The loss and the end of one intimate relationship can be traumatic and open severe emotional wounds, which will take time to heal. It doesn’t matter how intelligent, beautiful, or emotionally healthy. All of us will experience at some point in life a breakup, the departure of someone we love, and that decision/situation might have nothing to do with us. They might not feel the same as we do, found someone new, or it isn’t the right timing, and that’s completely ok.

The intention of this article isn’t to talk about their reasons for breaking up with you. But to provide you the right tools for healing and move forward.

In the early stages after the breakup, you will experience the pain of a broken heart

What will happen in this period?

  1. The same brain circuits responsible for identifying physical pain are activated. The pain is real, and the pain felt is equivalent to having both legs broken. 

  2. The withdrawal period. Your brain will have the same characteristics as a drug or an alcohol addict who does not consume. 

  3. Emotional Fissure. You feel the need to reaching out to your ex-partner. Or you may adopt stalking and other forms of behavior to keep tabs on them as a way to fulfill the emotional fissure. 

  4. Emotional haze and denial. Because the breakup pain is intense, real, and dramatic, your brain will sabotage and distort the reality by making you think that the breakup reasons are also dramatic, intense, and not simple as it seems, leading to emotional rumination. 

But, what can you do to heal yourself?

  1. Understand that Passion is a state of temporary dementia. Many relationships end when the cocktail hormonal responsible for this phase starts to wears off. You may walk into the next level, but your partner doesn’t. When people are experiencing the passion phase, the Mesolimbic Dopaminergic pathways are active. And this is why it is necessary to take things slowly because this period of excitement won’t last forever. 

  2. Re-write (With a pen and paper) the end of your relationship by highlighting the reasons why the other person wasn’t the right person for you. What didn’t work, and keep that list always with you. It will help you in the withdrawal period to stay sane and in the present moment.  

  3. Take care of your body and emotional well-being by sleeping well, exercising, and choosing healthy food. When you exercise, you produce endorphins, which are responsible for maintaining and protecting your emotional states. 

  4. Learn how to say goodbye, and don’t look for crumbs. The relationship is over. Accept it and let the other person also experience the loss. If they unfriend you on social media platforms, it is ok. Don’t message them, don’t ask why. Save the good memories and everything they gave to you. The relationship was real. He or she was with you, at least, as long as they could.  

  5. Surround yourself with people who love and support you no matter what. In the following stages after a breakup, you will need as much support as you can. Don’t isolate yourself or try to do everything on your own. 

Some personality traits, well documented, explain why some individuals recover faster from breakups than others. That doesn’t mean it will happen healthily. As we know, some individuals who have an avoidant attachment style recover easily from relationships, at least in the superficial level. Because unconsciously, they are still hurt and will seek the same situations.

If you have a friend or someone in your family living a separation or a breakup, don’t give them unnecessary advice such as: “You have to move on!”; “You will find somebody new soon!”; “Let’s create a dating app profile for you!” or “Let’s get you drunk!”.
Be their shoulder and allow your friend or family member to heal at their own pace. As I mentioned before, our brains aren’t prepared to live faster. And process emotions as modern society demands.

With Love,

Alexandra

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