“Having boundaries doesn’t make you uptight. Feeling uncomfortable when someone overshares doesn’t make you an uncaring person. Everyone has boundaries. Acknowledging, setting, and protecting yours is a kind of self-care. When others recognize and don’t try to cross them, it is a sign of respect. Healthy relationships require sharing yourself with others, but they also require boundaries between what is a comfortable level of closeness and what is TMI.”
Andrea Brandt Ph.D. M.F.T.
Like cognitive neuroscience teach us, when it comes to intimate relationships, we should choose “boring” and not “over the top” candidates. Not because we are picky or mean, but because “the spark” isn’t necessarily a good thing or a reliable source of information if someone will be the right partner for you. “Chemistry” is a cocktail of lust and danger that wrings the dopamine out of your neurotransmitters.
“All of us have unresolved childhood hurts due to betrayal, anger, manipulation, or abuse. Unconsciously, we seek healing through our partner. And we try to achieve this healing by bonding with someone we sense might hurt us in similar ways to how we were hurt as children, in the hope that we can then convince him or her to finally love and accept us.
Our conscious self is drawn to the positive qualities we yearn for, but our unconscious draws us to the qualities which remind us of how we were wounded the most.”
Ken Page L.C.S.W.
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