I may repeat myself, but I will always emphasize that a real relationship is created to help us to dominate our emotions.

Life has these amazing ways to attract certain kinds of individuals not to torture us, but to illuminate and help us to navigate through those places where fear freeze our ability to move forward.

A real partnership is a place where you hold hands and work together as a team to face challenges. Side by side step by step, you gain the ability and genuine curiosity to know your partner, and understand his or her deepest fears without judgment. To help, to nourish, and assist him or her to succeed. You are there always available, and consistent, without games.

When your relationship ends, you may feel the pain, the loss, but over time you will remember how much you learned with this person. And most likely, he or she will stay in good light for the rest of your life.

So the question remains, why when a relationship with Narcissist individuals ends don’t feel that way? And who is a Narcissist individual?

True pathological narcissism, has always been rare and remains, only one 1 percent of the population suffer from this condition. So what we are experiencing in our current society is the rise of individuals with high traits of narcissism promoted by one environment where everything should be a competition. Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, and most dating apps like Tinder, PlentyofFish, and OkCupid, are just a few examples of the pool where these individuals navigate, brag about their lives, and seek new sources of supply.

Individuals with higher narcissistic traits also have an avoidant, or fearful-avoidant attachment style. So your chances to meet and date one are pretty high. Yet, all of us need to stay away from that standard image of that narcissist’s love cars, money and looks. Grandiose narcissists care about money, cars, and beauty, but what about covert or vulnerable narcissists?

Covert or vulnerable narcissist individuals are more prone to introversion than other types of narcissism. Although they have grandiose fantasies, they feel inadequate, they are shy, have a deep tendency to hold grudges, envy, anxiety, and emptiness.

So Why Break Up With a Narcissist Isn’t a Normal Breakup? The answer is simple, Illusion. Why an Illusion? Because when you start a relationship with them, they will apply the love-bomb technique to lock you down because they know you are a good source to suppress their self-void. In this period, hormones like dopamine and oxytocin will run wild and free in their brain, and that’s when their love for you happens.

Narcissist individuals can experience love, but not the form of love that healthy mature people perceive. Love is a transaction for them, even when they are experiencing this intoxicating cocktail of love hormones, which they are addicted.

They want to know your dreams, “provide” the life you deserve, sell you the perfect life, your private details to reach your brain, and later gaslight you. That will be the second phase of your relationship until the devaluation and discard.

It is only mirroring and won’t last forever, because they are chasing a fantasy fairytale, not a real relationship or person. 

They don’t bond with you, so when you start to call them out, or when you try to educate them, they devalue and discard you without looking back.
We should understand that, deep down, these individuals will do whatever they can to avoid, repress, and ignore where they stand emotionally.

When you reach, the devalue, and discard stage, blindsided, is the word to define how you will feel. You will feel the pain, the loss, the anger not only for the relationship you had, but also for the relationship and the person you thought you had.

After the discard what they will do? Chase a new fantasy (means a new person), and you will be completely devastate. You may ask yourself how he or she can move on so fast? Remember, they never had a bond with you. So they are already searching for a new person because they can’t stand and face their inner vacuum, and won’t get back to you because you already know who they are.

These men or women want to live Hollywood fantasies and go through the raindrops, not the real challenges of a real relationship.
If you read the book “Attached”, which I highly recommend, you will understand this dynamic.

Tips for you:

  1. Don’t avoid your feelings and if you have wounds, heal them because it is what attracts narcissists, and other forms of emotionally unavailable people. 
  2.  Understand where you stand in this relationship and don’t buy the love-bombing phase. 
  3. Don’t go to dating websites when you are feeling lonely, or having big life-changing events in your life. 
  4. Meet people organically and start from friendship. 
  5. Learn to say no.
  6. Acknowledge it takes time to trust and be vulnerable with someone. 
  7. When you reject a narcissist even if they discarded you, they are forced to confront their emptiness, that’s why they need someone new to avoid it. 
  8. Individuals higher in narcissism tended to post selfies and self-presented photos, bikini photos, update their profile picture more often, and spend more time on Instagram, as compared to their counterparts. 
  9. Narcissists will frustrate you sexually.
  10. After the discard, go no contact to heal and move forward.
  11. LOVE WHO YOU ARE AND UNIFY YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF!

To close this article, what narcissist individual fears the most? A STRONG YOU!

Warning: Not all therapists will acknowledge your pain, so please, if you can seek therapists trained in narcissistic abuse, and trauma bond.

I will write more about this topic.

Have a lovely weekend!

Alexandra

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24 comentários

    1. Rebecca,

      Thank you so much for your commentary!

