guy or girl. Having private conversations or online chats and quickly shuts down when your partner enters the room. Consistently texting someone without your partner knowing. The problem with micro-cheating is that most people don’t even realize they’re doing it. – Melanie Schilling, PhD)
  • Divulging private information about your partner without their consent
  • Prioritizing work, a hobby or another passion above your relationship
  • Complaining about your partner and the relationship to someone you’re attracted to
  • Dealing with deceitful people in business matters
  • Being around with friends who have had affairs can lead you to have one affair
  • Have a parent who betrayed and acted like nothing happen, living the happy life after is another serious form of betrayal

Remember, because someone betrayed in the past doesn’t mean it will happen again. Most importantly, if you are in a new relationship, please share with your partner how you feel and what contributes to your amygdala hijack don’t feel shame, be upfront. He or she might not understand in the beginning and might even be quite defensive, but these steps can help both of you to set up new rules and what is appropriate:

  • Name your emotions as you experience them
  • Write what triggered your emotions? A particular person or situation?
  • What emotions did you feel?
  • What were you thinking at the time?
  • How realistic were those thoughts? Were they realistic given the situation?
  • Was there another way to view the situation?
  • What would you like your partner to do to make you feel safe?
  • Take a timeout
  • Deep breath from your abdomen
  • Remember, you aren’t a victim, and you deserve happiness.

After write all the things you want and feel, give it to your partner and let him or her read and think about.

For partners of people betrayed in the past, this is my advice:

Don’t take personally the angry outbursts that your loved one might feel and express towards you. Listen with attention to the information and feelings they might share with you, part of the healing process is the capacity to be vulnerable and trust again.
If there is a situation or someone, in particular, that is triggering the fight-or-flight responses in your partner have compassion.

See how you contribute to the situation and take the right actions to preserve the integrity of your relationship and the well being of your lover. Avoid saying your partner is crazy or seeing things. Don’t withdraw from your partner because they are in real pain, be together as a team.

Unfortunately, the way he or she might feel isn’t about jealousy, envy manipulation or control. It is the survival mode in action and giving directions to build protection against the threatening situation.

After all, I think it’s time for us to wake up and start to face the mistakes we do almost every day. How we neglect our relationships and the ones we love. It doesn’t matter, if you are close or apart geographically, what matters is how you preserve your integrity and the integrity of your relationship.

Love means protection, and your relationship should be a heaven bubble where both feel safe and at home.

I end my article, with an attention call, especially for the professional health community to be aware of the devastating impact of the loss of the loved ones. Don’t let typical ideas, and stereotypes, blind you from reality, use your health skills to help and save lives.

Teach people to love and how to maintain healthy relationships. We are human beings, not isolated Islands.

Micro- Cheating: https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/relationships/news/a47645/what-is-micro-cheating/

The Impact of Betrayal Trauma on the Tendency to trust: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/274867322_The_Impact_of_Betrayal_Trauma_on_the_Tendency_to_Trust

With love,

Alexandra

Ouso Escrever is now part of the top 75 Relationship blogs on the web.

https://blog.feedspot.com/relationship_blogs/

Thank you!

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International Orgasm Day: Hitting the P-spot

“Good sex is like good bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” 
― Mae West

Today, we celebrate the international orgasm day, and I think it’s appropriate to say the more we talk about sex, the more it became a taboo. Why? We still have the wrong idea about sex. Most of us think sex is all about inserted a penis inside a vagina.
Sadly, we forget the power of foreplay and the fact that our bodies have more than one g-spot to enhance pleasure.

The liberalization of pornography, the sexual revolution itself, and so many other forms of social movements that occur between the ’60s until the ’80s should have given us the right perspective about human relationships. How to explore our bodies and what is the real meaning of eros. But they didn’t.

Fifty years after the second-wave feminism, why we keep talking about women can’t achieve orgasm? Why do we keep facing sexual problems and dilemmas inside our relationships?
More importantly, why do we demand so much from our male partners when it comes to sex? Shall we have to be goddesses and gods of sex? Porn stars?

Do we know the importance of oral sex? Do we know how to do it properly?

