What Attachment Style Has To Say About The Way You Have Sex?

“Sexual satisfaction for both the anxiously attached and the avoidant is constricted; the anxious partner is preoccupied with being loved, and the avoidant partner is determined to stay detached….The most satisfying and orgasmic sex, what I call ‘synchrony sex,‘ occurs when partners are securely attached.

A secure bond is characterized by emotional openness and responsiveness in the bedroom as well as out. That leads to better communication and engaged, focused attention, which in turn leads to greater arousal, pleasure, and satisfaction….Think about it. If you trust that your partner is there for you, then you can relax and let go without fear of embarrassment or rejection. Safety fosters a willingness to experiment, take risks, and be fully immersed in the sexual encounter. Sex becomes more spontaneous, passionate, and joyful.”

One of the reasons we pair up is to have a safe zone that protects us and gives us peace to relax. In today’s article, I will write about how attachment styles impact our sex lives and what we can do about it. Knowing your attachment style can change the dynamic of your relationship and even with yourself. So don’t blame yourself, instead learn and improve.

Adult attachment style refers to individual personality traits that strongly influence emotional bonds and reactions to social partners. Behavioral research has shown that adult attachment style reflects profound differences in sensitivity to social signals of support or conflict.

As I wrote in this article, attachment style can be divided in three categories:

1. Secure
2. Anxious
3. Avoidant: Avoidant Dismissive and Avoidant Fearful

Anxious and Avoidant people constitute 45 percent of the dating scene, so it’s common you end up having an intimate relationship with these people. Is it a good or bad thing? It depends on the circumstances, how much aware are you of your emotions, and at least if they’re willing to work on their attachment style and become secure.

Traits of avoidant attachment style in relationships:

1. Uncomfortable sharing feelings
2. Can have social anxiety
3. Charming during the early stages of relationship
4. Being extremely flirtatious and overtly charming with others
5. Flirting with others as a means of introducing insecurity into the relationship
6. Pulling away when things go well
7. Being absent-minded or daydreaming when with partner
8. Keeping secrets
9. Avoiding physical closeness
10. Withholding, avoiding and rejecting sex with their partner, use masturbation as escape of intimacy.
11. Wants partner when apart but craves distance when together
12. Minimizes closeness and partner feelings
13. Sabotages emotional intimacy and connection
14. Your partner may complain that you don’t seem to need him or her or that you’re not open enough
15. You may become anxious because the possibility of closeness no longer threatens you
16. Strong focus on themselves

Dr. John Sakaluk describes that avoidant individuals see their sexual partners as more threatening and therefore have a strong preference for practicing safe sex using condoms, while anxiously attached people use condoms less frequently. I can agree with it and disagree at the same time. Since the moment we are living in a period where people have sex with multiple partners and even casual sex, so sex with protection more than seeing a partner as a threat is healthy and required measure for your protection.

Traits of anxious attachment style in relationships:

1. Low self-esteem
2. They may hope their partner will “rescue” or “complete” them
3. They may have trouble trusting their partner’s words, warmth, and affection
4. Acting out emotionally
5. When needs aren’t meet they will find it elsewhere and with another person
6. Call or text frequently, even asked not to
7. Not returning calls
8. Hypervigilance and hypersensitivity to possible rejection
9. Playing games
10. Anxious people are also more anxious in the bedroom with their sexual partners.

For example, a man may be more or less secure, get married to one woman who has anxious attachment style, bring her up to a more secure level, but when they run into money trouble she falls back to her anxious level, cheats on him and then divorces him for all of his money, sending him into a tailspin of avoidance. He goes on to ignore intimacy and pump-and-dump women for the next 10 years, afraid to become intimate with any of them.

Both anxious and avoidant individuals crave intimacy and close relationships, but often feel trapped into one spiral of not being enough and a deep fear of being rejected. The fear of being rejected leads them to flirt and cheat on their partners. These erode actions will feed their inner voice that their partner never loved them, and so will leave.

For secure people, dating one avoidant or anxious partner can be extremely exhausting and bring them into one insecurity mode if they aren’t careful.

Traits of secure attachment style in relationships:

1. Warmth and loving
2. Able to be intimate
3. Don’t play games
4. Consistency
5. Assertively share their thoughts
6. Transparent and available
7. Capable to develop deep levels of intimacy
8. Respond well to bids of connection
9. Attentive to their partner’s needs
10. Capacity to accept rejection and moving on despite the pain
11. Being loyal and able to sacrifice when necessary
12. Able to correctly prioritize their relationships within their life
13. Sex is part of intimacy, the more the better

If you recognize in your partner traits of avoidant or anxious type, don’t blame them and in a calm way explain how their actions make you feel.

If your partner is avoidant:

1. Don’t chase them
2. Don’t take things personally when they push you away
3. Remember that he or she is acting based on deep abandonment fears
4. Help to name their feelings, name to tame it
5. When they withhold, reject or avoid sex with you, address the issue within the relationship, and ask if he or she would be more willing to making out instead of intercourse.
6. Let him or her know what are your boundaries

If your partner is anxious:

1. Reassure him or her about your love
2. Give your undivided attention
3. Help your partner to become more secure just talking about feelings
4. Hug and allow physical closeness
5. Create space and time to develop intimacy
6. Learn her or his language of love

With this article I’m not saying you should tolerate toxic or abusive relationships, what I’m saying is instead of leaving existing relationships and not addressing your attachment issue and recreate a very similar situation with the next partner, address the disconnection you create through often unconscious ways of thinking and behaving.

Sex is a life pleasure that we share with someone we love.

The more we know about each other, the more we can connect.

From personal experience, if you are a secure partner you can get along with one avoidant or anxious partner, helping them to heal their internal wounds, showing that love is safe and not, a threat. Teaching that sex is a vital part of one relationship, part of attraction and love towards another person.

To finalize I would like to advice there will be ups and downs, move forward and backward, but in the end, you will have a reward. You are your partner will experience real love.

If you can’t deal with the situation, it has nothing to do with you. You tried to give your love to someone who is guarded to love, be proud of it.

Love and sex together has the power to change your life and make you feel happier.

Want to improve your sex life? Try this:

1. Educate yourself
2. Give yourself time
3. Use lubrification
4. Maintain physical affection
5. Practice touching
6. Try different positions
7. Write down your fantasies
8. Do kegel exercises
9. Try to relax by doing something together before having sex
10. Use a vibrator
11. Don’t give up

Take a look at these links for more information:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/experimentations/201711/how-attachment-style-affects-sexual-desire-and-satisfaction

http://repositorio.ispa.pt/handle/10400.12/3397

https://www.psypost.org/2019/02/attachment-anxiety-linked-to-a-steep-decline-in-mens-sexual-desire-during-the-honeymoon-phase-53138

https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/ejsp.2567

Don’t fuck up your relationship 😉

With love,

Alexandra Santos