      Unfortunately, the word narcissism has been spread in multiple contexts and most of the time, in a very wrong way.
      But what we are experiencing now in our society is the exponential rise of individuals with higher narcissistic traits.

      I want to be clear here about one thing abuse is abuse. And the most damage form of abuse is the emotional one. People, generally, don’t understand why you feel so sad and lost after a breakup with those individuals, and the answer is you were living a fantasy. It was a real relationship for you or me, but for them it was a fantasy.

      Sending you one huge hug, take care of yourself!

      Alexandra

      Liked by 1 person

  1. “A real partnership is a place where you hold hands and work together as a team to face challenges. Side by side step by step, you gain the ability and genuine curiosity to know your partner, and understand his or her deepest fears without judgment. To help, to nourish, and assist him or her to succeed. You are there always available, and consistent, without games.” YES!!!!!!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. A therapist may help a lot but ypu are the one who help yourself the most …
    Sometimes , it is better not to search so much for the solution but to meditate, contemplate, relax and allow the solution to unfold in a natural special way …
    Everyone could matter and make a difference in the world that spreads waves of nourishment and refreshing of our spirits…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wael,

      Thank you for your commentary.

      You focus on a good point. You will recover after this situation only if you want to change and do the necessary work to progress. A good therapist can do wonderful things and guide you through your journey, but you have to be willing to change, and leave the pain behind.

      Have a lovely Saturday 🙂

      Gostar

  3. Thank you for this well-researched article, Alexandra! I didn’t even know there are types of narcissists. Everything you’ve mentioned are true! They’re very damaging and it hurts so bad after being in a relationship with one so the best we can do is to focus on ourselves. No matter how hard, we should beat ourself back up so we don’t fall back to the narcissist’s arms.

    The book you’ve mentioned (Attached) is a really helpful one. I’m on the seven columns part and I hope I could do it soon so I could finish the book. 🙂

    Also, very good point on seeking for therapists who specialize in narcissistic abuse. Not everyone is an expert in that, after all. Some even invite the narcissist to therapy!

    Thank you for your wonderful posts, you’re a great help. Wishing us all the best in life ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are more than welcome, Camille!

      I am happy to know that the attached book is being a friend for you, and helping you understand how attachment styles interfere in our relationships and life.

      The more knowledge we have, the more success we will have in the selection process of people to have in our lives.

      Sending you one huge hug!

      Alexandra

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’ve defined the narcissist to see two types of reflections: their own, and another person’s. That is, when they see themselves, they see what is familiar. However, when they begin to see another person, attempt to explore the world of someone else, they find themselves lost. Thus, they do not ever wish to comprehend someone else, another person’s world, other than themselves, other than their own. A true narcissist’s lack of empathy makes them never want to look into the eyes of another person. They never wish to see something that requires anything else they’ve ever experienced besides a continual focus on themselves. That is, for anyone to see beyond themselves, they need to be able to see another person’s eyes, witness their own reflection in that person’s stare, and then form an outside connection.

    People are bonded through reflection, and reflections only. A narcissist is bonded with their own reflection. Any empathetic individual is going to be bonded with someone else, by seeing their own reflection in that other person’s eyes. If eyes are the “windows to the soul” as some have termed it, then the narcissist’s soul is blackened, while any other person’s soul is too bright for the narcissist to ever want to be near it. It is because that brightness resembles something new, something unfamiliar to the narcissist, that they won’t want to be beside it.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Still… on the other hand, were we to keep introducing new things so unfamiliar to us, such as new identities and the like, we’ll not ever want to stretch outside of our familiar world. By introducing new identities, such as new creeds or genders, such a way is actually promotion narcissism and alienation. The act of “remaining comforted by familiarity” is so much like a mother being comforted by the sight of her child, or how a homeowner would not want a stranger in their house.

    A mass production of unfamiliar people, is going to be a mass production of narcissistic behavior. In today’s world, we have no evolution of our human brains for the past 10,000 years, because the environment around us has been continually changing. For true evolution to take place, the environments around us must stay the same, for many generations, so that we change. Evolution only takes place when we change, not when what is around us changes.

    Therefore, narcissism is actually encouraged when what is around us changes so frequently that we begin to hold onto “who we are” versus “what another person is”. Our humanity becomes buried, at that point.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Sigh!

        Thank you so much for your commentaries. We need stability to change because, without stability, we can’t explore the world correctly and drink the required wisdom to change within.

        About narcissism, they perceive love and relationship as a transactional thing or business. So when the relationship is over, they move on because they don’t bond with the other person for real. As you said, it is a reflection.

        Instagram is now the favorite place for these individuals, but that will be for another conversation.

        Have a lovely weekend 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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