Clitoris has 8 thousand nervous terminals, double of the glans penis, and its the first trigger to provoke intense arousal in women. But, should I ask you, lick the glans penis is the only way to give, intense, pleasure to our men?

Going directly to the subject of my article: what is the P-spot?

As we have a G-spot, our male partners have a P-spot that with the right stimulation can give them multiple and intense orgasms. But, as I said before, many things related to sex are still a taboo in the XXI century. Pleasuring one man stimulating his perineum, or his nipples, are forbidden areas to explore. The P-spot is his perineum area, that area between the anus and scrotum, earned the credit of being an erogenous zone.

To administer a male perineum massage, you have to be sure your partner wants and feels comfortable with that. Some men enjoy the feeling of having their perineum licked and teased with a tongue or fingers, but others might feel shame and associate this technique as a gay thing.
Keep in mind, the importance of open communication lines with your partner, and look at their eyes to notice discomfort or pleasure. Remember, this technique is another way to spice your relationship but also to reinforce the bond you have with him or her. Yes, women love to have stimulation on the perineum too.

Every person’s nervous system is different. Some people may be able to have a perineum orgasm from perineum stimulation alone, others with the association of perineum stimulation and oral sex. The insert of one finger or a sex toy in the anus to reach the prostate gland are allowed too. Everything is fair between four walls and, at least, you will reach your “nirvana climax” like you never had before.

As partners, as women, and as men we forget the importance of erotic moments in our relationships consumed by daily life routines, some studies have shown men are less willing to share their sexiest fantasies with their partners, than women with this said it’s important to refer that sharing secrets fosters intimacy. Talk about sex and want we want in bed leads us to a more satisfying sex life.

Are your sexual fantasies, dirty? No, they are normal and healthy.

In today’s article, I wanted and still, want you to think about what is fair in sexual matters? What would you like to say or ask your partner? I invite you to look for more information about the P-spot, yes, men need our attention too and, don’t think because you like the sensation of having a massage on your perineum, or your ass, you are gay. Men and women should be free to experience whatever they want inside their bedroom. It’s all about trust and love.

With love,

Alexandra

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Why People Cheat? With Esther Perel

In today’s article, I’m sharing a podcast interview between Tony Robins and Esther Perel.

I invite you to take a listening with attention because many things as, our attachment styles, influence the way we behave in our relationships.

Ask yourself:

  • When was the last time you broke the rules?
  • When was the last time you had a place just for being a lover?
  • When was the last time you had novelty and erotic pleasure?
  • Can you show to your partner all the parts of yourself?
  • Did you forget how to make love with your clothes on?

With love,

Alexandra

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Women who Farm: How to Date a Wild Rose?

“Love no matter what and commit to absolute truth. Be present for your lover even during the most painful situations. Don’t just be physically present, be fully present–giving your lover your undivided focus.” – Tony Robbins

I believe, as a human being, we all search for a long-lasting healthy relationship, and this is even truer when it comes to farming or other professions with high levels of stress and risk for your mental and physical well being. As a farmer and a woman, I can tell you, you face the uncertainty and the emotional roller coaster as a lesson.

The exercise of discipline, the discipline of nurturing your intimate relationships as you feed your fields with proper fertilization. For your plants grow healthy and produce what you need, you have to provide them, water and fertilization according to the vegetative cycle.

In the sunflower case, with 5 leaves, we apply nitrogen to gain size and start the chapter formation. Boron is useful and should be applied, for example, when the chapter or the leaves aren’t well-formed. From the leaves’ length, you can predict your production.

When it comes to relationships, it happens the same. You need to give time and nurture, give the proper amount of love and attention. Give yourself and give freedom to your lover. Times of scarcity or emotional pain are the biggest challenges we face almost every day in farming matters, so nuclear support and benign love, are essential to support us.

How is to date a Farm Woman:

  • You will understand the real core human needs;
  • You will understand the power of trust and faith;
  • Challenges are her middle name;
  • She is a real survivor;
  • There are two women in one: The business woman and the Diva;
  • Love and commitment are golden rules for a healthy/happy life;
  • She will be by your side, no matter what, because she knows and felt how is feeling of being alone;
  • Loving a farmer is like drink Bourbon. The first drink is harsh and bitter, but with time it will be smooth and warm;
  • There is no false illusions, but she still have the capacity to purely dream;
  • Consistency, even during emotional and professional turmoils times;

Fatigue is very prominent among farmers and is about much more than the simple need for good sleep. It can lead to constant exhaustion and a feeling of emptiness.

