It is impressive and enthralling how music can transport us to already experienced moments, how it can comfort us in painful moments such as a breakup or the loss of a loved one. Or to celebrate special events.
But, shall I ask, how often do we understand the message and lesson behind the lyric? What can a song teach about us, others, love, and relationships?
According to Gottman (2019), true commitment means
that you create a wall around you and your partner with an open window between you. This wall around the two of you separates you from others in terms of your deepest emotional and physical connections (…) Also, if we’re committed, we have given this person everything we have to offer. There’s nothing left over for another lover. That’s a risky decision, but it’s essential. Without this level of commitment, love will not last. (pp.40, 41)
The purpose of learning how and to say NO is the synonym of stopping yourself from putting the value of your life in the hands of people with doormat brains. Judgment doesn’t exist per se. Because someone who doesn’t know who or she is is incapable of judging others. Think about this when you are ruminating about what others think about you.
Even though this might sound like an advertising quote, for men or even women in the dating realm is important they stop making assumptions about somebody else behavior. Getting real about your needs and wantings within an intimate relationship is the first step or key to move forward in the direction you want to be. Because the truth is knowing core needs or the requirements to feel safe in a relationship or by yourself isn’t only attractive. It will work as a selective process between who deserves to stay in your life from who doesn’t.
“Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and conventional wisdom both suggest that love is a fundamental human need. Most people meet their significant others through their social circles or work/school functions. However, these pools can be relatively shallow. In the search for a potential date, more and more people are switching to less traditional methods.
The popularity of online dating is being driven by several things, but a major factor is time. Online dating presents an effective solution to a serious problem.
Browsing profiles isn’t nearly as time-consuming (or daunting) as mixing with people in a social context. Statistics suggest that about 1 in 5 relationships begin online nowadays. It’s estimated that by 2040, 70% of us will have met our significant other online.
The problem with a lot of online dating applications is that they don’t really work. Before you throw caution to the wind and empty your wallet into the pockets of an online app with the reckless abandon of a love-struck teenager, there are a few things you should know.”
“Technology gives us a sense of control over our lives; basically, we’re able to hold our world in the palm of our hand. Since social media initiated more quantitative measures of “friends,” “shares,” and “likes,” human connection has become increasingly mechanized. This creates a distance from the actual person with whom we are interacting and can make a relationship more transactional than if we had to speak face to face. We may not even recognize the effect our behaviors have on others.”
“When you go through a breakup, especially one that’s unexpected, your body may register it as an emergency and go into “fight-or-flight” mode. Being in this state triggers the release of hormones that can prepare your body to stay and deal with a threat or to run away to safety. It can also trigger a rapid heartbeat or trembling.
Our muscles tense, we lose our appetite, we may experience [gastrointestinal] disruption, and we’re likely to have trouble falling asleep. Being in this physically hyper-vigilant state over a period of time can lead to headaches, stomachaches, and muscle soreness”
“Many people worry about the dreaded first date. Dating is a universal stressor. This is because rejection comes with the territory. Fear of being rejected or even the fear of having to reject someone can be overwhelming. Mix in unpleasant past experiences and questionable self-esteem and you have a recipe for dating distress!”
“In today´s world, many partners live apart. Not just in different zip codes, but in different cities and time zones, sometimes in different parts of the world. Job opportunities, educational aspirations, and family responsibilities often separate couples for extended periods of time, relegating their communication to long distance methods of maintaining relational quality and intimacy. In fact, some couples have always lived apart. The prevalence of online dating offers access to a global pool of potential suitors, which can result in matches made in heaven geographically challenged on earth.”
“With few exceptions, human beings want to be emotionally and physically close to each other. Life seems better shared. And yet no area of human endeavor seems more fraught with challenges and difficulties than our relationships with others. Relationships, like most things in life worth having, require effort.”
“A strong you to a narcissist individual means that they are less than. And they can never ever be less than. They are powerless when their whole life revolves around getting power over other people. Feeling a deep sense of powerlessness in their childhood is what turned them into a narcissist in the first place, remember. You’re poking at a core wound. That’s why it’s so scary for them.”
“Relationships can be a source of personal growth and shared satisfaction. Relationships bring out our best when we are thriving with one another. Even in times of trouble, when they are based on solid foundations, and partners are committed to one another, relationships can be a source of strength and an opportunity for mutual growth. At other times, relationships are destructive, causing more harm than good and presenting few opportunities for shared constructive change. Dysfunctional relationships are akin to an addiction.”
“Infertility can have a profound impact on one’s mental health. When men and women find out that they can’t conceive, they may experience the same painful emotions as anyone coping with grief or profound loss. Common reactions include shock, frustration, grief, anger, decreased self-esteem, anxiety, and depression, but feelings about infertility can vary greatly depending on the source of the problems. Men, in particular, find it far easier to deal with a partner’s infertility than with their own.”
Emotional trauma and fear of intimacy is one good cocktail to sabotage intimate relationships when they become real, because when there are unresolved issues. Small behaviors can trigger the old memories you have in your brain and projecting them in the present moment, causing anxiety, and the need to escape.
“Love can be hard to receive when we’re not fundamentally convinced of our own loveability. We spend our time seeking out those who can make us suffer in ways that feel familiar. And it becomes natural to assume that a kind lover has missed something – and perhaps then to try to behave in disgusting ways just to make sure they understand we’re really not who they thought we were, and will therefore leave us in painful but somehow psychologically gratifying ways.”
Valentine’s day more than just buy flowers, chocolates or have a fancy dinner is a moment where you can think about the ones you love. Today is the day that we all should stop for a while and ask without fear deep questions to identify what needs to change.
Across 15 minutes, you will understand why some breakups are so painful and hard to understand, but also you will know why and how to deal with it. Love is a journey, an action without unicorns or fairytales.
I wish you happiness and real love, because you are real.
“Relationships is an area where we too often get stuck, unable to make ourselves understood or find the sort of love we need. This is largely due to a myth that loving another human should be something we all naturally know how to do. Far from it; we believe that love is a skill, not just an emotion – and that it’s a skill we all have to learn and carefully rehearse.”
“Everywhere we see and hear people writing and talking that we are living in a life period where everything is faster. But no one tells you how to stop and give attention to your life and relationships.”