Being a farmer isn’t a fairytale either a bed of roses, but as you might understand the contact with this natural reality bring us a sense of responsibility that is very rare in the period we are living. Run a farm is one commitment you assume for yourself and mother earth. If you fail, everything falls.

I drove a tractor with nine years old for the first time. I started to run the farm with twenty-six and has been so many up’s and down’s, that I can tell you it just gave me the strength to keep going, it made me tougher. So, when it comes to love, I just wanted to have by my side a man that could understand my roots and motivations.
Someone, to call my man, my home sweet home, the place where I can rest from life’s battles and start a family.

I have that man, luckily a nurse, that I felt since the first time I saw him, he would be my lifetime partner.

Where focus goes, energy flows.

When you travel the swerving, obstacle road be firm about what you want and get clear about your goals. The more aligned you have your expectations with your partner the more you will celebrate your differences and enrich your life together.

All the relationships we built has a propose. Mine is to be loved and give love. Mix genes with a man who is loyal to his heart, and has his feet on the earth. Be the example of dignity and respect, after all.

What about you? Willing to date a farmer?

With love,

Alexandra

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The Dating process, The Mating process: Finding the Right Mirror to Reflect Your Real Beauty

“Your Flaws are perfect for the heart that is meant to love you”

There are a million cracked mirrors in the world that we can look at, and think we are ugly. When it comes to dating, the real dating, we are looking for someone a real mate that can stand next to us and help us to shine more brighter. I don’t understand, completely, the new dating world because I’m old fashion in these matters, and because I believe we all need a real love in our lives. Love can push us from our comfort zone and help us to identify our true selves.

Don’t we forget the real propose of dating? Don’t we take people usually for granted? Don’t we forget, often, to say to our partners how much we love them? Don’t we forget to wake up in the morning and be thankful that we have someone somewhere in the world that loves us for who we are?

While dating how much we laugh? How much we stay in the present moment and feel freedom to be ourselves? Do we recognize our partner as the mirror we need to envolve into our best selves? Can we be just “a child” with them?

The innocence attached to dating is gone, sadly. If you search on the web, you can find various articles, videos and, even schools where they teach men and women how to play emotional games. At the end of the line, everyone is hurting each other and hurting themselves.

No one is telling or educating you for the fact that you need to be seen by your partner that you need to feel their love and somehow their empowerment. No one is telling that you should stop doing the wrong things that keep kept away from receive the love you deserve. No one is telling you that you should reconfigure your participation in your relationship. As chic or poetry as it may sound the truth is the way we respond to our relationship dynamics can change the whole process of dating.

Give it a fighting chance. Give and allow yourself to have a fighting chance to be, really, happy.

Do you need to chase man? No! Does a man need to chase you? No! You just need to know how to “dance”.

Stop doing the wrong thing, means:

  • Stop giving the excuse that you don’t have time;
  • Replacing the “You did” for “I feel”;
  • Say “I’m sorry”;
  • Don’t be afraid to be bold;
  • Not be upfront about your goals (someone who has the same goal as you won’t be scare);
  • Not stating what you want because it’s the first date (telling what you want doesn’t mean you will drag the other person into your home and cage them);
  • Don’t play or accept the game hot and cold;
  • Don’t be a Peacock;
  • Don’t be a Q girl or a Q boy;
  • Don’t do the slow-fading (when you slowly wind down contact with the person you have been dating leaving longer between your replies)

The ability to love, the ability to be in a partnership is a mindset. You have been out there in the field knowing and acknowledging how is to be in a romantic relationship and so you know, you understand there will be down days and days that you will be mad at your partner. A partnership mindset allows us to be with someone in the highs and the lows.

If you see your partner confuse, please don’t do the typical reaction to their reactivity like asking your friends what’s going on. Don’t let assumptions assault your mind because, most of us, get tripped up by putting salt in our wounds thinking our partners are using us.

Remember, we all have our issues, and we want someone, but we are scared to disappoint that person. Sometimes we want to phone call our partners, but we don’t do it because we will look needy, or because we think they might not want us to call them. In the end of the line each one of you will make assumptions and feel disconnected from your partner.

Life and love are more than Black and White. There are so many gray layers that you should try to understand and learn how to decode.

The mirror that will reflect your real beauty is out there and like you have many flaws and many qualities, but you will love them because they aren’t scared of your true self.

With love,

Alexandra

Em destaque

When Her Emotional Tank Is Empty

Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts.” —Charles Dickens

The day to day life obligations, society demands, stress, lack of time, empathy, and affection leads many of us, women, to the emotional abyss. You may face moments where you find it hard to cope with difficulties, and demands, so all you want is a hug or something special to make you feel safe and loved.

During overwhelmed experiences, you might go through periods of disconnection from your partner and your relationship just because you aren’t at the same pace and not dealing with the same issues.

It’s normal. We all experience periods of connection and disconnection periods of more intimacy and less intimacy but, how we reconnect after disconnection is the key.

For this article, I used the Drº Gary Chapman, five languages of love profile, to find out mine and explain to you through my example of how it works.

Just remind you, the five languages of love are:

  • Words of Affirmation;
  • Acts of service;
  • Receiving Gifts;
  • Quality Time;
  • Physical Touch

After answer all the questions, this is my profile score (0-12):

  • Physical Touch – 11;
  • Words of Affirmation – 7;
  • Quality time – 6;
  • Acts of service – 5;
  • Receiving gifts – 1;

Unsurprisingly, physical touch is my primary inner love language, and I can explain one of the reasons why: when I was a baby my mother used to carry me next to her body all-day in one kangaroo baby bag. This close bond and affection were always present in my entire life, and so I apply the same dynamic or gestures into my intimate relationships.

It’s important for me to touch and being touch.

Gallant and Spence (2010) studies have shown that women who have received more hugs from their partners in the past have significantly lower blood pressure levels. Nonsexual physical affection can be one complement way to deal with severe stressful events.

People with physical touch love language display affectionate behavior in public, hold hands while walking, thoughtful touches because it does provide a sense of belonging.

What happens when your primary love language isn’t fulfilling:

  • You try to rescue your others love languages that are mean full for you;
  • You verbalize that you don’t feel loved or something is missing;
  • You start to feel that your partner doesn’t care about you and don’t understand your needs;
  • You withdraw (Which is terrible);
  • Your emotional tank will be empty, and you won’t be able to reciprocate his or her’s affection. At this point, your partner will tell you: “you have changed!”

Understand, this isn’t a simple math equation. It takes a lot of self-awareness and respect for your own and your partner’s needs. May be confused in the beginning, but relationships are this a constant life lesson in movement.

To hurt me is quite simple, push me away physically or verbally, and then the result will be Alexandra inside her shell.

The second love language words of affirmation have a positive impact on me when I have to face tough times. I can recognize the voice of my loved ones miles away, and for that reason, the worst punishment I can receive is the lack of verbal affection from who I love.

My third love language is quality time, and nothing upsets me more than being surrounded by people that are always distracted with something or not being present with me.

As you can see when we get hurt there are multiple reasons and most of them we don’t understand, or can explain.

With this said and because my blog is about love, I want to share one thing with you: When it comes to dating, I always had this idea that to have a successful relationship, you have to have focus.

I don’t believe in the lottery for relationships it can be risky and unfortunately leads to emotional pain. I love one quote I had read recently in one article, saying: “Some men are in love while others sweep streets.” Sweep streets mean, in dating terms, men who want to try every “flower” they see.

My last advice for you is, please find out who you are. Be sure of what you want, and don’t engage in emotional multitasking games because, at the end of the tunnel, you are the one who will get hurt. If you are in a relationship, do your best and be your best because life will thank you and when you look back, you won’t have regrets.

Understanding how you perceive love can help you to attain the results you want for life in general. Don’t be afraid to voice your needs, don’t be afraid to feel your inner self and don’t let others distort the way you see yourself as a human being.

Love is love. Love is respect.

My love for you,

Alexandra